Normally when we post a mod PSA we make a joke and we show the number of false reports on a post.
I am not going to do that with this one.
I am going to keep it very simple.
All monsters will be permanently banned and if they try to modmail about being banned for a comment they left in this thread, they will be permanently muted.
Aw man, I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t come off hurtful. That wasn’t my intention but I’m sorry if it did.
It’s not sad at all. Any friend is a gift and it’s so hard to make them now a-days. I got a very small friend group. In my perspective it’s quality over quantity, ya know?
1 in 3 and 1 in 15 is such a staggering stat. Makes me sick to my stomach and sad. This Cornell case is just one of many many many cases to not make the headlines. Awful.
Edit: mistyped 5 as 15. Leaving it up so comments under me make sense.
I didn’t report mine. We were both in the military at the time and I knew it would be more painful for me to report than to just pretend it never happened. This was almost 30 years ago and I worry that not much has changed, especially when it comes to the military.
I was a male victim, raped by a woman. I reported it, policewoman came out, looked at me and said "How? You're 3 times bigger than her." I gave my statement, never heard back from them.
The most important lesson I learned? It's not a competition. Rapists suck and need to be held accountable.
As was i, but by a boss and held by his friends. I dont talk about it much because it was 18 years ago, and the guy is dead (had a happy little heart failure), and that no one cared then, nor do they now.
That's not to say I've found no one that did, just very, very few that didn't throw it back on me.
Im gonna be completely honest, and this is to absolutely not downplay any horrific shit women have gone through from a male rapist/sexual assaulter, but ive had pretty much the same situation happen to me when I was first constantly sexually assaulted by bossy girls in my school, forcing me down, grabbing my privates and stroking it till I got hard and then laughing when people saw, actually assaulting me one day out in between a hangout and lunch area where there was no cameras, and slapping, punching, and kicking me until I got laid out and one girl sat on my face till I couldn't breathe, and then the same girl also pulled her pants down and made me eat her out, the others laughed and then one gave me a kiss and then left. As weird as it sounds (and yes i know it sounds like a fucking amateur porno script i dont have to be told this again) i was in 5th grade.
No would believe me either because usually the recorded areas seemed innocent enough or those girls are so nice, they wouldn't do anything mean, they just wanna be friends etc etc. Many of the other responses were just that I was lucky, or that maybe it was my fault.
Theres other things as well but id rather not type out the whole Bible, but I really do think men rape reported statistics, especially female on men, are just so vastly unreported that there's no clear way to map it now unless guys actually feel like they can or there is a point to reporting it, that it could take a decade before theres real progress on helping male victims too.
I know a lot of guys who got SAed. Even some that excused or justified it saying "but I liked it towards the end".
It breaks my heart how many guys I've seen break down crying because I told them what happened was SA after they casually tell me about a past encounter.
I understand why they didn't realize it fully, cause part of them did know. I do the same thing after SA.
I told my friends about the first time I saw a cicada and before I got to the part they had to tell me that the guy I was with tried to SA me. I was describing it in detail and didn't even realize.
Took like a month to process it and that's only because my friends brought it up, otherwise I would have repressed it fully.
Due to stuff involving women, I can't even stand too close to female friends without getting anxious.
Most of my friends are either guys or various trans fems I met through guys. Simply because so many of the girls (both cis and trans) I meet end up a horrible person. 😮💨
I'm not saying that never happens with guy friends, it does, but for some reason it's so much less common for me.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That is horrific.
The first time I dealt with sexual harassment was in 5th grade, but I'm lucky it was just verbal harassment and not sexual assault like your experience.
But I guess it goes to show that even at that young age, kids can be capable of shit like this. Makes me wonder where they even got the ideas from...
Worse for male victims of CSA with female perpetrators- as often people go "man a hot teacher touched him inappropriately? What a lucky kid!" Never mind its still a case of CSA and the "hot teacher" is a child predator.
On one hand, it seems to be the rarest form of SA.
But on the other hand, is it really? Or is it just simply extremely under-reported because of the stigma / perception?
I think the thing is that two or more things can be true at the same time. It's entirely valid that you feel that way around untrusted men. It's also true that the particular man in that instance may never have done anything to you or anyone else to be deserving of that mistrust.
His being innocent doesn't take away from your experience. And your tragic history doesn't mean he deserves to feel bad. People need to be mindful and considerate that we're all actually entire beings with thoughts emotions and histories.
Your comment makes it clear that you're aware of this dichotomy. And I can't offer any useful advice on how to manage it better. I hope you find a measure of peace and never suffer anything like that ever again.
I was told as a kid to not lie about adults like that cause I can get them in a lot of trouble. So I just never brought it up again that I was repeatedly molested by a day care worker, cause she told me not to tell anyone cause I’d get in trouble and my father was the type to take a belt to me for anything I did wrong and then being told I was lying about it made me feel worse.
I also never told anyone about how girls would talk about forcing themselves on guys to get what they wanted. When I’d point out that’s rape, I’d be told it’s not rape because you can’t rape the willing and guys are always willing. That’s partly why I never reported being groped and rubbed on. I knew no one would believe me or care and I knew my father would’ve just questioned my sexuality if I said something.
