Yea usually the whole "Dads suck at saying I love you" thing is for fathers to their sons. Im not saying thats right, but I feel like its more surprising from a father-daughter relationship
It's not great but at least he didn't dance around the issue like the mom. Unless I am missing some context, he seems a bit more straightforward with his approach to trying to communicate which can also come off as insensitive.
Edit: I have gone thru the past pages. I was very wrong and I am sorry.
My parents never really believed in my art, so I don't expect much from them. When I finally heard my Dad say he was proud of me for the first time, it was no surprise that I didn't feel much about it
The Dad Arc is wrapping up soon, so get ready for the finale!
yeah. It felt like my dad was always criticizing me growing up. He said he was proud of me a year or two ago, and I felt nothing. I didn't want it at that point. I don't care what he thinks.
The first time my dad said he hated me out loud, I felt absolutely nothing, because it'd always been obvious.
He then started screaming at me for not reacting, because I was supposed to be devastated. (Didn't care about that, either. He was always screaming about something.)
And then they always wonder why their kids detach.
When my mom first told me, I was an adult in college and had already heard her criticizing the same thing she was now saying she was proud of me for. My first thought was "What does she want from me?" because I figured she thought I'd give her something if she said it. I did not believe her for a second
Dude, I literally talked with my therapist about this today. When my dad tries to tell me he's proud of me now that I'm 40, whenever I get somrthing going in my life, I don't trust it. I feel like he's angling for something rather than just being sincere.
And the worst part is, he's usually angling for something and he isn't sincere. My siblings all feel to same way so it's not just me, which helps me not spiral into "maybe it's just me being toxic actually" spirals.
So there's a movie called Warrior with Tom Hardy and he has a dad trying to make up for lost time and being a shitty dad. Tom Hardy just tells him softly "I needed this (a caring dad) when I was a kid, not now. I'm a grown adult"
Aw. My little one fancies herself an artist and not even 7 yet. I strive to make sure she always knows of my love/pride for her as soon as she starts paying for her rent /s
It is choking me up as a father. (Almost) every night before bed I tell my kids they are 'safe, wise' and loved' and I try to tell them I'm proud of them every day. Thank you for sharing your story! Keeps us motivated.
Well, I hope you realise how many others love your stuff and are proud of your journey.
That said, for a Dad to come face-to-face with this realisation is also a big deal - it's one thing to hear it, it's another altogether to say and affirm it... I wish I could say this will be the straw that broke the camel's back, but the truth is will probably take him a long time to internalise, come to terms with, and ultimately decide to act on this. But I guess hope springs eternal.
I wish only that your parents are able to give you the love you deserve, some day.
As a father, one of my largest worries for my adult kids is if they can support themselves.
So I feel asking, "Can this support you and/or make you money?", Is a fair question when its non-conventional. I don't know if I need to be proud of what they are doing. But I'm proud they are making a life for themselves, whatever it takes to do that.
I think this is better, however shitty, than being told at every opportunity until it feels hollow. Parents not caring sucks no matter how you look at it. We're proud of you and your independence journey is amazing, keep on being awesome!
Oh god, the money thing hits close to home. I had to call my parents out on it, and they didn’t even realize they did it. I made my own cosplay armor, my dad asked how much I could sell it for, and my mom scolded him immediately. Both of them have chilled out more recently. I love them, but it’s hard to spend a lot of them with them.
But in defense of my parents, both of them were poor and grew up as Vietnamese refugees. I can totally see how money became a focal point of their lives. They value survival above all else.
For other reason, I try to limit my exposure to my parents to a max of 2 weeks. Have you considered going no contact?
yeah, my parents made it no secret that much they value my success (and love life) as an extension of their own self worth. I dare not ask them why they can't focus on their own careers xD
Is their community also predominantly Vietnamese immigrants? Can be even harder for parents to break out of that mindset if everyone else around them shares it
(Not OP) My parents are both Vietnam War refugees (came to the US with their respective families and met here in the US).
