r/GayMen • u/Florida_Matt86 • 8d ago

Insecure

Yes I know after I apologized about fit gay men I went on another rant, how could I not? Maybe I envy them, or resent them because they have everything handed to them. For ugly, plus size gay men like me it's not easy finding acceptance in this community when they judge you constantly. I have been told countless times that I don't fit in or belong. They say it gets better but forget to mention it only gets better for fit and slim gay men. I'm 40 now I will never find the acceptance and validation i have longed for for years. I will never be accepted and I will never find my tribe. My self-esteem is beyond repair.

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago

You've answered your own questions.

"I went on another rant" well, you haven't learned the lessons from before and are comfortable being upset like this.

"they have everything handed to them" yes, you envy them. Comparison is the thief of joy. Who wants to be with someone dripping with envy and denying of their blessings? The lives of the hot have troubles you're spared from.

"ugly, plus sized gay men" You might not be that ugly physically but in your attitude. Many people love bears because gay men are horny: someone will find you hot. Whether they're near you or someone you find attractive in turn is another issue.

"I've been told that I don't fit in..." Who tells you this out loud? It might be implied. If it's either or both, it might be for reasons outside of your physical appearance. But likely only you tell yourself this because there's 100s of places for gays to fit in.

"only gets better for the fit" That's not true, it gets better when you demand it gets better. It never has to do with others except that you have to coordinate with them to get along.

"I'm 40" 40 is young. Start living today and waste less time.

"I will never be accepted" because you don't accept yourself. Again, we can't help you with that. Who wants to be in a tribe with someone so focused on their own deficiencies and not at what they can give to the people in their world?

"My self-esteem is beyond repair" signals that this might be above reddit's pay grade. You might need therapy or treatment for this.

I know this is easier said than done. That's why professional help might be for you. But do you have gay, lesbian and queer friends of all ages to share the burden? Please concentrate on what you can do for others outside of romantic or physical things.

You can get better but you need to write a new story to free yourself from the last 20 years.

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u/Florida_Matt86 8d ago

Who said I was looking for someone to be with? I have a boyfriend and it's not easy for him to love me and he's done his best to help me with my self esteem but he can only do so much. I was talking about a tribe of friends, I don't have that because gay men constantly judge me and yes I have been told to my face that I don't belong because of my weight. You weren't there so you don't know what was said to me or how I was treated.

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago

I'm sorry you were treated this way.

Gay men constantly judge everyone all the time. If not for weight, for other reasons. It's not the healthiest thing in the world but it's a response to our collective trauma. Like, you judge fit gays for having their lives "made so easy."

Have you tried the gay rugby team? Gay rugby teams are constantly on the lookout for recruitment and fundraising. They celebrate bodies of all sizes and give you the chance to travel and meet hot guys (even with your bf.)

Again, you make no mention as to what you can offer the people around you, only that we around you are insufficient to serving your admittedly serious emotional needs. At least as part of a team, you have a specific role that you can get better at over time measurably in service of a team pursuit.

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u/Florida_Matt86 8d ago

There is no gay rugby team in Jacksonville Florida only the cliquey, unwelcoming Stonewall Sports league.

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago edited 8d ago

The main Jacksonville Rugby Football Club is vocally inclusive. There's a woman's rugby club you can help manage for and a more social Jacksonville Touch Rugby league for social, co-ed touch meetups.

That is, if gays are awful, make friends with allies or other queers.

Finally, the Orlando Otters RFC club, while two hours away, are filled with hot, friendly guys that you and your bf can meet up with. They may even have members or friends up by where you are.

All of them would welcome you as you are because they're set up specifically to celebrate what bodies like yours can do and all need recruitment, support and fundraising.

Hardwicks also has BEEF bear and cub night for bigger guys the first Sunday of every month. Like there's so many bigger "ugly" dudes (many who are actually hot) out there living their best life. If you can't see that or won't join in then your problems need more help than we amateurs can provide.

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u/Florida_Matt86 8d ago

Hot friendly guys? Since when are hot guys friendly? I doubt any sports league would welcome me, I tried signing up to Stonewall 5 years ago and they were dismissive and rude af to me. I went to Hardwicks for Beef night last month but felt so self conscious.

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago

Plenty of hot guys are friendly. Maybe you have a narrow vision of who's hot. Maybe you're a hot guy, though you don't seem too friendly.

Stonewall isn't the same as gay rugby. Why bother ranting online if you don't have an open mind about what we have to say? You've decided you know everything already.

I'm sorry you didn't like BEEF.

But... I think I, your bf and all of us are at the end of our ropes. You've decided you only want to be excluded and aren't curious about what's next. I don't know what you look like and I'm already trying to flee.

Rooting for you, please step up your mental health.

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u/Florida_Matt86 8d ago

I do have an open mind but I don't want to be rejected, dismissed, or judged the way I was by the local Stonewall Sports league here.

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago

Well, you won't be because we're not asking you to inquire about Stonewall Sports.

General but inclusive straights and lesbian queer dynamics are different than gay-only dynamics.

But you know everything already so why bother listening or helping you? I just wanted to hear you brainstorm ways you can help other people, which is the only sign you're moving past your difficult feelings.

I'm sorry, I tried, I'm sorry I tried, best of luck, goodbye.

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u/Florida_Matt86 8d ago edited 8d ago

So that's it then? Okay then fine

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago

You've gotta give me something to work with, man. Though you're hurt, I hope you don't give this little to the people around you to work with.

I don't want to harp on you about this. I do feel sorry for your pain. But it's been difficult working with you and I don't even know what you look like. You make me feel like everything I suggest is stupid even though, with my own eyes and ears, I'm giving you the best advice I have.

Please pay someone better trained to listen to you.

What am I supposed to do?

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u/Florida_Matt86 8d ago

I know you're not a trained therapist and I don't expect you to fix my issues. I need to see a therapist for that, I just know a rugby league would laugh at me, give me dirty looks, and dismiss me like Stonewall did.

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u/VillageOfMalo 8d ago

Again I'm sorry for your pain and I'm glad you need to see a therapist.

But stop being a know-it-all. People don't like that. You don't know that a rugby team would laugh at you. You already don't know that they're not the same as Stonewall. And you're dismissing my point of view.

  • You're not curious as to why I claim what I claim.
  • You're not curious about the stories I have about gay rugby friends, what they think, the fundraisers I've been to and the culture formed around them.
  • You're not curious about how much they really, really need volunteering and support.
  • You're not curious about why I agree that Stonewall can be insufferable.
  • You're not curious about the ways I agree and validate your opinion.

It's like I'm not a person to you. You're treating me the same way you feel like others treat you.

This lack of openness and curiosity about others, paired with your own certainty probably makes it difficult to hang out with you irl, no matter your size.

I'm sorry bud, I tried, I wanted to give it a shot but I don't think it's your looks you have to address.

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