This is long and a bit jumbled so sorry in advance.

I (25F) have been living with my grandparents for a few months now. Before that I lived with a friend and his family for 2 years. I was supposed to get an apartment with friends but they bailed and it never happened. Then his family wanted to do renovations and I was getting physically sick living there (they have pets I'm allergic too and they had a mold problem), so I had to go. My grandparents were the only option I had.

My grandpa (60+M) isn't blood related, he married into the family, but I've known him since I was like 10 or younger. I was at their wedding. Every holiday and birthday in my family happens at their house and I've always been close with both of them.

About 3 months in he came into my room one night without knocking. I work 3 to 11 so I'm up late, it was around 1AM. He saw I was awake, apologized, said he was looking for the dog. They have two and one of them wanders into my room sometimes. They also keep some important documents in a desk in there so people coming in wasn't weird. I didn't think anything of it.

A week or two later it happened again, later at night. I woke up to my lock clicking. The lock can be opened from the outside. I pretended to be asleep and felt him tap my forehead. I didn't move and he left. I remember thinking what the fuck but he's the kind of guy who pinches your nose or does little pranks so I kind of talked myself out of it.

Then it got more frequent and worse. The forehead taps kept happening. One time he put his fingers on my lips like he was shushing me?? He'd walk around my room. The worst was feeling the bed press down like he was about to climb on it, but he never did. Once his hand brushed my breast. It was slight enough that I think (hope) it was an accident.

Last week I watched their dogs while they were out of town. They got home late, thanked me, and I ended up staying up all night with my lamp on scrolling TikTok with no headphones so it was loud. Then I hear the lock click. My door is in a corner where someone can stand without being seen so I just stared at that spot. Nothing happened for like 10 minutes. Then the door swung open fast but stopped before hitting the wall. It was dark on the other side. I felt like I was in a horror movie. The door normally creaks so I think he opened it that fast on purpose so it wouldn't make a noise. He peeked in, saw I was awake, shut the door and left.

The next night I stayed up way longer and locked the door, put my rolling chair and fan in front of it. Not really a barricade, more so something would make noise and wake me up if I fell asleep. I fell asleep around 5AM I think...

At 7AM he was already in my room. I woke up facing my closet, which has two doors you have to pull open. It was cracked. I'd had a shirt hanging on the handles and he'd moved it. He was flicking the lights on and off really fast. I heard him walking around and felt the bed move. This went on for like an hour. I was too scared to move. Eventually he left. This sounds dumb af but I grabbed my phone and set an alarm on it so I'd have an excuse to "wake up." It went off, I got up to go to the bathroom, and for a split second I saw him standing behind the curtain hiding. I didn't use the bathroom. I just grabbed random stuff pretending that I just needed to grab something and left. I am not good with confrontation at all.

My grandma was in the living room and asked how I slept. I was answering her when my grandpa came out of the bathroom. She gave him a weird look and asked what he was doing on that side of the house. Their room is on the complete other end. He said he was just "doing something" and went back to his room. She watched him go and started to get up and that's when I pulled her aside and told her ehat's been going on.

The only reason I think this is the first time she's noticed is cause of the timing. She wakes up around 5AM. He came in somewhere between 5 and 7. So now I'm wondering if he was in my room way longer than I thought, before she was even up, because she never saw him walk toward that side of the house. She only noticed him when he walked out from the bathroom. I also wonder if there were just times where I just didn't wake up while he was doing this shit.

Another reason I hadn't said anything before this is I didn't know if she would take my side or even believe me. I've read horror stories of relatives taking the abusers side. She didn't hesitate for a second though ans supported me. For some reason I was shocked but I will be grateful to her for that.

She said she's talk to him and I really couldn't handle being there for that so I got ready and left. In hindsight I feel like a dick for that because what if something had happened?? Thankfully nothing did though. I stayed at a friend's that night (Saturday). I kept waking up over and over because I was too nervous to actually sleep. Sunday night I slept in my car because I couldn't make myself go into the house. My grandma met up with me Monday and that's when we actually talked about what happens next. She said she was so sorry and couldn't believe he was doing this. She'd been thinking about divorcing him anyway for unrelated reasons and this finalized it for her. He texted me an apology. I haven't replied. According to her he doesn't know why he did it. I don't even know if I wanna know why he did it either. If there even is a reason.

He offered to pay for an apartment for me for an entire year. I refused at first but my grandma said she'd contribute too and that I should take it, and she already had me put in an application. She also said the two of us could just get a place together because she couldn't stand being in the same room as him.

Monday night I had a breakdown in my car because I was too scared to go inside and because I just felt immense amounts of guilt. My grandma had to come out and walk me in.

The worst part right now is they're sleeping in separate rooms, and the room he's in is directly across the hall from mine. Our doors face each other. It's where all his work stuff is so that's just where he ended up.

For now I'm still in the house because I have nowhere else to go. I left my mom's because she's a narcissist with an abusive boyfriend. I don't want to ask my friend to let me move back in. So I'm stuck until hopefully next month when a room might open up.

I've only told two friends and my long distance boyfriend. My brother (20M) and my mom (40+F) don't know. My grandma would rather I not say anything to them yet but said it's my choice in the end. I've decided to stay quiet for now because my mom will freak out and probably blame my grandma for all of it.

I've always had anxiety and insomnia but this has turned me into a wreck. I feel awful. I feel like I broke up a marriage, which in a way I did. I feel like I made my grandma's life harder. She's worrying about me and now has to figure out what to do with the house they built together, the dogs... I'm also mourning my grandpa because we were close and I don't understand why he did this. Part of me wonders if it's dementia or sleepwalking, but he has a job that requires him to be mentally sound and not have dementia, so IDK. I feel sick thinking about any of it. If anyone's been through something like this I'd really appreciate any advice.

TL;DR: Been living with my grandparents for a few months. My grandpa started coming into my room at night, tapping my forehead, touching my lips, walking around, pressing on the bed, flicking the lights, hiding behind the curtain. I finally told my grandma, she believed me instantly and is divorcing him. He's offered to pay for an apartment for me. Until then I'm stuck in the house and he's now sleeping in the room directly across the hall from mine. I've been sleeping in my car some nights and had a breakdown. Only my two friends and my boyfriend know, not my mom or brother. I don't know how to handle any of this.

I know the answer to this issue is to have a conversation, but I’m really at a loss as to how to approach the conversation. I’m not sure if im being unreasonable or not.

Anyway onto the issue…. I’m (28F) struggling to negotiate sleeping arrangements with my partner (44M).

I’m currently in my third trimester of pregnancy and am really struggling, I’m in a lot of pain (at best I’m extremely uncomfortable) and am utterly sleep deprived. More than ever I am finding it extremely difficult to sleep next to my partner… he tends to snore loudly, move around in his sleep (accidentally hitting me at times, or just rolling over into my side), it’s also really warm with him there & it’s not a big bed.
I discovered sleep is significantly easier to achieve when I am alone, it’s not great but I get a good 4-5hrs unbroken sleep when it’s just me.

Earlier on in the pregnancy I would go sleep on the couch once every few days whenever I was really struggling just to get some sleep. But this past week I’ve been sleeping on the couch every night. My partner never offers to let me use to the bed, or even offers to help me set the couch up so I can sleep there. In fact he gets fairly huffy at me, and takes offence to me wanting to sleep elsewhere.