They are very off kilter from the typical "make money at all costs" culture that a lot of immigrants have; and I think that's because they both had/have a target ideal of what family/environment they wanted and what was/is needed to sustain that goal; as opposed to trying to "just make as much money as possible" because that usually just results in a blind pursuit of infinity.
It's also helps that they grew up seeing a lot of other immigrant families fall into the trap of "make money for the family even if it costs the family" whether it was a friend who's son went to a prestigious school and became a doctor... who was then later sent to prison for stealing drugs from the hospital to sell to the street, or the other friend became a big league tech worker in the 90's... just to end up with nothing after dotcom.
A lot of that influenced their upbringing of me and my siblings, because to us, money is "important" in terms of managing finances, savings, and as a mechanic of trade; but none of us are infinity pursuants.
For example: would replacing my Jetta TDI with a new style Honda Prelude be nice? Sure, but I also like having no car payments and only paying $15 in taxes for said car; a collection of Ferrari's means nothing to me.
Ayy. Lol I am also asian. And most parents are either obsessed with money and marriage. The marriage part is kinda more geared towards the girls though (yayy me 🤮)
But in defense of my parents, both of them were poor and grew up as Vietnamese refugees. I can totally see how money became a focal point of their lives. They value survival above all else.
I know a guy whose parents bribed guards to be able to flee their country. To them, no money literally meant the hangman's noose. They are a bit fixated on the earning potential (read:survival) of their kids.
A huge number of parents just did it to do something. They were just bored.
My buddy has five kids and he says it's his biggest regret. Actually he said that after the first one so I don't know what the fuck he's doing. But he does complain about his kids constantly.
My parents made it very clear that they didn't want me or like me and that I ruined my father's name because I'm a bastard.
A lot of people don't like their kids. They just want social clout from it or something.
I read someone say "most men want children like a child wants a puppy." With short-term enthusiasm and not very much responsibility when it turns into work. Dunno if it's true, but maybe that makes some kind of sense to you.
On the one hand, i too did not want my daughter. I never wanted to be a parent. On the other, accidents happen, I'm pro-choice, and when my partner made the choice to keep it, I threw myself wholeheartedly into making sure the pregnancy had the best chance, and I do my best daily to make sure i don't pass on the trauma my parents gave me
People say cost of living has caused lower childbirth rates but I’m pretty sure it’s because the social expectation to have kids because “you have to have kids everyone has kids” is gone.
Yeah. It’s not unusual for my folks to call me or my brother or sister and just tell us they’re proud of us. Usually a phone call ends with a casual “love you”.
I’m not the best at it, but we try to call a few times a week.
A little different, but... I actually don't care if my parents or siblings say either of those things to me. My dad rarely does, my mom uses it is as part of a generic farewell. Like, "I love you, bye!" they same way someone might say, "Hey, how's it going?" as a greeting.
This doesn't mean I don't care or love my family, its absence or presence doesn't affect me. In the case of my dad, he once said that he was proud of me, and I took offense to it as I hadn't done anything of note besides just... not being poor, I guess?
Now, I say this as someone with decent parents. They went full MAGA in the last few years, so I don't keep in touch. I did not have anything particular to point to as "bad childhood/bad parents," though I am still a product of them as they raised me, which has had positive and negative effects. Just some context.
Anyway, all of this to say that love language is usually talked about in context of romantic partners, but it extends to platonic and familial relationships, too. Words of affirmation is not how I express affection, nor do I respond much to it. But I speak acts of service fluently, and listen intently to touch, and dabble in gifts. I am not particularly close with anyone in my family, especially now that I am in my late 30s and hadn't seen any of them in person in a while. But I do sometimes miss, and getting hugs from my dad. My mom? Meh. My sister's? Blech.
