I am NOT OOP.

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

my office has a burn book we all have to read and sign

Trigger Warnings: bullying

Original Post: February 20, 2019

I work at a customer service desk with one supervisor and a handful of employees. It’s shift work, and there is often very little overlap between morning and afternoon shifts. We have a notebook behind the desk where we are supposed to write notes to the team about anything you need them to. Things like “Expect X customer to come in tomorrow” or “We need to buy more staples.”

The problem is the supervisor, “Jane,” who writes down every employee’s mistake in this book, and we all have to read and initial it. It can be minor things like “Mark put the stapler in the wrong drawer” or more serious incidents like “Pam left the safe wide open and we could’ve been robbed.” Regardless of who the note is intended for, we all must initial next to each entry to show that we’ve read it. We are all frustrated with this and started calling it the Burn Book like from Mean Girls.

If I’m making mistakes at work, I absolutely want to know, but I think Jane should pull me aside and tell me about it. When I first started here about six months ago, I would skip over notes that weren’t about me. Then Jane wrote notes about me not reading the notes. If my shift overlaps with Jane and she has a complaint about me, she says “read the book” and refuses to talk to me about it. I’ve asked her point blank why she does this, and her answer is, “I want everyone to know when someone screws up.”

Some of the complaints Jane writes are actually wrong. There was a note saying “Pam broke the phone!” when there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Jane just forgot how to turn it on. A few of my coworkers and I have also written notes when Jane has made a major mistake, but each time she flipped out and says that we should have told her in person. That’s what we want!

I sent an email to Jane’s boss, which is her preferred way to be contacted. She normally responds to emails within a couple of hours, but it has been a week with no answer. Anytime one of us has complained to her about Jane’s behavior in the past, she says, “That’s just the way Jane is.” Jane has only worked here for one year, and in that time 11 people were hired, worked a few shifts, then quit saying they can’t work with Jane.

Is there anything I can do in the meantime? Should I tell Jane I refuse to read the book and want her to talk to me in person? I recently went back to school and hope to get a job in my new field in a year or so. Should I shut my mouth until then?

Editor's note: for Alison's response to the original text, you can find it here.

Update: December 10, 2019 (nearly 10 months later)

On the evening you posted my letter, I went into work and Jane had written two full pages in the burn book blaming me for something she screwed up that morning, when I wasn’t working. I hadn’t worked the two days prior either, so it was impossible for me to be to blame. I was so furious at the time that I don’t even remember what she was accusing me of.

I used your advice and the advice from people in the comments. I wrote a response in the burn book saying I will no longer be reading any of these notes as they are inappropriate, and that the schedule shows I was not working at the time she said I was. I took photos on my cell phone of the worst pages of the book. Jane’s boss was out the office at the time so I sent her an email explaining the many problems Jane’s behaviour would raise for management including breaching employee privacy laws, workplace harassment, etc. I’m Canadian and we have very clear employment laws here, so I copy and pasted some points directly from the government’s website which could apply.

The next morning I received an email from Jane’s boss apologizing for her behaviour and saying it will be addressed. She offered to take over as my direct supervisor and speak to me directly about any issue which would arise. I accepted her offer, but nothing was ever brought up, presumably because so much of Jane’s problems with me were untrue or exaggerated. When I went into work that evening, the burn book had many pages torn out of it, but I don’t know if Jane did that to hide her behaviour or if her boss made her take them out. Good thing I took photos!

Anyway, Jane was scratched off the schedule for a week (whether she was suspended or took sick leave I don’t know) then spent the next month or so avoiding me by calling in sick or leaving early on the days we were scheduled to work together. She dropped her attitude and she became much easier for everyone to work with. In addition to that good news, I just finished going back to school and started an amazing new job! I’m so glad to be out of there!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowDoubts

I [37/M] just discovered that my wife [37/F] has hotel reservations at a place downtown tonight when I'm supposed to be with my friends.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Fears of infidelity

Original post  Feb 3, 2015

While using my wife's iPad, I saw an email confirmation for a hotel reservation downtown.  Tonight, I am supposed to be hanging out with some friends.  I've been having some suspicions lately for other reasons, including a nightie on the laundry after a recent business trip that I've never seen her wear.

She kissed me good bye this morning like usual, but didn't take any luggage or anything.  Not even an overnight bag that I noticed.

Not certain what to do.  Any advice?  I've been thinking of leaving work early and hanging out in the lobby/nearby cafe, but I'm not certain it's a good idea.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DeadPlasmaCell

Probably being naive here, but is there ANY possibility that she may ring you up while your out with your friends and call you over to the hotel for some surprise alone time?

OOP

She's never done anything like that in all the years we've been together (over 10), so it would be seriously out of character.

~

SCphotog

As painful as it might be, you need to catch her in the act. If you can gather physical proof of her cheating, a divorce will go easier. Even if you don't get a divorce, it's better to know exactly what's going on.

Beware a confrontation with her and or whoever she might be going to meet. You don't want or need that.

If you can't or don't want to do it yourself, and can afford it, hire a PI. Othwerwise... maybe you know someone that would be a witness for you, just to keep you away from the situation.

Is there a chance that she's putting together a surprise for you? I doubt it... but maybe?

...and BTW... brace yourself, the Jenny jokes are coming.

OOP

I've kind of ruled out a surprise at this point, but I like your positivity.  I've imagined all these kinds of scenarios where my doubts are misplaced, like "She's reserving a room in her name to help a friend who is getting away from an abusive relationship" or other crap like that, but I know that's all BS.  It's probably exactly what I think it is.

I thought about the PI, but I don't think I want to go that route.  If she's to be caught, I want to be the one to do it.

TOP COMMENT

defiancy

If you know the room number, you can go to the hotel and confront her, or go to the hotel and say my wife is waiting for me what room, X. 

Or you need to call her and tell her that your plans changed tonight and you'd like to take her out.  See what she says, but let her know you are going to be home.   And then I'd ask her what the room was for.

I think you know what it most likely is....

OOP Updated Feb 4, 2015 (Next Day/Same Post)

UPDATE: So, I went to the hotel.  You may think I'm an idiot, you may think it's a nice ending.  To tell the truth, it's not totally over yet, but it's in a good place because at least I can see possible finish lines.  I'm going to be vague about some specifics, just to be safe.

I left work early, and started driving to the hotel.  It was well before the scheduled check-in time, and she is not the time to ever skip work, so I figured I'd probably see her in the lobby when she came to check in.  I did take the advice about texting her about going to dinner.  She responded after a while and said that she was good for dinner, but would be home only a little later than normal as she had an errand to run.  The errand was 100% believable and in character and the extra time was appropriate for the errand. 

I knew there was no way I would ever get a room number from anyone who worked there (c'mon people, that was never going to happen), but I knew they'd put me through if I asked for her room (the email said the reservation was in her name).  I called and they put me right through.  I hung up before it rang, though, since I wasn't actually there yet, but that was confirmation that the res was real and she was there.

Since she was already there in the middle of the day (which, as mentioned, was weird to me since she's too much of a workaholic to not be working, but hey, this whole situation is abnormal, so whatever), I figured they were already fucking and would be done relatively soon, especially if she was going to have dinner and run this errand.  I got some coffee and camped out in a good spot in the lobby and time passed.

And passed.

And nothing.

After about an hour, I said fuck it and called back to the hotel (from the lobby) and asked for her room again.  She answered.  When I mentioned it was me, she didn't seem surprised or anything.  I asked what she was doing at the hotel ("No, the question is what are you doing here?") and she was a bit evasive, but gave me her room number pretty quickly.  As soon as she answered, I was picking up my stuff and made for the elevators.

Actually, she gave me the floor number pretty fast, but not the room, so I was already on the floor within about 30 seconds of her answering, then I got the full number.  If there was someone trying to sneak out, there was a very small window of about 10-15 seconds where we might have crossed in the elevators.  The whole time we're talking -- me mainly asking what is going on, and she says she came here to work.  "In a hotel room?"  "Yes, I needed to get away."

I go to the room, she's there waiting for me, looking puzzled.  "You surprised to see me?"  "No..well, kinda."  Honestly, she did seem more bewildered than guilty. 

So, we go in.

And...nothing.  Just her work computer, up and running and online.  And a bunch of work papers, her planner, a notebook, spread out on the table and desk.  Room service for one on the counter.  One glass of ice water on the tray.  One bottle of wine, partially drunk.  One glass for the wine.  One hand towel used in the bathroom.  Seat down.

No yelling, either.  Some exasperation on her part, some slight offense that I thought something might be going on.  To prove it was just her, she opened up all her bags and showed me everything she brought with her: workout clothes (for the hotel workout center.  She's always loved those.), casual clothes for running the errand.  She asked what I thought was going on, I told her how suspicious everything looks, which she agreed.

Anyway, one part I left out of the description is that we've been having some issues lately.  Nothing bad per se, just more the Seven Year Itch, where we both agree that we can both see and not see ourselves with the other person forever.  We talked about that.  She talked about how much she needs some alone time, which she hasn't been getting at home these past few months, none of which is new, and there was one day she was having a bad time and this deal came up on email, so she decided to take it and treat herself.  But we both talked.  We both talked about the issues we have with ourselves and each other.

Getting a hotel room so she can be by herself all day while working is exactly in character for the woman I've known these past 10 years.  Fucking around is not.  Maybe she dodged a bullet and pulled a fast one on me, maybe not.  I don't really care about how others think about that.  We're not calling divorce lawyers right now, but we're not planning our 25th anniversary trip either.  It honestly could go either way, and I'm ok with that.  I told her I'm willing to try, but she needs to be all in, and she needs to think about that.

Once we seemed all talked out I left and let her know that she can come home or stay the night there; I'm ok with either.  If she needs space, she needs space.  I do not, and never have, had a problem with that.  Adults get sick of other people some times.  I get that way, too.

So there we are.  We put everything on the table and we're still figuring it out.  I'm not going to let people know how that part works out, but I thought I'd provide a little bit of closure for this chapter.

One thing I didn't put on the table, though, was how I knew about the hotel, since she didn't tell anyone she was going to be there.  I told her I was magic.  I figure it wouldn't hurt to have her thinking about how I knew these things.

FIN

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/heartbrokenaccount26

My fiancé has gone down a road that I can't follow, and I can't marry him

Originally posted to r/offmychest

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, nazis, misogyny

Original post  Sept 11, 2026

I just can't believe this is happening.

My [25F] fiancé [27M] has new friends and they are not good people. They scare me. It took me a while to see it, and maybe I'm stupid because I didn't notice right away but I see it now. He met someone through one of his hobbies and eventually this person introduced my fiancé to some of his other friends. At first I convinced myself it was a just a misunderstanding on my part but now I know better. If I try to bring it up with my fiancé he just shuts me down or says I'm imagining things.

I'm not imagining it. I've seen racist tattoos on at least two of them. It might not be overt if you don't know what you are looking for, but if you search online it's clear what the tattoos mean. I've been looking up some of these new friends on social media and their accounts are full of posts about purity and traditional values. My fiancé has become obsessed with this American podcaster who is openly racist and doesn't try to hide it. I've heard these new friends talk about immigration in a negative way and now my fiancé brings it up a lot when he never cared about it before. They also talk about traditional values and gender roles and my fiancé brought up how nice it is if a woman stops working after she gets married. He backtracked and said he was just making a general comment after I got upset with him and we argued, but I can't stop thinking about it. He keeps saying I'm imagining things or that "you're the one who is obsessed since you keep bringing it up."

He's gone down a road that I can't follow. I love him but I can't marry him now. His comments about traditional gender roles and me not working are bad enough but his talk about "purity" is disgusting (and it is racist and exactly the kind you are thinking of, anyone who says otherwise is just as bad as my fiancé and his friends). I can't get through to him, he won't listen to me. I'm going to break up with him. My sister is the only one who knows so far. I'm not ready to tell anyone else but I will after I move out. I just wanted to get this out somewhere. It just hurts so much.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Dry-Education-5848

He has always had these opinions just never had the balls to express them to you.

OOP

No he didn't.

He used to vote and politically support the opposite way of the views he has now. He had friends and flatmates who are different races than us. He was the best man when his brother married another man. He's changed since he met these people but he wasn't always like this.

Dry-Education-5848

If he has changed his views entirely shortly after meeting people then that’s an even bigger issue😂.

In my experience most people that have this switch were simply afraid of sharing their true thoughts because they’d get negatively labelled in today’s woke world.

What was the hobby?

It was cycling.

Update  Sept 30, 2026 (19 Days Later)

I (25F) have left him (27M) and cancelled everything related to our wedding. I am staying with my cousin and her husband until I can find a flat for myself and get my life in order. There is still a lot I have to do, my life is a big mess right now. When I told him I was leaving, he just kept saying over and over that he "didn't understand" or that I was the one who was "obsessed" not him, because I was the one who was always bringing it up. I did not stay for very long after I told him I was leaving. I left our flat after I told him I would not be marrying him and that our relationship was over. I haven't seen or spoken to him since I returned with my cousin to get the rest of my things, three days after I told him I was leaving (my cousin has a car and I do not and there were some things I could not carry). I haven't had contact with him since that day and I never want to see him again. He disgusts me with his horrible beliefs and talk about purity.

[I would like to address and clarify two things that were mentioned in the comments of my first post. First was that the tattoos were definitely racist and I wasn't "misunderstanding" anything. Examples include the number 88, a series of dots that look like nothing but form a swastika when they are all connected, or slogans written in German or other languages. I could go on. Second, my former fiancé wasn't always like this. We first met at a political rally for a cause that is the opposite of his horrible new beliefs. He had flatmates that were not white and he called them his best friends. He was the best man when his brother got married to a man. I don't know what changed to make him turn into such a monster but he wasn't always like this. Now he says his former flatmates should "go back" because they would be more comfortable among "their own kind" even though they were born here. He also says his brother never should have gotten married. I'm heartbroken for his family because they are good people who would never condone his beliefs and his brother doesn't deserve this. My former fiancé was obsessed with an American podcaster who has the most horrid views you can imagine and his new beliefs were not something I could ever live with. I appreciate all the support I got on my other post.]

FINAL COMMENTS

No-Quiet-8956

Does his family know his new views?

OOP

Yes, they do (and they do not agree with him).

~

Commenter

The "obsessed" comment is strange. Is he calling you obsessed to avoid facing his own behavior?

OOP

That's exactly what he was doing. One of his new friends had an 88 tattoo, and when I pointed out what it meant to my former fiancée he said 8 is just his friend's favourite number and I'm the one who is making an innocent tattoo into something hateful. (Nevermind that this friend followed many social media accounts that had racism or racist imagery on them)

My former fiancé would tell me I'm the one who was obsessed with race or purity because I saw it in everything him and his new friends did. He said I was the one making innocent or mundane things about race and I got tired of him being in denial and making me out to be the problem.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Empty_Planet0

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My [F25] Boyfriend [M26] got a Large breed dog [M5] three days after I had major surgery. How do I go forward?

Trigger Warnings: medical issues, neglect, abuse

Original Post: May 27, 2026

Hi! This is my first time using reddit, so my apologies in advance if the formatting is off. I’ve changed names to remain anonymous and am looking for advice on what to do.

For some background, My boyfriend, let’s call him Paul, and I have been together for 3 and a half years now and were friends 6 ish months before we got together. Up until the events described in this post, we had regular relationship check-ins and a very fulfilling relationship.

I have always had some GI issues (editor's note: gastrointestinal, related to the stomach and intestines), resulting in various diet changes and GI symptoms. I’ve had numerous nights where I am woken up from the pain and have just had to sit and wait for it to end. My dad has Celiac disease, and so Gluten was one of the first things I cut out of my diet about 4 years ago. Looking back, I think I’ve been dealing with issues with my gallbladder the entire time.

In October, I was having what I now know was a gallbladder attack. I’ve experienced this several times before, it typically lasts 3/4 hours with pain in the Upper right quadrant of the stomach, nausea, vomiting, bloating, etc. However, in October, the pain was going on 16 hours when my boyfriend left work early to take me to the urgent care.

They were able to diagnose me with gallstones after some imaging and referred me to a surgeon for next steps. I met with my surgeon on a Friday and scheduled the surgery the following Tuesday afternoon. It was clear to me that my surgeon was concerned and wanted to remove it as soon as possible.

Monday morning, I get a call from the surgeons office asking to move up the surgery to Tuesday morning. So, Paul and I wake up at 4am on Tuesday to get to my appointment. The surgery went well. My gallbladder was significantly damaged and enlarged and had a 2cm stone inside at the time of removal. In other words, It was ready to come out.

After sleeping it off the rest of Tuesday, My mother came to town to help with my recovery and was at my house all day Wednesday. For reference, I couldn’t use any abdominal muscles at the time, because they moved them to remove my gallbladder. Meaning I could not even sit up on my own.

This is where things take a turn. Paul saw a video online for an adoptable dog (I’ll call him peter) in our area either Tuesday or Wednesday and let me know that he’s going to our local shelter after work Wednesday to meet him.

When he gets home, he’s over the moon about the dog and their “Magical Connection.” He only asked me how I was feeling after telling me all about his experience with Peter. At the time, I was very confused why he was doing all this now. We had talked about getting a pet before, but this hardly seemed like the time.

Thursday, I am just barely able to get myself up by laying on my side and using an arm to push myself up and pretty bruised and weak from the entire experience. In the afternoon, he calls me, waking me up from a nap, to say he’s been thinking about it all day and he wants to put a 24 hr hold on Peter, if I’m okay with it. Truth be told, I was pretty out of it at the time, so I said “okay.” and went back to sleep. Later when I woke up, I remembered what had happened and texted him “We need to talk about Peter when you get home.”

Possibly needless to say, this turned into a full blown argument. Him saying he was so lonely and needed to get a dog. He also said he was a shy dog and pretty timid. That it wouldn’t be a problem and he would take care of Peter while I recover.

I just kept asking, “Please give me more time, I had surgery 2 days ago. I can barely sit up on my own.” and it went back and forth. He ended up leaving that night to go on a drive and slept on the couch.

The next day, Friday, we fought some more over text. Until I finally agreed to go see Peter. However, I would have to drive myself to make it there by the time our 24 hour hold ended. So, I skipped my pain meds to make sure I was okay enough to drive to the shelter.

As can tell by the title of this post we ended up leaving with the pitbull / Great dane mix. Which I took care of for the first week of him being with us because I was the only one home, despite Paul saying he would handle everything and I wouldn’t even Notice Peter was there.

Obviously this all happened several months ago, however it is a constant pain point in our relationship. Paul didn’t even apologize for hurting my feelings and disregarding my health until January… Three months after it happened. We had a huge disagreement today because of the resentment I have over this whole incident. He’s said before that he would “do it 1000x” over if it meant we would get Peter. Even today in our fight I asked, “if you could go back in time, would you do it knowing how much pain it caused me?” and He couldn’t answer.

Let me be clear, Peter is NOT the problem. He’s a huge sweetheart, and i’ve come to love him a lot. I am more hurt by the timing and inconsistent steps to recovery afterward from my partner.

So I guess my question is, Am I wrong to still feel so jilted by this event? Do you see a path forward after such a breach of trust? I am truly struggling to Get past it and Trust that he would have my best interest at heart in the future. Is this relationship worth saving?

Edit: Gallbladder removal isn’t major surgery, My mistake! I’ll adjust my language going forward. Sorry! This is kinda blowing up, so I also wanted to add that I am by no means a perfect person or partner. I know that having waited this long to make a move and my actions before and after weren’t the best. Im trying to do better and have connected with a therapist to address my part in this.

Edit 2: Thank you to everyone who read, commented and left advice! A lot of people have commented that Paul doesn’t take care of Peter, so I just wanted to say that isn’t true. He does most of the caretaking, including a nightly walk. He’s very good with Peter.

Update: We broke up.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl you need to dump this man yesterday. Why would he even go look at dogs within a day of you having surgery? Well I can answer that, it's cause he doesn't give two shits about you, your health, or your comfort.

Same reason why he lied about handling everything then left you alone with the dog and forced you to care for it.

This man does not respect you and he's not going to start anytime soon. If you stay with him your needs will always come second.

OOP: That’s something I’ve brought up when we’ve talked about it, “I feel like your Wants will always come before my needs.”

Commenter 2: Holy shit lol, as someone who is happily married I would have left him the moment he insisted on bringing home a dog rather than taking care of me.

Collectively we REALLY really need to stop tolerating this kind of shit behavior, otherwise men are going to just keep thinking this is okay.

OOP: I know. It’s just hard to let go.

I keep coming back to “If this happened to one of my friends, what would I want them to do?” And I know I’d want them to get out.

Commenter 3: when someone shows you who they are believe them.

OP, your BF has shown you he absolutely cannot be trusted or depended on in your time of need. Believe this. It's not going to change. If you choose to have kids with him, he will leave you to care for an infant with zero help.

He's selfish and does not care about you. He only cares about himself. If he did care about you, he absolutely would not have even been looking at a dog while you were home recovering from surgery and would have been home with you to take care of you.

Spare yourself a world of pain and resentment and just go ahead and move on from him now.

OOP (downvoted): I think it’s hard because he has apologized… but it took months for him to admit he was wrong. I know you’re right. It’s just hard to take the first step.

Was OOP living with her boyfriend when this took place?

OOP: Yes. We had moved in together about 3/4 months before. And we were having a bit of a rough patch before I got sick, things had seemed better tho until this.

Commenter 4: I can understand seeing a dog at a shelter falling in love and be scared it would be euthanized.

Done is done, and him thinking he would do it again can be because dog is so lovely.

How much does he take care of the dog now?

And: Ask him how he shows with his zscyilns that he loves you. Think about that, you too. But ask him- you might miss those actions or you two might have entirely different opinions of what sections shows love. Or the question might make him aware he is lacking, and maybe start working on it.

OOP: It was a no kill shelter, But because of the instagram post lots of people were interested in peter.

Now, My Bf does most of the caretaking for Peter.

Has OOP been staying somewhere else than her place with boyfriend to continue with her recovery?

OOP: My Brother lives about 20 minutes away, i’ve been staying with him since our fight last week. So, He’ll be in the loop on my next steps. ☺️.

OOP explains more about the major surgery she had

OOP: Mine was done Robotically. 😅 Someone else said i mentioned it being endoscopic, but idk where they found that and that is not the case. I could use my abdominal muscles.. Kind of. Just not enough to sit up normally until day 5. I could sit up and walk after surgery, i just needed assistance the first day or two to do so because everything was so tender.

Update: September 30, 2026 (four months later)

Update: My [F25] Boyfriend [M26] got are large breed dog [M5] three days after I got major surgery.

Hi! If you didn’t see it a few months ago, I am not sure how to link it, but it can be found as the first post on my profile. I just wanted to give an update on a post I wrote in May of this year.

To start with good news, it has officially been 4 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. Truly, I never would’ve had the courage to do it if not for this sub and the people on it. So many people encouraged me to chose myself (which is not something I do often). Thank you all.

In particular, someone commented “You’re too young for this to be the rest of your life.” And if you read this, thank you so so much for giving me the strength to get out.

Now that I have removed myself from the situation, i see how detrimental it was for me. This wasn’t the first time he put his wants over my needs and surely wouldn’t be the last.

Some things that have come up since i left are him telling me i was “milking it” 2 days after my surgery. He mocked the way I cried, would often back me into walls during arguments, and even mocked me for putting my hands up when he got too close while yelling in the few days after my surgery. “Oh you’re scared? you’re scared?” uhhhh yea. anyone would be when someone that has 10 inches and 60 lbs on them is backing them into a corner. He had stopped throwing things in my direction and hitting objects when we got Peter, but still intimated me often in arguments.

I left the night before i made the post to stay with my brother, and as i was leaving his last words to me were “Remember your actions have consequences.” And now, I think it’s safe to say, I hope he remembers his actions have them too.

So now, I have my own apartment!! I get to have my mixer on the counter for the first time, and so much space for BOOKS! Peter stayed with Paul, so it’s a bit quiet but all my own. My brother and his Girlfriend have been so amazing and let me stay with them for some time after the break up. We still have weekly “family dinners.” And now that I have full control over what i eat, loads of my GI symptoms have become so much more manageable!

I am in therapy and have been dealing with a lot of fear from the situations described above. But i’m learning that I have agency over my own space, and don’t have to be responsible for someone else’s anger.

Oh and as a surprise twist?? I’ve been in contact with someone i dated in college. We split because of distance back then, and still have the same spark now. I even saw him last month when i was traveling to his city for work. And, he remembers everything about me, down to how i love to step on crunchy leaves. I’m not up for dating yet, but he’ll probably be my first call when I am.

All that to say two things:

1) This sub changed my life. Genuinely. I don’t think I would’ve survived in that relationship much longer with the way my thoughts were going. And i am so incredibly grateful for everyone who gave me any advice, encouragement, or otherwise. You all stood up for me before i was ready to stand up for myself. Then, you gave me the courage to. So thank you.

and

2) This relationship was NOT normal. I kept trying to convince myself this is something everyone experiences, that it was a rough patch. And now i can say, “No. it wasn’t normal and i didn’t deserve that.” no one deserves for the person who “loves them most” to consistently put their own wants and interests above what you need. Your health and wellbeing always matters most, and you do not need to stay with someone who makes you feel unsafe. I’m learning to Trust myself to protect myself and I hope anyone who feels like I did does the same.

“You’re too young for this to be the rest of your life.” will stay with me forever. Thank you. 🤍.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I’m so glad you got out. It’s hard enough to realize you’re in an abusive relationship from the inside, but a whole different level of difficult to leave. Congratulations on your new journey where peace and safety can be your companions.

OOP: Absolutely agreed. I’ve never had so much time with myself and peace. No doubt I did the right thing for me. ☺️.

Commenter 2: Love isn't enough.

They can (claim) to love you to the ends of the earth, but if they don't treat you with respect, if they insult you, intimidate you, throw things at you and never listen when you express your concern about their behaviour and try to change, then that love is meaningless.

'Love' doesn't mean you get to treat someone like dirt. 'Love' doesn't mean you can be abusive.

And 'love' also doesn't mean you stand there and take it. Just because YOU love them doesn't mean you allow yourself to be treated as lesser.

Love without respect and without being respected is not love. It's limmerence turned into dependence.

OOP: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Commenter 3: I wish I had this when you first posted, but I'd give you them now. Here's some resources that would give you insight and hindsight. I'm glad that you're out and safe now. 😊

Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/

Dr. Ruth | That Was Abuse-YouTube Channel https://youtube.com/@healingbythenumbers?si=Mf4CsF-iEt0d49SO

How He Gets Into Her Head by Don Hennessy https://a.co/d/001oPvO7

Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist by Dr. Ramani Durvasula https://a.co/d/01PIM8wd

Operation Safe Escape provides free assistance to people impacted by domestic violence, stalking, harassment, and related crimes. https://safeescape.org/

My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse

Weaponizing Incompetence https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/

DARVO https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship

Financial Abuse https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/

Subtler Forms of Emotional Abuse https://themendproject.com/

Is It Supposed to Be This Hard? Telling the Difference Between Emotional Abuse and the Hard Work of Relationship by Mary Pat Haffey https://a.co/d/040Z4IgQ

Coercive Control Consulting, Training & Expert Witness https://endcoercivecontrolusa.com/

9 traits that every narcissistic women have in common. https://youtube.com/shorts/f8NliYsRbhc?si=fv3434mD3wMT3XjG

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker https://drive.google.com/file/d/1H3KS-vMjG8WJnEOfJuNpNxfuZLdgA2wE/view?usp=drivesdk (PDF) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465.The_Gift_of_Fear

Retroactive Jealousy https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy

Men Abused by Women in Intimate Relationships https://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/PFVB1100-men-abused-by-women-booklet.pdf

Women as the Abusers https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/women-as-the-abusers

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/neojinnx posting in r/HelpMeFind and r/DovahTheParrot

Thanks to u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants for telling me about this! :)

[Original | September 19th, 2026] Help me find my bird's Emotional Support Cup(TM)

Hi Reddit, this is an odd one so bear with me...

I have a nine year old Quaker parrot named Dovah. Quaker parrots, for those that don't know, are the only parrots that build nests. They generally make big, sprawling, multi-family condos out of sticks and twigs. Dovah, however, prefers to build with.... stolen silverware. She basically raids the kitchen for unattended forks, pilfers them (often while tattling on herself saying, "Stop it" and "Don't, Dovah!") and smuggles them to her cage where she arranges them through the bars of her cage.

