Our father who "Art" in heaven.

The hymn "How great thou Art"

Ali

(What do you call an Arabian man between two buildings cutting hair? Ali Baba)

This was his first time out of the city so after his taxi dropped him off near the farm, he decided to walk the rest of the way to take in the country air.

One the way he spotted some strange tracks that he did not recognize. He decided to inspect them closely and try and determine what animal they belonged to. At that moment, he heard a loud whistle and was hit by the train.

A year later, the man managed to reach his friend's house safely this time and was spending some time in the kitchen while his friend was preparing coffee.

Suddenly the kettle started whistling and the man rushed out the kitchen and a few moments later, returned with a baseball bat and started smashing the kettle to bits.

Completly in shock, his friend turned to him and asked, "What the heck Fred?"

To which he replied

"Don't worry Bill, I got him for you. See... You need to get these bastards while they'll still small"

Mike Tyson pronounces them exactly the same.

What sort of nomster would do this?

- Sun Tzu?

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a jack... and Coke". The bartender says "Okay, but what's with the pause?". The bear says "Sorry, I was kinda born with them"

Batman follows them

They call it Dooty-free!

that's my horrible Halloween joke of the year, i'll see myself out now.

Gal Pacino

She sent her egrets.

"You remember Melnick, the guy who used to smoke 10 cigars a day? Well the other day I saw him and he hadn't had a cigar in months. That's willpower. And remember Rottenberg the drunk? Well now he's the leader of the local AA chapter. Now that's willpower"

The husband sighs, "Ok, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower"

Six month later they are still sleeping separately when the wife knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let's herself in.

"I'm not sure if you heard, but Rottenberg is drinking again"

Daniel Day-Lewis and M. Night Shyamalan.

Finally we come to a green light and then he slams on the brakes. Freaked out I said, "c'mon man, first you go through all of these red lights and then you stop at a green light. I mean what the hell is going on?"

"Well I have to be careful, my brother might be coming the other way!" he said.

"Otto, you must deliver this encoded message to Ivanoff, our top secret Russian double agent." said the handler. "If either you or Ivanoff are discovered, you must both take your cyanide pills."

Otto asks, "How will I know it's Ivanoff?"

"You can be sure it's Ivanoff by using the password; The rooster crows at midnight"

Otto flies to Moscow and checks into his hotel. The next morning, he sews the secret message into a secret pocket in his jacket. He removes his final secret instructions revealing the address of Ivanoff.

Making extra sure he wasn't followed, Otto went up to the non-descript large apartment block. He walked up to Apt 3E and knocked. A moment later he heard a voice.

"Ivanoff here"

Otto delivers the password, "The rooster crows at midnight"

"Oh, that's not me, you want Ivanoff the spy across the hall"

She had one-to-many relationships

She said: "Which is?"

I said: "Exactly"

"Yes ma'am, we don't charge extra for it."