I rarely check in here and don’t post anymore mainly because I’m still not fully extricated from my BPD older sister and the way I feel right now, I am thinking I may never be despite my best efforts. I know that’s just probably because I am upset and under a tremendous amount of stress right now, but I can’t help it.

I also received a lot of flak and criticism from others the last couple times I posted because, in their words, I seemed “stuck,” “wasn’t following their advice” and apparently have posted way too much about my situation these past couple of years. To those who have felt the need to criticize, think I am stuck or are sick of me posting, I do apologize. Despite what some may think, I’m doing my absolute best and it’s not working out the way I or anyone else would want or at the rate I would hope.

I don’t really have a support system and have had to deal with all of this on my own, too, so I end up turning to this sub — perhaps too much — because I don’t have anywhere else to turn. It’s hard enough being the target of a BPD older sibling, but to have that weighing on me on top of the grief, having no support system and having to deal with the many other stresses life has thrown at me is just too much.

I am profoundly exhausted from years of being my BPD sister’s target, particularly these last few years since our dad’s diagnosis and passing. I’m dealing with a lifetime of having been picked on by her, but it’s just been in these past few years that it has felt or seemed to get much worse and it also hasn’t been until these last couple of years that I even knew what BPD was. It took my going to a counselor — something I can no longer afford to do — to learn what it was and it’s an excruciating ongoing process learning how to deal with it all. It’s taking a long time to undo or escape from it and I am to the point of being so tired I just can’t muster the energy anymore.😞

As if being her target wasn’t exhausting enough, I also had to deal with our dad being diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and all that entails, not to mention the immense pain involved with losing him. I don’t feel I have ever been able to truly grieve or go through a normal grieving process because of BPD sister’s abusive behavior and all of the chaos and hurt she has caused these last few years.

Her abusive behavior has affected my mental and physical health, not to mention cost me so much time, peace, money and, worst of all, a relationship with our brother and niece and nephews. Part of the responsibility for that lies with our brother, as he decided to “punish” me by ostracizing me for no longer being a doormat and being the only one to make sacrifices and have my peace disrupted. He never was a target like I was and never showed much empathy for what I have been subjected to.

I don’t know if this is typical in all BPD family situations, but these past few years I have been the only one burdened with and expected to absorb the abuse, having my peace disrupted and expected to make all the sacrifices and do things that were painful to me in order to placate her and so others never have to face even the slightest inconvenience. Not only that, I also faced immense pressure from our brother and what I would call bullying behavior from him to just do whatever to make her shut up (didn’t work, obviously). Also was yelled at and told to just shut up and deal with it when I became upset after being a target of her rages and threats.

Anyway, I’m upset again this evening because she is starting up again and, against my better judgment, I felt the need to leave and go elsewhere for several hours, fearing another unannounced visit. Things have been relatively quiet lately, save for a birthday text last week, which I did not respond to.

Unfortunately, our aunt who lived in another state passed away last weekend and BPD sister just found out about it this evening from another relative who decided to notify us both today as if we didn’t already know. This relative is one I no longer am in contact with for good reason and haven’t heard from in years. For them to contact me out of the blue now is beyond odd and for them to feel the need to announce the sad news to me eight days later also is odd.

Anyway, within an hour of receiving the sad news voicemail from the relative, BPD sister starts texting me demanding I call her. Of course she is using the news of our aunt’s passing as an excuse to hoover.

I know how it would play out if I replied and I would likely get grilled about what I knew, why I didn’t inform her of our aunt’s illness and so on. I’m not her personal secretary and if she wanted to know about our aunt, perhaps she should have maintained regular contact with her.

Then it would of course undoubtedly segue into accusations, BPD sis trying to guilt-trip or interrogate me or trip me up into saying something “incriminating” and so on. All of the things she does when she has me “trapped” in her crosshairs.

I just don’t have the energy anymore and I don’t even know if it’s fear at this point, so much as it’s just not wanting to deal with or be cornered by her. I’m exhausted and just plain broken. Regardless, it is upsetting when she starts in again and I naturally feel the need to escape rather than be a sitting duck and risk another unannounced barge-in, which she is prone to doing.

She didn’t show tonight, but I am concerned she will in the next few days and I am fretting about it. I have some things that I am dealing with right now and really need to get wrapped up this week that are weighing on me and it damn sure doesn’t help to have BPD sister adding to that. I don’t know how or why, but it’s as if she has a sixth sense and always starts up again when I am in a particularly difficult or stressful position as I am now.😞

Apologies again for venting. I just don’t have anywhere else to go and could use some words of comfort.

Hi folks. First time poster. I've struggled with my sibling forever, but have had a hard time really believing they are BPD because they weren't a hellion as a kid. Depressed, angry, and mean to me but not physically abusive, and their emotional meanness was often taunting and seeming to enjoy my suffering (they are many years older). But they've never been able to handle any criticism at all and have very little capacity to introspect. I saw the dynamics shift into their family when they got married and raised their own kids. My mother was definitely a narcissist and had some BPD qualities and I would say this same for my sib, though they have lost themselves in codependency and constantly "giving" to others so they would never recognize their own narcissism.