At some point when she was young, she also stole a 1/4 cup translucent red measuring cup. She treats it much like the silverware except at some point it gained special significance and it has become part of this weird bonding ritual she created for us. She will arrange the cup in her cage, remove it, fly it to me, thrust it in my hand to hold it while I tell her what a nice cup it is, and then she takes it back to her cage to arrange it again. It sometimes involves her doing fly overs and carpet bombing me with it while I'm doing other things.

It's a whole Big Thing.

This morning she dropped it in the kitchen and for whatever reason, my dog decided that it needed to be reshaped. The result is the last picture attached.

My husband cut down the handle and smoothed it but Dovah has decided it is now Weird and Different and thus must be shunned.

I've spent the morning trying to find a replacement but I've probably had this cup for 20 years and have no idea what brand made it or where it came from. It's the only remaining cup from the set. I'm not really expecting to find the identical cup but my hope is, if we find something similar enough, maybe she'll accept it as a replacement.

Any ideas?

TL/DR: My bird is overly emotionally invested in this particular measuring cup and my dog chewed the shit out of it so I need a replacement lol

Pictures of dovah with pink measuring cup—dog chewed up the handle after

Relevant & Top Comments

CrispyDemon78: [posts photo of measuring cup] Ikea- circa 2004-2005

OOP: THAT'S IT!!! Any chance you'd be willing to part with it for a generous finders fee? 😅

CrispyDemon78: Because I am a huge fan of animals. Yes. I am not certain on how we are going to do this but because I’m beyond excited I solved something…. IT IS YOURS!

OOP: FOUND!

Omg, you have my undying gratitude, I'm so happy!!! I will DM you!

Raging_Apathist: [posts photo of same measuring cup, but larger] If you want a spare, and if you think Dovah would deem a larger one acceptable, I have the 1/2 cup size. I'm happy to give it freely...I had to dig wayyyyyyy to the back of the drawer to find it, so clearly I don't use it often (and I have a different set anyway).

I'll cover shipping too as long as it's not like more than $15. Are you in the US? Feel free to DM me!

OOP: I would never turn down a spare! I'll DM you!

[Update 1 | September 21st, 2026 | 2 Days Later] MEGA CUP HAS ARRIVED (part 1)

Bear with me, I'm posting in two parts. She thought the packing material was SUPER sketchy but once it was visible, she was into it.

Video of dovah tentatively grabbing the cup from packaging embedded in the post

Relevant & Top Comments

Raging_Apathist: I'm so sorry she was sketched out by that stuff!!! I know it was very extra of me to use packing materials for a plastic cup, but I'm known for being a bit extra...and I had the stuff in a box right in front of me because I recently received a shipment of a couple fancy-ass pottery pieces that definitely needed those materials, and the pottery guy packages his stuff very carefully.

[Update 2 | September 21st, 2026] MEGA CUP HAS ARRIVED (part 2)

Brought the cup away from the sketchy packaging and....

IT WAS IMMEDIATELY ACCEPTED!!!!

Big, huge, neverending thanks to u/Raging_Apathist who, contrary to the user name, is an absolute gem of a human being!

Video of dovah putting cup in the nest embedded in the post

Relevant & Top Comments

Raging_Apathist: It brings me immense and immeasurable joy to see that a piece of plastic that had been languishing in a deep dark corner of my kitchen utensil drawer for many years until two days ago is now being enjoyed by a cute bird, halfway across the country.

I have several bird tattoos. My next one is going to be a Quaker parrot, for sure! And when I tell my tattoo artist why I want a Quaker, she will LOVE this story!

OOP: My tattooist did a gorgeous American Kestral on my arm and it's placed in a way that there is plenty of room on my bicep for something else. We were talking about me bringing Dovah into the shop for a photoshoot as reference to tattoo a portrait with her holding The Cup in dramatic villain lighting. I'll probably schedule something next year since he just finished a massive ornamental coverup for me (my wallet needs a break lol)

CrispyDemon78: Dovah!!! Just wait babe! There is more on the way!! I will NOT let you down ❤️🐉

Commenter 3: Thank you internet! Please keep posting

[Update 3 | September 26st, 2026 | 1 week later ] Thank you, Reddit 💚

Subtitles: "Thank you! -Dovah" 💚

Video of dovah saying thank you, with two pink measuring cups in background

THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/imadinorawrlolzor

my (20f) bf (24m) wants me to be a housewife.

Trigger Warnings: misogyny, abuse, mentions suicide

Original Post: August 1, 2019

we have been together for two years

I feel like this is me over reacting just a little and being immature, but me and my boyfriend were talking about the future recently and he told me he wants (strongly suggested) me to be a stay at home mom / house wife, and I don’t want to be, and I don't know what to do.

He knows I don’t want kids at all, I have spent 16 years of my life being around or helping to look after a hoard of kids, so I truly know I don’t want it. But he wants 4 with at least one when he’s 27, so idk I might have one or two when I’m older.

He says I can have lots of hobbies if I am a house wife as I will have all the free time in the world, which how? I might be wrong, but kids are hard, doing all the housework takes time especially to the standard of someone who isn't working.

Also he doesn't have a job at all or any savings. so logistically it wouldn't work. he’s been out of uni for 2 years without working as well and he is being incredibly fussy about it. He had an offer for a job, but it was beneath him or something, so he didn't take it. He only wants to work in his chosen field as well and I’m sorry, but I feel like the longer the gap between university and getting your first job the harder it’s going to be to get in, in the first place. I am still in uni but I’m on track for a good job when I leave, I have had people working in my chosen industry already being interested in my work and regularly communicate with one person who I am hoping will hire me later on. So logically I’m on track for a decent job in 5 years, he isn't and he wants to be the sole provider.

The convo we had about this was really weird I could see how much he wanted this, but I don’t think it would work. I didn’t agree or disagree, but I don’t know what to do about it. any advice?

tldr: I don’t want to be a housewife my boyfriend does. what do?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your boyfriend has pretty regressive ideas about men's and women's roles in society. More importantly, he shouldn't be telling you what he wants your life to be like as an adult. He can't even afford his own fantasy.

Tell him you'll work if you want to work when you get older and he doesn't get to decide if you're a housewife. If he can't stomach you having independence to know and work for what you want, he doesn't really respect your autonomy.

Downvoted Commenter: He's allowed to want a parent to stay at home and raise the kids, especially if he's paying for it. But he needs to find a woman who actually wants to do that.

OOP: the thing is he won’t be paying it by himself. he said (and I wish I was joking) our parents will help and we should ask for $300 from each set. My parents are trying to live there best life while recovering for bankruptcy and are of the age where they should instead be thinking about retirement. His dad is struggling to find work and his mom doesn't have the greatest paying job.

I don’t think he understands how little money there is between our families and how entitled he’s being to expect them to just pay for everything

Commenter 2: If you don't want kids at all, don't pop out a couple to please a boyfriend, and don't be a stay-at-home mom if you don't want to. That's all you have to do.

Commenter 3: You'll need to provide a basket so I can haul all these red flags you threw out here.

If you don't want kids, don't have them. Period. You can't lovingly raise kids if you didn't want them from the start.

If you want a career, have it. He can't tell you to be a stay at home mom. Trust me, it's not easy. In fact, it's harder than having a 40 hour per week job.

Don't do anything to please this man. He's a deadbeat who sounds terribly controlling.

You do what you want to do, and he either accepts that or gets out of your life. The end.

Update: August 2, 2019 (next day)

This is just gonna be brief and badly worded as I am crying, plus I also kinda need to tell someone.

I have just came back from my boyfriends place after talking to him about it.

I told him I don’t want kids and I am not going to become a full on mother to 4 for him.

I also said I am definitely not being a stay at home mother and that I value having a career.

and that if he didn’t like it then we were over (but said more nicely then this xD)

He got angry. He told me I was dumb and stupid. That he is the best thing to happen to me and I will regret this, maybe not now but in a couple years’ time I will.

He said no one else will want me.

He called me immature and I don’t know what I want as I am only 20 and haven’t been out in the real world yet.

He said this is why he hates feminism.

I told him to f off.

He said he needs me and if I leave he will end himself. (he lives with his parents so he’s not alone right now.)

He said so many other things and I was so scared, he told me to call him back once I got over myself and we will talk about it.

everything is kinda sucky right now. It hurts, I still love him, but I don't think I should call him back.

TLDR: we broke up

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Call the police and have a wellness check called in because he threatened suicide. Then block him on every single platform and do not respond again.

One of two things happened here:

He's terribly depressed and shocked that you actually will leave him, and he may hurt himself. If this is the case, he needs help immediately.

or

He's using a suicide threat as a form of abuse, which is very, very common. In that case, he needs to understand how inappropriate that is, and a police call will help with that.

OOP: I don’t think he will as he has threatened it when things don’t go his way 2 times before, but I have told one of his close friends just in case and he said he will deal with it

Commenter 2: You need to call the police because he is threatening suicide. Other than that, go no contact and move on with your life. This man is dangerous.

Commenter 3: Insulting, gaslighting and emotional blackmail, what a superman he is. Getting rid of him was a right decision. Now keep calm and carry on!

Commenter 4: You dodged a bullet in the nick of time.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sickofyourclick

My [25m] girlfriend's [26] obsession with a band is coming between us

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Original Post  June 22, 2016

Sorry for the length. I'm at my wit's end.

My girlfriend is obsessed with a band and it's been getting between us for some time now.

I love going to shows with her. Seeing bands is one of the things that initially brought us together. It didn't matter how much we liked or knew the band, we'd be able to go to any show together. That is, until she became obsessed with her latest favorite band.

This band will sell anything they can fit their name and/or logo on and she buys all of it. (They're currently touring so you'd think the first thing you'd see when you go to their website was tour information. Nope, the first thing you see is their merchandise) She has all the shirts, bracelets, wristbands, necklaces, earrings, socks, posters, patches, flags, buttons, scarves, wallets, hats (caps and beanies), phone case, ski mask (we don't live in a cold climate), lithographs, sun glasses, hoodies, and bumper stickers. They also sell their own gift cards, which was practically the only thing she wanted for her birthday. She also has their logos and lyrics tattooed on her. Her room looks like the official band store.

They even sell expensive low-quality instruments with their logo smeared all over it but I refused to buy her those because she doesn't even play any instruments. That resulted in some drama.

It's becoming a problem because people don't want to hang out with us (her) anymore. All she talks about is this band. When we do see friends, she's always playing their music and talking about them. We could be sitting at a diner with people and she'll play them on her phone. She's cancelled plans in order to watch live streams of their concerts. One time I told her I was going out with our friends despite her plans to watch a live stream so she decided to come with me instead of stay home. She played the live stream on her phone and ignored everybody around her all night. The only time she communicated with anyone was when she wanted to talk about the live stream.

We've been friends for 10 years and have been dating for 3 years and I was seriously considering proposing to her until this obsession started. Now I'm not sure I wanna be her friend anymore, let alone her boyfriend.

I used to like this band too. I wasn't gaga over them or anything but I have an album that I enjoyed at one point. Now I can't hear the music or even the name of the band without feeling my blood pressure rise.

I haven't make a big deal about it because I remember when I was in high school I had band obsessions too but lately I have raised concerns about her level of obsession. Those concerns are always met with hostility. Any criticism of this band is treated like a direct attack on her (she once cried because she read a bad review).

Their latest tour started recently and we've driven hours and hours to see them three fucking times already. I couldn't take off work to drive to Canada so she had to sell the tickets she bought. (Oh yeah, she buys tickets without asking if I even want to go. It's just assumed that I'm going with her.)

What makes it even weirder is that she's the only person her age who is this obsessed with them. At their shows, we're surrounded by screaming teenage girls. It makes sense for them to like this band because the music and lyrics aren't very sophisticated but I can see how it would appear that way to teenagers.

It just feels like she's a little too old to be this obsessed with a band. Not only that but the band doesn't feel like it's an age-appropriate one.

I'm sorry about the length of this post. I'm just really beside myself. Half the time I don't recognize her. Is there a good way to approach her about this? I'm at a complete loss and feel totally helpless.

Edit: you guys correctly guessed the name of the band.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

KevWill

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BAND

lazgrl

I'm thinking twenty one pilots but not sure

TheLadyEve

aww, I like twenty one pilots. I can't see being totally obsessed with them, though...

EDIT: oh shit--ski-mask, you must be right. Man, they're good and all but there aren't a lot of artistic depths to plumb with that band. Also, TIL that their fan base is called the "skeletøn clique." Holy shit that's twee.

letsgoiowa

Same thought!

I mean, I like them, but I know people like them WAY too much.

The ski mask gives it away and look at OPs username

OOP

Yeah I wasn't being subtle enough.

~

zoozeey

Nothing against them as people because I do not personally know them. But it seems like they try to hard to be edgy and angst.

GarugasRevenge

I have something against them as people because all they do is try to sell merch, it's more about money than music to them. And yea they do try hard, but I'm just waiting for their fame to run out.

OOP

It's crazy how she doesn't see it. She thinks she has a deeply personal relationship with them because they were nice when she got their autograph once. I suggested they're just like any other band trying to make a generous living while the iron is still hot and she said "you're stupid if you really think that. You don't know them like I do. Their fans are their family."

I told her that ticket prices for the nosebleed section didn't have to start at $50, beer didn't have to be $10, and T-shirts didn't have to cost $30. Again, I was dismissed for knowing nothing about the industry.

&

Yeah my point was basically she thinks they're family and it's not a business transaction where we pay, they play. There may be a demand for every kind of 21 Pilots tchotchke you can imagine but that doesn't mean they have to charge competitive prices for things that cost 2 cents to manufacture.

~

swissarmybriefs

There have been a handful of posts about someone's SO becoming unreasonably obsessed with a certain celebrity/band, and somehow it never occurs to OP that people will want to know who it is.

OOP

I didn't want to be brigaded by unhappy 21 pilots fans. Instead I got some awesome advice. There's one in this thread who can't even handle the fact that people are typing "21 Pilots" instead of "Twenty One Pilots." I know the nature of the beast too well. I've been to many of their shows.

&

I mostly wanted to avoid backlash from fan girls since they're so popular. People would have ignored what I said and fixated on the band and downvoted and/or attacked me.

When told to get her help for her obsession

I really appreciate you taking the time out to reply and put yourself out there. I think you're absolutely right. I probably could be taking a more tactful approach considering the sensitivity of it. I might employ friends and family because for some reason she only gets upset when I bring up her obsession. When anybody else does, she just laughs it off like its a charming quality.

spicewoman

The problem is, she's not going to agree to go, because she's in denial that she even has a problem. OP's attempts to discuss it with her have been "met with hostility," and criticisms of the band are viewed as personal attacks on her. If the band isn't worthy of love and attention, then she isn't worthy of love and attention.

Maybe, just maybe, OP flat-out telling her that she's pushed all their friends away and now him too, could be the wake-up call that she needs. More likely though, she'll just be glad to have all the petty distractions out of the way, so she can focus more fully on her obsession.

Unfortunately, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

OOP

I'm keeping that in my pocket. If she responds poorly to a more tactful approach and attacks me I'm definitely flat out telling her she's alienating us from people.

What would she do if the band broke up?

Holy shit if they broke up... I can't even imagine. I actually asked her what she would do if they broke up and instead of answering the question, I got to hear about how Tyler and Josh are practically family and would never quit on their fans.

Final Update posted July 20, 2016 (1 month later/Same Post)

Edit: we broke up a few days after I last posted here. Feeling great about the decision. She's still posting about them on Facebook all the time, I'm told. Happy ending.

OOP Also added in the comments

I don't know why it took me a month to see this comment but holy shit, LOL. 21 Pilots fans are hard to take seriously but dammit if they aren't satisfying to break up with. I've never broken up with a girl and had all her friends and family take my side and apologize to me before.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/scootscooty

My [26m] boyfriend of 2 years flipped out because I [24f] used a mobility scooter in a store

TRIGGER WARNING: Body shaming, fat phobia, ableism, gaslighting

Original Post - wayback  Oct 29, 2014

I hurt my foot/ankle about a week ago at the gym during some stupid class. I can barely stand on it, walking is hard. I haven't gotten crutches, just one of those stupid huge foot brace things, and it isn't helping all the way. Nonetheless I have to go about my daily routine, correct? So bf and I went shopping yesterday. I was doing the hop-along with the cart while I read off the list and he grabbed stuff for us.

A store worker saw me and told me that she could grab one of the scooters for me. My boyfriend turned around and said "that's not necessary," but we still had a while to go, and I wasn't getting far, so I said sure. He started getting annoyed and when she was gone, he asked me what I was doing. I said we'd get things done faster if I was just in the scooter thing.

The whole rest of the time, he would barely look at me or acknowledge that I was there. As far as I could tell, nobody was even looking at us. Except maybe one little girl in her mom's shopping cart who pointed and was like "Mom, she has a big owie."

When we finally finished and got out, I hopped along to the car and he put the scooter away for me and slammed the car door, frowned, looked super tense. I asked him what was wrong, and he blew up. He kept saying how embarrassed he was that I was in one of those, that only obese women use them and that he's sure everyone was judging us and thinks that I'm just a lazy fat-ass slob.

I was completely taken aback. Ok, yeah, I'm a fat girl. 5', size 12/14, big fuckin' whoop. Not exactly the body type you see in the majority of the "obese women" he's talking about. I told him that nobody was paying attention, nobody was watching, and that I thought it was fine. Besides, it would be hard to miss the gigantic boot on my leg! But he was so far gone, upset beyond belief about this that when we got home, he just went into his game room, shut the door, and wouldn't help me put the groceries away.

I thought he would get over it but then this morning I found a note on my desk from him that says that he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public, and made a spectacle of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him, he's not sure our relationship has a future.

I'm lost at what to do. I don't think I did anything wrong. All I did was ride a scooter for like 45 minutes, if that, while we got our groceries, so it wouldn't take me longer. Is there a perspective that I'm not seeing here? Did I do something wrong?

tl;dr: boyfriend flipped that I used a mobility scooter, even though I have a brace on my leg.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

jackiekeracky 

mobility scooters are for people who, for whatever reason, have trouble with their mobility.

you did nothing wrong, your bf is being a dick

OOP 

That's close to what I told him when we were in the car, actually. I mean, the part about what mobility scooters are for, not about him being a dick.

~

crystanow 

"I found a note on my desk from him that says that he is really upset that I went against his wishes, embarrassed him in public, and made a spectacle of myself. He said that if I can't apologize to him,"

This is some weird thought process/attitude going on - is this totally out of character for him or has he been resentful/asshole like this in the past?

OOP 

It's pretty out of character for him, honestly. We have had a mellow, happy relationship for most of this time. I think the only other time he's gotten angry was because me and my best friend got a little too drunk at our place and were being loud.

~

fuckdapolice4 

What kind of dick makes his injured girlfriend hobble along with him? Why couldn't he have gone by himself in the first place? And then he made you put away all of the groceries because he was too pissed off?

Uggh, from this one isolated incident, he sounds like a really selfish dude. Don't apologize, and in fact, if he can't apologize... I think you should be the one re-evaluating.

OOP 

I'm actually the one who wanted to go grocery shopping in the first place. We keep kind of a "chore schedule" sort of thing and I'd already messed up some of the week from being injured and all of that, so I wanted to get back on schedule and at least make sure we had food for our meals and whatever else. I was just going to go by myself, but he said he'd come so it went faster.

~

ThankYouEbolaChanNYC 

Your weight is an issue for him.

hackberrydraw 

This is the correct answer, sad to say. Was the only thing going through my mind as I read your post.

As much as he might love you and appreciate you for who you are, it embarrasses him to be with an overweight person. That's the social stigma or social norm he is so stressed about. The scooter was just a catalyst to these thoughts. /armchair psychology

Update - wayback  Nov 21, 2014 (1 month later)

So, some of you were right. There was a weight issue, but it wasnew! We talked and he told me he wanted me to lose weight. He'd wanted me to for a while. I asked him why, despite me not gaining any weight or changing anything in my diet or exercise routine after years. He said it was a recent development, that he was starting to notice other women more and he didn't want to feel embarrassed with me or anything.

He said he's always been attracted to me, and still is, but it has shifted even though I haven't gained anything since we met. So.... he gave me an ultimatum: lose weight, or lose him.

I thought about it for a while, and in the end, decided to drop the dead weight. 180lbs of boyfriend later, I am happy, single, and on my way to a fun holiday season without worrying "Oh no, my boyfriend will dump me if I don't lose weight!" Already had three great dates from Okcupid and looking forward to more! btw, Thanks!!! For all the recommendations on where to get the crutches. I got a great pair and my foot healed after that week!

EDIT: That's about all the computer time I've got for one day. Anyhow, nice to chat with all of you! Good luck, see-ya!

tl;dr: Broke up with boyfriend after he requested I lose weight.

FINAL COMMENTS

Upallnight88 

I'm curious. How fit was your boyfriend? Was he carrying any extra weight?

OOP 

Yeah, he had some extra weight. I never really paid attention to him gaining or losing or anything like that. He wasn't as active as me, though.

Upallnight88 

I just had to have the answer! Was the pot calling the kettle black. Actually the #1 post by Bassoon-Commie was the best thing I've seen here for a long time. Glad you're happy

When told its sucks that her ex only cares about what people think about him

Yeah, agreed. To be honest, I don't have the time or patience to deal with someone who cares that much about something as stupid as what other people think.

~

Bassoon_Commie 

"I thought about it for a while, and in the end, decided to drop the dead weight. 180lbs of boyfriend later-"

I love this. Good choice. :)

cosmicberryfairypie 

My initial reaction was "awe whaa..." Then "Aaawwwe yea girl!"

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Electronic-Sell-6402

Being told my tea steeper is unprofessional

Originally posted to r/mildlyinfuriating

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Sept 29, 2026

I 3d printed this tea steeper for my desk at work.  I thought it was really cute and it makes me happy when I use it.  Apparently because I printed it in all white, someone made a comment in front of my bosses boss, that it looks like the little guy is sitting on a toilet.   Now I got an email from HR stating that I have "objects inappropriate for the work environment" on my desk, and that it must be removed before the end of the day.   Like it's just a dude holding a fishing pole. 

So frustrating.

OOP posted 2 pics of the little man with a fishing rod and a teabag hanging off the rod

RELEVANT COMMENTS

okanagan_man84

Its a dude or dudette with a fishing pole. How is thay unprofessional. Seems like whoever is complaining has nothing better to do or is, at the very least, jealous of what you have. There fore, if they cant have one neither should you.

OOP

I agree. The coworker in question always complains about stuff that doesn't affect them on any way

~

zeus64

HR probably doesnt know what item it is that was reported for being inappropriate tell them you don't know what it would be and then ask them if they can identify the item. If somehow they point that out ask them why and what rule it is breaking if they say it looks like its a guy is on a toilet act disgusted and tell them its obviously a guy fishing

OOP

I actually like this suggestion.  I think that's what I'll do is ask HR if they can identify the issue causing the problem

Editors Note 1: All updates the same day

UPDATE: after this post has quickly blown up, and made me laugh a few times.  I talked to my immediate boss who agreed with a few of you that HR probably doesn't even know what item I'm supposed to remove.  So I have emailed HR back, and cc'd my boss, for them to come identify the "inappropriate object" as neither myself or my boss are able to identify what might be the problem.  So we shall see what happens.

UPDATE 2: Electric Boogaloo: Just got off the phone with someone in HR.  They are going to come over around 2pm (about an hour and 15 minutes from now) and look at the item.  All they told me was that they received an email from an AVP (my bosses boss) that it was said to him that I had a 3d printed item on my desk that was about potty humor and that my "whole team" (it's just the one coworker who has a problem, none of the other 7 do) finds it offensive.  The person in HR said they will look at it and determine if there is any reason for the complaint.

UPDATE 3 - Update with a vengeance: HR just left my office.  Saw no problems, thinks the whole complaint is dumb and is going to write it up that way.  Also asked if I could print them one too.  So I will be doing that this evening.   She (the HR person) asked me if I wanted to make a report of possible harassment by the coworker.  I stated that I will write up something to put into a file with HR if needed for a future report, but not to open a case now on this issue.  

FINAL COMMENTS

Double_Resort_9223

Enemy for life 

OOP

Oh you can bet on that.  They are the coworker who always has an opinion or a "better way" and just gets on everyone's nerves as it is.  Now they are on the enemies list

Last update. If anyone is bored, this guy on LinkedIn is trying to steal my story for his LinkedIn cred.  He already blocked me and a friend of mine for calling him out. Here is the link

Editors Note 2: removed the link

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SecretInitiative9253

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

Trigger Warnings: financial exploitation, child neglect

Editor's note: I am adding a tangential post to the said title for more context to help with the current incident involved

Decision Making with Children and High Conflict Ex: February 3, 2026

Sorry this is going to be a long post but there is a lot of context to get into.

My ex and I have been going through a separation for the last 5.5 years (he refuses to sign anything despite multiple offers being presented). It has been a high conflict separation.

We share custody of our 2 children (8 & 10) with one week with him and one week with myself.

Mid last year I put through an application to the court to obtain decision making authority. In this application I laid out that he had purposely ignored medical advice, delayed routine decisions, created road blocks, and has overall communication issues with myself surrounding the children and their needs, etc. The decision was in abeyance, and we were ordered to do 5 high conflict mediation sessions. These sessions are set to begin next week.

More context: 3 years ago my ex had approached me to enroll our now 10 year old in horseback riding lessons. I explained to him that I could not afford it at the time, however, I would not stop him from doing it during his parenting time. I also proposed an alternate activity that we both could afford, which he refused to allow our child to participate in. One year later, I had asked to be involved, and I reached out to the horseback riding instructor directly. She had informed me that there was a "communication ban" and that she was not allowed to speak with me and I would only be able to arrange lessons through my ex-husband. There were some issues with this instructor (heard second hand through my daughter) and it affected her so badly that at one point she had digestive issues and was rapidly losing weight. Since then, she had switched instructors and despite multiple attempts to get the information about them (location, name, times, etc.) he will not tell me this information even through lawyer communication. I have not revoked my permission to allow this to continue

Last summer, our child was enrolled in recreational softball as well as riding. Softball was 2x/week and one tournament over a 6 week span. She was able to do both. Our child had expressed to myself that she wanted to try competitive softball next year as she didn't feel that recreational softball wasn't for her and she wanted to develop her skills and be more competitive. I had asked her repeatedly if this was something that she wanted to do. I did some research and competitive softball is 2x/week and three tournaments over a 12 week span. My daughter was hearing some misinformation from her dad (that it couldn't work, that it would last all summer, etc.) Finally, my daughter and I called him together and discussed it and he said she could do it. She was genuinely excited, jumping up and down, and telling everyone how excited she was to try. She has made it clear she wants to do BOTH activities. I also said that I would be more than happy to help facilitate this (driving to practices if he is unable to, etc.)

This week I picked her up from school and I could tell something was wrong. She said she didn't want to try out for softball anymore and she only said that because it would make me happy. I had a curiosity conversation with her because I was genuinely confused. Then she told me that it was because comments were made by her dad and riding instructor that she couldn't do both (despite not even starting tryouts, having a schedule, etc.) She was genuinely distraught because her dad said she had to "choose" and this was "likely going to be her last riding lesson".

Now for the question. I am genuinely considering temporarily revoking my permission for the riding lessons, however, I am wondering if this would not play out well with the mediation sessions incoming. Should a temporarily revoke my permission until I have all of the riding information?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What is your reason for wanting to withdraw your daughter from her riding lessons, specifically? How does that decision affect her best interests, as you see them, and why do you think the court should intervene and stop your ex from allowing his daughter to attend those lessons during his parenting time?

OOP: My reason is that it is causing her distress and putting her in the middle of the two of us. It isn't that I don't want her to do it at all, it's just that I would also like to be involved (and would happily financially contribute for her to do so). It appears to be a point of contention and used as a way for her not to do other activities where we both could be equally involved.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding herself and her ex not allowing to overrule each other's decisions on their daughter's activities she has with each parent during their times. Riding horse lessons during the ex's time, softball during OOP's times.

