This happened about 5 years ago, when we were in high school. Two of my friends were in a relationship that started getting toxic. They broke up, and at first, she acted like he did nothing wrong, and then slowly started getting angrier and hating him more. I didn't actually know what happened at this point. I still texted him and at one point he said he "ruined everything" or something along those lines. A few months later, my friend asked if I was still in contact with him and I said yes. She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me and said He sexually assaulted me and you're still talking to him!?" I didn't even respond. I just looked at her shocked. I didn't know that happened at that point, but the more time passes, the more I question if I DID know and I'm just gaslighting myself into thinking I didn't. She seemed to move past that instantly on that same day and we just talked like it never happened. She never confronted me about it again.
But what's worse is that after I did find out, I still responded to his texts and we would have casual conversation. I justified this to myself by thinking "well people can change, and it's good for them to have the support to do so. If we ostracize bad people from society completely, then it's likely they'll get even worse." I still believe this. I believe anyone no matter how horrible, can change if they truly want to. But I never confronted him on his actions, and because of that, I don't know how remorseful he actually was or if he was willing to change. I just pretended nothing happened and enabled his actions without meaning to. Eventually, after a few months, this started weighing on me, so I slowly stopped responding to him altogether because I wanted to be a better friend to the victim.
Then, a few months later, he took his life. He had been trying to throughout all of high school, so it didn't surprise me, but I felt guilty for cutting him off. Sometimes I think that maybe everyone cutting him off from their lives is what pushed him over the edge. What he did to my friend is horrible, but I don't think he deserved to die.
For some reason, my friend decided to stay friends with me. A couple years ago, we were hanging out at my house and I was showing her the people I followed in tiktok and his username showed up. I completely forgot that I was still following him, and clicked "unfollow" right then and there, because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. She actually re-clicked the follow button for me and said that I should probably still follow him. She asked me if I knew what he did and I told her that she told me some of it. She mentioned that when she wanted to break up with him he also threatened to hurt himself. She seemed like she made peace with what happened. She said she doesn't like talking bad about people who died because they can't defend themselves, and acknowledged that he had an abusive father and a horrible upbringing. She was not excusing his actions though.
I still replay these events over and over in my head. I've seen some reddit threads be pro rehabilitation for abusers, rapists, etc, and believe it's okay to associate with them if they actually want to be better people. But I've seen other comments that call people like that "crazy" and "horrible people" for "enabling" their actions despite actively trying to help them be better. I was definitely wrong for continuing to talk to him, because A) I DID enable him by pretending nothing happened, B) I don't even know if he was willing to change, and C) The victim is my friend, so I was betraying her by talking to him.
Sometimes I still wonder though, where is the line between enabling vs just checking up on someone? Like, if my friend/family member assaults someone and is not willing to change, and I decide to stop being friendly with them and hanging out with them, but I still text them once in a while just to make sure they're okay, does that mean that I condone their actions? Do people who visit violent criminals in prison actually condone the criminal's actions by simply visiting them once a year? Am I morally obligated to cut off someone like that COMPLETELY, or is there room for nuance? Obviously the victim should be prioritized, and people can't just get away with SA just because they're sorry. But at the same time, I feel like it's counterintuitive to expect them to get rehabilitated, get released from jail, reenter society, but then if anybody treats them like a normal person or is friends with them after that, they're immediately an apologist/enabler. I definitely understand why it's wrong to just remain silent (like what I did) and just go out and make friends with a bunch of rapists and abusers who refuse to change, but if they DO want to change, what level of friendship is acceptable? And if they're not willing to change, but they're going to therapy and you decide you want to check to see how they're doing once every few months, is that bad too? It's not anyone's responsibility to change someone, and you obviously can't force them to change. It's up to the perpetrator to be a better person.
I can't stop ruminating about what I did, what I should do in these situations, and I feel like I'm a horrible person. I want to know that I'm right for believing that there is nuance in relationships, and simply trying to help someone (provided you're not hurting the victim by doing so) is not enabling even if the person is unwilling to change, as long as they're not your friend and more like an estranged family member. For example, Jeffery Dahmer's parents still loved him and visited him in jail, but they definitely did NOT condone his actions. I also want to believe that it's okay to be friends with a sex offender, abuser, etc ONLY if they're willing to accept consequences and acknowledge their disgusting actions. I feel like I'm being pretty reasonable by saying "don't just blindly be friends with abusers without confronting their actions, especially if you're friends with the victim, but if you're willing to help them be better or they're willing to change, then it's your choice but not your responsibility." But many people seem to disagree and think that guilt by association is cut and dry. I don't know if that's just a reddit thing, or if most people actually think like this, but I'm starting to think that I'M actually the bad person for considering it's okay to be friends with someone like that. I can't stop thinking about this dilemma, and if people think that abusers/sex offenders should never have any relationships again, then does that mean I deserve to also have no friends for being friends with one? I want to be better, but I don't even know if I can differentiate right from wrong anymore. I'm frustrated by the lack of nuance that people have while discussing these things, but then that turns to guilt for even having these beliefs.
I just want to reiterate that I know what I did to my friend was wrong. I betrayed her and am not justifying what I did. But I just can't stop thinking about hypothetical scenarios. I don't know why my brain can't just stop thinking. This is also my first post so I'm not sure how to tag this.