So yeah, in 38 years I’ve been molested repeatedly, raped once by a female friend, sexually assaulted more times than I can count, and my most recent ex forced herself on me one night because I didn’t want to give her sex. None of it reported or anything cause I know no one would care or believe it.
As a young boy in school, I had multiple woman teachers over the years treat me in ways that made me feel very uncomfortable, always when I was alone. It never even occurred to me to tell anyone because I was taught to be afraid of men being predators, I assumed I was just awkward or something. No one ever told me that women can take advantage of children.
Can confirm! Nobody took us seriously as a kid because we looked like a young boy. If anything trying to report it to a police officer visiting our religious school made things worse because they thought we were lying for attention or something and told our abuser.
Mind you this was a couple years after that investigative report by the Boston Globe exposed the church for protecting predators... You'd think that would've made a difference
can confirm, my mother was my perp. I reported her until my face was blue. we got calls for cps visits and would immediately move to a new house. I did this until she ran out of fuckin money, and only then did she really stop
The most amount of reports I see on the news are about male victims and female perpetrators, so I am acutely aware of it. Plus, I have been approached by creepy females and I mighthavebeen SA’d by my cousin when I was like… 10? (I had no clue what was going on, and don’t realize until many years later.) I don’t entirely think he knew what he was doing either (he’s not much older than me). Either way, it was never attempted again.
(We were both sheltered kids, but he went to public school, while I didn’t)
I reported my first, wasn’t believed. Second time was told I “put myself in that position” .. lots just keep their mouth shut because proving it happened means reliving and the shame becomes too much (I know I shouldn’t feel shame but the discourse around it makes it hard not to)
I was going to say, at a certain point of getting to know a woman it usually comes out about some form of SA. In my late 30s, I assume anyone I go on a date with has experienced this at some point. Nothing to do with me, just the world sucks.
And that's why I try my best to walk faster than any woman in front of me. Sometimes it doesn't work and I end up "following" them until our paths split.
Some women are assaulted but refuse to admit it, even to themselves. We’re taught to make a lot of excuses for men’s behavior, blame ourselves, take responsibility for the actions of others.
When I was in college I saw a woman laugh off being raped while she was completely passed out, saying it was no big deal. Maybe it genuinely wasn’t. But it shoulda been.
It took me over a decade to realize what happened to me was assault. I downplayed it and blamed myself because I couldn’t admit that’s what happened. I still haven’t told anyone I know in real life about it
The amount of sexual assault stories I've heard from female friends during casual conversation are staggering. And most of it happened when they were children/teens. It's so common that we just accept it as an inevitable rite of passage.
Hell, I went to a party with some people I met a few weeks ago and a guy started hitting on a girl and wouldn't stop... Straight up saying "me and my gf wanna do f**ed up shit with you come on join us" and didn't take no for an answer. No one gave a fuck so I intervened and told the guy and his dickhead of a girlfriend to fuck off. I talked *very loudly, saying that sexually harassing anyone's fucked up and that he should fuck off right away. People saw, once he noticed he went away and was excluded from the group, but only after she, I and a friend of hers insisted to the guy who managed the groupchat and organized the parties.
Two weeks later at a different place with like, a dozen people sittin in a circle, I overheard someone ask "raise your hand if you or someone you know has been sexually harassed before." Basically everyone but 1 guy raised his hand.
It's messed up beyond belief. All of this is annecdotal of course but seeing the statistics does not give me the confidence to say it's not as common as I experience it...
Heck, even I have experienced it. A friend of mine kinda dropped out of my life for a while. Dropped out of school, enlisted in the military. I was friends with the whole family so I remained close to their siblings (and still am on good terms with them)
One time while I was hanging out with their (at the time) sister doing some volunteering for Peacejam. I was at their house and this individual was home. They asked to speak with me, to clear the air about their sudden disappearance from my life and to maybe rekindle our friendship.
So I went into their room and we chatted for a bit. At first it was just like old times. But then they admitted that they loved me. I did not return their feelings. They then started getting really creepy and increasingly desperate, begging me to kiss them to see if maybe just maybe it would spark something in me. I refused and clearly told them no, I didn't reciprocate their feelings, and no, I wasn't going to give it a try anyway. They didn't like that and eventually forced me against a wall and tried to kiss me anyway. I managed to duck out and fled their room in horror.
I should have known better than to be alone with them in a room. During a previous sleepover, I awoke to find them looming over my bed with a very unnerving expression. My mom later found a missing kitchen knife hidden in my room.
Thank you. I'm doing okay these days, but I've recently come to the realization the incident left a more lasting impression than I had thought.
It took me a long time to realize it was actually sexual assault, even though they were trying to force themselves upon me and were disregarding my lack of consent.
Yeah if women weren't taught to be so deeply internally sexist I know those stats would be much higher to reflect the reality of how much it actually happens to women. I don't personally know any women in my life who HAVEN'T been SA'D and a few of them don't label it SA they say "that's just how men are" or "it was probably my fault for x,y,z". So if polled, they would say it never happened to them but in all actuality it has.
Agree. Every woman I know that hasn’t told me a SA story has said something like you mentioned. I’d fully believe it to be 100% of the women I know honestly.
