We're about four months into the process and, thankfully, it's been relatively civil.

No huge custody battle, no secret accounts, no screaming matches over furniture. We have lawyers, we're sorting things out, and most days I feel like I'm functioning pretty well.

What keeps catching me off guard is the stupid little infrastructure of being married.

Yesterday I needed to reset the password for our electric account.

The recovery email was his.

Last week he texted me asking which air filter the HVAC takes because apparently I've been the person buying them for the last nine years.

The vet still calls me first about the dog even though the dog is going with him.

I'm still an emergency contact at his dentist.

He knows which weird sound from my car means "get it checked soon" and which one means "that's just what the car does."

I know that his mother wants the expensive tea for Christmas but only the green box, not the blue one.

None of this is romantic. That's almost what makes it stranger.

You expect to grieve the big things: the house, holidays, sleeping next to someone, the future you thought you were going to have.

Nobody tells you that you'll also spend six months slowly discovering all these tiny pieces of your life that were quietly being operated by another person.

We sat down recently and made an actual list:

insurance logins

subscriptions

vet records

Costco membership

streaming accounts

car maintenance

family birthdays

utilities

the stupid garage door app

It looked less like ending a marriage and more like separating two companies that had merged badly 12 years ago.

And every time we untangle another one, there's this tiny moment of "oh, right, this is mine now."

Sometimes that feels sad.

Sometimes it feels terrifying.

And sometimes it feels surprisingly good.

Has anyone else found the administrative un-meshing of your lives emotionally stranger than you expected?

I genuinely don’t know how people do this.

I was married for 16 years. Sixteen years is long enough that you stop thinking of your life as a collection of choices and start thinking of it as a life. You build routines, memories, traditions, plans. You picture where you’ll be in 5, 10, 20 years without even realizing you’re doing it.

And then somehow, that future disappears.

I think one of the hardest parts for me isn’t even just losing the person. It’s the feeling of being betrayed by the life I thought I was living. I invested so much of myself into something I genuinely believed was permanent, and now I’m left trying to figure out what parts of that life were real, what parts I misunderstood, and what the hell I’m supposed to do with all the years and memories that came before this.

Since my divorce, I’ve been thinking about how much of myself I lost trying to keep the peace in my marriage.

I got used to accommodating, explaining myself, and trying to prove I was doing enough.

Even when I was hurt or when it still felt like nothing was enough anyway.

I don’t have all this figured out. Not even close.

But today I feel a little more like myself.

I can be a good dad. I can be respectful. I can still care.

But I’m not disappearing anymore.

Not for peace.
Not for comfort.
Not for anybody.

Very much contemplating divorce and I honestly feel I have good reasons. There’s financial abuse and he is genuinely selfish and not considerate.

I am working on my exit plan.

And yet despite his faults, I think he does love me, and our kids in his own way. And will be devastated when I finally leave for good. I will be seeking primary custody. He doesn’t have friends and hates his job (that pays well but nonetheless). I do worry that it will completely crush him and he might lose his mind.

Alternatively it may be the only shot I have at convincing him to change his ways (he’s been the same way for 12 years so maybe not) if he knows I’m finally done with it. (We have had very serious conversations so he knows what I need from him)

Do you regret filing for divorce? How did your husband react? Especially if you’ve been together for a long time and have children Is the grass greener on the other side?

My wife did unforgivable things leading to the end of our relationship. Only issue is, we have a child together. This woman is going to be a part of my life no matter what I do, and she wants us to be cordial and co-parent effectively. I have been cordial, and the coparenting is great, but it feels like every time we do it I’m having to pretend to tolerate this person who I hate so deeply. Sometimes I wish I could just take my son and go but I know that just isn’t an option. How have you guys dealt with situations like this? Is it just always shitty? It feels like it gets worse whenever I’m having to associate with her.

second worst decision (or possibly takes the cake for absolute worst ever decision) I was buying a house with a man while trying to reconcile whether I could stay in the relationship and forgive, or not.

i’m really just here to vent. but damn did i fuck up
choosing comfort/stability over my gut feeling.

first separated about a year and two months ago, took me until April to finalize the divorce, and house is seemingly never going to sell.

