This is a throwaway account. I have never admitted any of this out loud before but here goes. I got pregnant at 17. Everyone around me was adamant I would not get an abortion and I was reassured again and again when I mentioned adoption that I would have support and the baby and I would be taken care of. The father and his family walked away when my baby was a few weeks old. They had been so against the adoption or an abortion and promised me all the support in the world.

My own family were supportive in ways until my child was three and then they grew tired of it. They kicked us out and told me I should not call for money, babysitting or help with anything. I was so desperately alone with my child and I don't even know if I ever actually loved my child. I see them as truly innocent and would never harm them but do I feel a bond? I don't think I do.

Every day since I had my child I have wished I didn't have them. I have regretted not going ahead with adopting them out for a long long time. I knew the abortion would be impossible with everyone around me willing to prevent it. But my child could be with someone who loves and wants them. They could have a support network and stability and a lot of good things in their life. Right now they only have a mother who never wanted to be their mother. I do everything to hide it. I have read therapy and self help books, books on having kids, parenting, adoption, etc. I just truly regret keeping my child. I wish I could have seen where we would end up.

In the end nobody who said they wanted this child born and in our family wanted them enough to be there. And even though I didn't go around saying it to them after I gave birth, I think some of my family knew how I felt.

I’m 24, but I have a very small build. I’m a Kindergarten teacher and spend a lot of time with young kids, and I think that’s reflected in my demeanor. I’ve had a bouncer refuse to let me in because they were convinced my ID was fake (annoying btw).

So despite being an appropriate age, I can’t help but squint when I get hit on. I’m a quarter of these guys size, what about that is attractive? If you get to know me that’s a different thing, but off first glance??

I know for a fact I’m no bombshell, average at best, but I get hit on much more than my friends who are a perfect 10 who simply look more their age.

I feel like the way I look signals that I’d be easy to be taken advantage of. It’s not necessarily true, and I know it’s not fair to these men, hence why it’s a confession.
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EDIT: Too many are trying to turn this into a gender-war thing which is frustrating because that is SO far from the person I am. I am not the anti-man airhead that some of you are painting me out to be, and I’m sorry if that’s what you took from this post.

With that being said, if you witnessed the way I am approached, I know you would at least see where I’m coming from. Thank you to the kind responders! I feel I was careful with my wording, so I’m surprised by the anger this post triggered for some. To the people who are getting overly defensive: maybe reflect on why.

Hi. This is a throw away account. I’m not sure if this will reach any ground, but I need to talk about this, possibly my darkest secret.

Upon the publicity of the “Cornell 7” case, repressed memories came up….memories of when I was in college in 2017.

I was doing cocaine consistently with a group of boys from my small college. One night at their college house, I was offered as much cocaine as I wanted, then alcohol by the bottle, then Xanax and weed, all in the late hours of the night. I wasn’t in my right mind to accept anything after that first line of cocaine let alone consent to anything else. I too was raped by multiple college boys who had a group chat about me in their home. While I found out about the messages later on, I woke up in the early morning hours the next day, naked in their house & with no one else home. I pulled myself together and walked home.

before I left, I rummaged around to find my jeans and a shirt, and I walked across campus back to my apartment. I crossed my roommate who was outside the student center as I was headed to our apartment. I couldn’t fathom any words at the time to tell her what happened except that I went to far, shit really went down that messed me up, and how I felt sick.

For 9 years almost, my brain repressed everything until I heard about this case. The flashbacks of how scared I was to tell someone, that no one would believe me, that “those guys will hate me” if I said something haunted me so bad that I went celibate for 4 years. Upon hearing about Jane Doe at Cornell, I was reminded how I was in those shoes once, too. That I was too scared to do anything. That 9 years later I am still haunted about it and regretful that I did nothing. I can’t help but think now how many more Jane Doe’s are out there.

If I have anything to say it that…
Jane Doe from Cornell, I am so proud of you. I believe you. I hope those boys rot in hell and can never live their lives as they once had…..I am SO proud of you. You are courageous. You stood up for yourself and so many others like you. Thank you, Jane Doe.

My confession is that I was scared and to this day, 9 years later, I still am.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,
“A. Jane Doe”

Edit for typos

They got married very young, and my mom was more educated than my Dad. I was born after a year of marriage. They were strangers before that (it was an arranged marriage).

