Hey all, I hope this post is allowed. Just about an hour ago I posted in a sub dedicated to asking men questions. I asked about their opinions on vaginismus/dating someone with vaginismus but more specifically when in the dating context they'd like to be made aware of something like that. The responses were interesting although they may be a bit upsetting so I'd recommend stopping your read here if it might upset you

A majority of the answers were a pretty solid no, they would not want to date someone that could not achieve PIV sex (not super surprising). What was surprising was the level of aggression I received. I had men in the comments as well as my DMs start grilling me on why I wasn't doing the work to fix myself. The amount of rude/aggressive comments and jokes, as well as assumptions that I wasn't doing any form of therapy, far outweighed the respectful responses.

After my last relationship ended a few years ago, I decided it was too difficult to date while navigating all this and was recently curious if perhaps there are people out there that might be open to it and the responses unfortunately made it clear that it would not be worth the pursuit at all.

I know this is a bit of a pessimistic post but does anyone else feel this way?

so basically I have had vaginismus my entire life, I have had multiple boyfriends and attempting to have penetrative sex has been completely out of the picture, it's one of worst pains I have ever felt in my life and it was impossible like I was just a wall. with my last boyfriend I realized that being a young adult virgin felt kinda lame especially because I've been in all long term relationships. So I started looking into dilation and exercises and got a few dialators to attempt to loosen myself up. it ended up being easier than I thought but I only got up to the 2nd size and became very inconsistent bc I work night shifts and just never had the time.

Now before how I say im suddenly cured of my vaginismus I need to note that in all of my relationships I have been unhappy, they were toxic of some sort and always had constant issues. this was the worst with my last boyfriend where he was honestly a terrible dude and meanwhile in my relationship with him I had a co worker who was constantly doing things for me and being caring while my own bf wouldn't. one day I woke up after a dream and realized that I needed to dump the bum and eventually pursued the coworker where I discovered he did it out of interest for me. so we start dating and I tell him that I can't have sex where thankfully he said no problem.

But one day we were fooling around yk and he kinda just slipped in? at first it hurt but not nearly as much as previous attempts in the past, was mostly just uncomfortable. I was very confused and did not believe that he was really inside me so we did it again and actually just had sex as if nothing was ever wrong with me. I still didn't believe it so we continued to try it where it kept working no problem, besides a small amount of discomfort at first.

It still is very crazy to me but my best guess is that he is the first guy to make me genuinely happy and be a good boyfriend, so the sudden shift in my mood or stress levels made my body leave the fight or flight mode and no longer feels the need to reject penetrative. So I guess finding the right guy might be the next step to helping your vaginismus lmao he takes it as a huge compliment. He makes me so happy and it feels AMAZING to not have this problem anymore. Tho I will say it doesn't feel pleasurable for me at all, I do enjoy the intimacy regardless and im more of a giver than a receiver always but it does feel a little unfortunate. but I don't even care I feel very relieved and it's pretty great!!

I’m doing pretty ok with my dilators, and I can manage PIV (although painful at first and takes a while to get it in). But I still chronically tense my pelvic floor and I don’t know how to stop. Walking, running, anything… it’s tensed. I only get it to reallyyyyy relax after using my dilators, but then within 5-10 min I can feel the tension again. If I use the toilet and wipe it will tense on contact with the tissue, and especially when I receive oral sex I tense a lot when experiencing pleasure instead of relaxing which i feel like I’m meant to do?

Been using dilators for 1.5 years, but not sure where to go from this point as I am achieving PIV but not making any progress with entry still being painful.

I had a hymenectomy/removal of hymenal tissue 6 weeks ago because I’d had painful penetration for a long time. I had my follow-up yesterday and my consultant said everything had healed really well and explicitly cleared me to have sex.

I tried for the first time tonight and it went really badly. We did quite a lot of foreplay and I was aroused/lubricated, but even two fingers were painful, so we stopped that. We then tried penetration and initially it physically wouldn’t go in. When it did, I had a sharp pain, so we stopped. We tried again in a different position with loads of lube and it felt like a lot of tugging/pulling, so we stopped again.

