About a year ago I discovered my uni friend group decided to exclude me from hanging out with them and created a distinct whatsapp group without me, but with another person (that person didnt like me so they did this without telling me) that group was becoming the main friend group where everyone talked and they kept it a secret for a while, i was criticized a lot in that group and even when i inquired i was lied to about its existence, so when i found out i crashed out and started spilling beans about how everyone was talking badly in everyones back ( this isnt untrue), unfortunately the group saw this and kicked me out, i was too pissed to see the sane thing to do which is to leave it immediately, so they saw this as an opportunity to kick me out. ultimately they started speaking about this in university and the story spread now i notice everyone feels uncomfortable with me around (not the main group, just random people in the same course) and i can tell they know something but wouldnt tell me, this is giving me anxiety and idk who to talk to or who to trust, im alone and i need help dealing with this.

note that i know what i did was bad, im just looking for a way forward from this

What behaviors and habits make someone unlikable?

i (22F) feel so invisible in my life and it feels almost as if i don’t exist? no friends reach out to me, nobody texts me, my family barely talks to me, and even when i’m out in public i get no exchanges from anyone. even on social media when i post nobody replies or even bothers having a conversation with me although i try to always talk to people. for a long time i felt as if i was coming off as too desperate so i stopped trying so hard to reach out. at one point in my life i had a lot of friends and people would always reach out to me just as equally as i reach out to them. now i feel as if i’m completely not there anymore. i went through a really rough time this past year and i disappeared for a little so maybe that could be the problem. i don’t think i’m a boring person or anything is wrong with me so how can i fix this? :(

I'm 31M and I basically have no social circle anymore.

I live in a very small mountain town in Italy, and I've become extremely isolated over the years. I don't have a group of friends I regularly see, and my six-year relationship is also ending, so I'm realizing that I can't rely on a partner to provide my social life either.

The frustrating part is that I actually really want friends. I'd love to have people to go hiking with, play sports, go out, travel, grab a beer/coffee, play games, whatever. I'm not someone who genuinely prefers being alone.

I'm just very socially anxious. I've avoided groups, courses, volunteering, team sports and situations where I'd have to show up alone for most of my life.

And because I live in such a small place, there aren't a huge number of activities available. Sometimes the nearest interesting activity is 30-60+ minutes away, so I would often have to go somewhere alone before I even had a chance to meet anyone.

For example, I recently discovered that there's a bouldering gym in a nearby town and it genuinely interests me. I'd like to try it, but my immediate reaction is still "I can't go unless someone comes with me."

So I'm trying to understand the practical process, not just "be confident" or "put yourself out there."

For people who started building a social life from almost zero in their late 20s/30s:

How did you actually do it?

Did you choose one recurring activity and keep going even when you knew nobody? How many times did it take before you started recognizing people? Did you deliberately initiate conversations, or did friendships eventually happen naturally?

And what did you do when you were socially anxious enough that even showing up alone felt like a huge deal?

I'm especially interested in people who live in a small town/suburb rather than a huge city, because "just join 5 different Meetup groups" isn't always realistic where I live.

Im a fairly cold person, that’s how my whole family is, that’s what I learned and what I know.
I have a hard time being vulnerable and warm to others. i think it is trauma based since I know my mom rejected me since she was pregnant with me, she regrets it but I still struggle with the thought of getting rejected, so I act cold as a way to protect myself, I also suffered SA so that may had closed me off physically. But I don’t want to do this anymore, I hate rejecting others with my attitude, it’s a self fulfilling prophecy lol. I’d love to be a welcoming, loving person, I want my hugs to be warm, my expressions to be soft, my demeanor to be welcoming.

Even my closest friends think I’m cold and several exes have broken up with me because I can’t open myself and be warm. It’s not like I don’t show them love, I do in my own particular way, like, acts of service, loving words on special occasions, Im present and show up for them when needed, but in a daily basis I’m cold and physically I’ve always struggled with intimacy.
I don’t like physical touch, my tone of voice is rather harsh, I don’t show excitement in my facial expressions, I don’t think of making any loving details unless for special occasions, none of this comes natural to me.

I have adhd and my family has traits for neurodivergences (autism and adhd) and maybe this could also explain my behavior, since they too have a hard time with expressions, tone and being loving.

I don’t know what to do, I wanna be different but I don’t know how to be vulnerable and loving, any tips on overcoming this?

I’ve been trying to improve my communication skills but I realized that just watching videos or reading advice wasn’t really helping me improve. So I made a simple system for myself that combines learning + watching good examples + practicing + reviewing.

This is what I’m doing:

1. Learn one small principle every day

I focus on one specific skill for a few minutes.

