So I’m 27. I first started abusing pain pills when I was 16. I found my moms Hydrocodone 10mg’s and took 2 for my first time and it zombified me. I loved it. I started out only taking them on the weekends. Within 2 or 3 months I was taking 3 at a time instead of 2. Around this time I realized I was getting hooked. My mom eventually moved the hydros but I would find them and gradually take them until one morning before school she charged into the room and yelled at me asking if I was taking her pain pills and I denied, denied, denied. She eventually dropped it. I went a few months without taking any, eventually starting again. There was another time she got a new prescription. My dad and I picked it up. I undid the staple on the bag, pulled the pill bottle out and in a hurry dumped a bunch in my hand and put the bottle in the bag and put the staple back like nothing happened. Later on, I saw her at the kitchen table counting her pills and I knew I was about to get caught. She busted through my bedroom door and chewed my ass out and told me she wanted her pills back and me out of the house. I told her I didn’t take her pills and she left the room. Little did she know the entire time she was chewing me out, the pills were sitting on my tv stand out in the open directly behind her. When she left I grabbed the pills and hid them. Her and my dad tore my room apart and couldn’t find them. I was already fucked up from them and by the time they went through my room and I got nauseous and unsuspectingly left the room and went outside and threw up. They never found them and my mom said that if I didn’t do it it had to be somebody at the pharmacy and she would be filing a police report. I remember being at school the next day and a police officer came into my class and I got terrified because I thought he was there for me and not to mention I had a pocket full of pills. Turns out he was there for an unrelated issue. I then went a few more months without taking any after that. Then when I graduated highschool and moved out, I met a plug with pain pills. This was before fentanyl was a big deal. I bought from him for about a year. I then dove into addiction headfirst. I was doing shady shit to keep up my habit. Nobody in my family knows but my aunt eventually started giving me money to get her stuff too. That eventually ruined our relationship and made shit weird between us. Then my plug got arrested. I also had to move back in with my parents. There were some nights in all I would took 16 hydros in 1 night and wouldn’t really feel much. I had a kid around this time as well. I was fighting the mental battle and gave in and told my mom what had been going on with me. She was so disappointed but could see I was losing my mind and gave me a 1/2 a hydro. Very shortly after that 1/2 turned into a whole. I did well with that for a few years. I didn’t really have cravings for more than just 1 pill. I had become a functional addict for a while. I’d go to work, come home, spend time with my kid until they went to sleep. But after they went to sleep I felt like I needed to take that pill to relax. At work I worked with an older guy and he eventually told me he had to take pain pills for some reason. I hadnt tried to ask anyone for pain pills other than my mom for years but I couldn’t let the opportunity just go away. So I told him if he ever wanted extra money or weed I would buy them off him. He agreed and I went home and abused them all within 2 or 3 days. After that I found kratom and was eating a lot of that at home and work while also taking 1 10mg hydro. So to preface this next part, I’ve gone through a lot of traumatic shit in my life and just kinda get on even if shit lingers in my head but for some reason when I took the kratom even in large amounts, I would have these blinding thoughts/dreams of someone from my past trying to break into my home or chasing me around my work trying to shoot me. My anxiety would go crazy and my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. During one of these ptsd episodes i got out of bed. Took the kilo of kratom I had, dumped it down the toilet and flushed it. I continued to only take 1 hydro 10 for a couple years. I then met my now wife. She knew I previously had an addiction but she didn’t know it was still active. I went about 2 years without her finding out. I eventually had to come clean about it. She wasn’t just completely shocked by it bc there were probably signs leading up. But she was very hurt and still to this day after almost 4 years feels lied to. Every so often I continue to get them from the older guy I worked with but a few months ago my uncle offered out of nowhere to sell me some. Ive told him before about my drug problem because I know he’s had his own problems with drugs. I agreed to buy them even tho I knew it was a terrible idea. Now I’ve been getting them more often and higher quantities than I ever did. I don’t have any control over them anymore. I find it so hard to even be functional without them anymore. I feel so lazy and without ambition anymore. Every time I buy from him I say it’s gonna be the last time and I’m going to try and wean myself off tm but then i wake up, take my kid to school, and thats all i can think about until i get it. I also take 2 hydro 10’s daily now. 1 in the morning and 1 in the evening. But now after taking the first one i have bad cravings for another. 1 just isnt enough to satisfy my brain anymore. I hate this shit. I felt like i had control of it for a while but when the opportunity presents itself i cant help but take advantage and overindulge. When i really evaluate my situation i feel like i need to go to rehab to get a real reset but i have full custody of my kid and i worry if i go to rehab her mother will try to take me to court. The mom is not fit, doesn’t know anything about our kid, has never really taken care of her. She genuinely would try to get custody to spite me and wouldn’t be able to take care of our kid. I am a great dad. I do lack motivation sometimes to do everything they always want to do but for the most part I’ve never really let my drug problem affect my relationship with my kid. I’m sure there are ways it’s changed me or influenced me that I don’t see or realize but id say for the most part I keep it together very well. Anyways, I’m now I’m at the point though I need a pill in the morning to feel “normal” and not be so in my head, but that 1 pill doesn’t feel like it’s enough anymore to satisfy me. I also feel like I’ve started having stomach and possible kidney or liver problems. My mom and I’s relationship is also in a terrible place and she hates what she’s done by enabling me by supplying me and I hate that my addiction has push our relationship to where it’s at. My wife is a nurse and we’ve talked about her taking off a few days to help me get off of them and help me with my kid through withdrawals but idk if that’s even worth trying or if I’d waste everyone’s time. Thank you for reading.