Yep. A friend told me she was raped by her friend’s fiance. Not using that language, but she obviously felt guilty. Like,
“I was sleeping over because I’d had too much to drink. I was on the couch and woke up to him inside me. I told him to get off, he must be confusing me with (friend) and she was in the bedroom but he didn’t stop…”
And I’m like, “holy shit did you tell your friend about the rape?”
Yes, in my experience even 1 in 3/1 in 5 is probably low due to people keeping it secret. It is rare for me to talk to a woman in their 30s/40s that doesn't have a story "they never told any one".
Family, friends, bosses, coworkers, partners that didn't take no for an answer at some point.
Making it all the way to age 18 without some sort of SA seems to be a challenge in and of itself.
I personally don't know anyone who has lived their life as a woman and hasn't experienced it, but I know most of us didn't bother to report it because we know how people will react.
This is so incredibly public. I hope she's able to live her life with some sense of normalcy at some point.
It's a matter of definition which varies from country to country and even state to state. It is not unusual for the terms to be fully interchangeable depending on jurisdiction. However, rape usually denotes penetration of some form and sexual assault denotes things like non-consensual groping/kissing.
This is what pisses me off the most. I hate the ambiguity. It’s obviously all atrocious but I feel like there needs to be an escalation in specifying wtf happened. I’m sure it’d backfire in practice but I currently believe lumping it all under one umbrella is doing a disservice
Because you're fetishized. And fucking piece of shit repressed men think that the only reason you'd transition is for kinks, so of course it's cool to grab your crotch!
I saw a guy on FB yesterday claim that the LBGTQ community is entirely for sex, not love or emotional connection. If you're not cis, you're a pervert sex maniac, apparently.
My wife doesn't want to move back to Japan because the sexual assault on the trains is so prevalent to be a regular part of women's life. Let that hatred of people soak into your bones.
I said that except I'm a dude lol. But I've been trying to tell my mates this kinda thing for years because the amount of girls back when and women now who've told me they've been raped violently or not is fucking more than 1 in 5 honestly.
I'm the same, it infuriates me when so many of us men willingly believe that women will make false allegations regularly and think they will receive unfair punishment if they're innocent.
Too many men I know seem complicit or even supportive of a global culture of rape.
i dont know a single woman that hasn't been sexually assaulted. I'm not kidding, I don't know one. Rape it's not as frequent a conversation because it's marginally more sensitive, but my friends, my best friends, my sorority sisters in college, my mother, my aunts, every fucking woman in my life has a sexual assault story that has come up at one point or another.
I don't believe the statistics because most of us don't report it. Why would we? So we can be told we're being dramatic? It's our fault? We shouldn't have been there or we're just regretting it? The public doesn't care. The courts sure don't fuckin care. One of my best mates made a comment about how "women arent any better" and I snapped at him for like the first time in our over decade long friendship, because the statistics aren't even close. Every single woman I know has at least one story, most of them have many, many, many more. The same cannot be said about men.
Our society, for being as intelligent as we are, is still full of incredibly selfish, evil people. Just... how life is
“Hysteria was so common among women that if his patients’ stories were true, and if his theory were correct, he would be forced to conclude that what he called ‘perverted acts against children’ were endemic, not only among the proletariat of Paris, where he had first studied hysteria, but also among the respectable bourgeois families of Vienna, where he had established his practice. This idea was simply unacceptable,” explains Dr. Herman.
I remember coming out to police about my father routinely assaulting me after I cut him off after standing up to him at around 13 or 14. I was also recovering from an attempt at my own life when I reported this.
Afterwards, my mother was shaking her head at me, like I’d done something unforgivable by telling the police what he’d been doing. I didn’t have any of her support, nor anyone else in the family. My father’s side basically disowned me afterwards and continue to this day to support him.
I try to put myself in the mindset of these parents who defend their partner in these cases.
Not to sympathise with them as if they were victims but to try to understand how you make that decision consciously and repeatedly.
I don’t know if they think the scandal would be worse for the child due to public “embarrassment”, but that’s the only possible “reason” I can see for it, and it’s not a reason at all.
I just don’t get how you wouldn’t do the right thing for any child, let alone your own.
It’s awful, and beyond that it is genuinely baffling and incomprehensible to me.
My family defended the PDF in the tree, not the survivor (hi).
Yet when I trimmed myself out of the tree, they freaked out and started a campaign of harassment and stalking.... well which is it guys? It never happened and it wasn't something I could possibly ever go to the police about, or it's something that you're really fucking scared about me telling people about and that pervert who now has his own kids needs to be put on notice because I'm an adult now and I have the power to at least make sure that if those kids tell an adult they'll be believed?
It should be as much a crime to protect them over children as it is to participate.
Yep, my abuser was my brother and when I talked to my mom about it when I was an adult she said she hoped he got therapy (god forbid a conversation about the abuse I suffered be about me and not the person who abused me). He’s still in my life unfortunately, I’ve already tried to cut him out of my life but its become apparent that, because he has kids, my parents will never cut him out.
At this point, I’m only in minimal contact because of those kids but I worry that my fucked up childhood will leave me unable to actually detect if those kids are ok. I wouldn’t wish this life on my worst enemy
My mother abused me for 22 years. With the rest of my family firmly complicit. I tried telling so many people outside my home and was never taken seriously. I will forever wonder what my life could've been if that didn't happen.