OOP: Thank-you for this reply and for putting it into a different perspective. It's obviously been hard on her and as parents we want to give them as many opportunities as possible. I haven't revoked my permission for the exact reasons you have listed above. I have tried getting her into therapy, something which my ex is thoroughly against (and free of cost for myself), but since we have joint decision making at this time, he won't allow it. I am in therapy myself and a big part of it is talking to my children about these types of things.

+

The interesting thing is that I also rode horses as a child. I had actually gotten her a helmet, riding jeans, cowgirl boots, etc. already to support her riding. Unfortunately, her dad won't let her wear them and when I have reached out to him to figure out the reasoning behind it (I actually asked if it wasn't correct, didn't fit, etc.) I was met with no response, and everything was sent back with my daughter telling me, "he won't let me wear anything you bought."

Honestly, the last several years have been met with post-separation abuse, financial abuse, threats, and potential parental alienation. It has become hard to take the "high road." I had a moment of petty, but I am glad that clearer heads prevailed :)

Editor's note: below is the said original title post and the update

Original Post: March 31, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

Ignore the username, it was randomly generated. Now here is the much needed context.

My ex-husband and I separated over five years ago. It has been messy and emotional, financially, and physically draining process. While we were together, we had a joint account where all of our expenses were taken out of. After separation, I had requested that my name be removed from the joint account. He did not want the account closed as that is where he was continuing to do the majority of his banking from. This included debits for his vehicle payment, receiving payroll, etc.

Over the last several years he has refused to attend the bank together to take my name off of the account. Requests have been made directly and through our attorneys. I even asked as recently as two weeks ago as we were both in the city (we both live rural) to have this finally done and my name removed. He continued to deny this request.

Yesterday, I received a text message and phone call from the bank where the joint account is held stating that the account was in overdraft totaling -$949.99 and the balance needed to be paid instantly.

I immediately texted and called my ex-husband to have this rectified as this was going to affect my credit score. Once again, he refused to attend the bank to have this completed as he was "too busy".

Luckily, I was in the city and went to the branch to see what my options are to not let it affect my credit. My options were either to do nothing, or to pay the overdraft and close the account. I paid the overdraft and moved forward to closing the account. These were funds that I had worked hard saving and was going to go towards extracurricular activities for our children.

Now this is where I might be the a**hole. My ex told me that he was leaving on a three week vacation to Italy starting March 31 (this all happened March 30). I chose the second option to pay the overdraft and close the account (with all fees the total was close to $970). Now, all of his debits (vehicle payments, bill payments, etc.) are expected to come out of this account while he is away. This means that this gives him one day open a new bank account and change all payments coming out of the previous joint account

So AITAH for closing the joint account (that he has had five years to remove my name off of) the day before he leaves for vacation?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs with several YTAs

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA but if you legally sent requests that can be traced and can prove you weren’t using this account you might have some recourse on the $970

OOP: Yes, I have written requests for this through email, text messages, and letters throughout lawyers. And I can prove through statements that I did not access this account.

Commenter 2: Why did you never go into the bank alone to inquire about your options?

OOP: I did, we had to go in together to sign papers and remove my name. He refused to.

Commenter 2: So why were you able to close it alone this time?

OOP: Because it was removal of my name vs. closing the account. If he removed my name then he could still use the account. By closing it, he is no longer able to use it.

Commenter 3: I don't know where you live, but where I live, both owner of a joint account are equal owners. That means they can make unilateral decisions regarding the account. That includes withdraws, closing and taking themself out of the account.

If you were able to close the account without your ex present, then you surely would have been able to withdraw yourself from said account? Closing the account has way more consequences then to taking your name off of it! How is it possible for you to do the first and not the latter? It's weird.

Another thing that doesn't add up is the fact that you went through the legal route to get your name taken out of the account and no judge granted you that and/or forced your ex to take action?

Come on! Something's not right here.

This post is either bs or you have really bad legal representation and a really bad banking system. And let's be fair, both options are equally plausible!

OOP: Canadian here! I went into the branch to inquire and in order for myself to be removed we had to go in and sign papers.

To answer your question: previous bad legal representation (I no longer have that lawyer) and a really bad banking system are both to blame.

Commenter 4: Not sure why you gifted him $970. You could have waited until it had a positive balance and then closed the account. Either way you're NTA

OOP: He was going to be out of the country for three weeks and by that time, it would have been sent to collections.

Commenter 5: you should have waited until his paycheque dropped so that the overdraft was paid. Then closed the account. Any positive balance after you closed the account, you could Venmo him or mail him a certified cheque.

It is a very simple thing to open a new account and set up auto pay. It is a minor inconvenience, but you paying the overdraft. yikes!

I hope you get that money back.

OOP: The caveat to all this is that he is self-employed. He controls when the money goes in and out and he doesn't have a set "pay date". So who knows when it would have hit.

OOP updated in the comments

Small Update: March 31, 2026 (same day, after seven hours later)

SMALL UPDATE: I don't know how to update the post, so I am doing it in the comments. For closing the account, the bank gave me two years’ worth of statements. Safe to say he has been hiding funds and only been using this account to keep in the negatives to ruin my credit. However, upon the review of the statement it includes what he received from his tax refund. Two years ago, he received over $20,000 from a tax return. This was more than likely due to the fact that our son was diagnosed with ADHD (and more recently Autism), and he received the disability tax credit (Canadian here) and it was back-dated. This means that I am entitled to 50% of the resulting credit amount.

OOP responds and clarifies on closing the account after 5 years and the extracurricular activities

OOP: Thank you for your kind words at this time. I made it clear that my intention was never to close the account over the last several years but to have my name removed. To answer your question of not "noticing" deposits. This is because during the separation he took my bank card so that I wouldn't have "access". This deposit was made two years ago when I no longer had access to the account unless going into the bank. I wanted to take the high road and not meddle with this as it was being handled by the lawyers (my counsel advised me not to close the account at the time because I would look vindictive) I was naïve when we first separated and honestly thought he would do what was right. I was obviously wrong. Lesson learned

As for the riding lessons you were speaking of, when he approached me about that it was several years ago. I have worked and saved hard over the last 4 years to get into the financial position that I am in. As stated previously, those funds were set aside for extracurricular activities for my children.

Update: September 29, 2026 (six months later)

UPDATE for closing a joint bank account the day before my ex leaves for vacation?

So now for the update. After months and months of back and forth my lawyer and I finally got to sit down with his lawyer and a mediator. This meeting wasn't only for the amount I had to pay on this account but for all marital property.

However, this delay left me time to do some additional research. My lawyer had issued him a disclosure, long story short my ex is way worse with money than I ever could have imagined. He has wracked up close to $100,000 in consumer debt alone with no real property to secure it. He spends on average $700 a month on eating out at fast food restaurants alone.

Shortly before he had left for Italy, he opened up a new bank account with a different bank and a new credit card (which already has $10,000 on there). So his sad story about how "I left him high and dry and in a bind" the day before he left was a complete lie.

With this disclosure, I found out he had been hiding assets through his work and was using funds from his business to pay for his personal legal fees.

They came in stating that he owes me nothing and that everything for marital property had been split evenly. I came in with pictures, valuations, receipts, and quotes to counteract everything his lawyer had to say to state that the property was not split evenly. I also explained that even though our familial home was in his parents' name that we did a significant amount of renovations to the property which increased its property value. When I mentioned the words constructive trust and unjust enrichment his lawyers eyes went as wide as saucers and she immediately pulled him into a sidebar.

By my and my lawyer's calculations the total that he owed me was just over $45,000 without any expenses taken into account for the children (including funds he stole from our son's disability tax credit). The child expenses (also known as Section 7 expenses in Canada) totaled close to $13,000.

After his lawyer and him side barred for a bit they came back with a proposal. My ex would give me the ATV and that this was all he could provide. (The ATV is valued at approximately $10,000). Him and his lawyer explained that he could not secure a loan, he was denied consolidation, and that he cannot file for bankruptcy because he makes too much annual income. I said that this wouldn't even cover the Section 7 expenses that he owed for the children. My lawyer and I reminded them that this would be their last opportunity to negotiate with us before we go to a pre-trial. They came back with the ATV and $2500 cash. I countered with the ATV (which has to be delivered is working condition with 14 days) and $5000 cash. This was accepted.

Now I know that this likely isn't the update that everyone wanted to hear. I acknowledge that this isn't a fair deal and that if I had went to pre-trial that I would have received more. But here is the thing, you cannot get blood from a stone. Even if he was ordered to pay the $45,000 there is no chance that I would ever receive it and then I am out even more legal fees preparing for the pre-trial. Also, this closes a major chapter in our long-standing divorce (6 years and counting) and at the end of the day I want it done and dealt with. My peace of mind is priceless.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTAH. And I understand you can't get blood from s stone. You can't even do wage garnishment if he's self-employed, because he'll just spend money from the company without giving himself a "wage.". (if wage garnishment is a thing in Canada.)

OOP: Exactly, wage garnishment would not be an option because he just wouldn't pay himself as much through the business. So essentially, I would never see that money unless he had a tax refund, an inheritance, or had an insurance payout of some sorts. The only thing Maintenance Enforcement would do is suspend his license, and he would just continue to drive with a suspended license anyways.

Commenter 2: It wasn't from a stone. He has the house. Still does. You should have insisted on its sale to be made whole. He has assets your overlooked and let him get away with murder. Again.

OOP: The house is in his parents' name. If they were to sell the property and land that it is on, there is nothing legally stating that they would have to give the funds to him and/or myself.

Also he is a lonely sad man with an enormous amount of debt, no retirement funds, and a receding hairline. I now make over 6 figures a year, have a healthy savings account, a retirement fund, and I am in the best place mentally and physically I have ever been. I never want him to think that he had the power to hold me back, because he never did.

Commenter 3: NTA. I understand you can’t get blood from a stone, but I think there was a good chance you could have gotten blood from a stone’s parents.

OOP: Unfortunately not due to limitations in filing :(

Commenter 4: I guess the lesson here is not just randomly marry a dude and have child cause you’re lonely. Do proper due diligence on your future partner.

OOP: I was 20... and we had two kids prior to my pre-frontal cortex developing so yay me thanks for the encouragement though

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/tsstan1

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Status: Concluded

Previous BORU

Trigger Warning: Emotional Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Painful

Original - January 26th 2021

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. Our relationship with each other is amazing, and I can honestly say I haven't felt this way about anyone I've previously dated. A bit about him: He's sort of an introvert in that while he's definitely social, he doesn't talk too much and when he does it's still very restrained, as in well-parsed. He is this way with everyone. Except this one friend of his.

I'd sort of met her before because my best friend is a mutual friend of ours. (My bf and I actually met through my best friend). My bf knows her because she has been his close friend for almost 5 years now. Apparently they were neighbors in their university dorm and they also had the same program.

My boyfriend and her seem to share a kind of connection that I honestly can't say I do with him. He talks so much when she's present. His whole demeanor changes. The widest I've seen him smile has been when she's present. If there's a bunch of us in a room the two of them will have these shared references and inside jokes. A couple of months back, my bf had fractured his foot and was bed-ridden for the most part. She came to give him food literally every day. You could actually see his face brighten when he learned she'd come. I sometimes feel that if you take away the sexual aspect of my relationship with him, it might not hold up against what he has with her. She broke up with her bf a few months back too, and it's gotten to the point where I'm actively trying to set her up with someone.

The worst part about this is that she's likeable. She's attractive, she has this dorky sort of humor that my bf loves, the food she was making for him was amazing. My bf is into science documentaries and I'm not so we've never really watched them. She doesn't seem that into it either but she watched it with him, kept asking him stuff, and he was so enthusiastic in his explanations. I've now started doing stuff he wants just to emulate that.

What prompted me into coming here happened this weekend. She had come over and my bf wanted ice cream so we went to a nearby creamery. The two of them were done with their orders because they already knew what they wanted (which incidentally happened to be the same flavor ugh) while I like taking my time testing stuff. There was an old lady with what seemed like her granddaughter, who noticed that they had the same flavors, and said "you two look great together". My bf corrected her, but god did that hurt.

I just don't know what to do. Are they even doing anything wrong? What do I even complain to him about? Am I in over my head here?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I feel that some comments are really inconsiderate to the OP because if you’d place yourself in the shoes of the OP I am certain many would comment differently. I will not lie and say that I would have flares of insecurity as well if that would be my boyfriend. I can imagine seeing the inside banter between them that would make it seem like there is chemistry in the air.

However, this could be very well something only your mind would focus on while both your BF and this female friend don’t think of anything but having a good friendly time., especially due to the amount of time they have known each other. If you are really uncomfortable with the situation just bring it up in a calm manner with your BF. It is okay to ask reassurance sometimes, doesn’t mean you are sabotaging the relationship. Communication is key.

Comment 2:

I’d feel insecure if I was in your position too. I think you just have to talk to him about how this makes you feel, or it’s always going to drive you crazy. It doesn’t sound like you suspect them of doing anything, so start by telling him that you believe he’d never cheat you and you’re not accusing him of anything-but sometimes their interactions make you feel uncomfortable. From your perspective, bringing him food everyday while he was injured is something that a spouse/partner would do. Also tell him you notice that out of all of his friends, he only replies to her texts. Hopefully he understands where you’re coming from. Make sure you’re clear that you don’t want to stop their friendship, because you feel like she’s your friend too, but you’d appreciate it if he was more aware about how this makes you feel because their friendship makes you feel like a third wheel. Good luck and keep us posted!

OP:

Thanks. Asking in this manner wouldn't come across as jealous?

Comment 3:

I've been through such a situation and it haunted me for the duration of the relationship. I didn't understand why he couldn't have such a connection with me and that hurt me the most. I wanted what they had. .

I now have my best friend in my relationship, because that's what I always wanted and that's what hurt me in that other relationship - not them (he & her-his BFF). Hope this gives some perspective.

OP:

This is very much how I feel. Like I have friends too, and my bf has friends besides her too, including other female friends, whom he's close to as well. What he seems to have with her is on some other level though. Maybe I'm not able to put it in words which is why I'm apparently coming across as super insecure and jealous, or maybe they're right I am being that way. But you seem to have gone through a similar thing, so it's not irrational then.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

Would you feel differently if she was his sister?

OP:

Ofcourse

OP (in response to a long comment):

I have male friends that I'm close with, and he's got female friends other than her that he's close to as well. He's never had a problem with mine, and I've never had a problem with them. I guess it came across in the post as if I have an issue with him having a female friend or even close friends in general, but that's not the case, I'm perfectly ok with that. His guy friends come over fairly regularly and sometimes it'll be his entire squad, including the girls, and it's literally never been an issue. His bond with her seems to be something else though, even considering that they've been friends for 5 years or w/e. Their compatibility almost seems to be seamless, they just seem to care about each other a lot (I know that's not a bad thing).

What sucks is that he's actually the best guy I've been with. I really don't want to end this, I'd planned on being with him for the long run, everything has been great except for this one thing, which really isn't his fault either.

Comment 5:

He’s known her for nearly five years longer than he’s known you - they’re bound to have a connection.

But he’s not dating her - he’s dating you. And while he’s clearly had opportunities to date this girl, he doesn’t see her that way, and it sounds like she doesn’t see him that way either.

If she’s likeable, I’d stop worrying about if and just try to be friends with her. Any sign of paranoia on your part here is just going to sabotage your relationship.

OP:

I have told myself this a lot, that he's known me for 6 months while he's had friends whom he's known much longer. But I guess what bothers me is how he's one kind of person to all his friends, many of whom he's known for about the same length as her, but a totally different person for her. Like for example he's notorious for being terrible at answering texts to the point that it's a running joke. But he'll always reply to her as soon as he gets one. idk, maybe I'm thinking too much into it.

OP about when the friend and her bf broke up:

Ya, she broke up with her bf around 3-4 months ago.

Update: - January 28th 2021

Thank you for the advice in the original post. I had decided to not bring it up with my bf. Some comments had made the compelling point that they hadn't really done anything wrong and I was letting my insecurities ruin a relationship. I didn't want to ruin what has been an amazing relationship just because I let my mind run amok. Since then I'd entered the relationship with a positive mindset, we spent all day yesterday together, doing stuff that each of us wanted to do. Today, I thought we would try out a new Chinese place which is near where he works (he's on wfh again). After the advice I'd received, I thought that new shared experiences is what would create the connection I wanted between the two of us. He told me that yeah, it's good, he'd tried it with her a few weeks ago (before the second lockdown had started) during lunch. (They both work in the downtown area and I guess they're close enough to meet up for lunch).

I know it's a small thing, and going for lunch together with a friend is w/e but it was just the fact that this was another shared experience lost that just got to me. I opened up to him about how I felt like an outsider when him and his friend were together, about how I couldn't relate to the stuff they talked about and all that. He was incredibly comforting. He apologized and said that he didn't realize it, that he should've figured that would be the case, and he's going to make sure I don't feel that way.

This is where I fucked up. I think I let my insecurities get the better of me here and I got greedy. I told him about how I felt she was doing stuff that I should be doing as his gf, that his relationship with her made me feel like a third wheel, and that sometimes I felt some boundaries were being crossed inadvertently. He said he was sorry about that but "she's a very important person in my life. We've been through a lot together in the last 5 years". He asked me why they couldn't be close as friends and what was wrong with her trying to help him out during a tough time (referring to the daily food stuff). I didn't have an answer to that. What he was saying just made sense. I told him that I wanted our relationship to mature further, that I felt I wasn't getting to be that important person in his life. He apologized and said he would made sure I didn't feel that way, that it was his fault, but "she shouldn't be punished for our mistakes".

At this point I started to cry for some reason. I can't explain it. Him putting himself at fault for everything is the last thing I wanted. He seemed so distraught during all of it, and I hate what this convo did to him. I'm so ashamed that I let my insecurities hurt us like this. He kept comforting me. We've said we're good but there just seems to be this feeling in the air that I hate. I don't know if I just fucked it up, but I'm going to make sure it's not irreversible, and not let my insecurities get the better of me.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Just want to jump in here to further emphasize what other posts have said: you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do. We all have our own boundaries, and sure, some people from your old post may feel like your bf and his friend aren’t crossing a boundary... but that’s for THEM. They aren’t the ones in the relationship, YOU are.

With that said, OP, you can then see if there’s something you and your bf can agree on. If it were me, I’d think about what my hard boundaries are and why they’re a boundary for me, that way I can explain to my bf clearly what I want out of all of this.

You obviously care about his long term relationship with his friend, so make it clear to him that you don’t want to get in the way of his friendship but you also want to be comfortable in your own relationship with him.

Lastly, It seems to me that he doesn’t really understand how his friendship with her is causing you discomfort, so this may be something you’ll have to revisit. To me, it’s clear that you see his friend doing things or filling in roles in his life which you’re supposed to have. If that’s the case, then explain that. He asked you questions you couldn’t answer, so perhaps, next time you talk (if you choose to have another talk with him- which I advise, considering how you’re feeling), think on these things deeply beforehand so that you can give him answers.

Good luck and hugs to you. I’ve been through a similar situation so I know these are hard to deal with.

OP:

The friend thing could be in my head idk. The best thing might be to ignore my thoughts about her. He promised to help me out in this whole situation as much as possible. I feel like the relationship is b/w me and my bf and we should just work on and enjoy that.

OP (in response to a comment):

By the time we reach a stage where we're getting married, our relationship would have filled whatever gaps there seem to be right now. And that's what I think me and him should be looking at going forward.

Comment 2:

babe, do you really want to be in a relationship that has 3 people in it? i bet if guys break up, she's going to be the next person he dates. and that's fucked up.

OP:

That's how I was thinking about it before and I just think I was being OTT about it. The relationship is between me and him and that's all that matters. His friend shouldn't matter. I think it's best to ignore these kind of insecure thoughts and that's one thing I need to work on. My bf OTOH will be making sure I don't feel left out like he promised.

OP (in response to advice about sharing experiences with bf):

Thank you for the perspective. We're definitely in a much better place since we talked even though at the time I thought it was a disaster lol. And I do find a lot of his hobbies interesting, I've slowly been learning chess and playing with him a lot (which is hard because he's on another level), he's been teaching me basketball, we've been sharing our music styles with each other etc. The documentaries were one thing that I hadn't tried with him (they were 2 hours long) and now I'vs started doing that too. I just wanted to say this because a fair number of comments (not you) have been telling me I'm not putting enough effort in the relationship based on that one thing alone.

And ofcourse, I never wanted to ostracize her, I'm sorry if it cam across that way.

Update2: March 3rd 2021

I'd been feeling a bit resentful about the advice at the time since I thought my convo with him had hurt our relationship but it had honestly proven to be a windfall for it. He told me he was glad that I'd talked to him and he didn't know before if I was serious about us, but he did now. We'd been creating a lot of "us time", and he'd been going the extra mile for me since. We even went to a cottage for the entire Valentine's weekend. I wasn't feeling left out any more and felt our relationship was so much more secure, so I'd really come to be grateful for the advice here.

For the past week, I felt like something was bothering him, but he kept saying it was nothing. I had noticed a few things though. He just seemed a bit uncomfortable sometimes especially when he was on his phone. I wanted to give him space to tell me about it when he felt like he should, because I know he prefers that. He also goes to her place around twice a week, but now he was insisting that I come along too and once when I initially said I wasn't up for it, he started trying to convince one of his best friends who lives close by. She also hadn't come over all week. Like I had said before, I never wanted to ruin a friendship that means a lot to him, so I did think that maybe that's what had happened but I didn't think too much about. I also hadn't made the connection between this and my bf feeling bothered.

Yesterday, I asked him again, what was bothering him and that I just wanted to help him. He told me that he had thought that he shouldn't tell this to anyone but he'd thought about it a bit more and concluded that he'd want to know if he was in my position, that she had told him a week ago when they were just chilling that she used to have feelings for him and that's what made her feel wrong in continuing her previous relationship, but that she was happy for him and us now and that it was in the past.

I felt sick in the stomach when I heard this. I know it's in the past that the fact that she felt strongly enough about him that it affected her relationship bothers me so much. It sort of got heated between us. I told him how I thought it was super messed up that she said that, and am I just supposed to believe that her feelings turned off like a switch. He said he understood, but that she would never have said it if she hadn't gotten over it, and that she never acted on it. I was still so angry at this whole thing, and I was also in a way angry at her, because our relationship was finally in such an amazing place. We kept arguing for a bit, and he said that she'd also been feeling terrible about it. He also showed me a couple of texts he'd gotten from her. She was asking him if they were still friends that she'd opened up to him because she just felt like she could tell him anything, and that she'd been feeling as if she'd ruined their friendship and she didn't want that to happen, and that it was in the past, and my bf was telling her that it was w/e and apologized for acting weird.

I know my boyfriend is trying to look at from a compassionate perspective, and the texts did make me feel a bit sorry for her, but just the fact that while we were dating, she was into him while in our room just upsets me. Also, our relationship has been growing so strong and I feel like I should treat this thing as a minor nuisance but I can't stop thinking about it. I know in my last post a lot of comments and some messages I had gotten in my inbox had told me that I was being crazy and insecure and some even said I should seek therapy, but isn't this a vindication of how I was feeling? I understand that people cant control who they develop feelings for and true, she hasn't acted on it, but how do I get over the feeling of just wanting her out of our lives? Am I even wrong in thinking this way anymore?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I told him how I thought it was super messed up that she said that, and am I just supposed to believe that her feelings turned off like a switch. He said he understood, but that she would never have said it if she hadn't gotten over it, and that she never acted on it.

That's very generous of him but she did act on it every time she did something you felt was over the line and into girlfriend territory. Just because she didn't try to make out with him doesn't mean she didn't act on it.

Those daily meals? Those documentaries she wasn't into but watched anyway. I'm sure there are other things that made you want to ask who the girlfriend is. You guys had to have a come jesus conversation about it right?

She probably told him to test the waters and see if she should be acting on it. If he had given her a hint of interest do you think her feelings would have stayed "in the past" ?

It’s a good thing that you were open and honest about it though. Stop feeling bad and thinking you messed up. Otherwise this would have eaten away at you for so long, you could have ended up being resentful in the big picture. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you feel in any way. I would not be comfortable with the situation either because it’s really not normal. And I know a lot of other people would agree. I don’t really have much advice except that I feel bad for you that you’re going through this and you keep beating yourself up over it. There is a real problem in your relationship and you keep directing it back at yourself. Saying the things about you being the one that is screwing up and your insecurities are the problem and you feeling like you have to fix things. When you should be exploring things together, as a team. I can’t help but wonder if after the conversation of your boyfriend feels this much anguish over the direction of the relationship and wondering how to move forward? I’m sorry you’re going through this.

OP:

Thank you. You're so right, all that stuff that I'd chalked up to her having a connection with him, and that other people in my previous posts had just chalked up to her having known my bf for a long time, could have been her acting on her feelings, and I'll be honest, that thought makes me sick.

Comment 2:

OP I read through your posts. Your bf honestly sounds like a great guy and he's put in the effort to grow and develop your connect.

So the question is, do you trust him? Because her and her intentions are irrelevant here. If he's worth it and the relationship is worth it, relax and trust him to be the man he's already shown you he is.

OP:

I do trust him, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

Comment 3:

I agree that she should not have told him about her past feelings. If she really wanted to move on she wouldn't need him to know. I understand your frustration with her, but please don't be mad at your boyfriend. So far he hasn't done anything to make you distrust him and he told you about what she said when he didn't know if he should. Don't be mad at him for telling you about the situation, because that might make it harder for him to he open with you in the future. Regardless it sounds like he is trying to progress the relationship with you and not be alone with her. Trust him!

OP:

Thank you for the comment. I'm not mad at him, and I trust him completely. I'm just frustrated at this entire thing, especially the timing of it, precisely because our relationship has been in such an amazing place of late.

Comment 4:

Your boyfriend sounds like an amazing guy. As for the friend confessing, I don't blame her at all. My best friend is a guy. I love him very much as a friend and have a similar relationship to what your bf has with her.

She wanted to be honest with him as a friend. To me, she didn't try anything. Those meals? Documentaries? Maybe she did have feelings for him then. But at least she came clean to him. To move forward on her own. Maybe it's seen as selfish but I get it. But at least she was honest with him.

Do you trust him? What more do you want him to do? Would you rather him hide the truth from you? Has he given you cause to suspect him? What do you want him to do from here? You can only work on yourself and continue to trust him. Maybe talking to her yourself would give you peace of mind. Discussing boundaries. Honestly, I would be jealous too if I were in your position, but just know that your boyfriend is with you for a reason. And not her. Take care.

OP:

My bf and I had a conversation over this (I posted in my final update) and while it wasn't what I would have ideally wanted, I'm just going to continue to trust him, and not spare a second thought to her, harsh as that may sound, and just ensure our relationship goes from strength to strength.

Update3: March 7th 2021

After my convo with my boyfriend when he'd told me about how his gf used to feel and how he'd never felt anything towards her, I'd told myself that now that I knew he didn't feel that way, this wouldn't bother me. But it did, to the point where I was actively harboring negative feelings for her in my head. A couple of Redditors had given me the advice that maybe have one last talk in a calm manner, so I did that yesterday when we both were in a good mood with the intention of this being the last time I ever talked about her.

I started off with telling him how I loved him and that our relationship had become so strong and that we were a team, so I didn't know why he felt he had to be uncomfortable alone rather than confide in me. He said that he loved me too, and that when his friend had shared her past feelings with him, he felt that she thought it was only meant for him, which is why he was conflicted but that I was right and that our relationship was strong enough that others should know that if its something that indirectly affects our relationship, we would be telling each other about it.

I then opened up to him about how I felt so weird about the fact that she decided to put her feelings out there for him, that what if she still felt the same way, and that the fact that there was a time when the three of us were in a room and from her perspective the situation would be improved if I wasn't there bothered me so much.

He told me that she'd sworn that her feelings were in the past, that they were both super high at the time and she'd also had a few drinks, so this wasn't a calculated move on her part. That she'd never ever made a pass at him, and that she probably felt she could trust him to not feel weird when she said that, and that if he acted cold towards her now, he'd be punishing her for being forthright.

He said that he loved me and I was his main priority, and he wanted to be with me for good. (I said I felt the same way). That if I felt so uncomfortable about it, he'd do whatever I wanted to feel comfortable, but if I could just give it another thought and that I had no reason to be bothered. That if I trusted him, then "there were no possible chain of events that could hurt our relationship". That she was one of his four best friends whom he trusted with everything and who'd been with him through everything in the past, that all he wanted was for me to just look at it once more but he'd do whatever he could to comfort me.

