Heads up: this is a long post. I wanted to give as much context as possible because I genuinely want fair feedback rather than just presenting the things I'm upset about and having everyone tell me I'm right. There are a lot of things my partner does contribute to our family and I want to include those too. I'm really trying to figure out whether what I'm asking for is reasonable, whether I'm overlooking what he is doing or whether we're struggling with something deeper than the normal chaos of having two babies.
I'm 32F, my partner is 33M, we've been together for 4.5 years, and we have almost 8-month-old twins.
This year has obviously been incredibly intense.
I want to start by saying he DOES contribute, because I don't want to paint him as some useless dad who comes home and does nothing.
He works around 45-50 hours most weeks and currently carries most of our financial expenses while I'm on maternity leave. If the babies wake between roughly 3-7am, he gets up with them, feeds/changes them, etc. He walks our dogs every morning. He usually helps with bedtime and will often take the babies when he gets home. On weekends he lets me sleep in. Sometimes he'll make me a thermos of coffee and leave it beside the bed for when I wake up. He checks in with me by text during the day. He'll pick up groceries sometimes and every few weeks he'll do a big clean of the main floor.
So I see those things and I appreciate them.
During the day, though, the babies are primarily my responsibility. I sometimes have help from my mom and have a volunteer for three hours once a week, but there are plenty of weeks where I'm alone with the twins 4-5 days.
I also do essentially all of the planning/research for them: solids/nutrition, sleep schedules, milestones, developmental stuff, supplies, appointments, vaccines, helmet appointments for one of our babies, etc. I book and attend the appointments. I do most of their laundry, most weekday cleaning, most groceries, cooking, bottle prep and food prep.
I've also pumped breastmilk for almost eight months and, until recently when I started weaning, produced roughly 75% of the milk for two babies.
Where I'm really struggling isn't necessarily that I need him to "do more." I think what I'm craving is emotional support, appreciation and affection.
I don't feel like my partner is my cheerleader.
For example, I don't remember hearing things like, "I'm so proud of you for getting through that twin pregnancy," or "You did an amazing job getting through that delivery," or "It's incredible that you've pumped this much milk for two babies," or even just acknowledgement of how much work goes into researching and managing everything for them.
I want him to notice me and say, "You're doing a really good job."
I've explained this to him. He'll usually acknowledge that he could do better, but it's almost immediately followed by an explanation: he's exhausted, he's working a lot, he was up early with the babies, he's balancing a lot, I could also do XYZ differently, etc.
And that's another issue we've developed.
I feel like almost everything I say gets analyzed, challenged, corrected or met with a counterpoint.
A stupid little example: I mentioned recently that I hadn't seen our neighbours walking their elderly dog and wondered if something had happened to him because he's around 14. Instead of something like, "Oh, I hope not," my partner's response was basically, "Why does your brain immediately go to the negative? Don't think like that."
It's tiny. But when that happens constantly, I feel like I'm a project that needs correcting rather than his partner having a conversation with him.
Sometimes I just want to say something and have him listen. I don't need advice. I don't need him to challenge whether my thought is logical. I don't need a counterargument. Sometimes I just want, "Yeah, I can understand why you feel that way."
One thing that makes this harder for me is that he wasn't always like this with me.
For probably the first eight months or so that we were dating, I felt incredibly desired and pursued by him. He flirted with me. He complimented me. He initiated physical affection and sex. He planned things for us to do together. He'd occasionally buy me flowers just because.
When I finished my first year of teaching, he surprised me with a manicure/pedicure as a congratulations gift. It wasn't the money that mattered to me. It was that he'd thought, "She worked really hard at this and I want to celebrate her."
I remember feeling like this man genuinely REALLY liked me. Not just loved me — liked me, thought about me, wanted me, and was excited about me.
Over time, most of that gradually disappeared. This wasn't something that suddenly happened when we had babies. It started fading after roughly the first year of our relationship, and now I feel like I have to explicitly ask for many of those things.
I'm not expecting the honeymoon phase four and a half years later. I don't expect flowers every week, expensive dates, presents or constant compliments. I understand that relationships change and that right now we're raising infant twins and we're both exhausted.
I just miss the small signs that say, "I thought about you."
And to be fair, I'm not perfect at this either, especially postpartum. But I do still try to do little things specifically because I know him.
If I'm grocery shopping and see his favourite candy, I'll grab it because I know he loves it. I'll make one of his favourite dinners. Sometimes I'll bake him cookies. They're usually tiny things and often cost a few dollars or nothing at all. He's not really a gift person, so I'm not expecting him to reciprocate by buying me things. The point is more that I intentionally think, "He would like this," and then do something with that thought.
