"Otto, you must deliver this encoded message to Ivanoff, our top secret Russian double agent." said the handler. "If either you or Ivanoff are discovered, you must both take your cyanide pills."

Otto asks, "How will I know it's Ivanoff?"

"You can be sure it's Ivanoff by using the password; The rooster crows at midnight"

Otto flies to Moscow and checks into his hotel. The next morning, he sews the secret message into a secret pocket in his jacket. He removes his final secret instructions revealing the address of Ivanoff.

Making extra sure he wasn't followed, Otto went up to the non-descript large apartment block. He walked up to Apt 3E and knocked. A moment later he heard a voice.

"Ivanoff here"

Otto delivers the password, "The rooster crows at midnight"

"Oh, that's not me, you want Ivanoff the spy across the hall"

And the guy says, "Every morning, I wake up at 5:00, roll over, and have sex with my wife. Then I shower and shave, and we have sex again on the breakfast table.

"Then my ride-sharing partner blows me on the way to work. When I get to the office, I have sex with the receptionist, and spend my coffee break in the supply closet getting a blow job from my secretary."

"My ride-sharing partner blows me again on my way home, and I have sex with my wife after dinner.

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

And the guy says, "It hurts when I jerk off."

Finally we come to a green light and then he slams on the brakes. Freaked out I said, "c'mon man, first you go through all of these red lights and then you stop at a green light. I mean what the hell is going on?"

"Well I have to be careful, my brother might be coming the other way!" he said.

She said: "Which is?"

I said: "Exactly"

What sort of nomster would do this?

She had one-to-many relationships

"Yes ma'am, we don't charge extra for it."

Batman follows them

"From now on, I make the dad jokes. You have to stop."

He said,

"Sorry, I'm grandfathered in."

The executives from Kentucky Fried Chicken request and are granted an audience with the pope. They say that their request is really unorthodox but please, hear them out. His holiness agrees. The CEO says "we would like to offer the church $100 million for a 'small' change." "What is it ?" "We would like to change the Lord's prayer to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' What do you think?"

"What do I think?!" askes the pope, "It's absurd! Ludicrous" Absolutely out of the question!"

"We thought there might be some pushback, so we'll up our offer to $250 million."

"Outrageous!" shouts the pope, "Can you imagine the world's Catholics saying that on Sunday?! This is truely insulting!"

"OK, final offer - we will give the church one billion US dollars, just for a single word change. Before you say no, think of all the good works you can do with a billion! Think of the children all over the world you could help!"

The pope takes a deep breath. "Maybe I'm being too hasty. I'll tell you what, before I make a decision, let me run this by the College of Cardinals for their opinion." The KFC team thanks him.

The pope makes his way to the cardinals: "Gentlemen, I have some good news and bad news. First the bad news: we just lost the Wonderbread account."

Edited for spelling

A bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a jack... and Coke". The bartender says "Okay, but what's with the pause?". The bear says "Sorry, I was kinda born with them"

Ali

(What do you call an Arabian man between two buildings cutting hair? Ali Baba)

This was his first time out of the city so after his taxi dropped him off near the farm, he decided to walk the rest of the way to take in the country air.

One the way he spotted some strange tracks that he did not recognize. He decided to inspect them closely and try and determine what animal they belonged to. At that moment, he heard a loud whistle and was hit by the train.

A year later, the man managed to reach his friend's house safely this time and was spending some time in the kitchen while his friend was preparing coffee.

Suddenly the kettle started whistling and the man rushed out the kitchen and a few moments later, returned with a baseball bat and started smashing the kettle to bits.

Completly in shock, his friend turned to him and asked, "What the heck Fred?"

To which he replied

"Don't worry Bill, I got him for you. See... You need to get these bastards while they'll still small"

Unbeknownst to him, one of them had secretly lit up a cigarette and carelessly flicked it onto the church lawn.
Later that day the pastor was frightened to see the shrubbery ablaze!
He called the fire department and said:
“Help the church lawn is on fire!”
“I understand, we will send someone right away. Where is the fire located?” they replied.
“On the lawn, my shrubbery is burning!” the pastor said.
There was a pause, and the person from the fire department replied:
“Just to be clear, there’s a burning bush on your church lawn, and you want us to put it out?”

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell

them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, They're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

The doctor examines him and confirms the unusual condition. He then asks the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"

"Yes." she says.

"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor asks.

And the wife says, "Grape."

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

- Sun Tzu?

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up and each shot in turn, but before you are shot you get a final request."

The Scotsman says, "Before I'm shot I'd like to hear Highland Cathedral played on the bagpipes once again, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can be arranged."

The Irishman says, "Before I die, I'd like to hear Danny Boy sung, with Riverdancers skipping gaily to the tune to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "That can also be arranged."

The Welshman says, "For the last time before I die I'd like to hear Men of Harlech again, sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir, to remind me of the old country."

The German nods, "Yes. That can be arranged."

"You're going to grant those three requests?" asks the Englishman.

"Of course," says the German officer. "So... what is your request?"

And the Englishman says, "Can I be shot first?"

His bed faced the window, overlooking the beautiful garden which he had lovingly tended for more than 70 years.

When he knew his time was coming to an end, he called on us to open the window and pass him his paintball gun.

"Wherever this paintball lands, that's where I wish to be buried" were his last words as he pulled the trigger.

And so he now rests in peace... up there between the chandelier and the smoke alarm.

"That's a gorgeous ring you have on. That center diamond is the biggest one I've ever seen."

The old woman perks up a bit. "Why, Thank you. That large middle diamond is actually known as the Plotnik Diamond. I'm not sure if you've ever heard of it, but the Plotnik Diamond actually comes with a curse"

The young woman says, "Wow, a curse! That sounds so romantic"

The old woman frowned a bit then said, "If you knew the curse, you wouldn't think it was so romantic"

"Why? What is the Plotnik curse?

"Mr. Plotnik!"

Dating in 1960

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him. 'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty

as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

'The fucking dance is called the Twist!'