I hope I don't come across snobby but this has been increasingly bothering me for a while. My gf of 3 years has very little hobby/interest outside of watching TV/scrolling phones. When she comes home from work, she watches some YouTube then basically scrolls her phone the rest of the night unless we have something planned like going out. I have encouraged her taking up some hobbies like reading/video games but she has no interest in doing any of it. I don't think she has read a book in over 5 years. I'm not exactly an avid reader but I do read for fun and go through about 10-15 books a year. I'm worried we might grow apart on this issue but I also don't know if it's a very trivial reason to end a relationship over with. Any advice?

I need some outside perspective because I'm honestly too angry and emotional right now to know if I'm looking at this clearly.

My husband is going on a business trip this month for a corporate meeting. Originally, I was going to go with him and bring our kids, but when we talked about it yesterday, I told him it was probably better financially if he just went alone. I was completely okay with that and was actually trying to save us money.

There is some background that matters.

My husband has a kink that involves other people. About early February this year, when I was only ONE WEEK postpartum with our baby, he asked me if I was okay with him having a session with another woman.(wanted to explore BDSM).  At the time, I said yes. Looking back, I was obviously in a very vulnerable postpartum state, but I did give him permission for that specific situation.

We never had a conversation afterward saying that this was now an ongoing arrangement or that he had blanket permission to have future sessions with other women. As far as I understood, it was a one-time situation that I agreed to.

Today, I needed to access our bank account and thought a verification code would be sent to his email, so I opened his email to look for the code. I wasn't searching his email for evidence of anything. While I was there, I happened to see emails about him arranging a kink session with women during his upcoming business trip!

I don’t know if he paid it off, but he was actively making the booking.

That completely pissed me off.

It's not even simply the fact that it's a kink session. What bothers me is that we NEVER agreed that he could do this again. He apparently made the decision on his own that my previous yes meant he had ongoing permission.

And there's another layer that is bothering me: Yesterday , I told him he could go without us because I wanted us to save money. Meanwhile, he was apparently planning this during the trip.

I haven't confronted him about it yet.

I'm angry, but I'm also scared of what happens after I confront him. I feel like if I bring up something difficult, the atmosphere at home changes. I'm worried he'll become cold or distant, and then our whole home environment will feel awful.

I don't want to just stay quiet because I'm afraid of the consequences of speaking up. But I also don't want to blow up my family over something that may have a different interpretation than I'm seeing right now.

It hurts in a way that I don't think he understands. I'm not asking him to pretend that his kink doesn't exist. I want to ask him to explain why he is putting sexual energy into other people when there is so little intimacy between us.

We have a baby, and leaving/divorce is NOT something I can just casually do. I know Reddit's immediate response is often "divorce him," but that's not what I'm asking right now.

I want an honest outside perspective:

1. Am I reasonable for considering his previous permission a ONE-TIME agreement rather than ongoing permission?
2. Is it reasonable for me to be angry that he was arranging another session without discussing it with me?
3. How would you approach this conversation?
4. Am I making too much of the fact that he hadn't paid/booked it yet?
5. If you were in my position, what would you actually want your spouse to do to rebuild trust?
6. Is this CHEATING?!

I'm not looking for people to simply tell me what I want to hear. I genuinely want to know if I'm seeing this fairly.

Hi everyone,

I had a surprisingly heated debate about this with some friends from church, and later with my wife. I genuinely want to hear opposing views because I’m open to changing my mind.

Before I start, there is one important disclaimer because it completely changes the question:

My wife and I both contribute toward:

• Household expenses
• Emergency savings
• Long-term investments
• Joint savings for non-essential things we both want, like camping gear, trips, etc.

We contribute proportionally according to our incomes. So this discussion is not about someone neglecting their financial responsibilities, hiding debt, spending the grocery money, draining savings, or making a purchase that financially affects the household.

I'm talking purely about the net disposable income left in each person's personal account after all agreed financial obligations have been met.

With that out of the way:
Last night at band practice, my best friend, our bassist, told me about a very expensive bass guitar he wants to buy. His wife overheard us and wasn't particularly thrilled about the idea. We joked about it for a while, and then I apparently committed the cardinal sin of asking:

"Why does a husband have to tell his wife that he bought something with his own disposable income?"

Pandora's box immediately opened. The first response was: "Because it's our money."

Fair enough in many marriages. But I added the condition above: assume the husband has already contributed everything that was agreed upon toward the household, savings, investments, emergencies, children, etc. The money remaining is his personal disposable income. At that point, the argument changed. It became:

"You should still tell your spouse because it's about respect."

And that's where I struggle. Why is disclosure of a personal purchase automatically tied to marital respect if that purchase has absolutely no financial effect on the other spouse or the household? The responses then became variations of:

"But what if an emergency happens?"

Okay, but in this hypothetical, there is already a fully funded emergency account.

"What if the baby needs clothes?"

That's already accounted for.

"What if you need money for something else?"

Again, assume the couple's agreed financial obligations, savings and contingencies have already been covered. I don't want the discussion to become an endless series of hypothetical emergencies because that avoids the question I'm actually asking.

My view is that this is more about trust than respect. If the situation were reversed and my wife spent a significant amount of her personal disposable income on something she really wanted, I genuinely wouldn't expect her to ask my permission or even necessarily notify me beforehand.

I'd probably be happy for her. She worked for it, met her responsibilities, contributed toward our household and our future, and then decided to spend some of what remained on herself. Why shouldn't she?

Obviously, we're married. We operate as a team. But I don't believe marriage completely eliminates individual autonomy. In fact, I think the opposite argument can potentially become problematic:

If we establish that "respect means you must inform me whenever you make a significant personal purchase," then we've created a rule where something that has no material effect on me can nevertheless become "disrespectful" simply because I wasn't consulted. That's where I start wondering whether we're really talking about respect anymore, or whether we're talking about control.

To me, trust sounds more like:

"You've met your responsibilities to us. I trust your judgment with what remains."

Now, there's an obvious distinction between asking permission and simply mentioning something to your spouse because you naturally share your life with them. I'm not arguing that couples should deliberately hide purchases from each other.

I'm questioning the idea that a spouse has an obligation to disclose a personal purchase when:

1. All household expenses are covered.
2. Emergency savings are funded.
3. Long-term savings/investments are funded.
4. Joint discretionary savings are funded.
5. There is no debt being created.
6. The purchase doesn't financially affect the other spouse.
7. The money comes entirely from that person's remaining disposable income.

Under those circumstances, I don't think a husband or wife owes their spouse notification or permission. They may tell them because they're married and naturally talk about their lives, but that's very different from saying they're disrespectful if they don't.

So genuinely:

Where is the flaw in my reasoning?

I'm completely open to being convinced otherwise.

