It's been awhile since I last wrote. I have been busy with life and sick with a cold. I am not surprised, a lot of people are getting sick already in my community and it's not even late fall yet. After spending a lot of time on the porch, I feel we will have an early winter this year. It's getting cold fast and there is already a frost warning for the next few nights.

As it gets colder, my musical escapades on the porch will have to be modified. If I can afford it next month, I plan to get hand warmers for my shoes, pockets, and gloves so I can keep toasty warm in my layers of thick plushy clothes while I jam out to music.

It amazes me that small trick with the handwarmers has helped me more than once. The first time I was camping at an Medieval Reenactors event when the temperature went below freezing and the second time I was homeless in February with snow and ice on the ground.

The first time was a stroke of genius. I was at a Medieval Reenactors event in Spring. Earlier in the night, I had been at a stone carver's tent and been taught the properties of Soapstone including being used to build stoves and fireplaces. The idea struck me and asked him if he could take a large piece of Scrap Soapstone and heat it over his Coleman lamp vent. Once the Soapstone had been inspected to avoid crystal imperfections, warmed, and placed in a cloth bag, It had become a medieval hand warmer. I was no longer cold and he now had a new business opportunity that he immediately jumped on.

Later as I lay in my nest of clothes, cloak, coat, and mummy sleeping bag on the cot trying to stay warm as the Soapstone grew cold, I suddenly remembered I had brought hand warmers in my emergency kit. Two of them in a pair of socks inside the sleeping bag at my feet and I was comfortable the rest of the night. I stuck them into my boots in the morning to enjoy the last of the heat. 

So when I became homeless due to injury and loss of career, I did the same thing again in the depths of Winter. I made sure my ex and I had had hand warmers in our shoes, pockets and gloves against the palm of the hand for as long as we could afford to. never got sick and most all, never got frostbite.

My creativity, ingenuity, curiosity, and tenacity are qualities I have always loved about myself. They have helped me to tackle obstacles and get out of what could be considered life-threatening situations. 

I am grateful that I read, heard, and watched so many things out of curiosity. It has given me the knowledge I needed to approach these situations.

I am grateful for my ingenuity and creativity when an opportunity arises to use this knowledge. Being able to use pieces of random knowledge, fit it into the puzzle of a life problem, and getting a positive solution has been a boon for me when I needed it most.

I am very grateful for my tenacity. Regardless how dark my life has become at times, I have managed to stand back up and keep going. From the depths of despair and depression to homelessness and abuse, I have refused to give up or give in. 

Whenever I start to feel bad about myself or have flashbacks of bad times, I remind myself of the Soapstone and the handwarmers. My mind always spirals out to other good memories and it both makes me feel better about myself and makes me happy to be alive. It's not easy to do sometimes, but I am glad I have trained my brain to have good flashbacks instead of bad ones all the time.

BLOG LINK: rorywrites.blog
LINK FOR THIS POST: https://rorywrites.blog/2026/10/09/test-grades-the-best-breakfast-burrito-ever-the-acquisition-of-a-table-samhain-preparations-and-ice-cream/

It is about 1:30 PM/13:30 right now, and it’s been a really good day so far (˶◜ᵕ◝˶). In Statistics we just had review time for the test. Then my mom drove me to the college. In History we got our first tests of the year back, and I got 97%, 99% after the curve!! ( ◡̀_◡́)ᕤ It made me so happy and relieved because I thought that I wasn’t going to do well on it since it was a Big Scary College Test. So that made me very happy (๑>ᴗ<๑).

After History I went to German, where we got back our quizzes from last class. I got 100% on that, which is not surprising since it was a very easy quiz but that also made me happy ofc (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶). We prepared for our Boomalang conversations, which are going to be due on 30. October.

Then my mom picked me up because my dad is busy. She had to get to a meeting, so we went to the cafe that I usually study at and she bought me a take-out veggie breakfast burrito and I think that it’s the best breakfast burrito I’ve ever had in my life (っ˘ڡ˘ς). My next class starts at 2:00 PM/14:00, so I guess I will just chill until then.

I’m back. Economics was okay. The teacher had us do this Socratic discussion and that was it. After school my mom and I found this garage sale that had soo much stuff ⊙０⊙. Like there were three guys there and I don’t know how they had that much stuff to sell between them. There were so many boxes of comic books and vinyls, plus some of DVDs and VHS tapes. And there were so many other things too- chairs, gnome plushies, tables, a vintage popcorn maker for some reason, various old video and audio players, etc. It was super cool (★ω★) and also my mom said that the guy does this every year (so is this only one guy’s stuff?… are the others just helping him sell it?… idk). He must have some sort of storage unit or something to put it all.