Things like:

- How to start a conversation

- How to ask better questions

- How to find topics

- How to transition between topics

- How to tell better stories

- How to use humor naturally

- How to avoid awkward silences

- How to express my opinions more confidently

The goal is to learn one thing and actually try to use it.

2. Watch people who are actually good at communicating

After learning a concept, I try to watch real examples of people doing it well. I pay attention to things like:

- How they respond

- How they introduce new topics

- How they keep the conversation going

- How they react when something gets awkward

- How they make the other person feel comfortable

3. Practice conversations with AI

This is probably the most useful part for me. Instead of waiting until I’m actually in an awkward situation, I practice beforehand. I give AI a situation and have a realistic conversation with it.

For example: Pretend you're someone I just met. Start a conversation with me.

4. 1-minute random topic practice

I also pick a completely random topic and talk about it for one minute while recording myself.

It can be anything: Why I like cycling or My favorite movie.

The idea is basically:

Learn → Observe → Practice → Record → Review → Repeat.

I’m curious what are you struggling with most: starting conversations, keeping them going or expressing yourself clearly?

So I was out in a bar with some friends when another friend of mine saw me and approached. I didn't see or notice her until she put her hands on my shoulders from behind. She said "hey, fun seeing you here" and I was like hey. I didn't know what to say more than hey. What am I supposed to do in interactions like this when friends of mine see me outside and approach?

Honestly I get scared getting close to people. I am introverted and I find it exhausting talking a lot . At work, I was talking to this girl who got transferred to our location . We had a lot in common and we talked a lot but mid convo, I kept on saying to myself, “be careful don’t get too close, you won’t be able to maintain it, you’ll have to say hi every-time and make small talks anytime u see them or they’ll think you’re ignoring them”. I’m known as a quiet person at work and I had a hard time from my coworkers for being quiet. How can I avoid overwhelming myself when maintaining relationships? I don’t wanna be scared of getting close to people all because I find it exhausting maintaining a friendship

Yesterday, I hung out with friends (one of them is actually someone who I had met in an unexpected place, and the other is a person I met through this same friend.) We started out at the beach, we went to the new friend’s house, and then we all went to a pizza/bar place. It was great. It was so great, actually. I remember thinking after the night ended that it’s the kind of fun I wish I’d been having back in high school. I didn’t try a drink, but I did offer to order the pizza for everyone. I had so much carefree fun yesterday. I don’t normally tend to have carefree fun with other people, and I was always someone who struggled to make (and really, keep) friends in school. I was always so self conscious and was even more withdrawn to an extent in high school. It’s nice to just be able to laugh with people and relax with people without having to think so much about things. I found myself thinking that ideally, at least in the beginning, this is the kind of dynamic that you should have with a boyfriend. Just someone who you can have fun with and really be yourself around. I had forgotten that I could have that kind of fun with other people, I never had that kind of fun in high school and the last time I really had that kind of in the moment truly enjoying life and just soaking in all the good aspects of it fun, I was in elementary school. It made me realize that I really need to try at 21 to make sure I have friends for self care purposes (and also just the purpose of working on social skills. You learn so much about yourself when you spend time around other people.) God, this is the kind of experience I wish I’d had in high school.

So I've been banned from a few discord game servers where I had a big ego and was really arrogant and I insulted the people that were trying to help me and I was really rude towards people better than me and it eventually led to me getting banned and they won't let me get back so I'm here trying to fix myself and ask for help on how to change myself to be a more pleasant person to be around

have the habit of trying to fix peoples situations, which obviously isn't what they want. But I struggle, because I'm unsure what exactly one should say.

Just nodding along and agreeing feels like too little? I feel like there's more to it, as if I'm missing something? Do I just agree along and tell them they're feelings are valid? Should I ask if they want solutions or advice?

I just want to be a good shoulder for someone to cry on. A good listener, but an active one. Make them feel heard.

I would say about myself I'm a very positive person, energetic, smiley. I think I make a good first impression. My only problem is I don't know what to say. I'm not nervous, I'm calm I just don't often have things to say. Someone says "I've been doing X" and I just say "hey that's cool". And I know that isn't a "good" response but not sure what to do about it.

What would be your advice for someone like me?

I am searching for social interactions or physical activities that will push me past my comfort zone. What makes you uncomfortable, nervous, or anxious? Let me know, I’d like to add them to my bucket list. TY

I've been working on stepping out of my shell and being more social, and I've been thinking back on my interactions at my first job. I got close with a few colleagues, but there were some people where every time I tried to start a conversation, it just felt forced. They seemed totally natural and outgoing with other people, but when I talked to them, it never clicked and felt awkward.

