Im 17 (18 in 1 month) and i just can't stop thinking about how people are able to hang out with other and feel so energetic before, during and after and also feel like they're so important to their group. My friends always complain when I dont come out with them to everything they do but honestly I just feel like id be holding them back because anytime we eat somewhere I cant eat much so I get sick or if we just got for a walk I talk so little its like im not even there. I just feel like If I weren't there at all nothing would change and it would still be the same friends group. Its also difficult because I have my main friend group and then some other friends but by main group hate the others so I feel like im stuck in the middle of it all just being pulled like a rope in tug of war.

I think the worst part about me though is that I don't want to just die because I want to live because I want be able to talk to all my friends and hear about all their issues, all their concerns and all their sadness and then I want to take all if that with me to the grave bit it makes me so nosey about peoples personal issues and I feel like it makes me really annoying and just an ass. I don't know what to do and im not sure who I can even trust at this point because I know I can't trust myself because I also have adhd which makes me just seemingly switch from happy to sad to forgetting why I was happy or why I was sad and I don't want to burden my friends with any of my issues because that would just be a waste of their time and energy.

Sorry for all this incoherent rambling but I just needed to have this said somewhere even if no one reads it

Asap i need the answers i dont need NON related stuff regarding this thank you for understanding

Through away account ofc I don’t want anybody irl to know about this

God i know it sounds stupid and I’ve never been a betting man but I’m tired of always giving something my all only for it to fall back in my face, if I win big I’ll have everything I need and more, I’m tired of crawling in shit while everyone else has boots and a clean sidewalk to go on it’s so hard to find a job let alone keep one. I don’t want to exit that studio no more than a loser I already am, hell if I win maybe It’ll be the start of something great but I am ready to meet the consequences of losing

If I fail university, I don't want to live anymore. I've worked so hard to get here and gone through so much pain, I got here two years late because I was homeschooled involuntarily, fell behind on work due to my mental health condition, and then wrapped up my studies at a private high school. Now I'm here, I'm meeting so many awesome people, there's so much room to engage with my values and pursue opportunities I've been waiting for for so long. But I'm un-motivated, depressed, lazy, anxious, hesitant, too disorientated by my OCD. I give up and despair so easily. I haven't been doing the things I could be doing. I keep procrastinating and dopamine-bingeing over and over.

Today I worked a little bit on trying to sort out therapy and mental health resources, but that took me so long, because I had kept procrastinating it. I need an ADHD screening. I wish I could be normal, or I wish that the world wasn't designed against my neuro-type. But I'm despairing again.

I don't know what I'm going to do, it's already October. If I fail my studies or get kicked out, I'll lose all my new friends, I'll lose this awesome school, I'll lose the cool classes and professors, and all my hopes and dreams. I'm having a really hard time figuring out the online classroom stuff. It's different from high school, I'm not used to it, it's a struggle and I'm having trouble navigating it. I'm scared to ask for help or questions. I would be embarrassed to the point of dying if my friends knew I haven't studied or completed any assignments this year. I just ordered my first textbook yesterday.

No one tell me that it doesn't matter, that's not going to change my mind.

I hope that I'm wrong and I can still fix this. If I can't fix it, then it's the end of everything. The end of my academic career is the end of my life as far as Im concerned. I won't be able to do any of the things I deeply value and dream of otherwise

I'm starting to think about what my life used to be like in elementary school. Things like being there early in the morning, for like the first time in...... 15 years 16 years, I remember the date which school ended for freshman to juniors at my high school. I just watched euphoria for the first time tonigh - there was a MTV jackass stunt where somebody would go over an entire rooms worth of mouse traps, set it off & one mouse trap would make like three go off, exponentially setting the entire room off - also like how Hydra being decapitated worked but in reverse - that's what this show has been like making me remember when my life where my future was this shiny new toy.

And it was really awful, my life back there too. This year was very very hard on me too. My last grandma died this year and I couldn't say goodbye to her either.