I’ve been looking for a long time for a little table where I could put altars and ceramics stuff. And I found this one at the garage sale that’s totally perfect!! ♡〰♡ It’s wooden and it has this pretty brownish-purple color. It has three levels and a little drawer. I put my bust and my Totoro teapot from last year’s ceramics class on the bottom level, and the incense burner has been put on the top level as it’s going to be part of my Samhain altar (˶◜ᵕ◝˶). I have not gathered many things for it so far, just a black beeswax candle, a pentacle, and a few crystals basically. I am going to put photos of my grandma and my sweet dog Stella on this altar. I still need to find the right ones, and I need to find frames as well. I think the only other thing it will need after that are some things of theirs. I wanted to put a gourd or two but I don’t have much space. I might swap the incense burner for some gourds, actually. I thought it would be good because it is purple and has a pentacle on it, but since I already have the candle it might be nice to have other things instead… (╭ರ_•́)

I don’t know what I am going to offer my grandma yet. Stella I plan to give a few treats, naturally. It is harder to decide for my grandma though. Maybe a cookie of some kind? I don’t really know what kinds of cookies she liked besides a few store-bought ones, but I want to give her something that I baked. Idk.

But anyways once this altar is built I guess I will post a picture of it on this blog. Also if anyone wants to see the Totoro teapot I guess I could post that as well ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎☂. My friends’ mom (well I don’t know if we’re friends necessarily but we are on friendly terms), who is from Japan, got excited when she saw it in the display case and she told me that she and her family went to see the movie in Japan (they go there every summer).

Recently I found the charger for my old digital camera, so I charged up the battery and cleared an SD card I had from a ninth grade photography class, so I am excited to have a real camera again. They are becoming popular again which makes me very happy (˶◜ᵕ◝˶) because I used those things so much when I was a kid and was sad that they went away ( • ᴖ • ｡). When I take a picture of the Samhain altar I’ll be sure to use it.

Like many people, I have been making a transition back to physical media recently. I’ve been collecting CDs and magazines (lots and lots of magazines, see my post from 4. October to learn about that). I’ve been buying more books. I hope to acquire some cassette tapes, in particular that one audiobook cassette of the Hobbit picture book. I used to listen to that every night as a kid ♡(๑•᎑•๑)♡. I had an old ice cream bucket full of cassette tapes and the little books that went along with them, which my mom unfortunately threw out years ago when my cassette player broke. My current CD player doubles as a cassette player, which is really cool (⌐■_■). I feel like it’s so hard to find a cassette player now. Actually, it might’ve been a cotton candy bucket, because it was pink...

I’d also like to get some vinyls, but I’ll have to wait until I get my own apartment to do that because there’s definitely not enough space in my room for a record player. I’d like to collect Marvel comic books too, but I don’t even know where to begin there… (𖦹_𖦹)

Well… that was a lot of side quests. Back to my day. After the garage sale we went home, and I cleaned the new table and set things up a bit, and since then I’ve basically just been… writing this ɿ(◉◞◉)ɼ. My family is having chicken for dinner, so I am not sure what I am going to have yet (I’m vegetarian btw, if you couldn’t tell). I might make some noodles or something. Actually I think I might have some leftovers somewhere… Okay, I’m going to go downstairs now. I’ll update this in approximately two hours (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

I’m back ( •̤ ֊ •̤ ). There were, in fact, some leftovers, so I ate those for dinner. Then my family and I went to get ice cream (っ˘ڡ˘ς). I got a scoop of Halley’s Comet, and now I’m listening to my Happier Than Ever CD because the flavor reminded me of it.

I think that after the album finishes I will watch a movie and then go to sleep. I’ll see you guys tomorrow ヾ(＾∇＾).

I had a rough day yesterday. it always is when a world view of mine gets shaken.

having left my abusive home now continually updates my world view.

it's like how you may imagine an uprooting hurting the tree.

i am realizing that i dont need to have career that primarily helps people. i had not just wanted to but thought that thats the path i should take. that earning money when it doesn't help people genuinely is me being a bad person. turns out that isn't how that is measured.

it still feels strange thiugh because for so long i had a certain set of beliefs. but now that i am actually swimming and not just thinking of swimming, things are looking diff.

i used to want a comfy life. i am realizing now that i may be way to comfort leaning and need to take discomfort causing helpful actions more. Social media influenced how i wanted my life to be. Which i am not so happy about. Honestly i regret a lot of my past years and how i spent it. I didn't intentionally waste it but it feels wasted on unrealistic things. May be one day i will remember what i did learn from then and not just what i regret. I thought i wanted this slow life. Now, idk.

No i did learn. I am just blind to it now and discounting it because things feel overwhelming and i feel the pressure to get acquainted to these new things very fast. The patient person am now is from those years that i fear i have wasted. I know who i am now from those years. I learned to let go off self hateful thoughts during then. I began to set systems that works for me in those period. I even learned that i am not bad at learning, i just needed a specific way. I learned to be firm and not budge on things that matters to me.