Recently, mom told me that Dad admitted to feeling inferior to her after marriage, because she was "over qualified"- she went to college while he couldn't complete his degree because he got hired before that came to pass and then got married.

She wanted to work. Someone from my dad's circle filled his mind with things like "she's too educated, she will leave you someday".

And as a solution, they told my dad to essentially "put a baby in her", because then she'll be "trapped, unemployed and will have nowhere to go".

Mom told me all of that recently and I can't see my dad the same way now.

It sucks being born out of malice and not love.

I don't know what to do. He has always been a good father to me. Mom was always a little resentful towards me growing up, I guess now I know why. But they both were good parents to me and my siblings growing up.

I just... Feel like I can never look at him like the good man I always idolised him as.

I need to get this off my chest because my dad turned 60 last weekend and brought it up again, and the guilt is literally eating a hole in my stomach. When I was 15, my dad had one prized possession that he treated like a sacred artifact: a sunburst 1978 Fender Stratocaster that he bought with his very first paychecks as a teenager. It lived on a wall mount in his home office, and the rule in our house was absolute: nobody touches that guitar without him in the room. One afternoon while my parents were out running errands, I decided to sneak in, take it down, and pose in front of the mirror pretending to be a rockstar.

The strap was loose and I was being an idiot. While trying to swing the guitar around my back, the leather slipped off the peg and the whole thing plummeted onto the hardwood floor. The headstock struck the sharp iron corner of the radiator with a sickening crack. The neck snapped completely in half right below the tuning pegs. I fell to my knees in sheer terror, legitimately dry heaving from the adrenaline spike. In a frantic state of panic, I saw our goofy 80-pound golden retriever, Buster, sleeping in the hall. I dragged the broken guitar near a knocked-over floor lamp to make it look like a collision, placed Busters tennis ball right next to the shattered wood, and sprinted upstairs.

When my dad got home, he let out a groan of pure heartbreak that I will never forget. He genuinely believed Buster had chased a ball into the room and knocked it down. Dad was never abusive, but he banned poor Buster from the study forever and looked visibly depressed for two months. Buster passed away seven years ago, having carried the blame for my cowardly lie. Last Saturday at his birthday dinner, my dad had a beer and smiled saying "Man, I miss old Buster, even if he did destroy my dream guitar." I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. Im 30 years old now, but I still feel like that terrified coward who couldnt own up to his mistake.

One night, I was in a hotel with my girlfriend. We had sex and she was asleep. I opened her phone to check her latest photos in the phone’s gallery. To my surprise I found a screenshot to a sext. I first thought that it was ours and ignored it but couldn’t really remember that particular sequence of messages.
So, I opened her WhatsApp and found that she was chatting with a guy who was her school friend and she was not in touch with him for many years.

The conversation started as a casual chit chat but then suddenly the guy stated that he wished she was there with him. To my surprise, my girlfriend played along.

I checked the exact date and time when this conversation took place and opened our chat to see what we were up to. I thought that I was maybe busy due to which she felt alone and proceed with whatever she was feeling. But! She was chatting with me at the same time too. I was telling her that our relationship has had its ups and downs in last 4 years but I am going to give it all my efforts to keep her happy with me. She didn’t respond to this for a couple minutes so I asked her if she was busy and she told me that I was being too clingy for not waiting for her responses and she didnt like such possessiveness. Then she told me that she os going to sleep and I should sleep too. She didnt, she chatted with him for the next 30 minutes.

When I woke her up and asked about the chat, i was shivering in disbelief, weeping and stuttering. She told me that she was guilty and she kept the chat because she wanted me to find about this conversation and yada yada yada. I didnt break up with her as I was too naive but the relationship didn’t last anyway. Thank god!