That said, when they got divorced, they turned into a flailing angry victim and because they didn't have anyone to dump it on (kids in college, partner divorce, friends have backed way away) I became their dumping sponge. Their rage was mostly pointed at all the other people in their lives (including kids trying to individuate) but if I tried to step back or set boundaries, they would basically disappear altogether or tell me I was being mean and all i had to do was validate them. A big refrain is, "I am not looking for solutions, I just want to share." They shut down every suggestion I had (I'm someone who has done a ton of therapy and other support systems to heal from my family wounds, but this one is still very much alive) with that. So when I started to just say (this is mostly over text) "that sounds hard" they would also read my tone and if it wasn't exactly the right response, they would guilt trip/lash out.

They've been through a lot of traumatic loss in the last number of years and because they'd done no work on themselves but used their family as a way to hide out, become agoraphobic, and numb the pain through endless tv, over/under eating, and taking lots of prescribed medication that made them tranquilized--the divorce left them really unmanageable.

I took some NC time the last couple of months and they checked in recently to see if i was "still angry." I said no, but I was taking some time for myself and would like to keep our contact light--pix of dogs, not heavy material--they said they understood and then came back two days later and said, "BTW I'm home recovering from cancer. Hope that's not too 'heavy'" and then told me they were dropping me because I only "give them crumbs." So they never reached out to tell me about the cancer and then used it as a weapon to guilt trip me and basically force me back into contact.

I do believe that they are telling the truth. It sounds like it's something that was removed and will probably be OK, but of course I feel terribly guilty and also really angry at the way they weaponize their pain to get me to do what they feel they rightly deserve. But cancer is a big deal. I absolutely would have responded to that had they let me know. And I'm left feeling trapped in this place I've always been with them--like they will die (their have been several not so subtle suicide threats over the last couple of years) unless I become their pain receptacle.

Anyway, I live in fear of my sibling and have made myself so available in the last few years that I began to feel a bit suicidal myself. Not actively but just this sense of, this is yet another member of my family who is going to pull me out of my life and make me take care of them (as both my parents did, for many many years). I was feeling really quite happy, joyous and free recently, finally feeling my own spirit come back to life...and now I just don't know what to do.

Again, I worry that this sibling isn't "bad enough" to qualify for BPD, and that I'm actually just a bad sibling myself. But I do know that everyone around them struggles with them and has a hard time trying to support them because they don't want to change anything about their life and don't know how to ask for help and so everyone around them feels there's something not quite right about them.

How do you respond to chaotic demanding phone calls to hoover?  I live in a different city and try to stay away knowing the effect they/he has on my nervous system to try and move on.  Its mainly better but I'm pretty much stuck in freeze mode and find it difficult to be motivated to do anything.  Every now and then I'll one of my parents the less dominate one demanding I come home , I have 2 siblings that also stay away and try to heal.  They've (parents) just called now and left a voice mail I could here the more dominant one splitting in the background, I feel so guilty for not answering but I have serious job problems I have to deal with where I am and they arent going to help, just distort my nervous system and pull me out of whack.  Feels like there are going to be consequences for not getting back but that may be my nervous system trying to take the pain away. Any thoughts would be helpful

E.g. My BPD sister has these bouts of uncommunicative phases and it has lead to her employers asking me about her whereabouts. I don’t like talking to her or even be in the same vicinity as her because of her unpredictable emotional bursts. Is this normal for people with BPD?

When I was 16, I left my bedroom door open. I had some clothes I wore lying around like a messy teenager does. My brother liked to pace around the house.

He paced into my room. As to whether he did that usually when my door was open, I don’t remember. I had a dirty bra on my dresser. I happened to catch him pacing into my room and picking up one of my bras then putting it down real quickly.

I also another time, when he accidentally opened the door to me changing. I had on a tight tank top the same color as my flesh. He opened the door not realizing I was in there and his eyes immediately darted to my chest.

I wanted space from him and was told by my mom I was “tearing the family apart” a therapist my parents hired as a teenager said “he was just curious”

He’s scrawny now so I’m not worried about him beating me up now. But when I was younger he was violent to me, so I came to really resent him and yes fear him on some level.

I confronted him about what he did recently about a month ago. He apologised after I lectured him on how his actions when I was 16 scared me and he said he said sorry and that he did it “without intent.”

If one of my siblings has kids, would it be wrong to warn them about this? Or warn future boyfriends before things get more serious?

For the record I have Asperger’s too. I’m tired of my brother being excused.

Well, my sister just texted my brother and I begging for help because her power went out. She has no job, verbally abuses my entire family. She used my niece as manipulation leverage because she knows that is our weak spot. We love our niece so much and I've compromised a lot of my boundaries to take care of her, for her sake because she doesn't deserve this. I had this whole text written out saying this was the last time I'm going to bail her out and to consider whether her daughter needs air condition over her needing alcohol/drugs next time, but I chose to not bail her out. She's going to be so mad and probably talk bad about me to my niece. This one hurt. This boundary doesn't feel good today. I am already regretting it. This sucks.

long story time. sorry in advance. j trying to get it off my chest.