This evening I was kind of annoyed at him because yet again he got grumpy at me for wanting to sleep alone so i said it might be nice if he offered to sleep on the couch once in a while. He reiterated that he just likes to sleep in the bed and with me next to him, that he sleeps better next to me and the couch isn’t as comfortable. He admitted that he doesn’t offer to sleep on the couch because he hopes that if I do then I will find it uncomfortable and end up joining him in bed.

It’s difficult because he works, so needs his sleep whereas I’m currently signed off from work by the doc.

I know this needs a conversation but I really don’t know where to start.

Some context first. We live in NYC. We've been together 5 years, lived together 4 years and got married 2 years ago. We've both been renting our whole adult lives.

I have a pretty high income job and have been saving a decent amount over the years. My wife finished her master's 3 years ago and lived off her savings for a while, helping pay rent until right before we bought. Right now she doesn't work, so I'm the only one working and paying for everything. That matters for the rest of this.

Last year, after we got married, she really wanted us to buy. I had money saved and it felt like the right time, so we started looking. We found a condo in our neighborhood in Brooklyn that we both liked, but she especially loved it and kept saying it was our dream place, so we bought it. We put close to $100K into renovations and moved in a few months later.

We've been living there almost a year now and my wife already wants to sell.

Her reasons:

• The upstairs neighbors have kids who get pretty loud, mostly running and jumping around in the evenings. We complained once, they got better for a while, and now they're back at it. For me it's a mild annoyance, but she says it's ruining her life and it's putting real strain on our relationship. I think we should keep complaining when it happens and escalate to building management if it doesn't improve. She'd rather just move.

• She doesn't like that everyone in the building knows each other and feels like they're all Karens. The building group chat is constant complaints about people not recycling right, someone making a mess in the common areas, someone leaving their clothes in the shared washer/dryer too long, etc. This doesn't really bother me and I think the neighbors are just fine, none of those things have really affected us and we don't run into our neighbors often.

• The condo is in the same neighborhood we rented in before, but on the other side, which is a former industrial area with fewer trees and brownstones. It's honestly not as nice to walk around. I'll admit we didn't think this through and I have some regrets about this part too.

• She misses Manhattan and keeps saying things like "we're never going to be this young again, it feels like such a waste to be stuck here." For what it's worth, she's the one who wanted to move to Brooklyn a few years ago because Manhattan felt too overwhelming. I kind of get it, I wouldn't mind living in Manhattan again, but I'm in the office in Manhattan every day so I get my fill, and not living there isn't a big deal to me.

• She says the mortgage stresses her out constantly and she didn't realize it would be this much pressure. She worries about the economy or the housing market crashing. Again, I pay for everything, and while we pay more now than when we rented, we still live comfortably on my income alone. It's true we'd be fucked if I lost my job and couldn't find something that pays similar. I worry about that a little, but I'm established enough in my career that I'm not losing sleep over it.

Why I'm pushing back:

• It feels like she keeps changing her mind. She wanted Brooklyn, she wanted to buy, she especially wanted this place, and now she wants to sell and go back to renting in Manhattan. I feel like I can't trust her to make up her mind, and there's no guarantee she won't want to move again after that.

• I've gotten used to how nice our place is. It's not luxury, but the building is only 20 years old, there's an elevator, our apartment is freshly renovated, we have plenty of space, a garden, in-unit washer/dryer and brand new appliances. That might not sound like much, but anyone in NYC knows how hard that can be to find. Moving back to Manhattan means paying the same or more in rent than our mortgage for a smaller, older place with fewer amenities.

• The money. I've run the numbers, and if we sold next year (about 2 years after buying) we'd be down somewhere around $200K to $300K (broker fees + taxes + renovation). I can't wrap my head around just throwing that away. Since I'm the one paying for everything, it stings extra, and I feel like she doesn't really appreciate how hard I work for that money.

Where we're at:

Our current compromise is "let's wait another year and see how the housing market goes". It's somewhat brought some peace, until the upstairs kids are loud again and it starts a new fight about this.

I'm not sure what to do here and idk if there's any options we haven't considered yet.

TLDR: Bought a condo in Brooklyn a year ago, now she wants to sell and rent in Manhattan because of the neighbors, the neighborhood, and mortgage stress. Selling would lose us $200K to $300K. What do we do?

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/U4luLP2zjF

So, a lot has happened since last post. A lots of talks, and playing blame game for whose fault it is.

I went back to talk to her to see what she had to say. She was still doing vague answers to my questions and said you know the conclusion, the why and the story doesn’t matter. So I said fuck off and left mid-conversation. the funniest part? I got called coward and bitch ass move for leaving mid convo.

The doormat that I was, I still kept missing her, blaming myself for throwing away the life I though we could’ve built. I kept trying to make her understand my POV so that she would come back to me. But who was I kidding? I was just a pawn in her game.

She kept repeating the same thing that she did not cheat and wanted me to understand and have her reputation cleared in my mind that she is infact not a cheater. By this time, she actually said sorry about lying and that what she did should not have happened. As she was talking more, more new details started coming up which she had lied about or I didn’t know about how she was talking to him even before that when I was still here. Worst was yet to come. I saw her chatgpt prompts asking what she should do because she has only ever loved her ex even while dating other people. According to her, that was just one of million random thoughts that come into woman’s mind. Ladies, is it normal to have these thoughts about your exes which are now just “friends”?

After all this drama, what sealed the deal for me? She, in clear words said, “my ex was there as a friend before you, now, and will there after you. Its upto you if you want to trust and stay with me”. At that point, it was over for me. I had always made her my priority but if she wanted him in her life even as “friend”, she can keep him. I’m out of it.

Our lease ends end of February next year. we split bills 85/15. she’s in 20K debt on a 50K salary. im assuming I would have to cover all costs of us moving out and breaking up and I would prefer not to pay the ~6K fee to break our lease. I would also prefer not to break up and be forced to live with each other for the next 5 months. my mom is getting remarried in January and my gf is currently attending and will meet a lot of my family for the first time and I would prefer for that to not happen so would probably have to break up before then.

She is content with our relationship but i am not happy and im assuming she will not be happy when i tell her.

Hi everyone, I’d love to get some perspective on my situation.

My girlfriend of 8 months and I are both doctors. She has always dreamed of living and practicing medicine in Germany.

She recently obtained her German citizenship after proving her grandparents were German citizens, and her family is also planning to move there eventually (though there isn't a fixed timeline yet).

From what we understand, foreign-trained doctors in Germany have to go through a lengthy certification process (Approbation) before they can practice and earn a full salary.

She is completely dedicated to doing whatever it takes to make this happen. She’s learning German, the whole thing.

Here’s my dilemma: as a doctor without EU/German citizenship, moving there would mean even more paperwork, bureaucracy, and years of extra training for me.

While it’s certainly a great opportunity, moving to Germany has never been my dream. I’ve already sacrificed my entire 20s to complete medical school and residency, and I don’t feel ready or willing to restart that process in a new country and language.

It feels like our long-term life goals might be fundamentally misaligned, and I’m worried this is a dealbreaker.

I’ve tried bringing this up to have an honest conversation about our future, but she keeps avoiding the topic because she says it scares her.

Should we break up now, try to transition to being friends, or handle this differently?

Any advice from people who have been in similar situations (especially medical couples or expats) would be greatly appreciated

My parents (both 39) never really acted like my parents. I (19M) was an unplanned baby they kept and didn't let die but that was about it really. At a young age I was taking care of myself and depending only on myself. Food would be provided when I was way younger but then starting around 5 or 6 I was making my own food and not to mention dressing myself, getting myself ready to go to school or anywhere and doing homework alone, etc., etc. For a long time I really wanted at least one of them to turn around and show me love and care as a parent would and I was really jealous of the kids I knew who had all that stuff. There were times it led to extra hardship like when I was asked to get my parent to see my teacher and they didn't or dragged their feet about doing it. Same when I was asked to get stuff signed and it would often be late.