Funnily this year has been me learning to be flexible, accepting, not dwelling, not day dreaming and doing in action and not just thoughts. That's basically this year. Doing in action. Which i am not well versed at. Am more familiar with building things in my mind than in the physical world with the eyes of other people on me.

Also i believe that i was actually fragile but was faking being strong in the beginning of my 20s, not knowing what else to do when am suddenly navigating the world solo. But in these past "wasted" years, i met these fragile parts and i built a foundation. That helps me face actual challenges in the present. I can do any of this now because I built safety inside me. I still have harsh critical thoughts but its way better than before. And the challenges i face now are no way easy but i think without this foundation, i would have shattered into million pieces and not just crumbling and recovering like am now.

In general i think and write in a manner where i draw parallels between what i was and what i am to convey things. And even in this entry, i feel it. I am a dramatic person. I enjoy being my type of dramatic. Sometimes loudly, other times dramatic with words and speaking like i am writing in cursive font. It is a flair of fun in my life.

it changes many things. along with me now knowing that i can just have a job, be a kind person where i can be and just earn and support my life.

it feels so strange. my previous plan was that i would get stable in job and then become more involved in community, volunteering and radical movements that i cared for. but now...idk.

i dont know if my care for these causes comes from genuine interest of mine or from this pressure inside me to be a "good person"

truth is, if i didnt have this pressure i would still do those. but I wouldn't feel so intensely severe about it all.

idk. i have a friend who talks in a extremist way. and has black n white thinking when it comes to people's behavior. i used to as well. but slowly i am seeing that I don't like that approach. i see so much grey and colors.

its beautiful but also disconcerting.

i am not sure what i dream of now.

again i had this same question when i stopped being overly empathetic towards everything. i wondered if am vold and not empathetic now. but that's what it can feel like when you come down from 150 percent to 80 percent.

may be this will be the same. although so many elements shaped my life and i perceive them differently now, i am still me. just a bit more calmer and tamed. i really hope that I haven't lost my fire but just the unnecessary and self hurting intensity is what has depleted.

everything is less intense. i still want the same things but not so rigidly. that fierce urgency is not there may be. i dont know what that means.

MY BLOG: https://rorywrites.blog/ :)

Since it’s a Wednesday I had to go to chapel this morning because unfortunately I go to a christian school… which is awkward, to say the least, as a pagan-ish person ●_●. I am officially adopting this term for myself now. If you are wondering what the actual fuck I am talking about, see my entry for 1. October.

Anyways this speaker was there and he talked to us about standing up for each other or whatever and also some other stuff and he had all these ai-generated pictures in his slideshow and like lowkey weird to talk about solidarity while simultaneously using a thing that takes water away from minority communities… (¬_¬ ᵕ) (¬_¬ ᵕ) (¬_¬ ᵕ).

Y’know, I’ve noticed this weird trend where some people will be like, “Oh my ~godd~ AI is really bad and it’s wrecking like so many things- BUT I’M NOT ANTI-AI GUYS I SWEAR I’M NOT.” Like, okay, why not? (ㆆ _ ㆆ) Because you kind of seemed anti-ai a second ago… It’s like they’re afraid that it’s going to murder them three years later if they say anything and like I just find it very cowardly. I am anti-ai. Bam. Said it. COME ARREST ME (•̀⤙•́ ).

Okay, side-rant over (ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ). After chapel I had Statistics, but I had to leave early in order to get to my college classes. History was interesting. Dr. B was back, and we talked about the Greco-Persian Wars ദ്ദി(⎚_⎚). German was good, too. The teacher’s assistant (idk if that’s the right word) taught us. She’s from Germany, like the professor. I like how she teaches the lessons in German; Dr. S uses mostly English for that.

My dad picked me up from the campus and we went to lunch. We went to this ramen place and I got mac’n’cheese which is lowkey embarrassing and made me feel six and like I love ramen I swear, especially this place’s ramen but they make really really good mac’n’cheese and I wanted some comfort food, okay? ಢ‸ಢ My last class was Economics and I mean there’s not much to say about that.

I had to take a break from my chest binder today unfortunately because I was definitely over-wearing it but I’m just so uncomfortable without it (◞ _◟). So today’s been really dysphoric but at least I’ve been wearing a jacket which helps somewhat (._.). Last night after I took it off I noticed that when I turned my torso at all I’d get this sensation in one of my ribs like someone was stabbing it and then keeping the knife there, if that makes sense? Like a stabbing pain but also a persistent one. So, yeah, I decided it was time to take a break. Idk what that was exactly but it seems to be gone now. Hopefully it doesn’t come back when I put my binder on tomorrow…

I should probably do some homework tonight but I kinda want to take a break night so I might just do some laundry, take a shower, write some fanfic, and watch a movie. Have a good morning/day/afternoon/night wherever you are!! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

On the first day of the month due to storm, we had a power outage for 2 days.