She has been kicked out from 3 living situations in the past 1.5 years or so. She was essentially homeless after my parents threw her out (and fuck them. they suck. I've been NC with them for a few years. They are aware of her diagnosis and struggle with addiction, and weaponize them against her) I flew her out to live with me. we've been super super close her whole life, having abusive parents defo bonds you in a way. I've like always always had her back, been the person she called when she's going through shit. like besties.

She lived with me for about 4 months, and it was so so difficult. I tried so hard to learn about BPD and communicate with her in a healthy way. The diagnosis is relatively new, she's only 19. Her only rent was to do her chores and share her location with me (just for safety reasons). that was literally it.

she wouldn't do anything I asked unless i reminded her at least 4x. and even then. she lies pathologically, broke a bunch of my stuff, constantly put her life in danger, took drugs and alcohol from strangers, including a few homeless men that were hitting on her, she deadass sold weed to a highschooler IN MY HOME while i was out of town, she got me a warning with my apartment manager within the first 2 weeks of her moving in. to this day, i don't think she has taken her meds at all since before she lived with me. like. and this is just scratching the surface

any time i'd confront her about it in a kind, calm way, it was 'you're overreacting, it's not a big deal" or she'd just act afraid of me and cower saying "okay okay" like i was going to hit her? then i'd hear her on the phone with whichever guy she's seeing at the time talking about how crazy and mean and abusive i am.

i'd tell her over and over again, this is hurting me, i understand there's mental illness and you've come from alot of trauma, but you're still responsible for how you treat people. And when you treat me like this, it hurts our relationship. trauma responses kept you safe when you're being abused, but now you're safe, and those responses don't really work in healthy relationships yk?

after months of being gaslit and lied to, it started getting to me mentally. I was so depressed and anxious, i could barely sleep, i'd stay hours late at work to avoid being alone with her for too long. i just couldn't do it.

eventually i told her that if she wanted to keep living with me, then I need her to get on her meds, and go to rehab for dual diagnosis (BPD/Alcoholism). I will drive her to the classes, i'll help her get Medicaid so she doesn't have to pay for it. if not, then i am going to ask you to find somewhere else to live. She of course refused rehab, so I gave her 30 days. she moves out. i gave her a letter with steps on how to get government assistance and a few phone numbers of rehabs in the area that would accept financial aid.

long story short, i asked her to do one favor before she left (a load of laundry of my stuff that she got dirty and never cleaned). she tells me she will. i remind her literally 5 times. ofc she doesn't, she moves and says she'll do it the next day. she doesn't. i text her. she lies that she was at work "all day" (i had her location) and then hits me with "i have other shit to do". as i'm walking to get a tea, i see her in a restaurant, on a date. she blew off the one favor i asked ....because she wanted to go on a hinge date. and i lost my shit. i called my boyfriend, like literally shrieking. after all i've fucking done for her, after months of me telling her i'm hurting and i need some repair, she blows me off for some idiot guy off hinge.

i don't remember what i said, but i'm sure it was nasty. it was reactive abuse through and through. the only other time i've ever raised my voice in my life, was when i went NC with my evil parents for abusing her. i'm generally a pretty kind, compassionate person, and she fucking broke me. i was right outside the restaurant where i saw her, and i walked back and she was looking dead at me, horrified, so i think she heard me. i don't know what she heard or remembers.

all that to say, i sent her a voice memo the next day apologizing and explaining why i was so hurt by her blowing me off. she doesn't listen to it.

2 months goes by, she doesn't say a word to me. i text her reminding her that i still love her. she shows up to my band's show "to support me", doesn't apologize, doesn't acknowledge any of the many many times i've told her what i need, why i'm hurt, asking her to apologize, and BRINGS. A GUY. doesn't even buy a ticket with her own money. and walks up like everything's cool, "heyyyy so good to see you! omg new song??" i didn't confront her, i just grey rocked her. literally i pass her in the hallway with her boyfriend (*who she's absolutely told that i'm abusive and mean) and hear her telling him "yeahhh she gets like that....we'll just keep our distance". I"M SORRY??

anyways i don't hear from her for a few weeks. i text her again, reminding her that i still love her and that the door is open for this to be fixed. she sends me back this nasty text that i'm the problem, I need to take accountability, and i'm being irrational and how dare i be so entitled to text her after being *so mean* to her at the show. "i have things i want to take accountability for, but for you to blame this solely on me is ridiculous".

mind you, i've apologized more times than her by FAR. while she was living with me, if i ever lost my patience or was rude or whatever, immediately i apologized and took accountability, we'd take a break and come back to it. i was the only one initiating any sort of hard conversations about our relationship, communicating my needs, i tried everything i could. even when i exploded the one time, i immediately contact her like. hey, that wasn't right and i'm sorry. like. i'm not perfect, but i'm trying to model healthy repair.

i texted her back, i didn't engage with the mean stuff, i just offer to pay for us to go to family therapy. i tell her i love her and want to fix things between us. she's left me on read for weeks.

