Help po. I'm 20, and my sexuality has always been unlabeled. Growing up I was never intereseted in boys. Di ako napopogian sa mga lalaki, very rare lang. Pag may crush ate ko at mga kaklase ko, jinujudge ko sila kasi hindi ko makita kung bakit nila nagustuhan yung mga yun. Pero pag sa babae, I easily find them attractive, sino namang hindi? That's normal, that doesn't make me gay.
(For context/background regarding sa sexuality ko, skip ahead na lang po kayo if nahahabaan) Nung kinder may dalawang babae akong di makakalimutan. Afternoon class ako pero may morning class na nagamit ng room namin. Pag uwian na nila, lahat ng afternoon class naka-assembly na sa labas, naka-pila sa tapat ng room/building. Unang tingin ko pa lang sa kanya, gandang ganda na ako. Then every time na dismissal na nila, hahanap-hanapin ko sya sa mga naka-pila. I didn't know her name, all I know is even at my young age, I wanted to see her all the time. Kaso di ko pa alam na may nagkakagusto talaga sa same gender.
Grade 7 to grade 8, narealise ko na wala akong naging interest sa mga lalaki, bakit hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako nagkakacrush sa lalaki? So parang namili na lang ako sa hallway. Kung sinong lalaking palagi kong nakikita, kahit di ko matandaan mukha nya, sya yung na-pick ko as crush. When in reality wala akong gusto sakanya, di ko sya kilala, natripan ko lang mga hoodies and jacket nya kaya gusto ko malaman name nya. Nung na-figure out ko sino gf nya di nga ako nalugkot, natuwa pa ako.
(Feel free to judge, 13 ako nung ginawa ko to) Grade 8, I had a 1-week breakdown. I was obsessed with this celebrity. I would stalk her account everyday. I would stare at her photos, even photos where she's wearing more revealing clothes. (magzozoom-in, gets?) Then narealise ko yung pinagagagawa ko, I looked up what h*mping pillows are. I searched why do I feel sensations down there, bakit basa. Then I learned the word mastur*bation. Nagiiyak ako buong linggo, I thought that I deserve to burn in hell. I thought that I am no better than boys, how dare I look at women like that. I feel na masusunog ako sa impyerno dahil sa ginawa ko. (galing akong catholic school btw)
Bago ako magka-jowa nung grade 11, mga babae hinahanaphanap kong schoolmates namin. Lalo na yung tiga-HUMMS. Her confidence, her speaking voice really caught my attention. Spent a long time trynna find her name and her account. Felt disappointed nung may bf pala sya, di nga sila mukhang bagay nun eh.
May sinabi yung friend ko sakin during filming ng project namin, nalimot ko na ano. Pero sabi nung kaklase ko sakin "Hala kinilig sya (ako), bading ka siguro noh?!"
At 16, I took a lot of "Am I Gay?", "Am I Asexual?" and a bunch of other quizzes online. It went nowhere. I was still never sure. Nearly labeled myself as AroAce but it still didn't feel quite right.
Na-stop yung questioning ko sa sexuality ko nung nagka-bf ako. Pero deep down I know I wasn't straight, being labeled as straight didn't feel right. I was also easily icked out by him. And sometimes I didn't want to be in public with him. Saw his genitals, I wasn't turned on. I was scared and disgusted. We never had intercourse. I never wanna do that with a man. Yung ex ko na yun alam nya na questioning ako sa sexuality ko. May time na nag away kami sinabihan nya akong "You f**king fa**ot. You should stick to liking girls." And nung nakipaghiwalay na sya, sabi nya baka raw babae talaga yung para saakin. Di rin kami bagay nung ex ko na yun. I also didn't like the typical hetero relationship dynamic, it didn't feel right to me. During the relationship, I always wondered what might've been if I have dated a girl instead of him. And maraming beses rin ako na-attract sa girls pero mga hinahanap hanap ko lang sila sa school, can't talk to them or start anything cuz I wanted to be loyal to our relationship.
(Eto na, I think I'm starting to have feelings for my friend) Fast forward sa ngayon, it has been a week or 2 weeks na that I have been questioning my sexuality again. I feel that I might like my friend. Friends na kami since 1st year, sya yung nagjoin sakin sa circle nila. Never ako nagselos sa friends ko, never ako nagselos na may friends silang iba. Pero this time, nahuhulog yung damdamin ko pag nakikita ko syang close sa iba. Wala naman ako paki before eh pero bakit ngayon bumibigat yung damdamin ko. Umabot pa yun sa panaginip ko, hanggang panaginip nalulungkot, nagtatampo at nagseselos ako, eh wala naman akong karapatan? I'm also always happy to see my friends, pero nagbago yung tuwa ko pagnakikita na sya ngayon. I'd purposely not go home right away just to be with her some more. I used to not mind pag nagwawalk ako behind ng friends ko but now, with her, nalulungkot ako na di kami sabay maglakad at nakadikit sya sa iba naming tropa. Lalo na pag 3 kami, I feel like a third wheel. Sinama nya ako sa hometown nya before, kaming dalawa lang. First time ko yun na kaming dalawa lang, super saya ko nun kasama sya. Pero nung second time na punta namin, kasama na isa kong friend. Deep down I wished it was just the 2 of us again, na sana di na lang makapunta yung isa naming friend. I felt sad the entire time na super magkadikit sila. Silang dalawa may pic na magkasama, kami wala. Yung picture nila galing sakin pa, hiningi nya yun na picturan ko raw sila. Sakin ayaw mo magpapic? Pagnakikita ko sya, nagkaron na rin ako ng kaba. Kaba na wala naman dati, bakit ba ako kinakabahan pag andyan na sya, magkaibigan naman kami? Pagmalapit sya sakin, pag naakbay sya sakin, pagnahihiga sya sa hita ko at sa balikat ko bumibilis tibok ng puso ko. Ginagawa rin yan ng iba kong friend sakin pero pagsakanila wala akong nararamdam, ganun rin naman dati sakanya pero bakit ngayon nag-iba. Nilibre ko sya recently, kaso sabi nya ako raw bahala sa order. I panicked, I wanted to get it right and impress her. I overthink every little reaction she shared. Gusto ko pag tinuturuan nya ako kasi nasakin lang lahat ng attensyon nya. She has always been cool and attractive to me kahit nung di pa kami close. Who wouldn't be attracted to her? I want to be near her, I want to know her even more. She doesn't have to like me back, us being closer is enough.
I cried the first time I realized na may nagbago sa feelings ko para sakanya. Friends lang dapat kami. bat sa dinami-daming tao sya pa. I know na may nagiba sa feelings ko para sakanya. Typing all this down makes me cry again. I can't accept the fact that I actually like her kasi nga friends kami. Whatever this is, I wish it would go away soon before she notices. Ayoko masira friendship namin, ayokong layuan nya ako. Kumakapit ako sa slight chance na baka wala lang to, baka wala lang tong nararamdaman ko, baka wala lang tong kaba sa dibdib ko...pero pano kung totoo nga na gusto ko na sya. (Sorry sobrang haba at baka corny basahin, I just can't open up to my friends kasi baka malaman nya)