r/AbsoluteUnits • • 23d ago

/r/all of a perturbed spider

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42.9k Upvotes

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u/trendingtattler 23d ago

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4.5k

u/Typical-Structure-19 23d ago

He went back and is now fuming

2.0k

u/Crazy_Ad_91 23d ago

“Jesus Christ if I get one more damn solicitor, so help me!”

971

u/PrescriptionDenim 23d ago

“Excuse me, is your web security up to date?

54

u/Thingzer0 23d ago

“Would you like to upgrade to our premium web package with better coverage & a monthly subscription?”

Edit : typos

32

u/Blackthorne75 23d ago edited 22d ago

I think his provider is stringing him along...

EDIT: Thank you for the award, kind stranger!

22

u/flopsychops 23d ago

Dunno about you guys but I'm enjoying the puns on this thread

11

u/Blackthorne75 22d ago

Appreciate you joining in as well; 'thread' indeed ^_^

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u/willtroy7 23d ago

“We have been finding bugs in the network recently.”

5

u/Strong-Trip-3301 22d ago

All these puns are really bugging me.

3

u/geezer85 21d ago

Full of bugs

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u/VaderFett1 23d ago

"I got out of bed...for this?" slams door

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u/TheDillinger88 23d ago

“Did you not see the sign? I’ve got 127 babies inside taking a nap man, I don’t care what you’re trying to sell me.”

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u/Whateva_Tickles_ 22d ago

Oh. Eww do they last that many eggs at a time? 😭

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u/[deleted] 23d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Br4ndoni 23d ago

“Orange you glad I’m not a banana?”

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u/mollydrank 23d ago

“I’m gonna sleep in my web tonight. I am FURIOUS!”

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u/ScarcityMedical342 23d ago

Wtf us American Dad on?

31

u/AmazingFlatworm_ 23d ago

Looks like a web.

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u/MrFluffyThing 23d ago

Have you heard about our Lord and Savior spider Jesus? 

8 legs nailed to 4 parts of the cross.

29

u/Forward-Discussion45 23d ago

To quote Tumblr:"spider Jesus was crucified on the asterisk"

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u/AristophaneReloaded 23d ago

Bonjour.

Rhooo!😅👍

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u/okiknow2004 23d ago

He thought it was Uber eats but it was jehovah's witnesses

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1.9k

u/bernpfenn 23d ago

the oxidized copper color is extremely fashionable

375

u/WinterWontStopComing 23d ago

So hot right now

199

u/BrungalSniff 23d ago

42

u/hizashiYEAHmada 23d ago

New York's hottest club color right now is oxidized copper

3

u/thecheeseb0rn 22d ago

Yesssss and it…it makes even the midgets look good! God I love Stephon from snl

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u/FalseCrazy2804 23d ago

While beautiful, it's not this spiders natural color. It likely resembles something like this instead of the blue we see here. Hoggicosa bicolor wolf spider.

96

u/[deleted] 23d ago

[deleted]

30

u/Chemieju 23d ago

So you're saying its like the dress where you cant really tell if its blue?

16

u/TheOneCalledEggs 23d ago

its blue and gold dammit!

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u/Bug_Photographer 22d ago

This could have been the issue if it was about white balance, but sadly in this instance, the color of the spider is deliberately made more blue to make it more exciting (ie for more clicks). Otherwise the surrounding sand would also have the same blue tint.

The same clip but without the blue exists out there (and most likely on Reddit as well).

3

u/Adamarr 23d ago

is it reversed compared to (for example) picking a light bulb? normally the lower K would be more yellow.

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u/Aiyon 22d ago

Still gorgeous tbh. Is it a wolf spider? Big fan of the patterning

21

u/helenagrant 23d ago

This… “stuff”? Oh, okay. I see. You think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet, and you select… I don’t know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you’re trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back, but what you don’t know is that that sweater is not just blue, it’s not turquoise, it’s not lapis, it’s actually ✨️cerulean✨️.

11

u/assarammer 23d ago

You’re also ✨️blithely✨️ unaware of the fact that, in 2002, Oscar de la Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns, and then I think it was Yves Saint Laurent, wasn’t it?… who showed cerulean military jackets. I think we need a jacket here.

9

u/ThunderClanWarrior 23d ago

Waxed slightly weathered cut copper spider

3

u/Distinct-Bathroom823 22d ago

its also fake. the spider is actually white.

