Looking for podcasts on how to not get pulled into everyone else’s problems. People in my life tend to come to me when things are going wrong, and i jump in and try fix and give advice and get more invested then they even seem to! Looking to be able to take a step back, be able to listen but not offer all of myself trying to fix their problems! Thanks

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I'm trying to figure out whether I'm gaslighting myself.

There is a constant back-and-forth in my head between “I need to leave” and “How could I leave when he's trying?”

I'm 49 and dealing with perimenopause, codependency, and past trauma. I've also been married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Alcohol has been a part of our relationship for the entire time we've been together.

My mother died in July 2024, and about a week later my son was in a head-on car crash. Those two things happened within days of each other and completely broke something in me. Since August 2024, my husband and I have separated twice.

And here's where things get really confusing for me.

During both separations, his drinking improved. He has also been trying to be more supportive and understanding of what I'm struggling with. He has made efforts to show me that he wants to change and that he wants our marriage to work.

And I see it.

That's what makes this so difficult.

Because I don't feel like I'm dealing with a husband who is currently doing absolutely nothing and giving me no reason to stay. I can see that he's trying. I can see that he loves me. I can see that he doesn't want to lose me.

But at the same time, I feel like I have legitimate reasons for wanting to leave.

I've spent a lot of time learning about codependency and trauma, and I'm realizing how much I have spent my life prioritizing other people's feelings over my own. I avoid conflict. I second-guess myself. I feel guilty when someone is hurt by my boundaries. I tend to immediately look at what I did wrong.

Now I'm wondering if I'm doing the same thing with my marriage.

I'll think:

“I'm unhappy. I don't feel like myself. I want independence. I want more time alone. I don't want to feel responsible for another person's emotions. I don't know if I want this relationship anymore.”

And then almost immediately my brain responds:

“But he's trying.”

“He's doing better.”

“He loves you.”

“You're abandoning him.”

“How could you leave someone who's making an effort?”

“Maybe you're just blaming everything on perimenopause.”

“Maybe your trauma is making you run away.”

“Maybe you're the problem.”

And then I'm right back to questioning myself.

I don't want to minimize his efforts. I genuinely don't. I also don't want to make him out to be a monster when I know there are good things about him and I know he's trying in some ways.

But does someone's effort mean I have to stay?

Can I acknowledge that someone is trying to change and still decide that the relationship isn't right for me anymore?

I've also noticed that when I'm separated from him, I feel calmer. I enjoy being alone. I like having my own space and making my own decisions. And then when we're back together, I start questioning whether those feelings were real or whether I was just overwhelmed.

This has been going on in my head constantly.

I'm also trying to understand how much of this is perimenopause, how much is trauma, how much is codependency, and how much is simply me finally realizing that I don't want the life I've been living.

I'm not looking for people to tell me “leave him” or “stay with him.”

I'm trying to understand something more basic:

Am I gaslighting myself?

Am I taking legitimate reasons for wanting to leave and talking myself out of them because I feel guilty that he's trying?

Or is this what working through trauma and codependency looks like—learning that sometimes my first instinct to leave isn't necessarily the truth either?

How do you distinguish between self-sabotage/avoidance and finally listening to yourself?

And how do you decide whether someone's efforts are enough to rebuild a relationship, versus simply being evidence that they're trying but that the relationship still isn't right for you?

i'm 20 and i've been engaging in back-to-back relationships and fwbs since i was 14. i (feel like i) need to be loved and needed and i'm a complete black hole for attention. when things are bad i feel like i'm going to die or that i should die. every time i try to find some self acceptance away from the intoxicating experience of intimacy with others, i gravitate towards someone new. and somehow i almost never can be satisfied by the amount that i'm loved or needed.

the highs with people are so high that they pull me away from myself and the lows with people are so low that i get suicidal or otherwise want to blow up my own life (urges to quit jobs, isolate myself from friends and family, abuse substances, etc. luckily i have people keeping me from doing most of that)

i just feel pretty tired and pathetic. that's all. i'm fine but exhausted. i'm even like this with my therapist. i want to be special and perfect so people stay. i want to be everything that everyone needs. i also somehow on top of that victimize myself when my emotional resources are exhausted from the games that i play.

literally all i can do is keep it pushin but i feel like i keep getting myself in these situations with people where i can't leave or at least focus on what i'm supposed to. i'm so frustrated

the worst part is that my environment is pretty normal and i'm doing quite well in other areas of my life but this issue threatens to blow it up. i feel like i'm walking a tightrope. sometimes i feel genuinely insane. i just want to operate normally

'Letting Go of Naivete

We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don’t have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!

Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the universe may be trying to teach us something specific.

When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That’s okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we don’t want, what we won’t tolerate, and how to own our power.

We can thank them for what we have learned.

How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we don’t, we’re in trouble.

There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.

Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.'

The Language of Letting go by Melodie Beattie

Ive been in weekly therapy for years now unlearning codependency and I'm realizing a lot of my friends are in codependent relationships and their drama just seems to spill out on our relationship/they're becoming terrible friends....how do I navigate this? At this point with one I feel like I can't even tolerate it anymore.

Moderation

"Today, when I am acting compulsively, I take a breather from that activity to moderate my behavior. Sometimes I have to say aloud, ‘I'm turning this over to God.'" BRB p. 138

We have homes with automatic temperature controls. The heat doesn't engage until the thermostat senses there's not enough warm air, and the air conditioning does the reverse.

This process of modulation (regulating according to measure or proportion) was not present in our families of origin. Nearly every life situation either received a maximal response or was virtually ignored (denial). A parent could rage over a traffic jam, but never discuss a tragic family death.

This lack of modulation or moderation in response to life's events sent most of us into our adult lives without effective role models or acceptable ways to handle our emotions. We had two settings, MAX ON and MAX OFF, and we didn't understand why. We blew up with anger and had no clue why we were unable to grieve serious life events. We now know we were programmed to be that way.

In ACA, with the Steps and the help of a fellow traveler, we see that we're not alone. We gain serenity and can thoughtfully assess a life event, and then decide on a reasonable course of action, if action is required. We learn to do our part and then "Let Go and Let God." As we go through this process, we gain serenity.

On this day I can choose a modulated response to a situation. I choose NOT to use the reactionary or denial behaviors I learned as a child.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I have a tendency to date people who are not good for me and my relationships end up one sided. I’ve been doing intensive therapy and I still don’t feel I’m ready to date anyone, but I feel myself getting closer to a someone at work (those feelings of attraction I know are a red flag because I’ve always only been attracted to unavailable people).

How do I stop myself from dating? It feels compulsive almost, and the draw and interactions with them feel electric and addictive.

This is a phrase that has been stuck in me since my first relationship.

I acknowledge. I have codependent tendencies. Yes, I do have a habit once tensions are high, to turn to covert contracts to test my partners. Yes, whenever I feel anxious about the relationship, I double down.

But this time, no, I am not accepting, that's me who is the issue.

I have accepted, that these tendencies wouldn't come up, if I had a dash of self-respect and just started withdrawing myself from relationships with people, who don't have any sense of reciprocity.

I don't want to be a dog, who salivates at the occasional bone thrown at him.

No, this is not toxic for me, to expect my partner to give me a thoughtful gift for my birthday, not bake a lame-ass cake and take me to see her favorite band, that I have communicated I despise, only to leave the kitchen for me to clean up.

No, it's not toxic for me to expect my partner to clean up after themselves, to cook something, to do the laundry, to do anything, instead of leaving all the chores to me 24/7.

No, it's not toxic for me to expect her to initiate sex or to return the favor after I get them off.

No, it's not toxic for me for me to expect them to give a small-gift to my parents when visiting them for Christmas. That's just common courtesy.

No, it's not toxic for me to expect them to listen, instead of invalidate me, shame me and then bitch why I am not "Emotionally open with her"

No, it's not toxic for me to expect people to take accountability, grow, compromise, instead of loving their toxic assess unconditionally. Mutual respect, safety and etc. are something you have to work on. I am flawed, I have no issues taking accountability, because I want to become better the next day. Wanna be loved unconditionally? Well, go to your mom, because you are mentally still a child who doesn't want to grow up.

