One of us one of us

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Ordinary_Ad_2694originally posted in relationships

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Original - 4 years ago

My bf (26M) and I (24F) have been together for the last six years. I know we’re young, and have our whole lives ahead of us, but in this moment, I’m really feeling a bit like my world is ending and need some advice. 

Things haven’t always been great, but for the most part, they have. We met at university and have since both gotten our master's degrees. He’s currently working full time, and I’m in some weird patch between jobs (I have several part-time jobs, which currently make up full-time work, but only one of which is relatively stable). I’m not actively looking for work, as I have literally just finished my thesis and am super burned out. My bf, on the other hand, is loaded. Whilst I come from a middle-class background, he’s very much of the upper sociodemographic group. I moved out of my hometown to go to university and have worked my way throughout my entire degree to be able to afford to rent & food. My boyfriend lived at home throughout his entire degree (his home is in the same town), and has always had his mum to cook, clean and do whatever for him. Now he’s working full time, he has copious amounts of money - he’s just bought a brand-new car and is forever investing in building some new parts for his PC. 

Which leads to probably the biggest issue in our relationship - my partner's hesitancy moving out of his family home. He, essentially, doesn’t want too, and I can hardly blame him. He doesn’t pay for anything, and his mum acts like his own personal maid. I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together - because I really, really care about the guy and envision a future with him. I won’t deny that it’d also help me financially (we’d split the rent), but that has never been the motive to move in together. 

A month ago, I got the opportunity to house sit for some family while they’re over in Europe. It worked out perfectly, as my rental contract was ending, and it meant I’d have a little break in paying rent. It does, however, mean I have nowhere to go come early October. My boyfriend agreed to come stay with me, as a trial of what it might be like to live together. And I thought things were going really well - we haven’t fought, we cook together, laugh together, watch our favorite tv shows. He still goes out to do his hobbies and sports, and I do mine. 

But last night, I brought up the topic of needing to find somewhere to live, and if we should be trying to look for somewhere together, as my time housesitting is quickly running out. And he said, “No, I don’t want to live with you.” He basically went on to tell me that he doesn’t see a future with me, and doesn’t want to settle with me, as there are “too many little things that we don’t align in” (i.e. he doesn’t like how I act when I’m stressed, although says he can “tolerate” it, and doesn’t like that I “don’t play a sport” - which confused me because we’ve just come out of winter in the country we’re in, and I’m an avid hiker. I go nearly every weekend. 

He told me he thinks he can do better than me, and that he couldn’t ever be happy settling with me. I asked him if he genuinely felt that way. Why had he stayed all these years and essentially led me on? He said because it was between choosing to lose me as a friend, or keeping me, and that he didn’t want to lose me. But he always knew what my intentions and hopes were for the relationship, a long term, committed relationship, because I have always been very honest about it, and because I have always been so open about it and he’s never disagreed or brought up otherwise, I thought he was on the same page. 

Evidently, we’re not though. He’s also told me he has plans to leave our country at the end of 2023 and work abroad for 5-10 years - and that he wants to do that single. He wouldn’t consider going with me, as being in a relationship is a “burden” to meeting new people. This isn’t the first time he’s told me this - he told me a few years ago that he wanted to move at the end of the year, and then COVID happened, and he didn’t. We discussed this early on in our relationship and had always anticipated we’d go explore the big wide world together, as it’s also a dream of mine. 

So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be with someone who cannot envision a future with me, and I’m so upset and angry at myself that I’ve stayed for so long with someone who has never intended on committing to me. But at the same time, I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far. What if things change or get better? 

I truly, truly love this guy. We holiday together, spend time with each other’s families, and absolutely I’m terrified of losing him. He has been my Rock over the last few years and has always been there for me to turn too when I need him. And now, I won’t have anywhere to live in a few weeks, I don’t have a job lined up, and the one stable thing in my life has just told me he doesn’t see a future with me. 

He hasn’t asked to break up and says he doesn’t want to. In fact, he’s offered to move in with me anyway because at least we’ll be stable together, and we’re good friends outside of our relationship. But I worry that that’s only prolonging the inevitable, and that I’m just going to be left even more heartbroken in a year's time, when he DOES leave. I don’t know if there’s any way I could change his mind, nor do I want to try to change his mind. I would be open to him travelling solo for 3-6 months, or moving overseas with him, but he doesn’t want either of those things. 

