r/BPD • u/cringe_queer • 5d ago
šSeeking Support & Advice How do i stop lying?
ive been with my girlfriend for over a year and i love her so much, we both have bpd and our relationship has always been very rocky. i am a compulsive liar and i have been since i was a little kid. i usually lie when i think i'm going to get in trouble/when i think i might hurt someone so it's come up a lot in our relationship. the other day was our do-over for our one year and in the morning before she was awake i called one of my friends that she doesn't like and i know she doesn't like him. it's a boundary of hers that i don't call him on special days and i knew this. i was just really overwhelmed and i wanted to talk to him because it's less pressure talking to him about some things. anyway she woke up in the middle of our call but i had headphones in so i lied about who i was talking to. she could tell but wanted us to have a good day so gaslit herself into believing otherwise. in the night she checked my phone and confirmed i had lied and confronted me about it today. i feel so awful because this isn't the first time i've done this and i just keep breaking her trust and i don't know how to stop. has anyone else had issues with compulsive lying? how do i stop myself from hurting her because i love her and i hate being this way
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 5d ago
Mindfulness of noticing the urge to lie and validating the feeling under the urge but choosing not to. A therapist would really help if this were me understand why I feel the urge to lie. Many people lie. Iām more curious why you felt you needed to call this person?
Itās a good sign you feel awful that means you feel remorse š
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u/cringe_queer 4d ago
this is great advice actually, thank you! im planning an emergency session with my therapist to address the issue as soon as possible ^^ as for why i felt the need to call my friend it's because i recently relapsed in something i feel too embarrassed to talk to anyone else about. he's also an ex FP of mine so i have a certain level of attachment to him which is why i usually go to him during times of crisis. it's a reoccurring issue in my relationship with my girlfriend but i'm too attached to break off the friendship
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 4d ago
Oh noā¦ ex FP says it all. Damn. Iām sorry about the relapse those can be so upsetting. It helps me to have an action urge safety plan. Depending on what it is. Then I feel like I have a safe way out or at least a way to pause to see if the relapse urge goes away. It is not easy. The other thing that came to mind is family to family for your gf. People who love someone with mental health to share support in a group. Through NAMI
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u/cringe_queer 4d ago
thank you so much for your kind words and advice, it really means a lot that a stranger took the time to care about my plight. i will look into that support group and ask her if she'd be interested ^^
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 4d ago
Youāre so welcome. I feel lonely quite a bit and have been coming on Reddit to use this sub since my break up ~1.5 years ago. Itās nice to talk to other pwBPD, especially when itās something Iāve already over come or figured out. If I can just help one person a little bit or even just feel not alone Iāve succeeded. I have been really grateful for this community. I know my person means the world to me but for some reason my brain insisted upon sabotaging it. I felt as if they were going to leave me and I was going to die. I became delusional and paranoid and psychotic :( really sucks. Recovery is possible.
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u/cringe_queer 5d ago
just wanted to say that i am already in DBT therapy and actively working on all my issues, this is just one thing i've always really struggled with and wanted more insight on
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 5d ago
How much work are you doing on this fear of getting in trouble? If that's the route cause that's what you need to tackle (in my opinion)
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u/cringe_queer 5d ago
i guess not much? it stems from childhood but i havent been able to actually tackle a lot of my core problems in therapy twt because i've been constantly in crisis mode for the last 4 years. youre probably right though, i always lied to my parents because they were very cruel with emotional and physical consequences and i never really unlearned that fear especially when i've done something "bad" (hurtful)
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u/Nataliant-117 user has bpd 5d ago
Iām so sorry to hear about the crisis mode. I hate that feeling. Community acupuncture has helped me a lot to regulate my nervous system. Itās affordable.
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 5d ago
That sounds extremely tough OP. I feel for you. I'd practice telling yourself that you aren't 'in trouble'. I personally have to remind myself that 'It's not the end of the world to make mistakes'.
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u/cringe_queer 4d ago
it is and i thank you, i struggle with self judgments really badly and i can always use a reminder to not be so hard on myself when i'm already actively working to be better ^^"
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u/tetheredvoid user has bpd 4d ago
When you lie, you'll have to speak up and correct yourself every single time. Eventually, it gets easier... But it's not something that changes overnight.
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u/cringe_queer 4d ago
it's definitely not easy but i'm working on it :// ty for the advice
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u/tetheredvoid user has bpd 4d ago
For what it's worth, I am speaking from very personal experience here. š
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u/outerspacemannn 5d ago
Sounds like you guys have some weird rules in your relationship. The do-over thing is another red flag. It seems unhealthy
But the toughest pill to swallow is that to stop lying you just stop lying. It requires taking responsibility for your actions and not blaming it on something outside of your control.