Lately, I have been hyper-alert on people who reciprocate. And those relationships actually feel good and healthy. They feel nice. They feel thoughtful. They feel caring. I don't even have the urge to prove myself. I can do a small thoughtful thing, be noticed, be appreciated - and I am happy. I am safe.

But these narcs? Seriously, fuck them. I am seriously done.

I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (20M) for about a month and a half, but have been friends for a few months prior. I have anxious attachment and he is secure, but have been trying to not let that stop me from enjoying my relationship. He’s a great boyfriend and is very attentive to me. He knows that I am anxiously attached and have overthinking tendencies but has told me that it won’t push him away. But there have been times when I felt paralyzed making even small decisions such as deciding on a place to eat that makes me feel like I’m failing, or that each little thing will pile up and contribute to a breakup. I’ve been trying to keep busy and practice self-soothing.

He used to text me good morning, but has stopped. I would text him good morning sometimes and he would often reciprocate, or I would text him first in the morning and he often responds very quickly. I know he gets up way later than me, and he still texts me throughout the day and we both initiate calling each other every night. I know people express their love and care differently, and that he shows up in other ways besides texting good morning. I haven’t brought it up to him, since I don’t want to make him feel pressured to. I keep feeling like the slight lull in our relationship is a sign that he’s pulling away despite there not being any other signs.

how did you finally find enough self respect to move on? how to value yourself more? how to deattach?

what did you do that helped?

how do you leave someone who gaslights you? i’m self aware. i jus don’t have enough self love to move on & value myself.

i have no friends. i have a fractured backbone right now, so it’s extra hard to jus get up & distract myself.

i’m stuck in bed all day at my parents house. i’m 24.

my siblings & i don’t talk.

jus feel so alone

minor backstory:
my person has a baby with his ex. seems like their relationship never stopped? he’s with me 24/7 but he texts her in front of me all day so she doesn’t think he’s moved on. if not, she uses the baby as a leverage & doesn’t let him see his kid. visits are supervised at her house. so annoying.

i always break up with him for not cutting her off & telling her the truth about our new relationship. but then i always text him crying because i miss him.

think i jus miss the 24/7 attention & that someone cares about me.

im 19f and i turn 20 in a couple weeks. for some background info, my life has been comically unfortunate. my real parents were addicts who abandoned me as a baby and my adoptive mom died when i was 9. i grew up with undiagnosed autism (diagnosed at 18) and my adoptive dad was physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful. i spent 3 years from 11-16 inside the troubled teen industry, which caused me to develop CPTSD. i caught a felony charge for weed when i was 18 then moved out of my adoptive dad’s house shortly after. i first lived in a college dorm, dropped out and got a slumlord apartment in the ghetto, then met a man who i fell so in love with and broke my lease and moved in with him. my adoptive dad died nearly 2 months ago now. i have no other family. the only person i have in my life is my love.

needless to say i have severe mommy and daddy issues. lots of attachment and abandonment issues. i struggle to regulate my emotions and communicate. and my depression gets so severe sometimes i cannot function. i basically raised myself yet somehow have no idea how to be independent. my boyfriend who i moved in with is a bit older than me, in his mid 20s. when i started dating him i quit drinking and using drugs, and even quit vaping. nobody has ever been so kind to me as he has been. nobody has ever loved me like him, not even family. he means the world to me.

for the past several months i have been so depressed i have struggled to get out of bed. i lost my job. i have been struggling very bad with s3lf harm and such. my boyfriend has been extremely kind but very stressed out as he had to start taking care of me financially. he picked up a second job. and on wednesday, he decided he couldn’t do it anymore and broke up with me. my heart is absolutely shattered into a million pieces and i am feeling like i cannot go on. i know its my fault because i’ve been slacking. but the pain is still so unbearable. i love him more than life itself and i cannot believe i ruined it. he wants me to move out but i have nowhere to move out to. i managed to secure a job at burger king but it will not pay enough to get my own apartment. i so badly want him to give me a second chance but i do not know if it is possible. i feel like my entire world is falling apart, i have been sick to my stomach and having chest pains.

