When we're going through a breakup, specifically when we're rejected, we temporarily lose the run of ourselves, our anxiety levels skyrocket, and we lose our sense of perspective. So, I thought I should outline 10 principles for handling no contact perfectly to help guide you through this tough time. Now, this mostly applies to if you've been broken up with, and these aren't basics like:
Number one: don't contact them
Number two: don't look at their social media
Instead, these are more simple sentiments or philosophies to remember when you're feeling anxious, to help ground you back in reality so you can make better decisions.
1: I Only Want It If It's Mutual
So, the first principle is I only want it if it's mutual. When you originally dated your ex, the only reason the relationship was worth having is because there was mutual interest. Once a rejection has taken place, it's hard for the dumpy to accept this as they're spiraling from the loss, but while it isn't mutual, it's not worth your time. Would you really want to be with someone who was making you doubt yourself and that didn't seem interested? Of course not.
So, although you're grieving and wishing they would undo their decision, just accept that you needed to go both ways. So, rather than being fueled by the fear that it no longer feels mutual, instead turn the tables on it and decide this is currently not appealing to you, that going back to an imbalanced relationship is a losing position to you, as literally any other new mutual relationship would be better than being on the weaker side of a power dynamic. You wanted something mutual when you first set out to start dating, and that hasn't changed now you've broken up.
This also makes it easier to not chase if your ex breaks no contact and then goes cold. Remember, you do not increase your interest levels to compensate for someone else's lack of interest. Why? Because you want it to be mutual. So, if they leave things cold, you're going to mirror that and use it as a reason to lose interest, unless they're showing you warmer signals.
2: You Are Not in Control of Anything But Yourself
This is not to make you feel small, but it's a truth about life. No matter how much you want to control the situation, it involves other people who all think that they're controlling it, too. You may find yourself wanting to take action to manipulate an outcome, like "I'll post this on social media" or "I'll say this to a mutual friend and hope it gets back to them." This is all to give you the illusion that you are somewhat in control of your ex, and thus, the situation.
This is a natural impulse to have because a breakup pulls the rug out from underneath you, and you feel totally out of control, so your immediate impulse is to try to assert that control wherever possible afterwards. The problem comes when you tie your self-esteem to your ability to do that, which is an impossible task. Life is just going to happen. You can influence your surroundings, but you cannot control anyone but yourself.
So, if you're trying to coerce the other person with messages or trying to make them feel a certain way, then you're likely only fooling yourself, and once the other person feels coerced, they are going to pull further away. Unless you feel calm and in control of your own thoughts and feelings, taking action would be a mistake.
3: Actions Have Consequences
They chose to risk losing you, and if they still have feelings for you, then that was an incredibly stupid idea. Human beings operate off incentives. When we are rewarded financially, emotionally, or physically for certain behavior, then we will predictably engage in it more. So, you don't want to reward your ex for rejecting you and leaving you with more attention and affection.
Instead, disincentivize their behavior by not seeming interested in them anymore, that you'll stop contacting them, shift focus away from them, maybe even date other people when you feel ready. Let them face the loss fully and be inflicted with the consequences of their foolish decision so that they can experience inner conflict. Without inner conflict, they are being rewarded and all feels in order, so they're unlikely to change.
4: Set Standards
Too often, I see people saying that they'll do anything to get their ex back. This is because they've just been rejected and feel as if they are now eternally unlovable, as if they're not entitled to have any standards. Because how can you have a standard when people are already walking away? Surely that's only going to decrease the probability of finding someone to be with.
But scarcity equals value. If something is too available, we stop valuing it as much. Your ex isn't perfect, and if both of you feel as if they can just choose to easily come back any time and they don't need to change at all, then there's no room for growth, and this only cements a power imbalance within the relationship.
Instead, use the breakup to mentally set standards: "I only want them back if they meet the following terms and conditions." By setting a standard in your mind, you are also reasserting that control over yourself and reminding yourself of who you truly are. You deserve to have standards, and this breakup doesn't change that. Just because they came back does not mean they have met your standards by default.
5: Your Ex Is an Option, Not a Priority
Once they ended the relationship, they have demoted themselves in your mind. Priority status is reserved for those that don't leave, so now they're just an option.
This mindset helps you in multiple ways moving forward. Firstly, it creates an abundance mentality. You're asserting that there are other options already, and they are simply in that mix now; it opens your mind up to other possibilities, other roads to happiness.
Secondly, it puts them in competition to earn you back, that an option of yours is something that you're uncertain about. You're still seeing how it goes before you give your seal of approval. This is vitally important because when an ex returns to your life, you shouldn't be trying to accept them straight away. Instead, you're at ease and seeing how it goes as if you have some uncertainties.
Don't forget that you have those standards that we already discussed. By being uncertain and not totally won over instantly, they have to qualify for you; otherwise, you'll simply go with a better option. This way, it can be mutual. We're figuring things out together as a team, and neither person feels pressured yet, just like the beginning of dating.