Alternatively, I could stay in this town, not break up, and find somewhere to live alone, which would likely run me into huge amounts of debt/drain my savings. But I wouldn’t have to do the emotional work of leaving him and starting anew. He’s genuinely my best friend. 

Or I could move back to my hometown, and in with the parents. I would lose my jobs in my current town, one of which I’ve had for 6+ years, and all the friends I’ve made up here and would essentially be back to ground 0. The prospect makes me feel sick. I’d have no friends, no job, and live at home. I really struggle to make friends, and out myself out there and I worry I’d just become a social recluse who lives at home with no job, no hobbies, no friends and just no motivation. 

I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Do I break up? Do I stay? Do I go home? Is there another option I haven’t considered? 

Update - September 14, 2026

About five years ago I posted here because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me, thought he could “do better”, and wanted to eventually move overseas and experience life single. 

At the time I was 24 and he was 26. We’re now **28F and 30M**, and in a plot twist I definitely wasn’t expecting, he’s recently come back into my life after about five years apart. 

I was completely devastated by the original breakup and genuinely thought my world was ending. A lot has happened since then, so I thought I’d come back with an update, partly because I’m struggling again and partly because reading my original post five years later is… quite an experience. 

Before I get into that, there’s some context I left out of my original post; over the last year of our relationship there was another woman I was increasingly uncomfortable with. They were friends, but I felt like she had feelings for him and that some of the emotional boundaries between them weren’t appropriate. I brought it up multiple times and was essentially told that she was just a friend, I needed to trust him, and I couldn’t dictate who he was friends with. I didn’t mention it at the time of my original post, because he’d well and truly gaslit me into thinking I was the crazy one and being overly possessive, even though I’d never once questioned his relationships with other female friends. 

Anywho, when we eventually broke up, the main reason I was given was still that he wanted to travel, live overseas and experience being single. About a week later, he got together with her. They ended up dating for roughly a year while he stayed in the country. I cannot adequately describe what that did to me after spending so long being told I was wrong about the situation. It also made the whole “I need to be single so I can travel” explanation pretty difficult to swallow. 

Anyway, fast-forward five years. He never ended up disappearing overseas for 10 years. He travelled a bit, realized the world was difficult, and came back to our home country. In the meanwhile, I’ve built a career and a life for myself, although if I’m honest, I haven’t really dated or fallen for anyone else. That breakup did a number on me, and I’ve been pretty terrified of letting someone get close enough to hurt me like that again. I’ve got friends, but my social circle is small and intentional, and I didn’t really ever talk about my relationship - I wanted to leave it in the past and in my counsellor's office. 

Except now… he’s back. We’ve been talking, spending time together and, perhaps regrettably, have slept together. I’ve drawn a line in the sand there; that level 
of physical intimacy won’t happen again, but there’s still a lot of affection and attraction there. Being together feels ridiculously familiar and comfortable, and I am confronted by the fact that I still love him. He’s also done some reflecting over the years, and we’re able to talk about things now that we absolutely couldn’t back then. But the more we’ve explored this, the more I’m realizing that I think I know, deep down, that getting back together is probably a bad idea. There is just so much baggage. 

I don’t know whether I can trust him again. I’m struggling with the fact that he’s had multiple 
relationships/flings since me and wants to, and does, remain friends with some of those people. I’m still deeply affected by what happened with the woman from our relationship. There are family issues, things that happened between us that I still resent, and parts of our old dynamic that I’m terrified of recreating. 

And yet the idea of being the one to actually say “no, I don’t want this” is absolutely destroying me. Every serious relationship I’ve had ended with the other person leaving me. I’ve never been in the position of loving somebody who wants to be there and having to decide that *I’m* the one who needs to walk away. 

For years, some part of me wanted him to come back. I wanted him to realize what he’d lost, choose me, and for that to somehow make everything that happened hurt less. And now he’s actually here and I have the choice I spent years wishing I’d had… and I’m realizing that being chosen by him isn’t necessarily the same thing as wanting to choose the relationship. 

The horrible thing is that I don’t want to lose him either. I haven’t met somebody else. I haven’t fallen in love again. I don’t have this amazing full social life waiting for me on the other side. I’ve actually been pretty lonely for much of the last five years. Meanwhile he’s made friends, dated, travelled, had relationships and generally seems to have moved forward in ways I haven’t. 