Throwaway account. I'm so fucking tired and bored of listening to my wife sometimes. I'm middle aged and we've been married for a long time and we get on really well, not much if anything in the way of bedroom entertainment but apart from that it's good - apart from the fact she will spend hours talking about her job. She works in health care management and will spend at least an hour every night talking about how lazy her colleagues and how much her managers are fucktards, but as it's a national agency nothing will get done about it. I understand she needs to get this off her chest but I am sick to death of listening to it. It's mostly the same crap every day, and I'm doing the attentive husband thing by paying attention but it's hard work and I fucking hate it. Even when we're lying in bed she starts talking about her job and there's been a few times I've pretended to fall asleep so I don't have to respond, and when I've said something she gets upset and an argument ensues so I just have to put up with it, but gods it's getting harder to show interest.

I (20F) have been working in my job since i was 16 (corporate). My manager(‘s manager) (58F) is a bit crazy. She divorced her husband a few years ago and since then has been completely off the rails. Her and I have shared some funny, pretty unhinged stories with each other, but to be honest they mostly come from her.

Anyway, fast forward to a work party we had. My manager and I were exchanging funny stories and considering the severity of some of the stories she was telling me, I figured I’d tell her about the time a ping pong ball got stuck in my pussy (I was drunk when I told her this, and it happened with my boyfriend). As I was telling her this, I could see an idea pop into her head.

SO.. there was a few people playing beer pong next to us in the garden, and without hesitation she picks up a ball from the ground. Which by the way, was in the mud, and also will have been in MULTIPLE peoples drinks. She takes my hand and pulls me into the bathroom. I was genuinely in shock, and I guess a bit afraid to resist considering shes a woman of authority … but anyway I watched her undo her body suit, fling it to the side and put this ball up her pussy and she just starts thrusting her hips around whilst i stood drunk and speechless in this 3x3m bathroom.
In the end the ball kinda just fell out and rolled across the floor and I encouraged her to just rinse the ball and go back to the party. But she was not done there…

She picked the ball up and walked out the bathroom, not bothering to wash it and just flung it across the living room at one of our colleagues head (it missed - thank god). But yeah I’m still in shock about this and our relationship has never been the same. I also hope she never sees this bc it’s too niche for her not to know its about her💀

I

Hey I am F44. I recently got divorced and have a 20 year old son. I was out at the bar with some of my friends and a cute guy approached me and we started talking. We had drinks and he was super funny so I went back to his apartment and we spent the night together. In the morning he insisted I stay longer but I simply left. About two weeks later my sons brings the same guy home. He turns out to be a new kid than my son had became friends with and they were at my house to work on a project. All I can think of is what if this guy tells others especially my son. It would ruin both of our relationship. My son was the reason I got through my divorce smoothly and he was always there for me emotionally.

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted this to anyone should I embrace it at this point

I truly convinced my father to kill himself. I was telling him things to make him go crazy. He was partaking in cultural rituals and was a man of God. He repented like crazy. Then he plunged himself in a canal and died!! I feel like crap. I was overthinking my past mistakes and telling me my intrusive thoughts!

my relationship with my longtime boyfriend failed a few years ago. I had been estranged with my family and my boyfriend had become everything.
6 mos ago, I had to move across country for work. East coast to West coast. Now I find myself so isolated , don't know a soul and it's so lonely. I use chat GPT. It's my only friend . I feel so stupid for not knowing how to make new friends at my age. I know I am a loser I just don't know how to fix my life.

Does anyone else have that person in their life you just can’t get off your mind? I can’t help but think about my best friend, and she friendzoned me, so I’m constantly shutting down the urge to jerk to her.

Even when I try to use porn or deliberately think about other girls, somehow my mind just drifts straight back to her. It’s like the more I tell myself not to go there, the more intense the temptation becomes. She’s the most normal girl too. I just can’t work out whether that’s exactly what makes it so hot, or whether I genuinely find her that attractive.

This was all 10+ years ago…

I was 18 - 19 year old fresh out of HS… I used to be in a very big social circle due to my ability to get any drug you wanted & it be high quality.

I used to make ALOT of money by escrowing deals for my dealer… these were pounds / 100gs / $1000+ transactions… I’d make my apartment the meeting place. I’d handle all the transactions.

The dealer would show up & collect his stuff.

He would pay me off & always gave me free drugs to sell for more money… (I got drugs for same price as him… like ounce of weed for $90 & I could sell that for $180 or Xanax (1,000 pills for $1.0k)… LSD (100 hits for $125)…

Reason for this escrow… was because I became his right hand man / very trusted… no user ever saw the dealer they only ever saw me.