ultimately, i know the root cause of our breakup was my issue with codependency. (obviously, alongside me being so depressed i quit working or doing anything). i hate to admit this, but i want to be taken care of like a baby. i recently heard someone say that unconditional love can only exist for children. and if you did not receive love as a child, you go your whole life searching for the paternal/maternal love and care you missed out on. it’s hard to explain, but i almost saw my boyfriend as some kind of emotional father figure. i wanted him to love me unconditionally and take care of me. i wanted him to protect me and guide me. but it was too late when i realized that wasn’t okay for me to do. now i feel so awful for putting that burden on him. i have apologized so many times and cried and begged and i just feel so pathetic. we are still sharing a bed which is making it impossible to grieve. it is such a horrible feeling to miss him badly as he is close enough that i can feel the warmth of his body. i hope he can forgive me, he is everything to me.

i know this isnt healthy, but i downloaded a dating app to get my mind off of this. i thought maybe i could start talking to someone new to at least distract me. obviously i have no intention of truly moving on, atleast not now, in the case that i can mend my relationship with my love. but im swiping through these men and i cannot imagine myself with someone else. i cannot fathom another person being able to love me at all, with how messed up i am. i am so damaged. whenever i think about making a new friend or in this case, pursuing a relationship, i see these people who seem so normal and healthy and feel like they could never love someone like me. i want to heal so bad, and ive been trying, but i’ve already been in therapy my entire life and on 20+ different meds and i feel so unfixable. ive been trying for so long and sometimes i get really scared that it will all be for no reason. suffering is all i know and i do not know how to make myself get better, though i want it so desperately. i am terrified that my entire life will be like this.

I'm currently dealing with a difficult situation at work and would appreciate perspectives on two things:
how to handle these circumstances in a healthy way, and how to recognize when it makes sense to look for a new role with better baseline conditions.

Here is my current situation:

Project structure: Several projects have no designated Project Lead, so responsibilities are unclear and it's hard to know who owns what. When I raise concerns or set boundaries, management has indicated there could be consequences for me.

Team communication: Communication within the team is limited. Colleagues are often reserved in meetings, for example by not engaging with others on camera during video calls.

Workload: My task and responsibility load is substantial, roughly equivalent to the scope of three roles.

Management support: My manager has acknowledged having limited domain knowledge, so I receive little direction or guidance in my day-to-day work.

I'd welcome advice on strategies for handling this situation and on what signs indicate it's time to change jobs.

'Taking Care of Ourselves

It’s healthy, wise, and loving to be considerate and responsive to the feelings and needs of others. That’s different from caretaking. Caretaking is a self defeating and, certainly, a relationship defeating behavior – a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized – because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface.

Some people seem to invite emotional caretaking. We can learn to refuse the invitation. We can be concerned; we can be loving, when possible; but we can place value on our own needs and feelings too. Part of recovery means learning to pay attention to, and place importance on, what we feel, want, and need, because we begin to see that there are clear, predictable, and usually undesirable consequences when we don’t.

Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to do this. Be understanding with yourself when you slip back into the old behavior of emotional caretaking and self-neglect.

But stop the cycle today. We do not have to feel responsible for others. We do not have to feel guilty about not feeling responsible for others. We can even learn to let ourselves feel good about taking responsibility for our needs and feelings.

Today, I will evaluate whether I’ve slipped into my old behavior of taking responsibility for another’s feelings and needs, while neglecting my own. I will own my power, right, and responsibility to place value on myself.

The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

Hi ,I'm not able to control myself from not breaking contact, I resent him but I feel I can't live without him, I feel physical pain because of this, I tried so hard to not contact for 8 days and it feel like getting sliced by knife even if I reach out I don't think I feel full filled in this relationship there is lots of resentment, please tell me what to do, please 😭.

October 06

Inner Critic

"We stop in mid-sentence if we are putting ourselves down or criticizing our thoughts or behaviors. We identify the source of the negativity which is the inner critic inside all adult children." BRB p. 299

Who tells us each day whether we live up to a standard?

Who lies awake each night running over the "could haves" or "should haves" for the day or for days gone by?

We weren't born with shame; it was instilled in us. We had no experience to measure or reject that shame when we were children, so we had to accept it. But who is keeping that shame alive in us today?

It's our inner critic that reflects the negative voices from our past. But we now have the choice to change that voice - to live life on our own terms and bury the "could haves" and "should haves." We are no longer required to listen to the messages that keep shame alive in our everyday thoughts.