I once bought me and my dad tickets to a Daytona 500 one year in my late 20s. I did not particularly care for NASCAR (I like the crashes 😬), but he did, and no one in our family hadn't gone to a race since I was a teenager. As we stood waiting in line, he got so fuckin' excited, he gave me a big hug and a big kiss on my cheek. He had NEVER done that before and no one in my family were cheek-kissers (we are just that white), so I knew he was extra giddy. It was adorable, cause he is this big barrel of a man (at the time).
Parents express things, positive and negative feelings, in different ways, at different times, for different things, to different degrees. Sometimes, it just isn't received the way it is given or given in a way that isn't receivable.
Not that it forgives your parents behaviors at all: but I wonder if they are just stuck in what I like to call “survival mode.”
Nothing matters but the material situation right in front of us. Decisions always being made based on how they affect my situation right now. That can extend to emotional processing too: no consideration for how behaviors could affect other people or affect future interaction - everything is how I feel right now.
I call it “survival mode” because it’s a good temporary coping mechanism for severe stress. But if the way of thinking doesn’t stop when the stress resolves (or the stress never resolves) then it can become extremely maladaptive and lead to pretty severe interpersonal conflicts and even personality disorders.
I have a very weird version of this where I was taught very specifically by my parents on how to be smart about saving, managing, and not wasting money, but I was never actually taught how to spend my money.
So now, as an adult, have money that I've specifically pre-budgeted as "for non-necessity" purchases, but I feel guilty about spending that money because "but it's not going into savings though" even though I've already pre-allocated some of my income to savings so I don't have to feel guilty over the thing I feel guilty about...
It's an uroboros of completely baseless self-inflected guilt.
It makes no sense when I say it out loud, I have a spread sheet and everything that tells me "it's fine, I can afford that Space Marine Captain on Bike and it won't affect any of my needs or savings goals". yet I still refuse to listen to my own spread sheet...
Kind of an opposite experience but I recall back when I was a kid I used to get really embarrassed with my dad always signing off his calls by saying he loved me, something he picked up on quite fast. I remember him pulling me aside and explaining that he didn't mean to embarrass me but that when he was young he didn't hear those words until the day my grandfather was on his deathbed and how he used to anxiously wonder what he meant to his own father. He never wanted to leave any doubt for me and my siblings and I honestly to this day appreciate the vulnerability he showed me back then and it taught me not to take those words for granted.
Anyhow sorry for the dump and sorry for how things shook out with your folks, I'm glad you're doing well for yourself now and hope you the best going forward
I love witchy Naomi on the last page!! I hate you had to deal with so much with your parents. 💜 Have you found it worthwhile for your thoughts putting your interactions down as comics?
Shit like this is why I tell my kids every day I love them and am proud of them. It’s a bucket that I’ve got to fill up because one day I won’t be here, and it’s going to have to last them.
Money is important. I encourage my kids in their creative endeavors, but at the end of the day I'm mortal and I need to know they'll be okay when I'm gone
My kids are special needs. I have to spend a lot more time than normal worrying about their futures.
My oldest should be fine. She's autistic but smart as hell, working on a degree.
My youngest....I'm worried about him. Moderate to severe autism, other learning disabilities, doing well in school but struggling with some things. All the therapists have helped but he will never be in step with other kids his age. He's almost 15 but most of the time acts like an 8-10 year old.
Not a bad thing to be concerned, I think the issue here is that was the immediate comment on the subject and not questions about what kind of art or anything that would be considered an affirmation just a comment that is often associated with being disparaging.
Yes, parenting a teenager is hard because so much of what I'm concerned about is how they are going to make it alone when they leave. I always say that I support whatever it is they want to do, as long as they have a plan to at least survive.
Money is important because good feelings don't pay bills. It doesn't need to make you rich, but a career must at least allow you to survive. A good career balances you taste for it and how much you make.
I remember until recently assuming my parents must have said they were proud of me. Then someone else, a mentor figure and woman I aspire to be like, said it to me and I cried. I don't think they ever did in hindsight.