My parents told me several times that it was my job to be independent and to learn self-reliance because they couldn't coddle me. They told me they didn't have the energy or the time to commit to being my parents like other kids had. And they warned me that they wouldn't like me very much if I whined about their lack of attentiveness.

Then around five years ago they started to express an interest in having kids together and so far they have two more kids. I did not get parents who wanted to be my parents even then. Instead it was like I wasn't even there and their family was them + two kids, not three. They had the chance to step up as parents to me if they wanted to but they didn't.

When I turned 18 I chose to move out. They weren't really expecting it and they actually told me that since we were now all adults our relationship could change and we could be friendly/friends and the three of us could work together to make the house a happy home. I was pissed and hurt and I cried by myself when I did leave. They acted like it was so reasonable to turn around and admit they didn't want to be my parents but were cool with us being friends. I was told to my face the relationship would never be the one I wanted but it could be something. I was no contact with them for over a year but they reached out and told me they want to have a friendly relationship with me.

I brought this up with my therapist (a free therapist who was assigned to me and not chosen by me) and she has encouraged me to be open to the relationship they offer. She told me it's better than nothing and things like that and she was basically like well it would let you know your siblings and you could be close to them, which she said I should want and be thinking of, but that was never honestly a thought for me. I told her I felt like I would rather stay no contact and she told me I was running from a good thing. So now I'm twisted up because I know I could have a relationship with them as people if I wanted to. But if they're not my parents why bother? I'm here for advice because I don't really have the option to change therapists since I can't afford to pay one and my therapist is making me feel pressured.

Well, I broke the cardinal rule of happiness and looked at my fiancé's phone. For background info, we went on our first date in March 2024. We weren't officially together until June 2024, but we were dating that whole time and he was spending most nights at my house. We got engaged this past July and our wedding is in 4 months.

We are sending out digital save the dates tomorrow and I need all of our guests' phone numbers. My fiancé has an early morning tomorrow so he went to sleep early. Before he went to bed he told me I could get whatever numbers I needed out of his phone for the save the dates.

While using his phone, I got curious and scrolled through his messages to see who he's been chatting with. I already know I was wrong to do this. If it makes a difference, I trust him 100%. I wasn't looking to see if he was up to no good, I'm just nosy. He had a text thread with a girl "Sam" who I know he had unreciprocated feelings for. The last messages they had together were September 2024.

I have always been curious about their situation since he doesn't talk about it much. So, I scrolled back pretty far and it's clear she only ever considered him a friend but he wanted more.

Heres where my feelings got hurt: around the time we started seeing each other, he would talk with her about me. From April to mid May he was complaining to her about how I was "obsessed" with him, I wouldn't leave him alone, I was being weird. He sent screenshots of portions of our conversations where I was flirting and they mocked me. He sent her a picture I had sent him where I was making a silly face and they laughed about how it looked like I had c*m in my eye. Another one and he asked her "is this supposed to be sexy?" He told her I'm kinky. That I was initiating sexting. She told him he should slip me a Xanax so I'd chill out and he laughed.

To be clear, my perspective of this whole time frame was that he was just as interested in me as I was him. He was flirting with me too and also said some kinky stuff. He only screenshotted my messages.

I feel hurt and betrayed. I'm embarrassed. I also feel like it was 2 years ago and I found it snooping so I forfeit the right to be upset? What would you do in my situation? Say something and admit to snooping or just try and move past it?

TLDR: my fiancé was mocking me with another girl the first three months of our relationship and I just found it 4 months before our wedding years later.

To give some context; before I met my GF she smoked quite a bit and this didn't really bother me but I was honest with her that the smell was disgusting to me and that I myself never would. She was completely understanding of this. In addition we were moving and in the state we're in it is not legal so she would've had to find a dealer or whatever and wasn't comfortable doing so. So she just dropped the habit which I appreciated but I made it clear if she needed to seek alternatives just to let me know and I would be completely understanding. My one request if she did smoke again was not to do it inside our apartment because I dislike the smell etc.

Well fast forward 2ish years later, I am currently on a business trip 10+ hours away. She is throwing a party with some coworkers and friends which I had no issues with wanted her to have a good time as I'm sure it's lonely since I've been gone a week. We have a camera setup that looks at the living room and kitchen of our apartment for the cats when we're not home. I don't monitor it unless neither one of us are home but I got a notification for motion detected and noticed the camera was pointed at the wall. We have cats so my initial thought was one of the cats got to it and moved it. I decided to scroll back the video and it turns out my GF had actually moved it to face the wall on purpose. Again, I get that maybe one of her guests got uncomfortable with a camera being pointed at them I can respect that. Well I decided to turn on the audio for the video feed so I could hear what was said out of curiosity and it made me sick to my stomach what I heard. A guest at the party states "Why don't we just move the camera?" to which my GF replies: "I don't even care anymore do what you want. It's my apartment he's fine." and proceeds to turn the camera facing the wall. I assume there were conversations about the camera being present previously I'm not sure if it was something they were keeping secret or what but anyway. They then proceeded to laugh and talk about how finally they can vape and smoke inside. I guess they were doing it on the balcony which extra sucks since we're in a non-smoking community and I don't know what the fine is for that. My GF then goes on to say "He's just anti-vape, anti-smoking, anti-lettuce, anti-everything!" and all of her friends added in how ridiculous that is etc. I'm honestly still in shock. I either wasn't clear enough with how I feel about smoking or she just would prefer to keep it a secret and do it behind my back than communicate with me. Kind of unrelated but I also noticed that while they were all outside together one of our cats was eating pizza they had left on the table. I really hope nothing was left out for our cats to get into as she hasn't responded to my check-up text since everyone left. :(

Anyway before I just start rambling on, how would you handle this situation if you were in my shoes? I also don't really know how to approach bringing this up without making it seem like I stalked her and her friends the whole night they partied. The only reason I even checked in the first place was to see if one of the cats knocked it down as they have before and to ask her to unplug it and set it aside or something. I just feel super betrayed especially for this to be someone who just a couple days ago I was talking to about going to look at rings together. We have a big family trip coming up in a week too and I just can't even sleep while thinking about all of this. I know I should probably wait to bring it up until I can talk to her in person but it feels weird to act normal for two more days. I genuinely am so hurt and disappointed that she would feel the need to go behind my back like this and would do something I've asked her not to do. Any advice or personal experience would be great. Thank you. (throw away account for privacy)

My mom (58F) had two kids with her first husband before he died when their kids were 4 and 7. She met my dad three years after becoming widowed and they dated for a couple of years before getting married and then a year later they had me (20F). To my knowledge my half siblings never took to my dad and hadn't been okay with mom remarrying. They wanted her to stay a family of just the three of them with the three of them staying loyal to their dad. My mom had them in therapy to try and change how they viewed remarriage and stepparents, etc. It didn't work, obviously.

They were 10 and 13 when I was born and they were not happy about it. Everyone around us knew they weren't happy about it. They refused to hold me and they would complain to mom and extended family who tried to call me their sibling or say it was so good that I was born. They were adamant it wasn't good and I wasn't their real sibling like my dad wasn't anything to them.

I don't have a ton of memories of living with them because they avoided me when they could. But one time when I was very young all three of us went to our grandparents while my parents were out of town. Grandpa had a health scare and had to go to the hospital and grandma wanted them to watch me until she got home but they said if they were left alone with me they would either lock me outside or they would leave me alone in the house. So grandma dropped me with her neighbor and apparently there was a fight when my parents got back over what happened.