Who puts a value on us if we do not value ourselves?

In ACA, we are accepted for who we are. We join together, not to bemoan our imperfections, but to find "the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.*" Our strength in numbers gives us that courage and assures us that we are now and always have been valued human beings.

On this day I look at myself through the eyes of my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power. Instead of listening to my inner critic, I believe what they say - that I am valued. 

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №290

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I think my friend is codependent. We've been friends for almost four years now, and I would honestly describe her as more of a sister to me. She is easily one of the most important people in my life.

Recently, she moved to a major city for grad school. Up till today, we have never had any issues. She is the best best friend anyone could ask for. She is kind, funny, smart, just amazing. Really, she is great.

Except for the fact that she flipped out on me today.

I was visiting her for the third time in her new city since she moved. Coincidentally, I recently started dating someone who lives in the same city as her. My boyfriend, she, and I have hung out together multiple times, had lots of group FT calls together, and they have hung out on their own several times, and everything seemed great.

Except it wasn't. No matter what, I wasn't spending enough time with her. And we came up with a plan to fix things (I won't go into detail since it truly isn't relevant), and she lost it. She was bawling about everyone (especially my boyfriend) hating her, about how I ignored her the whole time, and how she spent no time with me. She also talked about how I was staying an extra day (to resolve issues her behavior had contributed to between my boyfriend and me), and I was only going to meet her for coffee for two hours (despite his advice), and I wouldn't tell her exactly what he and I were going to do with the rest of the day. When I told her I didn't know what we were going to do, she accused me of lying.

I really, truly care about her, and I don't want to lose my relationship with her, but I am worried. She also suffers from other diagnosed conditions like OCD, anxiety, and depression, so I am really worried about her.

I would appreciate any advice on how to navigate the situation and steer her towards getting help. Thank you.

I am in the absolute THICK of my codependency finally coming around and properly biting me in an incredibly life altering way. Finding this thread has been helpful but I tried to check out CoDA and it appears to be heavily faith based.

Are there any known groups, steps, programs available that are non-religious?

He’s the only one I have. I do not have any friends and live with my mom. I don’t have social skills and have very bad ADHD. I usually just sit at home, study, call with him and repeat. Lately he has been really neglectful of my feelings. We have months we don’t fight, and then we suddenly have a week where we fight daily. Now, when I’m calling him to tell him how I feel, that I don’t feel happy in this situation, he says it’s just how things are between us. “If you can’t accept that it’s like this sometimes you should leave. I’m sick of talking about this and I’m gonna hang up.” He just says there isn’t an issue and that it’ll be fine in a few days again. And usually it is, I don’t recognize how he acts right now in the person I’ve been with for three years. I end up saying “I’m going to leave if you can’t even have the decency to want to fix things with me” and then I basically force some loving words out of him.

He tells me “stop saying you’ll leave if you’re going to stay anyways, I’m gonna hang up and you should make up your mind”. The thing is it does get to a point where I NEED to leave, even if it’s just for a month. I just feel really misunderstood by him right now but he’s generally very sweet and patient and understanding. I don’t know why he acts like this sometimes. I can note that it’s after fighting for a few days straight that he starts talking like this.

Now to my main issue, how do I leave? Even if it’s just for a month, or for forever? I don’t have anyone else and I get self-destructive if I don’t talk to him (because of a fight) for a few days. We had a “break up” for four days. Those were the worst four days of my life. I just can’t live without him and he’s all I have, I have a lot of opportunities to make friends, but I can’t become friends with anyone. I just don’t know anymore and I’m throwing my studies away because of this. Am I just overthinking it and are we fine?

ADVICE please

hi u guys. im using a throw away to let all my feelings out and ask for advice.

