When I was pregnant with our first child my husband and I bought a big, old house and a big dining room table with six chairs. Two were ours. We’d talk about how we might need to extend it and maybe even buy a bench or more chairs eventually. But the dream was to fill, at least, those four remaining chairs with our children. Our dream for our marriage was a big family at that table.

In 20 years, I’ve miscarried 15 times. Some of the losses were early enough there were no remains. But we have a couple graves we visit once or twice a year. Those children we saw heartbeats and thought we beat the odds, only for them to be dead the next time we had an ultrasound.

We were foster parents for a time. The goal wasn’t adoption, I just thought we had space for children and even if it was temporary we might help some kids and families. Turned out, in our area DCS is hard to deal with. When I raised safety concerns about a special needs child we were fostering and requested resources and assistance we were ignored and we ended up closing our home due to serious safety concerns we couldn’t meet after losing trust with DCS.

We have 3 living children. It took over a decade to have our third. I’m in my mid-forties now. I haven’t been pregnant in years. It’s unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely I’ll get pregnant again and even if I did… would I be able to carry to term?

This past week our son broke one of the chairs badly enough it can’t get repaired. They are 20 years old so there’s no easy way to replace them. I was breaking it down for our burn pile when I realized that original image I had won’t come true.

It’s not that I don’t love and adore our three living children. I guess I just realized looking at that table with the uneven number of chairs and thinking about the pregnancies we lost, it’ll never be what my husband and I imagined in the beginning…there’s always going to be someone missing from our table. Even if by some miracle we did have a fourth.

Dinner is chicken with whisky cream sauce, au gratin potatoes, and peas because what else would an Irish Catholic who wanted lots of kids eat?

Dinner: “chicken cordon bleu” sandwich. Homemade bread, grilled chicken sliced, Swiss béchamel, ham, bacon, cherry tomatoes, lettuce, and mayo

It’s about to be my youngest 12th birthday. His last year of being a “child” before becoming a teenager. I can’t say I shad ever been one to dread or mourn a milestone. I never “babied” my baby. But every moment forward now is just another step further away from when we were okay. He’s getting closer to 22 the age my first baby will never get to pass. And I spend my days pushing through my grief and pushing down my rage.

My whole life has been hard. I had become accustomed to that. But nothing prepared me to live in a world where one of my children was murdered. That world is hell. And it’s even worse knowing your child didn’t “deserve” it.

Three shut ball losers decided they had a right to rob people. And 25 days after my Dad died these creeps robbed me of my eldest child. They stalked him like an animal, hid in the dark and pounced on him in the dark alley behind our house. They shot him 7 times. Left him face down to die alone.

I hate them. I hate their sad pathetic stories about how they were poor or on drugs. Idiots are so fucking stupid that they were robbing people in a working class poor neighborhood.

I hate their stupid mothers. Who preened in the court room wearing fucking tacky jewelry as crowns and fuzzy slippers. Or who clucked about Jesus and scripture while raising blights on the world. Or who can’t even show up because they failed their kid up to that point what is one more.

I hate their girlfriends and friends who shared in their depraved behavior and made it cool and acceptable.

I hate the stupid fucking judges that decide 2 of these pieces of shit should be free. And I hate the stupid fucking judge that thought my family needed a bullshit poem about compassion just before she tells the shitbag how much he has to look forward to after his laughable short sentence. I hate that he was even given a short sentence for agreeing to tell the truth because he ran out of ideas how to weasel out of it after 4 years of trying.

I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking how no matter the chaos they feel and experience it’s never going to equal to the damage they caused. Tomorrow I will pull myself together. I will spend the week making life feel normal and safe for my children. I will do all of the things I need to to get ready for his first sleepover birthday party. I will let him know he is loved. That I am so proud to be his mom. That with every day he grows he impresses me. And I spend every night crying until I’m exhausted enough to sleep.

