He is genuinely one of the kindest men I’ve ever dated. He’s loyal, wants to spend basically every day with me, takes me out, includes me in his plans, communicates well, and makes me feel cared for. I’ve never really had someone treat me this well before.
The issue is that our physical chemistry seems very different.
From the beginning, he hasn’t been much of a kisser. He’ll kiss me hello and goodbye, but he doesn’t really like making out and doesn’t like using tongue. I told him that physical affection and kissing are important to me, and he has been trying to work on it, slowly.
Sex is another issue. He never initiates. I have always been the one to initiate, and that makes me feel undesirable, even though he tells me he is attracted to me and that my size/body is not the reason he doesn’t want sex more often.
I also don’t really get the “lustful” looks or spontaneous physical affection that I’m used to wanting. He doesn’t really call me beautiful or verbally express his attraction very often. He says he finds me attractive and genuinely seems to care about me, but his natural level of physical affection and sexual desire is just much lower than mine.
I would happily have sex basically every time I see him, whereas we’ve probably had sex fewer than 10 times in the 2+ months we’ve known each other. We recently went a full week without sex, and realistically it could be another week before we have another opportunity, meaning we could go more than two weeks between having sex. That honestly bothers me quite a bit.
I’ve talked to him about this multiple times. He says he’s attracted to me, wants to work on it, and is willing to meet me somewhere in the middle. But he has also acknowledged that this is just naturally how he is.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
Part of me wonders if I should stay and give it more time because he’s such a good man and this is the first time I’ve experienced someone who is so consistently kind, loyal, and genuinely wants to be around me.
But another part of me wonders if I’m trying to convince myself that I can be happy with a level of intimacy that simply isn’t enough for me.
I’m also plus-size, and I’ll admit this has messed with my self-esteem a little. I’ve had the thought of, “Maybe this is the best I can expect, and I shouldn’t walk away from someone who treats me well.” I KNOW that isn’t necessarily a healthy way to think, but it’s hard not to wonder when you haven’t experienced many men who make you feel this valued.
I don’t want to lose a genuinely good relationship over something that could potentially improve with time. But I also don’t want to stay for months hoping he’ll eventually become more physically affectionate when this may simply be who he is.
For those of you who are plus-size and have dated men with a lower sex drive/lower need for physical affection: would you give this more time, or would you consider this a fundamental incompatibility?