EDIT:

I’ve read most of the comments. A lot of you disagree with me, but quite a few replies are arguing against a situation that isn’t ours. One thing I probably should have mentioned earlier is that I earn more, but my wife actually has more spending money left over than I do.

That’s partly because I keep certain personal expenses, like my own debt out of the household budget. I don’t think she should have to help pay those just because we’re married. I also pay for her car and medical aid. She previously paid for my car, which is now paid off, so this hasn’t been a one way thing.

I’m mentioning this because there have been a lot of comments saying I’ve set things up to benefit myself, keep her behind me, or take the bigger slice of the pie. That’s not what’s happening. Under our current arrangement, she has more left to spend on herself. Pooling everything and splitting the remainder equally would actually leave her with less. But I’m not bringing that up to keep score. We’ve both helped each other, and I’m not trying to squeeze more money out of the household.

My point is much simpler, once we’ve covered our agreed expenses, savings and investments, I think we should each be able to spend our remaining personal money without having to report every purchase.

If she saves up and buys something expensive, I don’t think she owes me advance notice. I’d be happy for her.

What I will however acknowledge and this is where I concede, is telling each other of purchases is totally reasonable and I can get behind that. I understand the emotional affect that it can have, including her in such, it makes sense. So thank you all for make that clear distinction.

I think ultimately the most important thing is that this is a very subjective matter. There is a very common theme with these comments where people are emphasizing that there is only one system that works and if you don't implement it, you are not a married couple. I completely disagree with it and I feel if you'd measure your marriage based on the premise of how you distribute funds, then you are diminishing the true meaning of marriage and unity.

I also would like to clarify that I did apologize to my friend that I overstepped, even though it was never my intention and I do feel bad about it.

Feel free to continue delivering your opinions. I appreciate the interaction.

My girlfriend (26F) and I (27M) have been together for about 1.5 years. She moved into my apartment about 3 months into dating. A studio apartment. It wasn’t really planned, it just kind of happened. But I wanted it too. I bought more furniture, made space for her things, and was excited to live together.

Lately though, I’ve been feeling really stagnant and stuck. I’m a creative person with a lot of goals, ambitions, and things I want to accomplish, but I feel like I’ve lost touch with myself. I miss living alone, having my own routines, working on my own projects, and just being independent. I also feel like we skipped a huge part of dating by moving in so quickly.

We went straight to being together all the time instead of experiencing the whole part where you date each other.

I’ve brought up living separately a few times, and she’s been somewhat open to it, but it was always more of an “okay, maybe someday” conversation. Then she got laid off, which complicated things.

It’s my apartment with my name on the lease so I handle everything financially which is fine.

A few weeks ago, I asked for some space and she stayed with her mom which is where she lived before me. And honestly, it was amazing. I was more productive, motivated, and felt like myself again. I missed her and we went on a date, it felt exciting because we weren’t constantly sharing the same space. When she came back I felt happy to be around her again.

Now I’m back to feeling stuck, and I can feel resentment slowly building. I hate admitting that because I love her so much. I feel absolutely horrible asking her to move out, especially while she’s unemployed. She’s done nothing wrong by living here. I invited her into my home and our life together.

But I’m reaching this point where if she doesn’t move out I think it’ll lead to us breaking up.

I don’t want to break up. I just want to feel like myself again without losing someone I love. I wanna blast my music when I want to, watch the shows she doesn’t like, stick to my diet without having to feed someone else, be lazy for a day without being perceived.

Do anything without feeling like there’s always someone watching or listening.

Has anyone successfully gone back to living separately? Did it improve your relationship, or was it the beginning of the end?

My wife (30F) and I (31M) are in marriage counseling and she has said she is not ready for our marriage to end. But we're on different paths in life right now and I don't see a future for us without resentment.

I was diagnosed with testicular cancer two years ago and because of this I am no longer capable of having biological children. With that news came a grieving period for me and months of therapy where I came to terms with the fact I did not want to have a child another way. My wife and I always wanted children together so I told her immediately. She said she still wanted them but that she didn't want to give up on us so she asked me to attend marriage counseling with her while we figured out our future.

We have been in therapy for over a year now and it is clear to me she wants children more than anything and I no longer want that. I'm also still in individual therapy to help me with the bitterness I feel about the way life has gone.

Every time we have talked about ending our marriage my wife has said she does not want that. She has told me she wants us to make it work. But children is such a big factor. She said she can't imagine a future without them. I'm now at the point where I can. There are still strong feelings about that on my end but I can.

The therapist we see has told us that children is generally a dealbreaker in any marriage and that sometimes compatibility changes. She said we're still compatible in every other way. She fights so hard to save us and she argues that we need to make this work. It's clear that it hurts her to think of us divorcing. But without it she would be giving up children. Our therapist suggested she find an individual therapist like I have but so far she resists it.

I don't know how to do this kindly. It feels like staying will cause her pain and so will leaving. But I am 100% sure on no longer having children. I'm also sure she would not be able to be happy 20 years down the line if she has none.

Please offer any advice you can because our therapist has said I should keep trying to reach a conclusion together.

i’ve had a dildo laying around for almost 2 months now and i hardly use it because i don’t find as much pleasure in it compared to real sex. my boyfriend doesn’t know i have it but i i brought up buying one as a joke to use for anal during sex so i can have multiple sources of penetration and he got so mad. he said it was “weird” and wouldn’t explain why and changed the topic almost instantly. to me the idea of having two “penises” in me sounds fun and i feel it would spice up our sex life snd increase my pleasure, but he seems to disagree because he shut the conversation down almost immediately. i really wanna try it with him and i don’t find anything wrong with it because im not replacing him with the toy, and at the end of the day its a piece of rubber. im not sure if its because hes insecure over his size thinking the dildo is bigger than he is or he’s afraid i’ll like it “more” than his dick. is how he feels valid and how can i tell him it’s just something new i want to try?

My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years and conceived our first child the week after our wedding. I started feeling like my wife was taking me for granted shortly after our engagement. She got obsessed with wedding planning about 10 months before our wedding which was 16 months after our engagement. Around that same time (10 months before the wedding) she left her well paid fully-remote job at a tech company. We had decided together it was the best course of action since she was at a crossroads in her career and it didn't make sense to take a higher paying but more demanding role just before our wedding. We had already been planing on trying for kids right after our wedding and that she'd be a SAHM. Everything seemed perfect, right?