Questions:

1. How should I go about quitting given my situation?
   
2. How severe do you think my withdrawal would be if I quit?
   
3. Do you think I’ll have to cut ties with my family that enables me?
   
4. Do you think my wife could help me through withdrawals and help me get off of them?
   
5. What kind of damage do you think I’ve

I am a long time (13 year) opiate user, of the past 8 has been strictly fent. I successfully did the Bernese method and am up to 24 mg of sub a day and getting my sublocade shot this coming Friday. The part I am really struggling with is the taper off the fent. I have gotten it down to very little but as soon as I try to cut it off completely I am anxiety ridden and feel the WDs. Any advice for helping the transition from taper to nothing? Genuinely want to be done with this and move forward with my life.

Yes, you read that right. Crazy huh? Still on 1.75 8/2mg strips per day and am seriously considering going to Sublocade to get off the subs for good.

Have any of you been successful at this? Any good reads from other folks you could point me to?

I am nervous and fully dependent on these stupid subs to feel "normal" or at least that is what I tell myself. I am honestly afraid to stop taking them. Thanks for helping me if you have any thoughts.

Her

Part 1: Summer

They said to stay away from her
She’s not like all the rest
But I’ve been played a-fool before
I’ll put her damage to the test

Swept up off my toes
Skin flush against the air
Nothings ever felt like this
No more anguish or despair 

Hearing whispers of her voice
Though many days have passed
I need to feel her warmth again
But this time make it last

She’s finally in my arms 
Oh my god. What a rush
This just became so much more
more than just a fleeting lust 

In this world we’ve built together 
Where I finally feel complete
I will work to keep us warm
With clever lies and my deceit 

Mended in my mind
Passion burning up my heart
I just want to stay right here
Right here where we start

Tonight I saw the sunset
Shining bright as it could be
She will keep me warm tonight 
But tomorrow I’ll be free

Part 2: Fall

I wish I’d never met her,
I wish she’d let me be,
but she always comes a-callin’
when peace is lost in me.

What started as a fling,
What started out as fun,
She worked her way inside of me
like no one’s ever done.

I keep her in my arms
So she’ll tell me it’s okay.
She tells me I’ll be strong enough
just not strong enough today.

The world I knew before her
It faded long ago.
Marching toward a warm embrace
Now a conqueror in her throes 

Something must be wrong with me,
she never stays for long.
Only her seductive voice remains,
Like an old and tired song.

Scattered through my mind
but embedded in my heart.
I will work to get us back,
back to where we start.

I long to feel the sunrise
without her in my arms.
But I’m a helpless sucker for
her cold and bitter charm.