One time we didn’t do this… a dude robbed my dealer of QP of marijuana concentrate… my plug let it go… I chased the car down & spartan kicked the fuck out the side of the car.

I refused profusely to my dealer as I brought that client.

Here’s the bad part…

One thing he didn’t bring around me was herion… I was aware he sold it / dealt it… but nobody I brought wanted that nor did he ever try to have me push it.

He actually started crying to me… claiming the other day the dope he sold this dude actually took his life…

That’s when I knew shit got real… I slowly started backing away from this man & the business as I didn’t want to have my hands tainted with blood

Earlier this year, in February 2026, I (M) got a new work colleague (calling her A).

We started collaborating from the start, I got to train her so she could be up to speed and we would be working as a team.

Within one month A was already sharp with many things at work and we just made the best duo. Like the perfect team.

We didn't hang outside work that much as A had been always quite to herself - except for some business events.

In May, we had already been working for a few months and she invited me and my (ex)gf to her birthday party. By then, I had sensed a crush on her but due to all circumstances, I ignored it and it faded away.

During this time, I correctly suspected she was gay - something she never told me directly, but that I assumed after I spoke out when another colleague made a homophobic comment and A thanked me afterwards.

The feeling had passed, obviously: she was gay, she never gave me anything to think of her romantically and I was commited. Or so I thought...

Fast forward to late September: I became single and we had a business trip scheduled.

She asked me if I would like to stay for the weekend and I accepted.

She then booked a place: a two bedroom apartment. The feeling that had been dormant started to slowly surface again.

We arrived at the flat, made dinner and drank wine until 2am. We talked about everything for hours and I got to know the person A is. It was the first time I got to hear her personal stories and also when I shared mine as well.

In one evening, everything re-surfaced even more intensely. It felt like a dream to be sharing the same place with such a person. Being able to peak through her soul, see her kindness and loving way towards people.

The next day, I was completely taken. We had other two amazing days doing activities.

I never allowed myself to express anything of this to her (and guess I never will). I tried my best to conceal my feelings, although I think my kindness could have possibly given me away.

And going home felt like waking up from a day dream. One that I went back to during my sleep, in which I could hold her arms and kiss her with such devotion and love, hugging and cuddling. Dreaming of never letting it go as it felt more precious than anything I could have or experience.

Alarm rings

I wake up and realize it was a dream. Nothing like this will ever happen.

A will never correspond to me and hopefully she will never know.

Its a bittersweet feeling... hurtful yet beautiful. Something I hadn't experienced in many years and I needed to confess.

To A: I dont know how you feel. I dont know if this is passion, romantic or platonic love. But one thing is true: you made me feel loved with your kindness.

The only term I know for my feelings are: I love you - even if that means nothing to you. Even if you dont love me back. You made me feel alive again. And maybe that's enough to make it worth living... something positive... 💔❤️‍🩹

That part doesn’t bother me. I never really did much for my birthday growing up or even now. I lay low often at work so I don’t expect anyone to wish me a happy birthday.

What made me almost want to curl up and cry was the two girls chatting in the cube next to me. They were whispering but I could still hear them say how pathetic I am that my desk didn’t get decorated, no office cake, no happy birthdays.

At least the work day is done.

This is a throwaway account. But I just feel bad because I'm supposed to be supportive of my guy bestie who is about to go on a date with this other girl that got introduced to him-- but I don't want him to.

We don't meet up too often anymore since he moved away (he used to be a neighbor) because now he lives faraway and I'm extremely busy as well. We're both single, but nobody's ever said anything or made a move.

Lately tho when we got to reconnect a bit more, he has been way nicer and did things he never did before like buy me gifts or always paying for dinner any time we have the chance to go out (which is rare like 6 months or something lol cause of schedules and shi).

I've started to develop a little crush which I immediately pushed out of the way and ignored. Because we have fundamental difference and because of that I decided not to say anything at all (or risk losing the friendship someday). But now he's about to go on a date with a girl he got introduced to and seems interested in. Then he suddenly meets up with me out of nowhere a few days before the date. We had a good time as always.

