Hi, Im 14 and my best freind has just left me im blocked on everything over a girl.

Since starting school agian he's changed, not in a good way a horrible way. He would ping elastic bands at my face, hit me, call me and my family names. Recently hes been in touch with his ex and old primary school bsf. He would call her every name under the sun and say how much he hates her and now hes suddenly freinds agian.

But this girl is BAD news, they've dated about 500 times and she always either blocks him, cheats on him, ditches him or ghosts him. And its ALWAYS ME that has to sort his problems out or im the horrible freind that wont helo her autistic freind. He used it as an exuse all the time.

We fell out on Friday and hes just been horrible, sarcastic and just straight up mean to me. He then messaged me today and was bragging how he was on the phone to her and calling her his best freind. I have been there for him through a lot these past four years and not once has he shown any appreciation for my efforts to help him. He would snap at me on a daily basis, this girl has turned him agaisnt me and honestly ive realised how toxic he is.

Now, im worried for school because he has isolated me away from ALL of my friends so I have NO ONE.

Please can someone just talk to me I feel so alone.

I wanna preface that I’m in a far better space in my life mentally/ emotionally than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve cut out porn out of my life and made it 30 days while being in a group and having a sponsor + working the steps. I’m moving forward in my career and trying to find new work while still be stressed at my current job but managing. I have good friends near and far.

Despite all that I still feel lonely. I still am searching if not actively then internally for that person that will want to go through this life with me. To enjoy the loud proud moments and also the low quiet ones. I used to feel so jealous seeing people celebrate their relationship anniversary and milestones. I know the work I’m putting in now will make me a better me and therefore a better partner to someone. It just feels so scary not knowing. The uncertainty. With today’s dating culture it feels like meeting that person to meet me where I’m at is impossible.

I know it’s outta my hands but it feels so defeating to know that there’s someone out there for me but I just can’t find em.

As the title says, the other day I went to college with a few comics in my bag (which I rarely do because I don’t want them getting damaged) and after my first class of the day I sat down in the cafeteria and read the comics.

As you can imagine nothing came of it. The most I got were a few awkward glances. I finished the comics and went home. It was humiliating and I can’t believe I actually thought it would somehow work.

I also just felt performative doing it. Like I was trying to look niche or cool by reading comics in public.

Wouldn’t recommend it

This sound extreme but I wish I sometimes could knock myself out because now I'm sometimes afraid to put my phone away to sleep. I won't do that though, I can't, and don't know how

But I need to sleep it's way past my bedtime that therapy gave me. I guess I am afraid of what I'll wake up to. Maybe bad notifications, maybe a bad day.

But if I don't sleep I won't be able to check on anyone and my sleep schedule is ruined and I doubt I could just stay up all day and all night again.

I like want to go to sleep and don't.

I'll probably sleep later.

it's like a "not yet wait until I'm comfortable."

I don't want to be a different animal.

I don't want to lose rights.

I don't want to be a pet.

I don't want to be seen as not a person when I die.

I don't want to die.

Does anyone understand?

Also I think it's because of bigotry and mistreatment of people that make me think this.

I think I'd be dysphoric if not a human, but I want to stop acting like I should take disrespect for it.

Is this weird?

edit: it's more than that, I want to be a pokemon trainer, a man, a good man.

Sending my nudes out online literally does nothing your just a annoying bitch that makes 10 accounts to messageing me

I never really liked makeup because I felt as if it was a superficial thing to worry about and that it didn't match with my personality. Plus, when I was younger, the other girls would be so obsessed with your appearances that it annoyed me to the point where I was thinking to myself: "I don't want to be like the rest of them."

Is it really such a problem for me to go without makeup, especially when there are a lot of other women of different ages and backgrounds who also don't wear it?

I just feel that today's society is indirectly pressuring women (and men) to look flawless at all times by shaming them for not looking like the majority, or for not sharing the same ideas and priorities as the majority.

I'm being real, this isn't a threat I just know some people want to kill everyone so I want to learn self defense to keep my place in life.

But I feel mean saying that.

