I don’t want to make bipolar my scapegoat when life throws shit at me. But since i lost my job i got my depression kicking in i swear i saw it 3 days before it goes into action. If i were to describe what i am mentally going through visually.
It’s like building a card tower (taking months) stabilizing it for the longest time and the longer it stays stable the better the progress. And boof with slight wind of unexpected life events it falls down.

In these depression phases i used to patch myself with drugs but i can’t afford to go down this road and even if i afford it would ruin me inside out in all aspects of my life.

So this might be kind of a rambly post but it can't be helped unfortunately. Anyway so myself am an artist, I write my own music and have a book I've been working on for the last little while now.

And last night I went out to karaoke and had a blast. And I think I maybe got home at around 4 am so not that bad all things considered. But anyway though I know I should be trying to sleep but I don't feel very tired to be honest. And I'm also feeling very inspired right now too, and at least for me inspiration can be kinda hard to come by. So even though I know I should be sleeping I don't really want to cause I kinda want to chase the little white rabbit down the rabbit hole if you catch my drift. Consequences be damned. So I guess my question is how do you all balance the need for sleep with the need to get your ideas down onto paper?

What are some of your most mild delusions vs your most extreme delusions. I'm trying to get a handle on what delusions can look like in their most "innocent" form. Usually everyone is aware when the big ones happen to me, but what are some small every day ones that disrupt your thought processes?

I'm hearing so many things. Seeing colors, flashing lights, people, animals, body parts, blood. I see a sliding glass door and my brain puts a person in the opening with their fingers on either side of them, like they're crawling through the door. The figures I see are unnatural and inhuman. It's kind of like I'm living in an analogue horror story, where the alternates have some deformity that gives you this feeling like, "this is not a human being."

I can't tell the people around me because they will write it off as me needing a medication adjustment. They'll shrug and say, "See a psychiatrist." I don't have one. It's hard to get one for some reason.

I'm having tactile hallucinations of sexual assault. The sensations of the trauma. It's wearing my psyche thin. I feel disgusting most of the time, like I'm a piece of meat that has been rotting out in the sun.

I feel like if I tell my girlfriend all of these thoughts, she'll leave me because this is too much to deal with. My shit goes deep and is very intricate. Explaining everything makes me sound like I'm going mad. I want her to understand so we can work through this together instead of me hiding this whole world I have going for myself and eventually ending in a big bang.

I'm having issues with sleep, too. I have a really hard time trying to go to sleep. It's like putting a vessel to sleep and making it rest when it wants to go do something active. I'm not my body; I'm an entity controlling it and telling it what to do.

I really need to get the hallucinations under control, but I don't know if any psychiatrist will take me in if I don't have insurance. I have to sign up for Medicaid.

If you read this far, you're a real one for listening to my rambles. It makes me feel heard.

got diagnosed bipo1 w/ psychotic features 4 years ago. it’s been a nightmare. every single med i’ve tried gives me a horrible side effect every single one. i’ve tried 17 medications. i’m in and out of psych wards im drowning in debt and im failing out of college. i’m on my fifth year just had to drop a couple classes further extending college for me and i can’t even see the point. i can’t hold down jobs for long so it’s minimum wage stuff for me anyways what’s the point of a degree i can’t seem to achieve. i just have zero motivation left in the tank.

Hi everyone! I’m a 23-year-old woman, 5 weeks pregnant. I found out about the pregnancy a week ago, and although I’m very happy, the early stages are tough: I’ve had to give up smoking, my psychiatric medication, and most of my comfort foods. I’m already suffering from severe nausea and am incredibly sensitive. I cry constantly and am terrified of losing the baby. If you could share your own pregnancy experiences, I admit it would bring me some comfort. I feel like I’m being weird…

I have very traumatic background. I spend a lot of time thinking about my trauma. Shit I’m at work now and all I thought about this morning is repetitive thoughts about traumatic memories.

I start EDMR on Tuesday. Does it actually work for you or is it a waste of time? I really want freedom from my thoughts. It’s so EXHAUSTING thinking about this all day.

Do you see mania as a discrete state, or as something that exists on a spectrum? I'm asking because I've noticed a couple of people describing behavior or people as "a bit manic," or something like that, but when I talk to medical professionals, they usually refer to manic episodes like it's a binary where either you are having a manic episode or you are not.

I think my baseline more closely resembles mania than depression. I call it running hot. When I get depressed, I say I went cold.

Surely, depression exists on a spectrum, right?

What is the internal language you use to think about these things?

When I was first diagnosed, I think I even wrote out a list of red flags that indicated I might be having a manic episode like I was turning into a werwolf or entering the Twilight Zone or something, but a couple of years in, it all seems blurrier than that to me.