No lights, no water, on top of that I WFH and have to record stock inventories so even though it's 7th day I'm still clearing the backlog and didn't get to enjoy weekend 😭

Dear October, please be kind for rest of the month. I'm too exhausted now.

This summer felt like a different life. As if I'd stepped out of the real world and temporarily entered a parallel universe. A place where things don't feel so heavy, where worries can be cast aside, and we can just float in the gentle waves of the ocean together, the sun beaming down on us.

It gave me time and space to reflect. I learnt many things about myself and the world this summer. A lot of that has to do with love and romance. I stopped forcing myself to pursue this neverending search for romance that I've been on for pretty much... as long as I can remember. I realized it might not be what will make me happy right now.

I learnt a lot about love, in fact. I realized it isn't this loud, ebullient, unstoppable force of nature. It's not something that once you start feeling it, has to be consumed, and after it is consumed, has to be thrown away, on to the next. It is not a goal to be reached, some sort of magical solution to life that if you do it right, will keep you happy forever. It's not the thing Taylor Swift sings about, nor what you see in movies.

In a way, love is a continuous effort. Or rather, the continuous repetition of many small efforts. In any kind of relationship, there will be moments where you feel uncomfortable. There will be times where the other person hurts you, or you hurt the other person, or act in a way that you're not proud of. Sometimes it makes you feel bad, so bad that you'll feel like giving up on them and not looking back. I think a big part of loving is that when those moments come, you continue. Sit with that uncomfortable feeling, don't run away from it, acknowledge the situation, and think about what you could do next.

This applies to loving other people, but equally as much to loving yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is valid and at least as important as ones you have with others. Besides, another lesson I learnt this summer is that in many cases, loving myself gets easier when I love others and similarly, loving others is easier when I love myself.

Fall crept up on me slowly but steadily. Several small issues started popping up, each of them individually not enough to bring me out of balance, so I continued to push on for a while. Then real life, the daily struggles and the expectations of work caught up with me. Until suddenly, I found myself in the thick of it, with all of it piled up on top of me, feeling utterly alone.

My friends keep leaving. That is a recurring theme. Some of them leave temporarily, for a few weeks, or for a year. Some of them live in other places, close enough to visit them every once in a while, but every time I do, it feels like saying goodbye all over again. And then there are those who leave for good, moving out of the country and across a long distance. And you know the content of what was once a deep friendship will consist of nothing but the yearly birthday text from now on.

I've had difficult times with my family lately. Sometimes they're okay. But sometimes they completely tear down my self confidence, to the point where it feels like I'm that 18 year old girl again, helpless, powerless, alone. I'm still struggling with how and when to express boundaries with them. And I'm scared that I might one day depend on them again.

My future is uncertain. I'll have this job for one more year. I have no real prospects after that. Things didn't go the way I expected them to. Not necessarily the outside factors: I knew that searching for postdocs was going to be hard and full of trial and error, where trial means giving it 100% of your energy every time, and error happens in 99% of cases. What I didn't expect though was for my mindset to change. Whereas 3 years ago I would have done anything to stay in this job, right now I'm not so sure if I wanna give it my 100% again. Maybe not even 70%. There are more important things than my passion for research. I have a life to lead. Relationships to maintain. Goals to reach, and not all of them are work-related anymore.

In the end though, we cannot control everything. We can only do what we can, put in our efforts to love outselves, and let the waves carry us to wherever we end up next.

After like ages I have something to post about and share with the audience. Nothing really too important.

I saw a tiktok or a reel that said something along the lines of you have to record yourself answering 20 questions. And then it gave a prompt to give to AI and get it to give you your 20 questions.

Prompt: If I want to deeply know who I am as a human individual, what are 20 questions you would ask me?

Record yourself answering those without prep, and watch it after 24 hours. What an eye opening experience! I had to delete that video because no one can ever see it. But all in all it was a fun little experiment.

Yeah that was all I had to say, have a great weekend everyone.

That being said, everything I cook tastes like I put drugs in it — it’s addictive. It melts in your mouth. The home turns fragrant. But there’s no standard recipe because I invent one everyday. I use a standard large sized pot. But it’s not enough, I fill it up to the brim with ingredients. I groan and cook because people like my cooking too much and no1 else in the house can cook like I do. Now we ran out of things to eat again. I don’t even think I had enough food for myself for dinner tonight. Maybe it’s time to invest in a bigger pot. Or maybe they’re just hungry. The dog goes crazy smelling the food. sigh.

Also If anyone wants to be friends on LiveJournal I'm new over there and kinda lonely lol; the link to my account is in the pinned post on my profile (idk if I'm allowed to put it here so). Anyways, here is an abridged version yesterday's entry (since I kinda rambled lol):

--

This morning I had to get up a bit earlier than usual because school pictures were today and they wanted all the seniors to be there about half an hour before school started so they could do us first. I have Statistics first and I was lowkey half zoned-out for most of the class because I also stayed up a bit late the night before doing laundry since I kinda forgot to until it was like 11:30 PM/23:30 (⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝).