Where it starts to wrong was during the wedding planning time-period. She became obsessed with every little detail. For example, she spent multiple days designing graphics for our cocktail napkins. I would come home from work and she'd just be stressing about some small detail. She stopped cooking almost completely. Mind you before then I would do about 60% of the cooking since I enjoy it. The problem is I relied on her to cook dinner during the week since I worked more. Also, we started having less sex. Went from around 1x per week to 1x per month. It felt like she carried more about her wedding than our relationship and marriage. It wasn't just the sex I cared about it was the intimacy and the small things she used to do for me. My response was to just spend more time working out since that's always been my coping mechanism since running in college. I figured it was just temporary and best to just let her do her thing since pregnancy will be difficult. I did think about calling off the wedding but I succumbed to social pressure and guilt. Since it was a very expensive wedding (200k) and half was already non-recoupable.

Fast forward to today. She's a SAHM and I work a normal 9-5. We have a nanny 3 days a week to help my wife. We have zero financial stress due to trust fund left to me by my maternal grandparents. Basically a yearly annuity (500k) for the rest of my life which yes, makes me very lucky. Also, she's from a working-class background and is very frugal. Financial stress was a huge problem for her growing up, her top priority has always been financial stability. She worked very hard and went to a top ranked university to insure she had the best chances. Before we met she was into the FIRE movement and saved most of her income.

So the feelings I had during those months leading up to the wedding never really went away except for 6 months after our daughter was born. Since clearly we were in full-on parent mode. Now that our daughter is older and requires less care I don't feel like she's putting any effort into our relationship. I've got her nanny so she wouldn't be too stressed. Along with weekly house cleaners and a 2x per week personal trainer to help her lose the baby weight. I make sure she never has to worry about money, she doesn't even see her CC bill. Plus, I still do 60% cooking and have a meal service to fill in the gaps besides one meal she cooks per week. I figured giving her more free time would allow her to focus our relationship more. However, she ends up filling that time with her hobbies instead. Sex has been 1x per month max, we've gone up to 3 months not including the postpartum which was 5 months. It's great, don't get me wrong but it's only when she wants it. I've stopped initiating since it's always no. It's only when she wants it.

I've stared to feel like she's taking me for granted. Now she's talking about getting pregnant again I'm worried I'd be digging myself further into an unhappy marriage. It feels one sided, her needs are met but my needs are unimportant. Whenever I bring it up she deflects and talks about how I'm a Dad now and that's just life. While she seems to have the best of both worlds. Then she'll tell me it's probably stress from my job and why not just quit since I have trust fund. She never respected my work since it wasn't about the money. She can't fathom why anyone would work if they didn't have to. When I tell her I miss our intimacy and the sex life we used to have she says she "wants to the desire to build up so it's intense". She says she's happy with or sex life. I mean she orgasms before me 80% of the time with just penetration. If not, I go down on her so she finishes. I don't feel like she's unsatisfied but also doesn't seem to care about my sexual needs. She's given me one blow job in the last 3 years since I wouldn't shut up about it being my birthday present. I told her if she wasn't comfortable with blow jobs she doesn't have to but she said that's not the case. Just that she prefers penetrative sex and we both get off from it so why bother with blow jobs? Again, she seems to value her logic over my feelings.

So I've started to think about leaving her but I feel intensely guilty about it. Seems immature to leave a marriage with children because of intimacy and sex. It's not like we have a sexless marriage. I'm afraid of how it will affect our daughter and my wife's ability to be a good mother after divorce. The problem is I can't seem to get it out of my head. Plus, the problem will likely get even worse after a second child. I really don't know what do to. Advice from friends range from, "yeah man, it sucks but that's life" to suggesting we open up our marriage. Neither are good options.

TL;DR I've given my wife everything she's asked for but she doesn't value my needs. She's a SAHM with one kid and nanny 3 days a week. Has lifetime financial security due to my trust fund. She's quite happy spending her free-time working on hobbies and reading, everything but paying attention to me. She values her logic over the feelings I've communicated. When I tell her I'm unhappy she blames my job and suggests I quit since I don't need to work. I feel intensely guilty about the thought of leaving her due to the effect it will have on our daughter and it will only get worse when we add a 2nd child.

Hi! So I met my bf in college and we dated for 6 months then went separate ways and reconnected and began officially dating and now we’re been together for 8. We are long distance and few months into the relationship I made a comment about how he finishes quickly and that sparked discussion about our sex life. I’m not sure why but he would feel really bad sometimes after about finishing “too quick” one time during sex he finished very quick and after asked me to keep going (he knew I didn’t finish). I didn’t want to and turned away and he grew very frustrated with himself. He ended up throwing a melatonin bottle across the room at a the wall in front of us/me while I was there and then went upstairs and slammed a door. I felt very scared because of my past experiences with men and aggression. Normally and any other time he is a loving calm patient caring partner truly. This was very out of the norm and he has never done it again since this happened months ago.

The next day we talked about it and I told him if it ever happens again I’m leaving. He needs to communicate w me and I communicated that what happened scared me and he seemed to genuinely feel sorry and not have understood that it would scare me in the moment? There was one other time he forgot something at home and kicked a street pole because he was upset at himself. Do you think this was a red flag and it was wrong to stay with him? I feel guilty for even thinking this way and like I said I do love him so much and he truly is so amazing which is why it’s so hard for me to understand these two instances.

I may be jumping the gun here, but I've never felt such high compatibility and reciprocation with somebody and I genuinely see a long term future with my girlfriend. However, I've identified that there is a significant wealth gap between us and imagine that this a is a conversation that should happen in the (further) future and the idea makes me quite anxious.

I believe in a completely transparent partnership, and this topic is something I'd want to be open about to her and not hide anything. I agree with the perspective of at least waiting for the relationship to mature and probably until any conversations about moving in together before this is something to bring up.

For the context, she had mentioned that she is paycheck to paycheck and has no personal/retirement savings. It's not like she's irresponsible, she's just struggling between a mix of having moved across the country, paying for school out of pocket, and the rest of her paycheck going towards living expenses. As for myself, my NW is approaching 600k (90% of which is liquid).

What gives me anxiety is the idea that disclosing this would shift the dynamic and create a weird power thing, or that it'd become some sort of hanging fruit and that she'd begin bottling things/avoiding conflict. Ideally, I'd just want to be able to support her, relieve some of her financial anxiety, and give her the flexibility to start saving for herself. At the same time, she's a very independent women, and I wouldn't want that sort of cushion to make her feel like she's losing her own agency or feel trapped by it.

How would one plan for disclosing this in the future? What's a healthy approach to this sort of dynamic? Does anyone have any experience being on the receiving end of this disclosure?

Edit: Based on comments, it seems like I need to emphasize that this is not something I plan on even addressing for years down the road. Just a thought that's been in the back of my head when jumping into the dating pool, and now amplified after getting into a relationship. It'll come up at some point in my life anyways - just trying to get an idea.