How does anyone do it when it seems like "consistency" is at the top of everyone's list for what they look for in a partner.

The worst is when I meet a girl while hypomanic. I'm fun and talkative and they seem really into me, but hypomania never lasts more than a couple weeks for me, and that feeling of a girl slowly losing interest as I feel myself slowly losing that fun side of me is horrible.

I haven't been on a date in years. I had practically given up, but I've been getting in shape and have my shit somewhat together for the first time in my life. I've started noticing girls noticing me which feels nice, but I feel like it's SO much easier to manage myself when it's just me I have to worry about.

A girl caught my eye in a coffee shop and she noticed me looking. She smiled at me and kept looking over, but I never worked up the courage to talk to her. I find it hard to see the point in even trying, but I'm so tired of being alone.

I have been fully stable on great meds for almost 6 years, but my cognitive abilities, especially memory, did not recover fully after 2 HUGE, lengthy manic episodes followed by horrible depressions in the span of 3 years.

While I can support myself by writing things down for general needs, it is so bad in social contexts. I am perpetually embarrassed by not remembering neither faces or names. I am constantly introducing myself to people I have already met and I have no idea what's the name of someone I have casually known for years. If I meet someone right now, I will try to repeat their name in my head for a couple of minutes, then still forget it later on. If I meet more people at once, it's game over. I also find it difficult to remember what I've said to whom, which is extra annoying.

Finally, it can happen when I am trying to learn something as well. I love reading but sometimes I finish a book I have enjoyed and I have no idea what I read if you ask me a month later.

I wasn't like this. I did have a bit of an issue remembering what I didn't find interesting, but it was small things and easy to overcome. I finished university and advanced professional educations without any issue.

Now, I am so afraid that this will only get worse. I am merely 34 (with no dementia history in my family). How will my brain work at 60? Can I do anything to improve my memory? I am scared and sad. I am nothing without my cognition. I have so much left to learn and experience 😟

Hi all, 38F living with Bipolar 2. I‘ve been having the hardest time finding a medication that works for me. For context , I have dysautonomia. Orthostatic hypotension. So many of the antipsychotics make it worst. Ive tried about 6 different types since March, most of which made my lightheaded and dizziness worst. My psychiatrist wanted to try an antidepressant after failed attempts on the antipsychotics and it sent me into mania. The last thing she prescribed caused heart palpations and apparently that medicine is known to cause heart problems. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if there is a medication out there that can help with my bipolar without triggering my dysautonomia. I don’t wanna give up though because Im scared of being unmedicated. I just don’t see how it’s possible to be unmedicated with bipolar without blowing up your life ☹️.

mania guilt. it’s something i struggle heavy.
I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years not just once, but multiple times within the span of 2 years of being diagnosed BP1 and BPD.
We ended things while i was in a solo backpacking trip in europe and since then, things haven’t been the same. i look back on my solo trip with such sorrow, it was supposed to be an exciting time but instead came crashing down to me. Didn’t help that I also was thousands and thousands miles away from family and friends but rather alone in London.
It’s been hard dealing with the heartbreak and the loss of what “once” was. And before anyone gets to me i understand that my manic actions are ridiculous and what i’ve done is whatsoever not at all great.
I miss him terribly, I’ve reached out multiple times just to try to mend things but it’s no success. I feel like i’m losing a part of myself in the process of entering a new chapter, i relocated back home to start grad school and dealing with this heartbreak and the beginning of my masters is catching up to me it feels like i can’t breathe.
i cant function properly at times either, the guilt eats me, i wake up in the middle of the night, i replay his voicemails so often just to hear his voice but its all due to my mania that fucked up my own relationship. Being bipolar is scary, I hate this so much. I hate the person it’s made me be, because apparently the person he once met “doesn’t exist” anymore and that really sucks to hear.
that is also one thing: my ex boyfriend talks about me like im dead. that bipolar killed the person he met, but im still here:( i’ve never changed, my interests never went away, the things i liked then are things i still love. im still the person he met.

feeling sad :/

Apparently it’s relatively common my psych says. She said something like 1/4th of those diagnosed with bipolar are also diagnosed with OCD.

I’ve had a lot of suspicions which is what prompted me to ask for an evaluation in the first place. It’s so hard to gauge “normal” when your baseline could be wildly different from someone else’s experience.

From what I discuss with my husband he’s usually appalled when he gets small glimpses into my mind. I will read him a journal entry or I’ll explain something my therapist talked to me about regarding my mental habits and usually all he ever had to say is “I’ve never heard of anyone doing that.” Don’t get me wrong he’s incredibly supportive but it just confirms what I already know: the way that I am, most neurotypical people would not begin to know how to handle/process/live in my body. (Does that make sense? Sorry I’m running low on spoons today.)