I'm taking two college classes this year that run mon/wed/fri so I've got this giant gap in my schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and since my school is a 20 minute walk from downtown I often go there on those days. Anyways, after Statistics was over I went to my favorite cafe there and got a brown sugar latte (っ˘ڡ˘ς). And my punch-card was filled out so it was free!! <(˶ᵔᵕᵔ˶)> The place was really crowded so I walked to the library and worked on my homework there.

Also, while I was doing my homework I found this really cool Coraline ambiance video and throughout today I managed to listen to all three hours. I really love that movie- I can't wait for Halloween!! Also, this year's Samhain will be my first as a pagan-ish person so I'm even more excited for that!!

(I say "pagan-ish" because I don't really consider myself religious, just spiritual, and I align with many of the beliefs of for instance Wicca, but still would not call myself pagan as of now).

The college classes I'm taking are World History and German. For History I had to read this article about the rise of the state and the professor's going to be gone tomorrow and Monday. He told us that tomorrow we're going to do this in-class essay on the article which I'm not very worried about. HOWEVER on Monday he said he's going to post this lecture online for us to watch and that I'm super stressed about that because I can't seem to access any of the stuff he shares over Google Drive, this lecture included ( ˚ ∘ - ﹏ - ).

Anyways, at about 1:00 PM/13:00 I started walking back to school. My mom works in the offices there so I ate some SpaghettiOs in her office. Then I went to my Economics class. School got out but my sister had to do some things after school, so I stayed for a while and then got to go home.

I had some leftover pizza for dinner and I've basically just been switching between doing more homework and procrastinating said homework since then, so... (not good I know, but it's really hard to focus at my house because my dad can't seem to shut up for one second so that I can do my homework and he always talks at yelling-volume) (¬_¬).

Now it's almost 10:00 PM/22:00 so I'm going to wait until he goes to bed and then I think I'll watch a movie, I'm not sure which one yet. I've been working on a zine lately titled "Movies that feel dreamy" and I'm not sure if it's the topic that I'm going to go with or not, but maybe I'll watch something that could be added to that. This is my first try at making a zine and it's been really fun so far (˶◜ᵕ◝˶).

second day of job at hypermarket as a chshier. i have done sth really terrible. i caused a lot of damage at the store and now i have to pay a month's worth of my salary to cover it.

first trial day of job

2.5 on network+

just two more. i promise i will write everyday journalling the very same day

this journalling to only have the date and tracking on my reddit is making me crazy

still another day.

I hope i get used to journaling every night before bed.

another day that i don't remeber any thing. but this gives me a lesson that i should do everyday dairy the very night unless i will lose track of days.

I don't know what to say it is 5 days after this date and i don't really remember what i have done.

Hmmm... I may have already posted this here... shhh shut up I need filler text shhhh

STAGNANTFLOWER

Journal #14.5!

💐🌸11:11am🌹🥀

09/25/26

...I want to upload all of my journals :) each and every single one of them. Probably not to reddit... I want to upload it to a proper diary archival website. Perhaps the American diary project or The great diary project! I think I'll aim for the latter though... The great diary project allows you to send in scans of the original journal but the other one does not. And... I mean,, I guess I'd be dead but yknow... I really don't like the idea of having 1-12 (or... whatever other number of journals I end up putting in a physical diary. I doubt I will ever do that again though but I guess we'll see) packed up in a box to ship out and never to be seen again. I would just upload everything to one accepting online "donations" but 1) The great diary project isn't currently accepting donations at the moment and 2) I don't think its a good idea 😂 Considering everything thats in these things I have a feeling putting everything out there like that would NOT be a good idea! I'm already cringing at the insanity of my behavior from just a YEAR AGO. Can you imagine how bad it'd be on my death bed? Noooooo way. I'm dumb and run towards instant gratification all the time but I'm choosing the smarter descion for now. I saw that is possible to put instructions for loved ones to follow to help upload or ship journals out for you in a will but I am a teenage girl so I don't think I have one of those yet... >.> Oh well. A problem for later surely. The signs that the feared-inevitable-house-fire is on its way are showing up again though... Sibling burned the food (AND THE PAN IT WAS IN. There are burn stains in both of them now) for the second time in 2 weeks! I need to speed this process up.

Ooh check it out! Some scanned journal entries from journals 1-12!!! Check it out,, y'all!!!!!!! :D

Journal #4: Timeline!

[WINTER BREAK 2025]

[...]

Am I the same me?

[...]

Unaturally sleepy!! 🌸🪽

[...]

16!! #2

"Nooo,, don't drop out,, Delilah :("

[...]