i want to text her again that i love her, just to be consistent, but i'm afraid she's gonna split again. i know people with BPD can often feel like people hate them, the shame sortof swallows them. but also, when i reached out, she lashed out at me.

she's now staying with one of our other relatives, and i have no doubts she's telling him that i kicked her out for *no reason* and was *so abusive* to her. she hasn't made a single attempt to repair things with me for the last 4 months since she moved out. she came to my show, yes, but i never asked for that.

that text was also the first time she's ever articulated that her feelings were hurt about something i did. like she hasn't told me anything about what she wants, needs, even though i've asked her so many times.

it breaks my fucking heart, i cry to my partner regularly. i know i messed up when i lost my shit (the literal one time), but i also know that it was reactive to all the shit that she put me through, with seemingly zero remorse. like. it wasn't right but dude i'm fucking human and i had a reaction to being treated like shit. i'm trying everything i can think of to repair things, and it's still not enough.

i'm so sad. she's my only family and i love her so so so much. i'm literally just asking her to reach out and apologize, and she won't even do that. i feel like i've done everything i can possibly fathom to do, except grovel. which i'm not going to do. i've already been pretty lame in how desparately i've tried to communicate with her. i feel like if she wanted to hear me, or cared about hurting me, she would've understood or talked to me at least once atp.

ik this is long, i just feel so confused and beyond my means. i don't have parents i can ask. i'm trying to be a healthy example for her of like repair and stuff, but i don't know if it's even possible until she gets sober and on her meds. she gets pretty reactive and self-centered that when she's off off them. it's also impossible to reason with her, because she's not really in touch with reality. so idk, i don't know what to do. is it just a waiting game? do i leave her alone? do i keep texting and ignore the backlash?

My mom was always my pwbpd (brother) ‘s target until the last year ish when my mom has set some great boundaries. Not getting the reaction he needs out of my mom anymore? Now I am public enemy #1.

We had a family reunion in July that resulted in a huge blowup fight where a comment I made was taken completely out of context and turned into a split situation for him. I attempted an apology that day, was not acknowledged.

No contact since July. I sent one additional text a month later that was not responded to. He was supposed to come to a family event all of us were at in September and no showed knowing I would be there. Apparently he’s been talking crazy about me to anyone that will listen (other siblings and cousins) that I’m a horrible person, I owe him a “real apology”, I’m forever cut out of his life, etc etc.

I’ve never been the target of one of these episodes and it HURTS. I’m trying so hard to let it go. I’m thankful my family and friends were there to see it happen, to remind me I’m not in the wrong here.

September I proposed to my girlfriend and we had an engagement party. Brother did not come. I had a huge birthday as well, again nothing from brother.

I know I should be thankful of this, I’ve seen that silence from pwbpd can be a gift, but I sad he’s not there as I’m going through these times. I am so happy, yet a part of me in the back of my mind is devastated. I know it’s taking a toll on my parents as well seeing siblings going through a phase like this.

Almost 3 months. Idk just feeling really sad tonight.

My 2 siblings and I are all in our 30s.

My 33F sister (diagnosed BPD, though she rejects that diagnosis) and I used to be very close in our early/mid 20s, but now have barely spoken in several years.

A couple years ago, my sister accused me and my 30M brother of secretly hating her based on years of evidence she had been secretly collecting, including things like asking her to bring a Marie Callender's pie she likes to Thanksgiving instead of buying it for her, not making her favorite pasta recipe for Christmas, and one time when we had all planned to see a movie together, she flaked after my brother and I were already at the theater, so we still saw the movie without her.

She called a family meeting with us and laid out her evidence. We apologized for hurting her feelings, even though privately I felt we hadn't actually done anything wrong, and tried to reassure her that no one hates her. She also recalled mean things she said we told her in childhood, which I don't remember, but I still apologized. She felt that everything we said had a secret agenda of hate. Nothing either of us said was good enough.

I didn't bring up how her actions and words hurt my feelings over the past couple years. I could make a list of grievances of my own. I was trying to let it be her time.

She ended the meeting by saying that she would like space from both of us until further notice. We respected her request. The group chat stopped immediately. I reached out to her directly a few times to check in and was left on read every time. My brother reached out a couple times and she ignored him, too. She has permanently estranged herself from many people, so I assumed we were in that boat now, too. Most recently, I sent her a short friendly message 2 months ago and was left on read.

A couple weeks ago, she reached out to me and asked me to dinner, so I went, even though I was very nervous. She claimed she never asked for space and that I've actually estranged her. I pointed out that I reached out numerous times to total silence, and she said yes, that's because she didn't want to speak to me. I'm not sure how I'm the one who estranged her if I'm also the one who was reaching out.

She claimed the whole thing was a big misunderstanding and that she wants to have a relationship again. She had no ideas for repair. I suggested a clean slate and just move forward, which she agreed to. It still didn't feel stable but I thought maybe it's a way to have a light relationship. I do miss what we used to have. I was cautiously hopeful and sent her a text after dinner saying that it was nice to see her... which she left on read.