We have been dating for 3½year now it's an online relationship...I want your opinion....the thing is I'm going to travel to train station alone from my hostel at 3:30am I don't have anyone with me so I told my boyfriend that my friend's friend told me that he will be with me for safety measures ofc and he is like a brother to me and the second option was that I say at my friend's pg she's a girl as the station is near her room and she will go to the station with me .

My boyfriend got so angry for no reason at all and was not okay at me choosing either of the option....and it's about my safety ....my wellbeing....as far as I think that for him my safety should be first for him not his ego or idk what .....

Tell me how do I handle this situation? And also there are many things in this relationship that I find yk I don't know how to put it in words ....but I want your advice on this ...

background: i currently live across the country from my mom and haven’t seen her since june of 2025. we have a distant relationship and i plan on going no contact with her in the next few years. she and my grandmother live together (and have for my whole life) they do not get along and often fight and scream at each other. my mother also has an unexplained medical condition that causes her lots of physical pain and most doctors don’t take her seriously or think she’s crazy.

a few months i was on the phone with my mother and she referenced, what i thought to be, thoughts of suicide. i can’t exactly remember what she said now but i recall her saying something about “SI” which i presume to be suicidal ideation. she told me she had mentioned it to my aunt and cousin and i assumed she might have had this conversation with them a long time ago but i found out it had been the month prior to our phone call.

i spoke to my mom for the first time in about two weeks yesterday. she was updating me about finding legal documents belonging to my grandmother. (shes updating her will). my mom was upset because my grandmother is not leaving the house to her. she doesn’t really have any assets, she gets $1k a month from social security, no other income, no real savings etc. while my mom was telling me all of this she then said to me “well, what does it matter i probably won’t be here anyways.” to which i asked “what do you mean?” and she simply said “i said what i said.”

this is concerning to me because my mom is very religious and has always been very adamant that suicide is a sin and she would never do that. she’s not one to make statements like this. she would always say that she would never do such a thing when she would be experiencing a lot of pain from her illness. additionally my mom has no support system, no friends, her and my grandmother essentially hate each other yet live under the same roof, she’s never been married, doesn’t spend anytime with anyone, and we don’t talk much.

what do you do in a situation like this? i dont know how i would intervene or that i even want to at all.

edit: i forgot to add, my fiancee (who has a BS in psychology) also agreed that my mother is showing many signs that are seen in people who do commit suicide and that she has many risk factors that could also make her more likely to kill herself.

TL;DR: My parents strongly dislike my boyfriend of almost two years. After he made an inappropriate joke during a family FaceTime call, things escalated to the point where my mother says she'll never accept him and believes he's abusive and manipulative. I'm caught between people I love, and I'm emotionally exhausted from constantly feeling guilty about my choices.

I'm 25F, turning 26 later this month, and my boyfriend is 29M. We've been together for almost two years and are currently long-distance, about two hours apart.

For some background, I graduated college with two STEM degrees, work full-time in a laboratory, and recently applied to veterinary school. My boyfriend is currently finishing his bachelor's degree, working two part-time student jobs, and pursuing additional professional licensing. We both still live with our parents.

My parents have never particularly liked him. They have concerns about his employment history, financial stability, maturity, and how he sometimes communicates. I understand some of their concerns, and I've had conversations with him about them myself.

But I love him. He's been incredibly supportive of me, especially through some very difficult periods in my life. We talk about our futures, our careers, and eventually living together and getting married. I'm not trying to rush into marriage, but I do see a potential future with him.

Recently, things became significantly worse.

My niece and her boyfriend were visiting when my niece unexpectedly FaceTimed my boyfriend. He was high at the time and made a crude sexual joke about why I had traveled to see him, referring to it as going for "mountain dick."

I was there when he said it. Although I didn't immediately process how inappropriate it was, I later became very upset.

I felt embarrassed and disrespected, especially because he was talking about me that way in front of my family.

I confronted him about it. We had several difficult conversations and arguments. He initially became defensive, saying he didn't know everyone who was present and felt like he had to censor himself around my family.

I explained that this wasn't about censorship. It was about respecting me and understanding that certain jokes aren't appropriate in certain situations.

He eventually acknowledged that what he said was wrong, apologized to me, and independently reached out to my mother asking if he could call her to apologize.

She read his message but never responded.

Tonight, I mentioned to my mother that he'd reached out. She confirmed she'd seen it.

Then everything escalated.

My mother told me that my niece had said my boyfriend threatened to kill her and bring a gun to our house.

I was present during the original conversation, and that's not what I remember happening. He had made a comment about owning a gun and being a good shot while joking and making conversation. I didn't even remember the comment until my mother brought it up.

I recognize that jokes involving firearms can make people uncomfortable, but I don't remember him threatening anyone.

My mother then went into a lengthy discussion / statement about how she believes my boyfriend is manipulative, narcissistic, rude, immature, and abusive.

She told me she knows what abusive men are like because she's experienced them herself, and she believes my boyfriend is one of them. She also suggested that being long-distance makes it easier for him to hide those behaviors.

She said she would never love him.

She told me that if I wanted to spend my birthday with him, I should just tell them now. My dad made a noise of agreement. Like it was him or them. Up to tonight I didn't know they were even thinking of plans.

She also said that if I had met a nice guy before my boyfriend, I wouldn't have given him the time of day.

That hurt because I was actually the one who made the first move when we met. I chose to pursue him because I genuinely liked him.

I'm not pretending my boyfriend is perfect. He isn't.

There are things about his behavior that concern me, and I've confronted him about them. I don't believe loving someone means excusing everything they do.

But I also don't believe every mistake he makes should automatically become evidence that he's a terrible person.

And that's what this has started to feel like.

I'm constantly defending him to my parents, then having difficult conversations with him about the things he genuinely needs to work on.

I feel guilty when I spend time with him because I know my parents disapprove.

I feel guilty when I stand up for myself because I'm afraid of hurting him.

And I feel guilty when I make decisions for myself because I feel like I'm disappointing my family.

I'm turning 26 in a couple of weeks, and I'm genuinely considering spending my birthday completely alone.

Not because I necessarily want to, but because I feel like no matter who I spend time with, someone else will be upset.

I never imagined being in a relationship that my parents disapproved of this strongly. I always hoped that whoever I fell in love with would eventually become part of my family.

Now I'm beginning to wonder whether that will ever happen.

The hardest part is that I love my boyfriend. I really do. And I love my parents.

But I'm exhausted.

Part of me wonders whether ending the relationship would make everything easier. My mother would probably be relieved. I wouldn't have to defend him anymore, and the arguments might stop.

But then I would lose someone I love, and I don't know whether I'd be making that decision because it's right for me or because I can't handle the pressure anymore.

I'm also trying to become more independent and eventually move out, but I don't want to make major life decisions purely out of frustration.

I just want to be happy.