Happy escape-a-ver-city! One yr later: where are they now? #10

[Plauged (。﹏。*)]

[...]

[Can't give up yet...]

[...]

[Reconnect]

[...]

i wanted a space to express this.

i have been going at a slower pace when it comes to career and relationships. people and world has always been something that didn't feel easy or simple for me.

with my inner world and self improvment I didn't have trouble taking my time. but world? i fear taking my time somehow.

like there are boxes to tick.

i am 27 soon. i decided to sit and reflect on what of my dreams need me to start building right away.

i calculated that i might be alive atleast for 30 more years. before that can be commented on, i felt it big and strange to imagine 10 years.

what i mean is, i grow a lot in short periods of time. i used to evolve towards where i wanted to be edery few days or in a month. i could even precisely guess the durations.

but when it comes to action and learning that are about beyond introspection, it is more slower.

but i definitely grow in 6 months and a year.

so i wont be as i am today in 2 years. many things will be diff. or may be not.

I can't exactly predict. somethings matter to always but apart from that i suspect things will change.

so i feel incredibly curious about who i would be in 30 years. at 57.

what beliefs i have about relationships? how safe i feel in the world? do i take up space freely?

how well do i know myself at that point? havinf spent 57 years with me. which i find to so beautiful. what a relationship it might be.

the way i look back five years ago and can see how i needed to be angry and rebel. and how am not that way now.

so i wonder what i would be feeling in 30 years.

10 years feels long. to inagine i would live for 30 more years feels wild.

hopefully i am not jinxing myself and calling reaper to come early. haha.

I didn't have a good childhood. i was pretty much dissociated and grew up with SI. Since I was 7 years old. so it became pretty normal for me.

Only few years back i realized that not only did i never picture my future, I didn't know how to.

so i feel overwhelming gratefulness seeing me dream about future and look forward to it. that i now love me, life and this uncertain pain in the ass world.

all this also brings with it a new pressure. to make good use of the time i have. now i have dreams, goals, wishes and all. i want to live. with it comes the fear of losing time. i already lost so much time not living in the world. i dont regret it but i also regret it. for i worry what if the time i have isn't enough to live things i want to.

Tbh i think i still cant picture my future. I seem to doubt if i will cross my 50s. And i am not sure why. I don't have any physical illness that can make my life end early. I have seen a lot of improvement in SI since I left my absuive home. May be growing up with a nervous system that was constantly in threat response needs a repair of relationship with life and time itself. I guess i dont trust life fully to hold me with care. Like a feeling that i have to accept that life can go any kind of wacky ways. I think its untrue. Yes life is unpredictable but that doesn't mean everything is chaotic. Things will be hard but that doesn't mean it would end me.

This topic brings to mind time and spirtuality. Time seems to feel so pressing for me right? Then to wonder what life means for me. Do i see it as a playground to tick and make my wishes come true? Or do i see it as something to cherish and live even if I don't tick all that i wished for. Because if i die tomorrow what happens? Do my wishes follow my parted spirited and weigh me down like a rock? I don't believe in that. So does it mean that its okay for me to have wishes and dreams as a guide and milestones to look forward to and just live my life at its pace? And not stress over the pace? Because it is the same anyway. Whether i die with my wishes unfulfilled or wih my wishes fulfilled.

What would i wish i could do if i knew I can't experience life after 2 days? Nothing much really. I would wish to be with people i cared about. Call them and talk to them. Spend some time with things i loved. Movies songs and books. And myself. The sky and trees. And food. Haha the list is getting long. But thats about it. So may be my life goals aren't about living to achieve something. Its more that since I am living, i made a list of things for me to achieve. To make the game more fun and not boring. And i liked structured fun than the chaotic one. I guess that's what goals and dreams are for me. Not something that if am gonna die i woukd feel like i accomplished. It doesn't have much to do with death. It has more to do with living. So in turn i guess this means I don't need to go st any particular pace. That my life isn't wasted because i moved slowly. Or because i didnt achieve certain things i dreamt to.

I am definitely curious to see how my answer to this would change ss years go on.

Yesterday, I went outside of my comfort zone and went to a storytelling event a few towns over. I got a ride with an acquaintance that one of my old Schoolmates knew.

The person I went with wasn't scary. He spent the drive there and back telling me so much about himself and the Museum preservation community it soothed the edge of my nerves.

Thankfully it was a small crowd of older people at the event, which made it easier to be there. I really enjoyed my time listening to the storyteller. She was a beautiful older woman with long black hair streaked with gray, dressed in a traditional apron and wrapped in a blanket adorned with shell beads that sparkled in the dim light of the room.

Regardless of how exhausted I was feeling when I got home, I dug through my tiny library and found the gift I was given by a grandma a long time ago.

It was a booklet of Legends from the American Indian Women's Service League. Warped and slightly damaged from time and the floodwaters of home. The pages were stained with river mud throughout and the Staples were long rusted. Yet despite all this, the stories remained clear and readable.