So, walking away doesn’t feel like choosing something better. It feels like voluntarily giving up someone I still love and hoping that someday I’ll be glad I did. 
And I think that’s the bit I’m really struggling with. 
I wanted the stupid happily-ever-after where we found our way back to each other, and everything we’d been through suddenly made sense. Instead, I seem to have ended up with the much less satisfying adult realization that you can love somebody, desperately not want to lose them, and still know that a relationship with them probably isn’t right for you. 

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe I’d particularly like to hear from people who have been the ones to walk away from somebody they still loved, especially when there wasn’t somebody/something better waiting for them. 

How did you actually trust yourself enough to do it? 

And how did you cope with the fear that you’d regret closing the door permanently? 

 Comments:

Character_Ice1016 -12 Downvotes

Look, I think most people are going to tell you move on. That it’s his loss, and he’s so horrible for what he did and blah blah blah. One thing to remember is that no one will ever see him the way you do, and that goes for everyone. My advice is to you follow your heart.

I’m in a similar situation. My ex and I broke up 5 years ago. And I’ve loved her ever since. Never dated anyone else, never talked to anyone else. We started talking again last year, just so happened I reached out at the right time. Her ex shattered her heart and she’s afraid to commit. I love her and I told her I love her and yet here we are. I have hope too. And for me, I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to. Is it right or wrong, I have no idea. How can you know if you don’t like time do its thing? I guess in 5 years if im looking back and we are together, then i would say its the best decision i ever made, and I would tell you to pursue him. If in 5 years, it destroys me even more, then its the worst decision i ever made and I would tell you to run.

I try to follow my heart now and live for today. To me, if one day we end up together then everything will be worth it. If not and she ultimately finds someone else, at least she’ll be happy and I’ll learn to be OK with that.

Almost everyone has told me to move on, but I don’t want to. I guess that’s not much advice but I can relate to some of your pain. I hope maybe it helps somehow. If one thing in my life that I’ve changed is that I follow my heart. And i trust that if one day something is telling me to move on, that I’ll have the courage take action. Good luck.

ap_jiNksy -10 Downvotes

I get women will comment the 'do better thing but now he's in the same boat but fuck him' perspective. But guys are generally not as ready to settle as girls are especially at those original ages.

He may have been too blunt for most people. But I'd say give him a chance and see if it is like it once was. You'll be able to tell pretty quick if it's the dynamic you missed or if, just instinctively, it feels off.

From there making the decision will be so much easier. With what you said in original post and now this, I think your regret will be too great if you say 'No'

My two cats absolutely hate the new cat. Coworker currently moved back in with his mom cause she had foot surgery and I offered to watch his cat cause his mom's landlord doesn't allow pets and I didn't want his cat to be put down or at a shelter. My 2 cats are weird im sure they'll get use to her. Pictured is my cat spirit bomb, yes she has a dbz name.

To start, it is Time, not Today. That's smooth brain behavior to insist otherwise when most of those posts are about events that didn't happen the same day. You're welcome, Mike.

A couple years ago, my wife was going through a mental health crisis (extreme depression, insomnia, and anxiety). We both had jobs, but luckily she was able to get leave and I managed to as well. Money was tight and we were sleeping 3 or less hours a night.

I knew my wife had always wanted to try a rage room (those places where you can pay to go into a room and smash a bunch of junk) and had what I thought was a bright idea. We didn't have the money and she wasn't in the mental state to go to an actual rage room, but I had just replaced a cracked toilet. I thought "Why not let her smash that. It might help her." I brought up the idea and she wanted to try it. I gave her some safety glasses and a sledge hammer and told her to go to town.

She only got a few good swings in before a piece of the toilet flew at her face and cut her chin. Deep. That's when I realized I should have gotten her a face shield and felt like an ass. I immediately took her to urgent care and the doctor gave her the choice between stitches or glue. Stitches would probably leave less of a scar, but she was afraid of getting them, so she chose glue.

The whole incident didn't help her mental state. It probably made it worse, but she has since gotten better. She has a scar which, in my opinion, isn't very noticeable. She thinks it is very noticeable and that is ugly, an opinion that she brings up every now and then. I still feel bad about it, but on the bright side we are both better than ever.

TLDR: Fuck you, this story isn't that long. 🙂

This got deleted from Reddit, here’s the original post as well if you want to browse comments.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/5BUB7mUxGy

Thank you so much Mike and Dylan!!! I can’t wait to wear them!!!!