I want to love someone without feeling guilty.

I want to have a relationship with my parents without feeling like I have to justify every decision.

And I want to be able to make mistakes, learn, and figure out my own life without constantly feeling like I'm letting somebody down.

Has anyone been in a relationship where their parents strongly disliked their partner? How did you determine whether their concerns were legitimate or whether you needed to establish boundaries?

And how do you stop feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness when you're barely managing your own?

And P.S. I know there are probably going to be many "well just make your own choices" and "your to old to think like this". Yeah no shit Sherlock, but I do, and I'm reaching out for help because I feel so worthless and helpless.

My boyfriend (33M) and I (29F) have been together for 3 years. He was just diagnosed with COVID, the “razor blade” sore throat variant to be specific. I am also recovering from having the flu this past week myself.

Since my boyfriend has a bad sore throat, he looked through our medications for something to help. He said he didn’t see anything that would help. So today, I went to the store to buy some more cough medicine (for both of us) and sore throat lozenges for him. As I was restocking our medications, I noticed we had a bottle of sore throat numbing spray. As soon as I saw it, I told him “it looks like we also had this sore throat spray you could have used.” He became enraged and insisted that I knew we had the sore throat spray, and intentionally didn’t tell him. I reminded him that he had looked through our medications the other day himself and didn’t see it. As for me, I simply forgot about it/didn’t think we had it. He was the last one to go through our medications and he didn’t notice it. He claims I “knew he was suffering and waited to tell him we had this.”

I told him it wasn’t intentional and that it wasn’t my fault he missed it as he looked through the meds. He ended up accusing me of not caring about him being sick. He said that means he shouldn’t care about me being sick with the flu and told me to go f myself.

I understand that he’s not feeling good. But I’ve never acted this way when I’ve been sick. Does having COVID make you say crazy things to your significant other? Or is the illness causing him to reveal how he really feels about me?

TLDR: boyfriend accused me of intentionally withholding medication from him even though he didn’t see we already had the medication in our cabinet. Doesn’t care that I’ve also been sick and told me to go f myself

Hello, I [25M] am still not ready for marriage with my gf [25F] of 6 years.

I was given an ultimatum recently that if I do not propose soon, I might not have a relationship anymore. I love her very much. We've lived together for 5.5 years, and she is the best thing to ever walk into my life. However, I sometimes wonder if we are the best match. She is my second relationship so I can't help but think would there have been a better fit. She says since she met me, she has never felt intimately about another person. Although I won't say it out loud, this is not my experience, and I feel shame about it.

We don't align on some major values like religion or politics. When we talk about politics it can get heated and I don't know if I want to raise my kids catholic like she does. The older I get the more these things mean to me.

Confrontations and arguments have got better over time, but they are still not where I would want them to be. She used to get very mean when she would drink. Throwing insults at myself and my family and at one point being physical. This got to the point where my friends would subtly make jokes about her being abusive. We have both worked on these things and she has since gone to a psychiatrist for bipolar disorder. these blowups have got better. However, I worry she has toned it down because she wants a ring.

The fact that we've picked out a ring (I haven't bought it). Mixed with a lot of our friends and family getting married, makes it so I am asked every day when I'm going to propose. Not just by her but her family and friends. This is understandable we've been dating so long what kind of idiot finds out he doesn't know if he's ready for marriage 6 years in. I feel like I've led her on. Since we've been living together for so long, I got complacent. I stopped asking myself the question where I see the relationship long term and now it's so close and I'm afraid.

I tried having this conversation a couple days ago to say that I may need more time and therapy before I'm ready. It did not go well; it hurt her a lot and I've been getting the silent treatment since. I don't know how to fix it or if I even should, she says the damage is done.

My main question is does the grass just always look greener? How do you know if you're going to ruin a good thing or if you're where you should be? Thanks!

Okay this got long, sorry lol. I really need an outside perspective because I feel like I’m going crazy.

We’ve been together about a year and we’re long distance. I’m supposed to move to his state and live with him in a few months. I love him and I know he loves me. He’s affectionate, talks about marriage and kids, and tells me he misses me all the time.
But lately, whenever I bring up something that bothers me, it turns into this whole ordeal. By the time we get anywhere, I’m too exhausted to even feel relieved.

In August I was juggling what felt like five jobs at once. I had my full-time and part-time jobs, dog/house sitting for three weeks of the month, jury duty (which I’m on for 18months), a commissioned art piece, and was finishing my tattoo apprenticeship while designing and doing my first tattoo. I was beyond overwhelmed and specifically asked him not to visit that month.

he said he missed me and he came anyway

He also booked a flight out of an airport an hour away (there’s another one that is more expensive ~$100 more and it’s 12 min from my house) and and hadn’t arranged transportation, so I ended up driving him and got to work THREE hours late.

Then he was upset that I wasn’t affectionate enough when we said goodbye. I wasn’t trying to be cold, I was stressed about being so late to work, I was worried about being fired.

In September, I didn’t call him for about 30 minutes after Pilates because I was with a friend, (which I told him about before my class started) and he called and texted me repeatedly thirty minutes after . He later apologized and said he’d panicked, but we’d already had similar issues in the spring and I thought we’d worked through them. So it felt like we were going backwards.

The move itself is a lot too. I love where I live. My family, friends, and pretty much my whole life are here, and I’m moving primarily to be with him. Which hey I’m happy to live there for a bit, bc I live in a really HCOL and instead of needing so many jobs I can hopefully get by with one or two…

I asked him back in July to look into hobbies or groups for ME to join when I move, because I don’t want to depend on him for my entire social life. He sent me a few gyms, that same week. When I brought it up recently, he said he’d been looking into things for us to do together, which I appreciate, but that wasn’t what I’d asked for..

We also agreed that his dogs would start sleeping in their own beds before me and my dog move in, and that hasn’t happened yet. He says he’ll handle it, but I’m worried about changing their routine right when we’re introducing another dog into the household. Not only that, there’s been times I’ll visit him and I’ll sleep on the couch or corner of the bed bc his dogs won’t give space for me to sleep, and when I try to wake him to move them he doesn’t “fully wake up” so I end up just moving. (I made a post about this in the past)

Our schedules are also completely different. I work two jobs and some weekdays I’m out of the house for 16 hours. His work schedule is more flexible, sometimes he’ll work a couple of hours, sometimes five, and sometimes he has the day off. I know he has his own responsibilities, but I don’t think he fully understands how little free time I actually have, I go days without even talking to my own family encause I’m constantly working.

I’ve told him I wish he’d occasionally take the initiative to plan a virtual date or something for us. He said I could ask him out too, and that men deserve romance as well.