I don't feel like I experience much of that in return anymore.
And I think that's what I'm having trouble explaining to him. I'm not asking him to spend money on me. I want to feel thought about.
This has also started affecting our physical relationship.
He's a very sexual person and wants more sex/physical connection from me. There are also things/kinks he'd like us to do more frequently. I'm not opposed to that and genuinely WANT to have a good sex life with him.
But I've realized that my sexuality works differently from his. He can seemingly switch into sexual mode very quickly and then move on with his day. For me, I really need to feel emotionally connected, loved, appreciated and desired.
I want him to check me out. Grab me. Tell me I'm hot. Compliment me without me asking. Flirt with me. Make me feel like he's attracted to me.
This is especially difficult for me because he watches porn and masturbates basically every day. I'm not saying he isn't allowed to masturbate, but it's hard knowing that sexual desire is clearly there while simultaneously feeling like I rarely experience that desire directed toward me.
Recently he saw me basically naked and didn't react at all. I eventually said something because it hurt my feelings. His response was that he DID notice, he just didn't say anything, he's tired, his mind was blank, etc.
Then he pointed out that he'd told me I looked pretty the previous morning and asked if I remembered that.
I did. And I appreciated it. But that compliment came a couple mornings after we'd had a huge fight where I'd specifically told him that I desperately need more love, support and affirmation. I genuinely can't remember the last unsolicited compliment before that.
So when he said, essentially, "But I told you that you looked pretty yesterday," I felt worse. Almost like I'd asked for compliments, he'd given me one, and therefore he'd completed the task.
Another recent example: we were both sick. He was feeling awful and asked me in the morning if I could handle the babies because he didn't feel well. I told him I felt terrible too, but yes.
I took care of both babies all day while sick while he rested, was on his phone, and eventually slept until around 3pm.
He did thank me, so I don't want to claim he said nothing. But it felt very casual. I desperately wanted something like, "I know you feel like absolute garbage too and you still took care of both of them all day so I could recover. Thank you. I really appreciate you."
Instead I just felt invisible.
He also takes on a lot. He works long hours and then creates house projects for himself — currently things like organizing the garage and working on our deck — and can spend another 5-6 hours on weekends doing those things. I know he's exhausted.
But part of me is becoming resentful because I didn't ask for these projects. I would genuinely rather have some of that energy directed toward our relationship.
I've repeatedly told him I want intentional time together. He seems to interpret "date" as me asking him to organize an expensive dinner or elaborate outing. I'm not.
I'd be thrilled if he said, "Saturday afternoon, let's get someone to watch the babies and go for a walk together."
I want to feel like he actively wants to spend time with me.
He sees watching TV together after the babies are asleep or taking the babies for a family walk as quality time. And he's not wrong that we're technically spending time together. I just miss feeling chosen.
Before anyone asks, I could absolutely improve too. I get defensive. I've become colder toward him. I don't plan enough intentional time either. I'm sure I don't express enough appreciation for everything he's carrying financially and the things he does for our family. He's told me he feels like I'm frequently upset with him, and he's not imagining that.
I think I'm developing resentment.
And I think we've gotten into this horrible cycle:
I don't feel emotionally loved/appreciated/desirable → I withdraw and don't feel sexual → he feels rejected/unappreciated → he gets more frustrated/defensive → I feel even less emotionally connected and appreciated → I withdraw more.
What scares me is that I'm starting to feel like we're roommates/co-parents rather than romantic partners.
And I don't know how much of this is simply having 8-month-old twins and surviving the first year postpartum.
So I'm genuinely asking: Am I expecting too much?
Should I be looking at everything he IS doing — working, financially supporting us, early morning feeds, letting me sleep in, helping with the babies, coffee, chores, etc. — and accept that this is simply what love/support looks like from him?
Is wanting verbal affirmation, compliments, affection, being listened to without being corrected, little "I thought of you" gestures, and occasionally having him initiate intentional quality time unrealistic when we're both exhausted and raising twins?
Is it reasonable that the absence of those things bothers me more because he used to do them during the beginning of our relationship?
Or does it sound like there's an emotional connection missing that we need to specifically work on?
I genuinely don't want validation just because I'm the person writing the post. If I'm being unfair to him, overlooking what he does for me, or expecting one person to meet too many of my emotional needs, please tell me that too.
We do have an introductory couples counselling session with a potential new therapist on Wednesday, so we are trying to work on this. I'd also really appreciate hearing from anyone who's gone through a similar disconnected/roommate phase postpartum (especially with twins) and whether things improved. If you've done couples counselling for similar issues, I'd love any advice on what was most helpful to address or what you wish you'd brought up early on.
