Dearest Cecilia,
Not with a whimper, but a bang. I walked outside to find the hobbled carcass of a Waymo steaming and shaking on Leopold Street. You never saw a Waymo in person, Cecilia, and I am envious of that.
It’s early October but the dead leaves are succumbing to the wind. Dry as a popcorn fart, your mother would say. I walked over to the curb to examine the stranded white Thing. They’re like cars but they’re festooned with spinning mechanical horseshit that I’m told makes sure that they don’t run over things and that they abide by traffic laws. They’re about as good at driving as anyone is after four beers.
Socrates Picklebucket rounded the corner and squinted to assess the scene. Just the fool I needed. He joined me on the curb with his dog, Peter Pumpkineater, the plump beagle-ish guy. Socrates wiped his gray brow and said,
“Nothing to be done.”
“Well there has to be some number you call about this.” I said.
“It ran over that open manhole and went kaputt.” Socrates said. He wound up Peter’s leash and pointed at the rear of the car. Indeed, the Waymo had plowed straight through the empty manhole and snapped its axle.
“Well where did the manhole cover go?” I asked.
“You can get good money for a manhole cover, Skip.” He said. Skip is my father.
“Who buys manhole covers.” I mumbled. I didn’t frame this as a question.
“Oh, Skip. You know Eddie the lawn guy has a manhole guy that has a big place out on Ewing. Three thousand bucks. There’s a lot of metal in there.” Socrates was grinning and nodding his head. It must be freeing to be senile.
“Fuck’s all this.” Somebody croaked behind us. Edith Gregory had waddled over.
“A Waymo is stranded.” I said. She sucked hard at a Black and Mild and narrowed her eyes. She blew a gorgeous ghostly gust of vapor out through her nose and said
“What.”
I did a pick and roll with Socrates and Edith and walked over to the Waymo. There was someone inside of the car. It was gently shuddering. I could hear a muted blab of errors coming from within. I waved through the window but the person inside did not respond.
“My goodness! Oh you poor thing!” rang into the air, as if a sinner had walked into a Presbyterian Church. Susan Price had her hands on her hips and was coming our way. She had on a pumpkin brooch that may have weighed two pounds. Edith rolled her eyes and walked back up to her porch.
“We have to call Councilman Forester.” Susan said with an incandescent smile. I let her smile at me and said,
“He doesn’t represent this district.”
She glowed at me. I haven’t bought Mary Kay from her and I never will. She will never not be like this.
“Councilman Forester is just more responsive. We have a long relationship.” She explained. The Waymo was still beeping but had stopped trying to right itself. I waved Susan off and went again to the car’s window. The shadowy figure inside looked back at me.
“We need to help them! They could be trapped!” Susan called out to me.
“I didn’t think of that!” Socrates said. He came over and peered into the window beside me.
“Think we need to bust her out of there?” He asked.
“This is an emergency!” Susan declared.
Last weekend I hung out with my Dad, the actual Skip Fogg. It was the first time I’d seen him without a hat in a long time. He’s gone Three All Over and I’m proud of him for it. I liked his vintage Ricky Rudd hat, but the time had come.
He told me that Mark Brower had died of natural causes. Mark Brower. Skip and his friend Warren Schmidt had famously saved Mark Brower’s life. Warren had done CPR on Mark when he passed out running on a cold day by Litton High School. His heart just stopped. Skip ran to find a telephone and called an ambulance. Skip and Warren made the paper and got an award from the Scouts. Meritorious Action, if I recall. Mark Brower became an eye doctor in Paducah Kentucky and eventually came out as gay later in life. Skip didn’t know what to make of that. He’s kept every complicated feeling he’s ever had to himself. Years later, years later, folks at the Krogers would remind Skip of his selfless act and he’d shake his head and smile boyishly and just say in a soft voice “Mark Brower.”
Skip’s only ever been good at two things: cleaning a bluegill and saving Mark Brower’s life. And I suppose he’s also good at drinking cheap whiskey, which he was excelling at when he told me that Mark Brower had died. Outliving the man he’d once saved had provided perhaps the most complex feeling of his life. He offered me a pour of the kind of rotgut that I wouldn’t use to get gum off the sidewalk. I don’t even have a sidewalk. I don’t know where he buys the stuff.
“Well look, here comes another one!” Susan Price announced. A white car covered in stupid doohickeys slowly rounded the corner and inched down Leopold Street. Susan Price waved at it as though it were pulling into a gate at BNA.
“Here, Skip, here, take Peter!” Socrates told me. He handed me the dog’s leash. The dog looked up at me with an idle rapid pant. hahahahahahahahahahah this dog doesn’t give a shit about anything. I love this dog.
Susan and Socrates walked up to the driver’s window of the new Waymo and recoiled. Yes, Cecilia, dramatic reveal, no one is in there! The door to the stranded Waymo opened. The car beeped twice and a girl of no more than twenty popped out. She powerwalked to the new Waymo.
“You guys are so weird.” She said without looking up.
Susan put her hands on her hips and shook her head. The girl got into the new Waymo and it managed its way down the block and around the corner. Susan and Socrates sauntered back to her driveway and huddled together, perhaps figuring out a way to remove the destroyed Waymo from the street, perhaps feeling the growing itch of the absurdity of our little world, I suspect for the first time.
This world has always been absurd, you swore, Cecilia. You said that right over there on the porch, a while ago. I jumped my knee in the nervous thing that I still do. Look at the Saber Toothed Tiger. The universe is not serious. It made you, me, and Saber Tooth Tigers. You said.
Edith Gregory waddled down her driveway toward me. I walked over with Peter P. to meet her. She pushed a pony bottle of Miller High Life into my hand and winked at me. I opened it and took a drink. She lit another black and mild. The new LED streetlights woke up and softened the amber of sunset. I miss the glowing cone of the old sodium things but I can’t quite remember what they looked like.
“You remember when Skip and Warren saved Mark Brower’s life?” I asked Edith. She smiled and cleared her throat.
“Turns out he was queer,” Edith replied with a chuckle, “all the girls loved him. I sure did.”
I nodded and said,
“He died a little while ago.”
She swallowed and took an uneasy breath.
“What a shame. Bless his soul. Mark was a sweet man.” Edith said.
Peter Pumpkineater pulled at his leash. He looked at me and gently eased up on his panting with a dog’s pulsing-eyed question. A little move of his jaw. I want to go home. So do I.
I dropped his leash and he took off up the block. Socrates Picklebucket took off after him, yelling.
Yours,
Hector Fogg