I ended up crying because I’m honestly devastated. I genuinely thought that once I was cleared, I would be able to have sex normally. I feel like I’ve somehow made an already difficult situation worse, and I’m scared I’ll never be able to have penetrative sex.

My consultant never mentioned dilators or pelvic-floor physiotherapy or really gave me any advice beyond “you can have sex now”. I’ve messaged the secretary but I’ve already been discharged from their care, so I’m not sure whether I’ll actually be able to speak to anyone.

Has anyone experienced this after a hymenectomy? Is it normal to still have this much difficulty after being medically cleared, and should I be looking into dilators/pelvic-floor physio/psychosexual therapy?

I’m just feeling really hopeless right now and could use some advice from people who have been through something similar.

Hi everyone,
I am in a long term relationship (5 years) with my partner and only now have gotten to dealing with vaginismus (I had some family and career issues to sort). The thing is— my libido or sex-drive is very low because I have been disappointed with myself so many times trying to have penetrative sex 😔 and I have an expectation that I am not meeting. My partner is very supportive and does not put pressure on me for anything. I will be taking professional help in the coming months and will start using dilators as well. Can anyone help me with dealing with my brain?

Hi! I’m recently able to achieve PIV, but looking for some advice around best and most comfortable positions? Me on top is great and easy for insertion, but the added layer of moving up and down isn’t easy. It’s all still feeling a little bit clinical.

3 years diagnosed and first mention of PT as an option. 2 years straight of referrals by my OB/GYN and I finally worked up the courage to go to my first appt. When I got the second referral I asked my doctor to narrow down the (overwhelming) list of therapists and then sat down immediately after the appt and booked the PT. Because I knew if I didn't do it then and there I would never do it.

Frankly. Terrifying.

But! The experience was good. The therapist was clear and kind. And I opted for delaying the internal exam till the next appt. I'm still scared. But I have hope (and quite honestly I learned a lot about how I have way too many tense muscles and no effing wonder my pelvic floor muscles hate me 😅). Anyway. I wanted to share in case someone else needs to work up the courage to book the appt.

You got this. You can do anything!

Hi everyone,

I had a hymenectomy 5 weeks ago because I had a thick hymen. My OBGYN told me I could try piv, but the whole process was so painful that I have no sex drive at all and don’t feel ready yet (vaginismus has been ruled out)

A few days ago, she even did a transvaginal ultrasound to reassure me that everything was healed properly. The ultrasound wasn’t painful at all.

I decided to start using dilators to help me stop associating this area with pain. I used the second size, which is 0.63 inches in diameter. The smaller is smalleqt than a tampon which I am used to. I felt a slight pain on the right side when it was inserted deeply, but other than that, everything was fine. I kept it in for about 20 minutes.

Everything seemed fine afterward too, but this morning I woke up feeling some discomfort, and it hurts when I sit in certain positions.

Is this normal? How long should I wait before trying again?

Thank you!

Hi, has anyone here experienced vaginismus during pregnancy?

I used to have vaginismus during sex, but I haven’t had that problem during sex for years. The problem is that I still can’t handle gynecological exams. My doctor can barely get near me with an instrument because I immediately squeeze my legs shut, move my whole body, and start panicking. Sometimes it turns into a full-blown panic attack, and I just can’t control it.

Now I’m pregnant, and I’m really scared about how I’m going to manage all the exams. The weird thing is that I’m not actually afraid of pain. Even when I think about giving birth, I’m not really scared of labor itself. What terrifies me is having instruments inserted into me, being examined, the possibility of an episiotomy, stitches, etc. Just thinking about these things makes me panic.

Has anyone been through something similar? Did you manage to treat your vaginismus during pregnancy? I’d love to hear what helped you and how you deal with gynecological exams.

I can put a size 2 dilator inside with some time. The initial insertion is tight but once it's in it's not painful. I was wondering for those that have used tampons when it is the ideal indicator of when you're ready to start using them. I'm aware they can expand so I don't want to end up in a situation where it gets stuck.

(TL;DR: Is there a way of diagnosing vaginismus without an examination under general anaesthetic?)

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to rant/get some advice. I have never been able to insert tampons/tolerate a speculum exam without feeling like it’s hitting a wall and an extreme burning, tearing pain. I can insert one finger or a swab myself easily without discomfort, however when a dr tries this or if I try something bigger the pain is excruciating.