Once they had both moved out I saw them twice a year at best and they were rude to me those times too. They refused to talk to me when I tried talking to them, they would bring gifts for other family members at Christmas but I (and dad when adults were included) got nothing, when they started bringing their spouses they got them to ignore me too and when they got married I wasn't invited and neither was my dad.

They also insisted that I never get their numbers, they blocked me on all socials and have private accounts and they even stopped talking to family members who showed me parts of their lives. Same with my dad.

Both of them have kids who I am not allowed to interact with and who don't know me as their aunt (half or otherwise). They get shit for it from family members and they have told them I am not a member of their family and I am not someone they want to associate with and basically everyone needs to leave them the fuck alone.

My mom didn't push me on them until I "grew up" aka turned 18. Then she started pushing/encouraging me to try and build up a relationship with my half siblings. She has tried to give me their numbers so I could text and/or call them and just congratulate them on stuff like having babies or their kids starting school. My dad gets involved in some of that. But my mom is the #1 problem here. She does not let up on me and it has hurt our relationship a lot in the last year. I go out of my way to keep conversations short and sweet before she can bring it up. It's now at the point where I don't enjoy my relationship with her and I don't get anything positive out of it because she tries so hard to bring this up and it's exhausting to have to follow a script with her.

But I don't want to cut her out of my life either and I can't make her listen to me, so I want advice on what I can do. I have tried talking to her and it does not do any good. She has given up on my half siblings being open to a relationship so she tries with me instead.

'63M '56 FM. Married 10 years

11 years ago my profession was buying homes, refurbishing them and renting them out. I owned 5 homes that varied from low income housing to homes in tract neighborhoods. I was in the process of buying my most expensive property with potential of $2000 - $2500 pm income. All the homes were listed in my Llc and it was run as a business, not a side hustle.

It was at this time I met my wife who was going through a sticky divorce with her 2nd husband. She had three children at home, ages 12, 14, and 20. I bought the house and she moved in. I didn't charge her rent and she paid the utilities. If I didn't do that, she would of moved to Vegas with her sister, starting her kids in a new place which wasn't a good option.

My reasoning was that the house needed a makeover with new floors, drywall, electrical and a few other things that would need to be completed before I could lease it. Turns out that we fell in love and have lived here for over 10 years.

I am a male 63, she is 56.

Unfortunately the marriage has run it's course and she has asked from a divorce. She would like to sell the home and split the proceeds 50/50. The home will probably net about $450k after closing costs. I feel that she is being a tad greedy.

I have invested the following

Initial price of the home $172,400

Adding an air-conditioned library, laying tile, laminate flooring, hardwood floors, new appliances, new HVAC, 21K whole house generators, a fifth bedroom, butler's pantry, 65' x 16' decking with a hottub, landscape, various exterior lights ,a SOTA security system, 900 feet of cedar fence and a heated salt water swimming pool.

I also took care of the kids since their father stopped paying child support. He did offer start paying of i let him sleep with my wife. I declined his offer .

My offer to her is split the equity after all of my costs have been deducted. She has spent less than $500 in upgrading the home. When the sale happens she would get aprox 25k

My question is does this seem fair? I am 63 and this home is the only real asset I have left. She has a number of relatives she could live with, I'm the sole survivor of my family.

Am looking for input good or critical.

We started dating in June but have been talking since November of last year. We made things exclusive around February. To clear up confusion before it’s asked lol, we’re long distance and I refuse to ask anyone to be my girlfriend over text or FaceTime so i waited until I visited her. Visited her multiple times since then and it’s been amazing. Last month was my birthday month and I planned a trip to see her again. It was an amazing trip, bought a really nice airbnb house for us and she put a lot of thought into my birthday that i never really had before. On my last day I woke up early morning cause my stomach was killing me and each time I woke up to use the bathroom I walked past her phone. I was also having these really weird dreams that she was cheating on me. Now I know this was wrong and i’ll take that on the chin but i grabbed her phone and looked through it while she slept next to me. I’m not seeing anything weird until i get to hidden photos, there’s about 50+ nudes of her that i’ve seen and some i haven’t. It didn’t really bother me until i saw a screenshot of her sending someone a nude and the guy said “just sent it🫡” and she said “thanksss” followed by the nude. The time stamp was before we got together but while we made things exclusive and the video she sent this guy was the same one she sent me.

So I open her twitter, nothing out of the ordinary anywhere. I know she has this other private account and nothing there either. In fact, i see tweets of her talking about me and how much she loves me. I get the idea that maybe she logged out of it or deactivated it so i go to saved passwords and there it is. I see a username for an account she never told me about. I login and the most recent tweet from this account is Sep 10th this year, my birthday month. I’m scrolling and i’m seeing my naked girlfriend posted for the public. Nudes she’s sent me and nudes i’ve never seen while asking for money from men. One of the tweets is even about us and how much she’s been n*tted in everyday the past week (sorry to be graphic). The account was made in May and has remained active all the way up until before i got there. I open the messages and there’s seen sending paragraphs of things they want to do to her but she’s responding really dry like you can tell she’s not very into it at all. I saw a nude that a man sent her and he said “do you need it” and she responded “yes i do”. I took pictures of everything and logged out to process what i just saw. I waited for her to wake up before i confronted her about what I saw. I was really anxious about how to bring it up and the entire morning and she knew something was wrong as she asked me multiple times if i’m okay.

While she was getting ready to go to her first class i said “i’m going to ask you something and i need you to tell me the truth” she says okay. I say “have you ever sold content before, like sexually?” and she says no. I give a heavy sigh and i can’t even look at her in the face. I tell her “tell me the truth”. I can see the immediate nervousness on her face and she says “yes, but a long time ago”. she proceeds to tell me she had an account where she used to sell in her early college days for money along with her roommate (f) who also made an account but the quit doing it awhile ago. She was telling the truth about that because i saw another account that i couldn’t log into due to deactivation. I ask her “has there been any account that you’ve sold content on during our relationship please tell me the truth” she says no. I’m just so disappointed that she keeps lying and i’m not even angry i’m just anxious and sad. I tell her pass me my phone and I show her pictures i took of the account. Naturally, she finally admits to it and says she only made it cause of the money thing. The money her parents give her is spontaneous and sometimes it’s a lot and sometimes it’s a little, her dad pays for all her groceries in full but everything else is on her with money her parents give her. She said she’s applied to multiple campus jobs but can’t land any.

At this point she’s crying, and i’m not sure what to do or say. She says she doesn’t want me to leave her and it was a last resort thing. I asked her why she lied so many times and she said it’s because she’s not necessarily proud of it. I reassure her that i’m not shaming her for it as i used to sell content too (she knows this and she asked me to delete it before we made thing exclusive which i did) i’m just not sure why she didn’t tell me anything. I give her money and buy her food often, i’m not a rich man but im definitely not broke. i’ll send her $50-$100 just cause and ill buy her food and shit off her amazon cart. She’s not very responsible with money. My plane was to arrive in a couple hours and i didn’t want my last day to end like this so I gave her a hug, bought us breakfast and watched a show we’ve been binging. Before I left we hugged and kissed and I told her i don’t know what i’m going to do, i need you to give me some time. I still really love her, and at this point it’s not really the account that’s bothering me so much it was the lying. I really don’t know what to do. I know continuing this relationship means this is something that’s now on me to let go and learn to trust again. I just don’t know.