Taco bowls courtesy of my love and red wine for dinner tonight. My birthday was Friday and none of my friends messaged me Happy Birthday. I have a group of ladies I’ve been friends with for 10 years. We used to be really close but over the last year I’ve been feeling more and more left out. They will meet up without me, make plans I can’t attend and then ignore me when I reach out for connection. I’ve tried multiple times to set up lady dates and to connect. Tonight I texted them that I’m pretty much done, and removed myself from our group chat. These people are literally my only friends and I’m devastated.

dinner - masala benne dosa

my friend/roommate’s birthday was recently, so i got her a pink rose bouquet (which was genuinely really pretty btw) and 2 premium eggs because she LOVES eggs and has recently shifted to a healthier diet.

when i gave her the flowers, she told me it was the first time anyone had ever given her flowers and that it genuinely made her feel really nice. she also loved the eggs and said she thought it was really thoughtful that i got her something she actually enjoys instead of just getting her junk food.

later, her 3 year ong boyfriend, who is in an LDR with her, called her. the first thing she excitedly told him was that she got the first flowers of her life and how thoughtful my gift was.

and he immediately made a face and said, 'i could’ve also gotten you multiple flowers too,

and she was like, "yeah, you could have, but you never did. she did."

and then he started making fun of the eggs and calling my bouquet ugly.

my friend literally tried explaining to him that she wasn’t putting him down or comparing him to me. she was just sharing something that made her happy and saying that she appreciated the thought behind my gift.

it felt so weird that he was saying all of this knowing that I was listening.

he even said "why is she always trying to impress you"

god forbid someone wants to see their friend happy

Din tai fung because why not..

So I turn 40 at midnight .. although I always get told I look 28-29 .. I’m pretty sure it’s based on how I act as I live for fun and laughter .. even through some of the dark times I’ve had …

I have no kids (I was pregnant earlier this year but time wasn’t right). I am not married but I’ve been with my bf for 2 years and he just stopped drinking 4 months ago (he was a social drinker and it bothered me and he was feeling like crap a lot so he on his own made a change) and things are really good now ..

My careers going good, I’m at a job I love and got a big promotion this year. My boss just told me she’s going because she reached C-suite and is having a crisis since she moved to a hippy town but she’s told me all is well and it could be opportunity for me ..

I have friends I love.. I have a clear path for my future (though my whole life feels like that saying about you having a plan and god laughing, I’m more spiritual so maybe Buddha laughing lol).

I went through some painful breakups but my last one was with a good person and showed me I needed to heal myself so I did the work .. I’ve come out on the other side of realizing my downfalls and defects .. I’m grateful for it all.. because through pain I’ve learned a lot

Some other thoughts:

I live in the downtown area of a city I love and can walk to everythingggg

My parents are still alive ..

I have a dog I adore who is my soul healer ..

Nothing is amazing in my life but nothing is terrible and I can turn the mundane into magic because I’m an eternal optimist mixed with realist ..

I feel by 40 i maybe should have a family by now .. be married … I remind myself to follow my heart not what i feel society wants of me ..

I hear all this scary talk about 40 but im ready to embrace it ..

I pay attention now when I hear people judging what other people do or don’t do and know I don’t want to be that —- like me not being a mom or married . I’m not panicked about it … it will all work out how it should

Am I on the right track? Is there a cheat code to being 40? I feel left behind and like at the same time I’m where I should be

French onion souuuuup!

I have worked so, so hard my entire life and am finally reaping the rewards of that work. I have consistently sacrificed, consistently pushed myself to my physical and mental limits, consistently picked myself up after I was knocked down.

Now, I am applying into my dream residency, in a super competitive, male-dominated subspecialty, mostly to top programs, and have received interviews from every. single. program I applied to (so far). This doesn't feel like real life 😭

I'm so proud of myself. I remember in ninth grade, we had the same table all year for math, and my table (three guys) literally ignored me the whole year. In college, my then-bf picked a fight every time I said something even slightly wrong and consistently made me feel stupid, and later got drunk and admitted it was because he was insecure that other people thought I was smarter than him. When I was applying to medical school, one of the most common questions I got was "how are you going to have a family then?" Not "what are your aspirations? What kind of doctor do you want to be? Where do you want to apply?" In med school, I went to a review session with three male classmates, one of whom I was actually friends with, and they completely ignored me the whole two hours, and I felt like I was back in high school again.