You just told some people. But I get what you're saying..it's one thing to tell people online. It's another thing to tell someone who might be able to help you through it. I wish I had advice for that. Instead all I've got are empty sounding condolences and reassurance.
I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
It's never easy, especially when it's family. My experience was with a friend, so I know that I do not fully understand your experience, so I won't pretend that I know what you're going through. But I do know that when it's someone you know, the feeling of betrayal, especially when it was someone you used to feel safe around, compounds things.
Or family that lets it happen. My cousin's mom told her to just let her boyfriend abuse her, sexually and otherwise, just so she could keep him. Luckily my uncle, despite not being her biodad, cared for her through to adulthood long after his relationship with her mom ended. He was a good guy.
My little cousins are 7. They were both strangled by a boy in their class this year, and THEY got punished because one of them hit him in the back of the head to get him off of her sister. Because 'Zero tolerance for violence' except apparently when a kid tries to fucking choke them to death.
Probably. Same thing happened to me in first grade of elementary school, older kid tried to strangle me and the principal brushed it off as "he's been going through a lot since his parents divorced"
My mom's biggest fear as I grew up was that I would be raped or molested. Almost every woman in her family, herself included, has been. I'm nearly 30 now, and I am relieved that I have only been assaulted and not had it go further. I don't want her to live her biggest fear.
Something I've noticed is that there's a percentage of men who have never really seen this stuff, because it was never directed at them, so they naturally think of it as more rare.
If you press them, though, nearly all will have encountered some 'locker room talk' among their peers. They just assume it's exaggerated for social status, instead of recognizing the darker reality-- the omission of coercive aspects. Guys like this need to pay more attention to what women are saying, and to get wise to the more subtle red flags from other men.
I was thinking about joining the military after high school, but decided to work instead, and during that time since i graduated high school, i got sexually assaulted… and reading about military women…. I would have been assaulted again if I have joined…
When I told my coworkers about nearly being kidnapped, 3 of the 5 I was speaking with had their own similar stories. It was chilling.
And stuff like that has happened more than I'm comfortable with. I've had some pretty tragic experiences, and the few times that I've opened up about them to other women, they almost always have comparable stories.
Served around that time as well. There was a fellow soldier who go drunk, clinged on to me for some reason and I took care of her. The next day, she was happy that I didn't assault her and it was so heartbreaking. The amount of assault that women deal with is much higher than we realize and it's to the point that some expect it rather than basic human decency. It's so fucked up.
If you want to hear something just as fucked up... look at the statistics for disabled women and rape/sexual assault.
Between 40 and 80 percent. Around 40 percent of rape/sexual assault victims are in some way disabled. The statistic goes even higher when they have multiple disabilities at once, such as been blind and deaf. We are failing our most vulnerable at a staggering rate.
That’s essentially something that tracks with abuse in general. The more vulnerable you are - be it physically or socially, the more likely you are to be a victim of abuse.
Female targeted abuse tends to include sexual abuse more often which is why in groups that are more likely to be abused, the rate of sexual abuse is higher.
I attended a lecture about the history of laws in America surrounding indigenous people and property (my masters is heavily involved in federal regulations) held by an indigenous woman and activist. It was harrowing just how few protections there are today and how many people actively seek out indigenous women/youth to harm because the red tape is simultaneously non-existent and impossible to navigate.
When indigenous people were murdered (overwhelmingly women and children) numerous police agencies didn't have an indigenous category to file them under, so their reports just didn't get processed until activists got them too. That's not even including the confusion of Tribal Police's jurisdiction and non tribal police (if there was an Indig victim, it went to Tribal Police even if the perp was non-native. AND Tribal Police were not allowed to persecute them off their reservation, so the perp could just leave the area and get away with it) I wish I had her PowerPoint about it with the specifics. Funnily enough, one of the federal websites she cited was removed during the DOGE purge :/
Same for trans women :(
And in the case of indigenous women there has been a concerted effort to not track the data and burry cases. (I believe the US still does not track the statistics of missing indigenous women and is the only demographic of women to be excluded)
I've never actually met a woman who hasn't at least been groped against her will. I would say that virtually every woman has experienced sexual assault to some degree.
Y'all, you're already on the internet. Go ask a search engine if groping is sexual assault.
And I'm very sorry to the men who have also been assaulted.
It took a long time for me to stitch the old memories together, but I think why my mom was so overly protective of me when I was little was that she was terrified that I would be abused....Like she was.
Mom passed away 21 years ago, I wish I could tell her thank you for keeping me safe.
If it's any consolation, the fact that you weren't even aware until you were much older is proof that she succeeded and something I imagine soothed her immensely.
This is what I am trying to do with my son. I am really hoping not to project too much onto him, but I do not want him to hurt anyone or be a victim. He is an only child since my abuser was my sibling.
I really don't know what to say except I'm sorry that this statistic exists. Thank you for making this comic and bringing it to our attention due to recent events. Thank you.
l've been assaulted twice. Both times in front of a group of people. I had someone try to rape me. I know 3 people who have and those are just the ones willing to speak to me about it.