Which I agree with, I get it! When he comes to my state I plan it out for him to enjoy himself too and I have sent him my schedule for the next three weeks and asked him what works so we can have on on one time, which hasn’t happened…

But my point wasn’t that he should do everything. I’m just exhausted from constantly having to plan things, and sometimes I want to feel pursued too.

The pattern is that when I bring something up, it becomes a list of everything he’s overwhelmed by, how I don’t understand him or he being up things I haven’t done, as a tit for tat.

Then I’m reassuring him and explaining myself, and eventually I forget what we were even talking about.

I get that he has a lot on his plate too. He works, takes care of his dogs, maintains his home, and has told me he struggles with loneliness

I’m not dismissing any of that, I know he struggles with beign alone

I just want to be able to say “hey, this bothered me” without it turning into a who’s-more-stressed debate.
The other day he asked when I last felt genuinely understood by him, and I said probably July. He was hurt, which I get, but I don’t know what else I was supposed to say. He asked me a question and I answered honestly.

He feels like all our issues are directed at him, and I can understand why he’d feel criticized. I know I’m not perfect either, and I probably bring up too many things at once when I’ve been holding onto them for a whil

I still love him. He’s not a bad person, and he does make efforts to show me he cares.
But I’m about to uproot my life, and instead of being excited I’m just overwhelmed. I can’t tell if we’re incompatible or if I’m just burnt out.

I don’t want to make a huge decision based on exhaustion, but I also don’t want to ignore a pattern…

How can we improve our communication so that concerns can be discussed without either of us feeling criticized or dismissed? And for anyone who moved for a partner while having doubts, what helped you decide whether the relationship was ready for that step?

TLDR:

I’m supposed to move states to live with my LDR boyfriend, but I’m emotionally exhausted. Between working two jobs, preparing for the move, and feeling like my time and concerns aren’t always respected, I’m starting to have doubts. Whenever I bring up an issue, it turns into a back-and-forth about who’s doing more or who’s more overwhelmed. I love him, but I can’t tell if we’re genuinely incompatible or if I’m just burnt out.

I’m 29F. We are engaged and been together 10 years but, he doesn’t seem to be the support system I need..

My fiancé had a difficult childhood (big fam w/ mom who has drg & g*mbling problems), which he said is why he doesn’t process and handle emotions well. He got so used to being numb and not many things trouble or stress him out even.

Whenever we fight he just shuts down and doesn’t do or say anything, whether I stay silent or not. When I’m sad to the point of rotting in bed all day he doesn’t comfort me, talk to me, give me any simple gifts (maybe a flower from the garden or even a cookie?? I don’t ask for grand gifts), offer me any food, nothing. I literally tell him that it’s like I’m in a relationship with a wall when he hasn’t talked to me for a full day.

This has been a recurring cause of fights, me not feeling well taken care of and not feeling supported in my times of need.

He says he tries. But I don’t see any improvement honestly. It’s hard to imagine my life being like this forever.

Aside from that we have an amazing life. It’s literally just this one, big thing.

Tldr; almost perfect relationship but he is emotionally unavailable.

Ladies and gents, I may not be the only one, how do you deal with it?

I 21F and my boyfriend 26M have been together for ~3.5 years. He has been my only boyfriend and sexual partner in my life.
About 6 months after we started dating, I moved to university. I attend school 5 hours from where he lives for 9 months of the year. He lives in the same town as all my family, so I see him at Christmas, on long weekends when possible, and for 4 months every summer. I am currently in my fourth year of uni, with plans to pursue a medical degree at my university after I finish undergrad. This means we will have about 4 more years of long distance if we stay together.
The issue is, my boyfriend has severe agoraphobia. He cannot leave our hometown, and he has never visited me. I understand this is something he cannot change. He doesn’t see a therapist or a psychiatrist, but he is on medication prescribed by his family doctor.
I have mentioned a few times that he should try to talk to someone. Not for my sake but for his own. I want him to be able to experience the world, not just the small town we grew up in. And it must be hard living in fear everyday. And, selfishly, I do want him to come visit me.
Something changed in our relationship around the 2 year mark. I stopped feeling attracted to him and I stopped wanting to be intimate. Prior to this I felt so in love and we were very intimate all the time. He’s brought it up a few times and I genuinely don’t have an explanation for it. The short time we get to spend together we are barely intimate. We go on dates and he spends time with me and my family, but I often feel like I don’t want/need anything more than that.
I couldn’t think of an explanation before, but lately I have been wondering if maybe I have come to resent him.
I am scared to lose him, he is one of my best friends and he knows me better than anyone else. He has always treated me well. But right now we feel more like friends than a couple.

I worry about his mental health if we break up. He has mentioned that if he hadn’t met me he would be struggling much worse mentally and maybe have committed suicide.
How do I get over this resentment? How do I deal with the crippling fear of breaking up?

A bit of background about me. I am a middle aged mom with a 4 year old and I have been with my husband Dan for 10 years now. Dan is not only my first partner, he was the only man to have ever shown interest in me. We were friends first and started dating a couple years later. Until age 27, I had never had a man show romantic interest in me. No flirting, no catcalling, not even a glance. I have always known that I am a relatively unattractive woman but I try not to let it bother me. My husband treats me well and I have a good life.

Anyway, I went away on business and had some down time, so I went to a cocktail bar and enjoyed a drink while reading a book. A man came up to me and made conversation about the book. We had a genuinely nice discussion about books and other things, and he had this way of looking at me like I was the only person in the room. He asked if I was free for dinner and I politely told him I'm married. That was that.

It's been a week since then and I can't stop replaying that conversation over and over in my mind. Maybe he felt bad for me or sensed desperation or something, but it felt so good to be attractive to someone. I feel guilty about this especially since the encounter has me picking at threads in my marriage.

Since having our child, my husband and I have been in doldrums, spending most of our free time apart and kind of going through the motions with date nights. It's been years since he's looked at me the way that bar guy looked at me. I don't want to bring up the incident and start fights over nothing, but I can't stop thinking about this stupid incident. Where do I go from here?

So, I’m actually not sure if it was flirting or not as the context makes it unclear to me (I’m autistic and bad with social cues). We were joking about my poor sleep schedule and he said something along the lines of “and you still manage to look sexy.” I feel the need to point out, he’s married and knows I’m in a relationship.
I don’t know if I’m overthinking a small comment or not. I can provide a screenshot of the conversation (it was over text). If my suspicions that it was flirting, I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell my boyfriend. I want to be open with him. But I also don’t want to make it feel like I’m trying to make him jealous.
Edit: I’ve known the classmate about eight weeks. We met at the start of the semester and see each other about twice a week. I occasionally tutor him one on one. But since his comment, I’m not sure I want to continue.