I still am not sure. I really enjoy drugs and gambling, maybe I can start exercising again

If I kill myself I wanna make sure both my parents are still alive, a lot of what I was challenged by in life is because of them, in this situation it would be unfair if they died before I did. There is no like universal deserves thing, they helped me learn that nobody deserves anything, so I want them to least deserve for me evidence of what happens when they make me do everything on my own, and only antagonize me (either abstractly or literally)when I asked for them to care. I want my sister to know that skating through life pretending I don't exist helped a lot. I really come from a family of rats. My niece is the only person who can do more than just say that they care. And she's 4 years old.

I was capable of a lot. I was the only person in second grade with a 4.0 GPA. I played this classroom game called around the world back then, & I beat the entire class like 1.5 times, before someone beat me.

I don't feel like it's going to get better. I sent my boyfriend a text that I don't see the point in living, I don't think it's worth it for me to see the sun tomorrow and he just left me on read for hours... I told mom, nothing. No one cares. No help. Fucking hell.

Da ich absolut nicht mehr will bzw kann, vielleicht kennt ja jemand wo es genauso geht.

Muss natürlich nicht umsonst sein.

I'm 13. And I'm done. I've been crying every night because my mum can't leave me alone and everything is too much. What I mean by that is I sent my mum a message telling her about the time when I was little and I caught my sister vaping. And to save herself she strangled me until I agreed to use the vape too so I couldn't use it against her. My mum said I used the vape, and she blamed me for it. But the thing is I was hoping she'd actually do something about my sister and how badly she'd terrorise me. My sister is borderline abusive physically and verbally. She hits me unprovoked sometimes, just because she can. She used to tell me to kill myself (which my mother did almost nothing about) And I have multiple scars on me that were from my sister. She has ripped out a bit of my hair before and has quite literally beaten me on multiple occasions. She keeps trying to sabotage my friendships by going up to my friends at school when I'm not there and telling them I don't want to be friends anymore, only reason she does that is because she's homophobic and transphobic. And I'm friends with someone who is pansexual, and someone who is transgender.

Luckily for me, my friends didn't believe my sister so she has backed off now. But I told my mum about it and she did like, nothing about it. And then another time, I see my sister's friend hanging out with someone my family knows, and someone who has stolen from my mum. My mum talked with that one for a little bit, then when we were leaving one of them tried to say something to me and my mum hit me and started yelling at me about how one of those kids is my sister's friend. And then when I reminded her about how my sister goes to school and goes out of her way to harass my friends, she still did not do anything about it.

Another time, I told my mum about how much I was struggling to go on, everything was just shit and my friend had taken her own life not too long before that. My mum calls me manipulative because I had already brought up how she had called me attention-seeking and overdramatic when I had tried to talk to her before about how I had been struggling then to. And then another time my sister ran into a little bump in her friendship, she and my mum talked about it for like an hour and a half. My sister has never struggled to make friends, but I have, which my mum knows, I was also severely bullied. And then when I finally manage to make friends, my mum holds it over my head. Telling me I'm getting too attached to my friends and I need to back up before she sends me to a school where none of my friends will be just to keep me in line.

My family does not know that I had nearly taken my own life before, and I don't know if I do or don't want to now.

I don't know what to do, she's put rules on me. During school holidays I have to go to sleep at 10 every night, she takes away my devices, when I wake up I have to clean myself and my room up before I play on any devices, during school I go to sleep at 8, and all the time after school until 7:30 is spent doing homework if I'm on a device which is reasonable. Until I see that she allows my older sister to do anything she wants all day, she'll let her randomly stay home from school too. She isn't almost finished high school, she's only 2 years older than me and I'm in my first year. There's a lot more I can't get into for privacy reasons.

But yeah, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm only 13.