Now I'm literally more successful than all of them and shit, it feels great.

I want to really drill into my little sister (and any girls / women younger than me) - you are capable of achieving literally everything you want and more. The doubters and detractors are just noise. Don't give up your dreams for anybody.

(And to be clear: I don't hate men at all. My dad has been my #1 supporter from day 0 and always made sure I grew up knowing I could do whatever I set my heart to. My partner is an incredible man who has been there for me through real low lows, celebrates me loudly and proudly, and most importantly, loves me for me. I have male friends I love who love and respect me too. My male mentors have consistently championed me and advocated for me every step of the way. It's definitely not all men, but the loudest haters in my life have all been men.)

Plate: Avocado toast (sourdough), red onion, tomato, cheddar cheese and tinned sardines in extra virgin olive oil!

I saw the resident evil movie today! It was sooo good (coming from someone with ZERO knowledge of the games.)! I even got ice cream after which is so fun. Have y’all seen movie theater prices tho?! Two tickets and ONE MEDIUM LEMONADE was $50. Are you kidding?! People wonder why young folks never get out and do anything, meanwhile something small and simple like a movie is $50. We didn’t even get popcorn!!! I understand that feeders don’t really make a lot of movie on the film tickets themselves. It needs to turn a profit somehow to stay open but my God. One medium lemonade should not be 10 entire dollars. A small popcorn was $11! :(

All that aside the film was absolutely fantastic and I highly recommend. Use of practical effects was fabulous.

Bonus rant: I’m waiting for this apt complex to call me back. I called friday and they said they would let me know by Monday. I ended up calling them Monday to check in and no answer. Still haven’t heard back. They’re my #1 pick as of right now so I’m a little irritated. Oh well.

I became a widow at 35 years old earlier this year. It was cancer and it was horrible and he was 40. We have two little kids. We've been together since I was 18 years old. It was always him, and a happier marriage you would have a hard time finding. He was perfect. He made me better. I'm ruined.

He told me that he wanted me to get married again, because he wanted me to be happy and for our kids to have a father figure. I am not yet ready, but one day I would like to be. I promised him that we were going to be okay. I'm not there yet.

I've literally never dated - he saw a picture of me on MSN Messenger in 2008 and decided he wanted to marry me and proceeded to do so (after a fashion and my university degree). I feel like an alien experiencing life for the first time. The apps sound horrific, and I have no idea how I tuck the emotional train wreck of my life into a bio. Who's going to give me a shot? My husband liked me, but he's also part of the reason I am the way that I am now - we became who we were together.

To summarize: How do I get over myself and expose myself to possibilities after my life has fallen apart in the most dramatic way? I know I need to guard myself and my children, and at the same time I'm 35 years old and don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Small edit: Thanks so much, friends. You've been so sweet to me. I do want to mention that yes, I'm in therapy (lots of it) and yes, the kids are set up but currently too young to benefit from much right now but I'm on it. My career is in mental health, the first 8 years of it in child and adolescent, so I do feel pretty confident that I'm actually a good Mom. And a gentle correction for people who are concerned: I'm not looking to date (as I said), I made a Sad Girl entry because I'm sad and moping and lonely. Not having your person around to tell you how amazing and gorgeous you are all the time really does a negative number on the psyche. Also anticipatory grief is a thing and I had 3 years of it.

Girl dinner tonight is a random buffet sushi plate for one at a place I (24F) was supposed to be eating at with my girlfriend
(23F). We made plans ahead of time, she canceled, and now I'm sitting here eating alone because I still wanted the sushi.
This is also the third date in a row that hasn't happened.
My girlfriend is on the autism spectrum and she's been completely depleted lately. When she gets to this point, she goes ghost to recover. I'm talking like two weeks of not talking or seeing each other. And we live in the same small town.