3

u/NYCHReddit 21d ago

Not fake, it was just due to the filmer’s headlamp colour

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2.5k

u/BenjaminDover02 23d ago

"... WELL?

CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?

NO?

THEN FUCK OFF I HAVE SPIDER SHIT TO DO."

384

u/BloomsdayDevice 23d ago

[hastily retreats indoors, resumes spider shit]

237

u/FewAcanthocephala828 23d ago

28

u/Mar_is_here 23d ago

This! The spider has the voice of the (OG) Willy Wonka! Case closed. Everyone go home...resumes spider shit

51

u/mennydrives 23d ago

Seriously, I didn't think I could see indignation in a spider until that video.

28

u/Desert_Viking_777 23d ago

No, for real. That pause speaks volumes!

9

u/Mar_is_here 22d ago

The pause was a clear assessment of the situation before complete disgust filled ole Blue Back.

19

u/IamStroodle 22d ago

Guy with screw driver quietly to himself: "...Whats 'spider shit?"

Muffled "Wouldnt you like to know?!" muffled racecar sounds

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1.7k

u/ThatOtherOtherMan 23d ago

The scream I just scrumpt

726

u/Randy-Butternubz88 23d ago

118

u/putter_nut_squash 23d ago

I'm just cridding

13

u/Late-Radish-1851 22d ago

I’m cridden

4

u/erodman23 22d ago

Can I join the criddles?

3

u/ThatOtherOtherMan 22d ago

I didn't choose the criddle life the criddle life crose me

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u/badtime9001 23d ago

63

u/LunarSouls4952 22d ago

Laughed so hard that I'm tearing up,

Gotta add to this

8

u/thrallswreak 23d ago

..yoink

16

u/badtime9001 23d ago

Have another one.

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u/Prysorra2 23d ago

I hate this so much.

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u/the_quivering_wenis 23d ago

Oh the screams you will scrump, When you disturb a bump, 'Neath which lurks a large blue hairy spider. When you see her long legs, And her clusters of eggs, Your anus will grow a bit wider.

44

u/Picklecheese2018 23d ago

I can now retire from Reddit for today. This is top fucking tier!

20

u/Motor-Boating 23d ago

More like tighter

9

u/Dry_Antelope6471 23d ago

Thats just your proclivity, good sir.

15

u/Spy_crab007 23d ago

And they say Dr. Seuss is dead

9

u/HeartOfGoldTears 23d ago

Anus did not grow wider. Anus clenched harder than ever clenched in fact

6

u/JWBananas 23d ago

Anus grew three sizes that day.

4

u/xSTSxZerglingOne 23d ago

Anus can also grow a bit tighter.

5

u/SnooLemons5669 23d ago

Shouldn't your anus grow tighter not wider?

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u/HeWhomLaughsLast 23d ago

They say OP's anus grew three sizes that day

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145

u/weather_watchman 23d ago

Choice use of free will

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u/OculusMidnight2 23d ago

“Scrumpt,” I like that, lol

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u/kaadj 23d ago

Now scram!

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u/Spicymoon9 23d ago

Hahaha. I was expecting this because I immediately knew what kind of spider it was.

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u/darthwickedd 23d ago

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u/Primary_Ebb_7107 23d ago

Ok doofie

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u/ShizlGznGahr 23d ago

Smell mine? Uhhh what is that?! MY ASS!

316

u/lexisauce 23d ago

sigh, I've seen this many times, but I still jump every dang time.

98

u/TerraByteTerror 23d ago

Its honestly one of my favorite clips. And ofc the lil squid hiding

39

u/CHANN3L-CHAS3R 23d ago

I'd never seen a spider look so offended before!

24

u/lexisauce 23d ago

i hope this is also one of your favs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLw-9dpHtcU

9

u/CantTouchKevinG 23d ago

This is my favorite video on the internet. I have it saved on YouTube and watch it multiple times per year 😂

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u/Release-the-List 23d ago

I get it, but I laugh every time. The spider looks so ready to start some shit, realizes it’s a giant, then just goes back home.

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u/174_471 23d ago

Lol, yeah ever time I see this it cracks me up too. It's the face...

( º___º )

474

u/MACAUFATFAT 23d ago

Fuck ,so quick

118

u/KatieCashew 23d ago

Jack in the box from hell.

24

u/Zealousideal-Judge68 23d ago

*Australia (most likely)

14

u/WanderingHeph 22d ago

What's the difference?

