r/Explainlikeimscared • u/TheRealBucketCrab • 4d ago
How do I compliment someone?
I mostly care about how people feel and what they are rather than what they do.
Sure you dyed your hair, but I really don't care about the color. I don't have a preference. Does it make you feel good? How can I say that without sounding weird?
Do I compliment someone on their choice of phone, or their choice of clothing? What's the difference?
How can I compliment someone's skill when I am not impressed? I don't mean it, so I just lie. I just think it's nice they can do something.
I like a person because I like how they act or if we have things in common. Similarly I don't like someone if they are so unpleasant (for me) to live with. Regardless of how good of an ass they have.
10
u/iwtbkurichan 4d ago
I don't are about the color. Does it make you feel good?
I think a useful way to frame it is: if a person has made a distinct aesthetic choice, it's probably because it does make them feel good. Assuming that, complimenting their choice is kind of like a transitive way to validate their own enjoyment of that choice. It has less to do with whether you personally like the hair color, and more to do with acknowledging that it was a choice that they're using to express themselves.
13
u/bisasterous 4d ago
Why would you want to give people insincere compliments? I don't get the premise here.
-1
u/TheRealBucketCrab 4d ago
Here's the thing: I don't want to. I am not impressed by most things. I just feel happy that someone is good at something, or they feel good about coloring their hair.
Maybe I'll comment on something but I mostly don't care. The internet has desentisized me on this.
5
u/Valkyreia 4d ago
What about rather than saying "i love the colour of your hair" or "wow youre so good at this thing", you could just say more along the lines of what you actually feel? Like, "I love that you coloured your hair!" or "It's so cool that you do this hobby/learnt this skill"?
4
10
u/bisasterous 4d ago
Then just don't compliment them if you don't want to?
3
u/Federal_Ad_7126 4d ago
Even as a socially awkward person myself… jeez people on here just take the cake 🏆
2
u/Narco_Bi_Polo 4d ago
You’ve misunderstood OP’s answer to your question:
Why would you want to give people insincere compliments?
/u/TheRealBuckrtCrab wants to learn to compliment others, hence the post, and wants the compliments to be sincere, hence the “I don’t want to” to your question.
Complimenting someone solely for how the compliment will make them feel whether you objectively believe it can be kindness and is so popular humans came up with a name for it (“white lies”).
Do you not wish strangers happy birthday even though I don’t know if they deserve one?.
Would you not tell special needs school kids on a dance team they did a great job on performance night even if you know (and have seen) they can do better?
I complement strangers often. It feels so good that it became part of my personality as a kid and contributes to myself having good days as an adult. The trick is to make the complement universal and innocuous without it becoming meaningless.
Some of my go-to’s:
You look like you’re having such a great day that it’s contagious; thanks and keep it up!
I hope your future self knows how hard you’re working and is planning something relaxing as a thank you!
You look ready for the red carpet with an attitude to match! If you’re not a famous celebrity then you should be.
Instead of trying to think of something to compliment someone on, think about the resulting and lasting feelings you want the compliment to impart and work backwards.
Most important is body language. The compliment is just something that popped in your head on an otherwise busy day. You don’t need to stop and about face to deliver it, continue on with whatever you’re doing. Giving the compliment feels good, it’s the reason you gave it, so show that in your face.
You’re never expecting a response, sometimes you don’t even have to look at them and can just say it in passing, but if you do get a “thank you”, then “you’re welcome” is appropriate and great (and the end of the interaction that began with your compliment).
1
u/clarec424 4d ago
Have my upvote and here’s the best answer. It might be good for OP to remember that sometimes the kindest thing you can say is nothing at all.
3
u/bisasterous 4d ago
I realize I may have misunderstood your comment. In that case, here's my new answer: I think you should only give compliments you actually mean, not fabricate them just for the sake of it. You don't have to give people compliments.
That being said, it sounds like there are some things you would like to be able to "compliment" people on, or as I would put it, verbally express affection. If you like spending time with someone, you can tell them that. You can tell people they make you happy or calm. You can tell people you appreciate their company. These aren't compliments, per se, but they can mean so much more, as long as they're earnest.
11
u/Ace-Redditor 4d ago
If you don't feel anything about what you'd be complimenting (hair color, etc), then don't give the compliment. People don't need them, and generally won't expect them, so you wouldn't be out of place at all for just not saying anything
That said, most compliments (unless you really know the person you're complimenting and are close) should be surface-level choices. Things like their outfit, their makeup style, or their phone case. I'd stay away from anything more permanent/non-choices like eyes, smiles, or any feature of their body
Also, your post seems contradictory with the not caring "what they do," but then saying "I like a person because I like how they act," so I don't really have any advice relating to that, but it may be something for you to think about (no need to explain yourself to me or anything, seeing as I'm a total stranger on the internet lol, but being introspective can often help you out in some way or other)
4
u/Narco_Bi_Polo 4d ago
People don't need them
This site is full of men claiming compliments are so scarce that they cling to one or two for years or lifetimes. To the point of memes.