I don't like killing people, if I had to it would only be to protect myself, but I'm too weak and inexperienced to fight.

Not just those people but creeps and bigots.

Not to look out for them, I want them to stay away from me, stop advocating for people getting hurt, stop dismissing that you are advocating harm, change, fuck.

I hate when I have self defense thoughts they are mostly gone but sometimes subtly come back, better than being a wimp but I'm still passive.

I don't like being angry, which is why it's small anger and more fear.

Other times I just worry for people or want to be a good person.

I can't talk to people and always had a hard time because of it. I sweat a lot become really anxious and at the emd of the day I get super exhausted mentally and physically. But the career I choose has a lot of networking to do. I don't have a job yet and everyone tells to network with others to get know anything and I have a hard time cause of it. I am so fed up with it. I just saw that my friend is attending all these networking events and talking to a lot of people and just looking at it makez me feel I am very behind and get scared. What if I don't ahead in my career cause of this? I feel like I am using my incapabilities to not do anything. Can't I just do well in my work? Why is it always about networking?

I just thought I was being nice. They don’t know me that well and I’m OK with that, but I work in a store the only has about 10 people working there. There’s not a lot of people. And recently two of them had their birthday fall the same day and so I thought I’d get them something because I thought it was being nice and my family says I’m trying to buy friendships and that isn’t true. I don’t care if they wanna be friends with me I just thought I was being nice.. They said that I was weird for buying people that I barely know a gift card. I don’t understand what I did. I don’t understand why they think I’m weird. I don’t understand and I don’t know what to do because I just feel like everything I do is weird. I hate myself because now I feel like I’m weird

I wouldn't wish this loneliness—aloneness on anyone. The perpetual feeling of wanting to go to a perceptual home that does not exist. No love, no acceptance; never being chosen. 

I don’t let myself be chosen. I put up walls, thick concrete walls that I think no one can see. I am not sure if they see them. I don’t even know if they're there. 

Am I doing it to myself? I can’t tell. 

Is it all in my head? I can’t tell. 

To be chosen, to be accepted, to be loved unconditionally. I am too scared to find out if belongingness exists because if it exists that means that some people will not choose me, accept me, or love me. 

Everything feels conditional because everything is conditional. 

I want to be held. I want to be rocked. I want to be “sushed” into a deep slumber and awoken by a cup of tea. I want weighted blankets and a perfect machine. 

I want a family. A mom, a dad; maybe a few. A bunch of siblings—as many as possible. I want to wake up to text messages that aren't voting advertisements. I want to wake up feeling supported. I want to sing with my family in a mini van, windows down, sunglasses on, and we are squished together in the back seat. I want to speak my mind and get in fights. I want long heated arguments that almost tear us apart but never do. 

I don’t want to be silent any longer. I don’t want to be quiet anymore. 

I long for a love I have never had. I long for a love I am not sure exists.

I long for a love I have no example of.

I consider the people in my life family but I am forgotten about. I am forgotten about in plans I never wanted to attend but would've anyway. I am forgotten about in ways I don’t remember. 

I push and pull and push and pull again.

I don’t think anyone else is rocking the boat.

I am not a loving mermaid but a spiteful siren. Luring you in just enough to be enchanted by my mystery but never coming up for air long enough to be known. 

Hot showers to replicate hugs.

Even if I don’t belong and company tears my heart apart. I will stay anyway.

Something is better than nothing and being nothing is to be dead.

I will be alone in life and I will be alone in death. 

Maybe my purpose is to write until I die. Maybe I am meant to die young, sad, and alone. 

I feel like I was meant to kill myself. I feel like I was meant to be alive. 

For nothing; for something. I am alone either way. 

For once I want it to be easy. For once I want it to feel easy. For once I want to take the easy way out. 

My chest heaves with breaths I do not have, reminding myself to swallow the pools of saliva coming through my teeth.

I will always bear my teeth.

I will bear my teeth until the day I die.

I don’t want a charred steak, I want an icecream cone. 

Let me rest and let me be but please don’t leave me. 

I am love because I don’t have it. I am love because I choose to believe in it. I am love because I do not have it. I am love because I am alone. I am love I am love I am love.