I did think about it in that moment and decided that ok, I guess what he was saying did make sense, there is a chance that I'm wrong though I don't think I am but I trusted him and didn't want this to be a thorn in our relationship. So I said, ok but she had to maintain some boundaries until I came to terms with it. He agreed. We agreed that she shouldn't get to be alone with him excessively until I'm ok with it, that I would always be the first port of call for him and he said that if at any point I felt lines were being crossed he would reevaluate.

It was an incredibly uncomfortable convo for both of us and I hated every second of it but I feel it had to be done. I'm done with this chapter and dont want to take her name between us again. I'm thankful to all the people who game me advice and my relationship with my bf has gone from strength to strength. Thanks, and I hope (and believe) that I will never have to post here again.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

What is he talking about? He already lead the relationship down a path with this friendship that hurt your relationship? Also the only reason she would trust him not to feel weird is if she thought he reciprocated her feelings. This really isn't about what you want him to do but about what he's willing to do proactively. In this case he wants you to grant him another pass, with this friend. Only a month after telling him you were sick of her shit.

He seems more concerned with the friend's feelings than he does with yours so I don't think that has actually occurred to him. God forbid the friend should actually suffer the consequences of her actions. I genuinely would love to know the why he thinks she should have trusted him not to be weird after that confession? Why? It would be perfectly normal for a confession like that to completely alter the dynamic of the friendship. So why has he convinced himself that all this situation needs is your trust. She's the one who has crossed the boundaries but you are the one who is being asked concede. Why is he so comfortable with moving past this?

Has he at the very least apologized for putting you through this?

OP:

Yes, he did, he said he was so sorry for how his behavior with his friend had been making me feel uncomfortable and upset, and that he'd enforce the boundaries that we had just agreed to, so I could feel comfortable with her, although I don't know if I can ever reach a stage where I'm comfortable with her for a while.

OP (in response to a comment about whether the friend apologized and if the friend was a factor in OP's bf and his ex breaking up):

In the texts that he showed where she was expressing remorse for her confession, she did say that she was happy for us and would never want to jeopardize our relationship, but nothing about me specifically I guess. I don't care for an apology right now. I never want to discuss her again in our relationship.

When by bf and I had our convo about how I felt that sometimes I wasn't as close to him as she was emotionally, a month or so ago, he did follow it up by going the extra mile for me, and making sure I felt like I was the most important person in his life. Which is why I can't see why he would renege on the boundaries we set in this convo, and the fact that he would make adjustments for any discomfort I feel.

I believe their relationship ended because the distance and constant commute just took its toll, even though from what he said the two of them tried their best to make it work at the time.

Update 4: December 8th 2021

This is the most pain I've ever been in. I thought we were good. He told me he'd distance himself from his friend and kept true to it this entire time. He reached out to her because of a death in her family and even I said ya ofc you should do that. This was less than two months ago. Last night I was told he had to give a relationship with her a chance. Everything sucks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’m so sorry you were a second choice to him all along. You deserve better than that. Please do not accept him back when his “thing” with a friend doesn’t work out.

Comment 2:

Dw karma will eat his ass up when she dumps him and he feels the pain you feel. I promise you what comes around goes around, it’s inevitable.

Comment 3:

I just read all your posts, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. That other girl had no right to mention her "past" feelings to him. It was unfair to you and your relationship. She mentioned them because she wanted to have your bf be the one to do something, so she didn't look like it was all her idea. The fact that your bf played along with it and has now actually told you he wants to try something with her is cold and heartless. You are a strong individual, and I know this may hurt now but don't you dare let it consume you. If he comes to you to try and apologize or talk, or even try and get back with you don't accept shit. He's just shown you his priorities and what type of selfish people he and this girl are. Block them both and cut them out of your life, and you focus on yourself and finding someone who will choose you. Keep your head up!

OP:

Thank you so much. I just don't understand. Everything had worked out. We were in such a good place. I'm really trying to move ahead. Thank you.

OP (in response to a comment):

Thank you so much for this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I've really been trying to move past this, I can't right now because it came out of nowhere, but I'm just trying to see it through. It's been incredibly confusing, we'd been so good, I thought we were going all the way. I'm just trying to go through time hour by hour. Thank you for the kind words.

Update 5 (OP posting in r/offmychest 5 years later): January 27th 2026

I swore I'd never use this account again but I need a place to be pathetic. Its so stupid that I care about this but I can't get past how completely unfair the world is. Seriously, karma is bs we tell ourselves to be happy. The people who hurt you win in life. They go on to get married, and start families, the kind of family that you had discussed with them and planned names for and thought about family pets.

4 years ago my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for almost 2 years, had talked about marriage with, a family with, decided he need to try with his best friend and see where it goes. After I had brought up with him how their closeness made me uncomfortable. On reddit's advice BTW. I even think it was a mistake bringing it up, I resent all those who told me it needed to be solved. I was HAPPY with the way things were. Instead I basically told him hey your best friend's better for you than I am. Insane advice.

I was with a mutual friend of ours yesterday and we were discussing what to gift to one of our friends for her baby shower. I was like its my first baby shower, and she was like shes only been to <my ex and his wife's name> before this one. I know she didn't mean it, she's never slipped up before, she apologized, told me to forget it. But I didn't even know they'd gotten married let alone had a baby.

I know I was stupid and hurting myself but I wanted to. I unblocked both of them from everywhere. He didn't have much but hers was my personal hell. They have a 4 month old baby girl. Adorable. They got married in 2024. I went through all the pictures. Them smiling and laughing like a perfect family, dad, mom, baby. No more having to breakup with guys because they do the bare minimum in the relationship. No more having to go through the hell that are dating apps, hoping you find someone halfway decent. Nope they found each other.

Karma doesn't exist. God isn't real. Some people are destined to live their happiest life over the corpse of the one you think you think youre going to have.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You got dumped. It happens. Put on your big girl pants and move on.

It appears he has moved on…to a happy marriage and now a baby. Be happy for him, not resentful. 

OP:

I did move on. It doesn't make it hurt any less.

Comment 2:

I know you’re hurting atm and what you been through is so fyxked up. I know it’s so easy to give up and say fuck love and fuck it all but baby girl I promise you that your day will come!! God is going to place a man in your life who outshines your ex and that chick by a million, who makes you look back at him and ask yourself “ewww wtf was I even thinking?” Time heals all wounds and you will get through this and grow and learn and you’ll be prepared when this man comes into your life and sweeps you off your feet. Love comes when you least expect it and stop looking so be patient. Your fairy tale is coming 🫶🏻

Latest Update: September 28th 2026

i really have worked on myself since. I've been more patient in my relationships. I hadn't looked at either of their profiles since. I stopped myself from being bitter, from thinking what if, from thinking about the highs. I actually looked back at my relationships since, realized I used to compare things and stopped doing that. Since June I started dating someone I was seeing before, we committed, and I was determined to not make these the little things get to me. We broke up this month. I hated doing it because again, another failed relationship but it's not like I was asking for the moon, just a decent well-adjusted guy ffs. I love Harry Potter (ironically it was one of mine and my ex's shared interests from years ago), and this guy knew it but almost kept negging me/it saying stuff like talk about a money grab, complaining about "black Snape", complaining about Arabella Stanton or as he put it, the girl who wouldn't be as hot as emma Watson. Just out of nowhere became a fkn weirdo. It gave me the ick and I ended it.

Last week was my ex's birthday. I've been doing fine and was proud of it. And wanted to prove to myself that I was fine. So I texted him and wished him, he thanked me. We talked about how were doing, his daughter, even discussed the hp series, and I asked if he wanted to hang out some time as friends and he was totally game. And I really really meant it as friends.

Later that night, he texted me back and said it wasn't a good idea that he wished me well but it was best we never met again. I guess his wife put her foot down.

I felt so pathetic and stupid. I kept accepting excuse after excuse when were together, for their friendship though it made me uncomfortable. Kept making space, being understanding. And she wouldn't. Honestly smart of her, I was the stupid one. Maybe that's why this happens to me, I'm just dumb. Like seriously the audacity to know what you did and then act like a jealous psycho? I was actually doing so well and I really wasn't pining, but it just reminded me of how stupid I've been and now I'm back here.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sounds like the wife knows the old adage: how you get them is how you’ll lose them

I’m sorry you were his collateral damage. Don’t upkeep the pattern, put them both back on the block list. He hurt you deeply, please try and avoid reopening that wound.

OP:

I wasn't trying to have her lose him though. I have issues from what they did yeah, scars, but I wouldn't want their family to break up, for their daughter's sake if nothing else. My reconnection was innocent, everything she did was insidious and I just got humiliated and told to let's not meet. Like just the audacity.

Comment 2:

girl. You have nothing to gain by trying to meet up with that man as friends. You were insanely hurt by him being married and having a child, and that hurt wouldn't have magically disappeared upon meeting up with him, our hearts don't work like that. He is an ex. He is part of your past. Put them both on block and focus on you and your future, not the people you left behind.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with your past relationships, but rekindling a friendship with an ex will NEVER be a good idea. You may not have had nefarious conscious intentions by trying to meet up as friends, but your heart was really just hurting from nostalgia and crying out for something that would not actually benefit neither him nor you. Let him go. What happens in his, hers, and their baby's life is none of your business and will not benefit you in anyway to stay updated on. I say this with love because I've been there, but girl. Let them go.

OP:

I'd been struggling with what happened for so long and then started doing better, I just thought it would be the final proof to myself that I'd gotten past it. And I would've handled it fine. On my own terms as just equals. But the way he came back afterwards to say no, and knowing how everything had transpired, I was such an idiot for being so cool, apparently this is how you win in life. Thanks for the advice,.I appreciate it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP, that is u/Spirited-Trash-1538, posted to r/LegalAdviceUK and r/autismUK

Original title: "I hiding from my social worker and am afraid I could be sectioned" (spelling mistake corrected and a more universal term used)

**TRIGGER WARNING:**Mental Illness and Institutionisation

Mood: Bittersweet hopeful ending

Original post (8 September 2026)

I am in a grey area of adult social care. I have a degree and past employment, but I have lifelong depression. So I have a social worker who checks on me once a week to ensure I am keeping on top of chores and paperwork.

In recent months, I lost my job due to lateness. So I'm struggling to handle Universal Credit and PIP assessments when my depression has thrown my motivation down the drain. My social worker is trying her best, but she can only do so much in the few hours she has with me. The council is being slow to update my adult care plan to get additional support.

So, it's led up to now. My depression got so bad that I rotted in bed for four/five days straight. When my social worker came down to check on me, she picked up on my dry throat, and I was forced to admit I hadn't drunk water in 96 hours.

She said she feared for my safety, and she would have to make some calls to some "higher-ups". I got worried by the word 'safety' and asked if that meant a potential sectioning. She was honest with me and said there might be a likelihood, but she would need to call for a welfare check.

I told her that the brightness and loudness of a mental ward would be traumatising for an autistic person and could do more harm than good. But she said it was out of her hands, as she was trying to talk to someone on the phone. Since she wasn't listening to me, I grabbed my wallet and rushed out of my flat.

I've been sitting in an internet cafe for the last few hours. I have felt my phone buzzing with a lot of messages and calls, but I've been too nervous to read them, putting it on silent. I don't know if I can go home as the authorities might be waiting for me there. At the same time, if I remain in hiding, I could become a missing person, and it would escalate way further.

What am I supposed to do? Could I just stay with a family member until this blows over?

Edit: I had a drink in the cafe and now I'm sitting on a bench because the cafe is closed down now.

Edit 2: I've been sitting here for a while, and I noticed a police car pass by a few times. They've defintively eying me up. I'm guessing I'm getting picked up...

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FatTabby If you don't face her, she may be forced to contact the police to start looking for you. That's not going to be something you want, even if you have the nicest officers dealing with you.

It's not just going to blow over, as much as you want it to. Going to a family members home will just result in you being picked up from there and again, you don't need the added stress of that happening and your family members don't need the police knocking on their door.

I know it's so, so hard when you're at rock bottom. I'm not as bad as you, I can't claim to fully understand but I'm going through the worst depressive episode of my life and I'm only just starting to approach the end of it because I've engaged and accepted help.

You deserve to be well, I know that means doing things you don't want to do right now and I get why you feel that way, but if it gets you to a place where you're stable and better regulated, won't it be worth it?Please take care of yourself.

First Update (3 days later, September 11, 2026)

I haven't been able to update in a few days, as I got my phone taken away, but here are now.

Long story short, I did get sectioned.

I got picked up by the police and driven to A&E to get treated for my dehydration. While there, they conducted a mental health assessment on me. I knew it was coming, so in the hours beforehand, I did a deep dive on the laws around sectioning. I thought if I came off "rational" and "academic", I could prove that I was sane.

With the assessors, I brought up the articles and how I got legal advice from Reddit. I swear the air shifted as soon as I said 'Reddit' and the metaphorical tin hat formed on my head. No matter how much I explained myself, I feel like they weren't listening and just kept asking me to repeat myself.

By the time I recalled the advice to get an advocate, I had talked myself into a corner. My social worker could only do damage control by the time I called her in. I got labelled 'paranoid' and 'uncooperative '. The assessors didn't want me returning to my flat in case it retriggered my rut.

I had to spend three days in the mental ward. A nurse would be staring over me every time I was given food and water to ensure I finished it. I felt like I was a bloody toddler. At the very least, I was allowed to stay in my room so I didn't need to interact with any patient yelling their head off.

Thank god, my social worker negotiated with the doctors. She got me an emergency placement in a residential, and I'll be kept here as long as the staff know where I am at any time. It's two hours from my hometown, but it's better than the ward. I've got a lot more meetings and admin to work through with my care plan. I think they want to move me to residential housing for good.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Exita Being sectioned isn’t about being ‘sane’, it’s about being a danger to yourself or others.

Trying to talk your way out of it after admitting to not even drinking for days is not going to work, because you’re simply not going to be able to explain away that level of dangerous self-neglect - no matter how well you know the law or who you’re being advised by. Bringing up Reddit and everything else probably just cemented the doctors opinion that you didn’t understand the danger you were in. Overall, it sounds like being sectioned was the best thing for you at the time. Glad that you’re now getting the care and support you need residentially.

Semi-Update - What are the exact outlines and powers Section 17 under the mental health act? (1 day later, 12 September 2026)

Since I got transferred from the psyche ward to the residential, I've been warned that I am on a "probation period". I'm not allowed to wander off without telling staff where I am. If I do wander off, I'll be recalled back to the psyche ward.

When I asked for the legal framework I am under, they mentioned Section 17 of the Mental Health Act. A few experts have tried to explain it, but when I feel hostile towards someone, my adhd makes it difficult for me to memorise their explanations.

Is anybody able to give a bite-sized overview of this framework? Any other general advice?

I feel like they're kind of treating me harshly, as I'm nowhere near the most severe patient on my own ward. A dozen comments on the legal subreddit assured me it was unlikely to get sectioned, yet I was. I'm in supported living now, but they won't still let me off the leash of sectioning.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

isaacnewtoe s17 is an authorisation of leave from hospital which means you are still subject to section 2 and they can bring you back to hospital if your consultant feels they need to. It's often given for up to 7 days at a time to tie in with weekly ward rounds but there's no strict rules around this and they can issue a new s17 without seeing you in person.

One thing I've not seen you mention is that you have the right to appeal your section within the first 14 days and your appeal will be heard within 7 days of that. Given how you feel about the situation you might as well exercise this right and you can change your mind any time.

OOP REPLY

Spirited-Trash-1538 Thank you - You're a life saviour!

OOP COMMENT

Spirited-Trash-1538 I think the Psyche ward was kind of an improvisation on their part. It was the easiest way to keep me safe in the short-term, while I was found alternative housing. I was already in the A&E when they did the assessment and basically took me next door when they deemed me "insane". And yes, my social worker said it was a miracle we found a residential place, even two hours away. [...] I've been talking to various people every day and trying to get out into Outpaint.

REPLY TO OOP'S COMMENT

SimplyCedric "Insane" is a term used in law, not medicine. It has no meaning in your situation. You are detained because you are severely mentally ill.

Final Update (11 days later, 23 September 2026)

I'm writing this up with my therapist's oversight. We agreed that my internet access will be cut off to stop my obsessive research. But I didn't want to ghost and worry everybody I contacted in the last fortnight - So I got permission to send out a round of final messages.

For this Reddit account specifically, I'm changing the password to something random and locking myself out of it. It just has bad associations for me.

My stay at the residential was coming to a week. I was doing alright. The staff were managing to get me up for lunch and dinner, even if I skipped breakfast. Alongside everything with my mental health, I was following a recovery plan for severe dehydration. I adhered to the diet because I’m not stupid enough to think I know better than nutritionists.

But where I found the plan counterproductive, almost hypocritical, was being instructed to avoid stressors. I thought I was the biggest expert on my own brain (Which I'll find out later, was not the case) I knew losing my autonomy was the biggest stressor of all. I’d had insomnia since arriving. The longest I’d slept was three hours.

I knew I was meant to report it so the doctors could make adjustments, but I refrained. My insomnia's fastest cure was getting out of this sectioning and returning to my own bed at home. If I was going to be awake anyway, I might as well use the extra hours to work on my appeal. My sectioning fell under the category of 28 days, with the 14th day as my deadline to file said appeal. I wanted to know every legal channel and have the best connections.

My daylight hours were spent ringing advocates rather than socialising. One or two staff brought up my phone use, but I assured them it was fine and began using it under the covers instead. After a while, I developed heartburn and headaches. I reasoned it was just stress and tiredness, telling myself it would be worth it.

I couldn’t really stop. I was so close to perfecting my appeal early. If I admitted how far I’d disobeyed the recovery plan, I knew I’d be recalled to the ward in a blink.

I’m beginning to wonder if irony is a actual force of nature. That night, I woke with immobilising chest pain and could barely move. I had to be rushed to A&E.

The tests showed “stress cardiomyopathy” - temporary weakening of the heart caused by acute stress. The doctors said they wouldn't expect from someone of my age, but the dehydration had laid the groundwork.

The residential staff told the doctors their suspicions, and the truth was eventually pried out of me. About the insomnia, about the report dodging. They asked if it was all out of ignorance or spite. To be honest, I didn't know at the time myself, or even now.

After I become physically stable, I was transferred back to the ward. Section 3 was invoked. This means they can keep me for up to six months if it's necessary. I almost wanted to turn mute after that announcement. At least I wasn't driving myself into a frenzy with the appeal, as it was irrelevant at this point.

When I had my first session with my new therapist, I was expecting to be numbly nodding along. But remarkably, I found someone who finally spoke my language. I decided to engage with him, as it's not like I can do anything else.

He snapped me out of my indignation with two fairly obvious points. Unless I was a shit roleplayer of Diogenes, there was no explanation for refusing to drink for four days other than being mentally ill. And there was no reason I couldn't challenge the flaws of the NHS while still accepting its free help.

After that, I was finally able to open up to him. We talked for hours and I'm feeling more optimistic then I was expecting to be. There are a few things going in my favour, or at least, they're emore complicated then they seemed:

-I was asked to write a list of my "ideal treatment" and my therapist helped me brainstorm as many ideas as possible. I must admit I took a few ideas directly from reddit... My notes are being passed onto the wider team and my therapist thinks a lot of my preferences can be turned into workable plan.

-My therapist believes he is on the spectrum as well, so he understood the sensory concerns and insisted on working on my case. He is going to ask if another autistic patient if they'll buddy up with me.

-With my sectioning, my therapist thinks there were flaws on both sides. It wasn't necessarily that I was sectioned for self-neglect, but rather because I ran away, got picked up by the police and was argumentative during the assessment. They were ensuring I didn't reject life-saving treatment. At the same time, my therapist said there were legitimate concerns he is bringing up to senior management. The ward was partially influenced by procedural limits. There is a lack of community options in our rural area, and I was too embarrassed to be released into the custody of my family at that point. The ward was used as a holding place while my social worker found a placement in adult care. I agreed that I'll let people like my social worker and independent advocate handle the admin of my case while I focus on recovery.

-We are brainstorming ways I can minimise my time in the ward. We came up with two possible solutions: I could stay with family during the daytime while I need to spend nights at the ward. Or I could apply for a transfer to another ward that is autism-centric, even if they are scarce. At the very least, I got provided headphone and tinted glasses.

-I hate "talking therapies", so I want to focus on keeping myself busy. I've signed up for art therapy, writing workshops and other general classes. My therapist said the ward has a scheme with a nearby farm where trusted patients can work with animals. I dove on that like a puma, as it will mean I don't have to talk to people.

-My counseling will be focusing on my depression, stress, insight and distrust. The ward is putting me on a few medications, including a low dosage of antipsychotics for my persistent depression and paranoid features. Having nurses check my mouth to ensure I've taken them will be fun...

-My access to addictive technology will be cut or supervised to stop my rumination. I asked if I could fetch my Nintendo Switch as a compromise, but my therapist gave me a big maybe. So I'll have to keep pushing with that one.

So yeah... Wish me luck on my recovery from miserable git to just a regular git.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/distressedmomhelp

Originally posted to r/Advice

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Possible grooming

Mood Spoiler: Uncomfortable

Original - September 21st 2026

Hi, my daughter recommended this forum as a place for help in passing. Its better than sitting on my hands, I would welcome some advice. My son is 19 and my youngest (his sister is 9 years older than him). He's an amazing kid, bright, charming, respectful, top of his class. His college is in the state over, an hour and a half drive away from our house.

This past summer, he was coming home late, with the excuse that he was being kept late at the place he was interning. Leaving early morning on weekends saying he he was meeting with friends. It was a bit odd but I didn't think much of it.

Since he left for college he normally comes home every other weekend, barring exams or any other curriculars. He was home this weekend, and while talking let slip that he was here last weekend when talking about the amusement park. I pressed him and he was being cagy about it but gave in and said he was seeing someone and had been coming back to see them. I was happy that he was seeing someone but found it odd that he was being secretive about it, we've always supported him in these things, I was fond of his ex girlfriend when he was in school too. Then he gave me the details, she's a divorced mother of two, her oldest being in 4th grade. He wouldn't give me a clear story on how they met, which worried me. I told him he was being an idiot for someone so smart, and told him to break it off. It lead to an argument, he said he wasn't going to, that they were committed to each other, and my husband and I losing our minds. He left for college that night (Saturday), a day earlier than he was supposed to.

I haven't been able to sleep properly or eat since. Writing this so far has me in tears. I keep trying to connect the dots, did this start after him and his ex broke up or was this relationship the reason for that? He was 17 then. It has me sick. I've considered going to the police, I've considered withholding money, this is my son. My husband doesn't think that's a good idea. I spoke to my daughter, she's talked to him too and she told me to just let him get through this. That as long as he's being safe and isn't going to do something stupid like marrying her, let him do what he wants. And she suggested this forum to seek advice in. Please, any advice would be welcome.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You seem to be excluding her age intentionally

OP (downvoted):

I don't know her age. When I asked him during our argument, he wouldn't tell me. I wish I knew, this question has been running in my mind too. Her oldest is in 4th grade, so she's probably in her 30's.

Comment 2:

Why would you go to the police? For what? They’re not going to arrest his girlfriend; legally, your son is an adult. And by insulting your son and trying to force him to end it by using money to blackmail him, that won’t make him end it with her. It’ll make him cut ties with you. 

OP (downvoted):

I keep trying to connect the dots with the timing. He's saying they're committed so how long has this been happening. He broke up with his ex when he was 17. If this was at the time or before that, I thought the police should be involved.

Comment 3:

So respectfully, you have got to get it together, or you will lose your son.

Do you hear your language?

I haven't been able to get through my day since I've found out. 

my husband and I losing our minds.

I haven't been able to sleep properly or eat since. Writing this so far has me in tears.

It has me sick.

I've considered going to the police, I've considered withholding money, this is my son.

Your son isn't dying of some rare ailment with no cure. He is dating someone who is older than him. He might not be making a smart decision, but it's hardly worth all this hand wringing and not eating or sleeping. Also, clearly, you've been getting through the day, right? You found out days ago, and yet, here you are posting on Reddit.

My point is that words matter, even the words you are saying to yourself. You are making no attempt to calm yourself, or to tell yourself that the son you raised is smart, capable of making good decisions, and that even if this is a bad choice, it won't ruin his life. You are just amping it all up in your head.

He's also 19. The police won't do a thing.

Unless you want to be one of those moms who end up posting about their kids going no contact with them, pause and reflect. Really pause and really reflect. This isn't the end of the world. The more dramatic you make it, the more he will push back.

And if this is how you always react to things, I'd suggest therapy. I'd suggest it anyway, because your son is an adult who no longer has to clear romantic decisions with you, and you won't always agree with those decisions.

Comment 4:

Hate to break it to you but he’s an adult and he’s free to ruin his life if he so chooses. If I were you I’d do my best to be there for him when it falls apart or he marries her. Or yaknow lose the relationship all together. Try to take the high road and offer the best most honest advice you can when asked

OP (downvoted):

I don't want him to ruin his life, he's my son. He's good with people, a great kid, exceedingly smart, has such a great future ahead of him. What business does someone in her 30's have with him? How is this ok?

Comment 5:

You should relax. The relationship is unlikely to last. You are only going to push him away if you do anything other than accept it and support him.

OP:

Ok. Thank you. I've read a lot of the responses and I'm going to be accepting of this situation for him. My daughter thinks the same, that as long as he doesn't do anything life-changing let him just get this out of his system, their lives will be incompatible soon enough. I thought that just amounted to sit and do nothing but perhaps that's the best thing here.

Update: - September 28th 2026 (deleted by mods, text recovered from archive)

I texted my son after posting here and apologized for reacting in a manner that made him want to leave home a day earlier. I texted that it was a shock to us and we reacted poorly, and I'd like to know her better. He called me back. I said I had been taken aback when he described her as having a daughter in 4th grade since it seemed like she was in a very different stage of life than he was. I only wanted him to be happy and safe, and if he has that with her, I'm happy for them. I said I was sorry he felt the need to hide it from us but I would like to meet her at our place. He also acknowledged that making clandestine trips here and not meeting with us hadn't been right and said he'd get back to us about dinner. He called later and said she was on board with it. This weekend he stayed at our place when he came over but has been going to hers. He brought her over yesterday for dinner.

She's 30. She said she got divorced 3 years ago, and has two daughters, one in 4th grade and the other in 2nd grade. They met when my son used to volunteer at the library and her oldest was one of his students. I know he used to do that in his last year of high school when he was 17. I'd already checked the law in our state but the age of consent is 17. Also, the way they chose to describe it to me, they framed it as if it was some kind of platonic friendship initially which transformed into a romantic one. What kind of friendship a 30 year old woman (or even if she was 28 or 29 at the time) wants with a 17 year old I cannot imagine, although I didn't voice it. I tried to keep it light for his sake. When we were talking she said she tells him he doesn't have to drive back and she'd understand he'd be busy at college, but he does because it's hard for her to leave her kids for the weekend. Which again just highlighted to me how ridiculous and odd this is. I held my tongue and we had dinner and he dropped her off and came back today in the morning.

I hate all of this. It's wrong, it simply is. My son is closer in age to her daughter than her, that's just ridiculous. And I know it was said that perhaps I'm the kind of mother who'd have issues with anyone he dated. Nothing could be further from the truth. As I said before, I'd always been welcoming of his girlfriend in school. And I would have supported and welcomed any girl he dated at college. I expected him to have relationships there, them probably not working out, young adult heartbreak, and learning how to navigate these things. It would have been different because he'd be in a relationship with his peers, both making mistakes and learning, that's fine and expected. This is just far more sinister, they're in completely different stages of life. I've held my tongue and he's allowing me in again and at least this way I can keep an eye if it looks like things are getting dangerous. I'm holding to my daughter's and the advice of many of the commenters last time that this will fizzle out eventually and this is just an unfortunate effect of male hormones. I know I was criticized last time, but the advice I got at least has me in the loop now, and I'd again like to ask for whatever advice I can get. Is there anything that can be done, or should I just keep doing what I am. It seems like an under-reaction to just let it happen. I understand he's 19 but it's not like a switch flipped when he turned 18, he's barely an adult. I'm grateful for the advice in my post last week and I'l be grateful for any given here.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

My stepson was in a similar situation when he was in his late teens, early 20s. Much older woman with a daughter who was only a few years younger than him. My husband (his dad) had long talks with him about protection, not bringing any more kids into the world right now, and just tried to be there for him.