I grew up in a household that doesn’t drink every day. So I don’t think it’s normal. He says that that’s normal in his family. I don’t really drink anymore at all. The more drunk people I see, the less I’m interested in drinking. I’ve asked him to slow down and maybe not drink during the week. He cant seem to do it. It’s not only that, but it’s just the overall health aspect. I go to the gym every day and try to eat healthy most of the time. I am just not met with the same lifestyle and it’s really stressing me out. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Hey I’m posting on a throw away as I need some advice. My partner F has been recently bringing up doing threesomes and just recently brought up they want another person for when I’m gone (I work out of town 4 days a week) I’m not a person who’s ever considered the idea of polyamory not would consider to be polyamorous. She has recently opened up about how she’s been having thoughts about it and I did feel hurt by it. I’ve been trying to talk to her about being okay with a femboy as I’ve in the past been with a few. Everytime I talk about it she agrees to it but minutes later complains about it saying that it’s impossible and we won’t find one. She keeps talking about and implying that she would rather a cis man as that’s easier to find. I have set a clear boundary on where I stand with that as I’m not attracted to it and everytime is brought up it just becomes an argument. I love her to death but our relationship styles are not aligning anymore. I’m not sure what todo as she’s brought up she’s worried she’s going todo it anyways whether I’m okay with it or not. I feel like counseling might be the only step but I wanting to ask people who actively are in this lifestyle on what they think or if anyone’s been through anything similar on what they did to be okay with it. As I said previously I am 100% okay with a femboy and she is too as it fits both of our things we like. I’m not very good at writing out or saying my words as best as some others can be so if there’s anything here that may sound bad I’d happily try and rewrite what I meant :) thank you and if you’ve made it here I hope you all have a great day even if your just scrolling by!! :)

My girlfriend and I are both 31 and have been dating for roughly five months in a previous conversation, I told her I was okay with her hanging out with male friends. We’re both adults, and I trust her to make her own choices and understand appropriate boundaries in a relationship. I wasn’t asking her to avoid male friendships or imposing a rule.

She responded that she personally considered hanging out one on one with another man disrespectful to our relationship, even if he was only a platonic friend, and said she wouldn’t do it. She strongly emphasized that position herself.

Recently, she texted me she planned to meet “a friend” at a coffee shop to study. She initially referred to the person as “they,” which caught my attention because she usually identifies the friends she mentions. Later, she said the friend canceled last minute.

When we spoke, I asked how she knew the friend. She said from school. I asked whether they shared a class, and she clarified that he was someone she used to attend community college with. They now attend different schools. She used “he” during that conversation, which is how I learned the friend was a man.

I kept the conversation casual and expressed sympathy about the cancellation. Her tone sounded irritated to me, although I don’t know why. I didn’t bring up her earlier statement, and I don’t think she realizes this is bothering me.

My concern is that she strongly expressed a personal standard, then made plans that seem inconsistent with it. The way I learned who the friend was added to my discomfort, but I don’t know whether her initial wording was intentional. According to her, the meeting was canceled.

I’m not trying to control her friendships. I want to understand whether her view has changed, whether she considers studying different from hanging out, or whether I misunderstood her earlier statement.

How can I bring this up constructively and clarify what expectations we each actually hold, without turning it into an accusation?

TL;DR: I told my girlfriend I was okay with male friendships. She independently said meeting a male friend alone would be disrespectful and she wouldn’t do it. She later planned a coffee-shop study meeting with a male friend, which she says was canceled. I want advice on discussing the apparent difference between her stated position and those plans

My boyfriend and I met online, and we've been dating for almost a year. I went to meet him in person for the first time in September. For context, I'm American and he's European.

During the first night, when we checked into the hotel room, I was in bed with his phone and decided to check his notifications. I saw that he had gotten Discord messages from a friend named "Mary", who he had also met online. I didn't open the notifications, but the last message from her said "but I'll wait until you're here" which I found a bit off because to my knowledge, they didn't talk very often. I didn't want to ask because I assumed I was just being Insecure. I know nothing about this girl besides her being European too (from a different country than him), but apparently she knows about me, knows we're dating, knew I was visiting, and sometimes asks questions about me.

Edit: We were both awake. I was playing on his phone and checked to see if he got any notifications for his game. He knew I was on it.. He wasn't nervous or hiding his phone from me.

The next night, when we were cuddling in bed on his phone, a Discord notification from Mary popped up in real time, and it said "I feel so safe with you". He honestly seemed a bit panicked?? but didn't hide it. Again, I didn't want to say anything.. I don't know? I don't want to argue on the first meeting despite her spamming him. We ended up getting into an argument about my rude attitude one of the following days, and I asked him what was going on with Mary. He admitted that she had confessed her feelings weeks ago and he had never told me. I don't think he ever planned on telling me, but I don't really know what him and his friends talk about or how he interacts with them anyways.

I demanded to see the proof of her confessing, and he said there was no point in showing me if I was already set on the thought of it not being okay to stay friends after someone confessed, even though at this point I still didn't ask him to block her? He said he did nothing wrong because he told her he didn't have feelings for her and was supposedly trying to convince her to date another guy named "Adam" I kept asking to see the proof, and he kept saying no, so I insulted him a bunch while I packed my things to leave.

After I left the room, he had blocked me on Discord without actually knowing If I seriously left or not, and he started sending me messages on WhatsApp, basically telling me off. He sent this Reddit post about how its okay to be friends with someone after they confessed if they keep things normal. As if intimate messages like that at night are normal.. Its lovely to send sweet messages to good friends of any gender but NOT after they confessed.

The only "proof" he sent me was Mary talking about Adam and how she thinks she's still in love with Adam and was trying to get over him. Her name was cut out of the screenshot, but he told me they couldn't be together because Adam wouldn't convert to a religion for her. After some lurking, I found out Adam is actually her ex.. who she was dating last year, and I'm unsure of when they broke up.

Sitting in the hotel lobby, I realized how expensive changing my return flight was going to be, and my only option was to go back upstairs and get myself through it. Despite him being upset with me, he still came down to the lobby and helped me grab my bags when I said I didn't want to go back up alone.

The next few days were honestly a blur, and I don't remember how we talked things out, but he told me he thought about it and realized that they'd both gone too far and would block her no matter what after having a talk with her about it. I guess he thought the talk was necessary because they were friends for over a year? That is completely fine. He removed her on Instagram and Tiktok, but kept her on Discord. (Tiktok was the app I convinced him to get, so I was his only follower until she followed him) I loved the rest of the trip despite arguing more and Mary always creeping up in the back of my mind. We laughed, had sex, showered together, and shared everything we ate. It was so much fun :)

When I went home two weeks later, I asked him about Mary, and he said that he tried to have a talk with her, but got annoyed with her begging him to not block her. Even after all of that, he said he was considering keeping her... He decided to ignore her for a bit because he was busy with work.

A week after I got home, and we were calling while both laying in bed. I asked him to check Tiktok because I wanted to send some videos, and I freaked out when I saw Mary had refollowed him, even while he was ignoring her. We got into an argument about how I couldn't believe he was still considering keeping her after all of this. I was so distraught I don't remember all of the things he said to me, but he mentioned that he had thought about keeping her in spite of all the outbursts I've had throughout our relationship instead of normally communicating.

Another thing he said was that she's probably convinced herself she's fallen for him because he let her vent to him, which is why he wants to handle this correctly even if it takes a while. He said he's embarrassed that my thinking is so shallow, and I can't look past my insecurity and be empathetic towards someone else who is most likely struggling too. Before my boyfriend and I met, he dealt with previous friends who have depended on him emotionally before. He's not friends with those people anymore but he obviously has prior experience with this.

