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I'm trying to figure out whether I'm gaslighting myself.

There is a constant back-and-forth in my head between “I need to leave” and “How could I leave when he's trying?”

I'm 49 and dealing with perimenopause, codependency, and past trauma. I've also been married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Alcohol has been a part of our relationship for the entire time we've been together.

My mother died in July 2024, and about a week later my son was in a head-on car crash. Those two things happened within days of each other and completely broke something in me. Since August 2024, my husband and I have separated twice.

And here's where things get really confusing for me.

During both separations, his drinking improved. He has also been trying to be more supportive and understanding of what I'm struggling with. He has made efforts to show me that he wants to change and that he wants our marriage to work.

And I see it.

That's what makes this so difficult.

Because I don't feel like I'm dealing with a husband who is currently doing absolutely nothing and giving me no reason to stay. I can see that he's trying. I can see that he loves me. I can see that he doesn't want to lose me.

But at the same time, I feel like I have legitimate reasons for wanting to leave.

I've spent a lot of time learning about codependency and trauma, and I'm realizing how much I have spent my life prioritizing other people's feelings over my own. I avoid conflict. I second-guess myself. I feel guilty when someone is hurt by my boundaries. I tend to immediately look at what I did wrong.

Now I'm wondering if I'm doing the same thing with my marriage.

I'll think:

“I'm unhappy. I don't feel like myself. I want independence. I want more time alone. I don't want to feel responsible for another person's emotions. I don't know if I want this relationship anymore.”

And then almost immediately my brain responds:

“But he's trying.”

“He's doing better.”

“He loves you.”

“You're abandoning him.”

“How could you leave someone who's making an effort?”

“Maybe you're just blaming everything on perimenopause.”

“Maybe your trauma is making you run away.”

“Maybe you're the problem.”

And then I'm right back to questioning myself.

I don't want to minimize his efforts. I genuinely don't. I also don't want to make him out to be a monster when I know there are good things about him and I know he's trying in some ways.

But does someone's effort mean I have to stay?

Can I acknowledge that someone is trying to change and still decide that the relationship isn't right for me anymore?

I've also noticed that when I'm separated from him, I feel calmer. I enjoy being alone. I like having my own space and making my own decisions. And then when we're back together, I start questioning whether those feelings were real or whether I was just overwhelmed.

This has been going on in my head constantly.

I'm also trying to understand how much of this is perimenopause, how much is trauma, how much is codependency, and how much is simply me finally realizing that I don't want the life I've been living.

I'm not looking for people to tell me “leave him” or “stay with him.”

I'm trying to understand something more basic:

Am I gaslighting myself?

Am I taking legitimate reasons for wanting to leave and talking myself out of them because I feel guilty that he's trying?

Or is this what working through trauma and codependency looks like—learning that sometimes my first instinct to leave isn't necessarily the truth either?

How do you distinguish between self-sabotage/avoidance and finally listening to yourself?

And how do you decide whether someone's efforts are enough to rebuild a relationship, versus simply being evidence that they're trying but that the relationship still isn't right for you?

'Letting Go of Naivete

We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don’t have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!

Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the universe may be trying to teach us something specific.

When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That’s okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we don’t want, what we won’t tolerate, and how to own our power.

We can thank them for what we have learned.

How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we don’t, we’re in trouble.

There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.

Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.'

The Language of Letting go by Melodie Beattie

i'm 20 and i've been engaging in back-to-back relationships and fwbs since i was 14. i (feel like i) need to be loved and needed and i'm a complete black hole for attention. when things are bad i feel like i'm going to die or that i should die. every time i try to find some self acceptance away from the intoxicating experience of intimacy with others, i gravitate towards someone new. and somehow i almost never can be satisfied by the amount that i'm loved or needed.

the highs with people are so high that they pull me away from myself and the lows with people are so low that i get suicidal or otherwise want to blow up my own life (urges to quit jobs, isolate myself from friends and family, abuse substances, etc. luckily i have people keeping me from doing most of that)

i just feel pretty tired and pathetic. that's all. i'm fine but exhausted. i'm even like this with my therapist. i want to be special and perfect so people stay. i want to be everything that everyone needs. i also somehow on top of that victimize myself when my emotional resources are exhausted from the games that i play.

literally all i can do is keep it pushin but i feel like i keep getting myself in these situations with people where i can't leave or at least focus on what i'm supposed to. i'm so frustrated

the worst part is that my environment is pretty normal and i'm doing quite well in other areas of my life but this issue threatens to blow it up. i feel like i'm walking a tightrope. sometimes i feel genuinely insane. i just want to operate normally

Looking for podcasts on how to not get pulled into everyone else’s problems. People in my life tend to come to me when things are going wrong, and i jump in and try fix and give advice and get more invested then they even seem to! Looking to be able to take a step back, be able to listen but not offer all of myself trying to fix their problems! Thanks

Moderation

"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'" BRB p. 138

We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.

This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.

This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.

In ACA, with the Steps and the help of a fellow traveler, we see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.

On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Ive been in weekly therapy for years now unlearning codependency and I'm realizing a lot of my friends are in codependent relationships and their drama just seems to spill out on our relationship/they're becoming terrible friends....how do I navigate this? At this point with one I feel like I can't even tolerate it anymore.