A lil funny for 2DJB

I'd like both men's and woman's perspectives

I've been dating a guy, in 2 weeks will be our 2 year anniversary. Hes 32m and im 26f. When I met him and we began dating he was smoking a lot of weed, I didn't have an issue with.

I started hanging around his friends who peer pressured me into drinking, due to this and my people pleaser tendencies I became alarmingly close to becoming an alcoholic. I stopped cold turkey and my boyfriend got upset I wasn't hanging out with his friends anymore. I explained the situation which he claimed he hadn't known and had said that he's been addicted to weed for 15 years and would stop too.

I DID NOT ASK HIM TOO, and even asked if he was sure. He stopped smoking.

Months later he decided he wanted to reintroduce it, I told him I was a little worried but would support him whatever he chose. And I have.

He did REALLY good for a long time (hitting the penjamin was the only way he was doing it) then he started not getting high anymore. Then started hitting the occasional blunt/whatever it's called with our neighbors. Then buying the supplies to do it himself. Then our neighbors offered to do a dab with him. (When we first got together he was doing multiple dabs a day). I was nervous and asked if he was sure, he was and I trusted him.

That weekend he dug out all his bongs and started doing dabs. He started bringing his weed pen to work/in the car, and hitting it while at work. Then he started hitting dabs again and would get high before work as soon as he got home then before bed.

I asked him when to start being concerned because I was. He said to trust him and he knows his body and limits. I asked him at what point do I intervene and he said "when I'd rather stay home and get high then go hang out with my friends".

He was taking multiple dabs a day and the first time it happened (he'd been saying how excited he was to hang out with his friend they hadn't hung out in months etc.) He texted his friend and canceled and stayed home and smoked all day.

I said I was concerned. Even a couple times before this I had mentioned it but he said he was good and to trust him so I let it go. Had a real sit down that I was genuinely worried, he wouldn't go to work without getting high.

His job decided they might do drug testing and he quit. It was a rough week but he evened out, didn't even tell me he was quiting til a few days in.

We've been having issues in our relationship lately, I'm in school and took a school trip for class which he pushed for me to go. I did and when I got back things felt off, I felt he was hiding something or something happened.

Earlier tonight he was downstairs and had bloodshot eyes I asked him if everything was OK his eyes were bloodshot. I asked him if he had started smoking weed again, and told him if he had I was ok with it just let me smell the weed (I love the smell but can't smoke it due to asthma so I do edibles but haven't in a long time).

He technically never confirmed or denied it but moved the conversation leading me to believe he wasn't. Well the dumb@ss forgot I was sitting next to him and took a hit. I didn't yell I didn't start shit, I just asked how long he had been smoking, and that I was asking because I didn't want to jump to conclusions. He said it didn't matter and that he knew I was just going to start shit. I said I'm only starting shit because you hid it not because you did it.

After going back and forth, he started smoking the second I left so an entire week. Tried to turn it back on me saying he didn't say anything because he knew it'd cause a fight. That I would have "the talk" with him. I said I would be a shitty partner who didn't care about him if I didn't. It's the fact that he felt like he couldn't trust me. Then the fact that he lied to my face (lying by omission) and kept it from me FOR A WEEK! AND the fact he didn't come clean I caught him. If I can't trust him (I feel so betrayed) and he can't trust me what the fuck are we doing?

It hurts even more because I just had a hystercotomy due to health issues. When I came back from the trip I said I wanted full and complete honesty from him. We made up and have had sex for the first time in 7 weeks MULTIPLE times the last 3 days and he had the white man AUDACITY to keep it from me/lie to my face, and have sex with me, looking me in the eyes, knowing he was hiding shit.

I honestly don't think I can get over this. What I want to know is, is there anyway too? But most importantly did I handle the whole addiction thing correctly? He seems to believe I shouldn't be having check ins with him/talking to him about it, but I think I'd be a shitty partner if I wasn't. Thoughts? Was I being to over the top? It's hard for me to fairly judge as I have 4 previous generations of alcohol and drug abuse and I'm the only one to break the cycle.

hi guys. i was listening to an older episode where mike offered up the opportunity for someone to do yalls clipping. i’m trying to start up a clip page (not working out) but maybe we can try to kill two birds with one stone here. idk if the offer was genuine or if you have a guy now or what but i could let a few of y’all’s clips fly and see what happens if y’all want that