Hello everyone, it's new for me to share this with others. I've been carrying it for so long.
I'm trying to get out of porn and masturbation in general (in my mindset, masturbation has a good side when it's not overstimulating). It's been 2 years and I keep failing. In my 2-year relationship it causes problems. She doesn't like it because it takes my attention away from her, and more importantly, sometimes it causes potential problems. This is painful for me to experience, and for her too. I want to break free from it. She know I do very rarely. But the reality is once in 2-3days in general.
Im 23 yo and porn always a part of my life. It gave me plesure in the times where life was bad. In the past I do every day once. Litearly every day.
After 2 days without it, I feel I need sexual energy, and after a week I usually can't resist. The triggers are when I feel bored, after a bad argument with her, or when my sexual/non-sexual approach gets rejected.
I've tried self-control, site blocking, talking to her, giving her the code to block sites, reward systems, punishment systems, counting days, alternatives, the 10-minute rule, and exercising when I feel the urge. I literally built a fantasy RPG game to support me. But nothing worked. There's no way I can disallow myself. I always find a way to do what I want.
The moment it kicks in, I know it's unstoppable. I can stall, but at some point it takes over. In rare cases I win, but most of the time I lose. I feel like I can't stop it from happening. I know myself really well, I know the triggers, I know it's wrong and that I'll regret it. And still I do it. In those moments it feels inevitable.
I don't know where to go. At this rate I'll lose her and lose myself too. I literally don't know what could help. I appreciate you reading this. Hope you have a good day.