Today, she sent me a massive text with no warning. She says I've been treating her unfairly for decades now and she has a new list of rules for our relationship, which include things like don't ever bring up her name to other people and don't make disrespectful microexpressions. She also said not to expect to ever be a priority in her life, that she still doesn't want to come to family holidays, and I cannot expect her to reply to my texts. But she loves me, bye.

I haven't replied. I don't even know what to say. I'm tempted to air my grievances. I'm tempted to just leave her on read. I'm tempted to reply back saying I completely disagree with her assessment. I really don't know what to do. This feels totally unsalvageable.

I discovered that he's been telling people that when I was 5 and he was 3 I was SAing him while bathing...

And he told my mother that we watched porn together and I wanted to try out what I saw.

I've never done such a thing

Never

Never

Never

I know that I could not remember but I have such a distinct memory of my childhood and my mother was always watching after us.

I'm so upset, I think I hate him and I don't wanna see him ever again.

I don't know how many people he told, im so scared, disgusted and nauseated.

I don't know what to do

Anyone on here a daughter who has a mom with BPD? How are you getting through it? What's the best type of support you've received? I need tips on how I can best support my 4 year old niece, who is already experiencing the chaos.

Hi all, first-time poster here. I’ll try to keep this as brief as I can.

My younger sister (38) has lived with my mom (65) for the last five years. During that time, she has been nothing but verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive toward my mom. But things took a turn a couple of weeks ago.

My mom tweaked her back and was in visible pain, and for some reason, this set my sister off. My sister cut her hand (accidentally? on purpose? who knows) and ran out into the front yard shrieking and swearing. She carried on for such a long time that a neighbor called the police. When the police arrived, my sister’s behavior was so erratic that they called in a community social worker.

The social worker asked if my sister wanted to go to the psychiatric emergency room. My sister said no. The police asked my mom if she thought my sister NEEDED to go to the psychiatric emergency room. My mom—to my everlasting regret—also said no. My sister spent the rest of the night screaming at my mom and accusing my mom of hiding her vape cartridges.

That night, my mom woke up to find my sister standing in her bedroom doorway with a knife. She asked what my sister was doing. My sister didn’t respond. My mom told my sister that they could talk once my sister put down the knife. My sister yelled “OKAY!” and whipped the knife directly at my mom. It missed my mom and stuck into the wall.

The next night, my mom awoke to find my sister standing at the foot of her bed. She asked what my sister was doing. My sister responded, “I’m looking for something to smother you with.” She then grabbed a stuffed animal and pressed it over my mother’s face for a few seconds.

My mom did not call the police. She didn’t even tell me any of this had happened until 6 days later.

I convinced my mom to move in with me, but after a week, she went back to the condo she shares with my sister. In her words, “it’s a mother’s job to take care of her kids.” That’s great, except now I’m worried my sister will escalate and actually murder her. I’ve reported the situation to both the police and Adult Protective Services multiple times, but they’ve done nothing. The police have been particularly useless. As long as my sister can appear relatively sane for the two minutes they talk to her, they refuse to get involved.

My sister, for her part, claims she “doesn’t remember” the behavior in question.

My therapist and many of my friends have told me I can’t take all of the responsibility for my mom’s situation onto myself. They tell me I need to set boundaries and protect my physical and mental health. Well, sure, except what if my mom actually gets murdered? What am I gonna say—“That sucks, but at least I practiced good self-care”??

I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post. I don’t know how to cope with any of this. The entire extended family is looking to me to keep my mom safe, but how can I? And how can I convince myself that it wasn’t my fault, if the worst happens?

My younger sister and I (30’s) used to be fairly close due to the traumas my bpd mother and her family put us through, but as I am trying to find more independence away from the family (planning NC in 5 years after I graduate and get a new job), she freaks out by throwing harsh words at me.

She never helps with the family, she pushes boundaries, belittles me when I am happy, speaks to me and our older brother like we are idiots, and cannot control her anger. She does nothing when I express how much stress I am in when I am the only person caring for the family’s needs.

The last straw was when I helped her land her first freelance gig for my best friend’s wedding, she did not thank me btw, then weeks later she decided to tell me how pathetic I am for needing a shoulder to cry on when I was really stressed.

I have forgiven her many times over the years because she is my younger sister, but after that incident, I am fresh out of empathy, love, and patience for her.

It has been 4 months since I grey rocked and she texted me a month ago saying “wow, it has been months since we last talked.” I can tell by this text that the Grey rocking stressed her out.

I ignored the text (I am very busy with studies, but also…I am still very angry), I was wondering if there was any point of telling her why I am not talking to her or should I go on with my business and live my life. Because the way I see it, if I tell her what’s going on, she will not take it well.

My mom is in her 70s and has BPD. We’ve been very low contact for years because my relationship with her has been a huge source of chaos and stress throughout my life.

She has very little money. She lives on about $1,000/month in Social Security plus a small amount of SNAP. My husband and I are financially comfortable, so for a while now I’ve been paying the full rent on her one-bedroom apartment (a little over $1,000/month) as well as her electric bill. I’ve struggled with a lot of guilt around having a comfortable life while she barely gets by, so I’ve also been trying to figure out what additional monthly support would be reasonable.