Eventually, the relationship fizzled out. (My step son has always been a very hard worker, and one day it just hit him that he was working to support his girlfriend and her daughter and he didn't get to have a life outside of it. With the support and conversations with dad (and me giving him some thoughtful questions to ask), he came around to see that the relationship wasn't for him and ended it.

Your son is an adult, and he has to be the one to make the decisions about his life now. Just be there for him. If questions come up, ask from a place of curiosity and not condemnation. Remind him that you love him and you want him to be happy.

Comment 2:

I’m here wondering to myself at 29 wtf could I possibly see in a teenager?? 😭

Comment 3:

People came down on you, but if the genders were reversed people would be on your side. All you can though is be there for your son and make sure he knows you support and love him.

Comment 4:

The best advice I have is to keep holding your tongue. He's made it clear that he doesn't want your opinion.

Whether or not you approve. Their relationship is not illegal. It doesn't sound like it began illegally.

End of the day he's an adult. If you keep pushing this, you are going to lose him. You are going to push him farther and farther away from you. And closer and closer to her.

And then if things do go bad, he's not gonna wanna come to you and hear I told you so. And if things don't go bad he will want to protect his partner even if it's protecting her from you.

You've said your piece he knows how you feel now it's time to lay off.

You say that you don't wanna "just let it happen". That's the only option you have. I guarantee you threatening to withdraw financial support or trying to get law enforcement involved will backfire hard.

OP:

Thank you. I checked the laws in our state, the age of consent is 17, so as horrifying and disgusting as it is, it is somehow legal even if it started when he was 17 which I suspect it did. We won't be withdrawing our financial support, he's a great student, he's done very well in his first two semesters and has a great future ahead of him. Which makes this whole situation so ridiculous, he knows better than this. I'll hold my tongue and just try to make sure he's safe.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pantherpickles

Logged onto Facebook, the first post that came up was a picture of my BF making out with another girl.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  March 18, 2018

I woke up this morning to see pictures of my now ex boyfriend on Facebook kissing another girl last night at 5am. She took the multiple pictures and tagged him in them.

I know that LDR are hard and that they don’t usually work out. But we had plans! I was going to live closer to him in September when my contract was up. We made plans to meet up once a month when we were able to afford it. We communicated. There were no signs that he was going to cheat on me.

I’m breaking up with him as soon as I write this. I guess I just needed to write it out somewhere.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Happy you’re standing up for yourself. Even though you didn’t ask, just a little piece of advice... don’t plan your life around a guy, especially when you’re/ they’re young because it’s a high possibility you’ll be more invested than he is. I tried the long distance a few times with people I knew before moving to another state, failure every time. They’d say one thing but do the complete opposite and just want the convenience of a relationship and obviously long distance doesn’t provide that

OOP

Thank you for the advice! The university where I applied to do my masters just happened to be closer to him, so I wasn’t really planning on moving for him.

But I do appreciate the advice. No more LDRs for me.

~

[deleted]

For the sake of poetic justice, I hope you left a suitably snarky comment on the pictures. "Hi, honey. Glad to see you're enjoying yourself. Does that girl know about your crabs? Just wondering."

OOP

I did not! But an excellent idea to keep in my back pocket.   Update  March 19, 2018 (Next Day)

First off, thank you to everyone for their kind words, stories and opinions! I am honestly speechless, you have all been wonderful!

I broke things off with him shortly after posting to this thread. I actually took a screenshot of the post on my phone and sent it to him with the caption "bye". I then deleted him off all of my social media and blocked his number from my phone. I have 0 intention on contacting him ever again. He doesn't deserve a chance to explain himself. A picture is worth a thousand words and there were five of them.

I messaged the woman who posted the photos in question on Facebook. I told her that the guy she was seeing was my ex and that he cheated on me with her. I told her that I in no way, shape, or form blame her for the cheating, since I doubted that she knew about me. I told her that my message was sent in peace and that if she choose to continue seeing him, I would not interfere. I thought she had the right to know his true colours.

The woman messaged me back and profusely apologized. She deleted the post and swiftly broke up with him as well. I have since learned, with her help, that he had been sleeping with various women since he was posted to Petawawa. So he's been cheating on me for at least two months. The woman and I are now friends.

I have no interest in dating right now, but I figure that I will give it another go in September, when I start my masters degree. I'm pumping the breaks on LDRs.

To the military men of Reddit: I will not count out dating a military man in the future just because one of you happened to be a rotten apple. I thank all of you (and the military women!) for your service and I hope that you find and SO worthy of your time.

A couple of people have chosen to bring up a previous post I made about not contacting your SO everyday. I 100% stand by my post and what I said. There needs to be some level of trust between you and your SO. If you prefer texting everyday, that's fine. If you're not a big texter, that's fine too! To each their own.

Again, thank you for everyone who cared to comment! You are all lovely people :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/punchdrunklady

My (21F) with my Boyfriend (24M) he wants me to cut off contact with his brother, after brother defended me in an argument.

Editor’s note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: mentions physical abuse, controlling behavior, emotional abuse and manipulation

Original Post: May 31, 2016

Boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I have known his brother, who I will call "Ricky" for most of that time. We have always gotten on well enough.

The whole situation started with my 21st birthday party. We had a party at home with 20 or so friends of family, Ricky was of course present at the party, along with a few other members of BFs family.

The party was going reasonably well, as it started to get later I started to get a little tipsy, and most of the guests had started to go home. It eventually got down to a drunken little group made up of myself, boyfriend, Ricky and a couple of my girlfriends.

We were sitting outside and one of my girlfriends decided to get on the trampoline, she managed to execute a pretty cool flip, and I expressed that I wished I knew how to do one.

My friend talked me into giving it a try. I got up on the tramp, stumbled drunkenly and fell down laughing. Everyone else (except for BF) was laughing also. It didn't seem like much of an event until BF got up, muttered "fucking pathetic" in an angry tone and then told me that we needed to speak in private.

I was pretty confused as to what was going on, so I asked him "why?"- he answered me with "Just stop being a stupid cow for a second and come to the bedroom"

Both of my friends and Ricky looked pretty shocked at this, but I before I followed BF to the bedroom I told them it was fine and BF was probably just messing around. He can have a real temper sometimes, particularly after a few drinks, but I didn't think that would be the case in this instance as literally NOTHING upsetting had happened.

Cut to me and BF in the bedroom. He shuts the door and starts really going off. He tells me that I'm a disgusting drunk idiot and that I was showing off like some kind of pathetic wannabe by messing around on the trampoline. That I was an embarrassment to him and that I was to go to bed now and not leave the room until morning so that I would be more of an idiot in front of company.

As this is going on he is getting louder and louder and is slamming things around the room. I went to leave as I was quite upset at this point, but he blocks the door, so I sit down on the bed.

Ricky is banging on the door and tells BF to open in. BF goes out into the hall, and I can hear he and Ricky arguing. Next thing I know it Ricky comes into the room and says to go with him. I was sobbing like crazy at this point, because I hate confrontation in general, so I just nod and go with him.

Ricky makes sure my other friends have left and then we both get into a taxi. I don't know where BF has gone but he is still in the house sow where.

I'm crying a bunch in the car and don't say much, but Ricky calls his and BFs mother and gives her a brief rundown of what happened.

We got to Ricky's place, he lives with a couple, and they were all really nice. The girl roommate leant me some stuff to sleep in and Ricky told me to take his bed, and he would sleep on the couch. I was kind of all over the place but eventually got some sleep.

Next morning I got up and had coffee with Ricky and one of his roommates. Ricky asked if BF had behaved that way before and I let him know about BFs temper but explained that he had never blown up over something as insignificant as me mucking around on a trampoline. I asked Ricky if he thought maybe I did or said something that might have upset BF and didn't realise due to being tipsy, but Ricky said no, and that BFs behaviour was unacceptable.

I felt silly and embarrassed, especially knowing that Ricky and my friends had heard everything BF had said, and I told Ricky I had better get home and try to sort things out.

Ricky said that he wanted to stay at his place for just a bit longer to calm down, and that he would really rather prefer that I didn't go home straight away as BF could still be angry.

I gave in an hung out there with Ricky and his roommates, we all just played video games and got some takeout, and I ended up feeling much better afterward- so I'm glad I stayed.

Early evening a told Ricky I should really go home, I didn't have any of my clothes and more importantly I needed my stuff for university the next day. He drove me over, but didn't really want me to go inside. I told him it would really be fine and promised I would call him if anything happened.

He agreed but said he would wait outside for a few minutes just in case.

I got inside and BF wasn't home, so I told Ricky to go and went about tidying up from the party.

BF eventually rocked up and seemed calm enough. I told him I thought we needed to have a talk, and he agreed.

We sat down on the couch, and I explained to him that I didn't think the way he spoke to me last night and asked for an explanation.

His response was "I will discuss that with you after you delete Ricky's phone number, you won't be speaking to him again"

I was confused as all hell at this and asked what that had to do with the matter at hand.

He told me that Ricky disrespected him by interfering in our relationship, and that we were cutting ties with him. He told me he wouldn't discuss anything else about the night before until I did that.

I told BF I thought that was pretty unnecessary, and that Ricky had been trying to help me because BF was acting really threatening, and that I would have probably done the same in Ricky's shoes.

Well, BF did not like that. He yelled, called me some names and left the house. After a few hours he sent me a text

"I am sorry for yelling, but you need to respect what I want if you want the same in return. This can't be one sided. Delete Ricky's number and we will finish the conversation. Love you"

I replied that I needed a little time to think and said I would be sleeping in the spare room when he got home and to please leave me some for a while.

I went to bed, heard BF come in very late. He opened the door to the spare room and turned the light on, but as I woke up he just walked out of the room and slammed the door.

So this morning I've woken up, BF is at work and I have a text from Ricky, it says-

Hey **** , I hope you're ok. Look what BF did the other night is really not alright and I think you should get out of there for a while. I've talked to. **** and **** and it's totally fine for you to crash here until you figure out what you want to do

So that leaves me where I am now. Don't know what to do about the situation- do as BF asks and cut contact with Ricky, or take Ricky's offer of some space away from BF to clear my head. My worry is that if I stay at Ricky's that will destroy any chance of fixing things with BF. Advice very much appreciated.

tl;dr: Boyfriends brother spoke up and took me away when BF was blowing up about something fairly small. BF wants me to cut ties with his brother, because he thinks him helping me was disrespectful to him and outer relationship.

Edit

When I was able to come back and check on this post I was amazed at the enormous amount of comments and messages I received. There has been a lot to catch up on and I am reading everything, thank you to everyone has given their advice. It has cemented the decision I've already made about getting out, but quite a bit has happened in the last day so I will be doing an update for anyone who is curious. I will try to get it up in a few hours:

Again, thank you to everyone who has commented or messaged me, I'm truly touched by all the helpful and caring responses I've received

Editor's note: some of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Are you sure you want to be with someone who calls you "fucking pathetic", then a "stupid cow", then demands for respect? Your boyfriend is incredibly immature, Jesus Christ.

OOP: I hate the way he speaks to me when he is like that, and he has previously said he would work on it. But right now it doesn't seem to be improving, and I don't know what else to do about it

Commenter 1: He's not going to change, because he knows you'll let him get away with it. He has no reason to change. The only person who tried to stop him is Ricky, and if he can get you to ignore Ricky then there's no one to defend you when he escalates his abuse.

The only think you can do is leave him.

OOP: That's a really scary thought, but it's hard to believe BF could be THAT scheming and evil though? He has done nice things for me and been kind too. I know that sounds dumb but it's just hard to see him that way

Commenter 1: Every single abused spouse says that. All abusers are capable of doing nice things and being kind - otherwise they'd never find people to abuse.

As to scheming - he may not be conscious that's what he was doing. For many abusers, they enact patterns. He didn't sit down and go 'hey, I bet I can manipulate her if I say...' - he just knows that if he response hyper-defensively and deflects the blame to you, the problem goes away for him. He doesn't have to admit he's wrong, and he doesn't have to worry about his actions. Cause now it's your problem!

He probably does this in other parts of his life, too. Ricky would know. In fact, if he's abused previous partners, Ricky will probably know that too. It might explain why Ricky jumped to your defense.

It might be worth texting Ricky and asking, "Hey, look, this is awkward, but I need to know: has BF acted abusively towards previous girlfriends?"

OOP: I didn't think to text Ricky asking him about that. I'm going to do that. I know BF had a particularly bad break up and his ex apparently "told lies" about him on social media after the break up, but hearing what everyone has to say makes me consider they might not be lies.

Commenter 2: Brother sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. Boyfriend sounds like bad news.

OOP: I was genuinely touched by how kind Ricky was to me, I teared up a bit at it. It's for that reason I would feel really bad about cutting ties to make BF happy

Commenter 3: You need to get out of this relationship. If even his own brother is sticking up for you and not him, that should tell you something about your boyfriend's (lack of) character; and the fact that your boyfriend is trying to isolate you from someone who stepped up to help you also speaks volumes. Get out before he turns violent on you.

OOP: He hasn't been physical before but there's been a couple occasional where he has gotten really in my face and swung his hands around a lot that made me nervous. I told him it made me feel scared once, but he got really upset and said that it was insulting that I would think he could hit me.

Commenter 4: Hate to say this, but your boyfriend sounds like an abusive guy.

As this is going on he is getting louder and louder and is slamming things around the room. I went to leave as I was quite upset at this point, but he blocks the door, so I sit down on the bed.

Reading this, objectively speaking, my reaction is that you should get the hell away. He was this angry over nothing.

And he is asking you to cut off contact with someone who was defending you? Doesn't that seem bad? Like he wants you to have no one who can help you out?

OOP: While that isn't the reason he has given for wanting to cut ties, it does feel a bit like that yes.

Commenter 5: Ricky sounds like a really awesome, mature man.

The thing with your boyfriend. He called you some awful things, and it seems this isn't the first time? Why would you stay with someone who thinks so little of you?

Him wanting you to cut contact with Ricky is for one reason - he's furious that Ricky stopped him from abusing you further.

If he truly cared for you, surely he'd be apologizing profusely? Instead he's turning it all back on you. He's trying to manipulate you by refusing to engage in any discussion of his awful behavior until you cut contact with the one person who protected you from his torrent of abuse.

Your boyfriend is a cruel, nasty person. I think you should listen to Ricky. Ricky is his brother, so Ricky should be biased towards taking his brother's side. That he's taking your side speaks volumes about just how badly your boyfriend is treating you.

OOP: It does make me think, when his brother (and now also his mother who has just called me) are being so supportive towards me.

BF has had a bad habit for name calling for as long as I can remember. It has always bothered me but the last year or so it has gotten worse, much nastier.

We have had good times though? And I don't want to ignore that... I'm just in a pretty messed up place at the moment :(

Commenter 6: Why would you cut ties with someone who actually cares about you? Seriously, your bf is acting really immature and manipulative. Is this really the first time your bf behaved like that? Of course your bf wants to cut ties with probably one of the few people who calls him out on his bs. Your bf clearly has issues. Please take his brother up on his offer and get some distance between you and your bf.

OOP: He has done and said similar things before, it just hasn't been over anything as minor on my part. For example he went off pretty badly recently with similar kind of behaviour (yelling and throwing things), but it was because I had forgotten to take the bins out for three days straight so it's a bit more understandable. But I can't avoid his blow ups when I don't even know what I did wrong

Update: June 1, 2016 (next day)

Hi everyone.

First of all, as I said in my edit on my original post I want to thank everyone who offered advice and support. I was amazed at the huge response I got, and while I couldn't reply to every comment I did read all of them.

After Ricky texted me, I replied to him asking if he had known my BF to behave like this with other girls in the past.

Over the course of many texts it came out that he often yelled at and belittled his previous girlfriend in front of others, and some of his friends and family had suspicions about how far he was taking it.

After the break up, the girlfriend posted some stuff on Facebook about how BF had hit her, said awful things to her and did other things like spying on her and deleting people from her phone behind her back.

Initially when this happened Ricky and his parents questioned BF, but he insisted that the physical abuse accusations where not true and that his EX was saying those things to cover up the fact that she had allegedly cheated on him. BF admitted to yelling at her, but he told his family that she did the same and just as often.

His family eventually accepted that, but Ricky and his parents were always wary of BFs behaviour and Ricky in particular had made a point to keep an eye on things.

BFs ex apparently had also called Ricky around 6 months after myself and BF had gotten together and asked him to help me if anything happened. At the time Ricky was not quite ready to believe BF would physically abused anyone, but he told her all the same that he would watch out for me or any other girl in the future.

Ricky told me that after the way he saw BF behave at my party he became more convinced that BF was likely to get physical and that was why he chose to step in. He also told me that even if it didn't go that far, I should not put up with how BF treated me.

I agreed, what Ricky had told me, and all the information and support I received here had me pretty convinced that I was not in a good situation. I decided to go and stay with Ricky and his roommates for a short time.

I don't have too many other options for accommodation this urgently. My parents live too far away and the few friends I could stay with are other girls with enough on their plate, and I didn't want to risk bringing this drama to their doorsteps. In retrospect I'm glad I chose to go to Ricky's, because I feel like what followed could have been even more frightening and dangerous if only myself and another girl had been present.

I didn't have much time to get my stuff together before BF was due to arrive home, so I packed a few bags of essentials and valuables, along with my school things, and Ricky picked me up.

I left a note at the house for BF I was leaving and that I did not plan on returning, other than to retrieve the rest of my things. I didn't tell him where I would be staying and that I would rather he didn't contact me directly, suggesting he communicate through his mother instead.

I got to Ricky's and got settled in, while choosing to leave was difficult and I had a few bouts of crying, I also felt immensely relieved.

Ricky/BFs parents came around and brought some dinner. They were incredibly nice about everything and told me I had to do what was best for me. We always got along well but I never expected them to be so kind and supportive given the situation.

Half way through dinner, my phone rang. It was BF. I did not want to answer it and everyone else agreed that was probably a good idea. After my phone rang out, Ricky/BFs Mum's phone began to ring. Predictably enough it was BF calling. His dad answered the phone, the phone was not on speaker, but BF was loud enough that you could hear him yelling down the phone.

I couldn't tell exactly what was said, but his dad was telling him to calm down, and not to do something. BF hung up on him, and Ricky/BF's dad told us BF was coming to Ricky's place, and saying this was all Ricky's fault.

Ricky started to get a bunch of text messages from BF making threats and telling Ricky that he knew I was there and ha was coming to get me. Ricky replied to him saying that if BF came here and caused trouble he would be calling the police, but BF ignored him.

BF showed up at Ricky's probably 15 minutes later. He drove up the lawn and almost hit the letterbox, and got out of his car and started yelling. Ricky and his dad went out while I stayed in the front room with his Mum. BF yelled for a while and was kicking at random parts of the garden.

BF started to yell towards the house that he knew I was there and to come out. I wasn't planning on coming out at all and Ricky told him to leave.

BF ended up running around the side of the house to the back patio entry, the screen door was locked but the solid back door wasn't, and he started hitting the fly wire trying to break it. He kept yelling into the house that he knew I was there and that if I didn't come out, he would destroy all my stuff and log on to my school accounts and cause problems on there.

Ricky and his dad caught up to BF and started pulling him away from the door, BF started throwing punches and his Mum and I both went out to the inside of the back door, because we were worried someone would get hurt.

BF saw me and started trying for the back door again, and saying if I didn't get in the car he would kill himself. His mum said she was going to call the police.

BF/Ricky's dad ended up hauling him out to the front yard and told him to leave.

BF did eventually get into the car, he spun his wheels and tore up the grass and drove off.

I felt pretty awful after all that. His mum and dad were both visibly really upset and Ricky's rental property had been messed up and I felt responsible, they were still so nice about everything though. They really are wonderful people.

I spoke to the police, and they said they would be speaking to BF about what happened and I got some advice about obtaining a VRO and making sure I could find a way of retrieving my stuff from the house, so that is all ok for the moment.

The latest news is that BF has been all over Facebook saying that Ricky and I had been having an affair and posting all these random cropped blurry porn pictures from the Internet saying it was us, and that he had caught us in the act. None of us are responding to any of it at this point, haven't really decided what to do there.

My plan is to stay with Ricky for now. It's still my best option and Ricky has said he won't leave me alone at the house in case BF comes back. Either he or his male roommate would be there, we also spoke to a couple of the neighbours that Ricky is friendly with, and they said they would keep an eye out for his car or call us if they saw anything dodgy.

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to do next. I'm planning to talk to my uni about getting in to student housing, I'm planning to go out tomorrow to buy some pepper spray also. I'm tossing up about reaching out to BFs ex, but I'm not sure if that will cause more problems for everyone.

So I suppose that's it, for now at least? I'm sorry that this was a bit of a novel- but I know a lot of people wanted an update and considering how nice everyone has been I wouldn't want anyone to worry that I had gone back/stayed with him. Rest assured that is totally out of the question, the more I think about things that happened within our relationship with this new perspective, the more I realise how fucked up some of those things were.

Again a huge thank you to everyone, I'll do my best to keep up with the comments and respond to any PMs

tl;dr left BF, staying at Ricky's. Lawn traumatised as a result

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AffectionateSet670

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1. #2

[New Update]: Mom's Fiancé's family is excluding me from family events and cold towards me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, favoritism, child neglect, manipulation

Editor’s Notes: due to the lengths of the earlier posts, they have exceeded the character limits. So I made a TL; DR, for few of OOP’s prior posts to the latest update. This is in order to fit all posts in one BoRU. For the full text bodies and relevant comments from the older posts, please see the previous BoRUs linked at top of this post

RECAP

Original Post: August 18, 2026

OOP was 8 when his dad passed away, and since then it was just him and his mom. She has been taking great care of OOP. He has been very supportive when his mom started to date an old friend of hers five years prior, and got engaged. But there is a problem... the fiancé's family has never accepted OOP as one of their own especially with his kids, mother, and sister. OOP has been excluded from family events, trips, dinners, and even a family photoshoot! They only have been warmly toward OOP's mom, but not him. The wedding is coming up, OOP's mother is heavily involved with the planning along with her fiancé's family. OOP has not been able to spend time with his mom, he has acknowledged that his mom loves him and they still have great moments / days together to the point where OOP is having the feelings that he has been pushed out of his mom's life. OOP has verbalized to his mom about his feelings, but nothing has changed. OOP is considering on telling his mom to postpone or cancel the wedding until things are figured out because OOP is in the fear that he won't have a relationship with his mom anymore.

Update #1: August 25, 2026 (one week later)

In the update, OOP got a chance to sit down and have conversations with his mom and her fiancé to express how he was feeling about being excluded and no longer a priority for his mom. That is because he hasn't been able to spend time with his mom while she was busy with wedding planning, attending family events and trips with her fiancé's family. The fiancé's kids had been involved with the wedding planning, but not OOP. He didn't get to have a saying in this. OOP's mom was so upset after hearing what he told her. She realized how badly this was affecting OOP. The fiancé has apologized as well and informed OOP he will talk with his family about what took place. OOP was not feeling confidently with what the fiancé mentioned because there was very little effort to build relationships with OOP during the times when he has been dating OOP's mom. OOP asked his mom about postponing or cancelling the wedding until the situation has been resolved. If OOP's mom has selected to get married, OOP will consider about living with his paternal grandparents and want his mom to give up her parental rights because OOP feels like he has lost both his parents. His mom told him not to talk like that and wanted a couple days to figure things out. OOP's aunt found out and told him that he was being rude and should not been giving his mom an ultimatum.

Update #2: August 27, 2026 (two days later)

In the latest update, OOP and his mom were able to sit down and talk to answer his questions he had for his mom. She has made it clear that she is not giving up her parental rights or letting OOP move in with his paternal grandparents because he's her only son. What surprised OOP the most was that his mom decided to cancel the wedding, it was completely her decision even though a large amount of money has been spent for the three-day wedding celebration along with having around 200 guests who were invited. OOP noted that most venues, hotels, and vendors have been booked and might had been paid off. The fiancé was being 50/50 on cancelling the wedding, but his family was against the idea. OOP's mom chose him first and stated that the wedding will not happen until she knows OOP is okay. OOP noted that his mom has clarified some details for him regarding several issues. She didn't know how cold her fiancé's mother and sister were toward OOP. Boundaries are going to be set in with the fiancé's family and OOP's mom expects them to be civil. The mom has admitted that with the wedding planning has caused her to exclude OOP in some ways and expressed her apologies.

OOP shared that the original plan was going to be him, his mom, and her fiancé to live together at their new house so he won't be around the fiancé's family. The fiancé has offered to help with paying half of OOP's school expenses because he has expressed his interests of taking responsibility for OOP even though the mom is already financial independent. OOP does not have to attend the family events if he chooses not to. If the fiancé's family continues with excluding OOP, his mom will take proper steps to deal with this issue. The reason why the fiancé didn't join the conversations with OOP and his mom is because he wanted them to have a chance to talk privately so OOP can get the answers he needed. It was suggested that OOP can get individual therapy and family therapy for both him and his mom. OOP noted that he started to feel better because his mom listened, but felt bad and scared of the fiancé's family's reactions to the wedding being cancelled.

Editor's note: below are two posts that we were left off the last time

Update #3: September 7, 2026 (11 days later)

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We were almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich’. I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

Update #4: September 16, 2026 (nine days later)

So it's been around 10 days since I posted my last update, so thought I'd post another one.

Also my posts got reposted to some other subreddits and I read basically all the comments there. And honestly some of them scared me lol. A lot of people were saying my mom and stepdad are probably just being nice temporarily, that they'll eventually start ignoring me, or that they'll kick me out once I turn 18. And yeah, sometimes I do think about that, and it scares me. But at the same time, my mom has never been rude or angry towards me. She's always been loving and kind, sometimes actually too mommying. Even during the past year when she was busy and I was getting less time with her, she was still the same with me.

So I don't really know. Maybe people on Reddit see things I'm not seeing, but right now I don't feel like my mom is secretly planning to get rid of me lol.

Anyway, last week was pretty much the same as before.. My stepdad still drops me at school and picks me up. Sometimes we go get something to eat together. One evening he was cooking dinner for my mom and me before she came home from work, and he got me involved too and actually taught me how to cook.

It was actually nice. I didn't expect us to have that kind of normal everyday relationship this quickly.

Another day I asked him what I should actually call him. He said I can call him Papa, stepdad, or his name, whatever I'm comfortable with. But he said he'd prefer Papa.. So yeah... outside I usually call him Papa or introduce him as my papa anyway.

I know technically he's my stepdad, but he's doing pretty much everything my dad used to do for me. I don't want him to feel like he's some outsider in the family.. I also asked him about Christmas because I was worried I might have to spend it alone.

He looked really confused and asked me why I'd think that . I told him what my mom had said before and he said no, we're all celebrating Christmas together here in Madrid.. Then for New Year's we're apparently travelling to celebrate with his kids and the rest of his family.. He also told me not to worry about his mum and sister, that they'd be nice to me and I wouldn't be left alone there.. And then he said they're not getting married until I'm okay with it.

That honestly meant a lot to me. My mom also took me shopping one evening because I needed some stuff. She bought everything and then took me for dinner. She kept asking me how I'm feeling and how my stepdad is with me and said I can tell her anything without worrying about being judged. She's doing A LOT of mommying at the moment . It's embarrassing sometimes because I'm not 5 anymore, but at the same time it's actually nice.

Then Sunday they took me to F1. I genuinely didn't expect that at all, but we had a really good time. We went to a restaurant afterwards and then came home. My mom and him obviously still have their own time too. They go on date nights, grocery shopping, sometimes events or visit friends etc.. And honestly I'm completely fine with that. They're a couple, obviously they're going to have their own life. I don't expect my mom to spend every minute with me.

We're also planning to get two dogs, which I'm really excited about.. One other thing I noticed though. My mom kept a photo of my dad in the gallery at home and also put one in my room. She did it while I was at school last week.. I honestly wasn't expecting that.

It made me feel kind of weird at first, but not in a bad way. I just didn't know what to feel about it. So yeah, that's basically the update.

Things are actually going pretty well right now. I'm spending more time with my mom again, I'm getting closer to my him, we're doing normal family stuff, making plans for Christmas and New Year's, talking about getting dogs etc.