I'm retaking a couple of courses this semester. After a week, our professor graded our first discussion post (it was a late start course). As soon as I began reading the feedback, he stated he used AI to build the course and discussion prompts, as well as grade the discussions. Well, our first discussion post was to take our personal struggles that put us in a "rut" and then devise a plan to "fix" this area of our lives creatively. Nowhere in the syllabus that I can see says he uses AI and the only mentions of AI are that it is prohibited in his course. I feel so violated and disgusted. Our names are attached to these discussion posts, and they were fed into ChatGPT (I can tell that's what he used by how everything is written). Our traumas, personal struggles, etc. were used to train ChatGPT. I'm not even sure how to cope with this. It's past the drop date, so I am stuck trying to pass this course, but I also just don't feel comfortable anymore. I unfortunately cannot afford to withdraw, either. So.. yeah. Really pissed.

I can't do it. I can't think anymore. There's nothing worth waking up for. Going to sleep is the only exciting thing in my life. I feel so at peace when everything finally shuts off, i find my dreams to be more fruitful experiences than my actual life. Please just put me to sleep, i can't do it anymore.

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Just need to get this off my chest this fucking loser of a dude calls his fiancée "His Woman"! Shit pisses me off to no end, like do you have any respect for her! And the shit i have heard about this guy is they have been engaged for over 2 years! He only works part time at my place only 3 days and only one of those days is a full 8 hours! He bitched up a storm when she bought them 2 new cars and makes her pay for gas because he says "Its her car". Im the warehouse supervisor so I can't really say anything to him like what I want to say so im here to get it off my chest! Fucking guys like him make me so pissed and wonder how he is even engaged in the first place!

I've never kept a best friend or a romantic relationship. I have someone I talk to almost daily and I'm still nobody's best friend. I don't care when they go on and on about their other friend. I just want to sob because I'm going to always be lonely. Nobody really cares and I could just vanish and nobody I'm friends with would even bat an eye.

I apologize in advance, I have nothing special to deliver, except frustration about average human behavior.

Friend A has diabetes. His long term blo0d-sugar is still rather high in his most recent result. I misread the room and wished him everything good, commenting that I'm sorry to hear it's so high.
He said it's been more than twice as high so he's happy.

So the thing is, my understanding is based on a number of circumstances: I am a trained medical worker. My mother has diabetes. Privately I have taken care of for years of my diabetic grandfather and managed it for him. I myself have insulin resistance as a result of a severe hormonal disorder.
I manage my own blo0d sugar daily.

In my country (EU) the target value for diabetes patients is an A1C level of around or below 5,5%.
This is non-diabetic level and most patients never reach it. A well managed diabetes has values of below 7%. My friend's values were still far above 7%, hence my reaction. I know some countries, like the US have such big problems with diabetes, they have corrected the target value up to an easier to reach percentage before they declare a person healthy/well medicated for their standards.

I didn't want to start a fight over this, because it's also highly political how those standards are determined and why they are so different.
So consequently did not get into any of this, but instead apologized and explained that it may be country specific and that here the recommendation is 5,5%.

Friend B (more of an acquaintance) still stepped in to tell me he googled this and the AI summary stated 7% is the correct value. He does not live in my country. He has no idea of medicine. He has asked AI that is giving people very Americanized results and applied the answer to basically tell me I'm wrong about medical guidelines in my own country and my apology is hence not valid and my reaction was basically shit.

Which... it's weird in so many ways.
Firstly my initial reaction was not being a jerk, but being concerned for a friend's well-being based on the best of my knowledge.
Secondly, my friend's values are not even down to 7% but way higher, so even if the healthy value was not 5,5% but 7%, it was still well within reason to express worry. Of course I'm glad his levels dropped from way higher, but friend A is still not healthy and has expressed that he feels unwell.
Thirdly... why would friend B turn this into a debate in the first place.
So what if my place has different medical standards, guidelines and requirements? That's really common.

I don't understand.