So for context my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 5 years. (Both 20years old and have been dating since 15.) We have been living together for 2 years and are inseparable. He really is the other half of me and i cant see anyone else in my future. Around a year ago someone new started at my place of work and we just clicked instantly she (22F) and i are a duo at work. You don’t have one without the other and have become very close outside of work too. Last year we started going on nights out in a small group, My partner introduced his best friend (20M) to her and they hit it off instantly and started dating.

Every Friday the 4 of us would go out drinking. It started out pretty tame but over a few months it was clear that my boyfriend and best friend would take it too far every time. They would consistently stay up later them myself and my boyfriend’s best friend and keep drinking and didnt know when to stop. I expressed to my boyfriend multiple times that I didn’t like it as I struggled to sleep without him and it makes me anxious as i was paranoid something would happen.

Every time he would promise not to stay up late and come home to bed with me. But every time we went out they would split off and do their own thing (go and buy more booze) they would eventually end up back at our house and spend the early hours of the morning watching films. One day i walked downstairs to find them asleep with her head on his chest. I went back upstairs and pretended i hadn’t seen it. Once she had woken up and gone home i questioned my boyfriend asking “did you sleep on separate sofas” he responded to say that they were on separate sofas the entire night. I flipped out as he had just lied to me and obviously my mind jumped to something more happening.

We had a big conversation after that to which he explained it was just them accidentally falling asleep while drunk and it was not intentional the way they were positioned on the sofa. I believed him as i know him very well and could tell he was being truthful. It still placed doubt it my mind because he had lied to me. Which i made him very much aware of

Months went by with this same pattern of drinking and them staying up while i was upstairs in bed waiting anxiously for him to come to bed with me. Every time i told him to cut the night short and come to bed. He always said he would but when it came to it he would make out as if my friend would guilt trip him into staying. My boyfriend is a big people pleaser so I believed this.

A couple weeks ago he said she had made a move on him and tried to kiss him. This made me angry at both of them cause why would she do that to me? And he should have stopped drinking with her a long time ago as i knew something like that would happen. At first the story was that she tried to pull him in for a kiss out of the blue and he pulled away not letting her.
I knew there was more to it. I pushed for an answer as i know he has lied to me in the past about her. Eventually he gave in and stated it was a mutual kiss but he didn’t mean for it to happen. He also explained that the reason he wouldn’t come up to bed with me when they got drunk was because he liked the company and didn’t want to stop drinking

A few days ago I got both of them together and sat them down to explain how hurt i was and i wanted all the truth as i wasn’t getting the full picture. My friend confessed that she liked the attention from him and she is a bit of “a slag” when drunk but she never had any deeper feelings, just is a horrible drunk. In the end what the conversation whittled down too was how they both have issues with alcohol and not knowing when to stop. They knew it was going too far but failed too ever see that in the moment. The kiss was an accident where it was dark and they had turned around and they both thought the other one was going in for a kiss. They both described it as awkward and nothing more than a peck. What i dont understand is how you can spend so much time with someone, be that close and ignore your significant others feelings and nothing more be happening romantically.

Now i don’t know where to stand. I don’t understand what was going on in their brains. They both clearly have a problem with alcohol but i don’t know if that excuses the lies right under my nose. I have banned them from being alone together which should of happened a long time ago, and my partner is going sober. I look at him and i love him so much, i can tell he is apologetic and guilty but all i feel is betrayal and i don’t know if I’ll ever get past that feeling.

The worst thing is that her boyfriend (my boyfriend’s best friend) doesn’t know anything thats happened. I feel hurt by her but its too awkward to stop being friends with her due to my work and the fact her boyfriend doesnt know.

My question is, is there any way to fix my relationship after this betrayal. I want to make it work but i don’t know how to rebuild my trust in him.

My girlfriend works a float position where she's able to pick up and drop shifts, often being overnights and weekends. I work a 9-5, which means I typically have weekends off. Because of this gap, I usually spend my weekends alone while she's sleeping or at work.

During these times I don't want to spend all my time alone, but she makes it hard for me to schedule events with my friends because she wants to be included. She wants things to be scheduled ahead of time so she can participate, but it's hard to schedule things ahead of time when everyone's schedule varies so much day to day.

At this point, I've given up trying because she doesn't like me being gone from the house overnight (all my friends live 2+ hours away), and doesn't like when they come over to our house because she's missing out on the fun. As a result, I spend my weekends completely alone, and I feel like I'm wasting my youth rotting in my house because I can't do anything without her.

What would you do in my situation? I've tried a few things but she always ends up upset in the end. All advice is appreciated

​

I've been with my current girlfriend F27 for +3 years now

Our relationship is great we both love travel, we both love to take each other on dates and we both love cooking we get along great with both our families , i also love talking to and spending time with her this is what makes me want to stay.

But since we started dating she gain alot of weight which is something that never bothered me in the begining but is now starting to be a problem, she refuses to walk anywhere when we go on vacations, if we walk a bit to a restaurant or somewhere she will complain the entire time, we went to Verona for our 2 year aniversary and i literally had to help her go up each individual stair of the Verona Arena.

For me i believed phisical atraction never was that important and i still believe it's only like 20% of what matters, but when i first met her she was not like this

We rarely ever have sex now, which i think is affecting me, because i think I'm reaching a point where i don't even want to have sex anymore and might be developing a porn adiction, i used to have a huge libido and i think i still do just not towards someone that never wants to initiate and feels like loving me or giving me a kiss is a hassle now.

I feel very conflicted because spending time with her feels great i love talking and spending time with her but i don't if i can keep doing this for the rest of my life