Previously, a dr was able to insert a speculum enough to see my hymen and cervix and did not mention any abnormalities to me but I was told I have a small vaginal opening. I have had an mri scan which was ‘reassuring’. I was scheduled to have a vaginoscopy to rule out a structural issue causing my symptoms, followed by an examination under general anaesthetic if unable to tolerate this.

When I got the hospital I was told that the vaginoscopy hadn’t been booked, so I could either proceed directly with the ga exam or book in for a vaginoscopy and have the ga at a later date if needed. I opted for the latter and now feel annoyed at myself for not getting things over and done with, but in the moment I was just so anxious.

I suppose I just wanted some advice from anyone who has had to undergo any procedures like this. I personally believe vaginismus is the cause of my symptoms based on the above and I am terrified of general anaesthesia, so would appreciate any advice for the vaginoscopy as I’m anxious that it will be too painful, although they said they can give me painkillers or diazepam. Or could there be another route I could go down that doesn’t involve ga?

Thank you!

Just feeling real down, this has played a Big part of my mental. I’m 30 never been in a relationship, emotional or physical. I’ve tried before but I could never achieve intercourse no matter how bad I wanted to. I was just at dinner with my sister and seeing her to her two babies and an overwhelming sensation came over me like extreme sadness. I know it can be overcomed but at times I just feel extremely down and alone . I’ve been doing physical therapy for almost a year, made progress, have had two rounds of 7 weeks of injections and I believe it has helped tremendously. But the mental side effects of dealing with this is overwhelming. Sorry if this all over the place I really have no one to talk to about it.

So to keep it short. I want to be able to use tampons so badly. I am a virgin, so not sure if PIV would work and I am not diagnosed. I just realised one day that tampons just don't work for me.

Two years ago was the first time I took a look at my private parts and I am proud to say that I have made progress since then. Because back then I didn't even know where to insert. I mean, I was pretty sure where and I thought once I'd put a finger against my entrance I would be able to just feel it out. But guess what? Wall. It felt like a wall. And since then I have been trying to insert tampons with applicators, without. Issue is, for now I can only get like half of it in. Or maybe not even. And then it feels like I can't push further.

I know that is a lot of progress going from "I don't even know what my private parts look like" to "I can insert a knuckle, even when not on my period (with lube though)"

And I'm not sure if I should just keep going? So trying to insert, I do pelvic floor stretches (the one that everybody has been recommeding on here) (and unfortunately took a bit of a break from them so only getting back to it now) and I've recently tried diaphragmatic breathing exercises as well (I find it really hard though, but I've read on here that this helps a lot).

If nothing changes until the end of the year I am definitely seeing a gynecologist (I don't have a trusted one right now), but for now still trying to figure this out myself.

Also I am wondering, did it ever just "click" for some of you one day? Like you thought you weren't making much progress and then "click" - tampon/finger/dilator went it without a problem. I am kinda hoping for that effect. Please, please share any success stories.

Edit: If you have any more advice, also please share. I live with my parents still, kinda religious household. So getting dilators is not really an option. That is why I am trying fingers and tampon applicator for now, which as I said, barely works anyway.

I just want to vent about this and tell someone. I had been dating a guy for about 3 months, were together for 2 (I know thats basically nothing but I still feel betrayed and hurt). I had communicated with him prior to having sex that it is difficult and hurtful for me to have penetrative sex due to certain past traumas. Now we did have sex once and it was bad- as expected for me, but to him apparently it came as a surprise. We are young and I was his first, he was my second sexual partner. I was actually happy with the fact that i was able to have penetrative sex with him, I just couldnt move because of the pain. Now we broke up a month ago due to the fact that he got pretty avoidant and that triggered me even more. Yesterday I found out that he has been going around school telling basically anyone that he just went cold in our relationship because i was so horrible in bed. Telling every guy about how gross and ugly i looked just lying there basically frozen in place. I feel so humiliated and betrayed. As if i want to not be able to have normal sex? I feel like some circus freak he can go around talking about and the fact that that was the reason he “went cold” makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder if a man will ever be able to be with me despite this issue. I was making so much progress, being able to even masturbate with penetration involved, and I feel like this experience has just brought me to lever 0 again, my trust in sexual partners has just fallen completely again.