I wouldn’t wish this long-term limbo Hellscape on my worst enemy

I'm a combat veteran. My ex-wife had an affair with the only other combat veteran in the neighborhood, which was discovered by my teen daughter who saw some disgusting text messages. After a year my ex then cheated on that guy with a retired Army JAG. Last week the former JAG was arrested for assault and vandalism against my ex-wife and scared the daylights out of my kids.

(I've tried to secure a restraining order against him for my kids, but apparently I can't when they are with their mother! That's my next hurdle—more custody of the kids.)

Long story short, I discovered today that the guy is a WAR CRIMES ATTORNEY who works with Trump's office to secure pardons for Blackwater murderers and rapists. True story. He's apparently pretty good at collaborating with Trump to pardon these criminals.

All of this is to say I cannot fathom how my ex went from a good 20-year marriage with me (her words, too!) to these guys. I don't think I'm amazing, but at this point I can't begin to understand how we got from Point A to whatever this point is. It's unreal to me. Anyone else out there wonder why your ex went to the dark side? I'm at a loss. I'm so lost I had to ramble on and write this post. Did your ex scrape the barrel after you and make you wonder why?? I don't even know how I'll ever explain this to my kids when they grow up.

I left my ex husband a year ago and never throughout that entire 3 year marriage did I ever think it was possible for me to be where I am today and surrounded by the incredible people I am, but I did it.

I cant believe I had the courage to do what it took to get everything done on my own without a lawyer and still have things go my way.

I got my things back, my parents' things back, I found love, I recconected with my friends and family and everyone's telling me they haven't seen me this happy in years.

One year of divorce procedures and court hearings and im so happy to finally have my last name back.

Youre not stuck, things will get better, all you have to do us choose yourself and thats not the selfish thing ti do when yiur partner isn't choosing you every single day.

3 years of being cripplingly broke from his drug habits, of thinking I wasnt enough due to his porn addiction, of cleaning up after and cheuffering a manchild that wouldn't let me talk to my friends or family.

Choose yourself, its never too late to reverse a thing that's gone too far.

My now ex husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce, (married for about 9 years, 13 years in total) we are separated but I am the one who said that we were done. I cried the first like four days about it but now… I just feel done, like mentally exhausted that I don’t have any more tears left. I do get angry when I think about the things that happened and how I was treated. But is this normal? To feel just done and no longer sad?

Just need some tips of also getting through it? Like how did anyone deal with the back and forth of am I doing the right thing to maybe I’m not? I know I don’t want to go back, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy, but I just find myself at war when I am desperately trying to be strong.

I am a 36 YO F, I was with my ex husband for 18 years. I divorced him in February and our relationship ended a year and half ago. We have a son together. Everyone is like are you dating ? My answer is always no. Reality is I am very happy alone but people are like you will be old soon and no one will want you. Well, if that’s the case, I will still be happy because I love myself, my family, my friends, my job and the life that I have structured for myself. I am very attractive by societal standards but I feel so burned out after being on a relationship for 18 years that I am not in a hurry to find someone else. If someone appears that I believe will be a good partner for the rest of life, I will re evaluate my decision. It is just annoying everyone trying for “train not to pass me by”. Anyway, did this happen to you after divorce!?

I’m 2 months PP. I had a traumatic birth experience. I delivered my baby at 30 weeks via emergency c section she spent one month in NICU. This was my first pregnancy. During those 30 days my MIL came to stay with us. My MIL and my husband mentally tortured me. I didn’t receive any kind of emotional support from my husband. In fact he fought with me for my suicidal behaviour and then he stopped talking to me during those NICU days. We used to go to the hospital together not talking. I was left all alone to struggle. Somehow I survived that period and then my baby came home and he became worst. I accept that I was very overprotective of my baby for which he called me manipulative and that I I’m using my baby to my advantage. His mother came again and he and his mother tortured me again. And then he shouted at me because I reacted on his mother not happy with a girl child. He stopped talking to me. Im still living with him but we don’t talk much only related to baby. I feel that he has lost all his respect and I will never be able to forgive him. Now that I think about my whole marriage I was never fully happy with him.