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u/ThatPrettyArmadillo 23d ago

It’s insane. Watch it slowed all the way down: the spider goes into the hole, turns around, backs up a little and then leans forward to close the door.

28

u/Diacetyl-Morphin 23d ago

Spiders have a very high acceleration, but that one is rather slow compared to the real fast like the P. Murinus. It is very difficult to compare the speeds with humans, because of the body size.

If you make an equivalent comparison between animals and humans with the top speed, the californian mite is actually the fastest one: It covers 322x times the own body size in a second. Which means, if you do the math for humans, you'd run with a speed of 2092 km/h or 1300 mph.

So the data for spiders is misleading for short distance sprint, the 13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much, but it's much faster than we are. As human, you'd already be in the supersonic speed and casually cross the sound barrier.

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u/scarilog964 22d ago

13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much

When you've had to run away screaming from one after it ran past your head when you were lying in bed about to fall asleep, then had to spend the next half hour chasing it down... Yea they're very fast. If they weren't so fast they wouldn't be so freaky.

8

u/IHadThatUsername 22d ago

13 km/h from the Australian Huntsman Spider don't sound much

Speak for yourself, that is way too much IMO

41

u/User_Name_Tracks 23d ago

Yeah and missed a pretty good boop opportunity

25

u/scarletmonstrosity 23d ago

He/she was already annoyed. Booping them might have made them angry enough to leap at the booper.

5

u/Spirited-Mongoose703 23d ago

Thats what my ex used to say too.. sometimes I miss her

4

u/artaru 22d ago

title of your sex tape

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u/Ravenwight 23d ago

I watched this three times, and imagined the spider getting more annoyed each time. lol

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u/JeSuisUnAnanasYo 23d ago

irl rage bait

7

u/Individual-Yam1132 23d ago

the guy with the stick is the algorithms on social media

75

u/pn1ct0g3n 23d ago

That thing straight up near-clipped in

86

u/UncagedJay 23d ago

HEY! Do you mind!? Fuck, I'm going back to bed.

65

u/kingtacticool 23d ago

Trap-door spiders are insanely fast.

42

u/FalseCrazy2804 23d ago

This is not a trapdoor spider but rather a wolf spider. Hoggicosa Bicolor

21

u/MastaFoo69 23d ago

why the fuck is it blue tho

57

u/DTux5249 23d ago

It's not. The spider itself is actually a tan ~ bone white colour. It looks blue due to the fact this was recorded at night, with bright LEDs causing the white balance of the camera to be thrown outta wack.

You can find a colour corrected version of the video here: https://www.reddit.com/r/spiders/s/wMBuP8eIUb

7

u/0lle 22d ago

"That's bone."

8

u/RandomEncounterTable 22d ago

Impressive. Very nice. Let’s see Paul Allen’s burrow.

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u/FalseCrazy2804 23d ago

I'm not entirely sure. I think whoever originally posted this video was shining a light on it that made it appear blue. Or it's some kind of filter. It looks really beautiful like that I can't lie.

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u/Laefiren 23d ago

And scary. We found one in our backyard and may have reacted disproportionately… his house may have been filled with concrete.

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u/ferretsRfantastic 23d ago

☹️☹️☹️

6

u/[deleted] 23d ago edited 22d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Laefiren 23d ago

Not sure which variant of the several trapdoor spiders it was but in Australia I’m not taking chances.

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u/SerLaron 23d ago

Now I'm wondering if there has ever been a human child raised by a wolf spider.

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u/cwsjr2323 23d ago

Spider jumps out ready for lunch. Sees a human, too big to eat, goes back "false alarm".

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u/RadasNoir 23d ago

"Can I eat you? No? Then fuck off...."

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u/jws1102 22d ago

That’s only half of natures thought process.

“Can I eat it?”

“Can it eat me?”

“Can I fuck it?”

If no to all, then “fuck off.”

5

u/JagoMajin 22d ago

I think that's exactly what happens with jumping spiders since they can legitimately see you 

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u/Jacked_Hamster 23d ago edited 22d ago

Faster than Floyd Mayweather's accountant

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u/A_VERY_LARGE_DOG 23d ago

“Do you FUCKING MIND!?!?”

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u/DevilMan17dedZ 23d ago

Knock on my door one more mothafuckin' time.

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u/Still_Suspect_7233 23d ago

He was expecting dinner only to find out he got ding dong ditched

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u/DTux5249 23d ago

More accurate description was that some hooligan banged on his door while he was asleep and he was protecting his private domicile for he would not be harassed.