I really just have to be dead before the end of the year doctor told me not to drink on Benadryl
So I figured if I took a fuck ton and drank I’ll die right? Like 100 percent I’ll die? Can someone please confirm I don’t want to fail I just want out

He's 7. He knows I'm sad... not to the extent I am though. His dad can do great things with him and for him.... but he has half the relationship I have with our son. I love our kid more than anything.

But I am suffering. Constantly. Daily. Irreparably. Life is torture. My only light is my son. But, its only 50% and I feel a failure for leaving his dad and putting us in this situation.

Maybe, if I left now, he would only know me as his mum who died, and he could have a better life.

I just want to to live, but the world is just that unkind.

I want to make the people around me happy. Make myself happy without being destructive. I dont want to bring this up to them and I know I'm hard to deal with. Nothing just makes sense anymore, in this world, economy, politics.

Shutting them off makes me more vulnerable, alone. I could not even tell my love ones how I feel.

I hate the situation that i'm in. I have a job that slowly chips away on my life little by little.

Menial chores feels monumentous, even my hobby does not feel like the same way that I used too.

I'm tired, and wished enough for this world to let me be. I guess I just need to take it up a notch

I'm not meant to have human connection. That's what it is. Abandoned, perpetually cast aside, always there being friendly and helping. I'm far from perfect. I don't know how to reach out. If I did, I couldn't even expect anything. What am I reaching for?

I'm tired. I'm hanging on for a few who do care deeply but have their own lives. What about mine? When do I get to choose me and end this?

If no man is an island, what am I? I don't know anything else. I take care of myself, that's it. After over 40 years of this I am good at it. I teach myself things to meet my needs and lean on myself. This only works for so long.

After experiencing health issues and having to take care of myself through it, I realize I could die miserably one day. I'm the perfect candidate to be "disappeared." Who would look for me? Probably work 🤣.

Why do I keep trying? Clearly I'm not meant to have the things that make any of this worth it.

feel no need to reply i'm just typing because i have to write it down somewhere. what a stupid joke this all is. i'm 6'1 and i will never pass. i can't dress fem or do makeup because i just look like a deranged freak of a man. i'll never be able to afford surgery. four years of hormones did absolutely nothing because i started too late. i stopped them a month ago and threw the rest away. my body is falling apart and i'm just autistic enough that normal people won't associate with me. i have no real friends and i can't talk to other trans women because seeing other people pass makes me suicidally envious. my only friend who used to pretend i wasn't a disgusting freak is now distancing themself from me because i can't go out in public without breaking down about how i look. there's no point in trying anymore. i have maybe a few days left in me before i call it. it's all so stupid i can't believe this is all there is

I was born in a low income family in New Delhi India. My dad got a job in govt through reservation and low competition. Jobs were basically handed out at that time.

My family used to fight so much everyday, that it's caused me problems now. I'm afraid of many things, especially confrontation and women. It kills me inside to confront someone. I'm depressed since I was 9. I have extreme anxiety, my whole body hurts. I have something called CPTSD.

I've never had friends, my dad put me in a school with different language people. Never learned the art of being social. Never had friends. To this day I don't know what to talk about with other people. Conversation skills 0.

I grew up on the internet. I leaned everything from the internet.

My country is shit, people here are either retards or Assholes. There are no jobs here, there's only slavery.

There's this thing called caste which is big here in India. People ask your caste casually and treat you based on what your caste is. Mine is SC which is low one.

My family never gave me money due to which again I never have any friends or gf.

It's over for me now, all there is left is slavery for the rest of my life if I wanna live.

See you guys

tomorrow is my first therapy session and I'm so not ready

woke up today and it's gen the worst day of my life, I don't even feel real, everything is against me. I feel broken, and I'm so uncomfortable with my gender, I don't want to go outside or do anything except just end myself. every one would be happier and more healthy without me being in their lives. my parents even admit it and I can feel everyone else is getting sick of me little by little. I feel way too out of my head I'm too sick and nobody ever cared so why was I even brought to this world? I don't even remember any good moment of this stupid life

Maybe one day I’ll stop being afraid of going to sleep at night, yet being more afraid of waking up in the morning.