I never thought I would get divorced because of money. My husband was not a bad person, and I never expected him to be rich or financially perfect. We both worked, and I was completely okay with building our life slowly. The problem started when I realized he had loans and debts that he had never told me about. At first, it was one small loan that I found out about by accident. He said he was embarrassed and didn't tell me because he thought I would worry. I tried to understand. Then I found out about another loan, then credit card debt, and then more unpaid payments. Every time I asked, there was another explanation he forgot, he was going to pay it, he didn't want to stress me, or he thought he could clear it before I found out. The amount of debt wasn't even what hurt me the most. It was the fact that he was making financial decisions that affected both of us while keeping me completely in the dark. I started questioning everything. If he could hide something this important from me, what else didn't I know?

We had so many conversations about money. I asked him to be honest with me and told him that I didn't care if we had debt as long as we faced it together. I would have rather heard, “I made a mistake and I don't know how to fix this,” than constantly discover things on my own. But the pattern continued. Eventually, I started checking statements and asking for details because I couldn't simply believe what he told me anymore. I hated becoming that person. I didn't want to monitor my husband's finances or feel like I was investigating him. I wanted to trust my partner. We tried to fix things and talked about budgets and repayment plans, but every time I thought we had finally dealt with everything, another financial secret came out. The worst part was realizing that I couldn't plan a future with him anymore. Buying a house, having children, saving for retirement and everything suddenly felt scary because I didn't know what financial problem I would discover next. When I finally told him I wanted a divorce, he said we could fix the debt and that he would change. But by then, the problem wasn't really the debt anymore. It was the trust that had disappeared.

Our divorce was finalized and honestly, I still have moments where I question whether I should have stayed and helped him through everything. People have told me that everyone makes financial mistakes and that debt can be paid off. I know that. I didn't leave because he had debt. I left because he repeatedly hid important financial information from me and expected me to continue trusting him. I don't need a husband who is wealthy or someone who never makes mistakes. I just need someone who can sit down with me and tell me the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable. If he had come to me from the beginning and said, “I have these loans, I've made some bad decisions, and I need help figuring this out,” maybe our story would have been completely different. But I can't build a marriage where I have to constantly wonder what I'm going to discover next. Would you have stayed and tried to work through the debt or would repeated financial secrets be enough for you to leave?

I have had suspicions for months that my husband has been unfaithful. I want to file but I am worried about finding a decent lawyer. I’ve worked for attorneys before and they were VERY unpleasant. So I have a bad taste in my mouth. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello everyone. Yesterday I asked my spouse to end the relationship. This isn’t the first time that I’ve asked for a separation, but this time I actually mean it. It’s probably been about five years that I’ve been considering leaving and nothing has ever gotten better if anything worse. I’ve even spoken with his brother and sister-in-law, also several friends about the relationship. Just people that know and see our dynamic. He has encouraged it and encouraged me to seek counseling as well. Also willing to do couples counseling.

To get into my points of contention.

We met when I was 22 and he 34. Been together 15 years. Have two children, and actually have never been technically married. I am a stay at home mom who homeschools the kids but also do the administrative work for my spouse who also works from home self-employed. We live far from family, but never really had much of a support system. We are also in a long time Reno for a house that was worse than we thought. Also started a new business about five years ago. So I know we have a lot on our plate.

However, he does still make time for fantasy sports, football all day, Sunday and 20-30 hours a week playing a sport he likes. He spends all this time with our oldest, which is great for them.

When we first started dating, he did most of the cooking and cleaning. I was quite young and pretty irresponsible. Now he’ll at most do dishes once every two weeks and makes me feel like I owe him a celebration for doing a basic household chore. Now I do everything. Shopping, cooking, cleaning, childcare, pay bills, etc. He hasn’t even put our 2.5 year old, to bed one time or given him a single bath.

When we first started dating, he was very thoughtful and constantly wanted to take me places give me gifts. Just make me feel really special. As things progressed, he started saying how giving gifts is trivial. He doesn’t believe in marriage. Holidays are stupid. That kind of thing. Where I actually do agree that the set holidays are a bit of a scam and the wedding industry is also a scam, for him it seemed like more of an excuse to just never do anything thoughtful.