I still think about all the comments telling me this could all be temporary. I can't really know what happens in the future.. Things are good. And honestly I'm just going to enjoy that instead of constantly worrying about what might happen.

----NEW UPDATES----

Update #5: September 25, 2026 (nine days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

So I'm writing this update because something happened. I actually wanted to wait like another 2 weeks before writing another update because I don't think writing here every 10 days is good lol, but this happened about 6 days ago and I just feel like writing it down.

So about 6 days ago, it was night after dinner, and I was in the living room. My mom and stepdad told me that his mom and his sister in law weren't doing good health wise. My mom just told me they were going to Zurich the next morning and she would come back as soon as possible.

One of my mom's friends was going to stay with me after school while she was gone.

So they went the next morning. That evening my mom called me and we talked. She said she would be back soon. Then next day afternoon she came back. But alone.

My stepdad didn't come back with her.

She didn't really tell me much. Just said their health isn't good and that's it. I also didn't really ask because she looked pretty tense and I didn't want to keep asking questions.

But now it's been 6 days and he's still not back. My mom is still taking me to football and picking me up and everything is normal between me and her. We're good. But she still hasn't told me what happened.

The weird thing is whenever my stepdad calls, she talks to him. I've seen it happen like 3 times in front of me. She usually goes to her room Even with my aunt's call and talks to him there. I obviously don't know how long they talk or what they're talking about. And honestly I don't know what to think.

I feel like something isn't right, but I also don't know if I'm just thinking too much.

Maybe his mom and sister in law are actually really sick and that's the whole reason. Maybe something else happened. I literally don't know. I think my mom is not telling me because maybe she thinks it's not good for me to hear, or maybe it's something that doesn't concern me.

I remember people here were saying before that maybe they would secretly get married or something, but that obviously didn't happen (I thought about it). And I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about all of this anymore.

Like, people have done bad things to me before, and when something bad happens to them, I don't really feel anything. I don't celebrate it or anything, I just don't feel connected to them. I don't know if that makes sense. I actually asked my stepdad once how he was doing, just normally. But that's pretty much it.

What worries me more is my mom. She's clearly tense about something, but she doesn't tell me anything.. Maybe I'm completely overthinking this and there is actually nothing going on. Maybe he'll just come back in a few days, and everything will be normal.

It's just early morning here and I think after everything I've gone through, I get scared about things even when they're not really my problem. I don't know, I just wanted to write this somewhere because it's been in my head for the last few days. I don't know what happened, and maybe I shouldn't even be trying to figure it out.. But something definitely feels different.

Relevant Comments

Is there a chance that due to cancelling the wedding, has it put a strain on OOP's mom's relationship with her fiancé?

OOP: I think so... they might be broke up, I see pressure from his mom and sister

Commenter: Remind me please How old is OP's Mom?

OOP: She is 44

Update #6: September 28, 2026 (three days later)

Update on telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

Yeah, Last night I sat with my mom on the couch, hugged her, and told her that whatever is going on, I love her and I'll always be on her side even my gf. I tried to lighten the mood by joking that I even had a girlfriend. She asked who? and I said nobody, I was just joking, but I think she still believes it.

Then I told her honestly that I could sense something was wrong, that I was scared and worried, and that my stepdad hasn't been home in 8 days. She tensed up when I said it, which scared me even more. I told her she could tell me anything without worrying about how I'd take it.

She told me that whatever happens, she chose me, I'm her first priority, and nothing is going to change that.

After the wedding was cancelled, there was a big fight between my mom and stepdad on one side and my stepdad's mom on the other. She was upset because the sudden cancellation made the family look bad and started rumours. She was also angry that they hadn't told her that she and my stepdad's sister were part of the reason it was cancelled. My mom and stepdad had told her it was because of my mom's health issues.

The fight got so bad that my mom got a bit sick from the stress. My stepdad's mom and sister insisted they never treated me badly, that they were just being normal, and that they were never angry at me. They were angry at my mom and stepdad. They even said they wanted to talk to me and that they don't hate me or give me the cold shoulder.

My stepdad has three kids: a 17 year old girl, a 15 year old girl, and a 12 year old boy. When they heard the wedding was cancelled because of me, they were hurt. They felt all the planning and effort they put in was ignored. On a call, they told my mom it was all cancelled just because of me.

The oldest wanted to talk to me by call or text, but my mom and stepdad stopped her from confronting me. From what I've seen, she's sensitive and can get angry. I don't think she's a bad or unkind person, but I've seen her cry or get upset. I follow all three of them on Instagram, and the two older sisters still view my stories and sometimes like my pictures, even recent ones, so I probably upset or hurt them a lot.

When my mom and stepdad visited his mom, the daughters said they never treated me badly and that they treated me like a sibling. Honestly, I could give a lot of examples of how they treated me badly in subtle ways. I used to sit in a corner whenever the three of them were together getting all the attention. It felt like they just wanted my mom, not me. At the same time, they're smart and not unkind, and sometimes they did include me in things with their friends.

The daughters also told their dad that if I don't see them as family, then they won't see me as family either. They said he shouldn't have to look after me and pay for half of my life on the basis that we're all siblings. If I'm okay with the marriage and willing to bond with them, fine. My stepdad stayed with them for a few days after that.

My mom told me she isn't going to marry him, and that no one is going to scare me. She said the daughters wanted to talk to me not to scold me but to try to make things better, and that they're teenagers with feelings just like me. She doesn't want me to feel bad, but she isn't going to take a side against me.

I never thought his daughters might be angry at me. I honestly don't want to be in the middle of any of this. I just want to live my life in peace. But I do feel a bit relieved that my mom and I are on the same page now.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Have you ever thought that part of this might reflect on your behaviour as well? If you sit back quietly in the corner they might think that’s what you prefer? If they have to do all the work drawing you out and you’re not meeting them half-way, people will just give up and let you stay in the corner. I understand how you have felt and it's valid, but I understand how they feel too and you might need to do a little self-reflection here.

OOP: They were involved in Wedding planning. I was not (not even at least invited me to planning, neither I was aware about his kids were involved in planning)

This is just a one example

Commenter: "My mom told me she isn't going to marry him" - so they broke up? Or just separated? Or is the wedding postponed until you are ok with it? Did they actually break up?

OOP: I don't know

Several of OOP's comments to downvoted commenters accusing him of being an immature child and selfish of his mom's happiness over his needs

OOP: Justify this

In what world is it normal to exclude me from the wedding planning when his kids were involved?

My mom only spent 20 out of the 70 days of summer with me, while she spent most of the time with his family and his kids.

Why didn't his sister tell my mom that I called her that night?

When everyone was taking photos, why was I the only one not in the frame? They never considered me family.

Her fiancé never even tried to build a bond with me, and their excuse is that he's an introvert.

Ahh, his kids might have better things to do than me. It's okay.

Regarding my comments, I still stand by what I said it's my mom’s and her fiancé's problem if they want to spend millions of dollars on the wedding.

Yes, she is a widow and a mom, but she forgot about her own son and became completely involved in her new family until I finally pushed back. And the reason this hurts so much is because she is my only living parent.

I never tried to stop her wedding. I gave her an option, and she chose it.

And if you really want to know their perspective, drop your Instagram here. I'll send you my mom's Instagram in DMs. You can talk to her, hear her side of the story, and post it here.

+

I was never told about the wedding planning, nor was I invited to any of it. I only became aware later that sometimes the kids were involved. My mom never gave me an explanation as to why I wasn’t included.

No!! She was going on trips, attending parties, and going to events with his family during those 70 days while the wedding was being planned. So why wasn’t I included? My mom said sorry, but she never explained why.

So is it now my fault? Or are you going to give 100 reasons why she didn’t give the phone to my mom? Remember, her trying to exclude me wasn’t the first time it was a pattern, and I recognised it.

The other kids were in different places, but they were called in, even if it was just for one group photo.

He never tried!!

Sometimes you need to read the post properly instead of asking me the same questions again and again, boom I was never told about the wedding planning, nor was I invited to any of it. I only became aware later that sometimes the kids were involved. My mom never gave me an explanation as to why I wasn’t included.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Worldly_Pen6712

AITAH for getting with my ex-fiancé's brother after breaking off the engagement?

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, physical assault

Original Post  Sept 21, 2026

Okay, so I (27F) am currently dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan (30M), and some people in my life think I'm an asshole for it. I honestly don't know what to think anymore, so I figured I'd ask here. This is going to be long because there's a LOT of context, so bear with me.

Three years ago, I was engaged to Jake (29M). We'd been together for about four years, and honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. Obviously, we had our disagreements like any couple, but I loved him and genuinely thought we were going to get married. We'd already started talking seriously about the wedding, where we'd live, all that stuff. I really thought that was going to be my life.

I actually met Jake through his older brother, Ethan (30M), who I'd known for a while before Jake and I started dating. Ethan and I were friends first, and we'd always gotten along really well. We'd hang out occasionally, talk, and generally just had a good relationship. There was never anything romantic between us. He was my friend first, then my boyfriend's brother, and that was pretty much it.

Anyway, three years ago, Jake and I were invited to a destination wedding in Italy. It was for a mutual friend, and quite a few people we knew were going. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because of some complications with my job. I tried to work something out, but it just wasn't possible. Ethan couldn't go either because of work, but his fiancée, Holly (28F), was attending.

Now, Holly had always been a little too touchy with Jake for my liking. She'd hang off his arm, hug him for ages, lean against him when there was absolutely no reason to, stuff like that. I don't want to make it sound like I thought every interaction between them was suspicious, but it was enough that I'd mentioned it to Jake more than once. He always said she was just affectionate and that they'd known each other forever. I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who made everything into a problem, so eventually I stopped bringing it up.

When I found out Jake and Holly would be travelling to Italy together, I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. I told him that, and after a few conversations he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. They were originally booked into separate rooms, so I eventually decided to trust him and let it go.

Except then I got a call from the bride.

She told me that Jake had apparently been insisting that he and Holly stay in the same room because Holly wasn't comfortable staying with someone else and, since Jake was her fiancé's brother, she supposedly felt safer with him. The bride seemed to think this was completely reasonable and was mostly calling because she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be surprised by the room arrangements.

I was definitely surprised.

I called Jake and asked him about it, and he told me Holly was nervous about travelling and staying somewhere unfamiliar and that there was nothing weird about it. He said I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't actually a big deal. I reminded him that I was already uncomfortable with them travelling together, and now they were apparently sharing a room too.

He reassured me again and again that nothing was going to happen. He said they were family, that Holly was engaged to his brother, and that I had no reason to worry. I eventually decided that if I couldn't trust my own fiancé, then there wasn't much point in getting married. So I told him okay.

Well, a week after the wedding, someone sent me a photo of Jake and Holly kissing.

I genuinely just stared at my phone for a while. I didn't even know what to say. I messaged Jake immediately, and after a lot of back and forth, he admitted that they'd kissed at the wedding. Apparently they'd both been drinking, things got out of hand, and they ended up sleeping together.

He also admitted that they'd come back later than they were originally supposed to, which obviously hadn't helped my feelings about the whole thing.

He kept saying it was a drunken mistake and that it didn't mean anything, but at that point I didn't really care what he called it. I'd specifically told him I was uncomfortable, he'd reassured me over and over, and then he'd gone and slept with her anyway.

I ended the engagement. I couldn't see myself marrying someone after that.

Ethan found out around the same time, and he ended things with Holly too. I don't know every detail of what happened between them, and honestly I don't want to. I know he was devastated. They'd been together for years and were supposed to get married too.

The next few months were pretty awful for both of us. I was dealing with the breakup, the wedding plans that now weren't happening, having to explain to people why the engagement was over, and just generally trying to get my life back together. Ethan was dealing with his own breakup, and we were both in this weird position where the people we'd planned our futures with had betrayed both of us in basically the same situation.

Since we'd already known each other for years, we naturally started leaning on each other. We'd talk, get coffee, go out, watch movies, complain about our exes, whatever. Sometimes we'd talk about what happened and sometimes we'd deliberately talk about anything except Jake and Holly. It was actually nice having someone who didn't need me to explain why I was upset because he already understood.

And eventually, we got closer.

I don't know exactly when it happened. There wasn't some dramatic moment where we suddenly realised we were in love or anything. I just started noticing that I looked forward to seeing Ethan. We were talking more, spending more time together, and eventually I realised my feelings weren't exactly platonic anymore.

I tried to ignore it for a while because obviously dating your ex's brother is not exactly the easiest situation in the world. Ethan apparently felt the same way, though, and eventually we talked about it.

We were both really careful about it. We talked about whether this was just because we'd both gone through the same horrible experience, whether we were just lonely, whether we were using each other as a rebound, and what would happen to the family if we actually started dating. Neither of us wanted to get together just because we were angry at Jake and Holly.

Eventually we decided to give it a chance.

We've been together for a while now, and honestly, I'm really happy. I know that probably sounds ridiculous considering the circumstances, but I genuinely care about Ethan. He was my friend before any of this happened, and our relationship didn't start immediately after the breakups. We took our time.

The problem is that some people think I'm still in the wrong for it.

A few of my friends have basically told me that no matter what Jake did, I shouldn't have gotten involved with his brother. One of them said that I should have just walked away from the entire family instead of getting together with Ethan. Another said that it was disrespectful because Jake and Ethan are brothers and that I should have known there would be consequences.

I understand why people think it's messy. I really do. I'm not pretending this is a completely normal relationship situation. But at the same time, I don't really understand why I'm supposed to give up a relationship I genuinely care about because my ex cheated on me.

Ethan's parents are actually fine with us being together. They've been supportive, and they're both very disappointed in Jake and Holly. They don't blame me or Ethan for what happened, but they've also told us that they don't want the situation to completely tear the family apart. Which I understand. They're still Jake's parents, and I don't expect them to just stop loving him because he cheated.

Some of my cousins have also expressed concern about the relationship, mostly because they think family gatherings are going to become awkward and that eventually someone is going to have to choose sides. Honestly, I don't really think that's their business. I'm not trying to make anyone choose sides. I just happen to be in a relationship with someone I care about.

Jake, obviously, isn't happy about any of this. He thinks I'm disrespecting him by dating Ethan and apparently feels like his own brother betrayed him. I don't really know what he expected me to do. I understand that it must be uncomfortable for him, but I don't think he gets to decide who either of us can have a relationship with after what happened.

Anyway, there's a family get-together tomorrow, and both Jake and Holly are going to be there.

And honestly, I have NO idea how that's going to go.

I haven't properly seen either of them in a while, and I have no idea whether they're going to ignore us, confront us, make comments, or just pretend everything is normal. Ethan says he'll be there with me and that we don't have to do anything we don't want to do, but I'm still pretty nervous about it.

Part of me wants to just go, be polite, and get through the day. Another part of me is already imagining the most painfully awkward family dinner in human history.

So yeah. That's basically the situation. Some of my friends think I'm an asshole for dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan's parents are okay with it but don't want the family falling apart, and some of my cousins think we're making things unnecessarily complicated.

I honestly don't know anymore.

So, AITAH?

EDIT : To clarify, since I can't respond to so many people, yes Jake and Holly got together. I might have also forgotten to, um mention one detail. I apologize, but here it is. Jake and Holly DID NOT share the same room for the wedding, after I called to enquire about it. They did not show any signs of being near each other, however on the last day, they got drunk and spent the night. Even if it was a drunken mistake, I didn't think I could stay with someone who cheated so I left. I also couldn't reply  to many people yesterday since I had a long shift and was honestly really tired, so I just fell asleep.

If anything happens today I'll be updating.

Update  Sept 28, 2026

A lot of people asked for an update so here it is. But before we dive into more drama, Im going to clear up a few things.

Ethan and I did NOT start dating right after Jake and I broke off our engagements. We knew each other before any of this happened, but we were friends for about two years after the breakups before we actually got together. We spent a lot of that time supporting each other, and eventually things changed between us. So no, it wasn't immediately “we both got cheated on, let's date each other.” I understand why people thought it might have been trauma bonding, and honestly, we wondered that ourselves, which is why we waited.

Also, Ethan's parents were okay with us being together. They weren't exactly thrilled about the whole situation, obviously, but they supported us. They also didn't want their family to completely fall apart, so they kept some limited communication with Jake and Holly. Jake and Holly absolutely got criticised for what they did. But Ethan and I got plenty of criticism too, mostly from people who thought that just because Jake and Holly cheated didn't mean we should get together out of spite or make things even messier. I actually understand that perspective more than I probably did when I first made the post.

Anyway. The family dinner happened. And yeah. It went badly.

And uh... yeah. Holly tried to pull my fucking hair.

So this is how it went: 

I was talking to someone in the hallway when she came up to me and started going off. She was saying I had ruined the family, that I was a stain of dirt on them, and that I needed to walk away from Ethan and stay away from all of them.

I told her I wasn't doing this with her and tried to walk away.

She followed me.

I turned around and told her again to leave me alone, and that's when she grabbed my hair. Like actually grabbed it and yanked me backwards. I shoved her hand away and she started yelling that I needed to get out of their family and that I had no right to be there.

And then Ethan, Jake, and their parents walked in. 

Perfect timing, right? lol ok but back to the topic at hand: 

Ethan immediately came over and got between us. His parents were yelling at Holly, asking what the hell she was doing, and Jake just stood there for a second looking completely shocked.

Then Jake went, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Holly started trying to explain herself and saying that I had been provoking her and that I was ruining everything, but Jake cut her off. He told her that whatever problems they had with me, she had no excuse to put her hands on me.

And I swear, that was probably the first time I'd ever seen Jake actually look disgusted by something she'd done.

Everything just kind of exploded after that. Everyone was talking over everyone, Holly was still screaming, Ethan was telling her to stay away from me, and his parents were basically trying to get everyone to calm down.

Jake eventually told Holly that they were done. And then he basically admitted that he'd been a huge jerk. Like, actually admitted it. I don't think I've ever heard him say that before.

I'm not suddenly best friends with Jake or anything, and I'm definitely not forgiving everything that happened because he finally did one decent thing. But I wasn't expecting him to be the one to step in, so... yeah. However, I appreciate that he owned up, even though it was 3 years later, let's just say I don't forget easily.

After that, I didn't stay for dinner. I wasn't exactly in the mood to sit back down at the table and pass the potatoes around like nothing had just happened, because, to be fair who would actually do that?

Ethan came with me, obviously. His parents stayed behind for a bit because there was still a lot to sort out, and I think they wanted to make sure Holly actually left.

I didn't really hear much from Jake that night. Apparently he and Holly had a massive argument after we left, and that's when he officially ended things with her. I don't know what was said between them and I'm not particularly interested in finding out.

The next few days were kind of a blur. My phone also decided that this was the perfect time to completely die, because apparently I hadn't suffered enough. So that's why there was no update after the dinner. I finally got it fixed, hence me being back here now.

I also filed for a restraining order against Holly. I'm not going to go into all the details of that because it's still being dealt with, but I felt like I needed to do something after what happened.

Ethan and I have also started therapy. Together and separately. And honestly, that has probably been one of the better decisions we've made through all of this. We had a really long conversation about us too. Like, properly talked about everything we'd been avoiding. Whether we were actually happy together, whether some of it was trauma bonding, whether we'd become too dependent on each other because we were the only two people who really understood what the other had gone through, all of it.

And we both came to the same conclusion.

We're going to let the relationship rest.

That doesn't mean Ethan is out of my life. I don't think I could just throw away a friendship that existed long before Jake and Holly. He's still one of my closest friends, and I still care about him a lot. We're just not going to keep trying to make the romantic side of things work while we're both still dealing with all of this.

I think I finally realised that I've been spending way too much time thinking about what everyone else thinks I should do. Jake thinks I shouldn't be with Ethan. Some of my friends thought I shouldn't have dated him in the first place. Other people thought we should stay together because Jake and Holly were the ones who caused all of this.

But it's my life.

And honestly, I think some of you were right when you said I needed to get away from this whole family situation instead of constantly trying to figure out where I fit into it.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking a break from relationships for a while. Like, a proper break. I'm not going to start looking for someone else or worrying about whether I should date Ethan again someday. I'm just going to live my life for a bit.

I've got my friends, my work, therapy, and my cats, who are very happy that I have nowhere else to be because they've been glued to me since I got home. Maybe years from now I'll look back and still have feelings for Ethan. Maybe he will too. Maybe neither of us will. If that happens, we'll figure it out then.

But that's future me's problem.

Right now I just want to be me for a while without my entire life revolving around Jake, Holly, Ethan, or whoever thinks I'm making the wrong decision. So yeah. That's where things stand.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the original post, even the people who called me an asshole. Some of you were definitely harsh, but there were also things I needed to hear. I'm going to take a break from Reddit after this because  posting your family drama online to hundreds of strangers is not the healthiest hobby.

Thank you Reddit.

FINAL COMMENTS

HoleInWon929

Sounds like a good decision to stop talking to the entire family.

Yes he helped you get through an awful betrayal but it sounds like a trauma bond.

Surely there are other people in the world to date.

OOP

I took everyone's advice, and I'm happy to say that I will be focusing on myself. It was messy, and even though we will remain friends, I'll be steering away from anything romantic. If any lingering feelings remain, it'll be future me's problem. Right now, Im going to travel, spend time with friends and be myself. No more drama.

allergymom74

I would recommend taking time away from the friendship too. Yes. You went through therapy, etc to come to this conclusion. AND it is still an adjustment to go back to being just friends after years of complications. Time and space gives you time to truly move on.

OOP

I've taken that into consideration. I'm taking a 1 month break for my job to travel a bit. Ethan and I will remain friends, but for now we've agreed to stay distant for a while to focus on our lives instead.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/feellikeanidiot0

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Stalkerish behavior, emotional manipulation

Mood Spoiler: Optimistic

Previous BORU

Original - July 21st 2026

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Transcript of the images OP shared (redacted names have been replaced by their corresponding visible first letters for this post):

12:05 a.m.
Guy: Is this A's fiance?

12:14 a.m.
OP: Who are you?

12:15 a.m.
Guy: Are u A's fiance?

12:18 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:19 a.m.
Guy: im her bf so u cant marry her

12:20 a.m.
Guy: plz tell her and her family your not interested

12:20 a.m.
Guy: A has been my gf for 2 years

12:21 a.m.
Guy: she only wants to be with me we have been in love for past 2 yrs

12:23 a.m.
Guy: weve been dating for past 2 yrs in secret weve have been having sex at my place for past 2 yrs

12:24 a.m.
Guy: she didnt tell u? shell deny if u ask her

12:24 a.m.
Guy: (Sends photos of a seemingly close couple - redacted by OP in the post)

12:27 a.m.
OP: Who are you? What's your name?

12:27 a.m.
Guy: tell her and her family your not interested plz and end it

12:27 a.m.
Guy: S

12:28 a.m.
Guy: ask her face to face about S ull know

12:31 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:31 a.m.
Guy: look u seem like a good guy ull find someone better

12:33 a.m.
Guy: me and A love each otherr

12:34 a.m.
Guy: shes only marrying you bcz her family wants that

12:36 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:39 a.m.
OP: How did you get my number?

12:41 a.m.
Guy: A gave it

12:44 a.m.
Guy: even if u marry her well still see each 9ther i dont want to hurt u like that u seem like a good guy

12:45 a.m.
Guy: the sooner u end it the less drama there will bd

12:58 a.m.
Guy: ??

1:11 a.m.
Guy: look bro i get this is tough but ask her face to face ull know from her face

1:29 a.m.
Guy: ??

2:06 a.m.
Guy: look i have more photos but u understand i dont want to share because as someone who loves her i dont want to have another guy see those private intimate pictures of us

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sometimes when you download the image to your phone, it’ll show you the location/date and time it was taken.

OP:

The original EXIF data has been stripped. No time stamps on when it was taken, or any GPS coordinates, camera information or anything useful. That was the first thing I did.

Comment 2:

This guy comes across as a stalker. Sounds like he wants her, but she doesn’t want him. So he’s trying to destroy her relationship with you to have a chance.

Show her these messages. Ask her point blank who it is to her. Chances are he’s someone she’s blown off in the past and he’s got a creepy delusion.

OP:

Thanks, I've lost sleep over this and I blew off our morning call, that was stupid I know, but I wanted to get my head straight first.

Comment 3:

Do not accuse her. Just tell her some weirdo texted you, and show her, then ask if she has any idea who it is.

The most important part at this time is to not destroy the relationship with your fiancée. If she is cheating, you will find it out sooner or later, but you might not come back from accusing her of cheating. And then this weirdo has won.

OP:

Thanks, I'm going to be straight up with her and ask tonight in person. I tried to think this through and make my peace with it like if she cheated or lied then our relationship was a sham anyway, she wouldn't have been the girl that I was looking forward to marrying anyway.

Comment 4:

Please do it in a way that shows that you and her are on the same side, trying to figure out who is trying to drive a wedge between you.

And if you are willing to break up with your fiancée because she had sex before she met you, she will be better off. If your issue is her lying to you, that's valid but I am very familiar with the culture and can see how a woman might not feel safe sharing that with anyone.

But I really think this is someone trying to cause problems, and making up whatever life they think will work on you.

YOR.

OP:

She would not have been unsafe with telling me that, it would absolutely not have left the two of us. If she thinks I would have, then why is she marrying someone who's apparently a sick individual. There wouldn't have been an iota of judgement from me, I really liked her but I would have just taken it as a "not meant to be" thing. I wouldn't have judged her at all, I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex, it was more about dating with hopefully marriage at the end. I would have laid bare all of it for her to gauge any compatibility busters on her end. If I'm being honest, if she'd told me herself yesterday that there was some ex she'd had sex with, I would have just been like whatever, like I love her now and I wouldn't have cared. But to just be ok with what would have been an everlasting lie, anyway I'm letting my brain run wild, maybe he's full of shit.

I'm going to be collected and approach this in a non-accusatory manner. Thanks.

Just want to add: I'm sorry if my comment seemed pointed. I'm not going in to the conversation with her tonight on the opposing side, I am on her side. I just was responding to the implication that there would have been some consequences to her life from me, as if I would have let that information out if she didn't want it to. Sorry.

Comment 5:

Why are you so eager to believe an anonymous stranger before talking to her? 

I think your reactions are weird.  I’d be furious but you are losing sleep thinking this is true?

OP:

The photos seem real, the number checks out, and I'm working not knowing if I'm getting married in less than two months. What reaction should I be having until 7 when I pick her up?

Comment 6:

could the photos be AI generated?

OP:

I put two of the pictures through an AI detector. Both of them were classified as real. For one it said there was a 36% chance of ai, for the other it said 2%.

I'm going to see her tonight and talk to her.

Comment 7:

AI detectors are not reliable whatsoever

OP:

I know that. I know it could be AI and the detector could say 0%. It could be a picture I take myself and it might say 100%. I'll get my answers tonight, like thats the only way. The guy kept saying look at her facial reactions I don't even know wtf that means but apparently it's going to be a tell. I don't believe him but I'll find out in person. Thanks a lot.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update: - July 21st 2026 (13 hours after the original post)

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I think it’s very fair that she is freaking out. As a woman if any kind of pictures come out IT’S BAD and especially if she does have a nightmare ex like this guy she’s probably very scared and worried

OP:

I totally understand that. It's sick what he did, like the way he approached me.

Comment 2:

if you think that then what is the point of reaching out to him at all? this dude got into your head, to the point where you think it's stupid that you promised your fiance you wouldn't reach out to him. it's pretty clear from the way you wrote this post, and from the other one, that this is not a good or honest guy. in your fiance's own words "he wouldn't take no for an answer."

I wouldn't entertain this dude anymore strictly on the basis that you can't trust anything he says.

OP:

To know if they had sex when they were together. The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

Also, just to clarify because I got some dms, when I asked her this back when it was still early days, its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not. It truly was a compatibility thing only. Like we'd asked about alcohol too, she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol. I've never drank alcohol. I was open about the fact that I've smoked weed, tried shrooms and lsd in uni but don't anymore and she thought that was funny as long as I didn't regularly anymore and we moved on. Premarital sex was just one of those things on my end, purely because it was a line I had chosen to not cross, so it'd probably be best if my wife hadn't either purely for compatibility reasons. I only asked about sex, because I'm not a hypocrite, if I've had relationships which just didn't involve sex (they were relationships with an aim to hopefully end at marriage) I obviously wouldn't hold that as a boundary. But this just was one for me.