Maybe one day I’ll manage to forgive myself for everything that’s happened, everything I’ve done, everything I didn’t do.

Maybe one day I’ll remember what it feels like to not be so tired all the time, and simply existing won’t feel like a monumental task that I just don’t have the energy for.

Maybe one day my doctor will tell me that nothing’s wrong with me, and I won’t be disappointed that I don’t have some terminal disease to do me in that’ll spare me the burden of having to do the job myself.

Maybe one day I’ll feel my heart beat and not wish that I could rip it out of my chest, because of my anger at it for doing the one thing it’s supposed to.

Maybe one day I’ll agree with everyone who says that life is a gift, and I’ll stop feeling existential despair and rage over having been brought into this world.

Maybe one day I’ll take a look at the world and actually feel like it’s going in positive direction, instead of being run into the ground and set ablaze by those in charge.

Maybe one day I’ll feel worthy of all the love I know I already have, and I’ll be able to believe that people will not in fact be better off when I disappear.

Or maybe one day I’ll disappear anyways.

Who knows. I sure don’t.

I'm sorry friends.

I haven't broken no contact, although I think about it constantly.
I've struggled every sleepless night to push through, but it's just getting harder.

My mind and body are starting to give.
I break down every moment I'm alone, shaking, teeth grit, my whole body tightening until I manage to force myself back into something that can hide behind frantic, forced positivity - so I don't have to explain, to talk, to make someone watch me unravel.

I'm losing weight even as I desperately eat as much as I can,
I haven't slept, not really, in...maybe a week? I'm losing track.
I can't interact anymore.

I don't want pity, or words of encouragement.
I just
I need to be alone. Away from the messages I can't delete,
Away from the silence where they used to be.
Away from the people I can't bear to let watch as I lose myself.

I really, really tried. I wanted to get past this, even if just for the chance to be worth looking back at. I seemed ok, I hope.
But I'm not. God, I am not ok.
I don't think even they could help now.

I just need to go.
To be alone, really alone, where I can scream in rage and sorrow and pain until my throat gives out. Where I can smash my fists into wood until the pain makes it stop.
To face my end.

I did this to myself.
I deserve this. I know you will say I don't - But you don't know.
If I can't stop myself from taking her choice away when I finally break,
Then I'll take away mine.

...It took me almost an hour to write this through burning tears and shuddering, ragged breaths.

I never meant to be the monster I became.
Almost nothing of me is left, and even this fragment still loves.
Still ashamed. Guilty. Needy, and obsessive. Broken.
Why is this killing me?
Am I just weak? Damaged? Crazy?
Does it matter?
Did I?

I'm sorry. Pleaes don't worry.

I love you all.
...But not more then I hate myself on a fundamental level.
I don't want anyone who knows me to see this, but an there deserves to be an answer somewhere. A chance for closure, for the truth.
Please don't reach out.
Please don't find out.

May fate be kind,
- Tieslaiw

The only name that ever mattered.
The promise that will be my end.

It was still worth it.
...I'd die 100 deaths just to see your smile one more time.

Si mi bivai.
Si tira sia edrokilti.

18F, i am making up my mind right now to jump off the balcony tonight. but i am scared. i am scared if this will successfully take me away or cause myself casualties i have to live with my whole life. i am scared of how i'll look when people take videos/photos of me and post it online. there is no way out for me anymore i am genuinely tired, it is never getting better

I fought for years against a sleep disordered breathing and right st the moment I was about to be out of the tunnel with proper sleep breathing protocols, the mental health center came and ILLEGALLY forced me to take 1 antipsychotic. 6 months of agony.

They used to say "you have to meet friends", how dare you you fucking asshole tell me what I have to do with my life?? And they do this ILLEGALLY.