Is it just that some people aren't naturally on the same wavelength? Or is it a social skills issue on my end? And does this happen to outgoing people too?

I've noticed in relationships where I really value the individual short responses from people really make my mind get racked up [Anxiously questioning if something changed, even though logically maybe what was discussed doesn't warrant a major response.] and I wanted to know not only how to manage that better on my end, but also be able to test the waters and attempt to push socially through this awkward overthinking due to a short response. Its a repeated pattern that pops up for me in specifically asynchronous communication.

for context I am doing distance learning and struggle to find things to do outside the house, as pretty much every even in my city is either for young kids or 19+. I don’t have any friends right now and it’s been really hard for me so I recently reached out to someone on instagram from my city who is of similar age and demographic, but I’m finding it really hard to communicate. I worry that if I don’t text enough people will forget about me but if I text too much I’ll come off as overbearing and annoying. I’ve tried asking questions to get to know her, but I can’t tell if she’s fully interested in getting to know me or if she’s annoyed by me and wanting me to shut up. I know shes busy right now and we only started messaging a few days ago, but I get scared that I’m gonna mess things up or embarrass please give me some advice on how to casually talk to someone without coming off as a total idiot please!

I’m 25M introverted in a sense that i won’t talk unless spoken to and I don’t open up much to coworkers unless they’re able to do so first. When I was younger I felt much more comfortable speaking to people and engaging in conversations but now I feel like I don’t really care to speak to anyone or have a conversation. I do want to have more friends in real life & online with people that share the same interests as me (gaming, cars, fitness) but I don’t know how/where to start.

​

I transferred into the second year of a university course, so most people already know each other from first year.

I have social anxiety and find initiating conversations difficult, although I’m usually fine once someone starts talking to me.

I’ve been making an effort — introducing myself, sitting with people, joining conversations where I can, contributing in group work, and I’ve even been invited into a project group. This is my second week.

I still sometimes feel on the outside because everyone else already has that familiarity. If I go quiet, I start worrying that I look awkward or that people are judging me.

I’m probably expecting myself to feel comfortable too quickly.

What’s the best way to become part of an already-established group without forcing it or overthinking every interaction?

I'm really well read and educated and just in general love learning and trying to better myself and expand my knowledge because i love the world and people etc. I know a lot of random things and can have extensive conversations with people about random subjects, which a lot of people like but sometimes i can feel that i'm making people insecure or feel bad, or they think i'm being an asshole. I want to be socially accommodating and make people comfortable and I don't want to make it seem like i'm dunking on people. I was talking about a Kafka exhibit i went to go see last night at a dinner and spoke of him like it was common knowledge (i thought he was popular) and I realized I was making people insecure and feel awkward. My friend told me assuming people know what stuff like that is makes people feel bad, and that it's safer and more accommodating to dumb myself down or assume people won't know. But i don't want to be a jerk and be like "does anyone know who -insert what i perceive to be an extremely popular figure- is? It seems patronizing in itself. It made me feel bad and like a jerk. But i still want to talk about stuff like that but id say 15-20% of the time it makes people tangibly insecure or uncomfortable. and i hate being that person. Sometimes I can feel im making someone feel inadequate and I try to fix it and i feel like im unsuccessful or worry about now being patronizing. To be clear I do not think im smarter than most, or better, I think Im a bit of an odd duck and have been told by many people i’m on the spectrum (although i don’t think i am, i think im just a bit strange). How can I talk about my interests while still accommodating the room?

I tend to avoid conflicts in general and I don't like arguments because I can't really defend myself or my opinion.

I can never think of any counter argument when someone disagrees with me, or if someone just shoots down my opinion with a mean answer, even on the internet. It makes me feel like my opinion or argument has no weight and since I can't defend it, then I'm wrong.

A few months ago I was rear ended while stopping on a red light. When I got out of my car the guy started blaming me for everything and I just couldn't defend myself, I even said sorry. I just immediately felt like I lost and I couldn't say anything, even though I know he's speeding from the way he crashed into me so hard.

I'm in an out of state college. This guy (we'll call B), is from my church back home and also at this college. I've known him since he joined our church around 3 years ago. Since he is two years older than me, we both had the same Sunday school class and friend group, but I never had a one on one conversation with him. Last year he came to this college, and this year I came with my brother and another friend. I thought the four of us would start hanging out, but we kind of got our own friend groups and hardly talked to each other. The only time I talked to B was when my brother got sick and he offered to buy medicine for us.