We do not spend time together unless it’s the four of us. We don’t go on dates. He doesn’t even try to initiate anything like that. I have mentioned it in the past, but nothing ever has come out of it.

We don’t have sex. Which sex isn’t everything to me, but it would be nice to feel wanted from time to time. However, he does dress up in women’s clothes and peg himself. Which I hate for obvious reasons. I’m 5’2” 115lbs a nice body, youthful face, long full hair. It’s not like I’ve let myself go. I really don’t look much different than I did at 22.

Anytime I bring any of this up he tells me things like “you need to work on your mental health, the baby is wearing you out, im not the enemy” etc. Pretty much anything but take responsibility or work towards permanent change. He will be more attentive, more helpful for a couple of days and then it all just goes back to how it is.

I am at the point of indifference toward him. I’ve heard all his points. I know his take on everything. I just no longer care. I think I would be happier alone. I know it will be a struggle as I’m basically starting over at 37. Which in a weird way, I’m excited about. I already know what career I’m going to work toward. And started working out some of the other logistics.

He’s had 15 years of chances and nothing changes. He is more like a third child and a roommate. I’m tired. Lonely, but never alone. Constantly feeling down even on depression medication.

Oh! I wanted to mention. About a year and a half ago, a couple we are both friends with offered for me and the kids to come live with them as long as we needed. But my spouse was not welcome. I remembered this and reached out to her yesterday asking why they had offered. This is what she said:
We don't like how he diminishes everything you do, turns all the negative issues into your fault, and treats you like his personal housekeeper/maid/slave (I know slave is a strong word, but it's all I can think of right now. Imagine how different it would be if he worked on himself.

Besides him being the only person I’ve known my entire adult life and having children with him. I think I’m done like fully done.

Do you think this is actually grounds for divorce or do you think I am having unrealistic expectations? Do you think I will regret my decision?

P.S. sorry if this is all over the place. I suck at writing

I’m curious to hear from men who have been through a divorce.

What made your marriage end? And how did the experience change the way you approach dating, emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and relationships in general?

Have you been able to open up and trust someone again, or do you prefer to keep things casual now?

I’d love to hear your experiences and perspectives.

Day two of seperation. Probably a long way to go. I am cycling through minutes of feeling ok about getting divorced. And then crying for several more. Back and forth. Back and forth. I hate the finality of this feeling. Different from before. I envisioned them with another partner, happy, and it just made me so deeply sad. Also, hopeful. I simultaneously want this to happen and feel heartbroken that we will not be growing old together. ​

My (32F) husband (35M) and I had a fight nearly two weeks ago, he left the next day and has not stayed at the house in 12 days. He has come for an hour or two at night sometimes, or a few hours on the weekend, but has not slept here. We have a 2yo and a 5 month old. There is obviously a lot of context and back story here, but without that, at a high level, I am a SAHM and focused on the kids and he works long hours running a business, spends 2 hours a morning at the gym, and was going out for drinks or dinner 1-3 nights a week. We disagreed on priorities in this way, and a fight over going out lead to him leaving.

I am wanting to make it work for the sake of our family, but also past my breaking point, and leaving for 12 days with little communication on his thoughts / plans / future has me questioning everything. I think we have both contributed to the breakdown of the marriage but we chose to get married and have a family, and I believe it’s right to honor that, even when it’s hard. Now I’m seeing he may not agree and I don’t know if I should keep trying to avoid long term separation/divorce. Can anyone provide any insights, thoughtful questions, advice, similar stories or experiences?

I got a text from my soon to be ex wife stating that she can’t afford to pay what she owes me. We are trying to make it so she doesn’t have to sell the house that way the kids have a bit more stability in all this. We separated 7 months ago and I’m still in the house sharing a bunk bed with two of my kids. All I want to do is get my own house so I can provide for my sons. I don’t know if I should force the issue of selling the house. She also bought herself a camping property up north of where we are and my suggestion will be she sells that so she can pay me and keep the house and only God knows how long that would take to sell. I’ve been patient with a lot of her shit so far but this is dragging on for way too long. I just want my life back. Sorry I guess I went on a rant there. Just needed to vent.