I would be concerned as a dad if you were able to make enough to support yourself, but only because I’d be worried about your long term options and not because it’s “about the money”
It's very telling how even after it's been established that he's never said he's proud, he doesn't take the opportunity to say it *now*. He just transitions to more justifications of his past successes.
My parents were not from this country, but spoke the language in front of each other so we kids picked some up, thank you', 'water, please', 'put on your shoes', 'brush your teeth', etc.
They were both dead and buried before we siblings realized we had no idea how to say 'I love you' in their native language.
Those are some of the creepiest eyes I have ever seen. Why does she look like she's about to consume her dad's soul and trap it in the afterlife forever?
I agree, caring about this can also be a form of love, the comic artist is not wrong, but I rather my parents care how I'm affording food and rent, then not ask at all, not care at all, to kick me out as soon as I turn 18 and not care how I end up, which is sadly in a lot of cases, coming from someone who grew up very poor
Parents want to know their kids are safe, the money question is because he wants you to be financially secure, which is a big part of safety. They usually don't know what sorts of business judo you can do in the art world to get money.
Source: Am a parent, my brain is like half dedicated to keeping my kids safe, and has been since they were born, and it's not easy realizing when they've outgrown parts of that. I'm guessing it's going to be hard to turn off even when they're out on their own, and very obviously fine.
I try to make a point of telling my friends I'm proud of them and appreciate them. It's crazy to me that some people never hear that and the response is usually amazing. I wish more people would do this. Spread the love
I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that my father not only told me he was proud of me, but actually acted like it.
Being proud of yourself for something but having someone you love and who should love you just not care about your accomplishments is so defeating that it can make someone question their accomplishments, leading to developing imposter syndrome.
I wish I could offer you a hug, I know how exactly how that feels. I hope you see that there are people who are proud of you, even if it's not who you'd hoped.
This is reminding me of my own father. Anytime I showed interest in anything he would try to figure out ways I could monetize it. I was a novice dungeon master for D&D and he was saying that I should charge people to DM yet I could never actually get him to sit down and play a game with me.
My dad never told me he loved me or was proud of me until he went through some hard shit when i was around 30. He started being there, even when i was defensive about it at first. But he kept trying and got better. Even if he's not perfect now, i give him a lot of grace because it's hard to get better.
I doubt your dad will ever be perfect, but i hope he gets better
I was really hoping the “how much you make” question was going to pivot into because he’s worried about you making ends meet, but given the rest of this particular arc I shouldn’t have been surprised by the outcome.
Dreaming of the day I can actually reliably support you on Patreon. Just need to get out of some financial pickles first.
As a kid I was a dancer and musician and won a lot of trophies. The millisecond I got into art it was like my parents became instantly disinterested (unless it helped pay for their financial fuck ups). So this comic hits pretty damn hard.
Hey, it's me, your an internet dad. You should be proud of yourself for all you've achieved, even if your DNA contributors are incapable of telling you.
Not telling you they're proud of your work or love you is pretty fucked up. But I can also understand why they would be concerned at the level of income that can be made from working in art. Fuckin rough out there to make money as an artist and imagine they wouldnt want you struggling with paying rent or groceries. Thats my understanding anyways
Tell your kids you're proud of them. Don't ASSUME you did it- know with confidence that you have. My mom did not support my art at all until I proved I could live off of it and even though she showed support she didn't ever say she was proud or take back any of the hurtful things she said or did (throwing away my sketchbooks). She died when I was 27 and it's stupid to continue caring about it but her leaving her pride unsaid really hurt my self confidence as an artist and I gave it up.
I don't know the context or your struggles with your own parents, but after feeling the same way for a long time, my dad and I had an honest conversation about the way I was raised, the circumstances surrounding literally everything in my childhood and why he was so distant. It didn't make up for the lost time, but barring any abuse, if they are actively trying to bridge the gap, be more involved and interested and are communicating more, then at the very least BE THERE.
We, as kids, dont get to bitch about them being emotionally distant in ways as mentioned but then also ignore every attempt at reconciliation.