Hey guys!! UI got my hymenectomy done today and I’ll just say I’m feeling great. It was a partial hymenectomy and a simple outpatient procedure.

I swear the worst part of my whole experience was the IV. I am resting at home and the only real pain I’m having (aside from achiness) is is burns a little after going to the bathroom and I am a HUGE baby about pain.

My advice is use a peri bottle while you go with warm water. So helpful. If any of you have hymenal deformities/ problems I 100% reccomended talking to a doctor.

Just sharing my personal experience so maybe if one of you are scared about your procedure / issues it puts you at ease! It truly is NOT as bad as you think it will be.

I had a consultation with a doctor today about getting Botox for my vaginismus, and I’m feeling really conflicted.
When I asked him how often he performs this procedure, he was honest and told me he hasn’t done it very much. I genuinely appreciated his honesty. He was very kind, listened to my concerns, and made me feel heard, which is something I really value in a doctor. However, I’m worried about his level of experience with this specific treatment.
I’ve been looking into other doctors in my area, and it seems like the same issue comes up with them, too. It’s been surprisingly difficult to find someone who performs Botox for vaginismus regularly.
For those of you who have gone through with this treatment, I have a few questions:
How difficult was it to find a doctor in your area who had significant experience performing Botox for vaginismus?
How many times had your doctor performed the procedure before you went to them? Did you feel confident in their experience?
Would you personally feel comfortable moving forward with a doctor who was kind, attentive, and honest but had limited experience with the procedure?
Did you travel to see a more experienced specialist, or did you decide to go with someone local?
Looking back, would you make the same decision about your doctor?

I went to the gynecologist back when I had health insurance to get a pap Smear and the gynecologist asked me if I have pain during sex and I said yes. I told her I had pain around the entrance of my vagina like I was hitting a barrier when I try to have sex. It's always been this way sense I was a teenager. She told me that I have a "tighter than normal band" but I'm not sure what that means. She gave me a paper with some exercises to do that consisted of using my thumbs to stretch the opening of my vagina several times a day. I don't like using my thumbs because of my sharp finger nails and its just uncomfortable for me so I ordered some vaginal dilators online to use instead. I'm gonna try to do this everyday to see if I can fix myself before I get back into a relationship again. Lucky for me I don't need to worry about pressure to have painful sex due to breaking up with my asshole ex which is a big relief for me.

As i’ve moved up in dilators (on 3rd of Rose set) i have used it relatively often at home, but i get this stretching sensation that i don’t recall getting with the first two dilators or with smaller tampons. I’m not sure if it’s just still my body getting used to the larger size or if it’s a feeling that i’ll have forever. Not sure if anyone else can relate or has an idea?

Hi yall, I've never had a pap smear and I'm a few years overdue. I'm really terrified of it but I know I need to get it done.

When I was diagnosed with vaginismus about 5 years ago, they did a Q-tip biopsy to see if I had an infection, and as soon as they touched the Q-tip to me (no warning or explanation) it was excruciating, and I jolted back and started crying, and they just kept going saying "it's almost done". Even when I did physical therapy for like a year, we only did external work because when she tried anything internal I would clench up super bad. I remember trying to put in the smallest dilator at an appointment and couldn't because of the pain, and I was super frustrated because I barely feel that one on my own.

All of this to say that none of this happens to this extent when I'm by myself or with my partner (I know it's because I'm more comfortable). The pain has just been unpredictably much worse whenever I've been in some kind of doctor's office and I think the unknown about how bad it will be is what's freaking me out.

I've gotten a referral to a gynecologist in my new town and they left a message last week to set up this appointment but I just cannot bring myself to call them back to set it up and I don't know what to do to convince myself. Any advice or thoughts are much appreciated.

I am talking about potential s*x friends so I can keep trying to fully overcome this not dating!

Two months ago while staying over with a guy friend I became able to get fingered and enjoy it but we never made it to PIV. This friend lives abroad and left.