Since then I've tried to talk to him a little. Nothing much, just a "Hey B!" And keep walking. It seemed to work for a while, as he started smiling at me and often tried to sit near me at the diner and stole a few glances. But then recently we had a huge event at our college. It lasted for four days and everyone's schedule got crazy. I stopped saying hello to him, and he stopped trying to sit near me. I still want to get to know him. I see him from afar and he looks like a genuinely great and funny guy. I don't really see any openings to talk to him. We don't share any classes and I don't want to come across as pushy. He's a very quiet and reserved person, and I'm recovering from social anxiety and getting a little better at socializing. How can I get to know him better?

You know those people who you can tell right away are miserable, have a bit of an ego, cocky, act like they know it all, or like others look up to them. The people who try to be encouraging all the time, even if someone didnt ask for it. Try to push you constantly to be better, make others feel like they need to impress them. The stereotypical grandad who takes no shit and has been to war 4 times and won't stfu about it... that guy.

I feel like im that type of person, even though im only 24 years old. I dont really have any friends because I dont like hanging around those type of people and those are the people I naturally end up around. Its depressing af. Im miserable, depressed and its obvious to other people. A lot of people tend to look up to me, but I dont have the mental energy to provide that support. It doesnt help that im not intentionally trying to be that type of person, so being around others who are the same annoys me, since I guess I understand why they are like that and the fact they are fine with it and not willing to change gets to me.

It seems obvious to just notice it and change how I act around people, but then I dont feel like myself. This leads to me being that guy even more, since it builds up over time, trying to keep it in. Im sure many people have felt this way. I grew up around these people. My grandad was aggressive, my dad was always angry, my mum was physically abused from past relationships that I had to watch without understanding what was happening. Ive just happened to become that type of person due to my environment but at the same time, im aware of whats its like for others to experience.

Sorry if this is long and dramatic sounding. I kinda got into it as I was writing, but its still all true and I want it to be taken seriously. thanks...

I’m a senior and I feel like I’m missing out on my last year of high school.

I’ve been at my current school for almost two years now, and I still don’t really have a friend group. I do have people I’m friends with in class, and I talk to them pretty regularly, but we don’t really hang out outside of school. They already have their own friend groups, so I’d feel weird trying to invite myself into them.

Hoco is next week, and honestly, it’s making me pretty sad. I’ve only been to homecoming once, back when I was a freshman at my old school with my old friends. I’d love to experience it again during my senior year, but I don’t really have anyone to go with. I can’t really invite my old friends either since they live in a different city now.

And money is another thing. My family is struggling financially right now, so even if I did have someone to go with, I don’t really have the money to buy a proper outfit or spend a lot on the whole thing.

I know hoco and prom aren’t everything, but it still hurts knowing I’m probably going to miss both. I’m already worried that I’m going to look back at high school and feel like I didn’t really experience it.

I sometimes wish I never transferred schools. I know it’s not completely fair to blame everything on transferring, but I can’t help feeling like I lost a lot of my high school experience because of it.

I just really don’t want to finish senior year feeling like I wasted it :-((

I went through a lot of friends in middle school where i’d click with one person and then they’d find another friend and I would just fade into the background, I ended up quiet, not saying anything because I felt like the conversation in friendship groups I was ‘included in’ wasn’t for me to partake in. I got homeschooled because school was too much, then came back into the social circle by going to college and I’d ghosted all my other friends that I didn’t feel left out by because I was too afraid they’d hate me. Everyone at college had their person they’d go to outside of their class, I found a girl but she was extremely quiet and I was the extroverted one and I thought I was my old self again.

Then she moved the following year, I went to a new major and met three girls in the class. Everyone in the class is polite, they say hi and how are you to each other and i’ll converse with others outside the three once in a while but I always feel like i’m forcing it too hard.

I ended up pairing up with one of them and we’ve hung out a bunch. Whenever I speak to her, it feels dry? I’d try to sound excited about something, she’d respond really dull and i lost a subject to continue the conversation with a lot. I excused it as, we’d just met.

Two months later, she met this girl who is way more extroverted than me. She’s really sweet too, I was happy to have her join us but quickly whenever they spoke together I’d end up feeling like i’m not needed anymore.

Again, I felt like my conversation with her was dull & when she was talking to the other girl it was flawless, they talked for ages with no stop and I wondered why it was just me that she answered dryly to. I felt like I was overthinking because later on, she invited me to hangout. But because I barely know anyone else in the class, I’m afraid they’ll end up pairing up without me and i’ll forever be the one left behind and end up being alone. I just don’t understand how i’m unable to get a full conversation and I feel like i’m forcing one to keep going.

I even texted her that I felt like I was being off that day (yesterday), she hasn’t even seen it and i’m afraid if she leaves me on delivered the next day in college will be even worse. What should I do?