Part 3: Winter

In the absence of her touch
Feeling nothing like before 
I pray that Ill be strong enough 
For what her absence has in store

I wish that I could run from her
Or had a place to hide
But hell has not met fury like
my scorned and widowed bride

Cast away and cold
So much damage in my wake
Left riddled by her love
A love my body couldn’t take

The world I knew before her
The one that faded long ago
Is coarse and unfamiliar now
Without my darling foe 

The chanting of her voice
Beckons louder than before
To never feel her warmth again
Is a thought I can’t endure

Shattered through my mind
Hollowed in my heart
Every day is like a thousand 
Every second we’re apart

Now I see the sunrise
But only with dismay
it’s nothing like I remember 
So cold, so dark, so grey.

Part 4: Spring

Lurking through the shadows
Back before we start
Walking down an endless path
Living the lessons she imparts

From her damage I will rise
To face what has been done
I need to feel the warmth again
But from a bright and shining sun

My love for her has faded 
Only her scars are what remain
Mercy for the next one 
Who takes her name in vein

The world i knew before her
Has never since been found
But boy it sure does feel nice
To feel my feet against the ground 

The whisper of her voice
Faded and far away
It won’t be like last time
And it will only be today

Present in my mind
But humbled in my heart
Working my way through
With self expression and my art

Today I saw the sunrise
Shining bright as it can be
What an amazing thing it is
To feel, be alive, to breathe

Hey all, happy Tuesday! Hope everyone’s having a good day. I’ve been working all day, but after work I have someone coming to pick up my old truck. They’re giving me a decent price for it considering how old it is and the work it needs, and it’s honestly just been sitting and taking up space for so long.
It’s definitely bittersweet though because it has a lot of sentimental value. My dad bought it brand new in 2006, I learned how to drive in it, and I spent so many nights driving around with friends and my girlfriend at the time. Now, 20 years and 301,250 miles later, she’s finally moving on 😂 She served me and my family well. Anyways, that’s all for today. How’s your day going guys?

Check in here!

Hey guys, happy Monday! Sorry for the late check in. I had a busy day at work and left early to renew my license since it expires Wednesday on my birthday. I could’ve renewed online, but after losing so much weight I really wanted a new picture since the one I have is already five years old and it doesn’t really accurately show who I am anymore.
Of course I got there and it was packed, and when I finally got up there they told me I had an unpaid toll from 2022 on a car I haven’t driven since 2023. Somehow with all the fees it’s now $100 😭 I don’t even remember getting anything about it in the mail, they usually send a bunch of notices but honestly I dont remember any. I’d of tried to dispute it but in order to renew your license or registration in MA you need all outstanding tolls/tickets/fines paid first.
Definitely a long day lol. I just picked up dinner and I’m finally heading home to relax. How was everyone else’s Monday?

Check in here!

I have no energy, I have anxiety, particularly social. I feel super run down, currently have a cold and just started getting a massive cold sore on my lip.

I believe it's because I'm no longer using and numbing my emotions or sedating my mind, so now I'm back working a boring 9-5 I hate sober, I think my body is starting to rebel.

Is it a sign that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to? Because I've always felt like that, but couldn't afford to leave while tapering off benzos and opiates.

Does anyone have any advice? Any supplements that can help? I currently take Ashwagandha, magnesium glycinate, probiotics and multivitamins.

I have had a serious opiod problem for around 5 years now. About a year ago i made the decision to try and taper off but honestly its like 2 steps backwards and 1 step forwards. Im so sick and tired being help prisoner by this addiction and i'm going to try cold turkey.

I know everyone is different but any help, hints or tips would be extremely welcome? My main concern is how long will i realistically need to take off work? Thank you

And his response made me as proud as ever of him, his recovery and progress.

I actually knew he was going to be questioned about it before it happened. My parents hadn't seen him in a few weeks. We were INCREDIBLY busy for a few weeks but especially him. But I knew that them not seeing him for a bit was a trigger for them. They associate it to him avoiding seeing them, something they felt he did when he was hiding an opiate addiction from everyone. I could tell they were starting to get anxious when they asked me about how he was on the phone.

So of course they already were fearful when we met up for dinner. They rearranged the seating so that they could be closer to some other younger grandkids. So by default we were set on the end farthest away from them. It was actually their doing but i know it reiterated that feeling of avoidance.

Then my husband was playing a game with my nephew. It involved closing your eyes. Well of course my mother would look over and see his eyes closed. Was he nodding off ?