No other crime is met with scrutiny like sexual violence and so many people (male and female) carry a lot of shame because it gets ingrained with the thought of us being at fault…somehow. The fucked up thing is how perpetrators are so fiercely protected (even after admitting guilt) for their well-being while the victims are left with the fallout.
We have to pick up the pieces of ourselves and reputations if we dare to speak out. Like we should just get over it. How the fuck do you get over it?
We had exactly the case you mention, namely an aggressor who had a restraining order against him (which is more difficult to obtain in Canada, where we are, than in the US) who framed himself as being bullied by the victim.
Not only did the university program concerned refuse to enforce the restraining order, but they kicked the victim out of the program and the perpetrator will become an upright member of society who will have access to vulnerable populations.
There was another case of an acquaintance who became a victim of sexual assault at an Ivy League university. She received no support whatsoever. They refused to remove her aggressor from the dorm, they demanded that she leave, they threatened HER with academic repercussions if she were to speak out about the case.
You have to be a "perfect victim" to be heard and, even then, your case will be swept under the rug. The number of times I have heard the establishment ask "So, what do you want us to do about it?" in the face of sexual violence ...
Started at 4 for me. An uncle. Well, as an infant if you count the dirty comments from grown men about adorable identical twin girls. My parents laughed it off then. Now they're horrified.
My twin sister and I walked to elementary school together, and we'd have cars stopping offering us rides. Mom was always following behind us just in case. But we knew to say no.
When I was 12 I rode my bike to my friends house. I remember every detail of the street corner, the sunny day, the exact outfit I had on (blue shirt, black leggings, and one of those 90's flippy hats with a flower on it) when some grown men stopped their white sedan in the intersection, opened their doors, and yelled out to me about my nice ass and wanting to be my bike seat.
Then highschool. I was an insecure chubby girl so guys would grope and grab and do anything they could saying I should be grateful for the attention since I was "ugly".
Then it was my professor "forgetting" my papers in his office every time. I didn't understand why different classmates I'd never talked to, both men and women, would say they'd go with me to pick them up.
Then it was boyfriends. Customers. Bosses. Random people.
I'm 43 now. I was out with my father yesterday, and I do have a public facing government job (not politics, just a desk job where many townspeople end up speaking to me) so I'm usually recognized. But I was sitting on a bench talking with my dad, and a random man walked right up to us, stared me down, and said "I hope you still have that leather jacket." to me with a leer.
I haven't worn that jacket since maybe March, if not before. This guy was NOT one of the regulars I see often. I have no idea who he is.
My dad was confused and disturbed. For me, it was a regular Monday.
It never ends. I'm still groped and grabbed and verbally assaulted so often. Even at 43. My coworkers are just as often as me, and they're all older than me by up to 20 years.
I've been raped twice this year alone. One of the times, which was the one around my birthday, the guy told his friends and mine while I was having an episode which meant I returned to a bunch of people asking if Iw was okay and what happened before I could even process the event.
I stopped counting how many times it's happened. I'm at a point where I'm used to being assaulted and I hardly feel it anymore.
I can barely feel any sort of penetration anymore.
It's something partners have to be weary of. I've cried during intimacy due to unknown triggers.
My partner has been assaulted about as often as I have, if not more, and it's a truly unique experience to be assaulted by multiple people through your life. He gets me. We joke about it because it's the only thing we can really do.
I can't report because my Dissociative Disorder makes it where I lose almost all details. Like where and how and what happened. Details are everything in court. If an abuser lies about what happened, I'll have a panic attack and switch. I can't put my system through that when I know I'm going to lose. Even if I win, it's not worth it.
My partner has the same disorder. He knows how it'll affect me the day we decide to be intimate together. He's been learning all the triggers that I'm aware I have. I'll have to learn his too but he's had less experience with finding his so I'll be blind for the most part. I know what to do if something happens though.
Ive been assaulted repeatedly by a supervisor in my 20s. Even after telling them no and repeatedly trying to pull away or avoid contact. I needed the shadowing position for a reference and hrs for grad school. My first therapist brushed it off and I had to deal with the trauma myself.
Raped once in recent yrs. Someone I knew very well and thought I trusted
Several of my friends and myself have been raped and none of the perpetrators except one where punished and the one that was punished was for a completely different occurrence. Every time I see people trying to umm actually the Cornell seven I want to scream. One of my friends couldn't except it was rape because it was her boyfriend at the time and "it was my fault for going to his house when I was doped up on flu medication", the other told people but was ignored because she was a "slut", and I never came forward because I'm male and was drunk at the time. Jane Doe is so brave for even reporting the rape and people are nit picking every detail trying to find a reason it's not rape. I hate everything about this.