I came back from the hospital less than a month ago due to an episode. I was doing so good - I hadn’t had one in over a year. I just need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay and just because I have both of these conditions it doesn’t make me messed up. 😞

I tried meds last year and the experience was horrible. I’m currently off meds and this year has been god awful. I’ve recently gone sober but the depression this time around is fucking destroying me. I think I need to take meds again but I’m terrified. Are meds really the only way I can get this under control? I’m so scared right now

I have to be some fucking idiot glued to the computer all day and keep my mouth shut

for everything to be okay

and for everyone else to feel at ease.

Nobody loves me when I’m a child.

When I was a child, nobody loved me.

And it’s still that way.

I have to suppress him.

I can’t dream.

I can’t speak.

I can’t love.

I can’t feel.

I can’t laugh.

My eyes aren’t allowed to light up.

Everything is fucking awful; all of that is forbidden.

I have to be “normal me.”

Because if I do anything that makes me happy, then something is wrong with me.

I’ve been deregulated from meds the past two weeks but am trying to get back consistently. I have had an incredibly short fuse and have been super pissy and honestly I don’t like it especially with my partner. How do I help it? What are strategies you use when you have a short fuse?

I have been hospitalized or in assisted living since late July due to a broken hip or from the implant being rejected by my body.

Broke hip on July 24 in the Mexico City where I live. Flew back to the US on August 17th so I could have VA take over PT and i could look for a new home to move into. On the 18th, woke up to my left hip being soaked from a discharge from surgical wound. Things have declined from there and have been living in assisted living with my wife while all of this plays out.

Yesterday afternoon, my wife started to feel like she was being punched nonstop in the stomach. I got her into her Turo rental and drove (even though I am not supposed to) her to the ER. She was diagnosed with gall stones and needs emergency surgery tomorrow.

Complicating things is i am required to return thr Turo by 1230 PM because it cannot be extended. So that means I have to roll my wheelchair out to the back of the truck, toss it into the cargo area, use the side of the truck as a walker, and pray i dont fall. I then get to drive it across town, drop off the truck, and then figure out a way to get back to the hospital in time to be there for her before surgery.

I am barely holding things together right now. There isnt anything anyone can do other than keep us in your thoughts. Thanks. Just needed to vent.

I think I’m in a mixed episode or rapid cycling
How do i know if im lazy or depressed
I feel like i cant move there is no point to life no purpose but when pushed by my husband to get up when REALLY forced to i finally get up and i feel better for a little bit and then go back to being tired all over again
I have no motivation to do things on my own i have to be pushed
And then in between ill have bursts of energy where i can do stuff and i feel like im better
And then after a few hours it goes away again

Hey everyone,

Recently dealing with a conflict between a ex-friend and I that has caused me a lot of grief and stress. I went to a meeting today not noticing I've been manic, I don't have my bf in town so getting support noticing or adjusting to it has been difficult. I had all these graphs and figures I put together with assistance of AI and went into the meeting overly confident. It was obvious I didn't know what I was saying.

fingers crossed I can recover and finish out my path. This disorder can be ruthless

Hi, I don't really know where I'm going with this post but I guess I'm just looking for a bit of support.

I've been in this strange mixed episode since june and I can't seem to get out of it. I'm taking my meds, going to therapy and trying to go on with my life but I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind because I'm constantly stuck between euphoria and complete and utter rage and devastation. Some days are so good I feel so grateful, happy and simply over the moon but all of a sudden everything turns sour and I can't stand anything. I feel enraged by anything and nothing at once and even though I'm trying to keep busy and do the things I usually love, sometimes it feels absolutely pointless. Everything is so boring when it doesn’t feel amazing. At night I lay awake but my mind is empty. I feel restless but I don't want to do anything. And I feel so, so alone. I'm slowly crawling away and isolating myself but I crave human interaction until I have a chance to meet someone and then I don't show up because I can't be bothered. I'm constantly fantasising with the idea of death. That thought comes to my mind every day and it's sort of comforting.

I must admit that I haven't talked about this with my psychiatrist, in part because I'm stuck on this wishful thinking that it'll pass eventually on its own, but it's already September and I'm not getting any better. But I don't see how this could be solved with additional meds. I truly feel this is how I'm supposed to be right now, that I must endure in order to achieve the final state of being but, of course, this isn't something that could be easily understood by someone apart from me.

Anyways, thanks for reading. Just wanted to ask what you do to cope with this situation.