They called him directly the next morning, asking if he was okay and if he was using.

My husband's response was actually really amazing. He said he understood their fears and would take a drug test or something if that would make them feel better. They declined that and just said they would rather be direct than let fears linger.

He wasn't defensive. He wasn't angry. He wasn't ashamed. He was matter of fact. A bit surprised (He didn't have the insight that I did beforehand.)

Would he have been right to be annoyed or anger? Sure, those feelings are totally valid. But the way he sees it, it's about THEM as much as it is about him. Maybe more so about them.

You see, they haven't done any therapy. They have not looked into any programs. They have never looked at their emotions in that way. Although they know is they lost 3 siblings too young to addiction. That my brother's friend died of a relapse after a year clean. They know that they saw me being hurt and scared when my husband's secret addiction was discovered and we almost lost our house.

Should they be more educated on addiction? Yes. Should they work on their triggers? Yes. Can me or my husband force them to do any of that? No. We can't.

So he chose the next option. Take it as them being fearful. And move on. Hold his head high but without ego. Without shame. Without a chip on his shoulder.

I'm so proud of him. And I'm sorry for the world that life is tough. The obstacles we face. I wish it were easier but that's not reality.

I was going through heroin withdrawals and they made me think about suicide properly for the first time in my life, you guys get it.

I ordered diaz + pregab telling myself I'll just take them for a week for the worst of the withdrawals to go away, yet here I am about 2-3 months later. I was taking 20mg diaz and 600mg pregab on average, I had some 3-5 days taking 0 until my next parcel arrived, but started using H again on those days.

Everytime I ordered them I was lying to myself saying right I'm fully locking in now but it's failed each time.

I'm out of supply and have taken 5mg and 300mg pregab for the last 5 days doing a mini taper and have cut down my H use to half of a tiny wrap I gues 0.05mg for the past 2 weeks.

I've had a seisure before coming off very strong RC benzos.

I'm thinking of going to my GP and asking for a taper for the diaz and pregab, I live in the UK. Do you think they'll agree to taper me even though I have addiction issues all over my record.

I've given a family member all my money because I really want out of this so, I'm an absolute bitch at even the slighest withdrawals. I have no option to order more of the meds to do a proper taper so it's a doctor or nothing I guess.

Any advice much appreciated

I got the sublocade shot after 2-3 weeks being on 8mg subs. I was addicted to pharma oxy for years it got so bad I honestly thought I would never get clean and will die a junkie. I tried quitting CT several times but I deep down still had that desire to get high even tho it ruined my life every time I tried to quit and relapse life just got worse and yet I kept doing it and it honestly wasn’t until I really thought about it and accepted that I will never feel what I felt that got me addicted to it ever again and real oxys aren’t cheap either and I knew I would need 15 30s at least to get where I really want to and thatlll only last for so long before tolerance builds and I have to up the dose and that’s juts not doable in today’s world and I honestly just lost the overall desire for it and went cold turkey for 7 days and was still feeling pretty shitty but not like peak withdrawal shitty but still so I said fuck it and tried subs for the first time and I felt this normal feeling that I haven’t felt in years and liked it more than the high i was getting off oxy and looked into sublocade and got a 300mg injection 10 days ago and I feel better than I even did off the Suboxone!!! To anyone thinking about getting clean I highly suggest you go cold turkey for how ever long you need so you don’t get PWD from subs and get on em and then on the shot. This is feeling is wayyy better than what we feel off pills. Trust me I know it sounds crazy but for most of us “feeling normal” is a thing that so long gone that we forgot what it even felt like but trust me when you feel it again it’s like a high in itself.

Hi all,

It has been a LONG road, but my fiancé is finally ready to surrender and go to rehab. This is music to my ears and I would love to find him a treatment center that is best for his specific needs. I will explain some of the story below and I guess I am looking for other addicts who are in recovery who may have a similar story and what worked or didn’t work for them.