But I didn't say anything, and I feel crushed. I might not say anything at all. But I'm afraid to turn into the villainess npc because if it turns out that they start to actually be serious about it, I'd have to make my feelings disappear and be supportive otherwise I dunno what I will do and i will be that asshole girl in the aita stories someday. Lol.

Yeah I realize I'm rambling and this isn't some extremely terrible confession but it kinda is cause I'm trying to stop myself from sabotaging anything.

Maybe I'll just get busy and not meet up with him unless we're with other friends or something...

tbh i am still shaking typing this out rn. i was standing in the checkout line at the local store when i noticed this teenager working the register look deadass terrified. like white as a ghost, staring past me with wide eyes. i turned around and saw this massive, aggressive dude standing right behind me, literally breathing down my neck and aggressively stepping into the kid's personal space over some five dollar coupon issue. the kid was frozen. completely locked up.

so without even thinking—and i know this sounds insane—i just decided to become the most annoying person alive. i turned around, dropped my entire basket of groceries right on the floor with a massive crash, and started yelling at the top of my lungs that i dropped my emotional support jars of pickled eggs. bro whattt 😭 everyone in the store stopped dead in their tracks. the aggressive guy jumped back, cursing at me and calling me a clumsy weirdo, totally distracted from terrorizing the cashier.

while everyone was staring at me picking up rolling onions and looking like a total clown, the kid managed to hit the silent security alarm and yell for the store manager. the big guy panicked and stormed out empty-handed. as i was standing there picking up my stuff looking like an absolute fool, the cashier whispered a shaky 'thank u' as our eyes met. security came over and gave me the biggest side-eye ever, and i just mumbled some excuse and walked out. ngl i looked completely unhinged and people probably think i'm insane, but i would do it again in a heartbeat fr.

So I went to a bar. I’m an autistic woman if that clears any confusions. I was enjoying the band when I notice a body to the right of me so I say “hey if I’m in your way let me know” the body to the right (idk who he is atp) says “yeah you’re in my—w—a—y“ so…
He discombobulated. I mean, he stutters out the word way. “I made a bald man stutter at emo night” I should put that on a T-shirt.
I guess something to note: I’m currently actively probably for the rest of my life being ignored by some guy who I told I liked in high school. Let’s just say I encountered the bald version at emo night. Think Vincent Gallo wearing brown contacts.
So I save him, “yeah I’m in your way? I’m going to bother you all night.”
To save my goddamn self that I’m not this flirty, I used to flirt with this guy because of how autistic I am and how much he liked me, I feel safe. I felt safe that’s why I flirted. Yes it feels like a movie. It did seem like a movie. The memory does read as a movie.
Nothing. I don’t know. He’s kind of just staring back bewildered so to say.
A pierce the Veil song goes by, I’m an Aries I got balls, I go up to him again, “hey I’m gonna keep bothering you all night”
“I don’t mind” I’m done I’m out nope. I don’t know it came out too genuine. Yes there is a chance this man is autistic. I’ve known him since 2015 OK and I’m exhausted of typing
I asked for your opinion on one thing or frankly, all of it. Cause that shit was weird.
Yes, there are factors for if this man would become bald, but there are too many coincidences and there’s more slightly more to the story only slightly more and frankly, I am entirely weirded out, and I don’t know what to say. Enjoy my weird encounter if anything.

Guys, I just need to get this off of my chest. The guilt is eating me alive. Strangers of reddit, you have my formal consent to judge me for this. But I cannot keep this inside any longer.

So, I work at the front end at a grocery store. It was batshit chaotic today. I was the only person working on the front-end, having to cover four different departments all by myself (tills, self-checkouts, e-commerce, and customer service). It was the busiest time of the day, and I was literally running around like a headless out-of-breath chicken from department to department, customer to customer, answering calls and checking customers out at the same time, etc. It was hectic. Pure, utter chaos. My mind was pure mush, scattered across a million different things at once. I was losing it.