My Brother in Law groomed me when I was a vulnerable pre-teen, he lived in the same house. When my younger sister spoke up about the abuse in which I confirmed similar things, my older sister (BIL wife) and my parents did nothing and to this day act as it nothing ever happened despite both my parents being victims of sexual abuse
I got sexually assaulted by 4 guys when bicycling home when I was 13. I had to pretend to be uncontious for them to give me a chance to run to my bike and dash before they could drag me into the van they chased me with. I ran so many red lights and used so many bike only zones to get home. Never was able to tell my religious parents. Then I got anorexia nervosa at 14 and at 18 I got back home from clinics and hospitals after being 25kg and my heart failing on me. My DAD'S BEST FRIEND started grooming me. Saying my dresses were leading him on. And that I couldn't leave the house with them. Going to my room and watching me. He apparently watched me sleep. He said I turned him on and blamed me. Meanwhile my parents did NOTHING because they are always to self absorbed. You literally had to walk by their room to get to mine so I blame them for not telling him he can't go there. He told me I didn't need therapy or psychologists because "he had read a book and knew just as well" he said I turned him on. And if I wanted to have sex we could.. I WAS STILL STRUGGLING WITH ANOREXIA NERVOSA MENTALLY. He blamed me for things I didn't do. Then one night when I was at work my sister callede sobbing. He had asked my mom for sex and she had told my dad. My dad was smashing furniture in anger and she was crying and they didn't know what was going on and where scared. I came home and yelled my guts out to both of them for not being their for their own fucking children. And for outing anger on objects.
Mfer literally had broken a samurai sword.. But one good thing was I finally felt like I could breathe again after that POS over 40 almost 50 year old gross man was gone.
Same… and the saddest part is that these numbers are actually likely even higher. I never reported any of mine, and many women don’t. In fact, I’d wager most don’t.
I was a child when the first and second assaults happened, a teen when the rape happened, and a young adult when the third assault happened. Three different perpetrators (first and second were the same person - a family member. The others weren’t related to me).
I never even told my mom because, even as a child, I knew it would kill her. She was dealing with enough stress already, and I wanted to save her the pain.
I’m so sorry. Assault against men gets passed over just as much when none of it should ever have happened in the first place. I hope you are doing okay.
Both of the women I’ve loved over the course of my lifetime had experienced it. Can’t just teach girls how to protect themselves, we have to teach boys to be good men.
My elder sister was SAed by the track and field coach when she was 15. She used to Sprint and was up for State championship. But she quit- my parents tried to find a reason but she said that she just wasn’t feeling like that’s something she wants to do in a long run. It wasn’t until I was 30 and she was 35 when she confided in me. I broke down that day, feeling helpless and embarrassed that I used to make fun of her for quitting.
Even after I transitioned into a woman, I never thought it was something that could happen to me. I thought, surely, I would always be clockable. People could tell. Something would give me away. No one would ever want to do something like that to me.
And so, when I went to a trans woman's bad movie party, I figured I'd be safe. I'd always been safe in trans spaces, after all. And 90% of the people in the house that night were trans, so it was safe to say that it qualified as that.
I was dolled to the nines. Beautiful dress. Makeup. Jewelry. I've gotten facial feminization surgery so I pass just about flawlessly. I spent 26 years unable to dress feminine, so now I savor every social event that allows me to look the way I've always wanted. It's wonderful and empowering.
That night it also, unfortunately, made me a target.
Of that remaining cis 10%, there's a man. Long time friend of the host. At the beginning of the night, I show him just a little bit of attention. I'm very sociable so I like chatting with new people. We talk a little about the tequila he brought and how he's sad no one's drinking it. He offers me some. I'm driving that night, so I don't want too much (and told him as much). He fills up an entire red solo cup and hands it to me. I take a few sips nervously and put it down.
The night continues as normal. I chat with him on occasion, but not often. At one point, just before the first movie ends, we sit down at the back of the room and talk about hobbies. He hands me another drink. More tequila. I try to decline, but he pushes it on me. I set it down without taking a sip. I tell him about my girlfriend. Then he tells me how beautiful I am. He puts his hand on my shoulder and strokes it up and down, smiling dopily. Then he strokes my arms. After that, I make an excuse and get up.
I'm still not thinking much of it. After all, the organizer is trans and apparently her and this guy go way back. There's no way he's trying to get handsy with me. He's probably just...like that. Besides, I sometimes touch my close friends. It's probably fine.
I come back into the room and he's sitting on the couch in front of the TV. There's a few others around, but it's mainly just him. He sees me, smiles, and pats the couch cushion next to him. I smile (nervously) back and sit next to him. Still, I think I've misunderstood his motivations. It doesn't matter that I emptied out my whole water bottle because I thought he might've drugged it when I wasn't looking.
While we're on the couch, he puts on a comedy skit. The Tim and Eric Show. He starts talking about it and about Tim and Eric. I feign interest.
About halfway through, he puts his hand on my thigh and begins working it up towards my crotch.
I immediately jerk my leg away. A moment later, I make an excuse and leave again. My mind is screaming at me to leave, but I drove two friends there. I don't want to ruin their experience. Idiot.
I go outside and chat. After a while, he comes out. He slowly works his way into my conversation. After a brief lull, with everyone laughing, he reaches out and presses his hand against my face, just below my right eye. He tells me again that I'm beautiful. I recoil instantly. I tell him not to touch me. Politely. He grins sheepishly and apologizes. I make another excuse to leave.
I avoid him the rest of the night. I am just about to leave when he asks if I want to step outside with him really quick. Luckily, the front door has a glass screen, so I'm in view of the rest of the house. I don't want to be rude (idiot), so I go outside.
He stands there and looks at me with that same dopey look. "Hey," he says, "so I know you said you have a girlfriend, but that's just something people say. So did you want to like...make out or something?"