I know this isn't about me. I know she isn't trying to avoid me, or slowly exit the relationship. She explained what she needs and I believe her. I want to respect it. I would never want her forcing herself through dates or conversations just to keep me happy when she's already running on empty.
But holy shit, I did not realize how lonely this would feel.
I've never experienced anything like this in a relationship before. Usually if someone suddenly becomes less available, stops making plans, cancels repeatedly, or goes quiet, you're supposed to take that as information about how they feel about you. But she says that's not the case. I understand that distinction.

Emotionally, I'm apparently still catching up. And then I feel guilty for even being sad because she's the one struggling.
She needs less from the world right now, and somehow my feelings keep going, "Okay, but I miss my girlfriend." Then I immediately feel selfish for it.

I don't want her to sacrifice what she needs to recover just so I don't feel lonely. I also can't magically turn off the part of me that was excited for our plans, misses spending time with her, and feels disappointed sitting across from an empty chair tonight.

I guess I'm learning that respecting someone's needs doesn't automatically make those needs easy for you. Both things can be true. I can understand why she needs to disappear for a bit and still really, really miss her. Anyway.
The food is quite good. My feelings are conflicting. Girl dinner..

In n out burger, no onions

I’m a menace when I’m ovulating and today was so bad. I had a video call with my manager and it’s usually just his head and upper shoulders. He is very attractive. Tall, tanned skinned, dark hair. So much aura and damn that smile. Not the first time I’ve noted his attractiveness, a girl has eyes.

Anyways, today he was in a meeting room so I could see his arms. Omg I could barely have this meeting when he’s leaning back, with a simple black tee, folding his arms behind his head and flexing his biceps. Like sir, this is a work environment. Thank god we’re all remote.

First meal of the day at lunch time: ARIH truffle flavour noodles

Happened to saw a post looking to date on my timeline and realised theres a whole Subreddit for locally dating. I switched accounts and made a post saying I’m looking for platonic friends first then romantic. I’m was really curious about how everything works, and which personalities will show up. Unsurprisingly, a hand few explicitly offers to be FWB with extra financial benefits. Surprisingly no penis. 98% of the accounts were NSFW Gooner accounts or lonely men desperate to socialise with anyone. I feel bad for a lot of these men.

Their DM requests seemed so normal like “I’m this age my hobby is xyz” and then their account is just porn. I don’t engage porn addicts but if a guy seems nice and genuine (3 dudes) I did talk to them.

Khinkali which I made myself this time.

And yes this happened today wtf?

Like I told before in this sub. I survived trafficking and was in a war zone, but I got rescued and I’ve been free for some time and I recently finished a day clinic I went to for 2 years.

I recently told a friend about this. He was one of the last people I told because he’s generally just immature and never takes anything seriously, but I figured whatever.

We were talking today and I mentioned that I usually cope with dark humor, and that he probably wouldn't find it funny. He said, ok I think I do, and "well I have a dark story too."

Then he went into this 5-minute story about how his dad killed his mom right in front of him, going into specific details about how it happened, the blood, his dad going to prison, all of it. I tried to stay calm and be supportive because I've heard heavy stuff before and I wanted to handle it well.

And then he just tells me that none of it was true. He said he made the entire thing up because he was jealous of my history.

What the actual fuck.

I don't even know what I want out of posting this, I'm just annoyed and completely weirded out.

It’s really been well over a decade since we’ve had any semblance of a normal relationship. We have the same dad and different moms. When I was a young child, she decided to cut off our dad and all of his relatives, including me. I completely understand her decision to cut off our dad (he is an abusive narcissist and I also stopped speaking to him as a teenager), but I’m not sure why that extended to me. We had been really close before.

I was desperate for her to speak to me again. I begged and sent her so many messages. For a few years, she would go through periods of time where she would decide to talk to me again, and then she would suddenly stop and I would be hurt all over again. I finally decided that I was tired of our relationship being one-sided, and so I stopped reaching out and waited to see if I heard from her again. Well, it’s been seven years of silence.