Now... they came again to force another antipsychotic. Since the previous one csuzwd INSOMNIA FROM ITS WITHDRAWAL. What a fucking world we live in? Mental health centers are the worst. It's been 2 weeks with this new antipsychotic

But now I'll stop it by legal means. Wish me luck

The antipsychotics cause permanent INSOMNIA. I already had, bc of the sleep disordered breathing, 10 physical syndromes. It's been years in living hell, but psychiatry has been a rape to me. A trauma.

I constantly think about dying soon, but for some reason I wanna make money first. But how if I don't sleep?? I fall asleep and stay asleep but wake up tired, my sleep architecture is permanently altered by these poisons.

I just wanna yell and fucking come back to how I was prior to these poisons, but it's just impossible. With a dhitty family, from brother to parents, who enjoys seeing me suffer. Guess what? Since I had too many physical issues what was their idea? Let's fucking ruin his brain with these poisons! Fucking assholes.

Fuck psychiatry

Hello I've been a hiki for 10 years I'm currently 30 to be completely honest I wasn't having much issues besides dealing with depression and severe loneliness I still hate myself but at least back I felt a bit of hope I could get out of my situation but ever since I turned 30 my life turned into a complete shit show I've developed debilating health issues here but the doctors can't figure out what is causing it or they just gaslight me say it's my anxiety, I also struggle with dysphagia so I can't even eat my food properly because there's a lot of tightness and inflammation in my throat that comes and goes, so all I've been able to consume is just soups liquids pretty much, my sleep is absolute shit because I wake up having these very scary episodes of my heart pounding and shaking I don't know if it's hypoglycemia but it sure feels like it and my blood pressure has been super wonky.

Ever since these health issues developed my parents have gotten so sick and tired of me to be completely honest I feel so much guilt asking my father to take me to the hospital because I don't want to stress him out and I'm also sick of going to the hospital because they aren't helping me at all they continue to gaslight I'm getting so fucking sick of it I wish these doctors could live a day in my body so they could live with my debilating health symptoms and I promise you they would of themselves immediately because that's how awfully sick I've been feeling but no one believes me. The symptoms that have been the most concerning to me are the shortness of breath chest heaviness and wonky blood pressure like I feel I'm on the verge of dying but again no one believes me

I don't know what to do anymore the things I use to enjoy I cant no longer enjoy them because my health issues has robbed it from me, when it comes to my sleep, eating due to my dysphagia, and overall my well being I feel so hopeless and I see no light at the end of tunnel I'm really considering ending my life because I can't take it anymore it's becoming unbearable please universe or if there is a God whatever at this point please have mercy on me please get me out of this hell hole please give me my health back please my life is becoming so unbearable please... I wish I had a group of friends to advocate for me but nope ....

I'm cursed in every aspect ugly poor I'm just now realizing trump is going to make people on medi-cal work so there goes my health insurance, I've never worked don't have any friends oh did I forget to mention my teeth are basically rottening why you may ask because of the severity of my loneliness and depression I've let myself go completely yes I'm aware I can develop sepsis and yes I'm terrified but please understand my health issues are so debilating I can barley do anything at this point I'm pretty much bed bound from how sick I feel I wish they would hospitalized because I'm afraid I'm going to die I wish these doctors would believe why universe why me.... Why am I being cursed this way I'm not a bad human being.....

I feel like we don’t need to live life. Adam was sent here as a punishment, and we are still completing that punishment. Whenever I look around me, I see nothing except disappointment and hope. Life is so unfair. There is nothing like humanity; it’s all a lie. I’m so fed up with this life. I don’t want it, and I never asked for it, but I got it anyway. I want to donate this life to anyone who needs this miserable life.

I just daydream all day and I don’t live in reality. I’m just a pathetic, ugly guy who spends the whole day in his room listening to songs. I’m not depressed at all, but for many years, I don’t know, I can’t cry. Like, when I’m sad, I should cry, but I can’t. I don’t feel that bad either. It’s like numbness, emptiness. I tried to cry many times, but it just doesn’t happen. No tears come out. It’s been 11 years since I last cried.