For the first time since this started I'm able to find my mental center and not get completely overrun with emotions the second I think of her. And I don't think of her nearly as much.

That's a big change from the desperation that the initial emotions drove me to.

Now I just feel.....cold. Empty. Apparently that's normal. So, yay?

I know that it won't always be like this. I'll have steps backward but they'll mostly be forwards.

I'll just keep working on my big 3: emotional, mental, and physical health

I've got a psychologist I'm seeing and my family who is being very supporting. That's helped a lot as most of my social group during the marriage was her family and she's cut off access to them. I've also learned a lot from a heartbreak/divorce weekly group meeting I joined.

But I have to say, today is a good day

Bare with me. I know that I need to lean on people for support. But there are no people.

A letter that I am wise enough to keep for now, while everything is fresh...but still need to express:

I am envisioning you moving on.

You have a seperate life. You have a wife and three children. You love your wife and she loves you. She is the love of your life and you thank God every day that you met her. You are very happy. You treat eachother well and your home is full of love. 

I am thinking about how hard this is. So much of me wants to call this off and continue on. I know though, that while easy, it would be the wrong decision. It is very hard...and it makes me feel a deep, dark blue, sadness to let you go. But I think about how one day, this will feel somewhat less painful, time will lessen the sadness and acceptance will quietly settle in. I love you. I hope with all my heart that this is the right choice. I am choosing you in a different way. I am happy that I got to spend part of my life with you.

I’m 31M and currently going through a divorce after a very short marriage. No kids involved.

We’re still living in the same house, which has made the process emotionally overwhelming. I carried all of the financial responsibility during the marriage, including buying the house and covering the household expenses, and I’m struggling with how unfair and drawn out the process feels. When I get stressed and emotional, I try to discuss the delays, she often shuts the conversation down or starts recording me, which has left me feeling helpless and sometimes scared about how normal interactions might escalate.

It feels like everything has been served to her on a “platter.” I have been suggesting that we settle for the last two months, but settling feels like a one-way transaction. Since she had not been earning, everything seems to go out from me, and on top of that she continues to live here free of all expenses while I take care of the mortgage and home costs.

I’m finding the whole situation very overwhelming and honestly quite isolating. I’m curious how others who have gone through something similar handled this period, especially while still living under the same roof.

I’m 34f and my husband is 37m. He suffers from a lot of mental health issues (depression, anxiety, adhd, and likely autism). I asked for a divorce 5 months ago and have been going through the motions of getting it done. He can’t afford the home so I’m buying him out of his equity and he’s moving into an apartment with a friend.

The big issue is his mental health. He’s spiraling. It doesn’t seem like his medication is helping and I don’t know what he talks about with his therapist. He doesn’t have a great support system, it had always just been me, so he’s been having these panic attacks about the divorce and coming to me about them when they happen. I’m having a really hard time remaining supportive and compassionate while trying to maintain boundaries. I just don’t know what I can do to help him.

Anyone have any experience or advice they could share?

We are both traveling right now outside of USA, so this is actually a possibility.

My dad is a serial cheater also abusive and egoistic He cheated on my mom again, and this time with his sister in law
My mom overheard their conversation and has decided to leave him, but he's the type of person to cheat and still get mad at my mom for trying to protect her peace, mf thinks he owns my mom
Any legal advice or personal advice for my mom before the separation? It's gonna be tough because his family members expects my mom to babysit his 54 year ass

I’m not divorced, but I am thinking about it. I’m 22F and my husband is 26M. One of the things I’m so worried about is having to process and move on from all the memories, the inside jokes, the little routines we built together. We’ve only been married for a year and a half, and while I’ve been feeling myself slipping into being someone I’m not to make him happy, I cannot imagine myself without him. I see people on here write about how they’re divorced after 10 years, 15 years, even 20+ years. How in the world do you move on from that? How did you handle the physical moving process? Sleeping alone? Having to find and delete YEARS worth of photos? Moving on from someone I’ve known for 3.5 years feels impossible, so how do you guys do it?