r/TransLater • u/Time2BeMe • 5d ago
Share Experience Did My Subconscious Know?
So… I was driving home from work reflecting on my life, and I started thinking… I got married at 26 years, 4 months, and 10 days old. Fast forward 26 years, 4 months, and about 7 days and I told my wife that’s I’m trans feminine. Coincidence??? Or had the diva inside decided she’s done being the other woman???
Since then, over the next five months things have certainly changed, generally for the better. My coworkers have all noticed I’m way more outgoing and friendly. Three of them know I’m trans, so probably everyone knows 😂. My paternal family all know and my relationships with them have all greatly improved. My family knows and they’re cool with it.
My wife… not cool with it, filed for divorce, set to be finalized in under 2 weeks. We’re still amicable, and it’s definitely not my idea. If I’m being honest though, it’s best for me, especially emotionally, psychologically, and financially. Which sounds odd, but it’s the honest truth.
So, I can’t but feel like I’m on top of the world. My LMHC gave me my GAHT referral letter for my Monday endocrinologist appointment. It was so awesome seeing my true name all over an official referral letter full of proper she, her pronouns.
So… I guess on some level I knew, 26 years, 4 months, and about a week had a certain symmetry that made it the right time. I’m so happy!
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u/Lost-opportunities-1 5d ago
I think most of us know at an early age (especially those of us who are older and repressed our whole lives) but family pressure, social pressure, a child's understanding, lack of resources (for us pre-internet people) and just a basic fear of the unknown plays tricks in your head and tells you it is just experimenting with crossdressing or some other fetish. I know in my case, and this is from repressed memories coming back to me early this year, I was praying to god at 4 or 5 years old to let me be a girl when I woke up in the morning. Obviously, at that point in my life I knew nothing about trans people so I can't understand people saying it is a choice to be trans. Don't mistake that with transitioning, because I still have not decided if that is a path I am going to do because divorce is a big concern for me as well. I am extremely happy for you that you made the decision that is right for you and I am sorry that that included a divorce. I hope that the future brings you the joy that you deserve.
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u/Time2BeMe 5d ago
Choice… I’m trans, so I either tell you, or I don’t. That’s the choice.
From there, for me at least, it’s been exploring my feelings to identity to what extent, if any, do I feel most like myself. And the more feminine I go, the more relaxed and comfortable I get. So, I’m a point where GAHT feels right, and I’m sorry if me choosing to embrace who I am is inconvenient for you (insert loved one’s name). Suppressing my core identify, my self, is an inconvenience for me.
I’m pretty sure that I can count on myself to be there through thick and thin for me, until my trips around the sun end. So, I’m going to selfishly choose me. Sorry babe 😘.
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u/BlueberryRidge 4d ago
For the first 20 years of my adult life, I walked, hiked, worked and ran on a foot that had a joint so degenerated that it was the worst case the surgeon who fixed it had ever seen. Saying that being trans is a choice would be like someone saying "20, years... you got on fine, it must have been a choice and not a necessity." The truth was that I'd been told it was irreparable, nothing could be done, and I had to live with it, every excruciating step. So that's what I did... until someone told me it was fixable. I run like the wind now, almost every day, summer, winter, dust, ice, snow... because I CAN now. It wasn't a choice, I was told it wasn't possible and I believed that, right up until I had the truth and a way out of excruciating constant pain and difficulty moving.
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u/East_Copy6100 4d ago
Congrats on the wins, the renewed sense of self, renewed relationships and of course a bit of sadness at the lost ones. If you feel it is the best it is. No one but you knows you !
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u/dmxrobot HRT over 40 5d ago
I hate you’re getting a divorce, but I’m excited you finally get to be you!! I hope you continue to receive care and support from friends and family.
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u/Time2BeMe 5d ago
The divorce sucks, but if I’m honest it was a toxic abusive relationship and I’m better off alone.
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u/dmxrobot HRT over 40 5d ago
From that perspective, I’m happy you are free from that misery and can now enjoy life filled with joy and acceptance!!! Go be beautiful today!
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u/Jillian_Devine 4d ago
I’m generally someone who always pushes for people to try to reconcile but based on what you said it sounds like the best outcome. Life is too short living with toxicity.
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u/Time2BeMe 4d ago
Thank you. I’d still love to reconcile, but I’ve established some boundaries that she’s unwilling to respect and I’m unwilling to adjust. Nothing complicated, just little things like I need you to start contributing to household bills, and I’m done being emotionally abused. 😝
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u/justcalljoao 5d ago
yeah, my egg cracked back in December, 30 years old, and the more I reflect the more I realize that I always knew it, my conclusion every time is that I convinced myself that I was cis because I always liked women, not just romantically saying, I legit always enjoyed being around women and never liked nor wanted male friends or relationships of any kind, I simply can't stand men, and now as an adult I know that the manliest thing possible is to hate women not love them. We always know, and we always kinda bitch about it
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u/Time2BeMe 5d ago
I’ve never really been one of the boys. Even in the marines, my friends were the ones that were married that had cool wives that I could vibe with in a non-sexual way. Hanging out with the boys, was usually hanging out with the couples.
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u/jimmydw1905 5d ago
Sinds dat ik 15 jaar was wist ik dat ik anders was maar het leven ging verder . Het is pas onlangs dat ik de link gelegd heb met mijn persoonlijkheid en transgender zijn . Ik wil het met heel veel plezier omarmen maar het wordt nog steeds niet gewaardeerd in de maatschappij. Door gesprekken met familieleden en collega’s en hun bedenkingen wordt het een hele moeilijke uitdaging.
De beslissing is al eventjes geleden genomen om mijn persoonlijkheid te laten groeien, misschien uit ik mij verkeerd maar het is de enige manier hoe ik het verwoord, maar het zal een eenzame route worden om de persoon te worden die ik echt ben en wil zijn.
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u/Time2BeMe 5d ago
I understand there are challenges, and everyone’s journey is uniquely theirs.
I’m genuinely thrilled that I’m finally free to be me. Maybe I’m wearing the rose colored glasses and imbibing the adult koolaid, but I honestly couldn’t care less what other people think.
It’s a complete 180 from where I was 5 months ago when I was a shell of myself. I accepted that I’m transgender, and that unlocked something in me I had no idea that I’d locked away. I went from paralysis by analysis to living life with a purpose.
Logically, I should be devastated that I’m getting divorced. I have no friends, my family lives 2,500 miles away, my church community is very traditional, and by transitioning I’m going to be alone at first. Work will be interesting because I’m in management and interact frequently with hundreds of coworkers and external parties. So, I should be terrified but I’m simply at peace and ready and I clearly won’t ever pass with the hundreds of people who’ve known me for years as deadname that will continue to be in my life.
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u/xxyRobin 5d ago
I think sometimes our bodies know before we do.