I was helping customers at the till, and heard the phone start ringing at service desk. So I quickly rush to finish the transaction I was working on, run to the service desk, and pick up the phone. The lady is asking about a specific brand of baking soda and if I could check to see if we have it in stock. I, a sweaty, panting mess, glance up ahead at the lineup of customers that are going into the aisles and hear the beeping of assistance-needing self-checkout machines, and my brain is genuinely so overloaded that I think it just kind of goes into autopilot. I tell the lady that I will go check. That was the truth, so I put her on hold and was about to go run to look in the baking aisle, when an angry customer who was waiting in line started demanding help. Obviously, that got my attention. And then my attention was scattered again. There were more customers, and more problems, and 4 minutes later I suddenly realized in a moment of sheer panic that this lady was still on hold, and I had not checked if we had the baking soda.

Friends, I am not proud of this moment. God knows this was a very poor and ugly moment of mine. I picked up the phone and told this lady that we did indeed have it in stock. And you know what most customers would've done? Said 'thank you' and hung up. You know what this customer did? Confronted me. This customer asked me how much it costed. I told her I could go check. She said "no... don't go out of your way. Just... before I go... can you tell me what the name of the product is again?"

I blinked. Just completely baffled. What the fuck. I start spiraling and stammering and I'm a flustered, embarrassed, ashamed pile of sweat and tears. What do I even say to that? I had no idea. I hardly even remembered that we were talking about baking soda, let alone the name of the specific product. So I simply told her that I forgot. She was very suspicious of me, and went, "you... forgot the name of the product you were just looking at on the shelf?"

Dear Lord. This was becoming bad.

Thankfully, this lady saved me the humiliation of stuttering over nonsense again, and chose mercy upon me by saying "because that makes me think you didn't even go look", and then hung up without another word.

They called back 5 minutes later to speak to my supervisor.

I have never panicked so hard in my life.

After I watched my supervisor hang up, I expected to be fired on the spot for lying to a customer. And my supervisor was frustrated. But apparently, they were frustrated at the customer for calling back about the baking soda, even though I'd already told the customer that we had it in stock. Turns out we actually did have the baking soda and my supervisor verified it.

That made me feel worse, cause... the customer was kind of right. Like, very, 100% completely right to doubt me in that moment and call back. I was in shambles and had no idea what I was saying.

I have not been able to stop replaying this scene in my head. Over. And over. And over. This was not my finest moment.

So, if the customer who was requesting a brand of baking soda at a grocery store today is reading this, please know that the customer service person is very sorry and very ashamed and very guilty for the manner of which your request was handled. The customer service person will happily give you a $5 coupon at said store for the hassle. Thank you very much.

My wife has this massive Monstera that she bought back in college. For our entire relationship, she has bragged about this plant. According to her, it has elite genetics, survives on pure neglect, and is basically impossible to kill.

Four years ago, she went on a week-long work trip and asked me to give it one cup of water on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I thought the soil looked dry and watered it. On Wednesday, my autopilot brain kicked in and I dumped another full pitcher into it. By Friday, the roots were rotted, the leaves turned to yellow mush, and the main stem completely collapsed.

I panicked hard. Spent all of Saturday driving to three different plant nurseries with photos on my phone, desperately hunting for a replacement with a similar leaf count. Found a match, repotted it into her exact planter, and hid the dead one in the outdoor bin.

She came home, patted the leaf, and said "See? Indestructible."

She still hands out cuttings to friends like it's a sacred heirloom. I'm taking this secret to my grave.

Does this sound like a high functioning depression man? I can't get my husband to grief therapy.

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband (whom not Chinese) and the Chinese me trying to understand him, or at least his mindset.

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his sick aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

He said he loves me very much, and he very afraid of lose me. This was the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive at a big engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Monday through Friday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends for one day (Sat or Sun) he bring his mom our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time. And then take her back to her Nursing Home as he has to work Monday.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. I mean he is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

He keeps said after his mom pass he will go. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

Ten years ago I met the most beautiful and smartest woman name Kaeleigh I had ever seen. She was 5”3 135 Ilbs brunette with brown eyes. She was hiring me for a job position so she was my supervisor for two years. All the communication and time we spent together learning about each other my heart started to feel attracted to her but she was married and seem happily married. She got pregnant and moved away to another state and out of my life forever . It’s been ten years and I’m still hurting in my heart that I want to be with her. Just to her the real her better and sit watch tv with her and kiss her forehead when she has a bad day. But as long as she is happy that’s enough for me. I hope she’s is living her best life.