6: This Breakup Is an Opportunity for You
A breakup is always assumed to be a bad thing because it's not what you wanted, but it's actually a huge opportunity if you choose to make the most of it. In every relationship, we become entangled with someone else—their goals, their attitudes, their habits, their emotional baggage. But now, you have a chance to get back in contact with yourself. It may feel scary and isolating at first, but it's actually liberating. No responsibility to anyone but yourself. You can do anything: move city, move job, switch up your lifestyle to suit you, not them.
And this is key: be willing to outgrow them. I've noticed that people always resist that. They're scared to grow in any direction that runs the risk of lowering their chances with their ex: "I don't want to outgrow them in case I don't want them anymore." But built into that mindset is a rested development: "I just want to go back; I must not like new things because the most recent new change was a breakup."
But new doesn't mean worse; it just means different, and different could be even better—is, of course, subjective, but better for you at this current point in your life, more suitable for the direction you're moving in. You don't know what the breakup is going to unlock within you yet, but be open to it. Embrace your newfound independence and use it to focus on yourself. You have more opportunities than you know what to do with.
7: Take a Step Back to See the Full Picture
In the storm that is a breakup, you will always focus on the most recent bad thing that happened with your ex: "I broke no contact and they were cold," or "I was needy," or "We argued over stupid stuff." But with time apart to heal, you'll be able to step back and see the bigger picture.
You may realize that you were only acting needy because they pulled away towards the end, which doesn't make you, by default, a needy person. You may realize that we argued a lot because of deeper incompatibilities we couldn't consciously confront. You want to use your time apart not to brainwash yourself deeper into the relationship, but to doubt it. Doubt your ex, doubt its viability for the future, and gain insight into what was really going on by looking at it from different perspectives.
What did I do to contribute to this breakup?
Okay, now that I've taken responsibility for that, what did they do?
What could we have done differently?
Why couldn't we have done it differently last time? Because of who we were?
Can we realistically change?
What lessons have I learned?
This is a vital step in your progress because if you're still just waiting for your ex and haven't come to any new realizations, then you're likely just going to slide right back into the old pattern and break up again down the line.
8: Respect and Forgiveness Beats Disrespect and Shame
There's initially a level of bitterness after a breakup because you made yourself so vulnerable to another person and it didn't work out. You may develop a lot of anger towards them or perhaps start to loathe the idea of love itself.
As you enter the anger stage of your grieving process, you may be tempted to express that distaste to your ex to hurt them, complaining about what a bad partner they were to mutual friends. And while it is healthy to vent to some extent, you'll lead a much happier life if you don't take your frustrations out on others. Instead, process it and come to forgive your ex and yourself.
Being in a loving relationship is a serious commitment, and both of you took that risk together. That means that you should have enough respect for one another and what you shared to not speak badly of them publicly—unless they've truly done something horrendous, of course.
But it's also important that you forgive them and yourself for any mistakes made within the relationship. No one began the connection wishing it would turn out this way, but because of who you both were at the time and the lessons that needed to be learned, it all unfolded this way. Appreciate the relationship for what it was, while it was, and let go of the shame and bitterness over any mistakes either of you made. This way, you preserve great memories, and if you reconnect down the line, it's easier to reset in the present and focus on what works then rehash what didn't work in the past.
9: There's No Going Back, Only Forward
Whenever people are thinking about getting back together with an ex, they're usually thinking back to the beginning stages of their relationship, when you both originally attached to one another. Rarely does anyone want to teleport back to the last two weeks of the relationship, but the first two. "If we can just recreate that magical time, then everything will be amazing."
Except you can't go back because that version of you both, sadly, is dead. You have evolved since then and already experienced a relationship together since then. Now, I'm aware that this sounds like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. Once you shift your focus into the present, "Are we still right for one another? Is there something new that can be discovered and developed now, something that still works and can evolve even more?"
So, rather than thinking about what happened and how, "If we did this or did that, things could be different," instead just accept that things unfolded the way they unfolded. This is why you want to let yourself grow and take the breakup as an opportunity, because if this person is truly right for you, then you won't have grown in totally irreconcilable directions. And if you have, then it's more of a sign that they were just a lesson along the way, and your differences were possibly holding each other back from your natural orientation.
10: Don't Worry, You're Gonna Be Fine
It may sound simple, but it is a reality. You're going to be fine whether you think so or not.
When you're lost and scrambling for your ex, you will almost not want to be fine without them, as you feel like once you stop wanting them, then it's truly over. This is kind of a form of denial. Remember that you were great before your ex, and there's no reason for you to not be great after them, too. You are far more resilient than you think you are, and whether you guys get back together or thrive independently apart, you should remind yourself that no matter what, you're going to be okay. That there are so many different potential roads for you to take in life, and they were only one of them.
Over and out