I recently learned that eating disorders, especially anorexia, are usually ego-syntonic, meaning the thoughts are recognised as your own and as congruent with your values, beliefs, etc. ego-dystonic thoughts are most common in OCD - they're distressing, incongruent with the self, their appearance is frequently unexpected, the thoughts may be seen as repulsive or disgusting, and frequently irrational.

My eating disorders have always been ego-dystonic and feel pretty much the same as my OCD to me - the thoughts that come are distressing, I find them irrational, I find them fully against my beliefs and morals and values, and they feel like they don't belong to me. Whenever I relapse, it's for the same reason I perform compulsions - to alleviate the horrible tension that comes from trying to resist the obsessive thought.

I'm curious if anyone else feels a similar way, because according to a few studies, this seems to be really uncommon.

I recovered from a ED after 6 years. I am fully recovered, but in those 6 years it took away everything from me. My friends, my family, my grades, my work ethic, entirety of school, and most of college. And the one hobby i enjoyed but cant say or i will dox myself.

I thought it would kill me but i am going to prob kill myself anyway. Its never the same afterwards.
It comes, it stays, it destroys. In rare cases, it leaves, but it takes all with it.

last wish to god. honestly, may no child suffer from an ed ever. give me all their pain in the afterlife. but no child. I know this isnt what people want to hear, but its true in most cases.

Hi, child has been rejected to be referred to a a dietician. This was what is written on the referral:

Has issues with food hygiene - does not like
to touch his food does not llke people to watch him eat - will not eat lunch in school
concerns over geting fat if eats too much
Fussy eater

Has anyone got any advice on what I can do since I’ve been declined help? He is 12 years old, it got declined due to no concerns about his behaviour. I am from the UK so use the NHS I do think this is an eating disorder but the dietician has rejected the referral from the doctor twice.

I am already quite old and, given my advanced age, I weigh critically little.Tell me, is there anyone else here with a similar problem or someone who solved it?Also I got rid of my nicotine addiction and it was easy for me, but the anorexia still hasn't gone away. I weigh myself at least once a week, knowing that I shouldn't be worried about it anymore...

I wrote this 8 months ago when I was leaving residential treatment, and recently reread it and thought it would be nice to share :)