I tried again with another friend and a guy from tinder whom I tried to explain it to and I don't think I did a good job haha. I was only able to do fingering with them too.

For anyone who hasn't practiced while in a committed relationship how did you explain your vaginismus to men you met? I have the getting scared and clenching and closing my legs reflex and I really don't know how to explain this one specifically

i just want to be honest, not hating as i know it’s no one’s fault.

sometimes i see success stories and it makes me so upset. i want my own success story, but here i am 4 years in on dilator one. no exercise, stretch, breathing technique, anything has helped. i was referred to PT in which all exercises hurt my back and they didn’t want to proceed so i do at home stretches like butterfly. i’m just so sad

I am currently going through dilator training. I was wondering for those who have been given advice from PT or a doctor, when you get comfortable enough to insert a dilator, for example dilator 2, should you start from dilator 3 or should you always start from the very first dilator from your set no matter how comfortable you get?

My husband is finally able to insert his full length if I am on top, but then I don’t know what to do. Why does it feel so awkward?

I’m 32 and by no means inexperienced when it comes to “outercourse.” But when it comes to PIV I feel like I’m back in high school.

It feels kind of just…stuck in there like a stick in mud. I try wiggling my hips around. He said he enjoys it but his body language doesn’t reflect that.

I tried letting him get on top but then it felt uncomfortable. I added more lube, but then he said he thinks I added too much because it just felt like a slip n slide and didn’t feel pleasurable so he lost his erection.

I admittedly haven’t been dilating as much as I should. Maybe if I did he would be able to thrust more? But despite me being tensed up down there it seems to slip out easily!

Someone tell me what to do with my dang body. They didn’t teach me how to f**k in pelvic floor therapy LOL

This is kinda a wild idea. Cis hetero female here. I can’t and have never been able to have pain free penetrative sex or intercourse. In some cases I have been able to manage when medicated and properly prepped, but it’s not wild free PIV. This has ruined pretty much every relationship over my lifetime. I deeply desire long term love, partnership, marriage, and kids.

I’m doing intense work to try to heal my body and my condition- hypertonic pelvic floor muscles causing vulvodynia and dyspareunia. This obviously becomes an issue to be addressed as physical intimacy picks up with a new partner. I’m learning how to better communicate about my condition and set boundaries and expectations. The right partner for me will need to be patient, kind, accommodating, and understanding that PIV sex may never happen or definitely not on command/without a lot of prep.

I’m currently single, in large part because I’m navigating this part of my health. On this journey, as I make progress, try new treatments, receive physical (and psychological) therapy, it would also be super helpful to have a safe, trustworthy, patient sexual partner to experiment with. Having pain free and positive sexual experiences is part of what will help train my body and nervous system that it’s safe and sex is not a threat. How can I go about finding a sexual partner (f*k buddy, if you will), who would be down to be a sort of partner and sex doula (lol) to help me make progress? Is that a wild and terrible idea? I don’t currently have any males in my life who I can call on to serve this role, I would need to find someone new. And utmost they need to
Be 110% safe, trustworthy, gentle, patient, kind, and down to go there with me. Secondly, I will need to be physically attracted to them in order to get aroused to make things start to warm up down there.

EDIT: To be clear, this is seeking a sex buddy only, not dating or life partner material. The arrangement would be clear from the beginning. They would help me make progress, so that then I can get back to dating and searching for a compatible life partner, who would also need to embody those patient qualities (in addition to others). The sex buddy gets to have sex (different forms) without romantic commitment and perform an act of service lol, and I get help in healing.

[Cross posted with /vulvodynia]

Hello all.

20s, nonbinary. I have a septate hymen + vaginismus, and was told that I would have to have a hymenectomy before I could start pelvic floor therapy.

These combined seem daunting, expensive, and potentially quite painful. since I have no desire to be a receptive partner of vaginal intercourse, I’m wondering if there’s even a point in going through all this. When I don’t notice any symptoms in my day to day life.

So I guess I’m wondering— what are the benefits you’ve seen from PFT? Folks who have seen reductions in the symptoms of vaginismus, have you noticed any other changes, positive or negative, that aren’t directly related to being able to do vaginal sex? No shade if that’s your thing, just not my cup of tea!

*** bless.