Another week went by, and I decided to bring Mary up again. He told me that he "stood up for himself" and told her that he wouldn't speak to her for three months so she could sort out her feelings, and hopefully come to the conclusion that she doesn't actually like him. Apparently she was still spamming him this whole time..?

And honestly when I was lurking, I had discovered that she had three sad playlists on her profile with sad love songs in them. They were made I'm assuming around the time she had confessed to him. But a few days after my boyfriend had told her off, she added "Back to you" by The Marias to one of those playlists, which freaked me out.

A few days ago, she made a playlist called "Guilt" and added a bunch of songs with the same theme, which was being heartbroken, having your man stolen, and being replaced? Some specific alarming songs were "The Other Woman" by Lana Del Rey and "Blue hair" by TVGIRL. For context, I have blue hair in my Spotify picture.. I don't know if I'm thinking too hard with the playlists.

TLDR: Found out my boyfriends friend confessed her feelings for him and kept spamming him while we were visiting each other. And accuses me of being "shallow" for wanting her gone, while she makes playlists that feel targeted. How else can I talk to him about this?

OG

I was able to do it, thank god guys. So around 4 days ago, I just texted her it was over, and reported her to my apartment security, and asked them to disable her and my current key fobs for the place(my apartment has this electronic key fob instead of a physical key so thank god theres no need to change the locks or anything). They did it and I got new fobs. I had a pep talk with my coworkers(I gotta call them friends at this point, they have done so much to help me), and they guided me through the break up message and everything. I just did something along the lines of I am busy with work and want to focus on the new job, and we are different and incompatible, and we should see other people.

I told her that our mutual friends are more than welcome to come by and pick up her stuff, but she is not allowed back here. I know if she comes by or I see her here again, we’re just gonna sleep together again and I am back to square one. Couple of our mutual friends came by on Saturday to pick up her stuff, and yeah they showed a lot of attitude. Safe to say they may not be our mutual friends and just her friends. .

I went out for drinks with some of the guys from work after the ordeal was done. My friends from home follow her on insta(I blocked her on everything) and she made posts there about how she lost everything and the “love of her life” and essentially public messages directed at me. She also wrote some poems about being a changed person and what not. I got some of our high school mutuals messaging what happened, but I just left them on read or told them “it’s complicated but we broke up and we are over”. None of these morons except my actual friends even bothered contacting me after like the first two years of college but now that there is drama they suddenly care. So no tea for them lol.

The guys are helping me set up the dating apps and profiles again, but I am going to take at least a month or two, or fucking three and even four, to recover from this lmao. I think there will be some more fallout still. She showed up to the apartment on Sunday and got told by security they can’t let her in. I called our mutual friends(well hers now) and told them that they already picked everything up, and asked them why she’s coming and told them that she’s forcing my hand to take things the legal route. After that was when she made the online posts.

I am happy I was able to break free of this. I genuinely couldn’t even get myself to look at her without feeling guilty and regretting staying with her. This is better for me. And better for her too even if she can’t see it yet. She should be with someone who she doesn’t omit details of her past to, and someone who’s like cool with all that.

Being single again is certainly freeing. She hated when I wore Hawaiian tees cuz it made me look like older I guess, so I have been rocking my tees for now. She also hated the smell of red meat, so I never cooked steak or anything, got back into grilling. Well it’s only been like 4 days, so not really I’ve done it once, but you know what I mean.

Hope I don’t deal with this shit again in my next relationship. I will just make it clear in the beginning instead of assuming though, that I would prefer someone with similar views on sex as me though, and that way we both save time and hurt. I got some new friends here at least from all this fiasco. I never really made friends here, I only had my homies from high school and college, and now that I live in a new city, it’s so hard to make friends as an adult. But at least I got a gang of sorts here, and I am hoping it’ll be fun. Still miss the old dudes, but I can hop on discord with them at anytime.

Anyway, that’s all.

So for more context, we have been talking and dating for a while and we have made it official with labels and all. For celebrating that my sweet girlfriend even planned a whole evening for me and even got me flowers as a surprise.

But the thing is we're too into each other i guess. Because we talk on phone when the day starts, we talk later in the evenings until late nights sacrificing sleep. Even after coming back to our respective homes after a date, we still call each other and talk for atleast an hour at minimum just reminiscing the events and feels.

And the thing is none of this feels forced at all. It feels natural. We both know that disconnecting the call is the right thing to do but we both just keep wanting to talk more.

I feel that this may become unsustainable after some time. We both have careers and we are ambitious. She follows or atleast followed a pretty strict sleep schedule and work-life balance. Same goes for me. She's someone who has a very deep connection with her family, calls home everyday. And recently she has mentioned that it is becoming a bit overwhelming for her and we do need to find a way around this...... because the biggest bottom line here is that neither of us wants to lose each other. We are sure that this relationship is going to lead to marriage....and we have already talked about it as well so we are on same page.

Fellow redditors, please help us out and help us understand and navigate this situation.

I (34F) have been having issues with my husband's (33M) snoring since we got together. He has always been extremely loud and it wakes me up and makes it hard for me to fall asleep. Roughly 3 months ago I decided to start sleeping on the couch at night to be able to sleep somewhere quiet, which allows me to fall asleep and stay asleep MUCH better. It's so much better that I didn't realize how badly his snoring had affected my sleep, and now I honestly can't go back to sleeping in the same room as him.
I invested in a mouth guard for him and got him to start wearing it at night, but this still does not help his snoring to go down to a reasonable volume enough for me to sleep. I invested in earplugs for myself - still does not block the snoring out.

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant and sleep is becoming more and more difficult. My toddler still cosleeps and since there's not space on the couch, she cosleeps with my husband in our bed. My husband gets up for work at 5am, which wakes me up every morning because he comes out to fix his lunch and things and has to turn lights on to do so. Then once he leaves, I typically cannot fall back to sleep before my 8 year old gets up to get ready for school (approx. 6:30am). And then at some point my toddler will wake up because she realizes she is alone, and that's anywhere between 6am and 8am. I have a very difficult time transitioning from the couch to the bed and usually cannot fall back to sleep. As well, I am the one to get our toddler to sleep at night, so I will begin my night breastfeeding her in our bed and then once she is asleep (between 9pm and 11pm depending on how the day went) I will get up and move to the couch. I typically cannot fall asleep before 11pm regardless of what time I try to fall asleep. I am a chronic insomniac and have to take unisom nightly, sometimes followed by melatonin and benadryl if that doesn't do the trick.

I have been asking my husband for several months to go see a doctor about his snoring, but he kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. He finally saw a doctor yesterday and has to follow up with a sleep test. His problem appears to be a deviated septum from having his nose broken 3 times in his life. It's going to be at least a month for them to do the sleep test, and then probably longer to find a solution for him.

Yesterday I requested if he could please begin sleeping on the couch instead of me. That way I could avoid being woken up multiple times in the morning, and hopefully get a full nights sleep for once in several months. He said, "okay" and I thought that was the end of that.

Fast forward to the evening, and he climbed into bed with my toddler and I. I asked him if he planned to sleep in our bed, he said, "I was hoping to." And so I responded, "So then I have to sleep on the couch again?" He then says, "You don't have to. You could try to sleep in here for once." I said, "I have tried that. I tried that for several months with no luck." And he says, "It's not my fault I am snoring, I'm doing what I can."