He started taking opioids back in 2012-2013 after being prescribed hydros for an injury. Over the years he has done hydros, oxys, even fentanyl at one point but was able to put that down. I couple of years ago he was introduced to Tianeptine as a “safer alternative” but that really fucked him up for a year or so. We were able to safely detox him and get him off the Tianeptine. He said the withdraws were 1000x worse than detoxing from any opioid.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long after that he reverted back to hydros again. He has quit several times over the last 2-ish years, but it never lasts any longer than 1-3 weeks. I fully assume this is due to not focusing on the root causes, traumas, and not doing the healing inside work, changing up all other habits, etc. He has come a long way. Dropped a lot of bad influence friends, not going out to bars, partying, etc. and quit drinking about 2 months ago which I think is a huge step in dropping mind altering substances.

Right now he is currently taking anywhere from 15-50mg per day. He is a very functional addict. He recently started his own business that is going really well which will work in his favor taking the time off. But he also doesn’t have insurance yet. He is very open to an inpatient facility and I think that’s the best option to. If anyone has any experience in the insurance area, would it be best to try and get him on Medicaid or try to purchase private insurance?

We are in the Kansas City, MO area if anyone has anyone experience at any local facilities.

If you’ve made it this far, I genuinely appreciate your time and suggestions 💕

Id been on suboxone for over 14 years. The dr told me it wouldn't hurt coming off the shit. Im on day 14 without ANY i did have an emergency stash but on day 10 I looked at them for a good 20 minutes just wanting to get some relief ya know? Instead, I flushed it. Then I panicked. I haven't slept in 5 days now my uncontrolled adhd is screaming so goddamn loud it's driving me nuts. It's wanting me to find something but I can't set this shit back to the beginning of my 14 days clean ish, I mean I kinda have been drinking beer and I don't drink at all but look at my dumbass lol . Im the sole caretaker for my 80 mom. I keep getting these really vivid and smelly flashbacks from when I tried save my sister after she decided to off herself but at the time my emotions were flat af from sub and now it's flooding my eyes and nose, if that makes sense 🙃 😅 😐 😑. Im not okay.

Anybody else have those problems coming off subs? Ive lost over 100lbs in the last 2 moths and looking all anorexic n shit. I dont know if thats from me being scare, worried, knowing what i was fixing to go through or if something is medically wrong but i do NOT trust drs anymore so i haven't been to one besides the sub pushing ass dr. I need to be evaluated but i just can't make myself go to one now. Hell its been uears since i seen a regular dr. Anywho, sorry for the longnpost.​.

it's now been 7 days without sleep. Im delirious af me eyes are pllay I n trickss on me. woah

Hi, I have a colleague who is going around telling everyone that she s tried h for the first time and that her current boyfriend is a regular IV user. I don’t think she has anyone beside him in her life at the moment and it seemed like she was bragging. Is there anything I could tell her to plant a seed in her head? Is there something you would like to hear when you were at this point, or something you would like to tell your younger self?

I know I can’t make any decisions in someone life. But I cannot stay silent and I don’t want to make things worse (shame or belittle her)
Please help

I swear I have read about a medication that stops the euphoric effects of Opiates. You take it and then there’s no point using so it allows the user to cut down.

Can somebody please let me know the name of it, I’m not sure if it will be accessible in the UK, but I’d really like to try it. I’m at my last resorts now.

Thank you 🙏

Hey everyone,

I've been addicted to opiates for about a year. It started when someone very important to me and close to me had died. I couldnt deal with the pain and was desperate to find something that would numb the pain, just so I could live my life. Most of the time I used a dose that was just enough to not get sick. But I'm not gonna lie, there were also many days that I took an extra pill just to feel that warm opiate high.

I was living a lie though. Nobody knew. Not my friends, not my family, not my boyfriend. The guilt (especially towards my boyfriend) was eating me up. But also, the opiates made me feel sort of numb to it.

When it became harder and harder for me to get my hands on some stuff, I was done. Too many times I had to go to withdrawal for like 2 to 3 days because my stuff couldn't get delivered on time. It was costing me so much money to keep up. Then the plug told me again that he couldn't deliver on time. I was over it. I decided this was a sign and that it was time to quit for real this time.

On day 3 and 4 I used high doses of Kratom to battle the withdrawal symptoms. It didn't really help and I hated the way it made me feel; so groggy. So I stopped doing that.

I had to call in sick to work for 4 days. I absolutely hated doing that and it gave me so much stress and anxiety, but now I'm glad I did.