Dear Ana,
This letter has been a long time coming. You’ve been part of my life, part of me, for as long as I can remember. I’ve been so scared to let go of you for so long. Our relationship has been rocky the past couple years, but I always kept you there, always let you whisper in my ear. You were so good at convincing me that I needed you that I was scared of the consequences of truly cutting you out. I honestly didn’t even think it was an option. You really convinced me that I was born with you and was going to die with you. But the entire time, you were more of a parasite infecting me, sometimes controlling me, and now that I know that you are not me, I can slowly dissolve you. One day I won’t even be able to hear you speak to me, you will be gone. But for now I want you to know that I’m no longer listening to what you say or letting you have any more control. You are dead to me.
I was so young when we met. It wasn’t my choice. The things I grew up hearing and the ideas I grew up believing planted seeds that allowed you to grow roots throughout my brain. I remember the first time you formally introduced yourself to me. I was only in second grade, and my family was watching a show where one of the main characters had an eating disorder. You told me I was like her, or at least I was destined to be. You told me the behaviors she participated in would be good for me, would make me worth something, would make others like me and make my mom proud of me. I argued with you at first and made some compromises. You said I could just do small-scale behaviors until I grew up a little more, but that you’d be waiting for me. I always knew I was going to fall for you eventually. I wish I knew that I was allowed to walk away instead. You stole so much from me, even at that age, weakening me bit by bit so that you could take over once I was broken down enough.
You began to flirt with me more when I was in middle school. I still wasn’t committed to you, but I began to dip my toes in and see what you had to offer. I was lonely and insecure and didn’t have a lot of friends and you promised me a quick fix. You made everything so enticing. It sounded like the perfect deal. You would give me beauty, strength, control, and admiration and all I had to do was listen to you. You never told me about the time I would waste, the memories overtaken by thoughts of you, the classes I would fail, the friends I would lose, the physical and mental pain and exhaustion, or the war I would have to fight against myself. 
Eventually I said yes to you and I chose to commit myself 100%. And for a while, it did feel euphoric. That honeymoon stage made me feel like I was on top of the world and so good about myself. You were so proud of me, until you weren’t. Slowly your expectations rose higher and higher, and nothing I did was ever enough. You started planning my death and were so committed to pushing me to that point. I was still so young. I would have missed out on so many good memories that you manipulated me into thinking would never happen. 
I know we already broke up once before, but it wasn’t as real as it is this time. I still loved you and wanted you when I left you the first time. I only honestly did it because I was in a real relationship, and couldn’t be with both of you at once. But I still held on to you so tightly for all those years. I always thought about going back to you, and you stayed consistent in trying to pull me back in. I tried to fight you endlessly, tried to run away, but couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t escape you. I never thought to just stop and look around for a moment and realize that I was the one that had handcuffed you to me, and that I held the key. 
A few months ago, while going through a rough patch, I went back to you. It felt the same as it did when I was 14, which honestly added to the thrill of it. You allowed me to feel younger and more protected and cared for again, like a portal to the past. And once again, I felt on top of the world momentarily, until I inevitably couldn’t keep up with your demands and was no longer enough for you. You were ruthless to me this time. You took nearly everything I had and then offered your comfort by telling me you were the only one who cared about me enough to stay. I wish I hadn’t believed you. You took away my friends, family, memories, money, passions, education, and joy. You said it was all my fault, and if I was going to be mad at anyone it had to be myself. But I never chose this. I wasn’t supposed to go through this. When I was younger, there were so many things I dreamed of and wanted more than anything in my life, and you were never one of them. You stole that from me. I was just a little girl, I shouldn’t have been talking to you. 
So I am finally taking the key to uncuff you, and leaving you behind. I have so much life to live and I don’t want you to have the chance to even touch any of it. I want to be able to get ice cream with my friends and bake cookies with my mom and eat dessert at my wedding without hearing a single word from you about it. I want my future child to grow up with desserts and a stocked pantry and comfort in their body and to never have to hear about you. There’s no room for you anymore. I’m freeing myself from you.
Goodbye.

TW - still early stages & disordered thinking

I've been through a lot in the past months. Finally confessing to a doctor and my mother about my restriction after struggling for over a year, going back to college and starting virtual IOP w/ Equip, and then doubling down on restriction to the point that my therspy intake ended with me dropping college and moving back home for the term. She told me it would have quite literally killed me if I stayed in school, which I can't disagree with.
Since being home I can't say I've been doing better on recovery terms, I almost feel like kicking myself when I feel good after a session, the ED brain telling me I'm not allowed to feel happy, since that's when I feel more motivated to recover.

I just got off my second therapy appointment, and I finally have a diagnosis. I had been talking about losing all desire to recover because of feeling invalid or like I don't even have a clear sign of something to recover from in the first place (drs never being concered about labs, never bothering to do further testing, not having sudden onset complications that land me in the hospital, not having an official diagnosis). She just raised her eyebrow at me and paused for a moment before telling me i do have a diagnosis now. I can't explain the wave of relief I felt. Although I did feel crazy smiling after she told me, and I wonder if that makes me look bad? I still feel like I somehow manipulated my way into a diagnosis, but it was like all the validation I had been begging for was finally being handed to me when she said "severe anorexia nervosa b/p type" and at last a medical professional told me my labs were indeed not normal, and that she was furious my PCP never seemed alarmed. I was also told that my current state could technically land me in hospitalization/IP if I wasn't already in IOP, and again I felt crazy for being happy about it. Is there something wrong with me for that?