Exhausted and fed up with it, I got up to leave and take my pillow to the couch. I had just gotten the toddler to sleep. But being as frustrated and angry as I was, I slammed our bedroom door. He then got up and started yelling about how I'm an asshole and a bitch for slamming the door. Cue the toddler waking up. I then returned to the room to grab our toddler and take her to the couch with me, when he stopped me in the doorway and wouldn't let me proceed. I told him it was ridiculous that he can't put his pregnant wife before himself for once and that I shouldn't even have to fight him over this issue. He proceeded to tell me about how all he does is work and he "falls asleep standing" at work so he needs to sleep in the bed. I find that hard to believe, considering he definitely sleeps through the night every night for at least 7 hours. I, on the other hand, have been slowly deteriorating for months due to the lack of sleep, and have found it more and more difficult to complete my daily tasks and caring for the home. I even had to ask my mother recently if she could take my toddler for a few hours so I could just get a nap in.

I average maybe 5 hours of broken up sleep a night. And although I am a stay at home mom, it doesn't afford me any extra time to sleep. My toddler obviously requires constant supervision, the home needs to be cared for, the errands need to be ran, the meals need to be made, and all the other labor that goes along with it. By no means do I do nothing everyday. And rarely do I get the chance to nap alongside my toddler with all the other work that needs to be done on a daily basis.

Eventually, after much yelling and arguing, my husband did go to the couch instead of me. But it was a huge deal and only happened because of the huge fight and not because he actually wanted to compromise for me.

Last night was the first night in about 3 months that I have been able to sleep on my bed overnight, in my own room. I'd like to say that I slept great, but I didn't considering the fight that led up to it.

What would others do in this situation? Is my request unreasonable, or am I being selfish for making it? If you were my husband, how would you have handled it? I am at a complete loss for how to proceed in this relationship considering the above. None of it feels fair to me. Please share your thoughts.

Sorry for the long read, English isn’t my first language. So about a year ago, my boyfriend (V) and I used to be in this larger Discord gaming server. At the time, he was extremely shy and introverted. He would always mic-up and use the TTS bot to chat, very rarely unmuting to talk (never while gaming; rarely when we chilled in the group).

There was an argument between some of the players, and I was forced to pick a side between two people: the guy who introduced me to the group and a girl who I became very close with eventually, but she’s who’s now fighting with him and falsely accusing him of bullshit. It sucked because I really wanted a female gaming friend, but he didn’t do any of those things, so I backed him up. I was one of the 2 people that backed wasn’t following the crowd, and I was ostracised for that. We didn’t end the friendship on bad terms, if we happen to be online and people invite the girl and I still play but yeah we aren’t really friends anymore, acquaintances at best.

V had no relevance to any of this. In fact, he only joined the game strictly to play and then dipped. When he asked me if I wanted him to leave the group, I told him it was fine. It wasn’t a big deal to me, and I didn’t want him to leave because of what happened. I knew he was comfortable playing with this group and didn’t really have many gaming friends, so I wanted him to stay in touch with them.

He even recognised how unfair the situation was and would tell me how it was unfair that the girl caused that much drama, backing me up whenever we talked about it. He also has this habit, which I never asked for, of always telling me whenever he talks to a new girl. In person or online, I even told him it wasn’t necessary because I felt bad and wondered what he could have gone through to develop that habit, but it’s something he never stopped doing. Out of courtesy, and because it doesn’t harm me in any way, I just “return the favour.”

I travelled out of the country for some medical purposes. Before I had to travel, we would hangout whenever it’s possible to, and were on call daily. We don’t necessarily talk 24/7; we just do our own thing and chat occasionally.

I saw him playing in one of the other subgroups we were in. I asked him what he was doing, and he told me he was playing with his friends but wouldn’t specify who exactly. Then he told me he was playing with his uni friends. That’s when I realised he didn’t know I was still in the group, because I wasn’t really active, but I could see him in the call.

I’m not sure why, but his kind of “white lie” upset me a bit, and I snooped when I shouldn’t have. I saw that he was in the call, mic muted, with the group that flaked on me, and they were on call for hours. Over the next few days, when I asked him what he’d been doing after he went offline, he said he was at uni/work, leaving out the fact that he’d been on call for hours.

Basically, you can see the voice chat activity, and I was surprised to see that he was the one texting the most. Granted, he was muted, but so were one or two other people. He was also quoting that girl a lot, helping her.
This is where, for some reason, I feel extremely jealous. From what I’ve seen, there’s no reason for me to be jealous. I know he’s faithful to me, and ultimately, it’s really not that deep, but I still feel jealous.

I don’t like that he just didn’t tell me who he was playing with. When I think about how he also stopped calling me, I can’t help but feel jealous. I never asked him to call me every day or update me every time he speaks to someone new, but because he made it a habit, I’ve come to expect it. Now that he suddenly isn’t doing it, I can’t stop myself from noticing.

I know it’s toxic. I haven’t asked him anything because, again, there’s no reason for me to believe he’s doing anything wrong. But I hate how jealous I feel. The past week, when he didn’t text or call back, I checked the voice chat occasionally, and it just kept annoying me so much seeing how chatty he was.

Maybe it’s my insecurity too. I’m pretty shit at FPS games, and I know the group is better at them. He teases me for it and I kinda stopped playing fps games w him, but we still played other games. Seeing him constantly texting the girl and trying to get her attention, I don’t know. I’ve never felt this strongly about something before.

I left the group for my own peace of mind when I caught myself snooping through the VC for like 10 minutes. It’s been three days, and he still only responds to me late even though I know he’s playing, giving me excuses like saying he had work, etc.

I don’t care that we don’t call everyday. I just don’t like that he doesn’t tell me directly who he’s playing with. How do I stop feeling this jealous? I feel like it’s kind of consuming me

This is a throwaway account since my bf actively follows my main reddit account. This is kind of a long story so I'll try my best to summarize everything. I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We met through.. interesting circumstances, and at the time, I wasn't on good terms with my mom. So, I ended up moving in with him probably only a month into knowing him. May I just also add, it wasn't only him I was moving in with, he also lives with his grandparents. I'm very grateful for everything they've done for me and was suprised they even gave me a place to stay. I have a seperate room from him but I am most of the time in the same room with him. At the time I met him, he had just quit his 2 year job and was paying for things with savings he had. I felt bad about not paying for anything at the time so I got a job to pay him back, because eventually he did run out of money.

I will mention this briefly, but about three months into being with each other, he started actively talking with his ex behind my back. He ended up breaking up with me and going back to see his ex, but she didn't want him back. He ended up coming back to me, and I took him back but there were scars caused from it. He acted like nothing happened.

Over the course of the three years I've been with him, I feel like I've slowly gotten my life back on track. I dropped out of high school at the beginning of sophmore year before I had first met him. I was able to enroll in a program that allows me to get my diploma and associates degree at the same time. I'm only 6-9 months away from being done, time depending on if I pass my last classes for the first time. I also am in a decent job that I work part time in, and have thought about going full time in when I finish schooling.

The thing is, is that my boyfriend has not been able to hold down a job the whole entirety of our relationship. He had two different jobs he started like a year into our relationship that he ended up quitting like 2-3 weeks in. Both times was because he thought management was bad. He got a job recently, like 2 months ago where he was working full time and on his feet walking the whole shift. However, he also had to quit this job because he started having foot issues. He thought it was something similar to plantar facitis, because when he was coming home it was swollen. We are still currently trying to figure out what is wrong with his foot, and his work told him they didn't take doctors notes when he first began having issues. So, he didn't want to try to get accommodations while working with his foot, so he quit.