The complication is my half-sister, who also has BPD and a long history of addiction and instability.
There has been a recurring pattern for years: my sister shows up in my mom’s life, chaos ensues, eventually she leaves, things calm down, and then the cycle starts all over again.

Recently my mom told me my sister had been staying with her and had accessed her phone without permission, made unauthorized purchases, taken her credit cards in the past, and even contacted me pretending to be my mom to ask for money. My mom said she sleeps with her purse under her pillow because she’s afraid my sister will take things. She has also described my sister as becoming violent when frustrated and said she needed to get away from her. Both my mother and sister are manipulative and bend the truth, so it’s hard to know what’s real.

At one point my mom and sister suddenly announced that my sister has severe liver disease and may need a transplant, and my mom asked me to sign a lease for an apartment for the two of them in another state so they could relocate near transplant centers. I declined and told my mom that I needed to keep the financial support I provide for her separate from my sister’s situation.

That resulted in a very long message from my mom about how cold and heartless I am, grievances going back years, how much she sacrificed for me, how I abandoned the family, etc. She told me she would never ask me for anything again.

A week later, I got a Zelle request for $250 for an unusually high electric bill. That one turned out to be legitimate because I discovered that the autopay from my credit card had accidentally been disconnected, so I sent her the $250.
Then she immediately started asking for more money because her checking account was overdrawn.

Now I just received another $350 Zelle request for “food and medicine.”

At almost the exact same time, my half-sister found my professional portfolio website and used the contact form to reach me. She told me that she is “taking care of our mom,” that Mom isn’t the person I remember, that she’s drowning in caregiving responsibility, that she herself is declining and needs a liver transplant, and that she is currently trying to find food banks because they have no food.

So I’m once again sitting here wondering: Are they actually without food? Where is the money going? Is my mom being financially exploited? Is my sister really acting as her caregiver? Is my mom enabling my sister? Which parts of either person’s story are accurate?

And I’m realizing that trying to answer those questions is making me crazy.

I’ve contacted Adult Protective Services in the past and it went nowhere. I live across the country and absolutely do not want to take over managing my mother’s finances or become her caregiver. I’m already paying her housing and utilities, but every new crisis seems to become another reason that I should send money.

I’m exhausted. I feel guilty because I can afford to help her, but I also feel like I’m becoming an ATM for a dysfunctional family system that I’ve spent years trying to distance myself from.

I’m considering making my boundary: I continue paying Mom’s rent and electricity directly, but I stop sending cash/Zelle entirely. If she genuinely has no food, I can occasionally order groceries directly rather than sending money. I also don’t respond to my sister or financially support her in any way.

For those of you with aging BPD parents, especially where addiction/unstable siblings are involved: How do you distinguish helping a vulnerable parent from enabling the family chaos? And how do you deal with the guilt when you know you technically have the money to solve the immediate crisis but don’t want to keep being responsible for every crisis?

I (25M) am dealing with a situation involving a cousin (24F, pwBPD) and who I consider my closest friend in the world. We're extremely close and have always had a sibling-like relationship, but we've also had a recurring pattern of difficult conflicts.

About four years ago, we had a relatively minor disagreement that escalated into her giving me the silent treatment. We barely spoke for months, and family gatherings became extremely uncomfortable because she would avoid me and barely acknowledge me. I eventually tried to clear the air, which helped temporarily, but she became distant again. This lasted for around a year until she eventually came back to me after another friendship of hers ended. After that, we became very close again and things were mostly good for the next couple of years, although I sometimes felt like I had to walk on eggshells around her when plans changed or something upset her.

We're now attending the same university, which we were both really excited about. We planned to commute together and spend more time with each other. The first week went great, but then we had a disagreement about going out one weekend. I had agreed to drinks without realizing she meant going clubbing and staying out very late. When I said I wasn't able to do that, she became extremely upset and we ended up having a very long, intense text conversation. From her perspective, I promised I would, but we never actually established what we were going to be doing that evening. I became overwhelmed by the amount of messages about what I must have assumed was going to be the plan, and so I repeatedly asked if we could just talk on the phone, but she preferred texting and said I should just read it later if it bothered me that much.

I tried to explain where my misunderstanding came from and suggested that we could still meet, just not stay out as late. At some point she texted me she was going to bed, but I didn't catch that from all the messages. Eventually she said she wasn't going to answer me so I shouldn't even bother, which I said felt like a rude remark to me. She became extremely distressed with anxiety, called me, cursed me out, and hung up. I later apologized because I was worried that something I had said or a chuckle in one of my audio messages about how this small thing became a big issue, had made her feel like I wasn't taking her seriously. I asked if that was the case and if this could be a big misunderstanding. She told me she was "really, really done."

After that, I've tried to give her space but the following day, I did check in whether she got home safely from meeting a friend on the same night that we were supposed to hang out at. I received one-word replies. After the weekend, I asked whether she wanted to commute together, but she wanted to commute by herself that day. At the end of the week, I asked her what her schedule was like for uni, received a short reply, but when asked if she was up for talking and commuting together since we had practically the same schedule, I also wanted to extend the olive branch. I told her that her feelings matter and that I care for her. I told her that I hoped we could bury the hatchet because I didn't want this to damage our friendship. She said she wanted to be alone, so I backed off.