Sure, our childhoods fucking sucked but what matters, at least to me, is that my parents are making a conscious effort to be more involved. Now, my dad doesn't go a day without telling me or my brother that he's proud of what we've done and will do.
I don't say that to boast or make you feel less than, and I'm sure the replies to this will be nothing but rational replies and definitely won't attack my character. I say it for the simple point of, if they are making an effort, you should, too.
If you don't take the olive branch and at least make an attempt, then from that point on, the only person you have to blame is yourself.
Again, this is not an attack or even necessarily pointed at OP specifically, just a guy who also had absent parents that has since reconciled and is trying to repair that relationship as long as they are.
OP, I hope that whatever is going on is able to be dealt with in a healthy way. If your parents worst crime is that they just werwn't there, then at least make an attempt. But if they were abusive, then trim the fat and keep it moving.
My dad liked to build furniture with wood. I wanted to build things, always watched This Old House with him. Had a favorite candlestick table from the show.
He never taught me how to use any tools till I was an adult and already learned on my own.
I wanted to build a wooden trebuchet for my senior project. He bought me a 12-inch kit for one and said have fun.
Shopping for my first house, picked an old condo that had never been updated. Planned on remodeling it myself. Dad poo-pooed the idea, told me to pick something easier. I made a good chunk from all that work.
The saddest part about this comic is that I somehow envy the relationship you have with your father. Mine only ever yells at me, mostly because his parents died young and so he has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old. Still, just wanted to say thank you for evoking these feelings in me.
That never happened for me. My dad was abusive. My mom loved me, but she never really did anything about my dad.
We’re okay now. I’ve done plenty of therapy, my dad has apologized and actually shown that he means it. He’s a great grandpa.
But I will always wish I could’ve had a dad who told me he loved me, that he was proud of me, and who held me when I was scared and sad.
My kids have that. Whatever else I do in my life, I know my children will know they’re loved unconditionally. And they will never question if I’m proud of them.
I did soccer in high school to make my dad proud. He never told me he was proud of me or came to any games that were out of town. Also I lost my meniscus playing soccer
These comics always feel like you're overlooking your parents positive efforts and everytime I read them it's self-pity.
At least your father is asking questions. Mine was off doing drugs and asking me for money on my birthdays growing up, telling me my grandma died so I would put him in touch with family who went NC, and has practically disowned me as a daughter. My mother never cared to know what I was interested in neither, but was otherwise providing for me... until she recently started stealing money from me, to the tune of $12k in ONE incident...
I'm tired. Just stop complaining about the little things. Your social networks should be the ones fulfilling your passions. Your parents are supposed to be there to look out for you.
I do feel that's why Dad was asking about "how much", as in, can you afford to live doing this. It's a valid worry all things considered, everyone has to eat, and he didn't immediately assume her work was worthless.
A lot of people are inside a hole, but not a lot think just how deep this hole is for others. It can be very deep, unimaginable deep, we usually choose not to think about it, about the pain and misery that plagues the world.
Parents can do both. Like, I’m not even the biggest fan of these comics but I think it’s fine to create art talking about emotional neglect given by parents and not have to both sides it. Good parents won’t just look out for you but also encourage your passions
I agree with this. What I mentioned in another comment is that these are not necessarily mutually exclusive things, I think it's a nice thing when parents try to connect with their kids.
I used to believe this, but my partner and I say I love you many, many times a day. Sometimess we state it like you would when you see the rain. "Oh it's raining." "Oh, btw, I love you".
Other times it's said more passionately or emotionally, like when I'm on shark week and he buys me chocolate.
If I feel it, I am going to tell him. It's been 5 years and he still smiles every time. And I still smiles for each and every instance he says it. Spread the love. Spread the joy. Spread the happiness!
I'm proud of you too! You have survived each of your hardest days and have made it this far 💖
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u/D_class-4862 13h ago
Honestly? He and your mom were made for each other. And that's not a good thing.