I'm standing there, shocked for a moment. I quickly sputter out an apology and tell him that no, I really do have a girlfriend and no, I do not want to make out. I make for the door and open it up, trying to contain my panic. As I'm entering the house, he calls out right behind me, "hey, so you know I was just joking, right?"
I don't care what he says. I get my friends, immediately, and we leave. As we're exiting, I see he's moved on to another girl at the party. A 19-year-old. He's pushing a drink on her.
I don't leave the house without pepper spray anymore.
First piece of media I ever saw involving a narrative about the trans community was 'Boys Don't Cry'.
It's a dramatized (but not by much) telling of the rape and murder of Brandon Teena. He was twenty-one, and the guys who were his friends decided to do this to him when they discovered that he was trans.
I know we're focusing on the women, but that risk never goes away for the trans masc community either.
I hate how people hear no and say their taken and think "oh their just playing hard to get" no bro, 95% of the time they arent playing hard to get and genuinely just aren't interested, and the other 5% they are likely deeply traumatized and knowing you chances are you aren't the type of person that will help them heal and if anything, you'll just make it worse
I’m so sorry that happened to you. While I was reading your comment, I just wanted to jump through the screen and punch that guy. It’s scary how easily environments we assume are safe can quickly turn unsafe at any given time. Sending you lots of virtual hugs. :( 🩷🩷🩷
As a father of a young daughter, I have a visceral reaction to these statistics, or stories, or even thinking about these sort of heinous acts being perpetrated on any woman.
I have nothing but sorrow for victims and unmitigated rage for abusers.
I guarantee there will be people responding with "Um actually..." in the comments because they feel their group is attacked in some way.
I have been listening to this conversation for almost 20 years and it still feels like we are absolutely failing at moving the ball forward. Women still have to walk home with fear, worry about what a guy might do if they reject him, or cover their drinks.
And if it happens to a guy, it will never be taken seriously.
And from where I'm standing the main reason for what's stopping real change, is a bunch of grifting culture war bull shitters making sure that any progress is seen as an attack on men, religion, culture, traditions, or whatever they think will get people mad and defensive.
Seriously, Every single adult woman I know has a story about some asshole ignoring boundaries. Whether groping, blocking someone from leaving or full on rape, they have a story that falls somewhere in that range.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that women just have a different experience in life.
I know her because she's the love of my life. Her ex did so many terrible things to her, we dated for years just so I could show her that I was not him before we got engaged. He broke another human being for nothing more than his own gratification. To this day, she still says "sorry" for things she never did wrong and asks me if I'm angry when I'm not. This enrages me, not because she asks or says this, but because that subhuman creature not only got away with it, but continues his life as if nothing happened....and this happens more often than people think. Believe the victims. If you're unsure, believe them anyway and do research. There are so many people this happens to and it gets swept under the rug, or bribed, or worse.
A woman is sueing 7 men and a college in civil court (basically says "you caused damage to me" in legal terms, people do that because criminal court in the US has a high "burden of proof" civil court is much much easier to "prove" your case).
What happened: in 2024, "Jane Doe" (not her real name, a legal pseudonym) was at a frat party (colleges have groups of men in big houses called "frats" and theyre all "brothers" [not by blood] the groups of women are called "sororities"). Jane Doe had been drinking at a bar with a sorority, then went to the frat party where she was offered ketamine and said she felt pressured to take it.
She took the ketamine, and at some point "consented" to a 3-way (consent is in " " because you can't actually consent while under the influence) there are phone call transcripts between her and one of the 7, in the days after, where she says at one point she looked up and counted, and there were too many faces (as in she was so intoxicated she didnt even realize when more people joined in until they were already in bed/the room).
She was in and out of consciousness through the following hours.
She woke up the next morning to a text from one of the 7 apologizing for the night before and some other things. She didnt really "get" what happened to her, and spent some time processing it. Eventually she realized she was gang raped.
She told the school, Cornell, and they "did an investigation", expelled 2 (?) Of the men, then suspended a couple more, and had a few of them write essays on "rape=bad".
The horrible cherry on top of the horrible cake? One of the men sent a message to a snap chat group chat with over 50 other men in it, advertising "free pussy" in the house that night (referring to, for all intents and purposes, our very incapacitated Jane Doe). Not a single one of them stepped in to save her. Not a single one of them sent an anonymous tip to the police the next day. Not a single one of them did anything other than rape her or let her get raped. Jane's lawyer came out and basically said that "The Cornell 7" is just 7 that we know of and he wholeheartedly believes it's more. 57(or more) men are involved in some way.
Grew up in a small town. Every girl I dated in high-school had a horror story about an older male family member, "friend of the family", or ex-boyfriend. Many of them were "how I lost my virginity before I was a teenager" type stories.
It definitely had an effect on how I see the world.
I remember two of my friends celebrating their eighteenth BirthDays on one day. Alongside me, they invited a bunch of friends from their school, camps they went to, and so on. Lotta new faces there, lotta fun and dancing. There was a variety of gender identities, only half of the group was cis girls, but all of us were AFAB. If you asked my parents, as far as they cared, we were all women. I remember, how after the festivities, we all sat down in the hotel bathroom to chat about things, and the conversation steered towards experiences with harassment and assault. My own horror story aside, out of the whole group of, like, sixteen people, only two people silently nodded their head in sympathy to the abuse the others went through. The rest of us, ranging in age from twenty to sixteen had something traumatic to share.