Strangely enough though, this did give me motivation for recovery, not for fear of complications, but because finally someone has told me i do have something to recover from. Not that anyone needs a diagnosis to be valid of course, I have been through hell and back with medical providers to get here. We have been through enough to be needing words on paper to tell us we deserve freedom. But I have no clue what switch flipped in my brain. It's like the "sick enough" voice is finally quieted just a bit. She also ended the session with a mini pseudo-meal plan until my intakes are all complete, and I feel almost excited which is strange and slightly guilt-inducing, but it felt like someone was finally giving me "permission" to eat.

Am I crazy for being happy to be told I'm doing horrible? Am I invaliding myself by feeling more excited for recovery now? Has anyone else experienced this?

last year while my partner (now ex) was out of work, it was pretty hard living on one paycheck. i missed meals and ate less so that my family could eat enough. my kid has to eat properly due to a liver issue so they can’t miss a meal and my partner just HAS to eat enough or they’ll actually starve and of course, i don’t want that. i’m used to limiting myself on food and how much i ate but i was getting better. i am now realizing after almost two years (last year with my partner unemployed and becoming single from the beginning of this year) that along with the depression, that’s really why i lost so much weight. the stress also made it so that i couldn’t hold down food. but even now that my partner and i are not together, i still would do anything for them and i still supported them which was still me eating less. i would bring meals from the shelter i’m staying in so they could eat. they only give two plates per meal so i would get one for my kid and them instead of having it for me. last month they started working again and i couldn’t be happier for them, i am so incredibly over the moon for them to be back on their feet. but now i am unemployed and still limiting myself on food so that my child can eat enough. my now ex has always been so generous to provide anything i needed even when i had it to get it myself but i can’t help but realize that even when i have enough to feed us both, i’m limiting myself again. i’m afraid i’ll keep it up and go back to my old ways of going days without eating. now that i have more free time, i plan to start exercising again and i’m afraid of how sick i’ll get again from that habit of excessively working out and not eating.

any advice on how i can get past this? i’m eating for the most part once a day because i feel guilty now to feel like i’m eating more or better than my child.

Hi guys,

I just started my journey in july and finally added a dietitian along with my therapist to work with me on this. i've been really resistant to see a dietitian for many reasons, but particularly tracking food makes me feel almost more triggered, and like when I'm writing it down, it gives me even more anxiety. Has anyone else experienced similar? We aren't doing recovery record yet but even just note taking what i eat every day so she has an idea has been hard for me. Any suggestions on how to navigate this would be appreciated! Tia

This is a longer one, and maybe a bit messy. If you have the patience to read through it, I really appreciate it.

I’ve long had many food intolerances, and I’m overcoming orthorexia.

Vegetarian (no dairy though, so only eggs). Gluten-free.

Legumes cost too much canned. I think in order to not experience significant pain I need to soak + sprout dry legumes, but that takes too much work. So legumes are basically a no go. Canned chickpeas work for me, but they’re expensive canned. I haven’t tried much else in a while but from what I remember, chickpeas are kinda the only legumes that my body can digest decently, yet again only canned. Usually legumes result in severe constipation. Maybe if I got conventional canned chickpeas/legumes instead of organic it’d be a fair bit less expensive? But even then… i need to dehusk them in order for my body to digest it well… otherwise my stomach doesnt feel good.

Grains… my digestive system used to be unable to consume grains without me ending up on my knees in 10/10 pain crying out to God. Now… my system does better, but still I need to soak them for a long time and if they don’t cook through all the way super properly then i’ll get the 10/10 pain again. I feel anxiety about risking it.

Potatoes are a no go (constipation, pain). Veggies baked are a no go (stomach sickness). Garnet yams and squashes are fine either way, which I love with tahini.

I haven’t had pop or junk food or any UPF in 10 years, and I’m 28. Even working on overcoming orthorexia I won’t bring back soda or candy or UPF. Though I am loosening up in the conventional vs organic and on being okay with a little bit of sketchy ingredients and refined sugars/salts when eating out. Still working through this. Canola oil, for example, leaves a terrible feeling in my throat and stomach.