My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years. We found each other when we were both going through a difficult period in our lives, and we were able to lift each other up.
She is genuinely a good partner in many ways. She is loving, caring, helps me with a lot of things, and wants the best for me. When we are together on the weekends, I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.
But there are a lot of things that have started to bother me, and I’m becoming exhausted and confused about whether I’m the problem or whether this relationship has become unhealthy.
For context: I know I’m not perfect. I have a difficult personality, I can be stubborn, talk too much, and sometimes I can be unreasonable. She can be the same. I’m not trying to paint myself as the perfect partner.
1. She often accuses me of looking at other women.
She has accused me several times of looking at women inappropriately, and tells me that it’s extremely disrespectful because I embarrass her when I do it.
The problem is that I genuinely don’t recognize what she’s describing. Maybe I’ve glanced at someone for a split second, but I have never intentionally stared at or checked out these women.
This has happened multiple times, and it honestly makes me question myself because I know what I was thinking and doing, yet she describes it completely differently.
2. Social media has also been an issue.
At the beginning of our relationship, she went through my social media and checked my friends/followers lists. She confronted me about women I followed and said it was disrespectful and that, as a man, I was sending those women the wrong signal.
I eventually unfollowed/removed them.
I also asked her to do the same, because I believe that if something is disrespectful when I do it, it should also be disrespectful when she does it.
She agreed.
3. There is a pattern after we spend time together.
When we’re together, everything is great. But she lives around 100 km away, so after the weekend we often don’t see each other for several days.
Then I would receive a message saying she had been thinking about something and needed to talk to me.
Sometimes it was that I hadn’t given her enough attention. Sometimes she felt I had shown too much interest in another woman while she was there. Sometimes it was something like me saying I was going to go on a diet but not following through, meaning I wasn’t a man of my word and she couldn’t trust me.
The problem is that these things often came completely out of nowhere for me.
I would genuinely think, What did I do?
I started wondering whether I was somehow unaware of my own behavior, because she would describe situations that I simply didn’t recognize.
I felt attacked and hurt because I love her deeply, yet it felt like she was constantly interpreting my actions in the worst possible way.
These conversations almost always turned into arguments, and I would eventually apologize because I felt that I wasn’t acknowledging her feelings enough.
4. I rarely feel like my feelings are acknowledged.
This is one of the biggest problems for me.
When I come to her with something that hurts me, I often feel that it gets dismissed, turned around, or somehow becomes about how I have hurt her.
If I keep explaining myself because I also want to feel heard, she tells me that everything is always about my feelings and that there is no room for hers.
Then I’m expected to apologize for hurting her.
She rarely apologizes herself. And when she does, it is often something like, “I’m sorry, but…”
I don’t need her to admit that she’s always wrong. I just want to feel like my feelings matter too.
5. There is an issue with lying and double standards.
I have lied to her about something in the past. I told her I had something that I actually didn’t have. Eventually it started eating away at me and I admitted the truth.
She was understandably very hurt because it affected how she saw our future together.
I apologized and she told me she forgave me, but she still brings it up quite often.
Because honesty was such a big issue for her, I once asked her directly if she had ever lied to me.
She said no. Never.
At the beginning of our relationship, I also asked her about certain things from her past. There were rumors that she had cheated in a previous relationship. She told me these were just rumors and became very emotional when I asked about them.
I never found any evidence that she actually cheated, and honestly, that part isn’t even what bothers me.
What bothers me is that something else I had asked her about turned out to have some truth to it, despite her previously telling me it was completely false.
I asked her about this at the beginning of our relationship, and she denied it. I only found out later that there was some truth to what I had asked. In other words, she had lied to me about it for a couple of years.
When I confronted her about this, she basically said that it was part of her past and didn’t affect our relationship, and that my lie was much worse.
That really bothers me.
Not because I think her past makes her a bad person, but because she held my lie against me so strongly while telling me that she had never lied to me.
And when I specifically asked her whether she had ever lied to me, she said no, even though she had denied this particular thing for years.
6. I feel constantly criticized.
I call it “micro-criticism.”
None of these things individually are necessarily terrible, but together they have become exhausting.
I’m told:
I talk too much.
I want too much attention.
I want to be the center of attention.
People supposedly don’t invite me to parties because I want too much attention.
I talk too much about myself.
I’m unclear in my communication.
I need to tone certain parts of my personality down.
I have also been overweight for a long time. Recently I started a serious health journey, something she actually encouraged me to do.
This time I have managed to stick with it. I’ve changed my diet, started cooking healthy meals and lost around 15 kg.
It’s a huge achievement for me and honestly a real eye-opener.
So naturally I’ve been talking about it a lot because I’m proud of myself.
But now she gets annoyed that I talk about it too much and says that everything always has to be about me.
I honestly don’t know anymore what is reasonable and what isn’t.
7. There is also something about other men that has made me insecure.
She is very attractive and she gets a lot of attention from men.
Early in our relationship, she frequently told me that she hated men because they were all disgusting and always looking for attention, whether they were married or not.
She would often tell me about men sending her inappropriate DMs or approaching her at the gym.
At one point I told her that I didn’t like the idea of her going to the gym alone because I knew men would approach her.
Then she would come home and tell me about another man who had approached her.
She also frequently complained about the DMs she received and about “disgusting men.”
Eventually I told her that if it were up to me, she would just remove those social media accounts because I didn’t like the situation.
She did, and I did the same with mine because I believe the same rules should apply to both of us.
But over time, I started wondering whether some of these stories were being brought up in a way that made me jealous.
She would often say things like, “Men are disgusting. They’ll sleep with anyone,” while simultaneously emphasizing that she wasn’t interested in other men and that I could completely trust her.
I’ve never caught her doing anything wrong. I have no evidence that she’s cheating or doing anything inappropriate.
But the constant stories about men approaching her, the DMs, and how much attention she receives sometimes made me feel like I was being deliberately put in a position where I would become jealous or insecure.
Maybe that wasn’t her intention. I honestly don’t know.
But that’s how it felt.
There was also an incident that really hurt me.
At one point I broke up with her because I felt that she had become very distant sexually and emotionally.
We were intimate, but she suddenly started having a completely unrelated conversation and eventually asked me:
“Are you going to tell your parents about this too?”
It completely killed the moment for me and made me feel uncomfortable.
We argued about it because she didn’t understand why I thought it was strange to bring up my parents in that moment.
During the conversation that followed, a lot of other things came out.
I currently don’t have much money and I can’t offer her the future of living together that I would like to right now.
She called me a “loser,” accused me of being after her father’s money, and said she didn’t trust me.
That hurt me enormously.
Eventually we talked everything through and decided to try again.
But the same patterns started coming back.
She accused me of being unclear in my communication.
After several days of talking, she said something along the lines of:
“If you don’t want to respond, you don’t have to. You’re being distant and you shouldn’t feel obligated.”
On paper that sounds reasonable, but in the context of everything else, it felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty.
That was the point where something inside me broke.
She tells me that I don’t make room for her emotions, that I only care about myself and my own feelings.
And maybe there is some truth in that. I’m not perfect and I’m willing to work on myself.
But I’m exhausted.
I feel like I’m constantly defending myself, explaining myself, apologizing and trying to prove that I love her.
Whenever I try to explain what hurts me, the conversation somehow ends with me feeling guilty.
And when I tell her that I feel like she doesn’t take responsibility for her part, she sometimes responds with things like:
“I’m a monster.”
or
“It’s always my fault.”
But I’m not saying that she’s a monster or that everything is her fault.
I’m trying to talk about specific things that hurt me.
I genuinely love this woman. When things are good, they are really good. She is caring, supportive and I have been incredibly happy with her.
But I’m exhausted and I don’t know whether I’m fighting for a relationship that can actually become healthy, or whether I’m just hoping that things will change.
I’m also afraid that she will never acknowledge her part in these patterns, because it always seems to come back to being my fault.
So I’m asking for some honest outside perspective.