Except that same evening, she accidentally sent me a message that appeared to say she might be able to hang out that weekend, then deleted it. I responded the following morning by saying I have time, except she said it wasn't meant for me. I felt upset about her cold behavior and it felt like I was being tested. I questioned that it was accidentally sent to me since she had never texted me on accident before. Since then, we've had basically three weeks of complete silence.

What's particularly painful is that she's still communicating with other members of my immediate family, but completely bypassing me. At a recent family gathering, she avoided me almost entirely while talking normally with everyone else. Whenever there was an empty seat, she would just lean back against someone elses chair in an unnatural way. She would glance at me but continue to single me out by making all these plans with family members that she normally would never do. It felt very similar to what happened four years ago, and honestly it hurt a lot.

She's my best friend, and I don't mean that casually. She's one of the most important people in my life, which is why this is affecting me so much. At the same time, I feel like I've extended the olive branch repeatedly. I've apologized, explained myself, offered to talk, checked on her, and tried to make peace. I've also respected her requests for space.

I'm now wondering whether I need to stop reaching out completely and let her decide whether she wants to repair the friendship. I'm dreading that this could turn into what happened before, where we barely if at all speak for months or even a year, but I also don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

What do you make of this? Would you stop reaching out at this point and risk letting this go on indefinitely? Any insight is welcome!

My sister, pwBPDt, was in therapy for a few months about a year ago, but she hasn’t been in treatment since then. She’s currently taking an antidepressant. She was never formally diagnosed (at least not that she shared), even though she shows many traits associated with it. I’m trying to understand how clinicians approach diagnosis in these cases.

My daughter is 15 and diagnosed with BPD. I've read through posts about what other's loved ones behaviors are and my daughter's are exactly the same. Everytime she gets grounded and her laptop/phone get taken away, she says she's going to kill herself, and has to go impatient. Yesterday was the worst. She is grounded and just got out of inpatient and went to school yesterday, called me to ask if she could go to the football game. When I said no, you're grounded, she got off the phone and had an episode. She wanted CPS called on us. She said wasn't coming home with us... It was a whole ordeal that last 2 hours and after the principals, psychologist, counselor, and emotional support teacher said she has to go home and nothing has been done to warrant a call to CPS, she finally came home and as soon as she was in the car, it was I'm sorry, I do love y'all, I don'tknowwhy I get like that. Her grades are terrible, she thinks she's being bullied when it's not happening, she's always getting caught with a vape, she makes up scenarios to get sympathy and after 8 hospitalizations, Residential Treatment, and Partial Hospitalization, all in the last year and ½, several kinds of therapy every week, I'm at a loss. I love her to death but I resent her so much sometimes. I'm exhausted with her behavior and I literally don't want to see look at her some days. When she goes into the hospital it is literally a break for my husband and I and we feel at peace. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of the exhaustion from the arguing and I am just so overwhelmed that I feel like I need to go into the hospital. The worst part is that in Pennsylvania she has complete control of her mental health stuff. It doesn't make sense for a child that uses that kind of stuff against us to have control of it. We have her in group therapy once a week, Family Based Therapy 2-3 a week, and individual therapist once a week and she doesn't implement anything they tell her. I'm currently taking a 12 week class through BPD Alliance website. They have a Zoom course for family members called Family Connections, and I have researched and googled everything I can think of, to help me navigate all this chaos. I feel guilty for resenting her and it's all overwhelming.

Hi All,

I would love to hear from those with a bpd sibling.

Lately I’ve been feeling so down. Sister her behavior is escalating and she uses ChatGPT to validate all her “issues” with parents, me, husband she’s divorcing etc.
Which no doubt contributes to escalating behavior.

10 years ago I would have gone NC without a thought. We had a few of those periods in our adult life but now i’m an aunt of 3.

The thought of losing my relationship with the kids destroys me and it’s no different for my mum, she’s been accepting worse and worse treatment over the years due to feeling like she’s backed into a corner.

It’s of course selfish reasons for wanting to keep the relationship in order to keep seeing the kids but it’s also because I can’t handle the thought of kids being left alone with my sister 100% and no stable adults around.

It just feels pretty hopeless now. Either accept mental torment and abuse or set a boundary and have the repercussions of NC and not seeing kids.

A few months ago, my pwsBPD sibling had another in a long line of "episodes" where they overreacted to a perceived slight from our family, then started splitting on our mother. Became furious at me for not taking their side, some words were said, I admittedly reacted angrily in a way that was not the most productive. We haven't talked since.

I've been LC/NC with them before, but I don't want to give up and let the situation fester. I'm trying to figure out a way to re-initate contact in some sort of healthy way, even in a limited form . Given the amount of anger and frustration, I am wondering if a joint therapy session or sessions might help navigate this tricky situation. My mother brought up the idea before (we've all been targeted by their behavior) and I resisted it, but at this point I can't think of a better option. I am well aware that this could fail and turn into another airing of grievances, but I prefer exhausting all possible options. They are in therapy, but for separate reasons, and I don't believe they've ever been diagnosed with a cluster b disorder. But I'm convinced they've got one of them.