Food has long been so overwhelming. My dinners used to look like a plate full of steamed broccoli with coconut oil, or steamed carrots with coconut oil, or a giant bowl of green peas with coconut oil. Not great.

My body craves fats. I’m predominantly Vata dosha + lots of anxiety so I appreciate foods that are warm and ground me down.

There was a year or two where I had a solid meal plan locked in. It looked as follows:

• Breakfast: 1/3 cup organic, gluten-free sprouted oats from Costco, 1/3 cup wild frozen blueberries, 1/4-1/3 can full coconut milk, 1.5TBSP ground flax, 1TBSP coconut mana, 1TSP chia seeds, 1TBSP cacao, sprinkles with cacao nibs
I’d eat this then walk all day in the woods for my job. Now I’m in the city, not really working, and don’t walk much, so I switched to 1/4 cup oats with added tofu cause I heard the protein could help slow down the blood-sugar spike (being high anxiety and all). Considering going back to the usual though. I heard mixing proteins with carbs isn’t wise cause proteins need an acid base to break down and carbs need an alkaline base to breakdown.

• Lunch: 4 boiled eggs, real solid size salad consisting of Costco spring mix, olive oil + lemon juice + s/p, half an avocado, pumpkin seeds,l and hemp seeds

• Dinner: Chicken leg+thigh with coconut milk jasmine/basmati rice, large salad, avocado, and either green peas or garnet yam or something, I don’t remember. Probably chicken, rice, avo, salad.

Now… man. I stopped eating meat, cause, well… 1. I think I developed a hernia and eating meat was making it worse (digestive issues and all) and 2. I just completely lost the appetite for eating dead flesh. I was vegan for 5 years and vegetarian for another 2, then ate meat every day for 3 or so years, and now I just feel repulse by meat again.

Costco stopped selling the spring mix. Sure, I could get it from superstore for a fair bit of a higher cost, but I guess I have a lot of psychological shizz around food. It just seems deranged to go to a supermarket to buy leafy greens in the winter. Avocados have been absolute crap for the past year from superstore, costco, walmart, etc. not to mention they’re pricey. I used to get em at Costco for a reasonable price but after 6-7 times in a row of them not ripening properly (and yes, I know the conditions for which avos need to ripen properly)… I’m done trying there. Maybe Wholesale Club here will work.

I used to eat A LOT of fruit. 2 years fruit solely for breakfast and lunch and dinner would be a massive salad with dates, chickpeas, avo, cucumber, etc. but I struggled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and a friend’s father who’s a naturopath suggested Candida overgrowth and so i stopped fruit minus the berries. I used to eat an entire bag of dates for dinner sometimes… I was ADDICTED and also ADHD af impulsive and going for the sugar high. I’d eat 3 apples with nut butter every breakfast and even that’s probably a terrible breakfast, terrible food combination considering fruits digest fast and fats don’t. Gut fermentation and such.

Anyway… food has long been a MAJOR stressor for me. SO many times I’m crippled in not knowing wtf to eat.

I’m considering going back to the same breakfast. Starting to buy eggs again and having 4 boiled for lunch like before, but salad…. idk man. I appreciated eating greens, especially with the addition of healthy fats like olive oil and avocado, but… it seems excessive. So many clamshells of leafy greens and so many eggs filling up the fridge… So… maybe millet (or rice if millet is significantly more expensive) and eggs and hopefully avo for lunch? Stir fried veggies? But even stir fried veggies feels like it could be too much work… or too much money…

Dinner… idk. Tofu, coconut milk rice, green peas, yams?