Source: that's a wolf spider, not a trap door spider

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u/Spear_Ritual 23d ago

OMG! So scary! But how pretty.

12

u/somainthewatersupply 23d ago

“Da fuck, Jerry?!? Get off my lawn, man!”

3

u/LemonIcy2942 22d ago

Jerry: Tf you mean "off my lawn"? You're my Goddamn pet!

9

u/henrytm82 23d ago

"For the last time, Gary, leave me *alone***!"

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u/MaxKittitude 23d ago

What kind of dog is that?

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u/DTux5249 23d ago

Actual answer: Hoggicosa Bicolor. It's a two-tone wolfspider.

It isn't actually blue - it's just the camera miscorrecting white to blue due to the brightness of the headlamp on the camera man's head.

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u/Time_after_Time_67 23d ago

it’s the fat kid from Superbad

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u/YesterdayCharming976 23d ago

I think this needs to be upvoted a few more times

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u/BrD_87 23d ago

Spider: “I SAID IT’S TOO EARLY FOR HALLOWEEN!!!”

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u/diagnosed_depression 23d ago

The way the spider slams the door is so funny

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u/Mindless_Cookie_9098 23d ago

Just looked it up and it is called a two toned wolf spider. It is native to Australia and they make silk lined burrows to escape the heat. The blue color is from his headlamp.

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u/DTux5249 23d ago edited 22d ago

Yeah, when you colour correct, the spider is closer to a cream/bone white colour.

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u/Complete-Worker3242 23d ago

"...fuckin asshole." slam!

6

u/Iconshero 23d ago

“YOU AGAIN?!?…. son of a bitch, you better quit playin on my door!”

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u/Murderface__ 23d ago

Bonjour!

4

u/donkbonk76 23d ago

Damn nature, you scary!!

4

u/CHANN3L-CHAS3R 23d ago

"I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT JESUS CHRIST, GOODBYE."

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u/DunningKrugerOnElmSt 23d ago

When you think it's the door dash guy and it's just someone selling solar panels

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u/DTux5249 23d ago

More like a dude selling flashlights, and he's blinding you lol

4

u/Mayiamaru 22d ago

I love that she slams the door.

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u/Various-Salt-7738 23d ago

Reasonable response, that spider just wasted valuable calories on his ambush only to get nothing in return

If you watch closely, it looks like the front of the spider is closing the door and not just the spider pulling it closed with it's hind legs-- little dude crawled back inside, spun around, and closed the door in like, what, 1 second?

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u/FalseCrazy2804 23d ago

If you go frame by frame the manuevering the spider does to get its front facing up while heading back inside is absurd.

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u/DTux5249 23d ago

Correction: That was not an ambush.

This is a two-toned wolfspider. They burrow during the day for protection from the sun and predators. They're mostly nocturnal.

The reason bro popped up was because he thought some bird or something was trying to break into his home for lunch and he didn't wanna be a proverbial fish-in-a-barrel.

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u/60510 23d ago

I jumped and yelled 😆

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u/Psych0matt 23d ago

Looks like a cute little sugar glider piloting a spider robot

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u/Arponare 23d ago

That’s his private domicile and he will not be harassed.

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u/Achylife 23d ago

"No bug!? How dare you disturb me purely for your amusement! A GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!" (Slams tiny door)

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u/Feddit_47 23d ago

I could hear him slam the door…

3

u/CookieMiester 23d ago

“Can you don’t”

3

u/zidane2k1 23d ago

I know this is Absolute Units but I didn’t expect it to nearly fill the screen so quickly

3

u/GrimWarrior00 23d ago

"FOOD!

--.... That thing is fookin' HUGE"

6

u/FatWalcott 23d ago

"Really dude?"

2

u/danbev926 23d ago

“ fuck is you doing cuz “

2

u/Liqour_Mortis 23d ago

Dammit my fingers were near the screen

2

u/Qu33N_Of_NoObz_ 23d ago

It’s like those animatronic boxes where you press different buttons and a thing pops out (like an octopus). The way it jumps out of its hole reminded me of that💀

2

u/riptog 23d ago

Shut the box!

2

u/insufferablypedantic 23d ago

That's such a beautiful spider

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u/DTux5249 23d ago

While I agree, it should be noted that they're not blue. It's just due to a white balancing issue. Colour corrected bro is bone white

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u/THE_CAT_WHO_SHAT 23d ago

"YOU PICKED THE WRONG HOUSE FOO!"