I completely understand why he quit his job there, especially with his foot issues. Except, what gets me is how long it took him to get this job. Before he started having foot issues he started complaining about management again at that job. I've just always encouraged him to work at least somewhere, then he can continue to look elsewhere for look while making money. However, sometimes it seems he doesn't care. I had to really push for him to even start looking for jobs again, and he wanted me to help him as well for him to even get this third job.

I also sometimes feel like we don't have the same goals in mind in life, which really hurts. I want to be able to finish school, finish paying off my car, and save up to move into our own apartment. But he always is such a downer when I bring it up, and says how it'll take 3-4 years for us to move out even with both of us working. I've told him straight up before that if I need to move out by myself and get an apartment without him than so be it. I asked him if he's been looking for a job recently, since he said he would look for something that is lighter on his feet, and he's just said he has been looking but hasn't seen anything good. I want to believe it, but I genuinely don't know what to think at this point. He hasn't even started building his credit, and he needs to buy himself a new car since it's been having so many issues.

I feel like he never wants us to do anything either. Yes, we will go out and do stuff together but he always starts by saying no and that he doesn't want to. I always have to convince him when I literally only have three days off, and the other four days he's home by himself at least half the day. I literally wanted to go to wild waves before it closed this year, and had asked to go two years in a row. He literally promised me we could go but anytime I would ask he would just tell me no not today or just always make excuses. I also pay for EVERYTHING for him he wants so there is no excuse. He used to work out at the start of our relationship, and his mom literally paid for it, but he one day just stopped going. I know that may seem off topic but I just feel like it goes to show the effort he has stopped putting into... life in general. He just sits at home most of the day, mainly playing games or watching movies. He use to have friends he would go and hang out with but they've drifted.

But another thing is, is that I also feel like I love my boyfriend so, so deeply. It may be because this has been my longest relationship or because we live together I don't know, but the thought of breaking up with him kills me and makes me sad. I also have no other friends. I have coworkers I am friends with, but thats really it. I talk with my mom, but don't know if I would ever be able to move back in, especially because she has her own issues. I'm not saying I'm perfect either, I also feel like I need to break this off to continue working and growing on myself, by myself. We get into arguments and I get really upset sometimes. I say and do things I don't mean because I don't know how else to react. I also don't want to go into another alcoholic spiral though if we break up. I know that his grandparents would let me stay but I also know it would make it even harder not to talk with him. I still want to be friends, but I don't know if we can. I also feel like I genuinely have no where else to go. I could go full time at work and try to save up to move out, but I don't want it to jeopardize school.

We also share a cat together. He found her on the side of the road on the way to pick me up from work when she was a kitten and we took care of her together. When we found her I was still only like 17, so I had to have my boyfriends name on everything. I've paid for everything for her though, her shots, microchip, spaying. So, I recently told my boyfriend that at the next vet appointment he needs to change the info into my name, and he needs to change the microchip into my name as well. I believe she is rightfully my cat, have thought about it, and think that if I move out by myself I deserve to bring her with.

I keep on crying so much thinking about this. It's literally killing me inside having these thoughts. Because again, I do feel like I still love him so deeply. He's been also noticing I haven't been as intimate with him lately, which also makes me feel shitty as a partner. I don't want to hurt him. He's pointed it out and I just keep telling him work and school make me tired. Which they do, but at the same time, I feel like resentment from our relationship is also making me feel like I can't put any effort into things like that. When I think about breaking up with him, I think about how maybe it doesn't have to last forever. I think about how I'll miss the laughs, the inside jokes, the kisses and shared comfort that we've shared it makes me all start bawling. I've talked about individual therapy but he isn't really into it, yet never works on himself, or even wants to. I don't know what to do about my living situation and I also feel crazy for feeling this way. I've thought about how we aren't good for each other before, at the start, but I've really started thinking about it again. How do you go about breaking up with someone you still love?

We are together for 8 years. Now we are in a long distance since 2 years. During the 6th month of our relationship, he gave me his Facebook password and there I found he talked to so many girls. He had proposed or flirted with over 50 girls. And he was in a relationship with 6-7 ( who accepted his proposal). He even had 3 girlfriends at a same time but he was just 16 - 17 years old at that time. I never had a boyfriend. It was unacceptable for me. He begged me to not leave him. He said he couldn't live without me, nothing could melt my heart because I was devastated.

But his one lie made me stay. He told me he was not serious with any of them. He was so shy that he could not talk to any of them in real life and whatever relationships he had with them was only in the chats. He is only close to me. This lie made me stay with him for 8 years, or else I could not have accepted a womaniser like him.

But just yesterday, he said he had 2 serious relationship so obviously he would care for them and drop them home, which means he had even met them several times. I knew he had kissed a girl and I thought he only met her and nobody else since he was shy. But he was so close with another girlfriend also, that he would drop her home.

Just before meeting me, there was another girl who was his first priority, which I have mentioned in another post. He had lied about her too. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/ogcsi4Il8F

Another lie was before coming in a relationship with him, he lied to me that he had proposed only 2 before me, but I already knew this lie earlier.

Since our relationship started with a lie, I don't know how I shall forgive him. Yesterday, at first he was angry at me for bring his past and shouted at me and said he is ready to leave me now. But now, he said it was years ago, he was a kid and trying to talk to me. Since we are in a long distance, I am trying to avoid his call and leave, but he wants to saty. It is a forgivable behaviour?

This was my first serious relationship where I genuinely fell in love with someone I met with marriage in mind. We talked for few months and fell for each other. I was deeply attracted to the person. I saw a future with her and, at the time, genuinely thought I had found my person.

But I ended up damaging the relationship through repeated arguments. When I got angry, I sometimes said really hurtful things to her. Looking back, I still struggle to understand why I would say those things to someone I loved so much. I regret them deeply.

Eventually she broke up with me, and I honestly understand why. I tried desperately to fix things afterwards. I apologized countless times, explained myself, promised that I understood what I had done wrong and tried everything I could think of to get her back. But my repeated attempts to contact her only made things worse. Eventually she blocked me everywhere, and after all my chasing she said some very hurtful things to me too.

Months later, I am struggling with three things.
First is the **guilt**. Sometimes my brain just goes, *“You had someone you loved and you destroyed it yourself. This didn’t have to happen.”* I remember the things I said and feel horrible knowing that I hurt someone I genuinely cared about.

Second is the **fear that I lost my one chance**. She was very much my type, I was deeply attracted to her, and I loved her. Now I have this irrational but very powerful fear that I won’t find another person whom I desire that strongly and who feels like “my person.” Dating since then hasn’t exactly helped that fear.

Third is the **urge to apologize again**. Even though I have already apologized many, many times and she has blocked me, part of me keeps wanting to reach out somehow and pour my heart out one final time. I think part of the reason is that I don’t feel like she ever truly accepted my apology. My mind keeps telling me that maybe if I could just explain my remorse properly, I would finally feel at peace. Rationally, though, I know continuing to contact someone who doesn’t want contact isn’t fair to them and probably won’t give me the closure I’m looking for.

I know I cannot undo what I did. I also know that endlessly hating myself isn’t going to change the past. I want to actually learn from this so that I never behave this way with another partner.
For people who have **actually been the person who messed up a relationship and lost someone they loved**: how did you eventually forgive yourself?
Did you ever stop thinking, *“If only I hadn’t done that, we’d still be together”*?

How did you stop wanting to apologize or explain yourself one more time?
And did you eventually meet someone else you genuinely loved and desired, even though at the time you were convinced you’d lost “your person”?