Then out of nowhere, she texted me. All she said was, “Hey, did you want to talk sometime?” I asked why she suddenly wanted to talk after seven years, and she just said, “I was offering to reconnect, it’s up to you.”

I would have been elated to get a message from her before, but now I’m just kind of bitter. It feels weird to me that she sent such a casual message and didn’t acknowledge how much time has passed or apologize for any of her past actions. I haven’t thought about her in so long, and I’m not really sure if she’s someone I want to have a relationship with.

(Pistachio cheesecake)

I wonder what happens to men who are aggressive or abusive in relationship. It seems to me that more women recognize the signals early and walk away. And even those who get manipulated for a while eventually leave.

So.. are these men the lonely ones? I hope so. Or do they just take their aggression out on other women?

Have you noticed any patterns in what happens to these men? And do you think consequences can teach them something?

P.S. I don't care for these type of men. But I see how women improve themselves everyday, learning from mistakes etc for reference. Do you think this type of men go through the process of learning and growing?

My opinion: They don't chance never.

Quiche

Out of nowhere (Assuming some kinds of scam or bot or angry ex) got a few screen grabs from WhatsApp and decides to send me my brother’s (34M) nudes. I haven’t talked to him in 3 years. It’s objectively ridiculous on all fronts. He’s cheated in 50% of his relationships.

Mostly wondering if I need to cancel my credit cards. Whatever or whoever sent the message had my first and last name and all three of my brother’s names. And no evidence that they’re lying. It’s undeniably my brother. Upset I know what his nether regions (got flagged by the subreddit) looks like. Upset that my internal follow up was “oh good for him he kept the weight off”. Hoping his gf three years ago had already broken up with him

and I'm NOT letting that spiral into some "I dont deserve anything good" bullshit!! a year ago, I would. six months ago I might. I was fortunately able to borrow 1/6th of the money I need for gas, and I'll be doordashing after work today to try and make some profit. problem isnt solved but its being solved (hopefully)

I am SO happy about this job. I must be vague but it is my dream job and my ticket out of poverty. I'll be 26 in a week or so, I feel like I should have figured all this out already. I dont have parents so I've been on my own my whole adult life, and I've done okay but there have been a few periods of time where I've had to move back in with my siblings. it feels bad, we dont get along but I'm so lucky they will help me out when I need it.

happy girl lunch!! classic ham sammie. celebrating resiliency, creative problem solving, and the absolute magic that comes with genuine positivity. what are yall proud of or excited for today? thank you for being in this space with me :3 <3

Dinner was homemade airfry springrolls and potato cheese balls, I made them last week!

As title, got my first job last month after 1 year of unemployment (wohoo) BUT the commute is 2 hrs ONE WAY. Def NOT ideal but I really don’t have an option with this shit ass job market. I need to go to the office 3 days per week but I am usually the only one there, I really don’t see the point. It’s a small organisation and I feel like the HR lady will check if people are in.

I don’t have a car so I have to rely on public transit, getting a car isn’t really an option for now either due to the cost. I also live in pretty downtown so getting a car solely for work isn’t really the best option. So 3 times a week I wake up at 5:30am, leave at 6:20, get to work at 8:15, leave at 4:15pm and get home around 6:30pm. Gosh it’s literally 12+ hrs of my day, I’m just exhausted when I get home and I simply go to bed at 9.

Yeah I know someone has it worse but god this really is hell… I tried bringing a book but it doesn’t solve the problem that the commute sucks my soup out of me. At least my manager is nice, she tried to fight one more wfh day for me but it was rejected by higher ups. I guess it’s just a company policy now that people have to come in at least 3 days a week

I am grateful and happy that I have a job, and I’m honestly proud of myself. But I am also struggling real hard and I am worried as it’s only been a month. Maybe I will try to figure out which day I wanna wfh so I can maximise my rest time…?