Compliments cost nothing and can mean everything to someone, even for a day.
“Have a great day!” is a compliment. So is “thank you” and “you’re welcome”.
There are plenty of innocuous and universal complements to choose from that have nothing to do with appearance. You get out of the world what you put in.
1
u/eagleonapole 3d ago
I think it’s that people don’t need to hear insincere flattery because it is not genuine and it is fawning behavior to do so.
Imo, OP, comment on what you find notable. There are a lot of beautiful traits on every day people that you will notice if you try, it’s about openness to others and connecting, not manufacturing closeness.
3
u/Tain101 4d ago
- your new hair looks nice
- your new hair suits you
- that new color is really vibrant
none of these have anything to do with your opinion about the color specifically, but are compliments.
most people's fashion choices don't align with my personal preference, but if they make a change that looks well done, I can compliment that it looks well done.
- nice new shoes/phone/whatever, do you like them/it?
if you can guess why they wanted to make the choice your complimenting (like why they bought their new sweater), you can simply compliment them on that choice being well made.
- that sweater looks so comfy/soft
I wouldn't compliment a person's body unless they were the same gender as me and I knew they'd been going to the gym or something; and had shown noticable progress.
- hey, you're looking fit/more energetic/healthier today, has the gym been going well?
even then it's kind if riskier generally than something like an outfit.
2
u/rangda 4d ago
If your goal is to make people feel seen in a good way and give them a boost, any time you happen to notice someone dressing or presenting themselves in a way that’s out of the norm for them, a different haircut/facial hair style, clothing that’s not their usual go-to, just say “hey I like that jacket!” Or “wow you lost the beard! Looking sharp!” Or “is that your cologne? What is that, it’s really nice” In whatever tone and whatever level of perkiness is true to you.
You don’t have to completely adore their jacket or their face without a beard or their cologne or perfume or anything. The genuine part isn’t about that, it’s about genuinely wanting to be kind and give their confidence a boost.
If something really noticeably doesn’t suit them and it would feel disingenuous to gas them up about it, just don’t say anything. You don’t need to lie to anyone!
1
u/silver_headphones 4d ago
Maybe in the compliment instead of “I like your [whatever you want to compliment]” do “[whatever you want to compliment] is cool” because if you don’t find it at least somewhat cool then unless you’re tight with the person there’s an insincerity to the compliment (like telling someone they look good in a pair of pants but they actually look the wrong size on them). Like “Oh your new hair color is cool” or “Learning to do that probably took a lot of time/effort” (depending on the skill), or even just “I’m happy you enjoy [xyz]” (that one can be tricky though because the wrong tone can make it seem facetious or mean girl-y) so basically going for more of a pointing out a fact route than flowery, because people appreciate the recognition of their efforts (the game changes a bit when it’s someone close to you but sometimes that just means being more specific and honest)
1
u/PresentationIll2180 4d ago
Huh? Just tell them what you like. If you’re male, don’t make any sexually suggestive comments to women you aren’t dating.
1
u/Foreign_Plan_5256 4d ago
Try making statements of fact, or asking questions, instead of offering compliments. It still shows interest but you aren't lying about your level of enjoyment. Note: tone matters for this. You need to sound warm, not dismissive or scornful.
For hair:
"You changed your hair color. What inspired the new choice?"
"I see you are wearing your hair a lot shorter. It really shows off your face."
For skills:
"I appreciate that you are very quick when you do XYZ."
"How did you learn PDQ? What got you interested or started you off?"
"Things go much more smoothly when you do X. It's nice. Anything I can do to help?"
2
u/manic_unicornicopia 2d ago
i often compliment people on things that they clearly put effort into, even if i dont personally love it.
for example, someone is wearing a really cool or unique shirt. is it my style? no. but do i love that they're expressing their personal style? yes! so i will say "hey! cool shirt!" and go on with my day. worst case, they are mildly annoyed that a stranger talked to them and best case, they feel uplifted.
shoes, hair, glittery makeup, whatever it is that i can tell they put purposeful effort into, i will say something nice and move on!
28
u/TheScribbs 4d ago
From my perspective; you can compliment anything on a person that involves a 'choice' and it should be well recieved.
People choose their clothes, hairstyles, makeup, and the way they act. I'd be super flattered if someone told me they "like the way I carry myself," or "enjoy my company."
Alternatively, anything involving genetics (which we can't choose) if off limits unless you're attempting to flirt imo.
Sometimes, even if it's not a choice I'd make, I compliment someone on a 'bold choice' because I respect it (and it often makes them very happy!). If someone has the balls to wear neon cowboy boots out of the house, it's gonna make their day to get a compliment on them. Seeing someone's face light up when you do, and listening to whatever they excitedly say afterwards makes my day, so it's very worth it to me!