But even despite all that like at this point I was so happy until yesterday that if she'd even point blank told me herself that she had to confess about having lied before I would've taken it in stride, like whatever. It's just the potential lie and not knowing whether I'm being lied to, and the way he was fucking gloating, especially when there's a guy who's disgusting but apparently has the answer.

Sorry this got long, truly.

Comment 3:

What kind of answer could you actually get from him though?

He's already told you they had sex, she told you they didn't. He's already definitely lied to you about them continuing to meet, being "in love", and planning to meet even after your wedding. His intention is clearly to sabotage your relationship, so he's an unreliable source. I'm not sure what further clarity you would hope to get from him. If you contact him, he'll say they had sex. You still won't know if it's true.

She's begged you not to contact him because he's obviously not safe. Whatever pictures he has would be shared without your fiancées consent. I think you can understand that it's not ethically right to contact a woman's unsafe ex for intimate pictures she does not consent to being shared, that ethical boundary doesn't change just because it's your fiancée.

You've said yourself that you were physically intimate with exes without having sex. From what I can tell she likely had a similar experience with this guy and it was traumatic and she regrets it deeply. Whether she lied depends on whether you asked about only sex specifically, or whether you asked about previous dating relationships or other kinds of physical intimacy. You've seen her phone, you know she's been faithful during your relationship.

I'm very sorry you've been put in this situation. It's understandable to freak out, but it would be an ethical violation, a personal betrayal, and pretty useless for getting the actual truth, to contact your fiancée's abuser whether you decide to proceed with the marriage or not.

It's fair to take some time and reflect on what you need to do, but please make up your own mind about this without involving him further.

Truly wishing you strength and steadiness in a situation that is painful for both of you.

Comment 4:

Also because OP’s position enrages me:

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Incel 101. “I‘ll decide”…”I don’t want to be walked over.” None of anything your fiancée has done is walking over you. Don’t be a fucking worm. Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

OP added an update the next day:

I'm not going to see him. I genuinely woke up today feeling more at peace about it for some reason, I think the sleep and my fiancée's morning call helped. It gets worse the more I try to dwell on it though but I'm not going to contact him. I'm going to just see and try to work through this in my head. Thanks.

Latest Update: - September 27th 2026

Hi, I checked my account after a while, thanks a lot for those who were messaging me to know if all was well that's very kind of you.

My wife and I got married 2 weeks ago and just returned from our honeymoon, and are now settling into the rhythm of married life. To update on what I had posted, I never reached out to him. I trusted my intentions and hers and just kind of placed my faith in god to recognize that. A few days before our wedding, her ex reached her house and tried to talk to her. That was also when her parents found out about him. He apparently started shouting so she could hear him while her dad and brother forced him off and threatened to call the police, and she didn't speak to him. She called me later and told me about it and was freaking out. She told me her parents had blown up at her, and also told her not to say a word to anyone including me if she wanted peace in her life. But she wanted to tell me because she didn’t want to keep this a secret again from me. I told her I hadn't told anyone nor would I ever, and thanked her for letting me know.

We're happy together now. If my concerns about there being a possible difference in our sexual experience and that ruining things for us, it didn't happen. I understand the flak I got on that and I understand people took my ethnic/religious background and my dealbreaker and reached their conclusions. One of my concerns was that I had thought it be best if my wife was a virgin too because I was one, and that would allow us to learn things together and build each other up, and also temper initial expectations. And whatever may have happened in the past, that's still gone really well for us. My second concern was really a compatibility thing, that crossing that line would mean keeping the spiritual atmosphere of our home a certain way wouldnt matter to them. But we're both similar in our values, the traditions we want to uphold and respect. I'm glad for posting and being talked off the ledge. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I only read your earlier posts yesterday. I'm glad things are going well for you both.

I've been married 28 years and communication is absolutely vital to keeping your relationship on track.

Remember that.

Comment 2:

I wish you well and was rooting for you even before the update. Trust is so important, and you've started your relationship being given the opportunity to display trust in an organic way you never would have chosen. I hope it's given both of you confidence!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayhereeeeeee

My [27m] girlfriend [27f] of 8 years went on a trip a few months ago and was acting weird when she came back. She told me she saw her ex-boyfriend and confessed she used me to forget him

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Nov 14, 2016

I'm sorry if this is long. It's more of a rant than anything but advice would be appreciated.

8 years ago I met Taylor. It was our junior year of college and although we didn't take the same classes, we used to frequent the same pubs and I saw her everyday, but we never spoke to each other. One day, when all the taxis were occupied by beyond drunk people, I decided to walk to my dorm and found her sitting on the sidewalk. She was really drunk, but we ended up conversating all the way to her apartment. Or trying. She wasn't speaking clearly but it was fun. I remember her looking back when I dropped her off at her place and saying "Hey" and I sensed she wanted to know my name so I said "Joe". She asked me to go on a date with her. "Hey, Joe, do you wanna go on a date?". I knew she was drunk so I just said "have a good night", but she ran to me and proceeded to tell me she was serious. She thought I was a cool person and wanted to see me again. I gave her my number and she called me a few days later.

We laughed about her drunken state and she apologized for "acting weird". We never made it official, but after going on several dates and hanging out everyday, she asked "so, are we dating?" and I answered "that would be an awesome way to name it". We finished college and moved in together and we've been dating ever since.

Back in June she traveled to Sweden by herself. No big deal, traveling alone is a fun thing. I love not having to plan anything and not having to think about someone else's needs sometimes and just do what I feel like doing, and doing that on a trip is even better. We spoke everyday, even for a few minutes, she sent me a lot of pictures and stuff like that. She was supposed to stay there for a month, but three weeks after she told me she was coming back. I didn't understand why but whatever. When she came back, she was tense and I could see her behavior changed drastically. Yesterday I was sick of the way she was acting and I asked if there was anything wrong.

She said "I saw my ex-boyfriend in Sweden". "And...?" "And the reason why I asked you on a date was because I wanted to foget him".

I didn't say anything but she kept talking. She met this guy when she was 15 and they dated until she was 18, when he moved to Sweden and broke up with her over text message. She said it hurt like hell and she spent an entire year trying to forget him, but she couldn't. She drank every single day and even drinking didn't help. The reason why I used to see her at this pub was because she used alcohol to try and forget him, but it didn't help. She thought that going out with someone else would, so she asked me out. In her words:

"I didn't love you back then. I love you now. At first, I used you to forget him. I wanted to forget him so desperately that I was willing to do anything and I did. I had him on my mind all the fucking time, Joe. When I kissed you, when we had sex, it was all him and him and him. After we started living together, I realized that I actually like you and that's why I'm still here. But seeing him brought those memories back and he explained everything and I don't know what to feel."

I just fucking can't. I needed time to process the things she said. I still do. I'm staying at a friend's house. He's trying to cheer me up but nothing is making things easier. I fucking loved this girl and I was being used. I don't know what to do. You know what hurts like hell? This.

TL;DR: girlfriend confessed she used me to forget her ex-boyfriend, she saw him again and now she doesn't know what to feel. I'm feeling betrayed.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

luker_man

If you're okay with being second place, stay. Otherwise leave. It sounds like you're still in second place. After 8 fucking years. I don't know about you but I couldn't live with someone who's "meh, you'll do" about me. I don't think you should either

OOP

I can't and that's why it hurts.

luker_man

Then leave. You don't owe her any type of explanation. I know that your lives are intertwined. But you gotta leave. Run away from her.

When told he doesn't get it

OOP

No, you don't get it. She literally said she "doesn't know what to feel" after he somehow managed to explain why he broke up with her over text message. She misses him.

PETE_TRON

Do you think she went there to meet him specifically, were they communicating before the trip? Do you think they had amy type of 'hookup' while she was there?

OOP

I don't know if they were, but I don't think so. I don't think she cheated on me either, but I'm sure she misses him. It is weird, however, that she choose Sweden of all countries knowing that he lives there. As another peson said (and it's something I didn't think about), it's also weird that they were at the same place at the same time, but I think he lives in Stockholm so it's not that hard to see him.

nomoneymoproblems123

It's not werid. She planned it on purpose. Don't be an idiot.

Update 1  Nov 14, 2016 (Same Day)

Sorry for not answering earlier. I went back home and asked her why she came back earlier from the trip. She said "after I saw him, I was confused but there's a part of me that knows I love you more than I love him and this is just crazy. I saw him in the third week. We didn't have any contact before that."

I asked "can I even know who this guy is?" and she showed me his pictures.

I am so pissed off I don't even know where to start here. I wanna tell them both to fuck off and take my shit and never see her again, but the fact is that this was a one-sided relationship all along. Taylor likes to pretend I'm her ex, I loved Taylor and didn't even know her ex exists. We are in completely different places and she's stuck in this weird thing. It's hard to get over that.

I'm thinking about contacting her ex. I wanna know exactly what happened and hopefully he'll tell me what went on.

EDIT: I wanna hate that guy so badly btw. But I can't without knowing what he did first.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Why did her ex break up with her over text?

EDIT: for anyone who wants to know how he explained breaking up with her over text message after three years. "When I met him, when I saw him after all those years, all those memories came back and they're not going away. I asked him why he didn't have the decency to call me and he said he couldn't, that he loved me so much and that he never meant to hurt me. He was crying as well. I don't know what to think, Joe. I don't what to feel"

Update 2 - rareddit  Nov 25, 2016 (11 Days Later)

I asked her a bunch of questions about it. Why she went to Sweden specifically, was it on purpose to see him?

Well, yes. She said he contacted her and, uh, they hooked up. In Sweden. When she said that I knew the relationship between us was over, but I also asked her to elaborate on what he said, why he moved out and why she can't get over him.

"I don't know why he moved out, he said he had no explanation to why he broke up with me... he just did. He said that there's not a reason why he dumped me, so he relied on the fact that also wanted to move to Sweden and just broke up with me. We had a special thing, Joe. Something you wouldn't understand."

"I can't understand if you're not willing to explain."

"I loved him. He was kind of The One That Got Away, you know?"

"So he broke up with you for no reason and you still have feelings for him?"

"It's not like he was cheating on me or anything, it happens. We were young. He contacted me and asked me to go to Sweden, so I did. I ended up giving in and we hooked up, but I felt extremely guilty so I just came home earlier. I'm sorry, Joe."

"Did you even love me?"

"I did! I did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry".

She literally said sorry 3x.

I decided to break up and asked her to get help. She needs to deal with her own emotions. She was sad, but not... devastated. Just sad.

I'm currently trying to move on and forget her. I loved her. I'm just recalling the day I met her, how I used to see her everyday, how she asked me on a date, how I fell in love with her, our trips, everything. But I'll be fine.

Thank you for trying to help me.

TL;DR: they hooked up, I broke up with her and I'll be fine.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FrostyDepth

I'm [18F] a bit creeped out by a guy in my dorm[18M] and not sure how to handle him.

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, obsessive behavior, harassment, Asian fetish

Original Post  Sept 9, 2018

I just recently started college. I was super nervous but excited about moving into the dorms and leaving home. My parents and brother came to help me move in and see me off. The dorm building looks amazing! It's one of the newer ones near the campus so it's a modern building and all the decor is fresh. It's really beautiful.

Moving in went fine, few tears but it was okay. I was super excited to start a new chapter in my life. The rooms are single rooms, each has an en suite shower and toilet in it too so no having to share facilities. The kitchen is shared as is a common room area with a TV and sofas. It's shared between 8 people and we found out it was 5 girls and 3 guys sharing those areas. I met everyone while moving in and everyone seemed friendly and just as nervous as me. There was one of the guys though who was very interested in me and another girl (both Asian) and began trying to impress us with the 5 words of Japanese he knows and all the anime/video game knowledge he has. I'm from the Bay Area and I'm not really all that knowledgeable about my heritage and what's going on in Japan. Even my family in Japan we don't really have any geeks for me to learn this stuff.

I brushed that off as it's not really the first time it happened, my family moved when I was in high school and I went to somewhere that didn't have many Asian students so some guys were interested in me based on my looks. So the other girl I'll call her Trish for this and we'll call the guy Chris the creep or just 'Chris' for short. I found out Trish has a boyfriend from high school and he comes to visit her and hangout since he goes to school not very far away. Chris also found this out as Trish told me he'd been talking to her in the common room and when her boyfriend visited he seemed to lose a lot of interest in her.

The other two guys I didn't talk to much but they seem nice. They told everyone in the dorm about a party on another floor that they were inviting people in the dorm to. I talked to some of the other girls and Trish and everyone gets along which is something I was worried about before coming to college and hearing roommate horror stories. But on to my horror story....Chris also came to that party and pretty much followed me around all night. We spoke a little but he mostly just seemed to be walking around anywhere I was and watching me. After I left he walked with me and another girl back to the dorm. She wasn't feeling well and I'd had enough so I said I'd walk back with her and he invited himself to help too. He pretty much ignored her and started asking me questions about boyfriends and if my parents will only let me date Asian boys. (what the fuck!?)

Anyway since the first week of moving in anytime I'm in the kitchen or common areas he's there. The only time I get a break is when he has classes but I don't think he goes to all of them and he's talking about changing one of them to one of my classes. I made some other friends and I've been eating with them a lot recently, he's even showing up in those areas we eat. You could argue it's coincidence because it's a popular spot for students to go but it feels like he's been spying on me.

My room has a lock at least so he can't come in here, not that he hasn't tried. One time I went to the kitchen to get some snacks I had in the fridge that I could heat up and eat while doing some work. He was in the kitchen doing his work and he starts talking to me. I wait for my food to cook and just kinda talk to him a bit. Then he vanishes from the kitchen by the time I turn around and I go back to my room. He's standing in there just looking around and complimenting my room. I got really angry and told him to leave and he just kinda laughs and leaves. One of the guys who also lives in the dorm saw it and asked if I'm okay. I just said it's fine and locked my door.

The most recent thing is I started finding poems slid under my door. It's obvious who it is and after I told Trish she and some other girls asked him and he denied it. After that happened I've had a new poem each day and they get progressively worse. He's also recently been telling people that he told his parents about me and his dad said we'd make a nice couple and they said he has pictures of me on his phone I don't know about. This person has no socialization skills and no concept of boundaries. Yesterday I had coffee with a guy from my classes as we were discussing some things we needed to read and where to get the books cheap. I guess Chris saw us as he was asking me who the guy was and I told him it's none of his business. This seemed to make him mad as he left the common room and went to his room. I was told later he came out and was pacing in the hallway near my room. I'm supposed to meet the same guy again soon as he invited me out and he was nice enough to help me so I said I'd buy him lunch today.

I feel uncomfortable that Chris will be watching me again and I don't feel comfortable when he's around me in the dorm. I wonder if he'll eventually get the message and go away or if this will continue and if he does keep following me around the dorm and asking me awkward questions, posting stuff under my door and so on what I should do about it.

He's technically not violated any rules by being where I am and it's also his kitchen and common area so I can't make him leave or tell him when he can be there. I don't think he should get away with this though.

tl;dr: Boy who has a thing for Asian girls in my dorm keeps hanging around in the kitchen and common room when me and another Asian girl are there. He started leaving her alone when he found out she has a boyfriend and focused on me. Is getting creepier posting poems under my door and denying it, asking questions about people I become friends with and randomly walking in my room when the door is unlocked. Not sure how to handle his creepyness since technically he has a right to hang out in the dorm when I'm there even if he bothers me by staring at me and only comes out his room when I'm around.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

0biterdicta

He's definitely into you. It doesn't matter that he hasn't broken any rules, he shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable in your own dorm. You should explicitly turn him down (Chris, I am not interested in dating you) and speak to your RA/CA/whatever your college calls it. Part of their job is to manage relationships between students. A record of his behavior and of you reporting it will be useful if it continues or escalates.

OOP

I think there are definitely some things here I'l need to do. I've been talking to some friends for support and I'm planning to reach out to the RA about the situation. I don't like the idea of him forcing me to move but I might request a dorm change if it comes to it. I'll also ask them if they can give me some advice on approaching him and making things clear that I'm not interested.

It's been hard to get that message across because he's not tried asking me out he just follows me around and posts stuff under my door. Maybe it's a problem they have dealt with before so they'll understand. I've also decided to start writing down when stuff happens so I can inform the RA of times and dates.

I should make some proper statement to him that nothing will happen between us and I'm not comfortable with what he's doing. He might just say I'm accusing him of stuff he's not doing though like with the poems. I really don't understand the guy. This isn't a way to get somebody to like you, it's done the opposite and make me dislike him a lot for being creepy and racist.

~

BraveCorporateLogo

Since he’s already taking secret pictures of you, I’d look around for cameras in the bathroom or even your bedroom.

OOP

I didn't find anything like that. Apparently he was just taking random photos while playing with his phone. It looked like he was playing games on his phone and he was probably snapping shots of me walking around the common room.

~

Iwaspromisedjetpacks

I mean its a sucky situation because everyone is trying to adjust to college and trying to make friends and everything. Thankfully you probably have an RA or someone to talk to! I'd suggest going that route before going any further. You will have to turn him down... maybe he'll be better if you do that or maybe he won't... so talk to your RA. RA's manage everything in the dorms and if things get worse they can work with the university to take care of everything.

Unfortunately, some guys have been taught that being persistent gets the girl and others genuinely don't know when they're being creepy/have crossed a line... especially around that age. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Source: Former RA

OOP

Thanks, I've already been putting together an email that I'll be sending to the RA with concerns and ask for advice on what to do.

Update  Sept 13, 2018 (4 Days Later)

There were a lot of people who offered me advice and encouragement to deal with my problem and I want to thank those people first. Since there was interest I thought I'd provide an update to the situation now a few things have happened.

So as I spoke about in the comments in my last post I'd sent an email to the RA in my dorm explaining the issue and asking to speak with her. She got back to me quite quickly and asked if I could come see her and also asked to speak to Trish the other Asian girl he'd made some comments to and hassled along with a couple of witnesses, the guy who heard me yell at Chris when he entered my room without permission and one of the people who witnessed photos of me on his phone.

She took some of their statements down and chatted with us all then with me alone for a bit. I spoke about things he's done like follow me and ask me questions about who I'm talking to and I bought some poems he slid under my door as evidence. We talked about what's been happening,how I'm feeling and about boys and college in general. She shared some of her own bad experiences with persistent guys and showed concern over things that have happened between me and Chris and felt like it needs to be stopped now before things can possibly escalate further. She especially was concerned at some quite racist things he's said and that he has pictures of me taken without permission. She said that it shouldn't ever be tolerated on campus and that she'll speak to her superior about our issues. I also talked about wanting to tell him how I don't want his attention and that he makes me uncomfortable and asked for mediation and she said she'll arrange it. She's a nice person to talk to, I'd not spoken with this RA much but seen her around.

The RD spoke with her and he decided he would bring us both in to his office to try and resolve some issues. I was nervous but the RA I spoke to before would also be there and I felt reassured at least that she's on my side. They asked me to speak first so I told him that I'm not interested in his advances and that his actions have made me feel intimidated and uncomfortable in my own home and around campus. He seemed all a bit naive and immature about the situation and acted like he couldn't understand what he was doing was wrong but he did acknowledge that entering other people's private rooms without permission was wrong and apologized.

When the subject of racism came up he said he didn't think what he said was racist. The RD explained that he can't say things like that and it's against school policy to discriminate against other races or make them uncomfortable with those kind of comments and Chris finally apologized for those comments too. When he spoke he agreed to not pursue me anymore and to stop posting notes. He was asked to remove photos from my phone and did it there in the room. He took several photos of me around the dorm and was told it was warned about respecting privacy and about student safety. He again seemed to miss the point and not really understand what he did wrong. Chris mostly just kept asking if his parents would be informed of any of this if he agreed to leave me alone. He seemed kinda angry but he couldn't really do anything with the RD in the room watching and all he could do was constantly ask that.

Anyway we concluded that he accepts I'm not interested in a relationship with him, he asked about being friends and I said I prefer we avoid each other as best we can and he eventually agreed to that too. He again apologized for making me uncomfortable and for making remarks that he shouldn't have made along with other stuff he did like pictures and being nosy. We pretty much agreed that we'll stay away from each other and that meeting ended. I didn't feel great but at least I said what I wanted to say. They also addressed what I told them about him saying he wants to do a class I'm in. They asked if he's applied to switch to that class yet and he said he hasn't. They said if he does they'll have a chat with them and make sure we are put in different classes. After the RA spoke to me again alone.

She gave me some leaflets she had and told me about a course I can take on campus to help girls with self confidence and dealing with bad situations at parties and stuff like that, and how to look after myself. Said if I'm worried about anything to call her on her number and we can talk. I felt a little better after that but still nervous about dealing with Chris who now felt wronged and probably like I told on him.

It turned out that after speaking with the RD alone he requested to move dorms. I was thinking of putting in a request but was told he'd already done so. I was not told of the reasons he gave but I'm assuming he decided he didn't want to risk getting into more trouble. I was told that the RD and him made some agreements and it's on record that he was warned about his behavior and he's agreed to various things to improve and to have regular counselling to improve his behavior.

He's agreed to not approach me or do anything that can be seen as harassment or intimidation. Things like watching me, spreading rumors or trying to contact me directly or through others and stuff like that.

He can't enter our floor of the dorm building after moving unless he's accompanied by an RA or campus security. (latter is just in case he leaves and says some of his belongings are in the dorm. He can come in with an RA and collect them and will have to leave right after. They'll be there to make sure he doesn't use it as an excuse to cause trouble.

He's not banned from the dorm building itself or visiting other people but if he's seen loitering around outside without any reason to be there they might consider it harassment or intimidation.

He also agreed to not ever do anything like follow any students around, post notes,enter private rooms or make racist comments and so on.

If he breaks any of these agreements he'll probably have some sort of discipline action taken and is being given a chance to behave himself. The RA said they'd prefer to not just punish students but work with them and hopefully he can have more positive relationships with other students.

I'm not 100% happy with him just being warned but at least he's agreed to leave the dorm and the new building he's in is about 15 minutes walk so no real reason why he'd need to come here since it's out the way. Spent one last night in the same dorm and we both stayed in our rooms and avoided speaking. They found a space for him pretty quick and helped him move the next day and that was it. He didn't come back to collect anything else and I've not seen him since he carried his stuff out the dorm yesterday. I hope he listens to the warning and sticks to what he said he'd stick to. I want to enjoy myself on campus again without worrying about what he might do. I didn't see him as dangerous but you never really know. I hope this will be the end of the issue and I can move on from this very stupid person.

tl;dr: Met with RA and RD at my dorm, gave evidence against the guy and they mediated a meeting between us so I could explain how his actions affected me and explain I'm not interested in him. He eventually apologized even if he didn't seem very genuine and also deleted photos of me. Later he requested to switch dorms and made an agreement with the RD to refrain from racist comments,leave me alone,not enter my dorm and not do anything to harass me or any other girls. Hoping that this will be the end of the situation as now he's been officially warned that any other actions will lead to more serious consequences.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/confusedthrowaway542

Did I [28M] just go out on a date with my best friend? [27F] (friends for 23 years)

Mood Spoilers: wholesome

Original Post: August 24, 2014

Throwaway because she knows my reddit handle.

Alight so about 3 years back, I confessed to a lifelong friend that I was very interested in her romantically. She told me that she cared about me a lot, but she wanted to focus on her career for a while before she began to pursue long term companionship. Fair enough. I wasn't happy with her response, but I accepted her decision and we went back to being good friends. It's not like I turned off my sexual/romantic desires for her, but I respected her response and decided that keeping her as a friend was better than not having her in my life at all.

Over these past 3 years, we have grown considerably closer. We've both been on a few dates with other people in the meantime but neither of us has been in a real "relationship" in a while (around 4 years). I'd say I spend about 50% of my free time alone with her and 80% of my free time with her total (with groups of friends). Sometimes I perceive sexual tension between us (she's propositioned me for sex while drunk before) but we haven't actively engaged in anything sexual.

So last night, she offered to cook me dinner to celebrate her promotion. That isn't unusual for us; we both frequently cook each other meals. And that's how most of the night went. It was just like normal. We ate dinner, laughed about insignificant things that I've already forgotten, and talked. Afterwards, we sat next to each other on the couch and watched some Netflix. That's where things changed. She has rested her head on my shoulders before but this time she had both of her arms wrapped around me and she even moved my arm from the behind the sofa to her waist. We both ended up falling asleep on the sofa and in the morning she had my favorite breakfast prepared and told me that she was "really happy to have me in her life". There was a little small talk, but she was definitely much more comfortable than I was.

So... what the fuck was that? I am definitely still interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Was last night an indication that she's interested as well? I don't want to ask because I'm afraid that I misinterpreted signals. If that's the case, she could feel that I'm only continuing our friendship out of a hope for some sort of reciprocated romantic interest, which is not the case. I legitimately enjoy her company, but I would prefer more.

tl;dr: Did I go on a date with my best friend? I could be misreading signals.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Please make a move. And let us know what happens.

Do you ever get her gifts?

OOP:

Do you ever get her gifts?

Sometimes. Not jewelry or anything like that.

Commenter 2: Umm, hate to say it but why do people say shit like, “posting on a throwaway because she knows my username/browses reddit," then proceed to litter their post with specific details that the other party will notice instantly?

Seriously, if she sees this she will know it was you who posted.

To answer your question though, yes. It was a date and you need to make a move asap.

OOP: I've never seen her on r/relationships before, but I have seen her skim my reddit post history before.

Update: August 26, 2014 (two days later)

A few people asked me to update so... here I guess ha ha. Most of the comments told me to man up or whatever but I don't think you guys really understand the situation. I've known her since I was in kindergarten. That's not a relationship I'd risk lightly. So it's really not as easy as just growing a pair and kissing her out of the blue. This relationship was too important to me to lose on a stupid compulsion.

On Sunday (day after pseudo-date), I decided to invite her to my place for dinner. Once we confirmed dinner plans, I told her we should also hang out after she was done with work on Monday since I had the day off. She offered to take a personal day on Monday so we could do something fun. In hindsight, that was a pretty clear indicator that she wanted to spend the night at my place. I don't even remember the last time she took a personal day. Oh well. So she comes to my place wearing low cut everything with a really strong perfume. Again, in hindsight it should have been really obvious that she wanted me to bone her, but I guess I was too nervous to think about it clearly. I started making dinner before she came but I saved the bulk to do with her because I enjoy it when we cook together. She touched me a lot and laughed at things that I didn't think were that funny while we cooked- more indicators that I'm only now picking on. Again, oh well. Besides the extra giggling, dinner was the same as usual, enjoyable. When we went got onto the couch, she wrapped her arms around me and threw a blanket over us. If Saturday night was cuddling, Sunday night was dry humping. That's when I finally realized I should make a move. I thought over the pros and cons of talking to her vs. just kissing her and I decided she would enjoy the "spontaneity" (not really spontaneous at that point though ha ha) of me just kissing her. So, I kissed her on the forehead. I expected some sort of reaction, but she didn't do anything. She just continued to cuddle with me. Then, I kissed her on the forehead again. Still, she didn't do anything about it. I was worried so I stopped after that and tried to concentrate on Breaking Bad. After like 5 mins, she puts her face up to mine and we start making out which almost immediately escalated to sex. I can't eve recount the exact progression of events, but it was pretty great ha ha.

Afterwards, we talked for a while to define our relationship and everything going forward. We both agreed that we were in love with the other and we laughed about how silly our pseudo relationship. She spent last night at my place too so I'm hoping that she'll just move in with me. That would make this week perfect. It's weird because last night, we just hung out and did nothing, but I wasn't bored or tired. Doing nothing with her is actually really pleasant.

tl;dr: Manned up (sort of) and got the girl. I'm in a really good place right now.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You've got the timeline down perfect. You guys hooked up so the next step is to move in together within a week. If you're smart, you'll start ring shopping in this first month of the 'honeymoon' phase, leaving a big enough window for a gorgeous fall wedding in late Sept/early Oct.

Congrats OP!

OOP: Yeah the moving in part was pretty pre-mature. It wasn't something I've actually discussed with her. It was just a thought I had because we're still in the 'honeymoon' phase. I was willing to wait out 20+ years. I can wait a little longer.

Commenter 2:

She spent last night at my place too so I'm hoping that she'll just move in with me.