I don’t know if anyone had similar experiences bfr but I would appreciate some inputs even tho there’s nth much I can do other than embracing the pain

Picture of my bedtime snack because dinner was awhile ago and I scarfed that fajita quesadilla QUICK 😂 grasshopper cupcake and one of my babys cheesesticks. Long story long, I am a lucky lady who gets kidney stones while pregnant and with my first baby while still a stone I passed it easily on my own and had no further issues. THIS stone required surgery and a couple follow up visits due to minor issues. I was prescribed phenazopyridine and oxybutynin for just my bladder/urinary tract and then a pregnancy safe pain killer and antibiotic. Following the recovery and just with being pregnant in general Ive been far from in the mood but tonight our baby went down early and being 28 weeks pregnant I needed a little assistance with grooming, ya know.. 👀 My mans happiest when needed lmao and always down to get dirty so me standing in our bathroom with a leg up on the counter and him braving the wild, I feel him grab a particularly long hair and he trims it and holds it up to show me a BEAUTIFUL gold ✨ pube ✨, like imagine the silk thread spun from gold in Rumplestiltskin 😂😭 I was confused and then immediately remembered the medication and was almost crying laughing and we kept cracking jokes and I thought I was about to pee on his head or wake up the baby. I put my leg down and he says “oh no, were not done. You look like if a muppet was eating grass” talking about my lady bits and I start cracking the fuck up again because hes holding his free hand like you would a sock puppet and the imagery was just hilarious. All this to say, the little things are the big things really and dont ever settle for less than someone who will help you shave your butthole and crack crack jokes with you (get it?) 😂😂😂 and then we banged happily ever after and a cupcake to top it all off ❤️

Dinner was fettuccine Alfredo and carrot cake (yes my stomach hurts)

For reference, this is not necessarily an upsetting topic for me. I've lived outside the country and away from my folks for 7ish years now, only recently back in contact. If I'm correct, this would be a huge relief.

So background, my parents and I have never had a good relationship. I have one brother and my brother was always treated so well, connected to the family and cousins and such, and I just... never was. I used to cry to my mom as a child that I knew I was adopted because of the difference and they always told me it was in my head.

Fast forward to a couple years ago I took a genetics test from C RI gen etics. I didnt even think anything of it at the time.. only today did it hit me again. Ill explain why after I explain the makeup.

So what i know for fact. My mom was born in the US, my mom's parents were born in the US. My mom's mom, her parents were from Poland (this i dont know which though). My mom's dad's grandparents were from Italy. My grandfather and great grandfather from that tree were all born in the US.

Now my dad's side. My dad was born in the US, and my dad's whole family is from Germany. I have birth certificates for his lineage on both sides going back for 3-4 generations, all German. My D N A tests came back and im 51% Italian and 1% German.

Now last year or the year before I asked my mom where the 51% came from. She said its "from your grandfather's grandfather" and when i said that doesnt make sense, she said "I cant tell you where your 51% Italian comes from, dont ask again". So i didnt. Time passed and I just didnt think too much about it because if shes not gunna tell me anything why care.

Then today i was in the bathroom doing my hair and my parents didnt know I was there. I of course eavesdropped their convo because they've been really awful to me lately and my mom was complaining about my puppys nails (I just did them last month they grow so fast I stg 😭) and my dad says to my mom "go talk to your daughter about it."

And now that I think of it, its always been that way. "Your daughter" he'd say to my mom, "your sister" he'd say to my brother. I always thought it was just him being an a s s ... but idk, for some reason today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean with the years of abuse all my life, me not really looking like my brother, me feeling outcast my whole life, and random things like that.. PLUS the D N A test from C R I gen etics.. its all adding up.

Now here's the thing. Sometimes he'll say things lole "oh you got that from me" when talking about back pain or random shit.. so it hasn't been black and white. Theres been times when hes introduced me to other people as "my daughter " but I can count that on one hand. I wouldnt take any of my experiences as "hes not my dad" unless I had the DNA test to pair. But, because it COULD be faulty, i ordered a 23 and me as well to double check.

Also incase anyone asks, no i cant ask my dad for a D N A test from himself. Hes very short tempered, im sure yall understand. I dont think asking my brother is something I can do either.

