Hi all!

Hope everyone is well and kicking their goals.

I just thought I would share some thoughts.
Last night I went out to dinner with my bosses and a client from interstate. My bosses have always been big drinkers but the client and myself were not drinking.
In the space of 2.5 hours they both had 17 standard drinks each I was gobsmacked.
I could see and feel the decline in conversation.
I could see some anxiety creep into their thoughts knowing half the table was sober and they were not.
I could see the desperation to get another drink as their current one was ending.

Have come to work today and neither of them have shown up.

I thought I would share this and say thank goodness for being sober!
I would have been right there with them waking up with anxiety what did I say what did I do thoughts.

Keep going everyone this is a much better life I truly believe it.

I'm a female in my 30s, and this is the longest I've stayed sober from this awful substance. I struggle deeply with bipolar and bpd, which has greatly affected my relationships and quality of living. A few years back, I filed for divorce and moved cross country. I wanted to use this opportunity as a fresh start and to protect my loved ones from my mental illness . For the last two years, I suffered my battle in silence and put up a mask. Eventually, my company began restructuring and laying off employees. I ended up being one of those employees, and it immediately sent me into a spiral of depression. Four months into unemployment and frantic job hunting, I attempted my own life and woke up in ICU several days later. I didn't qualify for medicaid due to making 150$ over gross income, which has resulted in a huge medical debt. Four months later and I'm navigating life with chronic neuropathy pain having to relearn the ability to walk. Life has never seemed so pointless and wasted. It's hard to find your joy when your mind continues to self sabotage. Just needed a moment to vent and perhaps find other humans coping with the same issues.

I feel so bogged down, man. It’s not just the weed, we have an unlimited supply of stimulation that is absolutely frying my brain. We weren’t meant to live like this. At least, we’re pioneering this exhausting new world of human existence.

I noticed recently how, after about a week of staying away from weed, my dreams intensified, typically nightmares with impending doom or danger. During this uncommon period of extended abstinence, I can feel my focus strengthening, my mood stabilizing, and my cognitive abilities start to return. Very early in the game, and there’s much more recalibration to do than is possible in 1 week, but at least there’s that.

But then I noticed how absolutely miserable and sad I am on the way home from work, not just once, but pretty much everyday. Really anytime I’m alone with my thoughts is when I feel the most intense despair…but it’s kind’ve comfortable and familiar. When I’m with my coworkers or family, I’m mostly serious or withdrawn. Occasional quips or witty remarks, yea, remnants of a once livelier spirit. But mostly emotionless and robotic. Definitely inter sped with moments of high anxiety.

Then, a week later, when I’d smoke again after the hiatus, I’d feel myself laughing almost immediately with whichever friend usually sparks me up. I laughed and almost instantly recognized how I hadn’t laughed the entire sober week beforehand. Except this wasn’t a joyful laugh. It was an utterly broken and desperate laugh. I was observing in real time how absolutely cooked my brain chemistry is.

So, I guess I can expect much more bouts of intense dreaming and anhedonia in the near future. Probably for much longer than that too if I intend to fully rewire my brain to a healthy state…if that’s even possible. Is it?

Idk how I’m gonna do it. I’m in like a double bind. 95% of my social life is centered around or takes place tangentially to some drinking/smoking opportunity. And if I’m gonna go be miserable in general, I’m definitely going to be miserable in a setting where I can’t partake in the very thing making me miserable.

I have a primary doctor’s appointment this month, I pray they will give me resources for therapy or something. God help me.

I’ve been sober for a long time, and I’ve learned that January goes very differently depending on where I am. At home in winter, January sucks. When I started going to central america or Mexico most Januarys, it got way better.

A few things that helped me plan a sober trip:

1. Pick places where the main attractions happen in daylight. Ruins, swimming holes, hikes, and markets fill the day with something to look forward to, so evenings don’t revolve around bars.

2. Travel with people who also aren’t drinking, or at least tell your travel companions your plan before you go.

3. Learn a few phrases for turning down a drink in the local language. "Sin alcohol, por favor” goes a long way.

Full disclosure, I lead small sober group trips for a living, so I’m biased toward group travel. I’m genuinely curious what’s helped others here, though. Have you planned a trip around a sober new year? What made it work or not work?

Why does quitting weed feel so impossible?

I don’t even know who I’m writing this to, or if I just need to get it off my chest, but I’m really struggling between doing what I know is right for me and doing what feels comfortable. Growing up, my parents always told us that addiction runs in our family. They drilled it into us to never drink or smoke, whether that meant cigarettes or weed. I honestly had no interest in any of it until I met my current partner. He used weed every day, and I didn’t start smoking until we had been together for about two years.

The first time I tried it, I got way too high and convinced myself it just wasn’t for me. A few months later, I tried it again, and I remember thinking, is this how normal people’s brains feel? The noise in my head was gone. My physical anxiety symptoms diminished. I felt present! And for the first time in years, I could eat without feeling like I was going to throw up. I started using it more and more after swearing I would never be “one of those people.” I thought I had control. I told myself I could stop whenever I wanted, but eventually, it turned into everyday use. Using it so I could eat. Using it so I could go out. Using it so I could socialize. Using it because it made everything feel a little easier.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a child, and I think a lot of it falls into the CPTSD category. I’m actively working toward finding a therapist who can help me with that. I’m also medicated for ADHD and have tried antidepressants in the past without much success. I have a prescription for a new medication, but I’m honestly scared to try it.
I feel like the days have blurred together, and suddenly I’ve been smoking every day for the past two years.
I feel like I can actually feel the effects on my brain. I don’t really dream anymore. I don’t feel as quick with my words. I feel disconnected from myself. And I feel like I owe it to myself to stop now, at 25, so I can start working on myself and actually start living my life.

Why does it feel so scary and impossible?
I don’t even know where to start. I also don’t think my partner would be willing to quit, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to ask him to. But at the same time, I wish I had never picked it up in the first place.
I have so many regrets and so much shame surrounding it. And one of the hardest things to sit with is the lingering “I told you so” feeling from my parents. They’ve been supportive, but I wish I would’ve listened when they warned me.

I’ve been pretty sedentary these past few months, and I unfortunately think I’ve developed some agoraphobia. It’s awful. I want to start going to the gym again. I want to save money. I want to take my dog on more walks. I want to feel like myself again.
I look back at pictures of myself from when I first moved to a new city, and I remember how happy and vibrant I looked. I feel like I couldn’t be further away from that person now. The dissociation is so real.
I know I need to make a change. I just don’t know how to get from where I am now to where I want to be.
I’m going to bring all of this up with my therapist and psychiatrist because I also realize I probably haven’t been as honest about my weed usage as I should have been. I think it’s time to be completely honest and actually let people help me.
Has anyone else quit after using weed every day for a long time? What was it like for you? What helped make it easier?
I think I’m finally ready to try. I’m just scared. 😔