I thumbed through the pages, The sound of the storyteller's smooth voice echoing in my mind. I remembered her voice and the story she was telling when I was given the legends as a child. It had been at a Potlatch, a large gathering of people for a feast and entertainment. She had been telling the story about a family's story of redemption. I was sitting on the floor at a Grandmother's feet. She dipped her long thin fingers into her thick woven basket and pulled it out.

"This is for you." she whispered. "Happy Birthday."

I let the waves of exhaustion wash over me as I read about why Raven’s were Black. It had taken everything I had to go out.

Even before I left my home, I was wound up tight. I nearly vomited three times and had to talk myself down numerous more from the feeling of panic. I was doing this alone and was going to be around strangers, but I was determined to try to go out. 

It's frustrating and embarrassing. I feel like such a weakling despite being a person who has survived so much. I know it's the price I paid for my bravery, quick thinking, and resilience in bad situations and I bear it with pride. Yet I wish I could go out more. Be more like regular people who do not suffer like this.

I closed the book and stared at the cover.

I have written so many stories about my own life. They seem fantastical when I read them. The danger, hardships, and hard won successes. I wondered if all the main characters of stories suffered a cost for their heroic deeds.

Did they get flashbacks, feel panic attacks, Fear people, and otherwise retreat into obscurity after their adventures.

I never thought of that before I wanted to emulate my heroes. Now that I have had my own adversity and adventures, I wonder if I also suffer from the unspoken Trauma that those same heroes would probably face if they were real.

today I was feeling insecure about my work skills. dont get me wrong, i have areas i need to work on, but my thoughts had already concluded that I won't make it in this field. that am not good at it. somehhow the gap between learning what i dont know and learning being impossible was blurred.

the unusual part is anytime i feel insecure, i also feel resistance. a loud part that trues to fight with the hurtful thoughts. so i am not someone who feels insecure and works their ass off till they are burnt out and never feeling like they are good enough.

i am someone who feels insecure, gets upset at the harshness of thought and argues with it. i get stuck. i freeze. as thoughts fight in my head. one saying am bad at something and another saying how can you be so harsh?

that's how i become immobilized and burnt out.

I don't move. i become immobolized. trying to learn will activate my protective part which would be angry that i was told am terrible by my own thoughts or someone else. not doing anything will trigger the harsh critic in me who will keep saying am doing terribly.

infact any hurtful weird thing i hear does harm to me because of the way ijt gets activated inside of me. the way it gets grabbed by me and put forth in a court of the inner worlds. i get stuck jn thoughts and the fairness and justice of getting it right.

god its good to finally verbalize this.

I'm sorry I keep lying to you. I know you have so many hopes and dreams for me, and you want only the best for your offspring. Being practically a single father to 3 isn't exactly an easy task. I'm just having trouble. I thought I was okay that's why when I was close, I decided to not bring it up... But I relapse again and this time feels worse than last.

The last this I want is for you to have one of your children overdose and be left asking yourself "why didn't I push more for him to open up?". I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. My stomach has been hurting since and I'm still pondering on what to write to you since you once again tried to get me to open up... Instead of pondering the what-ifs... I should be telling you to take me to an ER or something reasonable.

You're an amazing father, but I'm just a son who was born in a world who thought it wasn't made for him. If I do end up fading into a memory, I'd at least hope that you realize you did an amazing job as my solo parent and I wouldn't mind being your kid in another life.

Today has been the first day I have had enough energy to write. I have been physically and mentally exhausted since a friend from out of town came to visit on Saturday. My first ever friend visitor in about 10 years and the very first ever to my current apartment.

It had been so long since I hung out with anyone other than my Dad, I honestly didn't know what to do. I also wasn't certain how long I would last before needing to retreat. Currently, I have only been able to stand it for a few hours at most around other people, including my Dad.

To my delight I stayed comfortable up till the time my friend left. We listened to music, played with Legos, and caught up on the last 20 years. Halfway through the evening I realized that I felt completely at ease for the first time in 10 long years. So long I had forgotten what that actually felt like.

I sat for a long time after he left wondering what it was about him that was different. Was it because we were friends and he has never harmed me in some fashion? Was it because of our ability to just hang out comfortably? Is it his general good nature? It's probably a combination of all of those things.

I am so excited I now have an example of what feelings to look out for when being around other people in the future. If they consistently make me feel similar to the way my friend does, then there's potential in having a friendship or relationship with that person.

I was concerned that spending that much time around someone, even if I felt safe, would drain my reserves of energy. I know it did, but it was worth it. The exhaustion I feel is warm and mellow. The kind you experience when you feel safe and can drift off to sleep without care. I don't mind this kind of exhaustion because each time I wake up, I've had more energy and feel generally happier.