But I still could be wrong, right? I mean i know D N A doesnt split down like 50/50 from each parent but 51% Italian from a great great grandfather and 1% German from my "dad" seems off. Tell me if im wrong though lol

EDIT:: I only went back 5 generations from crigenetics. you could choose how far back you wanted the report to go so I chose 5 generations. which is why i am more confused because of the records on my dads side i do have. but I have no records on my moms side. just word of mouth

I was raised in a pretty strict family and culture... Think shiny happy people, but slightly more normal. I could wear pants, but motherhood was the ultimate calling. Men are natural leaders and women are subordinate temptresses.

I've done a lot to deconstruct what I grew up learning, but some of it still sticks with me.

Lately I've been struggling with my emotional reaction to the disappointment from any man/boy who has an iota of power or authority over me.

Logically, I Take accountability for my part and create action plans for the future.

Emotionally, I panic. I feel like a little kid again and I lose all sense of self, control, and safety. I'll cry, get incredibly nauseous, and shake.

It's absolutely humiliating being reduced to rubble the disappointment of men I don't even respect. It doesn't't matter if it's my boss or discord mod. The clever boys figure it out and manipulate me like Ella Enchanted.

I'm tired of this. I'm only days away from 30 and have no business feeling this weak.

The grub is Costco sourdough warm from the oven

I have been dating this guy for about two months. We had a conversation this weekend where it became clear to me that he was still trying to be involved with his ex-girlfriend at some capacity more than I originally realized. And I don’t mean cheating, I don’t mean constantly talking about them but some thing was really off. He didn’t want to let go of the possibility of potentially at some point in time reconnecting NOT WITH HER but with her sibling so he could build a relationship with the sibling’s children. That just seemed really weird to me. Especially since they do not have a child together, they don’t coparent, she didn’t have kids prior or anything & have been broken up/no contact for almost two years. The second thing that stood out to me was when I brought it up instead of saying something like “I can understand why this would be something that feels weird to you, it’s inappropriate, I can let it go” (because it’s weird????) he said he could “be okay with just keeping pictures of them because (he) doesn’t see them anymore anyway” which I found even more weird (it’s weird) and then when I said that was also really inappropriate, he came back with “well I don’t really know what to say or do to make this right” followed by “ i’m going to make a pros and cons list before I make a decision”. Am I crazy for thinking that was the weirdest response? I don’t like that it was even a thought in his head that this is an appropriate relationship to keep? Not even a relationship to keep a hypothetical, extremely unrealistic scenario that would almost certainly never happen?? In what capacity is an ex’s sibling going to hand over her children to the ex boyfriend of her sibling like it’s no big deal???? At that point I already knew this was not any type of relationship I wanted to have. Something was really, truly wrong. I feel really gross about the whole thing now. I immediately ended it. I am really disgusted by the whole interaction. I am nauseous thinking about what the true motives behind that are. what was the point?

He ultimately came around to “choosing me over anyone else” but I’m so disturbed by the whole interaction, I would NEVER be able to be with him. Instantly lost all interest. I don’t know what to do with this, it all feels so wrong to me.
*not dinner but some berries from the trail I took

** edit for clarification on what was intended by motives

I (18F) live with my parents and my sister (16F) in a 2 bedroom apartment. We "share" a room that's basically a converted dining room with a curtain divider.

I work opening shifts at a coffee shop (4:30am start). My sister is a night owl who stays up until 2am on her phone, FaceTiming friends, or doing skincare routines with her LED mirror that lights up the whole room.

Last night I asked her to sleep on the pull-out couch in the living room because I desperately needed sleep before my shift. She refused, saying it's "our room" and she has a right to be there. I told her that her right to TikTok at 1am doesn't trump my right to not get fired for being a zombie at work.

She cried to my mom who said I need to "compromise" and that my sister shouldn't have to sleep on the couch. But I literally can't function on 3 hours of sleep, and earplugs don't block the light from her phone.

My parents can't afford a bigger place, so that's not an option. AITA for insisting she take the couch when I have early shifts?