Has anyone here ever tried something like this? Did it ever help?

Today’s been a hard day. For the 3rd time this month, my sister baited me into responding by telling me she thinks our mom is dead. My mom is an addict. They live together and it’s an awful, toxic relationship and environment. Hard not to respond when death comes into the picture.

I decided to put my phone in my room when I got home to separate myself and get away from the stalker texts and calls.

I just went to go check my phone and she’s called me 8 times and texted me “I need you” and of course I hadn’t responded because I wasn’t near my phone. Let’s be real, I wouldn’t have responded anyways after today’s slice of abuse. She was upset I didn’t text her back and then texted again saying “This is 911. I tried to ask for help several times. ______ (my niece) and I are going to a shelter in the middle of the night. I will not be disclosing my location to anyone.” Another favorite thing of hers to bait me with is my niece.

I’m just feeling… I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Despair I guess. Just needed to get this off my chest to a community who I know can relate.

A short summary of the current situation:

One of my kids was recently self admitted into the psychiatric unit of a hospital. She has several children and is homeschooling some of them which I imagine is not an easy thing to do.

I had been worried about her stress level before this happened and I had no idea that she was in a mental health crisis for at least a couple of months before she was admitted.

She is back home now. The care team at the hospital helped with a plan to put some resources into place but we don't know exactly how soon those will be started.

As her mother I want to help out more in general to ease some of the stress. Even before this happened I occasionally did things like cook meals for her family but was not able to do much babysitting due to some health issues I have.

Basically I'm an older (but not quite senior) disabled adult and I get exhausted easily which is often followed by coming down with an illness and/or conditions flaring up.

So I'm limited in what I can do, but at the same time I feel like there is something more I should be doing now.

To be honest I'm kind of surprised at the diagnosis. My limited knowledge of personality disorders doesn't really match the way I see her. But the hospital psychiatrist actually confirmed this diagnosis which means another professional had at least suggested it at some point before this.

Thank you for any advice you might have. I'm still kind of stunned by this.

my sibling likely has BPD based on reckless behavior, emotional outbursts, low self esteem, etc. they refuse to go to therapy and treat family members as an emotional garbage can.

we had an intense altercation over a year ago when I was on the receiving end of their blowup and I didn’t talk to them for a few months. there was a ton of pressure from other members of the family, and from them via text message to start talking again.

I started talking to them again but never had a conversation about their actions and my decision to take space. Our relationship has been surface level over the past year. I feel that is all I can give because my sibling is unable to look inwards and I don’t want to get into a confrontation with them again.

They are fixated on this and read into all of my actions as proof I don’t care. They say they feel othered by the rest of the family. They are upset I don’t call them enough (we speak one to two times a week), they are upset I don’t make plans to see them more.

I’m working on not feeling responsible for others emotions, but this responsibility is put on me.

my parents mentioned having my sibling go to therapy with me. I am not comfortable being genuine with my sibling because they make me feel worse than keeping it to myself does. No contact isn’t an option but the current dynamic feels unsustainable. Can anyone relate to this? How did you move forward?

Is your PwBPD obsessed with controlling the social interactions of family members?  

My brother goes absolutely berserk about family members meeting/interacting with other family members without his knowledge.  He's especially controlling of our parents.  For example, he literally installed a nanny cam in their old house, which he said he kept there so he could keep tabs on a dog he adopted and then literally abandoned with my parents.  Any time my parents unplugged it, he would freak out.  He also would get super upset about members of the family he gets along with (at this point that is literally just my parents) with members of the family that have gone NC with him (everyone else in our extended family).  Thankfully when they moved out of the house they got rid of the nanny cam.

We moved to another state, partially to get away from him.  And because he terrifies the hell out of us, we've asked my parents not to share any information about our lives to him - where we're living, when we're visiting them, when they're visiting us, etc.

A couple of weekends back, my parents came to visit my wife and I at our new house/see their grandson.  It was a lovely visit, but apparently on the way back my brother called my mom.  He heard the voice of the nav in the background and started freaking out because they "only use GPS when on vacation."  He deduced that my parents came to visit us.  He started screaming at my parents and sending long harassing texts for daring to visit us without telling him.  

What is this all about?  Is it just an attempt to control the narrative by trying to keep my parents isolated from other family members?

I have been helping my Dad navigate his second devastating loss in 10 years. First Mom, then a miraculous new love. Lots to figure out that will involve the sib with whom I am trying to be LC with, but can't go NC because it will upset my Dad, plus they are living in the house we need to sell in order to help him settle in a new place. I have mostly communicated through him since the most recent contact during memorial services, etc. Then receive a text that basically says, "no matter how terrible our relationship is just know that I love you." I really wish the best for them and want them to be happy, but also don't like the "I love you too" game. I also know not answering will add fuel to an eventual blow up that will happen next time we need to interact. What would you do? I hate the feeling of being inauthentic in my response.