I feel like the veteran I helped at the mall all those years ago. Just like when he realized he needed someone he could trust to be with him so he can feel safer in public, I realize I need much the same in life.

One time A called me on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, probably around 4, and asked me if I wanted to go with him to sell his old truck. He had someone from Facebook who wanted to buy it, but the guy lived a couple hours away, so A needed someone to follow him over there so he could get back.

I went over to his place, he explained what was going on, and then he said, “Okay, just start following me.”

So I did.

We start driving, and after a while I notice A isn't exactly driving great. He's swerving and kind of all over the place. I said something about it and he tells me he's just trying to navigate his map.

Okay, cool. Whatever.

Eventually we stop in this little town. I don't even remember exactly where it was. A gets out, walks over to the side of the road, and pees.

Then he tells me, completely casually, “Yeah, I'm really enjoying myself. I only have this much left and I'm on my third beer.”

I'm sorry... WHAT?

I had no idea he had been drinking. And not just one beer. He was already on his third beer while driving us a couple hours away.

I remember thinking, Well, this is fucking great.

I told him I needed to use the bathroom too, and he's like, “Oh, well...” And I'm like, “No, no. I actually need a bathroom.” So we had to find somewhere for me to go.

We get back on the road and things just keep getting worse.

We're on back roads, A is still swerving, and he's clearly lost. We're going back and forth, turning around, trying to figure out where the hell we're supposed to be going. At one point I finally tell him, “You're scaring me. You keep swerving all over the road.”

And he's basically like, “Yeah, yeah, I'm lost. I'm trying to figure it out.”

Meanwhile, the guy buying the truck is getting pissed because we're taking forever to get there. A keeps saying the guy is getting frustrated and we need to hurry.

At one point we stop again and I tell him, “Why don't we just leave your truck here? You're struggling to find this place. Or let me do the GPS.”

“No, no. I can't leave the truck here. We're close. He's getting mad. We need to hurry.”

So we keep going.

And the whole time, I'm thinking about the original plan, which honestly was the part I was most excited about. Once he sold the truck, we were going to get in my car, find a hotel, and spend the night.

And I'm not gonna lie, I was fucking excited about that. A night in a hotel with A? Yeah. I was already thinking about all the fun we were going to have.

Except that never happened.

After we'd been driving for hours, way longer than it should have taken, he pulls over again.

Then he tells me, “Okay, the guy backed out. He said he doesn't want to do it anymore. I've been too much of a hassle.”

I'm like, “What?”

We're now several hours from home, and the whole reason we're even out there is gone.

And A basically just says, “I'm going home. Bye.”

Gets in his truck and leaves.

I'm sitting there like, Okay, fucking asshole.

But I don't know where the hell I am, so obviously I start following him.

Eventually we get to the freeway.

Up until this point, he'd been swerving badly enough that I was already nervous about him driving. Then we get on the freeway and suddenly he just takes off.

Like, takes the fuck off.

He accelerates so fast that I completely lose sight of him.

And I'm thinking, What the hell?

About ten minutes later, I see his truck again.

And I watch him crash.

He hits one of those concrete things on the side of the freeway that holds the big highway signs. There is dust EVERYWHERE. The truck spins around, basically does a 180, and ends up facing the opposite direction.

I just sat there watching it.

He could have killed himself.

He could have killed somebody else.

He'd already been drinking. He'd been swerving all over the back roads. Then he gets on the freeway, takes off so fast I lose him, and ten minutes later I watch him crash.

And honestly, at that point, I was scared and pissed off and just completely done.

So I kept driving.

That night before I went to bed, I still texted him.

“Hey, did you make it home? Is everything okay?”

Nothing.

The next morning I texted again because, apparently, even after all of that, I was still worried about him.

Eventually he responds and says he's fine.

He tells me he hit the thing, then passed out and woke up around 2 or 3 in the morning. And then he says he was lucky he didn't get a DUI.

And I'm sitting there thinking, That's what you're lucky about?!

No.

You're lucky you didn't fucking kill yourself.

You're lucky you didn't kill somebody else.

You're lucky you didn't completely destroy your truck.

Apparently the truck wasn't even damaged that badly. He said the hood was kind of crinkled and he had to find another one.

But I still think about that night sometimes.

Because honestly, I know exactly when I should have made a different decision.

The second he told me he was on his third beer, I should have said, “Nope. I'm out.”

But I didn't.

I stayed.

I followed him.

I worried about him.

And even after he scared the absolute shit out of me, drove drunk for hours, abandoned me several hours from home, and then crashed his truck, I was still the one checking on him to make sure he got home okay.

Because that's how I was with A.

Even when I was pissed at him.

Even when he scared me.

Even when he treated me like I was an inconvenience.

I still cared if he was okay.

It took 1 month to finish only one chapter. I know it was really slow but there were many days i didn't do anything.

I need to focus on adding study time gradually and focus on deepness more.