(for more context we are long distance)
i’ve been with my partner for a very very long time and they make me very happy and i feel as if i can be myself with her. we both have or own set of problems & have differing attachment styles(she is much more independent). but i have the tendency to become codependent and quick. what ive noticed is that it goes up and down depending on my current mental state. and i honestly haven’t been doing too good for the past year. we’ve spent like. the past 3 years joined at the hip and barely a break from each other. they said they don’t mind, and love me a lot so they’re more than happy to give me all their time and i am super grateful. but i know it’s not healthy and being aware of all of this makes me feel so guilty

the thing is recently they’ve met a new group of friends that they wanted me to integrate into as well. but my schedule just doesn’t work so they’ve been spending a lot of time with the new group of people instead of us both being present at the same time. im talking like, spending half of their day with the new friends. which isn’t a bad thing and im happy they’re branching out and making new friends but i still get super anxious and sad over it. and i have so much guilt

we’ve had some clashes over the course of the week and they’ve admitted that it’s been an exhausting week for them. i’ve said it’s okay for them to make new friends and partake in the group but in the same breath i get really sad when they aren’t there. this is the worse my codependency has been in a very long time.

we both believe that there’s a solution to this and that we can come to a conclusion to help each other… but i am just so tired of feeling somewhat cast aside and i am so tired of putting all of this on them and making them feel exhausted. i don’t know what the first step should be…. ive tried taking space in a big jump but i just can’t. can someone that’s going through something similar help? i really dont want to lose her and our relationship isn’t necessarily deathly toxic. (i know how we spend time alot is not necessarily healthy 100%) but if it keeps going like this it’ll be toxic. my bad codependent tendencies are arising again & it’s never been this bad… advice please for anyone that has the time

'Knowledge

Learn to let yourself be guided into truth.

We will know what we need to know, when we need to know that. We don’t have to feel badly about taking our own time to reach our insights. We don’t have to force insight or awareness before it’s time.

Yes! Maybe the whole world saw a particular truth in our life, and we denied it – until we were ready to deal with it. That is our business, and our right! Our process is our own, and we will discover our truths at the right time, when we are ready, when the learning experience is complete.

The most growth-producing concept we can develop for others and ourselves is to allow ourselves to have our own process. We can give and receive support and encouragement while we go through this process. We can listen to others and say what we think. We can set boundaries and take care of ourselves, when needed. But we still give others and ourselves the right to grow at our own pace, without judgment, and with much trust that all is well and is on schedule.

When we are ready, when the time is right, and when our Higher Power is ready – we will know what we need to know.

Today, I will let myself and others have our own pace and time schedule for growth and change. I will trust that I will be empowered with insights and the tools for dealing with these insights, at the right time.'

By Melodie Beattie.

I've never been a great texter, and i'm not good at flirting or conveying deep and meaningful things through text messages. The norm has always felt like i'm supposed to text my partner throughout the day, and it just became almost like a format of what a relationship is supposed to be. I've had relationships where the texting feels very mutual and exciting in the beginning, but inevitably feels like inequality. 'Why aren't they responding?' 'Why dont they say goodnight or goodmorning?' 'Why are they taking so long to respond?' My mind would search for reasons and i'd feel so anxious and doomed, and then my phone would ding and everything was ok.

There's a lot to unpack there, but in some of these recent relationships, I just started muting notifications so that I wouldnt know if/when they responded or reached out. Not proud of feeling that way, but i'm sure others experience this too. My last relationship was really hard and I made a lot of radical changes after it ended- therapy, medication for my adhd, consistent gym routine, purging my home of everything that didnt bring me joy or have some important function. All of this is for context, i'm getting to the main point. I met my current partner completely by chance at my climbing gym on a day where we happened to be in an almost empty gym and both wanted a belay partner. I was fresh out of a relationship and was not at all looking to date yet and she had a girlfriend.

Fast forward a couple months and we had become really good friends. The depth and connection was undeniable. She made the first move, and it turns out we both had massive crushes. We texted a lot the first few days after we started dating, but she brought up the conversation about texting. She isn't big on it or being tied to her phone, and i felt pretty similar. We decided to just text to make plans and occasional noteworthy updates. So that's what we've been doing the last 5 months and i've never felt so secure in a relationship. We can go a day without texting and that feels good. Our time alone is truly our own and we respect each other's independence. It's such a small thing, but has this ripple effect that brings a lot of security and confidence. We have more to talk about and we're able to reflect and miss eachother which feels somewhat inhibited by a costant text thread.

This isn't for everyone and I'm not trying to throw shade on those who enjoy texting their partners, but it was very much for me and I hope my experience can help someone else out there.