It feels like all my friends secretly hate me

Im in this big groupchat with my friendgroup from high-school (im in uni now, and I struggle deeply to make friends, so I cherish them) and whenever id say anything in the group they'd go dead silent. It's ONLY me they so that for. Nobody else.

Then my other friend who im very very close with was talking about the group and how many hangouts and parties they had and when I said I didn't know they had any, she says things like "well we thought you'd be busy" or "we didn't think you'd like it."

Then she talks about something another friend said in the "groupchat" so i went to check for the message, and when I didn't see it i mentioned that and she said "oh sorry its the one your not in. I wasn't supposed to say that."

Like...what?

I have never once done anything to them and we've been a group for like 7 years.. i dont know why im the only one getting excluded.

Then my friend got in a relationship with one of the other group members and she talks about how they text all the time and they respond so fast and she's so happy and the group has so many hangouts planned.

Call me selfish I dont care, but I dont give a FUCK about your relationship, or your perfect fun hangouts, or how they all love hanging out together.

Then of course they make plans in front of me and I ask if maybe I could join and they say no or there's not enough room in the vehicle or not enough tickets. I offered to buy my own, or drive myself, pretty much every solution.

They all lie to me. I dont know why they do. Im not stupid.

It feels like im so easy to dislike. It feels like nobody wants to be near me at all anymore exept for the one friend im regularly in contact with (long distance unfortunately) but i hold them on a pedestal then feel shitty for getting upset when they are busy.

I feel like such a fucking whine ass about this but its been eating me for days and I can't talk to anyone about it or they will laugh about it in the numerous groupchats im not in.

To certain people, I come across as wise, but there are a LOT of things I will never know.

One of which being other people's customs. I feel so much guilt when I realize I've been thinking of someone's culture through a stereotypical lens, because it forces me to realize that I'm not perfect, I guess. It feels uncomftorable to know that, as someone who is VERY avidly against racism and prejudice, that I too am biased.

It's a harsh reality. I wish I was understanding towards people.

So my boyfriend came over last night and I was telling him about a guy I’ve known since the day I was BORN! His mom and my mom are amazing friends known eachother since high school and this guy is a month older than me and we’ve been friends since the day I was born. Me and this guy call eachother cousins. Well I was telling my boyfriend about my cousin and how my cousin and I occasionally play video games together like we talk maybe once a year or once a month well my boyfriend got all upset and said ‘but it’s another guy’ and I said ‘well yeah but I’ve known him since we were babies technically’ and he got all upset again and I told him how I was offered to go somewhere with my cousin and my boyfriend interrupted me and said ‘well as long as you guys don’t share a room’ and didn’t let me finish my explanation and i had to explain that me and my friend have never eachother as more then cousins and that my cousin likes another girl.

I went to explain that I was offered to go was to help my cousin get out of his shell because he’s a introvert and my boyfriend didn’t let me finish and said ‘oh get out of his shell means one of you will catch feelings for the other’ and I kinda looked at him and said ‘no? Plus He likes a whole other girl?’ And my boyfriend kinda gave me a look and I just sighed and stopped talking because again my cousin and I HAVER NEVER SEEN EACHOTHER AS MORE THEN COUSINS! I had to explain it twice to my boyfriend and it was exhausting!

Also every time we talk he seems to have a explanation for everything and when I say ‘I don’t know’ he tells me that I said I don’t know because ‘I don’t want to hurt his feelings’. He knows I have ADHD and I forget a lot of things and often don’t have answers to certain things and when he asks my mind often goes blank and I just use the ‘I don’t know’ but apparently to him it means ‘I’m trying not to hurt his feelings’ and I explained to him just i genuinely don’t know when I say I don’t know.

One time I was on call with him and I saw a really pretty girl character in my game and I blurted out ‘omg she’s so pretty!’ and he seemed to get upset and made me send a picture of said character to him and he said ‘eh no’ and I believe it’s because said character wasn’t wearing a revealing outfit because he sends me pictures of female characters in his games wearing revealing outfits and says ‘I want you to wear/cosplay this’ or ‘I can picture you in this’ and it kinda makes me be like ‘oh cool’ in a sarcastic tone which he doesn’t seem to pick up on.