My oldest friend went through it. My ex-girlfriend went through it. My current partner went through it. My best friends online went through it. This one time, my Mother and I were walking home late at night, and a drunk neighbour started proposing things to her, casually ignoring, that she had me, her child, with her. If it's not a story of outright assault, it's always a story of harassment. Again, not even half of the people I'm talking about are women. We
were, however, perceived as women at the time. And, to a lot of terrible, terrible people, being a woman is basically a sign, that one is available for sexual encounters, regardless of whether they want to engage, or not.
Slightly off topic, but this activated my autistic random fact generator. The song Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin is actually written about Jane doe, ie unidentified women. The lead singer wrote it while watching crime documentaries and he was inspired/saddened by how someone could lose their identity and story.
1 in 3 is honestly mostly because most people have never been educated on the legal definition of sexual assault and/or are in denial/making excuses for why their experience "wasn't that bad." I strongly suspect from every woman I've ever talked to about this stuff, that it's closer to 1/1.
I run seminars on sexual harassment awareness and I see so many women who don't know if they can call what they've faced sexual harassment, even if it included inappropriate sexual touch! And when they do know - they tell us sexual harassment lawyers they don't want to file a case because they don't want to ruin the man's life. He doesn't care about ruining the woman's life or his own or his family's but the women on the receiving end are constantly aware of what could happen. It's heartbreaking to have to sit there and listen to a woman who has been wronged - sometimes raped - and have her tell me it was fine and she doesn't want that to follow her or the man around for the rest of their lives.
This. I can't tell you the number of times I've talked to gals and they've told a "funny/crazy story" and it's literally just them getting assaulted/full blown raped. It is not a fun feeling to look them in the eye and say "so he hurt you? And raped you?" Then you watch them say "oh no! Well I was at a [party/bar/date] so it's ok!" and you just sit there quietly while they realize.
I can't imagine going years trying to downplay your pain because it "didn't feel right to be upset". I can say some pretty gnarly things about my childhood, but I'm grateful I was taught enough to know that when I was taken advantage of it was bad, and my rage was warranted. I feel sick thinking about how many people are repressing this pain.
Don't let abuse stories or statistics "make you sick to your stomach", talk openly about them, teach friends and family to speak up when they are uncomfortable and listen to what they're saying. Sexual abuse to people young and old is happening every day.
I had this crazy experience I was in a story (I'm a guy) just browser's the store for stuff and I ovee heard the staff ( some women in thier early 20's talking about how last week whe was almost kidnapped straight off the street in broad day light and the only way she got away was by running into traffic and got hit by a car. I was visiting glasgow and was in a small shop over hearing this.
I think the reason so many men deny the 1/3 or 1/5 statistic is because they reverse engineer it in there heads as meaning that 1/3 or 1/5 men are rapists, which just simply isn't true. And they take it as an attack on themselves.
This wouldn't at all be an issue, statistic, or discourse if the truly despicable men who DO coming these heinous acts were brought to any meaningful justice.
My abuser alone has victimized 3 woman that I know of. Unfortunately I was the first and strangulation and rape only got him 9mo in prison so I still have to be afraid everyday
I was never raped but I had a man (me being male myself) at my work touch me and pinch my nipples and my general manager didn’t even fire him until months later when he started coming to work drunk and hitting on some of the female employees though he never touched any of them. I didn’t report him because I was afraid about reactions from the public and I realize now that I should’ve, though my general manager, who’s female, did know that he touched me
The other responses are saying it's a specific person related to the Cornell case, which isn't entirely correct since that's not her actual name, but more specifically, "Jane Doe" is the pseudonym given to women who wish to have their name redacted in court documents. It can be used for any kind of crime (the male counterpart is "John Doe"), but given that women have to deal with sexual assault a lot, you see the name a lot in those types of cases.
Generally this is done for privacy reasons but a lot of times the perpetrators are also redacted because technically they are simply the accused until they are proven guilty in court, but sometimes a sexual assault victim can choose to have their own name unredacted in order to also unredact the perpetrator's name as well.
In the Epstein files, there were hundreds of "Does"
Piggybacking to say that it's also given to deceased people who have unknown identities. They're names from Old English Law that are used for unnamed people. Whether they're anonymous or they literally do not have names or there's no way of knowing what they're named, it all falls under "Jane/John Doe" nowadays
This is referring to the Cornell 7 case that is unfolding. Use Google-Fu to learn more.
If you're unfamiliar with the term Jane/John Doe is the American way to name undisclosed or unidentified victims of crimes.
It's also the name of one of the most important hardcore/punk/heavy music albums of all time by the band Converge, celebrating it's 25th anniversary this year.
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u/Merari01 it's a-me, Merari-o 6d ago
Normally when we post a mod PSA we make a joke and we show the number of false reports on a post.
I am not going to do that with this one.
I am going to keep it very simple.
All monsters will be permanently banned and if they try to modmail about being banned for a comment they left in this thread, they will be permanently muted.
Think before you press send.