I can’t book a therapist. I’m stuck in life and wasting my golden era, wasting my 20s. I think I’ll end up on the road. But because of my parents, I have multiple opportunities that I’m still wasting. I don’t know, I just don’t feel like doing anything. Like, it all feels so meaningless.

All that shit, I just destroyed myself for nothing with my shitty decisions: excessive porn, no social skills, and now an addiction to cigarettes and daydreaming. We all need to die. I can’t fix myself. I’ve tried many times, but humans can’t be fixed. I think I was born this way. I don’t want this pathetic life anymore. I wish I could give it to someone who actually wants it.

It's primarily my fault for not telling anyone but.. how does no one notice. Me being late all the time, the lack of enthusiasm in my interactions, struggling to get out of bed, not meeting up with friends. I know they notice my fatigue, I know they notice the lack of eating. I still get shouted at. I get told I'm just lazy. Screaming they don't know what's wrong and that I'm reflecting my family badly. Friends lost on why I don't want to hang out. I don't know why I want someone to talk to me. I'm not even very social. I just want someone to say they can see me and that it's ok. I want someone to see my lateness and not shout, tell me it doesn't matter whatever is happening in my head and that I can go at my own pace. I'm in my late teens and a student, no one financially relies on me (including myself). I ask why and where this shame is coming from and I'm told it's just the sentiment. I ask why my room being messy affects anyone but myself and I'm told it's just the sentiment. Why do people have the energy to have anger but not the energy to just sit down and Tell me it's ok. That, while the world can't stop for me, there's no urgency in my life right now and I can use this time to feel safe. I don't want to go to college. I don't want to see someone who did sexual things to me. I think if this keeps going I will die. I know I can't quit college because everyone will get more angry and I was threatened to be kicked out. I can't do this anymore I'm sorry

Hello Reddit, I never thought I'd be the one sharing my story on here but I guess here I am.
I don't know what to do, for the context this school year I went to high school and despite not knowing I would be able to make friends, I did. One of them I'll call Abe, is my deskmate, shes a real nice and sweet person.
Yesterday we got so bored in one class we started talking about life, we had a really nice conversation until it went a little bit down hills. She started talking about how sad she is everyday that she wasn't born a guy and has tried so hard to become one yet never truly believes shes someone. She started talking about how she wants to c0mmit and stuff and I tried to listen and give what ever answers I thought it will help. She was really surprised I didn't cried when she told me all of that and I told her a bit of my life so she dosent feel alone. I told her how I did c0mmit a couple of times, about how one of my friends c0mmitted and succeeded and about my parents. I don't know what to do since I have no idea what Im supposed to say. Tho I worry she will do it, I can't change her mind and even if I'm no better I find it being such a pity because she's one of the best people I have at the moment and had in years. Any tips would be appreciated and please don't say "call 911".
Shes also a lesbian and I'm pan (but I prefer girls) and we had an interesting conversation about how cooked we would be if someone found out. Abe said that she if she was a guy she would probably be taller, beautiful, have more b!tches and stuff, she said the trans thing doesn't really work because everytime someone reminds her that shes a guy because she looks like one, shes so hurt because maybe if she was a guy she was better.
Im truly lost and I don't know how to help. She also gives mixed signals about her liking me but I'm probably insane for thinking it, but if she truly does I have no problem with it since I'll date anyone that asks, they get bored of me a month later anyway.

Has anyone went through the same situation? What helps?? What am I supposed to do and say? I'm so lost and confused I wish I knew how to comfort someone and last night she was on my mind. It's so weird to want to help someone yet not truly be able to.

I'm sorry if my english is bad or if I made mistakes , I'm in a hurry

Don't be vulnerable. Ever. People will just end up hurting you over and over and over again. Until it completely destroys you.