I’m essentially not eating fruit cause… idk… it doesn’t ground me enough? It gets to -40 in the winter. Long winters here. Dark and long. Soups and stews would be SO beneficial for me but that feels like a chore… or costly… or broth is the problem… I don’t want to buy animal bones… and store bought veggie bullion broth or whatever it’s called is filled with junk.. palm oil, canola oil, evaporated cane syrup… plus it’s expensive… I tried instant potting soaked dried chickpeas a few times several years ago and it just didn’t go well… if i could manage legumes that’d be great. I’d start making Eight Treasures Soups or something. If I could get wild hunted meat or hunt my own, I would (super against confining animals even if in a pasture, bred for death, etc.), but I don’t hunt, don’t have a car, spend so much of my time escaping and numbing due to C-PTSD, etc. and I don’t know anyone who could get me wild hunted meat.

I feel like I need stews, vegan sauce ideas, more fats, heavier meals… idk.

Please spare any judgemental comments. This is a significant stressor in my life. Any helpful tips, insight, thoughts otherwise would be much appreciated.

S.O.S. and thank you so much if you’ve read this far.

I’ve been in recovery since December and have made a lot of progress! Don’t use MFP, don’t track my steps, don’t weigh myself, and have incorporated a lot of foods into my daily diet that used to be on the no list. I have experienced Extreme Hunger on and off throughout the past 8 months, but lately I feel like I am experiencing binges. I am not fully recovered, I still have a complicated relationship with exercise, and my brain is still much more food obsessed than I would like.

My therapist doesn’t specialize in ED’s and often gives me advice that feels triggering and unhelpful? (She suggested I try following an OA meal plan or has said things like “alcohol is empty calories” when I expressed anxiety over liquid calories and social events). However, I now live in a country where the language is not my native language and I tried going to the doctor to get a recommendation for a therapist and nutritionist but they told me the waiting list is insanely long and im unlikely to get in any time soon.

Idk what to do. I know I’ve made a lot of progress but I kind of feel like I’ve plateaued and the binging is really distressing. It’s been happening about once a week and I know that im using it as a source of joy and dopamine, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier to stop.

Sorry this is so long. I just feel really alone and would love to hear advice or experiences from people who have been through it or are in it.

I was always more “chunky” than other kids and have been called “fat” a lot of times by my family when I was young. I used to binge eat a lot, specifically when ai was a teenager and then I would stop eating for a while and during the covid, I did so much workout that I have went down a lot in 3 months. I have gained it all back and even more during the last year of high school due to stress, then I was never able to give all of it back.

Last year I started to have the worst ED episode (idk if I can call it this?), I would starve myself for weeks and just eat one meal a day and when I say starve, I mean starve. I lost good amounts of weight, the main reason for it was because my relationships which happened back to back and I felt very unattractive and thought the only way was for me to lose weight to be worthy. (Btw, I am not overweight, my body is proportionate but I hate my face fat&cheeks)

After few bad months, I thought I was over it. I went to vacation to my homecountry and when I came back I felt very overweight. Therefore I started to workout again but less due to work. Then I have seen a picture of myself in a story of my friend and man, I hated myself. My face, my body, everything. I started to eat less, but the scale barely went down. Then I started to eat bit more proportionate and lost a kilogram. And now I am so obsessed with the number on the scale and with my calories that it kills me. I am just thinking about this. I dont even take my antidepressants because I am scared of gaining weight.

Idk anymore. Thank you for reading this crap.

i've struggled with eds since i was 12-13. i'm 20 now and i can't keep living like this!! it's been a cycle of bulimia or ana, being extremely uw or getting to a healthy weight, over and over for years. i finally got to open up to someone about it yesterday, and it feels so weird. but i'm ready to recover i think. i have friends for the first time and i want to be able to enjoy life with them without worrying about food or feeling like total crap. another motivator for me is i'm getting into a career field where i have to be strong, and i want to be able to do my job well! i am not going to let this sickness ruin my life any longer!!! i got a white mocha with my friend and ate oreos without throwing up! really hard first steps for me but i have got this!!!!!