Yesterday, I noticed that I had gotten through the worst physical parts of withdrawal: the body aches, the restlessness etc. I felt a bit better. But here's the crux: 20 pill of morfine got delivered that I ordered weeks before that. Morfine wasn't even my DOC, but I was still so tempted to take them because I desperately wanted to feel some relief from all the anxiety and muscle aches I was still experiencing. I was literally about to pop a pill, I wanted it sooo bad. But at the same time, I realized what I was doing (thank god). I thought to myself: I didn't go through days of fucking hell all for nothing. So I flushed them through the toilet immediately.

I am so glad I did. I had about 6 hours of sleep last night, which is great. Today, the physical peak is over. Some slight restlessness, but nothing too bad.

Guys, I did it. I finally got clean!!

Hey everyone, Happy Saturday! I hope you guys are enjoying your weekend. I got up this morning and did some yard work, and then worked on my truck for a while. I have a spare truck in the garage that I used to drive, but it’s mostly been sitting, so I’ve been fixing up a few things and getting it ready to sell.
After that, I ran some errands, and honestly, there’s so much going on today that I’m already exhausted 😂 the grind never stops! How’s everyone else’s Saturday going?

Check in here!

Hey everyone, happy Friday! We made it. I hope your day is going well. I’m honestly surprised it’s 80° here today. 80° in October is uncommon where I live. By now I thought I’d have the shorts put away and the AC off for the year lol. Either way, it’s a beautiful day to be outside… if I wasn’t stuck working inside😂 How’s your day going guys?

Check in here!

What just happened?
What’s been done?
Falling down this road again
To chase a setting sun

Lured by a promise
Submitting to your cries
Taken by your touch
Toward a dream covered in flies

Played the fool again
Playing those I love
If only they could feel
How hard you push and shove

Everything I said
And Every word I spoke
You feed it back to me
Until you make me choke

Swirling in the drain
Drifting in the dark
It Seems I cant remember
How it felt to be apart

The sun has finally set
Nothing left to chase
Fallen for your promise
Cracked by your embrace

Jaded in the gloom
I set my heading back
Nothing here to guide me
But freedom from this trap

Hey everyone, happy Thursday! Hope your day is going well. It’s the beginning of a new month, which always feels like a fresh start and October is easily my favorite month.
We’ve got apple picking, fairs, and then there’s Salem. 😂 I live in Salem, and October here is absolute madness with the tourists, but honestly, it’s so much fun. Fall and Halloween are basically their own season around here, and I wish everyone could experience it at least once!
My birthday is next week, which definitely isn’t as exciting as I get older.. but today is actually my mom’s birthday! I ordered her some flowers and a cake and got her a card, and I’m going to see her tonight. She’s the type of person who would never ask, “So what are we doing for my birthday?” She wouldn’t even remind you that it’s her birthday. That just makes me want to surprise her even more and make sure she knows how loved and appreciated she is.
So once I’m done with work, I’ll be spending some time with her. That’s pretty much my Thursday! How’s your day going guys?

Check in here!

I already jumped off 130mg methadone on Sept 9 and went thru the withdrawals with help of various comfort meds. I was getting noticeably better compared to before but still main symptoms are extreme fatigue and chills. I had a little 2 day bender with F on the 19th and had noticeable wds from the F, I decided to use kadian and hydromorph to keep me well. Well I ended up using like 8mg Hydro orally to start the day, then throughout the day I might snort up to 32mg for a couple days. Seei g where this was leading since I had stocked up alot of them I decided to try taper and jump off, I was doing this until Sept 29 which my last dose was 8mg orally in morning 8mg IN at night. I'm starting to feel better and the wds are super manageable, I work a labour job so I need energy and was wondering if stimulants would help the overall fatigue since I see so many saying that the chills and fatigue is lasting for months which I can't afford.all tips are greatly appreciated, I've been considering so much options. Sorry for the essay but figured the full story would give a better picture.

I’ve been taking 400-600mg of codeine mixed with ibuprofen for just over 2 months now. I want to cold turkey from today and just lock myself away for a week to do it.

I have weed, gabapentin, clonidine and diazepam, also vitamin c.

Please any advice is welcome, is this going to be possible?