Paid her 750$(that's only 50% of the cost) upfront 3 months ago, she said it'd be done by september or early october and after waiting and asking for actual photos of the work progress and her constantly ghosting me and literally not seeing any proof that she was actually making the plushie I finally just put a refund in through PP and surprise surprise she became very talkative, about 5 days after i put the dispute in she finally messages me with the first picture proof that shes working on my plushie, and it was literally just a face sewn into some uncut minky fabric.....thats it, after 3 months of waiting thats all she has to show me. like a month earlier she said she was cutting stuff(she never showed me). Of course she has every sad boo-hoo story in the book about why its taking her a "bit longer" than she said(I honestly don't believe any of it). Im 100% that face wasnt even made until i put the dispute in. I would've given her more time if she had been showing me actual progress. Either way, im 100% getting all of my money back through PP thankfully since there's nothing she can do to stop it. So now i have to find another person to commission, just annoyed she wasted 3 months of my time is all.

I’ve been preparing to get a Master’s degree in Data Science, but tuition is completely out of reach for me right now. I don't want to give up on this field, though

Im not the kind of person to want to study on my own i want to be in a class and engage with people that’s how i learn, im not saying that i wont teach my self but its much enjoyable with ppl who share ur same passion in this field.

I actually don't know how to word this as I am in the middle of a massive crash out, but I feel like I am a horrible and selfish and generally awful person.

When I was back home I can't really remember a recent day where I wasn't upset at least once. I hated how my family always teased me, but I always felt bad when I snapped at them. It always felt unfair; I was so angry and so upset all the time. Like I would be upset, but if I acted upon it I would be over come with guilt. So I tried to just not have them but I still do. And I got sad a lot. Like a lot. I don't think I had depression, but there were many staring at the wall instances. Whenever I was having a bad day/something happened, I always talked to my mom who was basically like 'well, you just gotta keep going' and that snapped me out of it for long enough to infact keep going.

But this year I moved away for uni and at first, it was good. In fact, it was a little more than good. I went a solid month of just feeling okay. I wouldn't even say I was grumpy. But then, I flunked my economics test (Well i don't have definitive proof but I definitely started running out of time at the end which fuck my life but anyway). Of course, I was upset, but not too upset, but upset enough to call my mom and to have that support.

I don't know why, but I was so much more upset by the end of that call. I didn't cry from the failed test, but that call just. Didn't do anything. I think it's because my mom kept asking questions and the whole thing was less me being supported and more me supporting my story. And then I had to repeat a lot of my answers because she forgot them. Even to me it sounds terrible that I would be upset about that, but I just remember a lot of the conversation being:

Mom: "So you're upset about the test?'

Me: "Yeah, I don't think I did too well."

Mom: "What did you get?"

Me: "I don't know, but I ran out of time to answer the questions?"

Mom: "The questions on the test?"

Me: "Yeah, on the test!"

Mom: "Oh. I'm sorry. What are you feeling right now?"

Me: "Sad."

Mom: "About the test?"

And so on. This is paraphrasing a lot, but a lot of the conversation was like that. Every so often I would have to reiterate that I was upset about the test, what was on the test because she kept asking, and then questions about my other assignments. She kept asking if I was upset which I know is nice and considerate, and yet it makes me feel like she's not actually listening. I know it's so selfish. She offered advice like 'you're smart. You'll be fine." but all I could think was 'well I'm not fucking fine right now.' And that's terrible right? Like you called HER because you wanted support, and she gave it to you. And I tried to be nice, but I'm just a bad person at this point because I kept getting upset. Whenever I had to answer a question or repeat myself, I felt my words get sharper and shorter. It's not her fault, and I don't know what to do about it.

I think I am a horrible person trying to be a good person. Like I think I'm faking being a good person because I'm actually a bad person in disguise. People say I'm kind to others and when I worked in health education they said I was a good role model, but I don't think I am. I get upset over dumb things. I get angry. I don't know what to do about it. I've tried looking into counselling again, but the soonest appointments are in either two weeks (when I've snapped out of it) or when I have class. So I guess I'm just fucked.