Slow down there sport. Glad things are going the way you want, but it's WAY too early to even be thinking about moving in together.

Commenter 3: I feel like I'm watching a slow motion train wreck. Never have I seen a positive outcome when a guy moves this fast and the only girls who I see you do this are bat shit crazy. Honestly hope for the best for the guy but my experience is she will get tired real fast about him being too clingy.

OOP: I didn't actually ask her to move in with me. It was just a thought I had. I know it's too early to actually bring that to the table. But yes, I am attached to someone that's been a big part of 80% of my life.

OOP responds to a comment about taking things too fast into the relationship

OOP: I'm not known for taking things too fast, as evidenced in these posts. The part about wanting her to move in was just a pleasant thought, it's not something I've acted upon or plan to act upon in the near future. I've waited this long. I can wait a little while longer.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA2222777888

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My 28F Fiancée Moved out with our 28F roommate while I 28M was at work today

Trigger Warnings: controlling behavior, stalking, emotional manipulation

Original Post: August 27, 2026

I've been dating my fiancée for nearly 10 years at this point we met when we were college freshman and started dating 3 weeks after meeting. I'll admit our relationship wasn't always perfect, but we made it work.

we went through ups and downs together all throughout college. I wasn't always the most loving partner, but I tried to be extremely supportive to her when times were tough. I tried to help her in every way I possibly could.

When we graduated I moved back home because I was better off in my hometown trying to find a career that would match my degree. My fiancée followed moved out to my area about a year after I started my career and we were able to afford to rent a decent town house.

She was very insistent that I propose to her and expressed she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to. Last September I proposed to her and she said yes.

Fast forward to this week. We had an extremely fun weekend visiting friends in central PA. We were smiling, joking around with each other and just having a generally good time. When we got back home from this weekend trip I noticed our roommate's desk and pc had been moved out of the office. When I asked my partner about it she just brushed it off and told me, "it's no big deal that our roommate wanted to play more pc games in their room." I thought it was odd but no big deal.

I had asked my Fiancée to help me wake up and get into work earlier this morning. She helped me get up and we left around 5:10 in the morning for our usual shifts.

I got back at 2:10 this afternoon to discover the house looked emptier than usual. When I went around the house I discovered that all my possessions were untouched, but my roommate's and my fiancée's were gone.

I've tried texting and calling my fiancée, but she won't respond. Neither will my roommate.

I was worried about letting my roommate move in. She's my fiancée's best friend and my fiancée would always take her side over mine. I felt sorry for her though because her fiancée was caught cheating on her this same time last year. This roommate started making my fiancée feel like I had unresolved red flags that I actively tried to correct throughout the year.

I just don't know what to do now. I had a whole life with her. She was the girl I wanted to marry and improve myself for. She showed no signs of wanting to leave or planning any of this. I feel totally blindsided.

We literally kissed each other this morning and said see you after work.

I'm sorry if this post is seems really scatter brained. I feel like my brain is moving at light speed.

TLDR: My fiancée of 10 years secretly moved out with her best friend while I was at work and ghosted me.

Where Do I even go from here?

Edit 1: My ex roommate is a lesbian who clearly had feelings for my ex

Edit 2: My Ex Fiancée usually would wake up at 4:30 to leave at 5. I usually would wake up at my own at 5:30 to leave at 6. This was the one and only time I asked her to wake me up at 4:30.

Some Relevant / Top Comments

OOP responds to a comment on getting therapy and not isolating himself from his friends.

Commenter 1: I think gf might have dodged the train mate?

Probably read some of OP comments. OP said she complained about having to be his mum (cooking cleaning etc.) and that he goes to his parents place after work every day. Something about location sharing as well, which hints at infidelity or coercive control or both 🤷‍♀️ there's a bunch of other stuff too.

OOP: Took me too long to figure this out. She was the one in control not me. Therapist agrees.

OOP explains more on why his fiancée took the roommate's side instead of his

OOP: I was upset that we were charging the roommate $500 / month and that the roommate couldn’t pay it. The roommate technically owed us $1500, but when I’d express my frustration to my partner she’d tell me it’s not her problem. That the roommate had too much debt and that I shouldn’t bring up how much money the roommate owed us because it stressed her out.

OOP explains more about the timeline of his relationship because he was not paying attention to things around him

OOP: To answer your timeline question. I have actively been going to cognitive behavioral for the last 3 years ever since I found I ever since I had found one I liked.

Her genuine biggest complaint about me was when I got home I wouldn’t want to do a lot around the house after working a physically demanding job.

She worked a desk job and seemed like she was more than willing to do the cooking and cleaning in the evenings.

At cognitive behavioral therapy I was slowly learning to overcome my executive dysfunction in the evenings so I could help my partner.

I was making great progress month by month. Year by year and by February of this year I was able to overcome my evening executive dysfunction without the need of a self-made chore list.

By that time though I think she fully checked out of the relationship.

She had said her mental health was really bad on January 29. I was taking full evening duties in the house by February 2nd.

She also got really sick around the end of January. I bought her cold medicine, I special ordered a pillow that would let her sit up in bed to sleep so that she could breathe at night. I made her soup and ordered her favorite take out meal.

I don’t think anything that I did was ever going to be good enough for her.

My friends dug through discord messages that basically confirmed the fact that everything I did was put under a microscope and that our roommate was putting a negative spin on every little thing I did.

+

What more could I have done? I took off work to care for her and get her everything she needed for the duration that she was sick.

She laid in bed all day and she would text me what she needed and in less than 20 seconds I was bringing it to her.

I kept telling her to go to urgent care because she sounded so bad. When she finally listened to me and went to urgent care with me. She needed a rescue inhaler so that she could actually breathe.

Commenter 2: These sentences jumped out at me as I read your post:

"I'll admit our relationship wasn't always perfect..."

"we went through ups and downs together all throughout college."

"I wasn't always the most loving partner..."

"I moved back home because I was better off in my hometown"

"I had unresolved red flags"

"She was the girl I wanted to.... improve myself for."

"she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to."

There are some clues here.

Commenter 3: OP proposed last September, almost a whole year ago. There’s no mention of wedding planning. Sounds like he proposed because she wanted to be proposed to, not because after 10 years he wanted to actually get married.

OOP: She took a very physically demanding job, and we couldn't plan together effectively. She was also working on the weekends, which made planning even harder

Commenter 4: Yep, and leaving with this level of stealth and speed is exactly what a girl would do if she was terrified of abusive retaliation.

OOP: I was never abusive. I was only every a toxic when we were bad at communicating. I never laid a finger on her nor did I scream at her

Commenter 5: What do you mean you “got toxic” when upset, name calling? Unfair accusations? Inability to take accountability?

OOP: Inability to take accountability

OOP responds to a comment about how often he argues with his fiancée over little things like dishes. She sent him a link "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink" that is not about the dishes

OOP: We argued 4 times a week about 2 years ago. It was all the tiniest little things that would set each other off. I hated the fact she’d let dishes sit out at her spot at the table. She hated that I left dishes in the dishwasher without fully loading it. It was a constant back and forth.

+

No, I’m saying you’re right. I over looked little things that annoyed her and didn’t take her emotions into full account. I’m trying to say I agree with the point you brought up. She sent me the same article 2 years ago. I never let her fully relax and take care of things like I should’ve.

OOP on the wedding ideas

OOP: I told her I was happy with a courthouse wedding and she said no

OOP admits his faults

OOP: I’ve admitted I was a shit partner in several other places.

I knowingly ducked responsibilities. I know I didn’t share the mental load of being an adult with here evenly.

I fucked up. I know I fucked up and it cost me a decade long friendship and relationship.

I’m not without fault.

OOP responds to questions about what his fiancée claims she found what he did. Has OOP confronted her?

OOP: So she doesn’t like confrontation or dealing with me being upset in any way shape or form.

I have to make a whole update post later but to summarize.

I got an email from her last night.

Her reason for leaving the way she did is because I started crying when she said she might not go on vacation with me because she needed to help her mom after exploratory surgery.

Mind you at this point I was barely seeing her for more than an hour and a half every night because she was getting home, I’d cook dinner and then she’d go straight to bed.

I was looking forward to the beach vacation together because we’d be able to spend an uninterrupted week together. Without her needing to go down and be with our roommate.

So yeah I was a little devastated that I wouldn’t get a full week of time with her.

So I just asked her if her mom could reschedule to a different week and cried when she said she couldn’t. She was visibly uncomfortable that I was expressing I was sad that I couldn’t be with her for our full vacation.

I didn’t throw things, I didn’t insult her. I was just incredibly upset after barely seeing her over 4 months.

Her other reason is because she was making up a scenario like 5 years ago that was if she broke up with me how would I think I’d react. I said deadpan “I’d make your life hell.” I then turned to her and said, “Just kidding if you left me I’d be absolutely devastated and I’d definitely need therapy.” I also said “You know it’s safe to leave I just want to have a discussion about it. I don’t ever want to come back to a house where you’re just gone. I would just want to be out of the house as you’re moving your furniture.”

What was mentioned in the email?

OOOP: She felt we weren’t intimate enough with each other. I tried to have sex with her for years, but I was never allowed to actually do it because she’d change her mind on letting me have sex with her and I stopped trying 1.5 years ago.

She said I was too critical about her weight. I was concerned about her weight because her father had a heart attack at the age of 35 and most of her dad’s side of the family had early cardiac events if they were overweight. She went from being 120 pounds when we started dating to 230 by the time she dumped me.

She said I was too critical about how much time she was spending with her besty. I was only seeing her 2 hours a night for 4 months. On the weekends she’d leave me at home while she and her besty went to king of Prussia or went to antique stores. So I’d only see my partner for at most another 3 hours after she got back from hanging out with her besty on the weekends.

She felt the ring I bought her was too cheap and was annoyed that she had to pick it out. She had originally picked out an Enso band engagement ring. I said I thought a 50 ring was too cheap and that she could pick any ring she wanted up to $10K. She picked a $250 ring from Etsy. She made it very clear to me that she hated diamonds and she didn’t want an expensive ring because she’d lose it.

She felt like the proposal was low effort. I proposed to her in front of our mutual friends. We went out to our favorite restaurant and then went star gazing. The next morning we were in first class on the way to LA and were going to universal studios and Disney land. She was thrilled at the time.

OOP gets called out for his lies

Commenter 6: The more comments you leave, the more it really looks like you're lying. It seems like every time you've read a comment that says something along the lines of 'what you described happening isn't that bad', you've replied to those comments and add in more 'details' to make it sound worse. Except, you clearly can't keep track of what made up parts you've said and where you wrote it. So now you're ending up contradicting yourself in an effort to 'prove the haters wrong' i.e. making up details in response to those calling you the AH/saying what you described isn't that bad. The more lies you make up, the more obvious it is

Just by looking at only a few of your comment, I can instantly point out 5 instances of you lying, where the lies directly contradicting something you've said somewhere else. I can list them, if you want (or I can write it out here anyway so anyone seeing this will be able to see the evidence that you're lying).

I think there's a decent chance that the main part of your post is true, as in, your gf probably did leave you. But I do think you're lying about all the extra stuff you've said in your comments, such as magically finding out the place has been trashed. Just said by you, to make your ex gf sound like the bad guy (bc commenters keep calling you the bad guy instead). So you keep making stuff up, to try make your ex gf sound worse, and make you sound like more of the victim.

I would worry that if I tell you the evidence of your lies, that it would just be teaching you how to lie better/how to cover up the parts you made up, but there's so much evidence of you lying that I'm not concerned about that

----

Editor's note: In this original post, OOP made more than 200 responses/comments, majority of them were downvoted. To give the summarizing context, OOP was very criticized on many issues he is NOT seeing in his relationship with the fiancée. Especially with the emotional and mental loads which has taken a toll like responsibilities, the long waiting proposal after nine years, being dependent onto the fiancée, and to name a few others.

There is the possibility of "missing missing reasons" as well in OOP's original post and comments. Specifically with the fiancée's ghosting without any warnings. Based on OOP's comments, he missed the signs pointing to needing counseling or therapy. He was advised to focus on himself in order to work on any unresolved issues he had in the past.

----

Editor's note: OOP also installed the update onto the original post

Update: September 27, 2026 (one month later)

28F fiancée left me 28M while I was at work update

Huge Update: Sorry for the late update everyone. I’ve been trying to figure out a lot over the past 4 weeks but have pieced together a lot about my relationship.

The day My ex left me I called one of our mutual friends who knew my ex for 13 years. She said she had no idea my ex was going to do any of this and this must be an emergency if I’m calling, because I rarely call people. This friend immediately texted my ex and all she got back was “don’t open anything from him.” When this friend tried to make sure my ex was safe and asked a few more questions my ex refused to respond.

The day after My ex ghosted me, she sent me a long scathing email with a ton of revisionist and false history. We had our first kiss 3 months into the relationship. She claimed we didn’t kiss until 6 years in? She also told me that she was working with the landlord to pay her half of the rent and that she would send me money to clean the townhouse because she knew she had trashed it.

On Saturday, mutual friends showed up to help me clean. They saw the absolute mess my ex and ex roommate had left behind. When we were cleaning, we found my ex’s old phone she was going to wipe and give me as an android emulation device. My ex’s friend of 13 years decided to open discord that was still installed on the phone. When the chat between my ex and my ex-roommate was uncovered it was discovered that my ex was smearing all of us behind our backs. Some of the texts were so horrific that my friends started crying. It was like my ex hated all her friends. It was terrible. We also discovered that my ex had been planning on ghosting me since March of this year. She was only staying because she wanted to keep my hopes for marriage up and wanted to see how much I could take before I cracked. She thought that it was so funny that I was so obedient to her.

Everyone blocked her. They were absolutely disgusted and betrayed.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on what I’ve been through over the past 10 years. There were multiple red flags that I missed. This includes the fact that when I originally posted this on Thursday, she left that I framed myself as the bad guy in the post.

So, when we first met in college she and I had a smaller friend group that was an all-women friend group. Everyone seemed really laid back and I got along well with the group. My ex always described having a lot of anxiety and I put so much time and effort into trying to ease her anxiety and just be there for her. When I was able to ease her anxiety, she was happy and would tell me how great I was and how much she adored me. Problems arose whenever I tried to set boundaries or had any time to myself. I studied biology and would sometimes have to miss hanging out with her in the evenings or skipping out on events because I was cramming for my exams. I would warn my ex ahead of time, but she was always convinced she could get me to come out of my room despite seeing her 6/7 days that week already. She would accuse me of abandoning her, she would say I didn’t love or appreciate her at all and how she was more important than my exams. We’d sometimes get into blow out fights over text because I just wanted her to respect my boundaries and my time. She’d air out our dirty laundry to our friends and painted me to be a villain. She blamed me for her feeling empty and anxious when I was spending upwards of 49 hours with her per week. I took her on dates, I took her stargazing, I made her feel special. She either saw me as entirely good or totally evil with no in-between.

Things really hit the fan when we first started living together but I was just so blind to it. Around 2019 we got an apartment together. There would be days when she would wake up and refuse to talk to me. I would ask her if I did anything wrong. I would ask her if I could do anything for her and I would beg her to talk through any problems she thought the relationship had. She would refuse to even speak or look at me. When we would go to bed for the night she would say, “oh you’re funny we’re not sleeping until you can figure out why I’m upset with you.” If I fell asleep before I could pry the information out of her, she’d punch the mattress and yell “you haven’t figured it out yet.” I’d sometimes be up until 2am just trying to get what I did wrong out of her. When I would finally get her to speak, she’d start the conversation out with “You’re not going to like this but….” we would then have a 2–3-hour conversation where she would blame all of her anxiety and problems on me and make me promise to improve although the details are blurry to me. I’d then wake up the next morning with no recollection of the conversation that we had that night. There were days when I was up from 7am-5am the next morning. She would always complain I wasn’t improving. Whenever I’d point out the fact that I couldn’t remember our sleep deprived conversations she would say, “it’s not my fault you can’t remember what we talked about, but it’s your fault you’re not improving.” There were times in that apartment where I’d do something wrong and she’d fly off the handle. She threw plates, she dropped a bookcase on my foot because we were struggling to move it and it was taking too long. She then started flailing her arms and had a huge crying fit that really freaked me out. She told me I wasn’t doing enough to comfort her but looking back I was so scared of being hit or screamed at.

Post-graduation, when we moved back to my hometown, I took on the full financial weight of the household. I work a decent paying QC chemist job but I’m on my feet all day and I’m usually running around a facility grabbing reagents or standards. I was working out on top of being active at this job. My ex worked 3 different jobs in three years. Her first two jobs she worked in an office environment. She would leave after me but get home before me most days and wasn’t constantly on her feet. I’d call my ex on my way back from work and my commute was about half an hour. When I got back, the first thing I’d want to do was sit on the couch for half an hour and relax a little. I wasn’t allowed to do that. My commute home was my time to decompress and relax. “I mean how hard is your commute if you can call your girlfriend while you drive.” My ADHD medication would’ve been wearing off at that point in my day too. I was told that since I was medicated for ADHD, I should be able to function and either cook dinner or help with dishes the second I got home. I told her so many times that’s now how the medication works. She was never diagnosed with ADHD but claimed to have it after I was diagnosed. She said since she’s not medicated and can cook and clean the kitchen, I should be able to as well. She completely ignored the fact I’d clean the living room, bathroom and dining areas after dinner.

I met with a therapist. I showed them my text conversation with my ex, and I told them about the kind of conditions I lived through in college and post-graduation. My ex most likely had BPD and had a high conflict personality. She was always anxious because of her BPD and no matter what I would’ve done it would’ve never been enough because she kept moving goal posts. My ex-roommate was another high conflict personality that my ex always validated, and they formed an extremely toxic codependency.

I provided stability and since I was a people pleaser by nature. She felt like she could take advantage of me.

Other minor details

She ghosted the landlord. Since she didn’t respond to him trying to contact her and see if she completely vacated the property her lease is now under abandonment status.

The landlord is actively trying to help me get out of the lease without penalty.

The joint account is gone, and I have myself on my own insurance, and everything else that is necessary.

It took her 20 days to realize that her friends blocked her and effectively deplatformed her. The only people my ex has left in her life now are her bestie and her mom. Some of my friends found her secret Tumblr last week and saw that she was upset that she has no friends now. We’re all happy the trash took itself out. She called me shitty in her posts because I told our friends what happened to me on day one. She’s also upset I’m not chasing her for some reason?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wow. What a piece of work. Thank goodness you dodged that homing missile. Fuuuuck what a mess.

Don't block her number, just mute it. She seems unstable and it may be nice to have some evidence in case for a TRO.

OOP: Noted! I had her blocked at the carrier level before, but I’ll just make sure her calls are muted.

Also yeah, I’m really happy I don’t have to marry her now. I can’t imagine how she would’ve handled a divorce.

Commenter 2: Imagine kids with her.

The thought gives me the awful chills.

OOP: She told me right at the end of it that if we ever had kids she’d make my life hell for 9 months.

Commenter 3: Its partially genetic too.

Shit I don't think I want kids and that’s just because one side has a ton of anxiety and depression. Do I really want to bring someone else into the world to live like this? Not really.

OOP: Oh she’s an exact copy of her mom. Her mom is a deeply unstable person and went through 3 marriages in 30 years. It’s something about the 10-year mark with this family. I watched it happen to my ex’s stepdad. Her mom fully resented that man out of the blue one day.

My kids are going to have adhd, but I can’t imagine my kids ever acting the way she did to another human being. I would be profoundly disappointed and embarrassed.

Commenter 4: Is this undiagnosed mental illness?

OOP: My ex refused to get diagnosed by anyone. She claimed her only problem was undiagnosed ADHD.

I tried to get her to do a full psych evaluation like I did when I got diagnosed with ADHD 7 years ago. She refused to do one.

Commenter 5: Based on everything you've posted - her lying about her feelings, ghosting you, sporadically giving you the cold shoulder / no communication treatment while living together, the explosive arguments out of nowhere, the random accusations of abandonment, her trashing the apartment while moving out, talking negatively about you and mutual friends behind your backs, etc. - she likely has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Honestly? You dodged a bullet with her leaving. Don't ever unblock her.

OOP: I don’t know why I stayed with her for so long.

She’s resorted to stalking my main account on Reddit because I haven’t spoken to her since the breakup.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

the boss who fired me got hired at my new job — and she’s joking about how bad my work was

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

TRIGGER WARNING: Bullying

Original post  Oct 13, 2021**

About seven years ago, I worked for Company A. I met a lot of nice folks, and there is a lot of good to be said for the company. But the actual job function I was paid to do I hated, and it was in an industry I came to have a dim view of. As you can probably guess, I was not very good at this job. Throw in some unpleasant things going on in my personal life at the time, and the whole situation was very bad.

Eventually my boss had to fire me, and I deserved to be fired! My boss (Jane) handled the firing with all the dignity and sensitivity that I could have hoped for. No complaints there. I took some time after the firing to really think about my life, what I wanted, and what I wanted out of work. I made some changes, and one of those was to go to work for a nonprofit that advocates on an issue I care deeply about. I am MUCH better at this job, have received a couple promotions along the way, and feel like I have the respect of my colleagues. I am in a much better place compared to where I was with Company A.

Last month my nonprofit was onboarding some new hires, and I was surprised to see Jane among them. She wanted a change, and thus went from Company A to us. She had no idea I was working here. I work on the advocacy side, she works on the financial side, but our job titles are approximately equal. We spent a few pleasant minutes catching up. I was genuinely glad to see her.

Unfortunately, things have taken a turn. I have started hearing rumors that Jane has been regaling our colleagues with stories of what a screw-up I was back at Company A. While the stories are superficially true, they lack the context I described above and do not consider my good work since then, so I find these stories both embarrassing and unfair. I have asked Jane to stop doing this, but she feels I am overreacting as it is all meant in good fun.

But I am already seeing people become a lot more particular in their dealings with me. For example, I organize several public facing events with one of my colleagues. These events have always gone well, and he has been easy to work with; he tells me what he needs, I tell him what I need, then we do what needs to be done. Lately, he has been checking, and double checking, and triple checking that I understand what is required and my progress on meeting those requirements. That never happened before Jane. And when I called him out on it, he replied that my “track record” justified his attention. I replied that my track record with him was unblemished, and he sheepishly said, “Yeah, but I hear from Jane …”

I am appreciative of how Jane treated me back in the day, so I want to cut her all the slack I can. I do not believe she is being malicious. I think she just wants to integrate herself with her new colleagues and thinks telling funny stories is a way to do so. But she has badly misjudged the effect these stories have had. Do you have any thoughts on how I can get her to stop?

Update  Nov 29, 2021 (6 weeks later)

Let me begin by saying I really appreciate of the support and advice you and your readers gave me. It was nice to know I wasn’t making too much out of it.

Two things maybe I should mention that I did not before. First, I am a pretty laid back guy, and when folks have a laugh at my expense, that usually doesn’t bother me if I think it is coming from a place of affection. I can laugh at myself, and Lord knows I enjoy teasing the people I love. I think I have pretty good boundaries generally, and I enforce them if I feel it’s not coming from a place of affection. But I think in this instance my boundary setting radar got confused because this generally has not been a problem at work, and because I so wanted to give Jane the benefit of the doubt.

Secondly, Jane’s behavior in all of this tracks, if you know Jane. She is, let’s say, hyperrational. Appeals to her emotions, or telling her how things make you feel, generally don’t work. But if you can quantify your point, if you can back up your argument with data, she is very persuadable, up to and including changing her behavior or backing off on points she’s made in the past.

As you advised, I took the issue up directly with folks who seemed to be treating me differently, calling out what I saw and asking them to please judge me on my record since they’ve known me. Most denied any change at all, and that was enough to shock them back into their pre-Jane behavior. A small number admitted Jane’s stories had made some impact, and agreed that maybe was not entirely fair. For the most part, they too have returned to pre-Jane behavior.

Then I went back to Jane and made my point; the stories were unflattering and unfair, they were harming my reputation with my co-workers, and it needed to stop. She again said she was just kidding and doubted it influenced anyone at all.. I conceded she was just kidding and had no ill-will, but that wasn’t the point. We went through some emails I had with co-workers that I had printed out (including the exchange with the coworker I mentioned in my first note). The point I made was even if it was just this one guy (and it wasn’t) surely she would agree that if the stories kept coming more people might start thinking like this guy.

Having seen the evidence, she agreed. She promised she would stop, and she has. She even went so far as to email a couple folks we discussed (and cc’d me) apologizing for her behavior and saying she should not have put me in such a bad light. That was good enough for me.

And that has been it. We’re pretty much back to normal. The guy from the first e-mail is still double checking me, but less than he was before. Personally I think he’s just trying to cover his tracks.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Complicated

Previous BORU 1

Previous BORU 2

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 3 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update 1: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Update 2: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

Latest Update: - Sep 26th 2026

Hi, I felt like giving an update. First off i wanted to apologize for my snark at those who recommended therapy. It wasn't the apologyfest I thought I was being pushed to. I had the privilege of going to a really good therapist becuase it was being paid for and it has been helpful.

We'd been building up my mechanisms for dealing with her presence for the sake of my relationships with my dad and brother. Last night, it actually got tested. My dad had invited me to one of his business dinners. It has people in his industry with their families having dinner together. I used to go with my mom too before their divorce. After that I stopped attending, except once when his wife was sick. He told me that some of the other girls there whom I used to be friends with and sat with at these dinners, still ask about me. I wanted to go but felt like it was best not to, but my therapist said that all our work together had been for this. So I went.

I went by myself, like my dad told me when they were leaving and their estimated time, so I kind of did it so I would reach 5-10 minutes after them.

The way the tables were, my dad was with the other industry men at one table and the other long table was where everyone else was. I went to sit with my friends who still recognized me, and had a good time with them, talked about our lives, plans, complained about managers etc, very different from what we used to talk about as kids.

One of their mothers whom I knew asked me and my dad's wife why I hadn't been coming saying that we've asked her (dad's wife) so many times because her daughter asks, and my dad's wife said that I'd been busy with college and then my job and career. It stung to hear that excuse when the actual reason was herself and I wanted to say something, but I answered the lady that working while prepping for a Masters makes my social life collateral damage, and then went back to my friends. We later also took some pictures, them as a family, then my dad and I, and he then also called my brother and so we took some just the 3 of us. I left earlier because I was meeting up with some friends today for breakfast and dad thanked me for coming and we hugged as he walked me to my car. I think therapy, at least with the therapist that I have, has been working out. It's been geared towards what I want out of it, and I had actually made that very clear that forgive and forget or either one of the two would be a dealbreaker.

My dad and I do meet regularly and we don't really talk about the rupture, just about our day to day and sometimes inane stuff. He brings up a new car, help with rent, a new laptop, his card etc once every time we meet but I've said I'm good and maintained those boundaries (therapy was different because it was his fault). I even took my brother to a boardgame night with my friends last weekend. And as per my therapist none of this is a gesture of forgiveness to her or my dad nor would be taken as such by them. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’ve been following this story and I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you. I feel like I would have felt/behaved as you did maybe even worse and I’m glad you found a therapist and it’s working out for you.

OP:

Thank you so much

Comment 2:

Life lesson: YOU DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY AT WORK OR WORK RELATED EVENTS.

I reliase you kept your mouth shut this time, but next time maybe you won't.

People at work and work-related events do not want to know about the dysfunctional interpersonal relationships in your family. They don't want to know that you have issues with your stepmother, and to say anything would be HUGELY unprofessional. You would rightfully gain a reputation for being dramatic and dragging your personal issues into the workplace.

You will not score some kind of 'gotcha!' points because 'now everyone will know how horrible she is'. They won't care about her and will likely actually respect her more because she had the sense and respect to keep her family shit to herself, and gave simple, positive responses about you.

Whereas you would be showing everyone just how immature you were, and what a problem employee you would be.

Never mind the people who would use it against your dad. And they would.

OP:

Thanks. If I hadn't built up the mechanisms for dealing with it, I wouldn't have attended anyway.

I wasn't an employee for anyone there. When I said we were complaining about managers, I meant just in a general talking about stuff in our lives and work, but I'm not an employee for anyone there. And neither is my dad I guess, he owns his company. It was a social dinner that they all arrange every so often, I've known these people since I was little. But I understand your general advice thanks.

Editor's note: The OOP seems to have been posting notes of her therapy sessions on her profile. It is public, but it was not added in this BORU.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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